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00:00:08Release the Comedian!
00:00:20Hello! Thank you very much!
00:00:24Welcome to Dynasty Typewriter's coveted Monday night at 10 spot.
00:00:33When the Mid-Wilshire comes out to play.
00:00:42We have a lovely stage set here.
00:00:44We have, uh, Liberace's Storm Shutters.
00:00:54Someone got the mud flaps from Timothee Chalamet's Cybertruck.
00:01:03This, uh, neighborhood is, uh, called the Mid-Wilshire in Los Angeles.
00:01:07When I first moved here, I used to live right down the street.
00:01:11Uh, and I moved here from, uh, Massachusetts.
00:01:15And, you know, people would always ask my relatives, do you miss the seasons?
00:01:20Well, it depends.
00:01:21You know, I love fall in Massachusetts.
00:01:25But winter, like, I love winter.
00:01:28That's why I live in Los Angeles.
00:01:32I love winter up until about January 1st.
00:01:37Then I'm done.
00:01:40And if you live in Massachusetts, after January 1st,
00:01:43all you have left to deal with is four more months of shit.
00:01:49It's too cold to do anything.
00:01:51It gets dark at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
00:01:55The world is just dead trees and dirty snow.
00:02:00Owls in the woods.
00:02:02Why?
00:02:04Why?
00:02:09Everybody's depressed.
00:02:10Suicide hotline.
00:02:12I want to kill myself.
00:02:13I called you.
00:02:21It's just so cold.
00:02:25Halloween in New England is awful.
00:02:28Because it's already so cold.
00:02:30Half the time, you put on your costume.
00:02:33And then you would have to put your parka on over your costume.
00:02:37And just go around the neighborhood flashing your neighbors.
00:02:41I'm a pirate.
00:02:42Give me a Zack Nut.
00:02:43Jesus Christ.
00:02:50Who are you?
00:02:50I'm C-3PO.
00:02:51Take my word for it.
00:02:52Just give me the Reese's Cup.
00:02:55I get pneumonia, for Christ's sakes.
00:02:58And then I moved to Los Angeles,
00:03:00where Halloween starts in the middle of August.
00:03:04It's 150 degrees.
00:03:07I took my kids to the pumpkin patch.
00:03:09It was just pies.
00:03:16They start the season really early because it makes a lot of money.
00:03:21So they get in there.
00:03:21And when you go into, like, CVS or Walgreens,
00:03:25when they start to decorate for Halloween,
00:03:28they always lead with the big three monsters.
00:03:33Dracula,
00:03:39and older woman.
00:03:48She doesn't even have to be in a witch's hat.
00:03:51It doesn't need it.
00:03:54Older woman.
00:03:56Can your heart stand the shocking facts of what time and gravity do to the female face?
00:04:05And the horror you'll feel when they leave the house.
00:04:12The big three.
00:04:13Dracula, Frankenstein, and Nana.
00:04:18And I love horror movies, you know?
00:04:21That's where I grew up on.
00:04:22Do you love horror movies?
00:04:23Do you have a favorite horror movie?
00:04:26Get Out.
00:04:27Get Out?
00:04:27I like Pretty Woman.
00:04:30You thought I said horror.
00:04:37Understandable.
00:04:38No, I like Get Out.
00:04:40I love, have you ever seen Blackula?
00:04:44Blackula is fantastic.
00:04:461972, William Marshall plays Blackula.
00:04:52The first scene in Blackula,
00:04:55Dracula bites a black guy.
00:05:01This is easily anticipated if you know the name of the movie you're watching.
00:05:11And then Dracula goes,
00:05:13I christen you Blackula.
00:05:17And they cut.
00:05:18And I wish they would just hold it for five more seconds.
00:05:22So you can hear Blackula go,
00:05:25What the fuck did you say my name was?
00:05:33Just to watch Dracula backpedal.
00:05:38Look, as the king of vampires,
00:05:39I come from a position of privilege
00:05:42that I clearly didn't take into consideration
00:05:45when I made that show,
00:05:46which is not indicative of my feelings in any way.
00:05:50I won't even eat Count Chocula.
00:05:52Like, I'm committed.
00:05:54I want you to know my truth.
00:05:56That's what this is about.
00:05:59And then all the bros with podcasts
00:06:02will drag Dracula
00:06:05for backpedaling to Blackula.
00:06:09You've got to double down on that all the time.
00:06:12You've got to just double down.
00:06:14That's the problem.
00:06:15There's no real men anymore.
00:06:19But for all you real men listening,
00:06:21here's a commercial for a pill
00:06:24that will give you a boner.
00:06:29All the podcasts dedicated
00:06:32to the resurgence of the alpha male
00:06:37are paid for by pills
00:06:40that give you a boner.
00:06:46I still get my own boners.
00:06:51Like some kind of pussy.
00:07:02I like Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
00:07:05That's a great horror movie.
00:07:07Yeah.
00:07:08Great title.
00:07:09Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
00:07:12Then again,
00:07:12after Texas Chainsaw
00:07:16kind of writes itself.
00:07:21Texas Chainsaw
00:07:22bake-off
00:07:23is not going anywhere.
00:07:26Texas is just one of those states.
00:07:28You put it in front of something.
00:07:29It's like Tennessee.
00:07:30You put Tennessee
00:07:32in front of any activity
00:07:34and it becomes a sex move.
00:07:37You know?
00:07:40Went home late last night.
00:07:41Woke up the wife.
00:07:42Tried a Tennessee car wash.
00:07:48How'd that go?
00:07:49Well, I'm staying with my brother
00:07:50for a couple of days.
00:07:51I think she'll come down.
00:07:55Should have warned her.
00:08:00Speaking of sex moves,
00:08:02I got married
00:08:03about a year and a half ago.
00:08:07Yeah.
00:08:08It was great.
00:08:09Thank you very much.
00:08:11It was, um...
00:08:14It's my second marriage.
00:08:18My second marriage.
00:08:20I'd, uh...
00:08:22Been married before.
00:08:24And I thought marriage
00:08:26is such a sacred,
00:08:27holy,
00:08:29once-in-a-lifetime thing.
00:08:33Let's do it again.
00:08:38But even though
00:08:38it was my second marriage,
00:08:40it was my wife's first.
00:08:43So you still gotta go all in.
00:08:46You know,
00:08:47you can't cheap out.
00:08:48You can't do the Forrest Gump,
00:08:49six people in the backyard.
00:08:51You've gotta...
00:08:51You're gonna spend...
00:08:52You're spending money.
00:08:53You're spending money.
00:08:55But even though
00:08:56it's her first time
00:08:59and it's a big deal,
00:09:02you've done it.
00:09:06It is the second time
00:09:08on the roller coaster.
00:09:09It's like,
00:09:10are you scared?
00:09:11No.
00:09:11It goes up and down
00:09:12and around
00:09:13and dancing and cake.
00:09:15It's fine.
00:09:15It's not a big deal.
00:09:17That's what they do.
00:09:17We're gathered together
00:09:19before God...
00:09:19No, I know.
00:09:20Yeah, it's very good.
00:09:23With the ring
00:09:24and the cake
00:09:24and the deal.
00:09:26Till death do you part.
00:09:31Sure thing, boss.
00:09:32Whatever you say.
00:09:34Whatever makes you happy, boss.
00:09:39That's what they say.
00:09:40Till death do you part.
00:09:42That's just God's way
00:09:44of saying,
00:09:45I can get you out of this.
00:09:52It's a little extreme.
00:09:58The way I see it,
00:09:59I didn't get divorced.
00:10:01I cheated death.
00:10:12Adolf Hitler.
00:10:19Adolf Hitler.
00:10:22The definition of evil.
00:10:28Waged war on humanity
00:10:31for six years.
00:10:35And then,
00:10:37in his bunker,
00:10:40wed Ava Braun.
00:10:41And the next morning,
00:10:45blew his brains out.
00:10:57Marriage is hard.
00:11:06What did she say?
00:11:14You call this a bunker?
00:11:20My sister's bunker.
00:11:21That's a bunker.
00:11:23Now you go in there
00:11:24and you really know
00:11:25you're in a bunker.
00:11:27Maybe I'd like
00:11:28your sister's bunker.
00:11:29Bum!
00:11:34Charles Manson.
00:11:37Charles Manson
00:11:38was in prison
00:11:40for life.
00:11:43And at the end of his life,
00:11:44a young woman
00:11:45wanted to marry him
00:11:46and at the last minute,
00:11:47he backed out.
00:11:49This is true.
00:11:52He was in prison
00:11:54for life.
00:11:56But he valued
00:11:57his freedom.
00:12:10My father-in-law
00:12:11made a big speech
00:12:13at our wedding.
00:12:14I did not know
00:12:14he could talk.
00:12:20We'd had several conversations
00:12:22about the wedding.
00:12:24And whenever it got
00:12:25to that point
00:12:26where he might have said
00:12:27something like,
00:12:28Hey, Dana,
00:12:30why don't I pay for that?
00:12:40My father-in-law
00:12:41is an airline pilot.
00:12:43Do you know
00:12:44the difference
00:12:45between an airline pilot
00:12:47and God?
00:12:51God doesn't walk around
00:12:53like a fucking
00:12:54airline pilot.
00:13:03and don't give me
00:13:04don't give me
00:13:05I love my wife.
00:13:07I'm going to tease her
00:13:08a little bit,
00:13:09but I love my wife.
00:13:10She's great.
