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FunTranscript
00:05Ah, hello.
00:07Is this tall taken?
00:08I was saving it for you.
00:09Oh.
00:10You know, we really should have taken a holiday like this
00:13a long time ago.
00:14Yeah.
00:15Well, this is the best you've ever looked.
00:17I gave you a little BBL.
00:18I like my mermaids with some whale tail.
00:20What the hell is going on here?
00:23I said to bag the sand, not playing it like children.
00:26These are just the leftovers, okay?
00:28We ran out of sandbags.
00:29After filling up every single one, by the way,
00:32which felt like overkill.
00:33It's not overkill, okay?
00:34There's a biblical storm coming.
00:36A once-in-a-lifetime storm, supposedly.
00:38Like a great man once said,
00:40one day a rain may come and wash all the scum from these streets.
00:44Did you just call Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver a great man?
00:47Travis was a Vietnam veteran,
00:48and he knew the value of firearms and physical fitness.
00:55Storm's coming.
00:56Get back to work, Papadakis.
00:57I prefer Myrmidakis.
00:59I prefer Myrmidakis.
00:59I'm not about to call you Myr-
01:01Stop looking at me.
01:26Hey, the NATO base in Mons has flooded because of the storm, and I told General Martin that she and
01:31her troops can come here.
01:32And we will put them up.
01:34Oh, your old hottie slumber party.
01:36Ooh.
01:37It's not a real slumber party, and I don't care if they're hotties or busted.
01:40Thank you, Conway.
01:41Ooh, got it.
01:41What's happening?
01:42The Colonel and I have been doing a generational cultural exchange.
01:45I taught him busted, and he taught me about something called Credence Clearwater Revival.
01:49Very good, Conway.
01:51Yeah.
01:51The troops are on their way.
01:52I want you guys to be aware of the fact you're going to have to share quarters, okay?
01:55And Sergeant Conway is in charge of the accommodation, so she will assign everybody.
01:59Does General Martin have any special requests?
02:01Uh, I think General Martin is all set.
02:03Okay.
02:04Sorry.
02:05Well, I don't know what's going on here.
02:07Sounds like your Canadian girlfriend's trying to move in with you.
02:10No.
02:11Yeah.
02:11That's not what I said.
02:12That's how it starts.
02:13Come over.
02:14I got central AC.
02:15Next thing you know, you're signing a name to the lease.
02:18Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.
02:19Trust me.
02:20Sooner or later, General Martin's going to be wearing her night guard to bed and letting
02:23her panties dry in the shower.
02:25That's so awful.
02:26Yeah, okay.
02:27Not going to be happening, okay?
02:28I just hope that you're ready to give up your side of the bed.
02:31My side of the bed is the whole bed, okay?
02:34There's no two sides.
02:35It's my side.
02:36Got it.
02:37Interesting fact.
02:38Interesting.
02:40I'm your superior officer.
02:41You're not allowed to mock me.
02:54Hi.
02:55Hi.
02:58Um...
03:01You know, things have been so busy since yesterday when we, uh...
03:05Kissed?
03:06Kissed.
03:06Yeah.
03:07That kiss was amazing.
03:08It was something out of a movie.
03:09Yeah, okay, yeah.
03:10It was the best kiss of my life, so...
03:12Yeah, me too.
03:13But we also thought, like, maybe you were going to die.
03:15Yeah, I might die, but...
03:16So...
03:17I guess there's only one way to find out.
03:19Yeah.
03:25Hmm.
03:25Hmm.
03:28Um...
03:29That...
03:29Wasn't quite...
03:30As good.
03:31Yes.
03:32I remembered it.
03:32Remembered it.
03:33Yeah.
03:34It's me.
03:34It's me.
03:35Okay, you know how, like, some people find sneaking around really, like, sexy?
03:38Yeah.
03:38Yeah, well, you know what I found really sexy?
03:39What?
03:40Following the rules.
03:41Okay.
03:41And I think that's what's happening here.
03:43I understand.
03:44Um...
03:45Yeah.
03:45But we want to do this.
03:46But we want to do this, yes.
03:47Okay.
03:47We got to do this.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Just, um...
03:50Work our way up to it.
03:51Work our way up to it.
03:53Hmm.
03:54Come on in.
03:55Everything is normal in here.
03:56The door is not closed for any reason at all.
03:58We are good here.
03:58How are you?
04:07Okay, I'm not going to say it's a good thing that there's a flood.
