- 2 days ago
Malcolm In The Middle S01E04 (2026)
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00:02No, Wayne, you cannot have it yet.
00:05Something came up.
00:07Can we move this along here, please?
00:09You're not wrapping a Christmas present.
00:10I've got a party to go to.
00:11Lady, your leg is broken.
00:14You're not going to do anything except go home and rest.
00:16Less yapping, more wrapping.
00:18Butch, I am so much less high now.
00:21Sir, please, their earlobes are gushy.
00:23Gushy, gushy.
00:24Stop it.
00:26I want my little hammer back.
00:31Okay, we'll print your post-treatment orders and get you some painkillers.
00:35Yeah, I don't need them.
00:36What are you doing?
00:37Sit down.
00:38Your past is still setting.
00:39You don't even have crutches yet.
00:40You're going to injure yourself even worse.
00:42Then I'll come back after the party tonight and you can fix that.
00:45Come on, Hal.
00:47Hal?
00:48Oh, squishy.
00:50Oh, squishy.
00:52Okay, come on, let's go.
00:54Mom and Dad are already there waiting.
00:55Kelly, breathe.
00:57It doesn't start till 8.
00:58You want to look sharp or not?
00:59Just, I wish I knew what revenge Reese had planned for me.
01:02Don't worry about Reese, because there's nothing you can do about it.
01:05It's like a tornado, except there's no alert.
01:08It's just something you've got to accept.
01:10What the hell?
01:11My underwear's already too tight.
01:12Francis, get me a pair of your mom's granny panties.
01:15Right away, honey.
01:20Man, you need to adjust these speakers.
01:22I'm not talking about the volume.
01:23I'm talking about the mix.
01:24That speaker is too quiet and these three are too loud.
01:26And did you remember the backup cables I asked for?
01:28I know you don't mean it, but I'm getting a vibe of impatience bordering on menace, and
01:32it's pushing my agitation levels past the point of productive conversation.
01:35So, we'll continue this after I've run cold water over my hands.
01:38Honey?
01:39Hal, please.
01:39I don't need any help.
01:41Just back off and let me do everything.
01:43Honey, I'm so sorry.
01:44I should have realized that my natural enthusiasm was just adding to your stress.
01:50You've got this.
01:51Everything is already perfect.
01:53Are you still high?
01:54No.
01:55I'm just more perceptive because of the ego death that I experienced from my expanded consciousness.
02:01This is so yummy.
02:04Let me know if you want a break.
02:06I juggle the sound pizzas every Wednesday at Shadyside Assisted Living.
02:10Yodeling, barbershop, yodeling, barbershop.
02:12People go nuts.
02:18Wow, surprisingly nervous.
02:20What's surprising about it?
02:21Yeah, it goes to these people for years, and now you have to face them and explain why.
02:25Hey, hey, here's how I see it.
02:27We both want to avoid mom and dad as long as we can, so we hide into the spotlight dance
02:30and come out when we're the happiest.
02:32Before then, it's every man for himself.
02:36Nice.
02:37Give me your business card later.
02:40Malcolm?
02:41Malcolm!
02:42Malcolm!
02:43Those are friends?
02:45I wouldn't call them my friends.
02:47Malcolm, it's us!
02:49Your friends!
02:51Hey, guys.
02:52You know how we've missed our fourth musketeer?
02:57Lloyd, Dabney, Kevin, this is Tristan and my daughter Leah.
03:01You procreated!
03:02What a relief.
03:04The three of us have also created a child.
03:06Like, with a surrogate?
03:10Sure.
03:11That's our Hubert.
03:15There's an ant!
03:16Don't worry, I have confused him.
03:19So, what have you guys been up to?
03:21Genetic Tech Resources.
03:22Incorporated in college and started getting contracts before we even graduated.
03:27Department of Defense.
03:28We're doing so much weird shit.
03:33Here's your mom.
03:40Stevie!
03:41Oh my goodness, it is so great to see all of you.
03:46Hi there.
03:48This is Tristan and Leah.
03:49Hi.
03:50How are you?