00:13:12She's Swedish.
00:13:14She's much taller
00:13:15than I am.
00:13:17She's much more beautiful
00:13:19than a woman
00:13:20you would think
00:13:21I would be with.
00:13:24And we just kind of
00:13:26walk around
00:13:26like a 3D
00:13:28Lord of the Rings poster.
00:13:35Did you see Midsommar?
00:13:37Okay.
00:13:38You know those floral crowns
00:13:39they wore in mids?
00:13:40That's a traditional
00:13:41Swedish thing.
00:13:42And our wedding photo
00:13:43she's wearing one.
00:13:44She's this...
00:13:44Our wedding photo
00:13:45is this tall,
00:13:47elegant woman
00:13:47in a floral crown
00:13:48and a flowing robe
00:13:50and this little guy
00:13:51looks like a foot
00:13:53and
00:13:55it looks like
00:13:56she's sending me
00:13:58off to Mordor.
00:14:06And it's funny
00:14:07because we'll walk
00:14:08down the street together
00:14:09and I will see guys
00:14:10look at my wife
00:14:12and then look
00:14:13and see that she's
00:14:13with me
00:14:14and it's like...
00:14:21I enrage them.
00:14:27So I guess
00:14:28my father-in-law's
00:14:29thinking
00:14:30when he made
00:14:31this speech was
00:14:33welcome
00:14:33to my daughter's
00:14:35wedding
00:14:37that her husband
00:14:39is paying for.
00:14:42You probably
00:14:43want to know
00:14:44a lot about me.
00:14:52And I'm in the back
00:14:54going,
00:14:54actually,
00:14:55no.
00:14:56I just want
00:14:57to go home
00:14:58and fuck your kid.
00:15:11She's an adult.
00:15:19But it's
00:15:20technically true
00:15:23and therefore
00:15:25fun to say.
00:15:31You know,
00:15:32if you're in QAnon...
00:15:38If you're in QAnon,
00:15:39anyone you don't like
00:15:40is a pedophile.
00:15:43Everyone in Hollywood
00:15:44is a pedophile.
00:15:45Every Democrat
00:15:46or progressive
00:15:47is a pedophile.
00:15:49I wonder if
00:15:50the real pedophiles
00:15:51are standing around
00:15:52like,
00:15:53you know...
00:15:56I remember
00:15:57when being a pedophile
00:15:58really meant something.
00:16:04You had to earn it.
00:16:09Get a van.
00:16:14I took my dog
00:16:15to the groomer.
00:16:16Make sure
00:16:16it's the dog groomer.
00:16:26Some guy came out
00:16:27and said she seemed
00:16:28really mature
00:16:29for her age.
00:16:41My father did not speak
00:16:43at our wedding.
00:16:43That was as planned.
00:16:46My dad is 93 years old.
00:16:50God bless him.
00:16:50Yep, still going.
00:16:51Still going strong.
00:16:53But he was born in 1930.
00:16:56He's got some
00:16:57old school attitudes
00:17:02about the way things are.
00:17:04Maybe not the best guy
00:17:05you want near a microphone
00:17:07at a public event.
00:17:12I watched Gran Torino
00:17:14with my dad.
00:17:14It was like watching
00:17:15Mighty Joe Young
00:17:16with a gorilla.
00:17:28My dad was a bartender
00:17:30when I was a kid.
00:17:31Very serious man.
00:17:33Unless he was drinking.
00:17:35And then he was hilarious.
00:17:39So I grew up
00:17:40with a dad
00:17:41who was really,
00:17:42really funny
00:17:42all the time.
00:17:49He would sing
00:17:50Christmas carols
00:17:52all year round
00:17:54but use them
00:17:55to bitch.
00:17:57Oh, I make
00:17:59all the money
00:18:00and your mother
00:18:01spends it all.
00:18:03So I hope
00:18:03you want to be homeless
00:18:05because we're going
00:18:06to lose the house.
00:18:10Oh, your grandma's sick
00:18:11and she isn't going
00:18:12to make it
00:18:12and you better not cry
00:18:13because I don't like
00:18:14people's feelings.
00:18:22But he could be
00:18:23surprisingly progressive
00:18:26but never
00:18:27for the right reason.
00:18:30This is a true story.
00:18:31I'm not clever enough
00:18:33to make this up.
00:18:36My cousin, Laurie,
00:18:37is a lesbian.
00:18:38She came out
00:18:39when she was about
00:18:3920, 21 years old.
00:18:41And my father
00:18:43was the only member
00:18:44from that generation
00:18:45of our family
00:18:46who didn't lose
00:18:47his shit
00:18:48that we had
00:18:49a gay person
00:18:50in the family.
00:18:51You know,
00:18:51an openly gay person.
00:18:52We all knew
00:18:52about Cousin Tony.
00:18:54But, you know.
00:18:56But Laurie would, like,
00:18:57leave the house
00:18:58during the daytime.
00:18:59She had self-esteem.
00:19:00It threw everybody
00:19:01off their game.
00:19:06And my father
00:19:07was the only member
00:19:08from that generation
00:19:09of the family
00:19:09that stood up.
00:19:10I was like,
00:19:10what do you care?
00:19:12No, I'm serious.
00:19:13What do you...
00:19:13How does it bother you
00:19:16who Laurie goes home to
00:19:17at the end of the goddamn day?
00:19:20I'm like,
00:19:20good for you.
00:19:22She can't find a guy.
00:19:28What if she has
00:19:29to kill a spider?
00:19:30Women can't kill spiders.
00:19:32It's in the Bible.
00:19:34Men,
00:19:34and apparently lesbians,
00:19:35will kill a spider
00:19:36as soon as look at them.
00:19:38Give the woman
00:19:39someone to kill a spider,
00:19:40will ya?
00:19:45But that's the family
00:19:47I grew up in, you know.
00:19:48I have four older brothers,
00:19:50okay?
00:19:51Three of my older brothers,
00:19:53super fun.
00:19:55Life of the party.
00:19:57One of my older brothers,
00:20:00kind of a hard ass,
00:20:03bit of a bully.
00:20:06When we were kids,
00:20:08he would beat us
00:20:09more than our parents.
00:20:13That's just wrong.
00:20:18Now,
00:20:20guess which one
00:20:21of my brothers
00:20:21became a cop?
00:20:28So,
00:20:29I called him
00:20:30by accident.
00:20:31You ever call
00:20:31the wrong sibling?
00:20:36Hello?
00:20:39Now I've got to think
00:20:40of something to say.
00:20:41Well, kids.
00:20:42He has kids,
00:20:43I have kids.
00:20:44We can get that
00:20:45out of the way
00:20:45five minutes.
00:20:45Hey, man,
00:20:46what's going on?
00:20:47Just checking in,
00:20:49seeing how you doing,
00:20:50you know.
00:20:51Just got Nellie.
00:20:52That's my youngest daughter.
00:20:53Just got Nellie
00:20:54your last set
00:20:55of vaccinations,
00:20:55so she's all caught up.
00:20:58Yeah.
00:20:59We're not going
00:21:00to be doing that
00:21:00around here.
00:21:02We're going to keep
00:21:03our DNA intact.
00:21:08Now,
00:21:09my brother knows
00:21:11my daughter
00:21:12is adopted.
00:21:19I have three daughters.
00:21:21They're all from China
00:21:24because I'm terrified
00:21:26of my DNA.
00:21:37And I'm sorry,
00:21:39I don't understand
00:21:39how it can be
00:21:40in this day and age
00:21:42that an educated person
00:21:44can be against something
00:21:45as fundamentally beneficial
00:21:47as a vaccine.
00:21:50And then it hit me.
00:21:52You know why
00:21:53they're against it?
00:21:56Because other people
00:21:57are for it.
00:22:01The end.
00:22:06That's it.
00:22:09You just have to be
00:22:10for something
00:22:11and they'll show up.
00:22:14It's all they have.
00:22:16It's what they do.
00:22:17Go online tomorrow morning
00:22:19and just quietly post,
00:22:21I like French toast.
00:22:24Check back in 20 minutes.
00:22:27Fuck French toast.
00:22:31Breakfast of the privileged.
00:22:33What else do you like
00:22:34for breakfast?
00:22:35Genocide.
00:22:38Where do you work?
00:22:45But his reasoning
00:22:46drives me crazy.
00:22:47I ain't getting vaccinated.
00:22:49I don't know how it works.
00:22:51I don't know how it works.
00:22:55Right.
00:22:57That's why we went out
00:22:59and got some people
00:23:00smarter than you.
00:23:04So we can have fun stuff
00:23:07like open heart surgery
00:23:08and airplanes.
00:23:11I don't know how zippers work.
00:23:20But every morning
00:23:21I put my faith
00:23:22in the science.
00:23:28Leave the house
00:23:29fairly certain
00:23:30I'm not going to be
00:23:31in line at the bank
00:23:32with my dong out.
00:23:37It all comes down
00:23:39to fear.
00:23:40It's just fear.
00:23:42I'm afraid
00:23:42I'm going to get sick
00:23:43so I want everything
00:23:44you have.
00:23:45I want pills.
00:23:46I want shots.
00:23:47I want surgery.
00:23:48I want everything
00:23:49you can give me.
00:23:50But my brother
00:23:50he's much smarter
00:23:52than I am.
00:23:54He's an independent
00:23:56thinker.
00:23:59He thinks
00:24:00what all the other
00:24:01independent thinkers
00:24:03think.
