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The Beverly Hillbillies (season 1) s01e05-jed-buys-stock-downsv
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00:00Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed.
00:03A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed.
00:06And then one day he was shooting at some food.
00:09And up through the ground come a bubble and crude.
00:12Oil, that is.
00:13Black gold.
00:15Texas tea.
00:17Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire.
00:20The kinfolk said, Jed, move away from there.
00:23Said, California is the place you ought to be.
00:25So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly.
00:28Beverly Hills, that is.
00:30Swimming pools, movie stars.
00:33The Beverly Hillbillies.
00:53Now come along and visit with the Clampett family.
00:57As they learn the simple pleasures of the hills of Beverly.
01:01That includes the products of your sponsor of the week.
01:05The cereals of Kellogg's.
01:07Kellogg's of Battle Creek.
01:09K-E-double-L.
01:10O-double-good.
01:11Kellogg's.
01:11Best to you.
01:25All right, now, Jethro.
01:27Tell us exactly what happened with Ms. Drysdale.
01:30Well, I come around the side of the house
01:32and I see this here lady fighting with a furry-looking varmint.
01:36Turned out it was Ms. Drysdale.
01:37No, Uncle Jed.
01:39It was a fox.
01:41Lady was Ms. Drysdale.
01:43Oh.
01:43Oh, yeah.
01:44So, I grabs up the shotgun
01:46and I says,
01:47Step aside, lady,
01:48and I'll shoot it.
01:49Well, instead of that,
01:51she whipped around
01:52and throwed that thing in the air.
01:54Well, I shot it on the fly.
01:55With both barrels.
01:57Well, blew my wife's fox fur to shreds.
02:00I wonder if she fainted dead away.
02:02I caught her just in time.
02:04The chauffeur had to help me get her into the car.
02:06She was out like a light.
02:07She was stooed to the gilder.
02:10You said it took two men to get her back in the car.
02:13You know, Jethro,
02:15could be that there fox was Ms. Drysdale's pet.
02:18Why in tarnation would she want a sneaky old fox for a pet?
02:21Because them kind of people are liable to do anything.
02:24What kind of people?
02:27Ask your pa.
02:29Well, I reckon I can't protect you
02:31from the ugly side of life forever.
02:33You see, Ms. Drysdale is what city folks calls a...
02:37What was her husband called, a granny?
02:40A hypochondriac.
02:43Yeah.
02:43That means she drinks a little.
02:45A little?
02:46Her own husband said her bedroom was full of bottles.
02:56The doctor says she'll sleep for several hours.
02:58He gave her a sedative.
03:00What about Claude?
03:01Oh, she insisted that he have a sedative too.
03:08Poor dog.
03:08He's probably the first canine hypochondriac.
03:11Let's be thankful for one thing, Mr. Drysdale.
03:14What's that?
03:18The tree outside the window.
03:20It completely obscures her view of the Clampet estate.
03:23Yes, and if that tree should ever lose its leaves
03:26and she gets one look at those hillbillies...
03:28It shall not happen.
03:29The Clampets have agreed to accompany me to Palm Springs.
03:31Fine, fine.
03:32Now, you keep them there until I get Market back to Boston.
03:34Can do and...
03:36will do.
03:40Maybe it's for the best that you know about that poor woman next door, Ellie.
03:43I can pitch in and help us get her cured.
03:45Yep.
03:45I'll need you to help find the makings from a sobering upmash.
03:49That's what I'll give her first.
03:50But Miss Jane said she was taking us to Palm Springs.
03:54Folks don't run off and leave the neighbors when he's in trouble.
03:57What are all you going to need for your sobering upmash, Granny?
03:59Well, most of the stuff I got.
04:02But it takes a...
04:12Oh, and the biggest toad you can find.
04:30Granny, you use a live toad?
04:33That's just for testing.
04:34I give it a swallow to see how far it jumps.
04:37Last time Granny used a sobering upmash, set a new record.
04:40Clean over the top of Elverney Bradshaw's clothesline.
