- 2 days ago
The Young Offenders S05E05 (2026)
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00:03You hear a lot of mams going on about how being a mom is like a real job.
00:06But how hard is it really?
00:10Ok there's the pregnancy bit.
00:13Tony!
00:14And then there's the birth.
00:16But that's just popping it out.
00:18And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there.
00:22And after all that you have a baby.
00:24And you get months off work where you get free money for doing absolutely nothing.
00:27Oh Jesus Christ he's eating my nipples red raw.
00:30You could try bottle feeding him?
00:32Oh yeah and have everyone tell me I hate my baby.
00:35No thanks.
00:35The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam really.
00:37Bottle you.
00:39Oh Christ's sake.
00:41Who's taking the past?
00:43What are we going to do?
00:44There's nothing to be afraid of ok?
00:46I'm just going to tell her to calm down.
00:48No no no no.
00:49You want to be killed.
00:50You can't tell a woman to calm down.
00:52How's she going to auto relax then?
00:55It'll be over soon.
00:56Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up.
00:59It won't last forever.
01:00A mam's mam?
01:01I thought she was dead.
01:02No she's not dead.
01:03She just left Maraid when she was a little girl.
01:06Starts a new family.
01:08Who put water in the parcel?
01:11Hi Maraid.
01:12Hey Maraid.
01:13Conrad Jack.
01:14I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment.
01:18Yeah and you're probably mad about that tough time.
01:22Yeah.
01:23But you think it would help a little if you just, if you just calmed the fuck down?
01:35They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage.
01:38But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers.
01:42But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger.
01:45It wouldn't look good driving if it hit you in the face.
01:48I can't.
01:51Why?
01:52They have to fail a certain percentage boy.
01:54Everybody knows that.
01:55It's just like a statistic thing boy.
01:57No it's fine.
01:57No it's fine.
01:58You know I just want to go to bed.
01:59I can't.
01:59We don't even need a driver's license to drive.
02:02I know.
02:04But I got it anyway.
02:06Shut up boy.
02:06I got it.
02:07Are you joking me boys boy?
02:09Jesus Christ.
02:10That's like Killian Murphy with your acting boy.
02:12That was my Oscar like.
02:13Then you get a bit shy around you know.
02:16You're like the Taoiseach or something boy.
02:17Michael the Higgins.
02:17Jesus Christ.
02:18The King of Ireland.
02:19Boy we can get drive thru's now.
02:21Drive thru's now.
02:23Drive thru's now.
02:23Drive thru's now.
02:24Drive thru's now.
02:24Drive thru's now.
02:24Drive thru's now.
02:24Drive thru's now.
02:25Holy shit car boy.
02:28You work when they got around.
02:31You deserve my kid.
02:34Very classy.
02:35Here get your manky hands off them.
02:36They're not for ye.
02:37Yes they are.
02:38It's my party.
02:39How is it your party?
02:40It's my party because we passed the driving test.
02:42We.
02:43Both of you did did ya?
02:45Well like I was sitting on the seat with the wheel but he was in my head so it was
02:48like
02:48it was a giant effort like.
02:49Exactly yeah.
02:50A rising tide lifts all the boats my head.
02:52What are you on about?
02:53He's talking about tides.
02:55Boats.
02:55Rising tides.
02:56When jock rises we all rise.
02:58Yeah.
02:58Alright well look.
02:59Who's this party for so if it's not for your award winning son?
03:02Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award winning.
03:05It is for you boy.
03:07And besides it's Bridget's birthday.
03:09Oh Bridget as in.
03:10Bridget.
03:11Bridget as in your mime Bridget.
03:12I thought you hated your mime.
03:14I do.
03:14She's a self centred witch.
03:16She's a witch?
03:18Every time I look in the mirror I see half of her and I hate her so much I hate
03:21half myself.
03:23But if she wants the best party ever that's what we're gonna throw her.
03:26So you hate this woman so much that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:30entire life?
03:31I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say.
03:34We've had parties before like it's not that hard.
03:36Alright I'm off to pick up the witch.
03:38We can witch it.
03:39No you are not.
03:39We will.