03:51I was wonderful.
03:52Up until the moment I caught my ex-husband wallowing in his usual vortex of resentment,
03:57based on nothing other than his own self-loathing.
03:59But thanks for asking.
04:02Tell your mother.
04:03I do resent her showing up here, wearing the necklace I gave her 29 years ago to be my forever
04:09love.
04:10It is a slap in the face across space and time.
04:13Tell her!
04:21Dad says he does resent rat cowards.
04:38All I'm saying is Dewey is stupid to be here on a laptop.
04:41Eat my balls, Jamie.
04:43I'm being considerate.
04:44Excuse me.
04:45Hey.
04:46I'm sorry.
04:47We'll have to get back to you.
04:48We're all just so busy.
04:50Yeah, we're completely swamped.
04:51I'm sorry.
04:52I don't have any excuses.
04:54I just want to clear the air and make it right.
04:57Please.
05:01Well, it's not like this is the first horrible thing you've ever done.
05:04Hey, Leah.
05:05Do you want to hear all the horrible things he's ever done?
05:08Yes.
05:08Kids, I need some help.
05:10They put the Javari chairs and high tables in front of the low tables,
05:12and it's blocking the eye lines of the stage.
05:14Hi, Grandma.
05:16Well, I was somebody who actually likes to hug.
05:18I said I would try it for your birthday.
05:20Malcolm, I'm so happy.
05:23He must have dropped and crawled.
05:25What the heck is wrong with him?
05:26He showed up.
05:27Give him a break.
05:28No, Jamie's not ashamed of his family.
05:30You know how hard it was for him to get permission to leave the base and come here?
05:33Oh, they don't know that I'm gone.
05:35I'm on guard duty right now.
05:39In the face.
05:42Across space.
05:48And time.
05:50Okay, who wants another...
05:51Well, you can tell your father to find a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word gift.
05:56Unless it's like every other thing in our relationship.
05:58That came with secret conditions that he would only reveal when he needs to attack me when I'm at my
06:03most vulnerable.
06:10She loves you.
06:21That's what militaries put in to us, baby.
06:24You'll never say again.
06:25Hey, boys.
06:26Wow, you started early.
06:27I think 10 is a respectable age.
06:29We were just raising a toast to our dear old commandant's back there.
06:34Run to hell, you want our bastard?
06:38Uh, you want to tell me what's in the sack?
06:40Are you my parole officer?
06:43No, seriously, are you?
06:44Okay.
06:45We decided to do one last keeper for old time's sake.
06:49Nice statue head.
06:51I came.
06:53I sawed.
06:54I conquered.
06:57That's good.
06:58We're putting that on the Instagram.
07:00Wait.
07:02It was the most beautiful, transcendent experience.
07:05Abe said you were rolling around naked on filthy linoleum choking yourself.
07:10Transcendently?
07:12Psst.
07:13Kelly.
07:13Before you try anything, just remember, revenge for an unjustified revenge is justified,
07:17but revenge for a justified revenge is unjustified revenge.
07:21Yeah.
07:22Relax, we're in a ceasefire until the party's over.
07:25Could you sneak me a couple dinner rolls?
07:32It's so nice to have someone I can share my deepest feelings with.
07:46Crap.
07:47Yaw, sounds like I'm seven.
07:49Quick, change the subject.
07:55Perfect setup.
07:57I look great.
07:58I look great.
08:14I made him nervous.
08:19Cute.
08:20Pretty.
08:22Hot.
08:35Ew.
08:36Ew!
08:39Wait.
08:40Where the hell did you get that mac and cheese?
08:42I brought it from home.
08:46When I get back, I'm expecting a new full-size plate handed over without any looks.
08:52There you are, Piyama.
08:54Oh, my juicy jelly bean.
08:58Oh.
08:59Gretchen, so great to see you.
09:01We were so sorry to hear about Otto.
09:05He didn't suffer.
09:07The puma is very quick and efficient.
09:09What are you doing now?
09:11I am a doula for cattle.
09:12I go from town to town, cow to cow, helping them give birth.
