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00:00I'm back, back in the New York
00:04I'm back, back in the New York
00:09Learn how to drive you jabroni!
00:11I'll see you in the bottom of the fuckin' Hudson!
00:17It's so great to be back in New York.
00:18Yeah.
00:23Here I am, and in the city
00:26With a fistful of dollars
00:29And baby, you better believe
00:32I'm back, back in the New York
00:37I'm back, back in the New York
00:37We come bearing gifts.
00:38Oh, wow, I see that.
00:40Hi, pretty.
00:45Oh, look at that, look at that view.
00:47That's gorgeous.
00:52You know I can't accept bribes.
00:54Bribes? I don't...
00:55Bribes?
00:55Bribes?
00:56Oh, no, this is...
00:56I just have a low blood sugar.
00:57I want to go some fruit.
01:00Well, I heard that you were understandably less than pleased
01:05That I announced I was doing a show at your esteemed venue
01:09Before I had actually booked it
01:11And I just wanted to come in person and apologize and say
01:13I cannot wait to work together.
01:15You're right.
01:16I was very pissed off
01:17Because that is not how things work around here.
01:20No.
01:20I'm sorry.
01:22And if you would come to me
01:23I would have told you that I don't think you're right for MSG
01:26I think you're right for Radio City
01:29I think you're right for Webster Hall
01:31Ha!
01:32I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall
01:34Oh.
01:35Okay.
01:35I can tell you're a whole... deal.
01:38She is.
01:39But we do feel very strongly that the garden is the best venue
01:41For someone of Deborah's stature.
01:43Okay.
01:44The talk show was great.
01:46But you don't have the cops.
01:48You haven't toured in years.
01:50You barely have any social media presence.
01:52It's just...
01:52It's too much of a gamble.
01:54I will sell out.
01:57And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
01:58I mean, we will front the rental cost.
02:00You'll be off the hook.
02:01It's not just about the money.
02:02If you are playing MSG,
02:04you are the center of cultural conversation.
02:07I mean, our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
02:10We can't just let anyone perform here.
02:12I'm sorry.
02:13Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
02:15Murder My Stupid Ass Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
02:19It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
02:22They swayed the presidential election.
02:25You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans
02:27because they are rabid.
02:28They abducted me once.
02:29I got free but I didn't call the cops because they are so sweet.
02:34My point is, they're enthusiastic and these tickets are gonna sell.
02:37I just don't see it.
02:39This won't be just a stand-up show.
02:40This will be historic.
02:42I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me
02:45and speaking truth to power.
02:46This is bigger than just me.
02:48I'm sorry, Deborah.
02:50I'm so sorry.
02:51I should not have wasted your time with this petty gifting business.
02:58Had two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks, huh?
03:01Thank you so much for coming by.
03:03Absolutely.
03:04Thanks.
03:04We'll leave these with your assistant.
03:07Have a nice day, I guess.
03:11That MSG Booker is dumb.
03:13And her leather jacket was stupid.
03:14No, it was a full grain leather and a sophisticated cup.
03:17Fine.
03:17She's rich, cool, and ruining our lives.
03:19Look, we just need to reignite the base.
03:22The Little Debbies would help me with anything.
03:24Do you remember in 93?
03:25They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated
03:27at the spokesperson for Snackwells?
03:29Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website
03:30the day your cashmere dusters dropped?
03:32Yeah, exactly.
03:33What about that autograph convention in Vegas you passed off?
03:35The Little Debbies will love that.
03:36You're a genius!
03:38All right, we get my biggest fans together in one place,
03:40I shower them with love and affection,
03:42and then we ask them to organize a grassroots movement
03:45to get me Madison Square Garden!
03:47Yes.
03:47When is it?
03:48Three weeks, the 21st.
03:49That's Ava's birthday.
03:51It's fine.
03:51Are there any other options?
03:52No.
03:52No, no, no.
03:53Honestly, I don't care about my birthday.
03:55I really don't.
03:57You have to at least take the day off.
03:59And hang out with who?
04:01I only have one friend, remember?
04:02What are you talking about?
04:05Remember the last night in Singapore?
04:06You said it was weird you were my only friend?
04:09You probably don't remember.
04:10You're pretty drunk, girl.