00:24:08that the government
00:24:10the same people
00:24:12in charge
00:24:13of the post office
00:24:16and the DMV
00:24:20are also behind
00:24:23a massive
00:24:24global
00:24:24genetic
00:24:25super conspiracy
00:24:30that I will believe
00:24:31when I can buy
00:24:32one stamp
00:24:33in under
00:24:3445 minutes.
00:24:42Some people
00:24:43just don't want
00:24:43to be told
00:24:44to do anything
00:24:45by an authority figure.
00:24:46It's really weird
00:24:48when they're cops.
00:24:51But you'll have to
00:24:52work that one out
00:24:53for yourself.
00:24:57But you know
00:24:58where he gets it?
00:25:00He gets it
00:25:01from our mother.
00:25:03When we were
00:25:04growing up
00:25:04my mother
00:25:05she would
00:25:06smoke
00:25:07she would
00:25:09drink
00:25:09she would
00:25:10take any
00:25:11pill
00:25:12she could get
00:25:13her hands on
00:25:14unless
00:25:16it was
00:25:17prescribed
00:25:18by her doctor.
00:25:23Then she had
00:25:24big problems.
00:25:27Could have been
00:25:28prescribed
00:25:28by your doctor.
00:25:30We could have
00:25:31been at your house
00:25:32and she found
00:25:32some pills.
00:25:33Those would be
00:25:33down like
00:25:34Skittles.
00:25:37But God forbid
00:25:38it goes
00:25:39I really think
00:25:39you should take
00:25:40a slow down
00:25:41big pharma.
00:25:44I found
00:25:45some mushrooms
00:25:46growing under
00:25:47the bridge
00:25:47that I read
00:25:48about in a
00:25:48witchcraft
00:25:49magazine.
00:25:53I'm going
00:25:54to give
00:25:54those six
00:25:54to eight
00:25:55months
00:25:55see if
00:25:56they work
00:25:57and if
00:25:58not
00:25:58I'll set
00:25:59my leg
00:25:59the way
00:26:00you think
00:26:00I should.
00:26:09And you
00:26:09know
00:26:11who is
00:26:11just like
00:26:13my mother?
00:26:20my wife.
00:26:21My wife.
00:26:26It's true.
00:26:29I can't
00:26:31get away
00:26:32from this
00:26:34personality
00:26:35type.
00:26:39I am going
00:26:40to be dealing
00:26:41with this
00:26:42for the rest
00:26:44of my life.
00:26:45I'm a comedy
00:26:48writer.
00:26:49I'm a very
00:26:50cynical person.
00:26:53My home
00:26:55is full
00:26:56of crystals.
00:27:02And
00:27:04my wife
00:27:06will
00:27:07approach me
00:27:08with a crystal
00:27:10and say
00:27:12sweetheart
00:27:13whisper a
00:27:15manifestation
00:27:16into this
00:27:18crystal.
00:27:22I
00:27:23understand
00:27:24that marriage
00:27:26requires
00:27:26compromise.
00:27:29Mine is
00:27:31I have to
00:27:32pretend
00:27:33I'm a
00:27:34wizard.
00:27:42but if
00:27:43manifestations
00:27:43worked
00:27:44we
00:27:45wouldn't
00:27:45have
00:27:46any
00:27:46crystals
00:27:48because
00:27:48that's
00:27:49all I
00:27:49ask of
00:27:50them
00:27:50when we
00:27:51speak.
00:27:58Are you
00:27:59guys a
00:27:59couple
00:27:59down here?
00:28:00Who's a
00:28:01couple?
00:28:01Anybody
00:28:01in the
00:28:02no one?
00:28:03No
00:28:03couples.
00:28:03That's
00:28:04my
00:28:04draw.
00:28:10A lot
00:28:10of guys
00:28:11my age
00:28:11who walk
00:28:12without
00:28:12moving
00:28:12their
00:28:13arms.
00:28:20Well,
00:28:21to begin
00:28:21with,
00:28:21Voyager
00:28:22isn't in
00:28:22the Kelvin
00:28:23timeline.
00:28:24So,
00:28:25I can't
00:28:25believe
00:28:25you're so
00:28:26stupid,
00:28:26too.
00:28:38It's
00:28:39common
00:28:39among
00:28:39couples
00:28:40that when
00:28:40you
00:28:40go out
00:28:41to the
00:28:42store,
00:28:44like,
00:28:44you'll
00:28:44come,
00:28:45hey,
00:28:45honey,
00:28:45I'm
00:28:45at the
00:28:46store.
00:28:46Do you
00:28:46need
00:28:47anything?
00:28:48And
00:28:49then the
00:28:50person that
00:28:50gets that
00:28:50call says
00:28:51what they
00:28:52need.
00:28:54in my
00:28:55theory,
00:28:55the person
00:28:57that gets
00:28:57that call,
00:28:59you get
00:29:00six words.
00:29:03Hey,
00:29:04I'm going
00:29:04to the
00:29:04store.
00:29:04Do you
00:29:05need
00:29:05anything?
00:29:06A latte
00:29:06from
00:29:07Starbucks.
00:29:11some
00:29:12potato
00:29:12chips
00:29:12would
00:29:13be
00:29:13great.
00:29:15Nell
00:29:16wants
00:29:16more
00:29:16frozen
00:29:17waffle
00:29:17sticks.
00:29:18Boom.
00:29:18Six
00:29:19words.
00:29:20Cat,
00:29:21Mrs.
00:29:22Gould,
00:29:23bless her
00:29:24heart,
00:29:24I don't
00:29:24even call
00:29:25anymore.
00:29:26Hey,
00:29:27honey,
00:29:27I'm going
00:29:27to the
00:29:27store.
00:29:28Do you
00:29:28need
00:29:28anything?
00:29:29Oh,
00:29:29yes.
00:29:30Gosh,
00:29:31thank you.
00:29:31Yes,
00:29:32okay.
00:29:35I need
00:29:36you to
00:29:36go to
00:29:37the
00:29:37nature
00:29:37well.
00:29:38But
00:29:39not
00:29:39the
00:29:39nature
00:29:40well
00:29:40convenient
00:29:40to
00:29:41our
00:29:41home.
00:29:41I
00:29:42need
00:29:42you
00:29:42to
00:29:42go
00:29:43to
00:29:43the
00:29:43nature
00:29:44well
00:29:44annex.
00:29:45It's
00:29:46by the
00:29:46cargo
00:29:46hangar
00:29:47of the
00:29:47Van Nuys
00:29:48Military
00:29:49Airport.
00:29:51Now,
00:29:51there's a
00:29:52guard shift
00:29:53at 4 o'clock.
00:29:54From
00:29:544.03
00:29:55to 4.11,
00:29:56there's no
00:29:57one in the
00:29:57shack.
00:29:58Drive right
00:29:59through.
00:29:59You'll hear
00:30:00a siren,
00:30:00but ignore it.
00:30:01No one's
00:30:01coming,
00:30:02I promise you.
00:30:04Drive all
00:30:04the way
00:30:05down to
00:30:05the last
00:30:06hangar
00:30:06on the
00:30:07left,
00:30:07but don't
00:30:07go in the
00:30:08front door.
00:30:09It's open,
00:30:09but there's
00:30:10an infrared
00:30:10scanner and
00:30:11you'll be
00:30:11sterile.
00:30:12Go around
00:30:12to the
00:30:13bath.
00:30:14There's a
00:30:15bulkhead,
00:30:16go down.
00:30:17Keep going
00:30:18down.
00:30:19It's gonna
00:30:20get very dark
00:30:21and very cold
00:30:22and very wet.
00:30:24You're going in
00:30:24the right
00:30:25direction.
00:30:27You'll see a
00:30:28small shaft
00:30:29of light.
00:30:30Open the
00:30:30door.
00:30:30You should
00:30:31see several
00:30:32middle-aged
00:30:33Asian women
00:30:33in their
00:30:34underwear
00:30:35ironing money.
00:30:36You're going
00:30:37in the
00:30:37right direction.
00:30:39Keep going
00:30:40down.
00:30:41On the
00:30:41right,
00:30:42you'll see
00:30:42the annex.
00:30:43Ask for
00:30:44Paolo.
00:30:45If he's
00:30:45not there,
00:30:46wait,
00:30:47but don't
00:30:47make eye
00:30:48contact.
00:30:51I want
00:30:52a green
00:30:52apple
00:30:53smoothie.
00:30:55But
00:30:56instead of
00:30:57a smoothie,
00:30:58see if they'll
00:30:59make it
00:30:59as a juice.
00:31:01But instead
00:31:02of apple,
00:31:03I want
00:31:03kale hearts
00:31:04and a
00:31:05turmeric
00:31:06extract.
00:31:07Actually,
00:31:07better idea.
00:31:08Are you
00:31:09near a
00:31:10penitentiary
00:31:11or cattle
00:31:11ranch?
00:31:13Anything
00:31:14with the
00:31:14kind of
00:31:15fencing
00:31:15where I
00:31:16could get
00:31:16electricity
00:31:17into lemons?
00:31:18No!
00:31:22I'm not
00:31:23doing this.
00:31:27Because I'm
00:31:28home now.
00:31:33I've been
00:31:33home for
00:31:3420 minutes.
00:31:38I emptied
00:31:39the dishwasher.
00:31:41Because you
00:31:42don't know
00:31:42how to
00:31:42ask for
00:31:43juice.