04:10Because thoughts and prayers to the tulip farmers, obviously.
04:12But it's not a bad thing that I'm going to get more face time with General Martin.
04:16No.
04:17I hope she's not thinking that this is going to be some kind of a step for the relationship,
04:22you know, like step forward.
04:23Because I'm not really...
04:24I don't want to take a step in any direction.
04:26Yeah, you've got to accept that it's a step.
04:27Really?
04:27Yeah.
04:28Because our relationship is like so sexy and fun.
04:30Those are the two things we're built on.
04:33And Scotch and innuendo.
04:35Four things.
04:35Those are like...
04:36That's our foundation.
04:37It's like drinking and messing around.
04:40You know what I mean?
04:41Like I don't think even with an act of God that that would change.
04:45Have you ever considered that maybe God wants you two to be together?
04:49Okay, you know I have Catholic stuff.
04:51That's creepy for you to use that against me.
04:54Just bring him into my temporary office.
04:57We made it.
04:58Now get me out of these damp clothes and pour me a Scotch.
05:01Hurry.
05:05See?
05:06Sexy and fun.
05:07Okay.
05:08You know sometimes you just forget that you're my dad.
05:09Who's Catholic now?
05:18Captain, since I'm still aidless I was hoping you could step into the role while I'm on base.
05:22Yeah.
05:23Yes, ma'am.
05:25Man, I am not hating this flood.
05:27But thoughts and prayers to the tulip farmers.
05:31I hate tulips.
05:32Captain, I just saw a soldier in pajamas.
05:35I told them pajama night can never happen.
05:38What's next?
05:39Charades and s'mores.
05:40Snack time everyone!
05:42Some welcoming snacks for a lovely guest.
05:44We got chocolate, marshmallows and grey ham crackers.
05:47But I wasn't sure.
05:47Do you put ranch dressing on this or not?
05:50I can never really guess when you guys like ranch dressing on food or when you don't.
05:58So I guess we proved you can put maple syrup on anything, pretty much.
06:03Right?
06:04Having a Canadian roommate isn't so bad, is it?
06:08Oh.
06:09Sorry, I thought we were calling it.
06:11We can call it.
06:12Okay.
06:12Yeah, let's call it.
06:13Okay.
06:14If I don't use this thing, I gnaw through my own jaw.
06:16Yeah, yeah.
06:17Got it.
06:18Not a problem.
06:19I mean, you gotta do what you...
06:30Oh my god.
06:36It's Saturday.
06:37What do you want to do today?
06:38Ah, Saturdays I have to sharpen my hunting knives and it takes a long time.
06:44I've got to be really super focused so I have to be kinda by myself.
06:47But what are you gonna do?
06:48I was gonna watch some human cockfighting.
06:50Your case...
06:52You...
06:52What?
06:53Human cockfighting.
06:55Where?
06:59Oh!
07:00Wow!
07:00This is a fun Saturday.
07:02What do you think we were gonna do together?
07:03Go to Ikea?
07:06Oh!
07:07Man!
07:11Do we have any, like, softer one of these weapons?
07:13I just...
07:13I was...
07:13I was led to believe that this wouldn't hurt in any way.
07:17And, like...
07:17I guess we're just missing nap time.
07:20How did that rather soft-ing fellow get into the army?
07:24Oh, well, Corporal Papadakis has many extraordinary talents.
07:29And hand-on-hand combat is not one of them.
07:31Mmm.
07:34But at least he's getting his nap time.
07:36Fight!
07:3850 euro if you don't hit me, yeah?
07:40Yeah!
07:40Fine!
07:41100 euro!
07:42It's so great having real soldiers on the base, you know what I mean?
07:45It's just...
07:45I haven't seen one pair of open-toe shoes.
07:48But our guys are getting pummeled.
07:50Okay!
07:51We got ourselves a negotiator!
07:52Fake Louis Vuitton luggage set, hmm?
07:55Oh, my God!
07:56You have interesting friends.
07:58Well, they have unconventional skills.
08:01Yeah.
08:02And what about you?
08:03Are you interesting?
08:05Oh, I am uninteresting.
08:07Good.
08:08Yeah.
08:08Because after the debacle with my last aide,
08:10smoking something called Afghani Trainwreck,
08:12I need somebody totally by the book.
08:14You got it.
08:16Oh, well.
08:17By the book.
08:20Oh!
08:21Oh!
08:22Fine!
08:22Real Louis Vuitton luggage set,
08:24but that's my final offer.