04:12It's fine.
04:13Don't worry, I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts
04:15by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
04:18Seriously, you should do it.
04:19So should I book it?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Here, Jimmy.
04:23Get the shot.
04:29Perfect.
04:30What?
04:30That's what we've been waiting for?
04:32Yeah.
04:32For content.
04:34I'm looking for my baby, been searching for a long, long time.
04:43I got to find my baby, got to get this feeling off my mind.
04:50You need to hurt us all.
04:53Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
04:56So we've talked to the organizers, slipped them a hundo, and guess what?
04:59They moved Heather Locklear to the other side of the building.
05:01Good.
05:02She stole my exact shade of blonde in 98.
05:04And look, I know you want to be out by 3, so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin
05:07and see if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio.
05:09Perfect, yeah. I don't want to be here too late.
05:10Okay.
05:10I'm going to head to the table.
05:12All right.
05:12See you over there.
05:14And you.
05:16Happy birthday, birthday girl.
05:18Oh, tickling you.
05:19Oh, thanks.
05:20I know we normally get you a gift, but we are a little low on funds this year.
05:22I'm sorry about that.
05:23Don't even worry about it.
05:24Oh, my God.
05:24I finished your mall girl script last night, Ava.
05:26Mm-hmm.
05:27It is so good.
05:29Oh.
05:29Yeah, I laughed.
05:30I cried.
05:31It's like, it's emotional and cinematic.
05:32It's really special, and I can't wait to send it around.
05:34Oh, my God. Amazing.
05:36I'm proud of you.
05:37Oh.
05:38Coffee birthday girl.
05:40Wow, this is a really fancy tray.
05:42Had it custom made.
05:43Heaters built in, USB charging, patent pending.
05:47You're a really good assistant.
05:49You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad.
05:52It's about power.
05:53Nice watch.
06:00Honey, I would love to sign this, but I can't legally.
06:03I love you guys.
06:05Hi.
06:07Hi.
06:08There they are.
06:08They're probably just filming at the mouth.
06:11Hey, my little Demis.
06:18Hi.
06:22Hello.
06:24Oh, wow.
06:25The DV industry Swiss army knife.
06:27It's got it all.
06:28It's got the tweezers.
06:29It's got the brow spoolie.
06:31And come on.
06:32Who could ask for more?
06:32More than that.
06:34Very rare item.
06:35Actually, it's widely available on the internet.
06:37Which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards.
06:40Um, how would you, how would you like to...
06:42Just your name, please.
06:43Okay.
06:49It's great to see you.
06:52Hey.
06:53How's it going?
06:54Oddly icy.
06:55Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat in season brief.
06:59So I'm feeling starstruck and amazing.
07:01One autograph.
07:02Hi there.
07:03Hi.
07:04Hi.
07:05Oh, hey.
07:05Sorry.
07:06Uh, I think the line starts back there.
07:08Oh, no.
07:08I'm actually here for you.
07:10I am a huge fan of me.
07:14Yeah.
07:14I was obsessed with Girl Town and you always wrote the best episodes.
07:18Oh, my God.
07:19I left college for that job.
07:20I know.
07:22And then I followed you on Twitter.
07:24Even now I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes.
07:26Oh, no.
07:27Don't do that.
07:28Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it.
07:33Yeah.
07:33I'd never even seen Deborah before.
07:36I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career.
07:40She's mad lucky to have you.
07:42Wish you said that a little louder, but thank you.
07:44Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
07:48I...
07:49Yes.
07:50I've never signed anything for anyone before.
07:53Wow.
07:54This is amazing.
07:55I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones.
08:00But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society.
08:05Anytime.
08:10I'll catch you around.
08:11Yeah, I'll be around all day.
08:13Cooley.
08:14Cooley.
08:16Cooley.
08:17I can't tell you.
08:17I'm sorry.
08:19Please.
08:19It's on me.
08:21Thanks.
08:21Thanks for coming.
08:23Take care.
08:23Oh, Ezekiel.
08:24Nice to see a familiar face.
08:26What can I sign for you?
08:27I've actually signed something for you.
08:29It's my resignation letter as president of the Debra Vance fan club Southwest Branch.
08:34Ezekiel, you've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years.
08:37I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere.
08:42Okay.