04:44That's tall jumping for a toad.
04:46Oh, this wasn't no toad.
04:48This was Elverney's husband, Homer.
04:50It was him, Granny, was sobering up.
04:53Welly, if you're going out into brush hunting stuff for Granny, you'd best put on some old clothes.
04:58Okay, Pop.
04:59Well, let's get a going.
05:07Oh, I perp near forgot.
05:10I have to have some goat's milk.
05:12After Mrs. Drysdale takes my sobering upmash,
05:15she has to have fresh goat's milk every half hour to stop the burning.
05:20Well, I reckon you can borrow some.
05:22Well, to do a neighborhood like this, folks, is bound to keep goats.
05:26Everybody except us.
05:27We ain't even got a cow.
05:29No pegs neither.
05:30You're chickens.
05:31We ain't even got nothing to pull a plow.
05:33You're supposed to be so dad blame rich.
05:36I'll bet we're the only family in Beverly Hills that ain't got a mule.
05:40I reckon it is high time I was stocking this place.
05:43Even Mr. Drysdale's been after me to buy some cattle.
05:47Well, good for him.
05:48Yeah, just the other day he says to me, he says, uh...
05:50Mr. Clampett, you've got $25 million in cash.
05:54You ought to put some of that money into stock.
06:03Well, we better get busy now if we're going to find...
06:09There goes that music again.
06:11This room?
06:12Did you ever find out where that's coming from?
06:15No, sir, I didn't.
06:16Every time I went to looking for it, somebody always come to the door.
06:22This time I'm going to find it for sure.
06:25Yeah, good hunting.
06:26Me and Granny will be figuring out what stock to buy.
06:50Doggone it, never fail.
06:56Party, Miss Hathaway.
06:57Oh, please stop calling me Miss Hathaway.
06:59Now, if I can call you by your first name, Jethro, surely you can do the same for me.
07:04But, uh...
07:05Please?
07:06Well, uh, howdy, Miss Jethro.
07:09How about calling me Jane?
07:11I like that better.
07:14Well, are we all set to leave for Palm Springs?
07:16No, ma'am.
07:17Uncle Jed and me's going to town and buy some stock.
07:20Stock?
07:21Yes, ma'am.
07:21Mr. Drysdale, he told Uncle Jed he ought to put some of his money into stock.
07:26He dictated a memo on that.
07:28But you needn't waste time driving into town.
07:30You can order your stock by telephone.
07:32Now, here are Mr. Drysdale's recommendations.
07:34He doesn't want your Uncle Jed to get a bum steer.
07:37Oh, Uncle Jed, he wouldn't buy no bum steer.
07:40Patiently cautious in the bull market.
07:42You've got to be careful with cows, too.
07:45Jethro, you have the most delightfully bucolic sense of humor.
07:49Now then, would you like to ride to Palm Springs with me, or would you prefer to drive and meet
07:53me there?
07:55Jethro?
07:55Oh, yes, ma'am.
07:56Would you like to drive your own car?
07:58Oh, yes, ma'am.
07:59I like to drive.
07:59Very well.
08:00I have typed out explicit directions.
08:02I've even drawn a map showing the exact location of the hotel.
08:05They have a lovely pool, and...
08:08Jethro?
08:09Oh, yes, ma'am?
08:11I'm taking a bikini to Palm Springs.
08:13Is that faster than a train?
08:16Oh, Jethro, you dear, naive boy.
08:19You shall see when we go swimming.
08:22New Tarzan.
08:24Me, Jane.
08:25No, ma'am.
08:26I'm Jethro Bodine.
08:29I almost hate to see you change.
08:31I ain't gonna change.
08:33Oh, yes, you will.
08:35Under my tutelage, you will become an educated man of letters.
08:38Someday, I shall introduce you as Jethro Bodine.
08:43B.A.
08:44M.A.
08:46Ph.D.
08:57Awful smart woman, but that ain't the way you spell Bodine.
09:03All I know is, this is the kind of stock Mr. Drysdale thinks is good.