03:40We won't let's go get it.
03:41You might get to drive the car by thinking about it but.
03:44She's actually a witch.
03:45Some kind of thing.
03:46Aye.
03:49After all I really love you.
03:53Lads.
03:55After all that we've been through.
03:59Ho ho ho.
04:01Days of goodbye.
04:02Let's shut up.
04:03Hey.
04:06We've had some crack in this car over the years.
04:08Haven't we?
04:09You remember the time that we went and held through with the fridge.
04:13And you thought we murdered a load of ducks.
04:15With a hammer.
04:16That was so good.
04:18Just a car joke.
04:19Ah come on though.
04:20It's not though.
04:20It's more than that.
04:21It's memories on wheels.
04:23Alright.
04:23Do you remember the time we went up to Dublin.
04:25To go to therapy.
04:26And then the therapist told us.
04:27That you were the one that was fucked up.
04:29Alright like.
04:30Can you believe that?
04:31The look on your face.
04:33You were like.
04:35I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that.
04:38That's a good one.
04:39Alright class.
04:40It's a good one.
04:40It's a good one.
04:42It's a good one.
04:42Yeah.
04:43Right.
04:44I think you're looking a little bit tired.
04:45Tired?
04:46Get off jock.
04:47Stay to you.
04:48You have a face like the first pancake.
04:50You know the bad one that comes out all munted and shite.
04:52So they have to throw it out.
04:54Jeez.
04:54That's a bit below the belt.
04:55No?
04:56I just thought that maybe you could eh.
04:58Just do a little break from the driving zone.
05:00Yeah.
05:00We'll keep your thoughts to yourself.
05:02I think he's just a bit worried.
05:03You shouldn't be driving in your condition.
05:06A condition?
05:06What condition is that?
05:07Arsehole ladies.
05:11Sorry man.
05:11In all seriousness.
05:13He's right like.
05:14Yeah.
05:14I don't think you at the moment have the mental capacity to focus on the road.
05:18You're not thinking about your mammonod.
05:20That's serious stuff.
05:21Do you know what might be a good?
05:23Thought experiment.
05:24Thought experiment?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Did you learn that from the prison therapist was it?
05:28No I'm not worried.
05:29Imagine.
05:30Alright.
05:30That you've never met your man.
05:32And you're just on your way now to just make a new friend.
05:36So you can leave all the baggage at the door.
05:41Are you serious?
05:43Rave!
05:44Rave!
05:46What the fuck?
05:48What are you doing?
05:49That's obviously not what we meant like.
05:51I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car.
05:53And she took off with a handbag full of freedom and selfishness.
05:56So what?
05:57We're just your baggage.
05:58Yes.
05:59You are my baggage.
06:00The type of baggage that has no value.
06:01And I get stuck in it because nobody else wants it.
06:04Ye arrows bow as useful as a bag full of mickeys.
06:06Soft mickeys at that.
06:07Shush.
06:08No, no, no.
06:09Don't you shush me.
06:10Don't you shush me.
06:10Shush.
06:11Shush.
06:11Shush.
06:12We understand.
06:12Shush.
06:17Shush.
06:17Well he should be sleeping.
06:19I know that, Mairead.
06:20But he won't stay down.
06:21Arrows.
06:22No.
06:23No.
06:23Did you ask nicely?
06:25Airbag.
06:26Seriously, Mairead?
06:27Not an airbag.
06:28Say.
06:28I can't help from here.
06:30Animals.
06:30See the cows there?
06:32No.
06:33Healey, what was that?
06:35I gotta go.
06:36I don't know.
06:37I don't know.
06:38Give me a flu.
06:39It's all around us.
06:41It's all around us.
06:43Come on, boy.
06:43Use your brain.
06:44Come on.
06:44There's no more words beginning with A.
06:46I don't know.
06:47You only guessed like six of them.
06:48I can't think under this pressure.
06:50Healey.
06:51You want me to tell me?
06:51Just tell me.
06:52That's what I said.
06:52Tell me.
06:52Worry.
06:54Air.
06:56Air.
06:57Yeah.
06:57But you can't see air.
06:59Honey.