08:43Okay.
08:44What...
08:44What is going on?
08:45What is the problem?
08:46The problem is that you went Hollywood.
08:50I did not go Hollywood.
08:52I did not go Hollywood.
08:52Yes, you did.
08:53You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years.
08:56I don't know what to do and what not to do.
08:57Sometimes I just sit in the dark.
08:59Yeah.
09:00You discontinued your car insurance plan and now I'm uninsured.
09:05Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance.
09:07And you discontinued the Debra Vance red light mask.
09:10I liked the burns.
09:11It eventually turned to tan.
09:12Yeah.
09:13You won't have me.
09:14You're a lizard.
09:17Hey!
09:18Get into a single file line or you will be tased.
09:21Do not fuck with me.
09:26You should address the lizard thing.
09:28It's not gaining traction.
09:31Who's next?
09:32And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
09:34Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.
09:35That ranch you did against Lipka?
09:37Gold.
09:38Legend.
09:39That guy's a friggin' animal.
09:40Tell me about it.
09:41Plus, she always invites me to her 4th of July party.
09:43I never go, but, uh...
09:45The invite's always nice.
09:46Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, ma'am.
09:47We appreciate you.
09:49Never too big, Jimmy.
09:51Never too big.
09:51My man.
09:52Alright.
09:54Okay, now that's a guy I could be friends with.
09:55I love him.
09:56That's exactly what I'd like to hear from you, boss,
09:58because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male loneliness epidemic.
10:01No.
10:02I know. It's terrible.
10:03My Uncle Maury shot himself in the head.
10:05It's Renee O'Connor.
10:06Of course.
10:07Who's that?
10:08From Xena Warrior Princess.
10:09The show.
10:09The show on the WB.
10:11Oh, TV show.
10:12Yeah.
10:12I haven't made it to TV yet.
10:13I'm still making it through all the movies.
10:16She's Xena.
10:17No, that's Gabrielle.
10:18That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant.
10:20She's a traveling bard.
10:21Well, you gotta go say hi.
10:22Hell no.
10:23I would be so nervous.
10:24I would faint.
10:25No, I couldn't.
10:26I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times.
10:27I even still have a recurring dream that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus so that humans
10:31don't lose their capacity for healing and fire.
10:33Jimmy, you're meeting her.
10:34You'll regret it if you don't.
10:36Come on.
10:36You think?
10:36I know so.
10:38Okay.
10:38Okay.
10:39God, I wish I had a beta blocker.
10:40Alright, let's go.
10:41Woo!
10:43So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Deborah?
10:46Yeah.
10:47Yeah, I actually just wrote a movie about a girl who lives at the mall.
10:49Oh, such a good idea.
10:51Got my tickets.
10:52I am so rosat.
10:54You are so sweet.
10:55Shit, wait.
10:56This is just occurring to me.
10:58Are you gonna have to leave Deborah?
10:59No, no.
11:00I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night.
11:03Hmm.
11:06So, what's your, like, dream?
11:09You know, I've always wanted to create my own show.
11:12I was voted, uh, most likely to show run my high school yearbook.
11:16I mean, I did create the superlative, but still.
11:18I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, but, um, it's your birthday today, right?
11:23Yeah.
11:24Yes, it is.
11:25And you're turning 30, right?
11:28Yeah.
11:29Poof.
11:29Pretty big milestone.
11:31Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
11:34No, not, I mean, no, not really.
11:36Hmm.
11:37I don't think.
11:37Should I?
11:38No.
11:38No.
11:39I'm not.
11:39Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday.
11:42Like a cupcake, or, you don't have to.
11:45But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing.
11:48Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing.
11:51But if funfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have...
11:53They just have corn muffins.
11:54Perfect.
11:56It's your day.
11:57Woo!
11:58Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden, not Portsmouth, New Hampshire?
12:01I mean, we are important, too.
12:03But we built a revolutionary war fleet.
12:05And we so appreciate that.
12:07You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call.
12:09Now, how are we supposed to sync up our microthing?
12:12You never published another book of Debokus.
12:14And the regular Sudokus are just too hard.
12:17I'm mad you left QVC.
12:18And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier.
12:22Work it out.
12:23I miss Marcus.
12:24Damien never sends us locks of your hair.