09:18It's very spiritual.
09:19Well, not the clean-up.
09:22That's nasty, but...
09:28Oh, my goodness.
09:30You have a calf inside you.
09:33How do you-
09:34Oh, it's my gift.
09:35Oh, your girl.
09:36We don't know yet.
09:39Do you want to?
09:41What the hell?
09:43Well, the video of us beheading the statue got 3,000 dislikes.
09:46Who doesn't love a classic prank?
09:48Let me see.
09:51Uh, where was this statue?
09:54In front of the bar.
09:55Had a creepy five-sweeding you in.
09:57And did this bar have a name?
09:59That was weird, too.
10:01It was called Stagnus.
10:03What is that?
10:04Like, how much you're like a stag.
10:07Idiots, it's not Stagnus.
10:09It's St. Agnes.
10:13It's a church.
10:14Whose statue do they put in front of churches?
10:22Looks like...
10:23Burger King.
10:25Well, no wonder they're mad.
10:27People love that guy.
10:41Newbert!
10:42Come dance with dadadadada.
10:49Maybe I'm overreacting.
10:51Maybe he was teasing.
10:59What a creep.
11:01My first crush is a creep.
11:09It's been 20 minutes.
11:11I still don't have a better idea.
11:13Now come!
11:16Occupy!
11:17You think I wouldn't crawl under and pull you out of there?
11:26Can we do this outside the men's room?
11:28Nope.
11:29It's gone on long enough.
11:30We're gonna straighten everything out right here, right now.
11:32We're gonna go back to the party as a family.
11:33The shrimp is bad. The shrimp is bad.
11:36We're not serving shrimp.
11:38I ate something with a tail on it.
11:43Oh, sweet Father, mercy, friends!
11:45Now let's go.
11:47You can't be serious.
11:48If you wanna get out of here,
11:49you are gonna tell me why you have been doing this.
11:54Come on! Out with it!
11:57Sorry, I know you didn't mean me.
11:59How do you think one conversation in a toilet's gonna fix everything?
12:02I don't, but at least it's a start.
12:04What do you wanna do? Wait for my funeral?
12:06There's nothing to say. It's just the way we are.
12:10We all just swirl around each other fighting and taking turns creating disasters.
12:13So we drive each other nuts, so what?
12:16That's what families do!
12:18It's more than that. I...
12:20I like myself better when I'm not around you.
12:22So you have said.
12:25And I...
12:28feel bad for who I am when I am around you.
12:30What?
12:30You yelling?
12:32Spitballs to a battleship.
12:34No!
12:34I mean, I know I'm disappointing you!
12:40What?
12:41He said he knows he's disappointing you.
12:45Sorry, I'll be quiet.
12:48Now I'll be quiet.
12:50Mom, you've always had these gigantic expectations of me.
12:54Like I'm some sort of superhuman brain that can fix all the world's problems.
12:59I'm sorry, I can't!
13:00And I can't deal with that pressure!
13:02When did I ever pressure you?
13:03You said I had to become president of the United States!
13:06A president? Is...
13:08Is that what this is about?
13:10Malcolm, that was just a plan.
13:14Plans aren't contracts.
13:15They're just plans.
13:17Your father and I have made hundreds of them, and look at us.
13:19Barely ever work out, so we just make some new ones.
13:22Yeah, you can't take it that seriously.
13:25What?
13:28That was you lying?
13:33You've been lying to me all this time?!
13:36Do you know the kind of trauma you caused me for a lie?!
13:39Making me suffer under your lie for 18 years?!
13:44What kind of satanic monster are you?!
13:49Aw, they found each other.
13:52We tried to give you very specific positive goals to help you get through college.
13:56So you wouldn't just party and drop out and end up in a homeless shelter.
13:59That was called good parenting.
14:01You don't even care about the constant stress and anxiety of trying to live up to that?
14:06Do you realize that my degrees, my charity, the awards, my beautiful, perfect daughter,
14:13finding a woman who loves me for me and makes my life complete, all of that was based on your
14:18lie!
14:18How could you do that to me?!