06:59Of course you can by it.
07:00It's all around us.
07:02Yeah.
07:02I can't see air right now, can I?
07:03I can feel the air.
07:04Healey, what is going on?
07:05Will you answer me?
07:06You can feel the effects of air, but you can't see air.
07:08No, no, no.
07:09Air is see-through.
07:10You see through it.
07:11Okay.
07:12Then why don't you call this thing?
07:15Why don't you call that thing?
07:16No, no, no, no.
07:17That's not air.
07:18That's what I said.
07:18I spy with my little light W.
07:20I'm picking water vapor.
07:21A bad workman.
07:23Blames his tuner.
07:24Yeah.
07:24I spy with my little I.
07:25Something beginning with A.
07:26An annoying fuck.
07:27I am surrounded by adult children.
07:30Here.
07:34I spy with my little I.
07:37An absolute ride.
07:39Look at her.
07:39What a kid.
07:40She is like fine wine.
07:42What?
07:42That's a bit of me, though.
07:43She's right up your street, man.
07:45She's stunning.
07:45Is she hot, man?
07:46Stop hitting on your granny.
07:48Granny?
07:48Who's granny?
07:49Right up your street.
07:50No, no, no, no, no.
07:51No, no, no, no.
07:52No, no, no, no.
07:53That was granny.
07:54She's not hot at all.
07:55She might.
07:57Bridget.
07:58Call me mom.
07:59Oh, Mr. Mitch.
08:04Look at those muscles.
08:06You go to the gym or what?
08:08No, boy.
08:10My mom said I was actually born with a six pack.
08:12Yeah, all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital and all.
08:14Looks like a washboard to me.
08:16Yeah, well, he's full of shit, are he?
08:17I swear to God.
08:18I was almost in the paper, but I got bumped because they found a missing guard.
08:21All right, Jack.
08:22As if, Jack.
08:23Be nice.
08:24Handsome lad like him, he's going to make a lot of money.
08:26Doing what?
08:27Being an escort?
08:28Connor!
08:29That is disgusting.
08:31It's just science.
08:33Good-looking lads make more money.
08:35You wasn't even top five best-looking people in our school.
08:37Jealous boy.
08:38Relax.
08:38Oh, yeah.
08:39Relax.
08:40It's okay.
08:41Rides only hang out with rides.
08:45It reflects well on you, too.
08:48Who says that?
08:49Everybody.
08:51Isn't that right, Mireille?
08:53That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends.
08:57Weren't enough other middling children.
09:00You're only middling, Mireille.
09:01Woo!
09:02We are done here.
09:03Jack is too young for you.
09:04It's disgusting.
09:04He's basically like your grandson.
09:06No, not by blood.
09:08Ah, she's got a point there.
09:09I mean, it wouldn't be illegal now, would it?
09:11No, but that doesn't make it right.
09:12Yeah.
09:13It's still messed up, all right?
09:14Like, spiritually.
09:16Yeah, spiritually.
09:17So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once?
09:24Over this way, my lady.
09:26Sit inside down on yourself.
09:27Enough.
09:27That is a gorgeous cat kiss.
09:29And you?
09:31Your granddad, boy.
09:32I'm not going to be my granddad.
09:33I'm not calling you granddad.
09:35I'm not branddad, mate.
09:37I'm not branddad, mate.
09:38I'm not branddad.
09:40I'm not branddad.
09:41I'm not branddad.
09:44No, no.
09:45What are you doing?
09:46Oh, fuck.
09:49Oh, yeah.