12:28You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election, so why didn't vote?
12:33And now my kids won't talk to me.
12:35I sent you two suspicious packages and didn't even receive a cease and desist letter.
12:39You used to care.
12:40Okay, that's it.
12:41I need a break.
12:42Ten minute break.
12:45These people are impossible to please.
12:48I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life.
12:51Think of it this way.
12:52Today, you are being paid to be yelled at.
12:54For some people, that's a kink.
12:59Oh yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah.
13:01Oh, she looks the exact same.
13:03Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules?
13:07And they were so enthusiastic that they actually helped get the spin-off series made.
13:10Grassroots movements are always so inspiring.
13:13That is, until they turn bloodthirsty.
13:15Next!
13:16Here we go.
13:17Here we go.
13:17We paid?
13:18Hi.
13:19I'm Renee.
13:20I'm Renee.
13:20You're Renee.
13:22I'm Renee.
13:23I'm Jimmy.
13:23You're Jimmy.
13:24I am so starstruck.
13:25I'm so sorry.
13:25This is weird because, um, so okay, I'm a manager in L.A.
13:28So I never get starstruck, but I think that you were such a talent and the series meant
13:32so much to me.
13:33I was so lucky to be a part of that world.
13:35Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast?
13:37You know, they're really big right now where you go through old episodes and discuss them.
13:40I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that.
13:42Girl, shut up!
13:44Are you kidding?
13:44We love the show.
13:45We've watched it all.
13:46People would love that content.
13:47Like the Hope storyline, you know?
13:49When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
13:51Was it from the beginning or did it slowly dawn on you?
13:53Well, her father was a wicked demigod, so it kind of tipped it off for me.
13:56Right.
13:57Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual?
13:59I was like, that's going to come back.
14:00Yeah, it did.
14:00Yeah.
14:01Do you mind if we get a photo?
14:02Of course.
14:04I'm sorry.
14:04I'm sweating.
14:05Okay.
14:06Okay.
14:08Ah!
14:08Smile big!
14:10Bigger!
14:11Ah!
14:12Cuties!
14:12Not that big, not that big.
14:13Split the difference, split the difference.
14:14You have to just start over and get all new fans.
14:17I mean, there are people born every day, right?
14:18I gotta tell you, I mean, as someone who just got their first fan, you really need
14:21to cherish these moments.
14:22It's been 12 minutes and I said 10.
14:24Oh!
14:25Okay, hey, just try to keep it together.
14:28Right?
14:28No promises.
14:30Okay.
14:32Hello.
14:33How can I do better for you?
14:35Oh, no.
14:35I just wanted to say thank you.
14:38Oh.
14:40You're welcome.
14:41For what?
14:41Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours ever since Live Free or Diet.
14:46And we came to Vegas and we saw you at the Palmetto.
14:50Yeah.
14:50And then we were, like, literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours the entire car ride home.
14:56It was, like, the best weekend.
14:58I'm so glad.
15:00Anyway, we made you something to say thank you.
15:06It's you, Barry, and Kara.
15:09Wow.
15:11And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains.
15:1429 types.
15:16Woo!
15:16We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter just to nail your light honey blonde.
15:22It's gotten a little warped because we made it three years ago.
15:25But you haven't been to any of these, so we couldn't get it to you.
15:28But here you go.
15:32That's beautiful.
15:34That's beautiful.
15:36Is your mom here so I can thank her?
15:38Oh, no.
15:40She passed in May.
15:44I'm so sorry, honey.
15:47She would be so happy that I was finally able to get this to you.
15:51She really loved you.
16:04I need a minute.
16:08It's okay.
16:09Damien, it's okay.
16:27Oh, yeah.
16:29Been there.
16:30It's carpal tunnel.
16:31You need one of these.
16:32No.
16:33It's not that.
16:34It's...
16:36It's...
16:37Ah.
16:38Fan art's so ugly, it moves you to tears.
16:41Something like that.
16:42I once had a guy paint a portrait of me using a stamp pad and his anus.
16:48It's framed in my bathroom.
16:51No, it's not that it's ugly.
16:52I mean...
16:54It is.
16:55It's just that this...
16:57This woman and her mother spent months of their lives making this.
