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01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan Carter.
01:08Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:34Teetering.
01:36OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Doors.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh, and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out, a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40It must be nice for them.
02:42There are allowed snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks, I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite mates, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Who's tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow.
02:59Human tongue.
03:00Human tongue.
03:00Is your favourite mate?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob.
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue, if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:17Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, bless you.
03:21Can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:29Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be his tongue, though.
03:42It's a magic trick.
03:43That can't be his tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé?
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops, yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You wanted a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:33She'll be all right.
04:34You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:37Bye.
04:38Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:42You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:47I could jump.
04:48Oh.
04:50Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no-one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:37Mel.
05:38Er, Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:40Mel.
05:41Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:44Mel.
05:45Mel.
05:45Melvis Presley.
05:46What the hell were you thinking?
05:48Mel Mel Mel.
05:48What the hell?
05:48Mel Mel Mel.
05:48You burped yourself out.
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go,
05:54that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry.
06:01It's all the flumps and everything and the crisps.
06:04Don't blame the flumps.
06:06It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp?
06:12Rookie error.
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.
06:17I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down.
06:21A yellow card for her and a suggestion.
06:24Maybe a bottle of gavis gone.
06:29While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn
06:32and then ate someone.
06:33I told them we weren't allowed it, so they've gone now.
06:37Got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards.
06:43Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go.
06:47Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:07You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12Mmm, he was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:17Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble was hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Topcat.
07:26Oh, man.
07:27How can you fancy the Popo?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the Popo.
07:36No, but technically, correct.
07:40It's a crop.
07:42Oh.
07:43Hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:44Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards,
07:57so you're going to go head-to-head in a special challenge.
08:00I know comedians hate showing off,
08:02so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns to say something impressive about yourself,
08:07so this is a chance to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys.
08:21OK.
08:23OK.
08:26Put it there.
08:28Say something impressive about me.
08:31I have good tenacity and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle in Guildford.
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:56I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross-country.
09:09I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:17I am good at swimming and I would actually even drop with a pass lane.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:40I've got a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.
09:45Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:49Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:53I have a very loud voice when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:58I can shout very loudly.
10:01I challenge you to a small mini-challenge within this challenge, which is a shout.
10:04A shout-off.
10:05You'd like me to shout?
10:06We both get to shout one thing at each other.
10:07OK, right.
10:09The challenge has got a spin-off.
10:11Who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there and we start every step toward each other shouting.
10:17OK, ready?
10:18One, two, three.
10:19Ah!
10:42What is this house?
10:45Peter and Morgan.
10:49It felt like you needed that, David.
10:51I think it helped a bit, although I think my voice may be different forever.
10:57Well, that was one of my favourite parts so far.
11:00I enjoyed looking into your screaming face.
11:03I can't believe we didn't get anyone on that.
11:05Yeah.
11:05I mean, there's a reason those two don't have yellows.
11:08Lovely work.
11:09I think the world will be surprised that it was David who had the loudest scream.
11:15You wouldn't have put much money on that.
11:17He's an animal.
11:19We didn't know.
11:24When I went to Mexico, I got Montezuma's Revenge, so I had...
11:30I OD'd on Imodium and basically had to have a C-section to do a shit.
11:37That's...
11:39That's full on.
11:40Yeah.
11:41That's bad.
11:42That's really bad.
11:43Yeah.
11:43Did you have a book in a diet and stuff?
11:45Yeah, yeah.
11:46And a gender reveal.
11:48Oh.
11:50Let's see.
11:51Yeah.
11:55Did they show it to you?
11:57Did you keep it?
12:01Were you proud?
12:04Was it like people say, don't they, about birth?
12:07They say, it's like...
12:08It's just emotional for me.
12:09It's emotional because that's actually my child.
12:12Oh, Alan.
12:13Alan.
12:14Alan.
12:15Oh, it's good.
12:16It's good.
12:18Just diary.
12:21It's got problems, hasn't it?
12:22It's weakening.
12:23No.
12:24No, it's just emotional for me because that's my child you're talking about.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Your poo child.
12:34You, um, you do a fair bit of acting, don't you?
12:37Mm.
12:37You do quite a lot of that.
12:38Mm.
12:39Um, I've got an audition.
12:42Oh, yeah.
12:43Next week.
12:43But I find them really scary.
12:45Do you?
12:45Yeah.
12:46Unnerving.
12:47I've got the lap.
12:48Do you want to run, would you run through it with me?
12:50Yeah.
12:50Is that OK?
12:50Absolutely.
12:51A little look.
12:57You're Jack, if that's OK.
12:58Interior, quiet rural cafe.
13:00Jack, a handsome British man in mid-20s, is working behind the counter.
13:04Enter Hannah, an American businesswoman in her early 30s.
13:07Hi, what can I get you?
13:09Oh, I'm still deciding.
13:11Hold on a second.
13:12That's really good.
13:13Is that good?
13:14Yeah.
13:14Her phone rings and she takes it out her bag.
13:17She takes a deep breath and answers calmly.
13:19Look, Steve, now ain't a good time.
13:22You know how important this case is to me, and I can't think about us right now.