09:11What does that say?
09:13I-B-M.
09:15What's that spell?
09:17I-B-M.
09:19What's a I-B-M?
09:20I don't know.
09:22Next, it's got, uh, us's.
09:25Us's?
09:26Well, that's what's wrote there.
09:28U-S-S.
09:29So, it makes sense.
09:31Maybe it ain't Mr. Drysdale's fault.
09:35Just between you and me, that Miss Hathaway can't spell for sour great.
09:39I don't need this list, no how.
09:42Me and Granny's already figured out what we want.
09:45That's right.
09:46A pair of goats, three pigs, four cows, a bull, a mule, and a dozen chicken.
09:52You reckon we can get all that on the truck?
09:54Don't have to.
09:56Miss Hathaway says just call on the telephone and they bring them out.
10:00Oh, now, ain't that nice.
10:04Hello?
10:05Jed, I watched that banker feller.
10:08You have to stick your finger in them holes and spin her a while.
10:13All right.
10:20I reckon that ought to do it.
10:23Operator.
10:24Oh, howdy, ma'am.
10:25This here is Jed Clampett.
10:27I'd like to buy some stock.
10:28What number do you wish?
10:30Number?
10:31Oh, uh, a couple of goats, three pigs, four cows, a bull, a mule, and a dozen chicken.
10:38I'll give you information.
10:40Well, thank you, ma'am.
10:41I appreciate all the information you can give me.
10:44First time I ever bought stock on the telephone.
10:46Perhaps I'd better connect you with a supervisor.
10:49Two heads is better than one.
10:51Supervisor speaking.
10:52May I help you?
10:53Well, thank you, ma'am.
10:54This here is Jed Clampett.
10:56I'd like to buy some stock.
10:57Do you know the number you wish to reach?
11:00Well, that's more or less up to the animals.
11:02But the number I want to start with is a couple of goats, three pigs, four cows, a bull, a
11:07mule, and a dozen chicken.
11:15There sure is a dandy pin, Jethro.
11:17As soon as Ellie gets back from the Drysdale, she can milk this here goat.
11:32Mr. Drysdale sure has got a nice house, ain't he, Granny?
11:35Yep.
11:37Nice house, nice car, nice job.
11:41But the evil of drinking sure laid a heavy hand on its heart.
11:45Never forget, Ellie.
11:47Drinking is a curse.
11:49You take a drink now and then, Granny.
11:51Uh-uh.
11:52Never more than a thimbleful.
11:59Oh, Ellie.
12:00You might have to hold Mrs. Drysdale while I spoon my sobering up lash down her.
12:05I'll throw a double scissors and an arm lock on her.
12:08Just so you don't cut off her wind because she can't breathe.
12:11Yes.
12:12Howdy.
12:13We've come to see Mrs. Drysdale.
12:15I'm sorry, madam, but Mrs. Drysdale cannot be disturbed.
12:19Are you her kin?
12:21I'm a butler.
12:22Oh, that must have been her maiden name.
12:25You weren't taking care of her, are you?
12:27I am a butler, madam.
12:29Well, I'm glad to see that her family ain't ashamed to help her.
12:33Who shall I say called?
12:35Well, this here's Granny and I'm Ellie May.
12:38Paul and Jethro would have come too, but they're busy with the cattle.
12:42Very good.
12:42Hold on now.
12:44Well, we've come to see Mrs. Drysdale.
12:46Mrs. Drysdale is indisposed, madam.
12:49She is not receiving.
12:51Oh, still sleeping it off, huh?
12:54Well, when she comes too, you just spoon half of this downer and then stand back.
12:59Yes, she'll commence to doing some tall jumping.
13:02Don't bite you.
13:03We'll be back later with the goat's milk.
13:05Want me to stay and help you do for Mrs. Drysdale?
13:08We are managing, thank you.
13:09Are you doing the washing and the cleaning and the cooking first?
13:11Certainly not.
13:13Oh, just letting it pile up on her, huh?
13:16I am a butler.
13:22Oh.