00:31:45But you
00:31:46might be
00:31:46saying,
00:31:47that's okay,
00:31:47she can
00:31:48get her
00:31:48own
00:31:48juice.
00:31:49No!
00:31:55Because if
00:31:55there's one
00:31:56thing I
00:31:56can tell
00:31:57you about
00:31:58people who
00:31:58only eat
00:31:59health food,
00:32:01they are
00:32:01sick every
00:32:03fucking
00:32:04day.
00:32:05They are
00:32:06sick every
00:32:08fucking
00:32:09day.
00:32:10The sun
00:32:11pierces the
00:32:13veil of
00:32:13night,
00:32:14and they
00:32:15don't feel
00:32:16good.
00:32:17If I had
00:32:19to cast
00:32:19people with
00:32:20the plague
00:32:21for a movie,
00:32:23I would get
00:32:23any shift
00:32:24shift from
00:32:25Whole Foods.
00:32:27Their skin
00:32:28is all
00:32:29sallow,
00:32:30their hair
00:32:31is Tim
00:32:31Burton,
00:32:34too weak
00:32:35to point.
00:32:35Where's the
00:32:36deli?
00:32:43And they
00:32:44get so
00:32:44buttered.
00:32:46So we were
00:32:48at a
00:32:48vegetarian
00:32:49restaurant,
00:32:50a lot of
00:32:51people.
00:32:52I didn't
00:32:52know all
00:32:53of them.
00:32:54I did.
00:32:55We're
00:32:56there,
00:32:56the group,
00:32:57and I
00:32:57made the
00:32:58mistake of
00:32:59casually
00:33:00mentioning I
00:33:02was not
00:33:02vegetarian.
00:33:04And this
00:33:05one dude,
00:33:06most people
00:33:07are cool,
00:33:08one dude,
00:33:08what?
00:33:14You'll eat
00:33:15a steak?
00:33:15a steak?
00:33:18Yeah.
00:33:20Oh,
00:33:20but you
00:33:21don't want
00:33:21to watch
00:33:21them murder
00:33:22the cow?
00:33:26Nailed
00:33:27it.
00:33:31I love
00:33:32my brother.
00:33:33I don't
00:33:33want to
00:33:33watch my
00:33:34parents fuck.
00:33:41You don't
00:33:42have to
00:33:42drag
00:33:43everything
00:33:44back to
00:33:46the point
00:33:48where it's
00:33:49awful.
00:33:54Everything
00:33:55is awful
00:33:56eventually.
00:34:02So I
00:34:03know a
00:34:03couple from
00:34:04back home,
00:34:05back east.
00:34:06The husband
00:34:07did not
00:34:08get vaccinated.
00:34:09The wife
00:34:10did get
00:34:11vaccinated.
00:34:12The husband
00:34:13got COVID.
00:34:14The wife
00:34:15did not
00:34:16get COVID.
00:34:17Do you
00:34:18know why?
00:34:22Because the
00:34:23husband was
00:34:24standing in
00:34:25front of the
00:34:26wife when
00:34:27the wind
00:34:28blew the
00:34:29COVID at
00:34:30them.
00:34:35You can
00:34:37be wrong.
00:34:39It's okay.
00:34:41hey, when
00:34:42did that
00:34:43become
00:34:43illegal?
00:34:45You can
00:34:46make a
00:34:46mistake.
00:34:47You don't
00:34:48lose time
00:34:49off of your
00:34:50life.
00:34:50I was at
00:34:51a yard sale.
00:34:52Not to
00:34:53brag.
00:34:59Yeah, I'm
00:35:00a big shot.
00:35:02I go to
00:35:03yard sales.
00:35:04No, we're
00:35:05at a yard sale.
00:35:06And there
00:35:07was this
00:35:07stack of
00:35:08old people
00:35:09magazines.
00:35:11People
00:35:12magazines
00:35:13that were
00:35:14old.
00:35:16Not old
00:35:17people
00:35:17magazines.
00:35:20Not like
00:35:21Matlock
00:35:22Watcher.
00:35:25Denture
00:35:26Enthusiast.
00:35:29And my
00:35:31favorite,
00:35:31Extremely
00:35:32Legal.
00:35:36and there
00:35:37was a
00:35:38People
00:35:38magazine
00:35:39from
00:35:391986
00:35:40and the
00:35:42cover story
00:35:42was
00:35:43The Most
00:35:43Respected
00:35:44Man in
00:35:45America.
00:35:46Reader's
00:35:46Poll.
00:35:48You know
00:35:48who it
00:35:48was?
00:35:50Bill Cosby.
00:35:53Reagan
00:35:53came in
00:35:54second.
00:35:56True.
00:35:57We made
00:35:58a mistake.
00:36:01We didn't
00:36:02know.
00:36:04He was
00:36:05the most
00:36:05respected
00:36:06man in
00:36:06America.
00:36:08And then
00:36:09he went
00:36:09to prison.
00:36:11And then
00:36:12they let
00:36:12him out.
00:36:15I think
00:36:16they were
00:36:16afraid he
00:36:17was going
00:36:17to commit
00:36:18sewer
00:36:18frazzle
00:36:19frizzles.
00:36:24I
00:36:25assaulted
00:36:26too many
00:36:27women.
00:36:28So I'm
00:36:29going to
00:36:29hang myself
00:36:30in the cell
00:36:30and commit
00:36:31sewer
00:36:31frazzle.
00:36:36It's a
00:36:37clear cut
00:36:37case of
00:36:38prison
00:36:39sewer
00:36:39frazzle.
00:36:44I went
00:36:45to high
00:36:45school in
00:36:46the 1980s.
00:36:48Every guy
00:36:49in my
00:36:49graduating
00:36:50class had
00:36:51a mullet.
00:36:52Seemed
00:36:53like a
00:36:53good idea
00:36:54at the
00:36:55time.
00:36:57You look
00:36:58in my
00:36:58yearbook
00:36:59now.
00:36:59It looks
00:36:59like I
00:37:00went to
00:37:00high school
00:37:00with a
00:37:01lesbian
00:37:01separatist
00:37:02militia.
00:37:07One day
00:37:08we'll be
00:37:08like that
00:37:09about vaping.
00:37:10Seemed
00:37:10like a
00:37:10good idea.
00:37:12The great
00:37:13taste of
00:37:13steam.
00:37:17The cool
00:37:18look of
00:37:19blowing a
00:37:19flashlight.
00:37:20light.
00:37:24And the
00:37:25ultimate
00:37:25example of
00:37:27we didn't
00:37:28know.
00:37:30Michael
00:37:31Jackson.
00:37:33We didn't
00:37:35know.
00:37:37And he
00:37:38didn't give
00:37:39us any
00:37:39signs.
00:37:47who would
00:37:48have thought
00:37:48that a
00:37:48glow-in-the-dark
00:37:49skeleton who
00:37:50dressed like
00:37:51Napoleon and
00:37:52lived by
00:37:53himself in
00:37:53an abandoned
00:37:54amusement park
00:37:55with other
00:37:56people's
00:37:56children and
00:37:57a feral
00:37:58chimp would
00:37:59have such a
00:38:00creepy dark
00:38:01side.
00:38:08And if
00:38:10you get
00:38:10to the
00:38:11point in
00:38:11your life
00:38:12when you
00:38:13wake up
00:38:14one morning
00:38:14and think
00:38:15you know
00:38:16I need
00:38:17a chimp.
00:38:21You're
00:38:22doing too
00:38:22much.
00:38:26Chimpanzees
00:38:27are
00:38:28horrible
00:38:29animals.
00:38:31If you've
00:38:32ever read
00:38:32a newspaper
00:38:33story about
00:38:34someone who's
00:38:35been attacked
00:38:36by a
00:38:36chimpanzee
00:38:37the wounds
00:38:39are always
00:38:41horrific.
00:38:44And
00:38:45they're
00:38:46always the
00:38:47same.
00:38:49Because
00:38:50chimpanzees
00:38:52are born
00:38:52with this
00:38:52thing called
00:38:54an attack
00:38:54protocol.
00:38:56Chimpanzees
00:38:57are born
00:38:58knowing how
00:39:00to kill
00:39:00you.
00:39:02the first
00:39:03thing a
00:39:03chimpanzee
00:39:04does when
00:39:05it attacks
00:39:06you, and
00:39:06I'm going
00:39:07to tell
00:39:07you, I
00:39:11want you
00:39:11to know
00:39:14they say
00:39:15that when
00:39:15a bear
00:39:16attacks you,
00:39:17you're
00:39:18supposed to
00:39:18make yourself
00:39:19look as
00:39:19physically
00:39:21imposing
00:39:23as you
00:39:24possibly can
00:39:27and speak
00:39:28and speak
00:39:29very
00:39:31soothingly.
00:39:35The trial
00:39:37and error
00:39:37that went
00:39:38into figuring
00:39:40that out
00:39:43is written
00:39:44in the blood
00:39:45of campers.
00:39:48Bear!
00:39:49Mersey
00:39:50dotes
00:39:50and
00:39:50dozy
00:39:51dotes
00:39:51and
00:39:51little
00:39:51emzy
00:39:52timey
00:39:57Don't sing
00:39:58pop songs
00:39:58from the
00:39:59thirties.
00:40:03Next!
00:40:07bears are so
00:40:09stupid.