14:23Wait.
14:26Malcolm, you've accomplished so much.
14:28And all of it is you.
14:31It's just you.
14:32It's just you.
14:34You're a good father.
14:35You're a good man.
14:37Better than we ever hoped.
14:39And I wish we didn't upset you so much, and I can't say it's ever going to get better.
14:44I just miss you.
14:48I miss you too.
14:52I'm trying so hard to hold it in, it just makes the pitch go higher.
14:56Please, let's just get out of here.
14:59Oh, by the way, I love my granddaughter.
15:02Yeah, that's pretty easy.
15:03And I approve of Tristan.
15:05Thanks.
15:06I mean, I don't actually need your approval.
15:08I know.
15:08But I approve anyway.
15:11Thanks.
15:12I really love her.
15:14I think I love her like you and Dad.
15:23We are no longer friends.
15:25We'll discuss it after dessert.
15:29Hey, Dad.
15:30Looking good.
15:31All better now?
15:33Clever past that.
15:33We're not past it yet, Rhys.
15:36Did we miss anything?
15:37Pull me higher. I can't see space.
15:39You are in for it now.
15:40All right, all right.
15:40You're right. It's your moment.
15:42We'll pile on later.
15:44Dad, there's no point in me saying I'm sorry.
15:47I'm always sorry.
15:49But this is different.
15:50I not only took advantage of you, I did it by pretending to have a closer, more loving relationship.
15:59I know how horrible I made you feel.
16:02And the horrible thing for me is I was faking the relationship I always wanted with you.
16:11Way to take all the fun out of it.
16:12Yeah, nice man.
16:14That is the most honest apology I have ever heard.
16:18Wow.
16:19But it is completely meaningless.
16:21But wait, let's go together.
16:23You have always counted on the fact that no matter what you do, I will always love you.
16:28And that is just true.
16:30It is for all of you.
16:32I assumed the love was just there in every cell of my body and I was helpless to prevent it.
16:40But then I realized that that was just for your mother.
16:42You guys are completely different.
16:45You're so unfailingly destructive and self-absorbed and oblivious that you make it so damn difficult.
16:53That my genuine, deep love is an actual act of heroism.
16:59Well, do you realize how good that makes me feel about myself?
17:05Thank you for that gift.
17:09Especially you.
17:16Are you sure everything's ready?
17:17Don't worry.
17:18Don't worry everything's ready or just don't worry.
17:20Whatever answer makes you stop glaring at me, I don't like it.
17:24That's too late now anyway.
17:28Can I have your attention please, everyone?
17:34This is such an important day for me.
17:37After 40 years of frustration, Hal has finally let me celebrate our relationship my way.
17:47My way.
17:49Today is happening exactly the way I always wanted it to.
17:53Because, honey.
17:54For once.
17:56For once.
17:59It's not about me.
18:01It's about you.
18:11Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
18:13This has taken so many online tutorials and equipment rentals and crazy expensive laptop I've been hiding from you.
18:20And I hope you like it.
18:23What would you like people to know about your father?
18:25That is a complicated man.
18:30No, he's not.
18:31He's the least complex man of all time, which I love.
18:34I spend so much time touring in different cities.
18:38Sometimes I don't know where I am.
18:40And dad calls.
18:41He doesn't understand time zones.
18:43And it's always like 4 in the morning.
18:46But it's still very thoughtful.
18:49Two minutes talking to him, I feel like I'm home.
18:53Anyway, he caught me thinking.
18:55And I wrote this.
19:02For me, the most singular thing about dad is his stamina.
19:06The sheer amount of grief he could stomach.
19:09I got in trouble.
19:10Got in fights.
19:11Got suspended.
19:12Got expelled.
19:14Twice.
19:15Your dad was always unfailingly patient with me.
19:19The first time I met Hal.
19:21Oh, got married to you without telling them?
19:23That was a big one.
19:24Anyway, I was dreading it.
19:26As far as I knew, all dads were drunk and mean.
19:28But he was always so steady and reliable.
19:31Now he feels like my real dad.