17:02Oh, yeah.
17:04But so what?
17:05They love doing it.
17:07They support us.
17:08We show up for them.
17:10That's the frickin' deal, Mama.
17:12Well, that's the thing.
17:13I haven't been showing up for them.
17:16And...
17:16They're very mad at me for it.
17:19They'll forgive you.
17:22I don't deserve it.
17:24I just came here to exploit them because I need their help.
17:30Well...
17:31Just tell them what you need.
17:33They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you and that you need them more than anyone else.
17:38And it sounds like you might.
17:41The truth will set you free, baby doll.
17:44That's all they want.
17:50That and a t-shirt that only some people are allowed to get.
18:11Little Debbies, I have news.
18:16Madison Square Garden won't give me a date because they say I'm not big enough to play it.
18:21So I came here to get you to rally for me.
18:27Which is unfair.
18:30Because...
18:31You're right.
18:33I have neglected you.
18:36And...
18:37I am so sorry.
18:40Hold on. They're saying you're not big enough to play MSG.
18:43Fuck that!
18:44The Garden would be lucky to have you.
18:48Well, in time I hope that I can regain your trust.
18:51They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do.
18:54That's our job!
18:55For the greatest comedian of all time!
18:58Yes!
18:59So the Knicks can play MSG but not Deborah Vance?
19:03Misogynistic bullshit!
19:04I don't care if you are a lizard.
19:06You deserve to play MSG!
19:09As president of the Little Debbies Tucson chapter, this will not stand.
19:13Wait, sorry. Sorry.
19:15I thought you were my fan.
19:17What are you talking about? That's Cindy.
19:19She's the third generation little Debbie.
19:20That's right. I'm here for Deborah.
19:22I just wanted to replace you and write for her, you stupid bitch!
19:26Oh my God.
19:29So you didn't like any of my tweets?
19:30They're not jokes, they're thought poems!
19:33Okay.
19:34Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
19:37Amanda Weinberg at MSG-Entertainment.com
19:421, Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H.
19:47Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue. That's a promise.
19:51You know what? If you can do that, I'm making the tickets $20 so you all can come!
19:56And you know what? I'm bringing back Deborah Plus!
20:00And you know what else? This year's Christmas theme is fuchsia and cherry, the 1997 Redux!
20:14Good, actually. I didn't think it would be, but the Macchiato, perfect memory. What?
20:18Jimmy.
20:18The Macchiato is really good for me.
20:19Jimmy! Jimmy!
20:20Oh, Renee! Hey!
20:22You know, I want to thank you for your advice.
20:24I reached out to Lucy and she loves the Xena Rewatch podcast idea.
20:28Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
20:29Yeah. Well, you know, it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with my work.
20:34I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, much less actually watch the whole show.
20:38What? People are insane. People are sick. People are sick. I don't get it.
20:41Sick people. Piece of shit.
20:43I'm sure your roster is crowded, but would you ever consider representing me?
20:49Us? Absolutely.
20:51All right. Well then, I mean, I probably should give you 10% of what I made today.
20:56No, no, no. That's not necessary, but thank you.
20:58Are you okay with hundreds?
20:59Yes.
21:01Love them. I will take those. Thank you.
21:03Wow. This is difficult.
21:04Okay. Well, this was amazing.
21:06Consider yourself a client of Schaefer and Lussac.
21:08Yeah. Let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week.
21:11When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner.
21:12You like Greek?
21:13I love Greek.
21:14I don't eat octopus though. Anymore.
21:16They're too intelligent.
21:17That's right.
21:22Eric Estrada looked amazing.
21:26Oh, my God.
21:31What?
21:32Surprise.
21:33This is crazy.
21:35We love you, girl.
21:38Aw.
21:39Happy birthday, love.
21:41Aw.
21:42Happy birthday, honey.
21:44Look who's here.
21:45Oh, wow.
21:47Hi.
21:47Hi.
21:48Honey Regan.
21:49It's May.
21:49Yup. Hey, how are ya?
21:51Nice to see ya.
21:52Hi.
21:53It's so nice to see you.
21:54It's been forever.
21:55Eighth grade graduation.
21:56How could I forget?
21:57Yeah, when Debra called, I told her how inseparable you two were and how it would mean the world
22:02to you to be together on your 30th.