00:40:12Bears
00:40:13think we
00:40:15all walk
00:40:15around
00:40:17with shit
00:40:18in our
00:40:19pants
00:40:26because
00:40:27everyone
00:40:27they've
00:40:28ever
00:40:28caught
00:40:35well
00:40:36we're
00:40:3612 for
00:40:3612,
00:40:37you tell
00:40:37me.
00:40:42Let's
00:40:42just eat
00:40:42the top
00:40:43half and
00:40:43go find
00:40:44some
00:40:44garbage.
00:40:48Should
00:40:49we tell
00:40:49them
00:40:49we
00:40:49speak
00:40:50English?
00:40:50Why?
00:40:51So we
00:40:51can
00:40:52talk
00:40:52about
00:40:52the
00:40:52shit
00:40:52in
00:40:53their
00:40:53pants?
00:40:58Here's
00:40:58your
00:40:58head.
00:41:01The
00:41:02first
00:41:02thing
00:41:02a
00:41:02chimpanzee
00:41:03does
00:41:05when
00:41:05it
00:41:06attacks
00:41:06you
00:41:07it
00:41:08breaks
00:41:08your
00:41:09jaw
00:41:11so
00:41:11you
00:41:11can't
00:41:12bite
00:41:12it.
00:41:14Then
00:41:17it
00:41:17chews
00:41:18your
00:41:18hands
00:41:19off
00:41:19so
00:41:21you
00:41:21can't
00:41:21claw
00:41:22it.
00:41:24And
00:41:24then
00:41:25it
00:41:27tears
00:41:28your
00:41:28genitals
00:41:29off.
00:41:41I
00:41:42guess
00:41:43so
00:41:45you
00:41:45won't
00:41:48rape
00:41:49it.
00:41:55Chimpanzees
00:41:56are
00:41:56so
00:41:57full
00:41:58of
00:41:58themselves
00:42:02they
00:42:03actually
00:42:04think
00:42:05that
00:42:05even
00:42:05after
00:42:06they've
00:42:06broken
00:42:07your
00:42:07jaw
00:42:08chewed
00:42:09off
00:42:09your
00:42:10hands
00:42:10you're
00:42:11still
00:42:11going
00:42:12to
00:42:12be
00:42:12trying
00:42:12to
00:42:12get
00:42:13him
00:42:13into
00:42:13the
00:42:13sack
00:42:14like
00:42:17there
00:42:18were
00:42:18guys
00:42:18chasing
00:42:19them
00:42:19through
00:42:19the
00:42:19jungle
00:42:20you
00:42:20wouldn't
00:42:20have
00:42:20chewed
00:42:21my
00:42:21hands
00:42:21off
00:42:22if
00:42:22you
00:42:22didn't
00:42:22want
00:42:23it
00:42:27you
00:42:28wouldn't
00:42:28have
00:42:28come
00:42:28out
00:42:28of
00:42:29the
00:42:29tree
00:42:29if
00:42:29you
00:42:29weren't
00:42:30into
00:42:30a
00:42:30lady
00:42:33yes
00:42:35my
00:42:35jaw
00:42:36is
00:42:36broken
00:42:38and
00:42:38my
00:42:38hands
00:42:39are
00:42:39chewed
00:42:39off
00:42:41and
00:42:41you
00:42:41know
00:42:41what
00:42:42else
00:42:44I'm
00:42:44tired
00:42:45of
00:42:45all
00:42:45the
00:42:45games
00:42:52and
00:42:53now
00:42:55I'm
00:42:56going
00:42:56to
00:42:56tell
00:42:57you
00:42:57all
00:42:57a
00:42:59terrible
00:43:00story
00:43:01that
00:43:07happened
00:43:07to
00:43:09some
00:43:09children
00:43:11at
00:43:13the
00:43:13Neverland
00:43:14Ranch
00:43:16yes
00:43:18I
00:43:18am
00:43:20and
00:43:22when
00:43:22I'm
00:43:22done
00:43:22you're
00:43:24going
00:43:24to
00:43:24laugh
00:43:27you
00:43:27think
00:43:28that
00:43:28you
00:43:28won't
00:43:28but
00:43:30you
00:43:30don't
00:43:30have
00:43:30all
00:43:31the
00:43:31information
00:43:33as
00:43:34everyone
00:43:34knows
00:43:35Michael
00:43:35Jackson
00:43:36had a
00:43:36chimp
00:43:36named
00:43:37Bubbles
00:43:38and
00:43:38Bubbles
00:43:38was
00:43:38adorable
00:43:39when
00:43:40it
00:43:40was
00:43:40a
00:43:40baby
00:43:40because
00:43:41everything
00:43:42is
00:43:42adorable
00:43:43when
00:43:44it's
00:43:44a
00:43:44baby
00:43:46rattlesnakes
00:43:46are
00:43:47adorable
00:43:47when
00:43:48they're
00:43:48babies
00:43:49but
00:43:50then
00:43:50Bubbles
00:43:51grew
00:43:51up
00:43:51and
00:43:51became
00:43:52an
00:43:52adult
00:43:52male
00:43:53chimp
00:43:53very
00:43:54powerful
00:43:55very
00:43:55unpredictable
00:43:56and
00:43:57with
00:43:57the
00:43:57potential
00:43:58for
00:43:58great
00:43:58physical
00:43:59violence
00:43:59so
00:44:00Bubbles
00:44:01was put
00:44:01into
00:44:01a
00:44:01cage
00:44:02and
00:44:02moved
00:44:03off
00:44:03the
00:44:03beaten
00:44:04path
00:44:04there
00:44:05at
00:44:05the
00:44:05old
00:44:06Neverland
00:44:06Ranch
00:44:07but
00:44:08make-a-wish
00:44:09kids
00:44:09would
00:44:11come
00:44:11to
00:44:11the
00:44:12ranch
00:44:12and
00:44:13they
00:44:13wanted
00:44:14to
00:44:14see
00:44:14Bubbles
00:44:16and
00:44:17Bubbles
00:44:18would
00:44:19hurl
00:44:19his
00:44:21feces
00:44:22at
00:44:22them
00:44:24which
00:44:26was
00:44:26not
00:44:26their
00:44:27stated
00:44:27wish
00:44:28and
00:44:35what
00:44:35you
00:44:35end
00:44:36up
00:44:36with
00:44:36is
00:44:37kids
00:44:38in
00:44:39wheelchairs
00:44:40on
00:44:42grass
00:44:43trying
00:44:45to
00:44:45evade
00:44:46cannon
00:44:46balls
00:44:47of
00:44:48monkey
00:44:49shit
00:44:51and
00:44:52I like
00:44:53to
00:44:53imagine
00:44:53what
00:44:54that
00:44:54must
00:44:55have
00:44:55looked
00:44:55like
00:44:56to
00:44:56the
00:44:57sound
00:44:57of
00:44:58Louis
00:44:58Armstrong's
00:44:59What a
00:45:00Wonderful
00:45:00World
00:45:05I see
00:45:07trees
00:45:08of
00:45:08green
00:45:18red
00:45:20roses
00:45:21too
00:45:29you
00:45:37I love
00:45:39animals
00:45:40we have
00:45:41a ton
00:45:41of
00:45:41animals
00:45:42I have
00:45:42a wife
00:45:43and
00:45:43three
00:45:43daughters
00:45:44everybody
00:45:44has a
00:45:45cat
00:45:46I have
00:45:47four
00:45:48cats
00:45:48two
00:45:48dogs
00:45:49I love
00:45:49my
00:45:49dogs
00:45:50I love
00:45:51my
00:45:51dogs
00:45:53but
00:45:54one
00:45:54of
00:45:54my
00:45:55dogs
00:45:57Alfie
00:45:59my
00:45:59little
00:46:00dog
00:46:00Alfie
00:46:03is
00:46:03so
00:46:05fucking
00:46:06stupid
00:46:09he's
00:46:10a
00:46:10rescue
00:46:12he's
00:46:12never
00:46:13been
00:46:13right
00:46:16Alfie
00:46:16has a
00:46:17look in
00:46:17his
00:46:17eyes
00:46:18that
00:46:18you
00:46:18only
00:46:19get
00:46:19from
00:46:20a guy
00:46:20in
00:46:20an
00:46:21army
00:46:21jacket
00:46:21sitting
00:46:22alone
00:46:22on a
00:46:23swing
00:46:23set
00:46:23in
00:46:23the
00:46:24rain