09:59so how have you been anyway fine no thanks to you um it's a it's a fine day for a
10:07drive isn't it
10:08yeah yeah beautiful blue skies isn't it brilliant god he's the dead spit of your father
10:14yeah you barely knew dad you couldn't pick him out of a lineup i stayed around long enough to
10:19have you didn't i what more do you want oh no no that's plenty thank you very much thank you
10:24so
10:24much for having me and then abandoning me boy i think we should block our heroes or something
10:29this feels sort of private no i didn't abandon you for heaven's sakes i had to leave but you seem
10:35to
10:36do fine with that other family where are they now anyway why aren't you bothering them for your
10:39birthday i wanted to meet neil his name's noel oh no neil whatever he's still my grandson
10:48son also i don't speak to the others we fell out what i stayed around for a bit
10:55but then the boomtown rats went on tour you you toured with them i followed them around yeah
11:05that is sick anyway i wasn't meant to be a mother honestly it's a shit job
11:13no i that's what i say too i always say be a dad much easier more fun well said
11:23what now he took a shit in the back and i didn't even know that was a thing
11:28oh he's pissing on me now already he's pissing on me grow up and deal with it all right he's
11:33your kid
11:37too she always this moody i'll answer this one yes i even got my driver's license and she won't let
11:45me behind the wheel can you believe that yeah even despite our condition i don't have a condition
11:49are so light exactly that's it that's what i said you had about gosh she is a witch
11:56you're like a cat that lived a thousand lives thousand rides more like
12:04well van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time van morrison i used to babysit
12:11him
12:11i've heard of him you're full of shit you know that van morrison is older than you you couldn't
12:15babysit him brown-eyed girl that one's about me you have blue eyes all right just smoke in here
12:22what no no i quit smoking boys oh yeah go any further and you will be walking home right that
12:29is so unfair yeah my age never told us her man was such a legend yeah she's like a proper
12:36like not a small one like a big one like massive yeah well you didn't grow up with her yeah
12:40neither
12:41did you i want to relax like i was only making a good pint he's hot too this is killian
12:53he's looking for a ride and i said we have room absolutely not oh come on share and share
13:01alike no offense like but don't you think he looks a bit like a murderer silly just watching
13:08my address do you killian no it's hard see wait was that a yes or a no well he's hit
13:17a
13:17yes but his mouth said no look there's no room fine but if you're not going to let my new
13:23friend come then you're going to have to let connor drive we all have to make compromises
13:32fine connor can drive holy shit all right tell him what i taught you what we talked about right
13:38like the game i'll never forget you no no no not that way no no that way ten and two
13:47ten and two
13:51nice family then there was a time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses
13:57i did need glasses all right i couldn't see the blackboard i said to her come here do you see
14:05that moon up there i said that moon is four hundred thousand miles away it's all wrong with your
14:12eyesight ten and two okay you keep saying that but i don't know what that means like a clock okay
14:19hands at ten and two yeah i want the clock to my phone so that doesn't make any sense let
14:23the toy
14:23just do it his way he's my son okay i'll handle it how i like i'm just trying to help
14:28okay thanks but
14:29don't just can you can you just sit back oh thank god he's breathing hey we could do cpr
14:49oh come on jesus christ you're an animal sorry like it was the humane thing to do con sorry sorry
14:58somebody put me out of my misery we can't just just leave him here we need to give him a
15:02proper
15:02burial oh you're so emotional you're definitely your mother's child
15:13mummy's brain fell out so we're gathered here today to to celebrate the life of rabbit de niro
15:24he's gone but was certainly not forgotten uh would anyone like to say a few words
15:32listen when i go keep these two boys away from me with their tears dancing and drinking that's the
15:40way you're supposed to send someone off i'll be in the car having a bag or doing anything other than
15:48this i didn't know you too well rabbit de niro i know you like carrots
16:00hopping around and shagging rabbits love shagging once saw a rabbit looking out a fox
16:11i'm sorry for what they did to you
16:15gone but not forgot
16:20oh danny boy the pubes the pubes are calling from glen to glen and down the mountainside
16:38the summer sky and i love you
16:44and i love you
17:01cheer up boys you're bringing my mood down
17:05even be will you get over it and get over it again
17:06his own time that's the problem with your generation you're too soft on your kids they don't