08:27So, was it good for you?
08:29Listen, all joking aside,
08:30was it true what you said about that private's mom?
08:32Oh.
08:33He sure cried like it was true.
08:34He did.
08:37I sure got hit in the head a lot.
08:40Yeah.
08:41But you always got right back up.
08:43I sure got hit in the head a lot.
08:47Is he gonna be okay?
08:49I don't know.
08:50General Martin said we can't go to the medic
08:52unless we want to be diagnosed as weak.
08:54Your dad with General Martin equals disaster.
08:56Okay.
08:57Look, it's only for a few more days.
08:59So, I don't know.
09:00Try to make friends tonight.
09:02Don't have sex with them.
09:03Or do.
09:04I don't know.
09:04I'm not your mom.
09:05What?
09:07So, uh, do you guys do that stick-fighting thing every day?
09:13No.
09:14Sunday's is paintball.
09:15General Martin designed their own guns.
09:18They are very powerful.
09:19Looks like it.
09:22Oh, we have gotta get our hands on those paintball guns.
09:24I sure got hit in the head.
09:27A lot.
09:28No!
09:29No!
09:30No!
09:30No!
09:31No!
09:32No!
09:33No!
09:34No!
09:38No!
09:59We need to steal those paintball guns before tomorrow.
10:01Because unless General Martin made those paintball guns shoot mimosas, I am not letting that
10:05demon ruin my Sunday too.
10:06Because General Martin's idea of fun is torture.
10:13Oh, I didn't find guns, but I think I might have found something else.
10:20Great.
10:21All I found were these candy jawbreakers.
10:23Papadakis, that's not candy.
10:25Those are paintballs.
10:32Hey.
10:33Hey.
10:33What's going on?
10:34Nothing.
10:34I was just watching a YouTube compilation with Martin of old people falling down.
10:39And when they fall in water, we drink.
10:41So I'm pretty drunk.
10:43So I'm going to grab some scotch.
10:44Wait.
10:44Are the old people hurt?
10:45Uh, not the ones who fall in the water, you know, as long as they can swim, which a lot
10:50of them can't.
10:51Anyways, I realized something.
10:52It's pretty cool, man.
10:53I'm liking having her around.
10:55Yeah?
10:55Turns out when you like somebody the way I like her, and you take that little step, it can be
11:00a good thing.
11:00And I came to that conclusion on my own.
11:03I didn't need therapy like that family court judge said I did.
11:06Right?
11:07Yeah.
11:07I guess, uh, sometimes you gotta take a risk.
11:12Unless you're an old person on an escalator.
11:14Yeah.
11:14You just want to take the stairs?
11:17Huh.
11:17Okay.
11:18How you doing?
11:19Thanks for asking.
11:19Yeah, actually, you know when you have these things swirling?
11:22Yeah, I gotta.
11:23She's waiting on me.
11:24Oh, yeah, yeah.
11:24No, no.
11:25Yeah, yeah.
11:25You gotta get back to watching old people.
11:26All right, pal.
11:27All right.
11:27See ya.
11:28No problem.
11:28Okay.
11:28If you get bored, you can come over and watch.
11:30I'm not gonna do that.
11:34The key to disciplining soldiers isn't the yelling.
11:37It's the silence between the yelling.
11:39Huh.
11:40Cause I just do the opposite.
11:41I just like, I rant for like, you know, a solid block like six, seven minutes and then I throw
11:45something.
11:46Ooh, what's your favorite thing to throw?
11:47Like a chair, you know, like Bobby Knight style, you know?
11:50Um, it really gets their attention.
11:52This is interesting though, comparing notes.
11:54I like this.
11:55It's hard to be mean in a vacuum.
11:57Yeah.
11:59Who the hell is that?
12:02What is it?
12:02What, what, what?
12:03Hey.
12:06Where's Janelle Martin?
12:07Who is it?
12:09Him.
12:09It's a personal friend seeking guidance over, I got my girlfriend pregnant.
12:15And she's in love with her best friend and they're gonna raise a kid together.
12:18I, I got it, hon.
12:20Listen, I found blueprints of the base in General Martin's office.
12:24I also ate paint.
12:26So, what's the deal?
12:27Maybe she was gonna get a frame for me, like as a gift or something.
12:31These are the exact blueprints that Gideon was tricked into stealing.
12:34We never found out who was behind that.
12:35Maybe it was Martin.
12:37There's also plans for a remodel of the base.
12:42Yeah, I think they know it's cool.