13:23Want me to haul him out of there, Randy, and wrestle him down?
13:28Him folks have certain rights.
13:30Family comes first.
13:32He sure is proud of that family name, ain't he?
13:35You hear him talk, the butlers don't get wet when it rains.
13:42Did you say something, dear?
13:46Well, speak up, dear.
13:49Did I get you something?
13:51Come in.
13:53I beg your pardon, sir.
13:55The butler said some people from a ranch brought this for, madame.
13:58From a ranch?
13:59Well, he said they mentioned cattle.
14:01They called themselves Granny and Ellie Mae.
14:04The Clampetts.
14:04They haven't gone to Palm Springs.
14:06Get him in through that gate.
14:08That's the way.
14:08Suey, Suey, Suey.
14:10Suey.
14:10Pick, pick, pick.
14:11Get in there.
14:12Ah, get in there, pig.
14:14Get in there, pig.
14:15Come on.
14:16Pick, pick, pick.
14:17That's the way.
14:18Suey.
14:18Oh, no, surely not.
14:20Marie, tell me I'm hearing things.
14:22You're hearing things, sir.
14:24Cows, chickens, pigs, goats.
14:26No, no.
14:32Anything I can do, sir?
14:35Pray, Marie.
14:36Pray.
14:44Hold your horses, I'm a-coming.
14:48Oh, hi, Mr. Drysdale.
14:50Did your wife take a-
14:50Telly, Marie?
14:52Where's your father?
14:53He's tending the cattle.
14:55He brought cattle into this beautiful estate?
14:58No, he called on the telephone
15:00and some men brought them in a truck.
15:02Yes, sir.
15:03I'm just fixing to go milk the goats.
15:05Come on out the stock pen.
15:08Stock pen?
15:19Yes, sir, Mr. Drysdale.
15:21I finally took your advice
15:22and put some of my money in stock.
15:25Is that good, milk, Ellie?
15:26Just fine, Pop.
15:28Sure is a dandy pen, Mr. Drysdale.
15:30Yeah, good stock fence around the outside.
15:33Of course, that one across the middle
15:34ain't too much.
15:38Bulls already jumped it twice
15:40and ain't even mating season.
15:51Got to sell some mighty fine-looking stock.
15:54Of course, they need a little fattening up.
15:57Mr. Drysdale happy to see him?
15:58Granny, he was so happy he couldn't talk.
16:02He just kind of hung on a fence
16:05and made little gurgling noises in his throat.
16:08Well, that poor man has some joy coming to him.
16:11I'm glad to be able to help him
16:14to forgive his trouble for a spell.
16:16Here's the goat's milk, Granny.
16:17Oh, good, Ellie.
16:18Now, you run that right over to Mr. Drysdale.
16:20That sobering up mash marks considerable
16:23unless you follow it up with fresh goat's milk.
16:25Ellie, Mr. Drysdale ever find his tongue?
16:28Yeah, Pa.
16:29Whilst I was milking the goat,
16:30I heard him kind of mumbling
16:32like he was giving thanks.
16:34He says,
16:35Oh, what have I done to deserve this?
16:38Lord love him.
16:39Ain't that tentative?
16:41Hurry, child.
16:42Now, hurry.
16:43You know, Granny,
16:45it gives a person a mighty good feeling
16:48to help the neighbor.
16:49You betcha.
16:50And he needs us
16:52because his wife's kin ain't no help.
16:54Who's that?
16:55That high and mighty Mr. Butler.
16:57That's when the neighbor came to the door
16:59when Ellie and me took the mash over.
17:01Wouldn't let us see Mr. Drysdale.
17:03Well, now, you can't hardly blame him
17:04for not wanting folks to see him.
17:06Uncle Jed,
17:07the bull jumped that little fence again,
17:08so I tied him back over on his side.
17:11Where's Mr. Drysdale?
17:12I asked him to come in for some coffee.
17:14It was the funniest thing
17:15what happened to him.
17:16You know how he was
17:17hanging on the fence of the stock pen?