19:34Got arrested three times.
19:35No, arrested twice.
19:37Expelled three times.
19:40We were all pretty wild.
19:43But my brothers, they were so far ahead of me that I needed to find my own thing.
19:50So, I chose noise.
19:52I especially liked the sound of crashing.
19:55Dishes, lamps, big windows, little windows.
19:59If you know what you're doing, I mean, you can create these frequencies that rip right through your brain.
20:04And when dad stopped me, he was always so gentle about it.
20:10I mean, it really made me want to be peaceful.
20:15I really appreciated his tenderness.
20:17Even though I'm kind of a tough guy.
20:20I mean, look at these beasts!
20:24Can the love of your life be a man?
20:26Another heterosexual man?
20:28I say yes.
20:29A thousand times yes.
20:31When someone is that loving and giving and honest and true, you can't stop it.
20:36You understand?
20:37He's not just my best friend.
20:39He's the best person.
20:40No one disagree with me on this one.
20:47Hell is a great man.
20:52Everyone expects me to talk about how forgiving and accepting he is.
20:56And he totally is with me.
20:59I don't know why I do what I do.
21:01I actually asked a therapist about it, but he was all, I don't know you and I don't work for
21:06free.
21:06But what I'm really thankful for is the optimism he gave me.
21:10I still wake up every day thinking I'll be better.
21:14He's always cheerful.
21:15And honest.
21:16And helpful.
21:17And wise.
21:17And honest.
21:19Yes.
21:21I admire his enthusiasm and his courage.
21:23He could try anything and make us do it too.
21:25Our vocal group?
21:27Firewalking.
21:29And don't forget insightful.
21:31Nobody else recognized that my bluster was just a cover to hide my shame at ruining Secret Santa.
21:36And he's incredibly generous.
21:38Especially when he's playing poker.
21:42Hey Doug.
21:42I'm sorry this is so rushed.
21:43I'm just a holy swamp.
21:45Look.
21:45I wanted to say I love you.
21:46I admire your decency and your honesty and your hair.
21:51So happy birthday anniversary.
21:53Hey Linda, can you bring me that report?
21:56I was like five when I started feeling wrong.
22:02I thought I was great at hiding it because you guys never said anything.
22:07But then I had this one really shitty day in the fifth grade with the other kids and even my
22:18teacher.
22:22When I had little kid problems I'd just go to dad and he'd clown around and make me feel better.
22:31And I wanted to do that.
22:33But instead I just blurted out, dad am I wrong?
22:40And he was looking at me and I knew that he knew and had always known.
22:50And I could tell he was thinking like really hard.
22:56And I was terrified.
23:01And then he finally said, it could be nicer to your mom sometimes.
23:09So yeah, I like him.
23:16Sincere.
23:17Loyal.
23:17Tenderness.
23:18Brave.
23:19Funny.
23:19Faith.
23:20Incredible.
23:20Remarkable.
23:21Striving.
23:22Terrific.
23:22Terrific.
23:23Terrible.
23:24Figuring.
23:25Afford.
23:25Afford.
23:25Afford.
23:25Afford.
23:26Afford.
23:26Afford.
23:27Afford.
23:27The biggest interpretation is you are waiting for.
23:30Love.
23:37We did it! Woo-hoo!
23:39All eyes are beautiful, boys!
23:43Hal.
23:45When we first met,
23:47I knew I'd been looking for you my entire life.
23:54You're my wish come true.
23:57Ooh, boy,
23:58you so good.
24:00Ooh, boy,
24:02I won't even know you, boy.
24:06Woo-hoo!
24:12Woo-hoo!
24:16Woo-hoo!
24:22No one's ever done anything like that for me.
24:26No one ever led us
24:28Excuse me
24:32It feels weird to insert myself into this moment
24:35But if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I never will
24:39Dad
24:42I'm sorry for how crappy my part in that was
24:46I didn't realize how much this meant
24:49How much you meant
24:53I'm sorry
25:03I thought I was improving myself by being away from you
25:07But instead I forgot the important things I learned from you
25:11Give everyone a chance
25:15Love is brave
25:18Don't stop believing
25:21I know where you got that one, but it's still good
25:23So
25:25Love is brave
25:30Tristan
25:32I am so flawed
25:33There are so many parts of my personality that don't work right
25:37But I love you
25:39So much
25:42Will you marry me?