12:44Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:45So, what do we get?
12:45What are you saying?
12:46It's women tearing down women time, isn't it?
12:48Did you guys learn nothing from that human resources video I had to watch with the animated bears?
12:52Because it was all about that kind of stuff.
12:54So, your girlfriend is not being straight with you.
12:56You're going sex blind.
12:57She is your girlfriend.
12:58I'm not sex blind, but no, she is.
12:59You know what?
13:00Look at the bright side.
13:01You know, two moms means less responsibility for you, Papadakis.
13:04You know what?
13:05We'll talk about it more tomorrow.
13:06I was making that up.
13:08I was making that up.
13:09What happened in this thing?
13:20Hey.
13:24Okay, wait, hey, wait.
13:25We gotta talk.
13:26No, no, we're talking.
13:27No, we're talking.
13:28Okay.
13:32Hey.
13:33Hey.
13:34What do you think?
13:35Do you think we should remodel with T-Fack?
13:39No, I think it's fine.
13:42Yeah.
13:43Me too.
13:44I mean, the only way a remodel would make sense is if you were going to double the number
13:47of troops.
13:48Then you'd bash out the back wall, you'd switch out the round tables for bench seating, and
13:52expand the kitchen.
13:53But that's just off the top of my head.
13:56Right.
13:57How's the book?
13:59It's good.
14:00Just getting to the section on Pearl Harbor.
14:05Politics aside, you gotta respect a surprise attack.
14:10Yeah.
14:11You've got me in my office on a Sunday.
14:14You'd better be World War III.
14:16I think if it was World War III, sir, you'd already be in your bunker.
14:18Is General Martin taking over my base?
14:21What?
14:21No.
14:22No, no, no, no, no.
14:22The US Army is giving it away.
14:24You're just giving bases away now?
14:26What are you?
14:26That's nuts.
14:27No wonder you've never seen combat.
14:29When the fighting starts, I guess you just, what, surrender?
14:31NATO has made a massive weapons deal with the Army.
14:33And General Martin wants a, you know, a training base in the region.
14:37So, since Baumholder is a base of value, I convinced our superiors to throw in Strupdorf.
14:43You know, like, free perfume with purchase.
14:46You know, your whole obsession with humiliating me is now reaching a really creepy, fetishy area.
14:52I'm not the one who invited your girlfriend to move in.
14:56That you did on your own.
14:58And now she is your boss.
15:04Oh, see, I wanted to capture that exact moment so that it'll pop up on my screensaver from time to
15:09time.
15:09Of course, because you need something to replace the pictures of all the kids you never see anymore.
15:13Oh, well, look who's talking.
15:15You know what, sir? I'm not gonna let you get away with this.
15:17Ah, too late.
15:18The wheels are already turning.
15:19Oh, and if you try to block it, you will be crushed.
15:23Oh, see, um, your eyes were closed.
15:26So let's try this again.
15:27How does it feel to be the only American to lose a battle with Canada?
15:33Oh, see, now that, that's a keeper.
15:35You know what, sir? I should give you a fair warning.
15:38You might want to get that bunker ready.
15:39I'm about to start World War III.
15:43Oh.
15:44There it is.
15:45Yeah, that, that's what we were looking for.
15:49Yeah.
15:49And I think I know why we found it.
15:52You do?
15:53Mm-hmm.
15:54Because I took a job with General Martin.
15:58She called me and offered me a position as her permanent aide at NATO, which, you know, comes with a
16:04move, but also comes with a promotion to major.
16:10Wow.
16:11Which means it's not in your chain of command.
16:14Yeah.
16:14And we can do this.
16:18Wow.
16:19I didn't realize that when I submitted my retirement paperwork last night.
16:27What?
16:30I mean, sometimes you gotta take a risk, right?
16:32I mean, I mean, this is crazy.
16:35Isn't it funny that we, like, gift of the Magi at each other?
16:39That is crazy.
16:41We're so on the same page.
16:46Actually, we're not.
16:47We're not.
16:49Well, no.
16:51Look, I accepted a new job like 30 minutes away.
16:54Uh-huh.
16:55You quit your job.
16:57You gave up your whole career.
16:59Twenty years of service for a girl you haven't even been on a date with.
17:04Uh, you're welcome.
17:07Okay.
17:09Okay.
17:10Look, I've failed at every relationship that I've ever been in, right?
17:16Uh-huh.
17:17And you, well, you literally just got a divorce.
17:22Probably should've talked about this first.