22:03So here we all are.
22:04Absolutely.
22:05Yup. Yup.
22:06How are you?
22:07Amazing.
22:08Yeah.
22:09I married Greg Holland.
22:11Remember him?
22:12Um.
22:13He ran through a glass door.
22:15His cousin drowned in the quarry.
22:16Oh.
22:16Yes, Greg.
22:17He used to put girls in his hockey bag.
22:18Him.
22:19Anyway, we have four kids under six.
22:21Whoa.
22:21Yup.
22:21Whoa.
22:22Yup.
22:22All natural.
22:23Good for you.
22:24Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here.
22:26Yeah, I bet.
22:27I should tell you, Mr. Merch just died.
22:28Oh.
22:29That's so sad.
22:30No, it's not.
22:31He was a pedophile.
22:32Convicted.
22:32Multiple times over.
22:35Let's party.
22:36Come on.
22:38Oh.
22:38Oh.
22:41Oh.
22:41My God.
22:42And we got just a few of your favorite things.
22:45The entire Jack and Box menu.
22:48A cranberry kombucha.
22:50Oh, yes.
22:50Cupcakes from a queer bakery.
22:52Oh.
22:52And of course.
22:53Oh my God.
22:54For two cheese rolls and pappuccino pappa melts.
22:57I had them flown in this morning.
22:58I miss these rolls.
23:04The spray cleans the screen while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard.
23:09Thank you so much.
23:11Please use it.
23:12I will.
23:12Sorry.
23:13Ladies and gentlemen.
23:14We have one last surprise.
23:17Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney.
23:26This one goes out to the most special girl in the world.
23:30You know who you are.
23:31It's me.
23:33Happy birthday.
23:33I've heard about this in my middle school journals.
23:36It's coming true.
23:37I know.
23:38I read your journals.
23:39That's why he's here.
23:43I don't want another pretty face.
23:46I don't want just anyone to hold.
23:49I don't want my love to go to waste.
23:51I want you and your beautiful soul.
23:55Oh yeah.
24:00I know that you are something special.
24:06To you I'd be always faithful.
24:11And I want to be what you always needed.
24:16Then I hope you see the heart in me.
24:20I don't want another pretty face.
24:23I don't want just anyone to hold.
24:26I don't want my love to go to waste.
24:28I want you and your beautiful soul.
24:34Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow.
24:36You can bowl your own cantaloupe.
24:39Good night.
24:39Night.
24:40Well, you know what?
24:41I'm going to say goodnight now too.
24:43I have a 4.15am flight to Papeete to see my boyfriend
24:46in the senior world windsurfing competition.
24:48I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
24:50Well, I emailed you about him.
24:51I emailed her.
24:52No, I don't think you did.
24:53Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava.
24:56And it's become physical.
24:57The first since your father.
24:58Well, depends what you count.
25:00Oh God.
25:01Well, I love you.
25:02Okay.
25:03Bye.
25:04Good night.
25:05Night.
25:06Bye.
25:06Awesome.
25:10Well, that was a successful party.
25:13Yeah.
25:14It's so many friends who showed up for you.
25:17And that Jenny, you know, the one who drank vodka
25:20out of one of my really nice wine glasses?
25:23Yes, Jenny Regan.
25:24The girl I only befriended so that I could play
25:26with her hermit crabs and then she stopped being my friend
25:29when she got her period before me.
25:31Oh.
25:33Friend's a friend.
25:34Yeah.
25:34And you had a lot of them here.
25:40Deborah.
25:42Did you only throw me at this party because you feel bad
25:44about what you said on the boat in Singapore?
25:46No.
25:48I mean, it's your birthday.
25:50You deserve a party.
25:51A birthday party.
25:52Wow.
25:53You ever heard one of those?
25:54Guilt looks good on you.
25:56Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that.
25:59You're not wrong.
26:02You are my only friend.
26:05What hurt me was that you said it was weird,
26:07because I don't think it is.
26:11You know, I think you're the reason that I haven't been there
26:15for the Little Debbies.
26:16You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans,
26:19but it wasn't for them.
26:22It was for me.
26:24I mean, they were my friends.
26:28Because I never really had any.
26:31Yes, you did.
26:32You had friends.