17:12grow up that what you were doing with me is this forcing me to grow up i think i was
17:17a bit young
17:18for that don't you i'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff you had more than i ever
17:24have you
17:24don't see me complaining all you do is complain you complain about being a mother no i don't want
17:29to talk about it anymore yeah well i do okay you at least told me that i gave you life
17:34i was sick
17:36every day for nine months cooking you inside me what more do you want a mother oh don't be so
17:46dramatic dramatic you abandoned me you took the easy way out i didn't want a kid yeah but i didn't
17:55bail on him did i well somehow it's always about you and it's my birthday it is never about me
18:03it's
18:03literally never about me i wish for just once it was about me your yelling is exhausting me
18:09i'm going to have a nap have your nap hope you don't wake up
18:18i am i might try for a nap too
18:28no please come on i'm trying to do it here all right
18:45give me a chance all right
18:48drink your drinks and eat your beats it's party time
19:03hello are we glad to see you how was it fine she's still asleep in the car probably a drunken
19:08crumb
19:12how is she i'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life so how would i know
19:15very free
19:30bridget sleep your head wakey wakey rose and shine
19:36uh bridget
19:42bridget i'm tony oh jesus uh uh okay okay don't panic don't panic uh pulse
19:47um oh shit okay no pulse marie marie marie come quick
19:54she's done this on purpose we shouldn't be doing this we should be informing the guards
19:59you are the guards consider yourself informed we keep our legs up will you
20:02oh god she's heavy oh god you think i should give her a hug
20:14hope's not gonna bring her back to life but is it
20:17no jack not her the other one
20:24the funeral home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow
20:29what so like she's just staying tonight here yeah
20:33why do you think we'll get to eat the dinner
20:35we have some respect but our mom's mom is dead
20:38why i'm starving i'll be the one dead if we won't eat soon
20:40you know i can hear you two idiots
20:43our hands are all
20:44yeah
20:47we should eat we promised her we'd throw her the best party we could so that's what we're gonna do
20:52love i think you might still be in shock
20:53she's not gonna ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die
20:57one question
20:58does she still have a soul
21:00yeah
21:02or is that daddy's wife
21:07is you buy this good stuff
21:08oh so bad you know
21:10yeah except for the prick guard and stuff
21:13yeah
21:13stay for that
21:17this isn't right
21:18it's too much salt
21:20no
21:22she's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party
21:29why
21:30why did i have to be the one sat next door
21:34i'm not doing that that's creepy but
21:43a toast
21:44to the old witch
21:46to the old witch
21:48to the old witch
21:49to the old witch
22:04it's yours
22:05Well, you took me with a glance
22:09I should have took that last must come
22:12But I asked you for a dance
22:15Now we go steady to the pictures
22:17I always get chocolate stains on my pants
22:21And my father, he's going crazy
22:24He says I'm living in a trance
22:27But I'm dancing in the moonlight
22:30It's caught me in the spotlight
22:32It's alright
22:34It will definitely be illegal now
22:36On this long hot summer night
22:51Happy birthday, man
22:54I threw this party for you
22:55I hope you liked it
22:59I don't know why I did
23:00You wouldn't have done it for me
23:03You never did anything for me
23:06Connor, I was all alone
23:08And you weren't there for me
23:12All I needed was someone to talk to
23:14And tell me everything was going to be alright
23:20It's all I needed and you weren't there for me
23:25And I miss my ma'am
23:26And I love my ma'am
23:30Can I just wish you loved me back?
23:39I'm so sorry I was a shit ma'am
23:41Oh no, don't say that
23:44I was scared and I was young
23:47I love you so much
23:48You should never have it any other way you know that
23:53You did your best, ma'am
23:55You always did your best
23:59And you know what, in some way
24:01I'd say she did too
24:08I was better than her though, wasn't I?
24:10Oh yeah, way better
24:14To Bridget
24:15To Bridget
24:17And
24:19To Morayet
24:21Yeah
24:21Right?
24:22To Morayet
24:34You always know I wasn't about to sparkle
24:38I know, wait, wait, wait
24:41Let Healy get it
24:45Even the bomb going off wouldn't make that man
24:48One thing about being a man
24:49Is that once you are one
24:51It never ends
24:52And a job that never ends
24:55That's got to be the toughest job in the world
24:57Right
24:58Say Granny
24:59So just maybe
25:01We should give all mothers a break
25:02Because even the ones that do jump ship
25:05They've already done more work than any man
25:07They deserve a rest
25:09Rest in peace Granny Bridget
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