17:24Yeah, we probably should've, but, I mean, I've been thinking about it, and I've been thinking about us a lot.
17:29I actually see a future for us, okay?
17:31I see, like, the house.
17:32The family wireless plan.
17:34Kids.
17:34Kids?
17:35Yeah.
17:35Would we talk about that?
17:36Or would you surprise me with some?
17:38I'm not gonna surprise you with kids.
17:40That's not how that works, okay?
17:41I have to go.
17:42I do.
17:42I, um, I'm helping General Martin prepper schedule, okay?
17:44As soon as I find my bra.
17:47Okay, dude, you don't need to do this, okay?
17:48You don't need to run away.
17:49Don't be like the Colonel, okay?
17:50You don't need to avoid emotional conversations.
17:51We can talk through this.
17:53I am nothing like my dad.
17:57Don't do this.
17:58Don't just walk away.
17:59Let's talk about it.
17:59What do you want to talk about, huh?
18:00Kind of fit my Christmas tree up the chimney?
18:03Huh?
18:03I'm sorry you found out this way.
18:04I wasn't supposed to say anything until it was official.
18:06Oh, really?
18:07I've told you plenty of official secrets, okay?
18:09Like the fact that we have a sound cannon that makes people projectile vomit.
18:12And that was one of the most romantic dates of my whole life.
18:15Look, you have worked so hard making this base a success.
18:18Enjoy the spoils.
18:19NATO taking over can just allow you to transfer to a better base.
18:22You're right.
18:23Oh, my God.
18:24I didn't even think of it that way.
18:25You're doing me a favor.
18:26I should be thanking you.
18:27I'm going to send you some thank you flowers.
18:28Where should I have Sha send them?
18:30Oh, yeah.
18:30Right here.
18:31Because you live here now.
18:32It's not personal, Patrick.
18:33Oh, it's very personal, okay?
18:34You Trojan horse me with two of my favorite things.
18:37Sex and human cockfighting.
18:38If you wanted to move in, you should have just asked.
18:41I'm not your enemy.
18:42But I could be.
18:43God, you are already my enemy.
18:45My God.
18:46You know what?
18:47I'm just going to give you a heads up.
18:49I planted an alarm in here.
18:50It's going to go off very soon.
18:52Loud enough to drive you crazy.
18:54But faint enough that when you look for it,
18:56that you won't be able to locate where it actually is.
19:01Oh, yeah.
19:01That's going to drive me nuts.
19:03Merry Christmas, Grinch.
19:07Really, this is all you got is the rosé?
19:09I mean, rosé is more about, like, quantity.
19:11That's why it comes in a box.
19:13I can't believe Martin thought she was doing me a favor.
19:17I can't believe Shaw thought he was doing me a favor.
19:19Crazy.
19:20It is insane.
19:21Did it sacrifice everything for our future?
19:24Like they're our saviors or something.
19:26It's insane.
19:27It's crazy behavior.
19:31You don't think there's a chance that we are self-sabotaging,
19:35Quinn-style, so that we don't get hurt?
19:39No.
19:40No.
19:40It's not us, honey.
19:42It's always them.
19:42It's them.
19:43It's them.
19:43That's the way they want us to think.
19:45I'm obviously not going to take the job with General Martin
19:48after everything that's...
19:49Honey, have you learned nothing from working with me?
19:51What do you mean?
19:52Career goes before family every time.
19:55So you are taking that job, okay?
19:56Number one, you earned it.
19:57Number two, you deserve it.
19:59Thanks, Dad.
19:59Plus, it can't hurt to have a Quinn on the inside.
20:02Find out what her next moves are going to be.
20:04And then, you know, frame her for selling military secrets.
20:07Wait, what?
20:08You know, see how you feel.
20:14Company, attend.
20:17Up!
20:18Our training exercise is on hold.
20:21The paintball gear has been stolen.
20:23Don't worry.
20:24I've been eating the evidence.
20:26Why don't you just steal a little paper?
20:27The guns were in my office, and only Stroopstorff soldiers had access.
20:31Maybe it's a cat burglar situation.
20:33Interesting theory.
20:34So what I'm going to do is keep my eyes peeled for someone very sexy wearing spandex.
20:38Well, don't look at me.
20:40The only thing I'm guilty of stealing is hearts.
20:42I am in charge of this base now, and I order everyone to be normal!
20:47Yes, ma'am!
20:48We will be normal.
20:51Normal.
20:55Big stars.
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