00:46:26he
00:46:31will
00:46:32be
00:46:32outside
00:46:33romping
00:46:34and
00:46:34playing
00:46:34for
00:46:35five
00:46:36hours
00:46:36running
00:46:37around
00:46:38the yard
00:46:38barking
00:46:39at
00:46:39squirrels
00:46:39and then
00:46:40finally
00:46:40I'll let
00:46:41him in
00:46:41like
00:46:41oh
00:46:42thank
00:46:42god
00:46:42I'm
00:46:42inside
00:46:43oh
00:46:43I
00:46:44almost
00:46:44peed
00:46:44outside
00:46:45I had
00:46:45to pee
00:46:45so bad
00:46:48this feels
00:46:49so good
00:46:51I almost
00:46:51peed on
00:46:52the tree
00:46:55is this
00:46:56the antique
00:46:56your mom
00:46:56gave you
00:46:58nope
00:46:59happy to
00:46:59market
00:46:59thank me
00:47:00later
00:47:00oh god
00:47:04and
00:47:06and he
00:47:07just
00:47:07he would
00:47:07not
00:47:08learn
00:47:08so I
00:47:09take him
00:47:09to the
00:47:10vet
00:47:10the vet
00:47:10puts him
00:47:11on
00:47:11dog
00:47:11prozac
00:47:12I feel
00:47:13like
00:47:14an idiot
00:47:14getting
00:47:15my dog
00:47:16prozac
00:47:16and
00:47:17and then
00:47:18a bigger
00:47:19idiot
00:47:19a week
00:47:20later
00:47:20when I
00:47:20have to
00:47:20bring him
00:47:21back
00:47:21because
00:47:21he can't
00:47:22get an
00:47:22erection
00:47:30and
00:47:30he's
00:47:3118
00:47:34he
00:47:34won't
00:47:35die
00:47:39he's
00:47:40staying
00:47:40alive
00:47:41out
00:47:41of
00:47:42spite
00:47:45I
00:47:46take
00:47:46him
00:47:46to
00:47:46the
00:47:46vet
00:47:46he
00:47:46said
00:47:47everything
00:47:47wrong
00:47:48with him
00:47:48a dog
00:47:49could
00:47:49have
00:47:49I
00:47:50take
00:47:51him
00:47:51to
00:47:51the
00:47:51vet
00:47:51every
00:47:52other
00:47:53week
00:47:53and
00:47:53then
00:47:53no
00:47:54it's
00:47:55surprising
00:47:57but
00:48:00it's
00:48:01not
00:48:01time
00:48:02yet
00:48:03that's
00:48:03what
00:48:03they
00:48:04always
00:48:04say
00:48:04it's
00:48:04not
00:48:04time
00:48:05yet
00:48:06to
00:48:07put
00:48:07him
00:48:07down
00:48:09you
00:48:09know
00:48:09they
00:48:10say
00:48:10a
00:48:10dog
00:48:11is
00:48:11a
00:48:11man's
00:48:11best
00:48:12friend
00:48:13you
00:48:14know
00:48:14what
00:48:14my
00:48:14best
00:48:15friend
00:48:15is
00:48:15never
00:48:15going
00:48:16to
00:48:16do
00:48:17make
00:48:18me
00:48:18murder
00:48:19him
00:48:20I
00:48:24have
00:48:25several
00:48:25human
00:48:26best
00:48:26friends
00:48:27I
00:48:28I
00:48:28not
00:48:28afraid
00:48:28of
00:48:28that
00:48:29call
00:48:29hey
00:48:30Dane
00:48:30I
00:48:31don't
00:48:31know
00:48:31what
00:48:32you're
00:48:32doing
00:48:32this
00:48:32weekend
00:48:32but
00:48:33I
00:48:33haven't
00:48:33been
00:48:33feeling
00:48:33that
00:48:34good
00:48:36I
00:48:36think
00:48:36maybe
00:48:36you'd
00:48:37just
00:48:37come
00:48:37by
00:48:37and
00:48:37kill
00:48:38me
00:48:38with
00:48:38a
00:48:38shovel
00:48:40I
00:48:40think
00:48:40one
00:48:41good
00:48:41swing
00:48:41to
00:48:41the
00:48:41head
00:48:42will
00:48:42do
00:48:42it
00:48:43why
00:48:44do
00:48:44I
00:48:44care
00:48:44what
00:48:44the
00:48:44police
00:48:45will
00:48:45think
00:48:46it's
00:48:47not
00:48:47about
00:48:47you
00:48:54so
00:48:56so
00:49:00I was
00:49:00in the
00:49:01airport
00:49:01the other
00:49:01day
00:49:02and I
00:49:02see
00:49:03this
00:49:03really
00:49:03sweet
00:49:03sight
00:49:04I
00:49:04see
00:49:04a
00:49:04woman
00:49:04she's
00:49:05walking
00:49:05with
00:49:06her
00:49:06little
00:49:06boy
00:49:06and
00:49:07the
00:49:07little
00:49:07boy
00:49:07is
00:49:08walking
00:49:08with
00:49:08his
00:49:08little
00:49:08dog
00:49:09and
00:49:09it
00:49:09was
00:49:09so
00:49:11sweet
00:49:12and
00:49:13the
00:49:13only
00:49:13thing
00:49:13that
00:49:13was
00:49:13interesting
00:49:14about
00:49:14it
00:49:15to
00:49:15me
00:49:15was
00:49:16that
00:49:16the
00:49:16woman
00:49:16was
00:49:16covered
00:49:17in
00:49:17tattoos
00:49:18just
00:49:18completely
00:49:19sleeved
00:49:20on both
00:49:20arms
00:49:21huge
00:49:21plate
00:49:22across
00:49:22her
00:49:22back
00:49:23and
00:49:23I
00:49:23understand
00:49:24that's
00:49:25normal
00:49:26now
00:49:26that's
00:49:27culture
00:49:29I'm
00:49:30just
00:49:30glad
00:49:31it
00:49:31wasn't
00:49:31culture
00:49:32when
00:49:33I
00:49:33was
00:49:34that
00:49:34little
00:49:34boy
00:49:36just
00:49:36thinking
00:49:37about
00:49:37the
00:49:37tats
00:49:38my
00:49:38mom
00:49:38would
00:49:39have
00:49:39gotten
00:49:42pack
00:49:43of
00:49:43merits
00:49:43and
00:49:44an
00:49:44astrology
00:49:44magazine
00:49:49big
00:49:49gothic
00:49:50font
00:49:50across
00:49:51your
00:49:51chest
00:49:51can
00:49:52I
00:49:52have
00:49:52five
00:49:53goddamn
00:49:53minutes
00:49:54to
00:49:54myself
00:49:54please
00:49:57and
00:49:58don't
00:49:58think
00:49:59I'm
00:49:59not
00:49:59going to
00:49:59tell
00:49:59your
00:50:00father
00:50:00what
00:50:01you
00:50:01did
00:50:01when
00:50:01he
00:50:02gets
00:50:02home
00:50:02from
00:50:02work
00:50:03although
00:50:04God
00:50:04knows
00:50:04when
00:50:05that's
00:50:05going
00:50:05to
00:50:05be
00:50:06because
00:50:06it's
00:50:06Thursday
00:50:07night
00:50:07and he
00:50:07got
00:50:08his
00:50:08paycheck
00:50:08so
00:50:09he's
00:50:09down
00:50:10at
00:50:10the
00:50:10bar
00:50:10with
00:50:10his
00:50:11asshole
00:50:11friends
00:50:12buying
00:50:12everybody
00:50:13rounds
00:50:14like
00:50:14we
00:50:14got
00:50:14all
00:50:14the
00:50:14money
00:50:15in
00:50:15the
00:50:15world
00:50:15and
00:50:16then
00:50:16he's
00:50:16going
00:50:16to
00:50:16come
00:50:17home
00:50:17and
00:50:17bitch
00:50:17to
00:50:17me
00:50:18that
00:50:18we're
00:50:18broke
00:50:19like
00:50:19I
00:50:19haven't
00:50:20seen
00:50:20a
00:50:20$20
00:50:20bill
00:50:21since
00:50:21Johnson
00:50:22was
00:50:22the
00:50:22president
00:50:23I'm
00:50:24sorry
00:50:24Mrs.