17:19Kind of gurgling and mumbling
17:21and happy-like?
17:23Well, all of a sudden,
17:25he points up towards his house
17:27and says,
17:27My wife, that's her window.
17:29Then he goes tearing off into the bushes
17:31like a bear was after him.
17:33She took some mash
17:34and he seen her jumping.
17:36Why, Carol,
17:37he's gonna get there
17:38with the goat's milk
17:39just in time.
17:44Oh, Sonny.
17:46Sonny,
17:47your mumsy just had
17:49the most ghastly dream.
17:52I was going to see
17:54our new neighbor's the Clampetts
17:55and suddenly this dreadful giant
17:58appeared with a huge gun
18:00and shot my beautiful fox first.
18:03Wasn't that the most dreadful one?
18:07Claude,
18:08what are you eating?
18:13Did Ravenswood
18:14bring my darling boy
18:16some nice feces scrubs?
18:21Claude.
18:24Claude!
18:27Marie!
18:28Marie, come and get Claude!
18:30What's the matter here?
18:31Claude,
18:32he's having a seizure or something.
18:34Is something wrong?
18:35Yes, Marie.
18:36Open the window.
18:37Yes, let's have some fresh air.
18:39No, no, no, no.
18:39Take Claude to the doctor.
18:40I'll get the window.
18:46Well, darling,
18:47how do you feel?
18:48Dreadful.
18:49My nerves are shattered.
18:51Open the window, dear.
18:52Well, it might not be good
18:54for you, Margaret.
18:55Oh, don't be silly,
18:56Milburn.
18:56I need oxygen.
18:57Besides, I adore the fragrance
18:59of that jasmine
19:01that grows on the fence
19:02of that tennis court next door.
19:06Now, open the window.
19:07All right, dear,
19:08but first I have a surprise.
19:10Surprise?
19:14Don't move.
19:15I'll be right back.
19:18Granny, Granny,
19:19that third butler fellow
19:20wouldn't let me
19:21through that door again.
19:22And he wouldn't take
19:23this milk, neither.
19:25Why not?
19:26He said he wouldn't touch
19:27nothing more from us
19:28without it was sterilized.
19:30What's sterilized?
19:31Oh, we had that
19:33in school once.
19:34That means
19:35soaked in alcohol.
19:37Alcohol?
19:37Beehaw.
19:39It appears to me
19:40like Mr. Drysdale
19:41has got two drinkers
19:42on his hands.
19:43Mrs. Drysdale
19:44must be in terrible shape.
19:46Fighting mean.
19:47Scratching and clawing
19:48people and everything.
19:49How do you know?
19:50I hear her yelling
19:51and screaming
19:51clean from upstairs.
19:53She says,
19:54Marie, Marie,
19:55come and get clawed.
19:56Sure enough,
19:57pretty soon,
19:58this poor girl
19:59come a-running down
19:59yelling.
20:00Take me to the doctor.
20:02I got clawed.
20:05Family or no family,
20:06that woman needs help
20:07and by thunder,
20:08she's going to get it.
20:17Surprise!
20:18Surprise!
20:19Melbourne,
20:19have you taken leave
20:20of your senses?
20:21You know I'm much
20:22too nervous
20:23to watch television.
20:24But darling,
20:25the doctors in Boston
20:26said your nerves
20:27were just fine.
20:28Those Boston doctors,
20:30they had the audacity
20:31to tell me
20:31that I was perfectly healthy.
20:33I said,
20:33I'm not paying you
20:34all that money
20:35to tell me I'm healthy.
20:37Melbourne,
20:38I do not want
20:39to watch television.
20:40Well,
20:41you don't have
20:41to watch it here.
20:41Just listen.
20:42There's an exciting
20:43Western on.
20:44Western?
20:45Melbourne,
20:46shut that off
20:46and open the window.
20:48I will-
20:49Oh,
20:49there we are.
20:54Melbourne,
20:56are you going
20:57to open the window
20:57or am I?
20:58I am, dear.
21:10there you see?