13:28She pauses to hear Steve's reply.
13:30She nods understandingly.
13:34You might want to work on that nod a bit.
13:36The nod?
13:37Yeah.
13:39She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack, who has already prepared her coffee.
13:44Got you an Americano, because I think I detected an accent.
13:48Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself.
13:51Oh!
13:54Not a laugh.
13:55I think that's risky business.
13:58I think you've got it in the bag.
13:59You reckon?
14:00I've got nothing to worry about.
14:01The only thing, I'd say that nod was a bit big.
14:03What would you go for?
14:07Yeah, that's it.
14:08Your accent's amazing.
14:10Cheers, Dave.
14:13These are serious players.
14:15I think we need another joker.
14:17I'm out.
14:18I'm out.
14:19Here we go.
14:23Hello, last one laughing.
14:25Romesh, could you go and play your joker, please?
14:27Sure thing.
14:28Bye-bye.
14:29Has the booze arrived?
14:30No.
14:32What?
14:33What?
14:34What did they say?
14:35You can't just keep it to yourself.
14:37This is the most deadpan group of people.
14:39I can't believe they're all still in there.
14:41They're not breaking.
14:42OK, we're going to have to get strict now.
14:44That's good.
14:47Oh, straight in there.
14:49Okey-dokey.
14:50Hello.
14:51Just to start off, I'm going to give you these, but could you not open them?
14:54Yeah, please.
15:02Let's go, Romesh.
15:04Oh, exciting.
15:06So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say,
15:09a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership of some of the hardest things I've had to deal with.
15:14Whether it's my bonky eye, how much I depend on my mum for a career,
15:18or even how long I remained a virgin.
15:23I've had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye.
15:28Online, one person actually said,
15:30if he had two straight eyes, he'd be driving a taxi.
15:34But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies
15:37every time I mention my weaknesses in a room of people.
15:40It gets laughs, sure, but it still hurts.
15:43So, given you guys can't laugh,
15:45I thought I would detail some of the things that I found the hardest.
15:48Here are some examples of the things I've got called.
15:51Gauzy-eyed, croc-eyed, gammy-eyed, shitty-eyed, eyed-eyed.
15:57And this is probably the worst one.
16:01Cookie monster.
16:04Oh!
16:19Things then quietened down,
16:21and I learned to make those jokes first.
16:23But I wasn't ready for what happened in 2007.
16:26Tony Blair stood down,
16:28and this man became Prime Minister.
16:34Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?
16:38Gordon.
16:39It was Gordon Very, Very Brown.
16:46LAUGHTER
16:49I hope that the status of becoming a teacher would change things.
16:52Some kids called me Mr Rajabaga Bing Bong,
16:56which I thought was racist,
16:58but the head said all the vowels made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan.
17:04Fucking hell!
17:06A career in the public eye came next,
17:08and via the horror of social media,
17:11I found myself in the eye of the storm
17:13as TV appearances held another volley of horrible comments.
17:17Cameraman's nightmare.
17:18He needs his mum there for directions.
17:21His eyes are on more channels than he is.
17:25Not only that,
17:26but people made unflattering racial comparisons to other comedians.
17:30Jack Deepak.
17:33Ricky Gervaisian.
17:35Or the worst, David Budbadil.
17:40My therapist says,
17:41the final stage of my healing is to allow you to say those things.
17:45So when I point at you,
17:46what I'd like you to do is open your envelope,
17:48take it in,
17:49and then I would like you to say the insult to my face.
17:54Start with you, please.
18:03Even he can't see things from his own perspective.
18:16He'd need the death star to give him laser eye surgery.
18:30He's got the worst eye since ISIS.
18:43He got jizz in that eye
18:44from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV.
18:50Maisie, straight in.
18:51Not even a bit of a mercy.
18:53Nothing to Maisie.
19:07His wife's eyes must be more fucked than his.
19:16And finally.
19:34His eye looks...
19:39His eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer.
19:42Yeah.
19:52Thank you so much for taking the time to sort of share that.
19:54And I certainly found it useful.
19:56And I hope you did too.
19:57Thank you very much, guys.
19:58I appreciate it.
20:00I'll see you next time.
20:00Oh, yeah.
20:06Brave.
20:07Very brave.
20:07That was brave.
20:08Brave.
20:08Very brave.
20:09I felt bad for Romesh.
20:10And I've had that myself.
20:11You know, people have said horrible things about me, you know.
20:14That my smile's like a bombed out village and stuff like that.
20:17And someone said if I grew a moustache, it'd look like Stonehenge.