00:50:24Gould
00:50:25we're
00:50:25all
00:50:25out
00:50:25of
00:50:25back
00:50:25well
00:50:26find
00:50:26somebody
00:50:26else
00:50:27I'm
00:50:27still
00:50:27angry
00:50:34I have
00:50:35a lot
00:50:35of
00:50:35respect
00:50:36for
00:50:36moms
00:50:37when
00:50:38I
00:50:38when
00:50:39my
00:50:39first
00:50:39wife
00:50:40and I
00:50:40divorced
00:50:42I
00:50:43didn't
00:50:43think
00:50:43I
00:50:43was
00:50:43going
00:50:43to
00:50:44date
00:50:44anybody
00:50:44again
00:50:44I
00:50:45was
00:50:45kind
00:50:45of
00:50:45like
00:50:45I'm
00:50:46done
00:50:48and
00:50:49then
00:50:49you
00:50:49know
00:50:49life
00:50:50intercedes
00:50:50and I
00:50:51ended up
00:50:51dating
00:50:52a woman
00:50:52that I
00:50:53knew
00:50:54socially
00:50:54that was
00:50:55in like
00:50:56my social
00:50:56group
00:50:57and
00:50:57we
00:50:57were
00:50:58both
00:50:58married
00:50:58and
00:50:59then
00:50:59we
00:50:59were
00:50:59both
00:50:59divorced
00:51:00and
00:51:01at
00:51:01the
00:51:01time
00:51:01I
00:51:02had
00:51:02three
00:51:02daughters
00:51:02and
00:51:03she
00:51:04at
00:51:04that
00:51:04time
00:51:05had
00:51:06two
00:51:06year
00:51:06old
00:51:07triplets
00:51:11and
00:51:12that's
00:51:12why
00:51:12I
00:51:12say
00:51:13that
00:51:14because
00:51:14that's
00:51:15always
00:51:15the
00:51:15response
00:51:16I
00:51:19go
00:51:19all
00:51:20over
00:51:20the
00:51:20country
00:51:21Europe
00:51:21Canada
00:51:23never
00:51:23once
00:51:24no
00:51:26every
00:51:27time
00:51:32what's
00:51:32your
00:51:32girlfriend
00:51:33like
00:51:33oh
00:51:33she's
00:51:33great
00:51:34she's
00:51:34in
00:51:34that
00:51:34religion
00:51:35where
00:51:35they
00:51:35speak
00:51:35in
00:51:35tongues
00:51:36and dance
00:51:36around
00:51:36with a
00:51:37poisonous
00:51:37snake
00:51:37oh yeah
00:51:38I've
00:51:38seen
00:51:39that
00:51:39that's
00:51:39fascinating
00:51:40yeah
00:51:40and she
00:51:41has
00:51:41triplets
00:51:41what are
00:51:42you
00:51:42fucking
00:51:42nuts
00:51:43get the
00:51:43hell
00:51:43out of
00:51:44there
00:51:49the
00:51:49only
00:51:50reason
00:51:50I
00:51:51bring
00:51:51it
00:51:51up
00:51:51is
00:51:53I
00:51:53had
00:51:54never
00:51:54changed
00:51:55a
00:51:56boy's
00:51:56diaper
00:51:57before
00:51:58and
00:51:59I
00:51:59don't
00:52:00know
00:52:00if
00:52:00any
00:52:00of
00:52:00you
00:52:00have
00:52:00ever
00:52:00changed
00:52:01a
00:52:01boy's
00:52:02diaper
00:52:03or
00:52:04have
00:52:04seen
00:52:05an
00:52:05elephant
00:52:06bathe
00:52:06itself
00:52:07in
00:52:07a
00:52:07river
00:52:12same
00:52:12principle
00:52:15and
00:52:21that's
00:52:21the
00:52:22difference
00:52:22between
00:52:22having
00:52:24kids
00:52:24and not
00:52:24having
00:52:24kids
00:52:25I was
00:52:25like
00:52:26oh I
00:52:26have
00:52:26pee
00:52:26in
00:52:27my
00:52:27hair
00:52:28and
00:52:29not
00:52:29call
00:52:29911
00:52:31it's
00:52:32pee
00:52:33it's
00:52:33pee
00:52:36so I
00:52:36turn
00:52:37around
00:52:37to get
00:52:37a
00:52:37napkin
00:52:38my
00:52:38back
00:52:39is
00:52:39turned
00:52:39for
00:52:39about
00:52:39an
00:52:39eighth
00:52:40of
00:52:40a
00:52:40second
00:52:40I've
00:52:41done
00:52:41this
00:52:41before
00:52:42you
00:52:42know
00:52:42so I
00:52:42turn
00:52:43around
00:52:43and by
00:52:43the time
00:52:44I turn
00:52:44back
00:52:44he is
00:52:45grabbing
00:52:47his
00:52:49junk
00:52:49junk
00:52:50and I
00:52:51don't
00:52:51mean like
00:52:52pocket
00:52:52pool
00:52:52waiting
00:52:53for
00:52:53your
00:52:53taxi
00:52:54or
00:52:54lift
00:52:56Hercules
00:52:57trying to
00:52:57tear the
00:52:58skin
00:52:58off a
00:52:59serpent
00:53:02I
00:53:03literally
00:53:03went
00:53:04involuntarily
00:53:08get a
00:53:08full
00:53:09curly
00:53:10honey
00:53:11the
00:53:12baby's
00:53:12trying to
00:53:12pull his
00:53:13cock
00:53:13off
00:53:13I
00:53:13don't
00:53:14know
00:53:14how
00:53:14you
00:53:14want
00:53:14me
00:53:14to
00:53:14play
00:53:15this
00:53:16and I
00:53:17had to
00:53:17say
00:53:17something
00:53:18because
00:53:18I
00:53:18didn't
00:53:18want
00:53:19her
00:53:19to
00:53:19come
00:53:19in
00:53:19and
00:53:20find
00:53:20me
00:53:20fighting
00:53:21with
00:53:21her
00:53:21son
00:53:21over
00:53:22his
00:53:22penis
00:53:23hey
00:53:24hey
00:53:25hey
00:53:31I
00:53:32can
00:53:32explain
00:53:35he
00:53:35wanted
00:53:36to
00:53:36touch
00:53:36it
00:53:38it's
00:53:38a good
00:53:38thing
00:53:39I
00:53:39was
00:53:39here
00:53:42but
00:53:43he
00:53:43he
00:53:44had
00:53:44no
00:53:45shame
00:53:47I
00:53:47just
00:53:47think
00:53:47about
00:53:48how
00:53:48I
00:53:48was
00:53:48raised
00:53:48you
00:53:49know
00:53:49Irish
00:53:49Catholic
00:53:50Massachusetts
00:53:50shame
00:53:52any
00:53:53bodily
00:53:53function
00:53:54shame
00:53:56what is
00:53:57the
00:53:58percentage
00:53:58of
00:53:58people
00:53:59in
00:53:59this
00:53:59country
00:54:00who
00:54:01chronically
00:54:02masturbate
00:54:03like
00:54:04who
00:54:04have
00:54:04a
00:54:05problem
00:54:05it
00:54:06interferes
00:54:06with
00:54:06their
00:54:06life
00:54:08120
00:54:09130
00:54:10percent
00:54:15half
00:54:16of
00:54:16those
00:54:17people
00:54:19believe
00:54:20in
00:54:20guardian
00:54:21angels
00:54:24half
00:54:25the
00:54:25country
00:54:25believes
00:54:26in
00:54:26guardian
00:54:27angels
00:54:28half
00:54:29the
00:54:29country
00:54:30believes
00:54:30there's
00:54:31a tiny
00:54:31invisible
00:54:32woman
00:54:32in a
00:54:34nightgown
00:54:34floating
00:54:35above
00:54:36your
00:54:36head
00:54:36and
00:54:38she's
00:54:38there
00:54:38to
00:54:38help
00:54:38you
00:54:39find
00:54:39your
00:54:39keys
00:54:42my
00:54:43mom's
00:54:43one of
00:54:44those
00:54:44people
00:54:44sweetheart
00:54:45you
00:54:46have
00:54:46a
00:54:46guardian
00:54:46angel
00:54:47and
00:54:47she's
00:54:48always
00:54:48with
00:54:48you
00:54:50i
00:54:51know
00:54:54i
00:54:56feel
00:54:56so
00:54:56bad
00:54:57for
00:54:57that
00:54:57woman
00:55:01the
00:55:01shit
00:55:02she
00:55:02has
00:55:02sat
00:55:03through
00:55:05oh
00:55:05dana
00:55:06what
00:55:06are you
00:55:07looking
00:55:07at
00:55:07on
00:55:07the
00:55:07computer
00:55:08oh
00:55:09no
00:55:09not
00:55:10again
00:55:16think
00:55:16of
00:55:17the
00:55:17time
00:55:17you
00:55:17waste
00:55:19could
00:55:20have
00:55:20learned
00:55:21a
00:55:21language
00:55:23could
00:55:24have
00:55:24learned
00:55:25all
00:55:25the
00:55:25languages
00:55:27she
00:55:28has
00:55:28too
00:55:29many
00:55:29friends
00:55:31so
00:55:36there's
00:55:36a
00:55:36store
00:55:37here
00:55:38in
00:55:38los
00:55:38angeles
00:55:39called
00:55:40the
00:55:41pleasure
00:55:41chest
00:55:42it's
00:55:44up
00:55:44on
00:55:45santa
00:55:45monica
00:55:45boulevard
00:55:46in
00:55:46west
00:55:47hollywood
00:55:47and it's
00:55:48a lovely
00:55:48little
00:55:49place
00:55:49it's
00:55:49an
00:55:50adult
00:55:50novelty
00:55:51store
00:55:52a
00:55:53dildorium
00:55:54if you
00:55:54will
00:55:56and
00:55:57they
00:55:57have a
00:55:57comedy
00:55:58night
00:55:58there
00:55:59because
00:56:00of
00:56:01course
00:56:01they
00:56:01do
00:56:05and
00:56:05they
00:56:05called
00:56:06me
00:56:06up
00:56:06and
00:56:06they
00:56:06said
00:56:07do
00:56:07you
00:56:07want
00:56:07to
00:56:07do
00:56:07the
00:56:07show
00:56:08and
00:56:08I
00:56:08go
00:56:08sure
00:56:08yeah
00:56:08I'll
00:56:09come
00:56:09down
00:56:09I'd
00:56:09love
00:56:09to
00:56:10and
00:56:12now the
00:56:14first thing
00:56:14that strikes
00:56:15me when I
00:56:17went into
00:56:17the pleasure
00:56:18chest
00:56:18was
00:56:20the toys
00:56:21don't look