26:33You've always had friends.
26:34You have tons of friends.
26:35You know, I was popular.
26:39But I never had a best friend.
26:45Well, I mean, you know, my sister, you know,
26:49we know how that went.
26:51So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies,
26:54and it was as much for me as it was for them.
27:00But then I met you.
27:05And I didn't need them so much anymore.
27:08Well, it makes sense.
27:11I'm your number one fan.
27:15Hey!
27:16Oh, oh, oh.
27:17Oh!
27:17You've got 50 minutes left on your birthday.
27:19What do you want to do?
27:22Hmm.
27:24Oh!
27:29That's my new phone background.
27:30Ooh!
27:31Someone's smoking the Cheech.
27:33P.U.
27:34You're still here.
27:35Oh, yeah.
27:37I just fucked Jesse McCutney.
27:40What?
27:40Yeah!
27:41You cheated on Greg?
27:42Okay, you don't know our arrangement.
27:44Wow, okay.
27:45Are you open?
27:46No.
27:47Hey, you mind if I, uh, rinse off in your swimming pool?
27:50I don't want to get a UTI.
27:51Sure.
27:52Wonderful.
27:55Wow, a lot of salt and pepper shakers.
27:56You think you got enough?
27:59Sorry about that.
28:00Oh, here.
28:01Try this.
28:03What is it?
28:05It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter.
28:07I want to include a fat-free recipe in my newsletter tomorrow.
28:11Hmm.
28:11Because my little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get.
28:16Absolutely.
28:17I was going to say get out of my head because when he, when he took the old set.
28:20Is it the magic of a winner.
28:23Who was for?
28:24Is the magic of a paper.
28:24I don't think it's my fantasy.
28:24It's my gift.
28:24I can't take away my way.
28:26Katie's remains were never recovered from that creek.
28:29Atticus!
28:31Put your shoes on, honey.
28:32We're late.
28:32This episode of MURDER my stupid ass, please, is sponsored by Deb for MSG.
28:35Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition.
28:38Amanda.
28:47Oh, good. This is all for you.
28:49What?
28:52Oh, my God, they found my home address.
28:55Oh, my God, no. I don't want anything to do with this.
28:57Return to sender.
28:59Except the old lady.
29:01I got three other bands.
29:03I am being stuck and harassed.
29:05Return to sender, grassy ass.
29:08I am being stuck and harassed.
29:13We're lost in music.
29:16Hello?
29:19Who's there?
29:23There's kids!
29:33I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this.
29:37So hear me now.
29:39I am not a lizard.
29:41And I know that is something a lizard would say.
29:45However...
29:46That was really, really believable, though.
29:47Yeah? Thanks.
29:49Loved it.
29:49Hello?
29:50The harassment has got to stop.
29:53Still don't think it's a good idea.
29:55But I'm giving you a date at the garden.
29:58Oh, okay.
29:59Wow.
29:59That's fantastic.
30:00What?
30:01Yeah, great.
30:02Thanks, Amanda.
30:02We'll talk real soon.
30:07We're going to MSG.
30:08Yes!
30:10One!
30:11September 11th.
30:13Not 11.
30:13It was the only date available.
30:15Great!
30:16Bye!
30:16Ah!
30:17Here we go!
30:18Ow!
30:19That hurt!
30:19God, it's like high-fiving in the hole!
30:22Oh, my God!
30:22You're set!
30:27Look your heart and now you're gone
30:30Missed you the love I did you wrong
30:34I never thought I'd say today
30:38You'd get your cold and walk away
30:42Come back home
30:44Darling, please
30:46Come back home
30:50Girl, I know I treated you wrong
30:52But, baby, please
30:53Come back home
30:57I hope my baby knew I'd kill
31:00The pain within I made you feel
31:03Once was blind but now I see
31:08Girl, how much it means to me
31:11Oh, baby
31:12Come back home
31:14Darling, please
31:16Come back home
31:18Cause I can't stand it
31:21I just can't stand it
31:23Come back home
31:25Ooh, please
31:29Come back home
31:31Baby, please
31:33Oh, baby
31:35Baby, please
31:37Come back home
31:39Girl, I never treat you no more
31:43Please
31:44Please
31:45Come back home
31:46There we go
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