20:20had a thatched roof what was yours again Alan can't remember now let's have it
20:30again yeah it's my favorite once more with feeling you can really picture the
20:36grape can't you bubbling around I it makes me feel no but no but that will
20:43help that will help you from it his eyes looks like that's a laugh it's a weird
21:01noise but it was a laugh yep what uh-oh what doors oh
21:12God I think it might be me guys we have had a laugh
21:22please his eyes looks like you're the first one out
21:43oh yeah yeah you are baby you have to come and watch with me but you don't have to go
21:48on your own
21:51have a look we've had another laugh
21:56let's have it again you can really picture the grape can't you
22:04oh we're being incredibly strict now and you lot pushed me to do that had to happen Alan
22:12okay that's one for you Bermie one for you Alan you'll come with me come on
22:19I didn't get the first red card it was a joint first red card and technically Alan Carr alphabetically
22:27is higher up so first but like second to Alan
22:32Bermie gets the first red card she's out first first red to Bermie oh and Alan's out as well but
22:39Bermie first please come in take a seat you are free to laugh ah how did you find it in
22:47there I couldn't control my face there's so many funny people your your facial expressions it was only a matter
22:52of time you know what my face I knew I'd be the first or second out or whatever
22:56I thought I'd last longer I mean I lasted long actually it's just everyone else is so good
23:03right team things are gonna get really freaking tense they haven't restarted have they
23:11yeah get it out
23:17okay should we restart yes yeah let's go I thought I thought oh geez oh this is this is thick
23:24and fast I'm not ready for this
23:27I might just get on the phone for some more booze lager please
23:35have you been to a hen party David only professionally obviously professionally you know have you what you've been booked
23:42for booked for a hen do
23:44yeah when I was younger and more as a stripper no as a sort of you know a waiter just
23:51in a thong
23:51no I can believe that you would be a stripper I can't believe that you would wait on someone
23:58it's difficult to take that as a compliment
24:02so nice to laugh
24:06okay it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings isn't it
24:08no
24:09all right
24:12David
24:16oh
24:16Oh, oh, oh.
24:37Wow, this should be fun.
24:41Doors.
24:43I see you've all met my chiropodist.
24:46Please, take a seat up here.
24:48We have a singing challenge now.
24:50Now I would be out. Yeah, we'd be out now.
24:51I don't feel so bad now.
24:53Okay, it's actually fairly easy.
24:54All you've got to do is sing this.
25:03You bastard. Okay, just sing that when I point to you.
25:06Amy.
25:19David.
25:32Dan.
25:43Ramesh.
25:55Mel's got to go. Surely.
25:58Mel.
26:11So.
26:18Bob.
26:19Ooh.
26:20Ooh.
26:23Ooh.
26:26Maisie's gone.
26:28Come on.
26:29She's crying.
26:31Maisie.
26:43It's a very, very...
26:44It was very strong.
26:45It's a very moving piece of music.
26:47Roshin could you hit the red button for me yes Jimmy yeah it was it I think you
27:01know who it was okay let's have a look at the replay Bob
27:06oh I think you were laughing a bit yeah just a little bit so Maisie it's a red card
27:30for you sorry Maisie we've also had a smile take a look oh we are being strict at this stage
27:51of the
27:51game so I've got to give you a red card okay well it's a smile or laugh that's the game
27:59yeah I mean
28:00of course I came across such a narc then Mel sometimes it's nice to hold a glass rather
28:05than suck it to your face I sucked it so hard I couldn't actually get it off then
28:12she sucked it so hard she couldn't get it off
28:20and that is how you get ahead in show business
28:23I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip I thought I'd got away with it
28:28then just when you think you're safe the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns and it's all over
28:36so that's red cards for Amy and Maisie four down six to go who will be the next to crack
28:43here we are look at it that was a tough one I went so red I thought it was I
28:47thought I was
28:48going to pass out you're not meant to repress it no it's unnatural I knew I was out when I
28:52started
28:52to see stars all right let's restart the game yeah can you give me three favorite things and I'll
29:06judge them three favorite what do you like cheese well here's the thing I don't really eat cheese but
29:12I can I can do it off memory if you like there was a time when you had all cheeses
29:16yeah your third
29:18cheese smoked cheddar sorry at number two Wensleydale sorry rom and at number one for you danish blue
29:41you love that one yeah what great cheese it is a great cheese sorry to interrupt chaps
29:50something just something from the buffet sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice I'll not
29:55take anything thank you something from the buffet cracker on a guac cracker moly as we're calling it
30:00yeah combo the two or a nice little tomato I'm fine with a mozzarella looking underneath do you like
30:06your mozzarella Bob or a cucumber Bob I'm gonna just bring into the guacamole dippy dippy dips in the
30:15guacca's Bob's so close a lot of people didn't look to be on the offensive Mel for example as soon
30:25as
30:25she saw somebody had a problem she was in because she could smell a weakness I miss the guys I
30:32love
30:32those gals and Al everyone I really liked in this has now gone out
30:43hello last one laughing oh hi rubbish could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker no problem thank
30:48you Bob could you prepare your joker please oh hello sailor right now it's belt and braces time I fear
30:57this could be a problem for people oh Christ this could be the end for some of us let's clench
31:04up
31:04because this is going to be a very very rough and difficult ride oh my god ladies and gentlemen
31:12please welcome on stage shit we are intimacy coordinators yeah you're a stout lad you're about
31:26to see a show hairier oh wow the stakes are high a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic is
31:35the
31:35card red or yellow oh my god this is so tense nice and simple would you consider yourself a pervert
32:31a guy that's coming to you
32:33that's a show that's going to be a good time okay so I'm sure I can get a good time
32:35on stage
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