00:56:22like what
00:56:23you would
00:56:24think they
00:56:25would look
00:56:25like
00:56:26they're not
00:56:27anatomical
00:56:28at all
00:56:29they're
00:56:31they used
00:56:31to be
00:56:32now they're
00:56:34just like
00:56:34bright orange
00:56:35curly
00:56:36cues
00:56:36and lime
00:56:38green
00:56:39twisty
00:56:39shapes
00:56:40it
00:56:41looked like
00:56:41replacement
00:56:42limbs
00:56:43for an
00:56:43all
00:56:44muppet
00:56:44veterans
00:56:45hospital
00:56:52my
00:56:53question
00:56:53is
00:56:54who
00:56:55shops
00:56:56at that
00:56:56store
00:56:58doesn't
00:56:59everybody
00:57:00have the
00:57:00internet
00:57:01I mean
00:57:02again
00:57:03it could
00:57:03be me
00:57:03I'm
00:57:04from a
00:57:04very
00:57:04repressed
00:57:05upbringing
00:57:05but I
00:57:06honestly
00:57:06could not
00:57:07just walk
00:57:07in that
00:57:08store
00:57:08like
00:57:08with a
00:57:16list
00:57:17oh
00:57:17yeah
00:57:19hey are
00:57:20these
00:57:20gluten
00:57:20free
00:57:21you know
00:57:23they're
00:57:24anal
00:57:24beads
00:57:30which are
00:57:32a thing
00:57:41anal
00:57:42anal
00:57:42beads
00:57:44are
00:57:47a thing
00:57:48that we
00:57:51as a
00:57:53people
00:57:53design
00:57:57mass
00:57:58produce
00:58:00market
00:58:01market
00:58:02and
00:58:03sell
00:58:09the
00:58:10American
00:58:11experiment
00:58:12is not
00:58:13over
00:58:18there is
00:58:19still life
00:58:20in the old
00:58:21girl yet
00:58:25look at
00:58:26the competition
00:58:28Russia
00:58:29ha
00:58:31Russia's
00:58:32not even
00:58:33a country
00:58:34it's a
00:58:35gas station
00:58:36with an
00:58:37army
00:58:40Russia
00:58:41only does
00:58:42two
00:58:42things
00:58:43it supplies
00:58:44the eastern
00:58:45bloc with the
00:58:46raw material
00:58:46for fossil
00:58:47fuels
00:58:47and
00:58:48occasionally
00:58:49chooses
00:58:51the American
00:58:52president
00:58:52but that's
00:58:54all Russia
00:58:54does
00:58:59what does
00:59:01China
00:59:01really
00:59:02do
00:59:05it
00:59:06steals
00:59:06our
00:59:07intellectual
00:59:07property
00:59:08and sells
00:59:09it back
00:59:09to us
00:59:10at a
00:59:11vastly
00:59:11inflated
00:59:12price
00:59:12and
00:59:14occasionally
00:59:15allows
00:59:17you know
00:59:18assholes
00:59:18like
00:59:19me
00:59:21to have
00:59:23a family
00:59:24but
00:59:25here in
00:59:26America
00:59:27we
00:59:30innovate
00:59:31we
00:59:33put a
00:59:34man
00:59:34on the
00:59:35moon
00:59:35we
00:59:36invented
00:59:37the
00:59:38computer
00:59:39chip
00:59:39we
00:59:40have
00:59:41anal
00:59:42beads
00:59:50specially
00:59:51made
00:59:52beads
00:59:53just
00:59:55for
00:59:56your
01:00:00anal
01:00:05we
01:00:06didn't
01:00:06steal
01:00:07the
01:00:07idea
01:00:07from
01:00:08another
01:00:08country
01:00:09and
01:00:09sell
01:00:10it
01:00:10back
01:00:10at
01:00:11an
01:00:11inflated
01:00:11price
01:00:13an
01:00:13American
01:00:15shot
01:00:15out of
01:00:16bed
01:00:16in the
01:00:16middle
01:00:16of the
01:00:16night
01:00:17and
01:00:17thought
01:00:18gully
01:00:21I
01:00:22wish
01:00:22there
01:00:22was
01:00:22a
01:00:23necklace
01:00:23so
01:00:23big
01:00:24it
01:00:24felt
01:00:24great
01:00:25being
01:00:25yanked
01:00:26out
01:00:26of
01:00:26my
01:00:26asshole
01:00:39nobody
01:00:39touched
01:00:40this
01:00:40equation
01:00:45three
01:00:45in the
01:00:46morning
01:00:46Matt
01:00:46Damon
01:00:47comes
01:00:47in
01:00:57there
01:01:03are
01:01:04two
01:01:04jobs
01:01:05in
01:01:05America
01:01:06with
01:01:07debilitating
01:01:08levels
01:01:09of
01:01:09stress
01:01:09air
01:01:11traffic
01:01:12controller
01:01:12and
01:01:14the
01:01:14person
01:01:15that
01:01:16ties
01:01:16the
01:01:16knot
01:01:17on
01:01:17that
01:01:18last
01:01:18piece
01:01:21because
01:01:26what you
01:01:27really
01:01:27don't
01:01:28want
01:01:28go
01:01:39don't
01:01:40panic
01:01:42I
01:01:43made
01:01:43chili
01:01:55I'm a
01:01:56lot
01:01:56more
01:01:56positive
01:01:57than
01:01:57people
01:01:57think
01:01:58and
01:02:02I
01:02:02really
01:02:03did
01:02:03try
01:02:04to
01:02:05change
01:02:05my
01:02:06outlook
01:02:06on
01:02:06life
01:02:06a
01:02:06couple
01:02:06years
01:02:07ago
01:02:07and
01:02:07you
01:02:07know
01:02:07what
01:02:07really
01:02:08was
01:02:08the
01:02:08motivating
01:02:09factor
01:02:09and
01:02:09I'm
01:02:09not
01:02:10kidding
01:02:11the
01:02:11Mr.
01:02:12Rogers
01:02:12documentary
01:02:14did
01:02:15anyone
01:02:15see
01:02:15that
01:02:15it's
01:02:16called
01:02:16won't
01:02:17you
01:02:17be
01:02:17my
01:02:17neighbor
01:02:17yeah
01:02:18it's
01:02:19unbelievable
01:02:20the whole
01:02:20premise
01:02:21of the
01:02:21documentary
01:02:22is
01:02:22he's
01:02:23really
01:02:23Mr.
01:02:24Rogers
01:02:25you know
01:02:25like
01:02:26he was
01:02:26a
01:02:26tubby
01:02:27kid
01:02:27and
01:02:27he
01:02:27got
01:02:27bullied
01:02:28but
01:02:28he
01:02:28didn't
01:02:28let
01:02:29it
01:02:29destroy
01:02:29him
01:02:30and
01:02:30he
01:02:30grew
01:02:31up
01:02:31and
01:02:31he
01:02:31had
01:02:31problems
01:02:32but
01:02:32he
01:02:32worked
01:02:32through
01:02:33them
01:02:33and
01:02:33he
01:02:33got
01:02:33married
01:02:33and
01:02:34he
01:02:34loved
01:02:34his
01:02:34wife
01:02:34and
01:02:35he
01:02:35loved
01:02:40know
01:02:40how
01:02:40that
01:02:40happened
01:02:46we
01:02:46can't
01:02:47figure
01:02:47it
01:02:47out
01:02:50the
01:02:51most
01:02:51moving
01:02:52part
01:02:52of the
01:02:53film
01:02:54is
01:02:54he
01:02:54goes
01:02:55to
01:02:55visit
01:02:55Coco
01:02:56the
01:02:56gorilla
01:02:57I
01:02:58don't
01:02:58know
01:02:58if
01:02:58you're
01:02:58familiar
01:02:59Coco
01:02:59the
01:02:59gorilla
01:02:59was
01:03:00this
01:03:00hyper
01:03:00intelligent
01:03:01silverback
01:03:02mountain
01:03:02gorilla
01:03:03who
01:03:03lived
01:03:03in
01:03:03northern
01:03:04California
01:03:04and
01:03:05she
01:03:06could
01:03:06speak
01:03:06in
01:03:07sign
01:03:07language
01:03:08she
01:03:08had
01:03:09a
01:03:09kitten
01:03:09a
01:03:09domesticated
01:03:10pet
01:03:10which
01:03:11was
01:03:11unheard
01:03:11of
01:03:12for
01:03:12a
01:03:12silverback
01:03:13mountain
01:03:13gorilla
01:03:14and
01:03:14she
01:03:14loved
01:03:15watching
01:03:16Mr. Rogers
01:03:17neighborhood
01:03:17in her
01:03:18enclosure
01:03:19so they
01:03:20arranged
01:03:20for
01:03:21Fred Rogers
01:03:22to come
01:03:22and visit
01:03:23her
01:03:23so
01:03:23Fred Rogers
01:03:24comes in
01:03:25and he
01:03:25sits down
01:03:25and then
01:03:26this is all
01:03:27in the film
01:03:27and then Coco
01:03:28comes around
01:03:29the corner
01:03:29and Coco
01:03:32is the
01:03:33size of
01:03:33a minivan
01:03:35she's a
01:03:36silverback
01:03:37mountain
01:03:37gorilla
01:03:38and she
01:03:38comes up
01:03:39and she
01:03:39sits down
01:03:40at his
01:03:40feet
01:03:40and then
01:03:42very
01:03:42gingerly
01:03:44slips
01:03:44off his
01:03:45shoes
01:03:47because that's
01:03:48what she
01:03:48saw him
01:03:48do
01:03:49on television
01:03:50he would
01:03:50come in
01:03:51sit down
01:03:51and take
01:03:52off his
01:03:52shoes
01:03:52put on
01:03:53his
01:03:53tennis
01:03:53shoes
01:03:54and then
01:03:55she
01:03:55signed
01:03:56I
01:03:56love
01:03:57you
01:04:00then she
01:04:00broke
01:04:01his jaw
01:04:03shoes
01:04:04things
01:04:12the terrible
01:04:14day in the
01:04:14neighborhood
01:04:16the end
01:04:18thank you
01:04:19very much
01:04:20see you next
01:04:22time
01:04:23oh my lord
01:04:25thank you very
01:04:26much
01:04:27thank you
01:04:29thank you
01:04:31thank you
01:04:45thank you
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