21:11There's the cattlemen
21:11and the sheepmen
21:12fighting it out.
21:14Well,
21:14if you won't
21:15turn it off,
21:15I will.
21:16Oh, dear,
21:17I do admit
21:18that's a very old plot,
21:19but I'm sure
21:20we can get
21:20something better.
21:27That medical program,
21:28go back to that.
21:29Well,
21:29don't you think
21:29that's a bit depressing?
21:31I want the medical program.
21:33All right.
21:40I still hear the cattle
21:41and the goats.
21:43Yes,
21:43you see,
21:44you see,
21:44this is the latest
21:46thing in television program.
21:47A medical Western.
21:49A medical Western?
21:50Yes,
21:50yes,
21:50I think it's called
21:52Sagebrush Surgeon.
21:54That's the window
21:54he pointed to
21:55right there.
21:56I've got to get
21:57some fresh goat's milk
21:58up to that woman
21:59somewhere.
22:02I could chinny up
22:03the tree
22:04and climb right
22:04out in that window.
22:05Oh,
22:05Jethro,
22:06it ain't fitting
22:07for a man
22:07to be in a woman's bedroom.
22:08How about me?
22:10No,
22:10Ellie,
22:11you're too young
22:11to handle somebody
22:12a-wrestling in the grip
22:13of old John Barleycorn.
22:16I've got to get up there
22:17and have a goat handy
22:18to milk every so often.
22:19I think I got it
22:20figured out,
22:21Granny.
22:21Huh?
22:22I'll get a rope,
22:23throw it over that limb,
22:24hoist you up
22:25to the winter.
22:26Jethro,
22:27you get that Mr. Butler
22:28away from the front door.
22:29And then,
22:29Ellie,
22:30you take the nanny goat,
22:32lead it upstairs
22:33to her room
22:33for Granny.
22:34All right,
22:35Paul,
22:36but that little girl
22:36ain't gonna do nothing
22:37unless he's got that
22:38little chicken sitting
22:38on his back.
22:39That's all right.
22:40Raw egg ain't gonna do
22:42Miss Drydale a bit of harm.
22:45Miss Drydale's
22:46just a little girl
22:46with her hair.
22:49That's all right,
22:50Miss Drydale
22:59doesn't
22:59hear you say no
22:59They're not going to come
23:00but that little girl
23:07doesn't
23:07matter if she's got that
23:08hip-hop
23:12for some
23:13your heart.
23:14Ha ha ha ha!
23:50Margaret, what are you doing?
23:51Packing. I'm leaving immediately.
23:53Oh, don't leave me. I love you.
23:55I love you too, Milburn.
23:57Why don't you come to Boston with me?
23:59You haven't seen Sonny for a long time.
24:01I don't understand.
24:02Why have you suddenly decided to go back to Boston?
24:04To see those doctors.
24:06Let them dare to tell me now I don't have a nervous condition.
24:09I'm even having hallucinations.
24:11It's wonderful.
24:12Hallucinations?
24:13I just saw a witch fly by that window.
24:15And there's a goat in the bathtub with a chicken riding on its back.
24:19Oh, you couldn't see them, dear.
24:21Only someone with my shattered nervous system.
24:25There goes the witch again.
24:27Oh, Milburn, I'm the happiest woman in the world.
24:30It's marvelous.
24:31Wait until those doctors hear this.
24:34Can't get in the attic and she won't open the window.
24:36Heist me up again.
24:41Here, Milburn.
24:42Let's have a vitamin toast to my coming triumph.
25:03It's too late, Jed.
25:04What do you mean, Granny?
25:05We didn't get to her in time.
25:06Now she's got her husband on the stuff.
25:28Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin.
25:31And they would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in.
25:35We're all invited back next week to this locality
25:38To have a heaping helping of their hospitality.
25:42Hillbilly, that is.
25:44Set a spell.
25:46Take your shoes off.
25:47You all come back now.
25:48Here.
25:50This has been a Filmways presentation.
25:52This has been a Filmways presentation.
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