25:46No
25:58That doesn't work for everything, Stevie
26:00Malcolm
26:02I love you
26:03So much
26:06But we both just found out we've been keeping gigantic, awful secrets from each other
26:12We have to figure that out before we do anything
26:18Except sex
26:18We'll definitely have sex later
26:20We have to figure it out now
26:36Thank you
26:39Really
26:47Thank you
26:51Hi, I'm Lita.
26:54Hubert, who ordered you to approach me?
26:57My grandma.
26:58She could tell I was lonely.
27:00Just as I could tell you're lonely.
27:02It's probably because you're odd.
27:04I am.
27:05Well then, we're a match made in heaven.
27:08Don't do eyebrows.
27:09And you're already giving me good advice.
27:12We're blossoming.
27:15Hi, would you like to join what may become a super cool friend group?
27:23Yeah, okay.
27:24Thanks.
27:27Can I ask you guys about something really embarrassing?
27:29If you knew me better, you wouldn't.
27:31But go ahead.
27:33Ladies and gentlemen, we present the anniversary dance under the spotlight.
27:37Please remember, they chose the music.
27:42What have you done?
27:43What are you talking about?
27:45How?
27:46It's just a silly little romantic thing.
27:48It's no big deal.
27:50Do you feel my heart beating?
27:52Do you understand?
27:55Do you feel the same?
27:58Am I only dreaming?
28:03I believe it's meant to be.
28:08Do you feel the same?
28:11Am I only dreaming?
28:18Oh my God, it's a minute a dream.
28:20You are a dream.
28:21I think you are a dream.
28:29I believe it's meant to be.
28:33Do you feel the same?
28:38Am I only dreaming?
28:43Is this perfect?
28:46Every time of the world
28:49Give me your hand
28:54Do you feel my heart leaving?
28:59Do you have the same?
29:02Do you feel the same?
29:04Am I only dreaming?
29:11I need your love
29:15Is this perfect?
29:18Give me your love
29:26I'm sorry
29:28I'm sorry that I wasn't supposed to
29:30I didn't mean to
29:32Do you like it?
29:46This is the most incontestable forfeit of a security deposit of all time
29:52And well worth it
29:55Ow!
29:56What the hell?
29:58My leg is killing me
30:03When the hell did I get a cast?
30:06Having friends is awesome
30:08I had no idea
30:09We talked everything out
30:11And they gave me a whole new perspective
30:13So I am going to send a picture
30:16Well, a screenshot
30:17To his parents
30:19And every girl in school
30:24Teachable moment
30:27Just so you know
30:28Grandma actually helped me solve a problem
30:30Really?
30:30How?
30:32Well, by bossing me around about something completely different
30:35That's the MO
30:36It just occurred to me
30:38My next poo is going to be amazing
30:42Nice job rooting the anniversary
30:45Everything would have been fine
30:46If those rafters were spaced properly
30:48Oh cool
30:48Those rafters are exactly the code
30:50They absolutely are not
30:51God's sake, Reese
30:53Building codes specify different rafter spacing
30:55For 4x6s and 4x8s
30:56And there's no way you can tell the dimensions from down here
30:58And when a zipper sticks
30:59You don't keep yanking on it
31:00Alright?
31:01You pull gently
31:02And wiggle it side to side
31:03That's another thing
31:04That cheap zipper
31:05There's tons of things to blame
31:06Tomorrow we'll go down to City Hall
31:08Well, I guess this is my life again
31:10I just have to do everything I can
31:11To make it work
31:13Mostly because I can't think of any way out of it
31:16Hopefully, Leah's going to be okay with this family
31:19I like this family
31:20I feel so much less weird by comparison
31:23I hope Dad's going to be able to handle it
31:26I'm sure he'll be fine
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