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00:03Good morning USA
00:06I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
00:13And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19Oh boy, it's swell to say
00:22Good morning USA
00:25Good morning USA
00:32You are cool
00:34Cool as a cucumber
00:36A cucumber doesn't want, it doesn't fear
00:40It just is
00:41Everyone come quick, Steve is doing something
00:44I'm psyching myself up for the Langley Church Carnival
00:47Take this with a grain of salt
00:48Because I've never been to this fair
00:50And this is the first I'm hearing of it
00:51You're not ready
00:52The Church Carnival closes the summer social calendar
00:55It's a chance to reinvent yourself
00:57Right before school starts again
00:59And you're going as, what did you say, a pickle?
01:02Your trolling would have gotten to the old Steve
01:04But new me is easy and or breezy
01:07I've been very patient, please talk about the belt now
01:10It's the centerpiece to the new me
01:12Gives me the confidence of a cucumber
01:15Famously the most confident of all the penis shaped foods
01:20Ready to go, Steve?
01:21Whoa, I'm loving the new braided centerpiece
01:24You guys are doing this fair thing, too?
01:26Carnival, and yes
01:27It's the perfect opportunity to reset who you are before the school year
01:31If it goes well
01:32It goes wrong sometimes
01:36Haley had a bad carnival last summer
01:38Derailed her whole year
01:40She developed an unhealthy bond with a goat in the petting zoo
01:44They caught her trying to, uh, to lure it away into a port-a-potty
01:48Are you guys talking about the goat again?
01:50Let it go!
01:51You freaked everyone out!
01:53He needed to be alone!
01:54With me!
01:55This fair sounds incredible!
01:57Everyone get in the car right freaking now!
01:59Well, it doesn't start for a few hours
02:01Wow!
02:02I can't stop learning things about this fair!
02:07I can't do it
02:09This Henley was a mistake
02:10Look how much chest I'm just giving away for free
02:13Be honest
02:14Is it slutty?
02:15Honestly?
02:16Yes
02:16But in a way that really sings
02:19If anything, I'm worried about my bold lip
02:22Is it?
02:22Absolutely perfect!
02:23Yes
02:24Those lips belong in Paris or on a motorcycle
02:27I can't wait to see them drop like a curtain on a bunch of fried pickles
02:30Oh, Stan
02:34Right
02:35I've watched 16 hours of YouTube videos on how to beat every rigged game here
02:39Those carny fat cats have had it too good for too long
02:43And I am gonna have a normal time
02:45I'm certainly not going anywhere near the port-a-potties
02:48Or the petting zoo
02:49You're literally acting insane about this
02:51Can we just forget about the goat?
02:53I have
02:54I bet he wouldn't even recognize me anyway
02:55I mean, I've grown a bunch
02:57Has he grown?
02:58I don't care!
02:59And I've got my cucumber thing
03:01Or wait, was that Steve's?
03:03I will also be a cucumber
03:07Whoa, Steve!
03:08Nice belt!
03:09Thanks!
03:10That flamenco fingernail is nothing to sneeze at either
03:13This?
03:14Oh, no
03:14My new thing is gonna be cocaine
03:16So what do we do first?
03:18Check out the rides?
03:19The girls?
03:20The women?
03:22This year I'm easy peasy steazy
03:24I'm even willing to ride the big kid rides
03:27Are you sure?
03:28Snot, look at my belt
03:30The new Steve is ready for anything
03:32That's great news
03:33Because there's a new ride this year that's supposed to be nuts
03:37There is?
03:39Satan's tantrum
03:47Very cool
03:48But what's the rush, right?
03:51Let's get some funnel cake first
03:53Stop hitting yourself
03:56Steve, help me
03:59Smith, I was just thinking about how I'd like to hit you with this
04:03I got a cricket leg in my funnel cake last year
04:06Let's hit that ride
04:07What about Billy?
04:08Billy might have been the aggressor here
04:09We came in late
04:11Now the trick here is the backspea
04:13Hey, watch it!
04:15Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
04:16I'm not a prize to be won
04:18Help!
04:18I'm being trafficked!
04:20Probably for sex!
04:21Wait, is it for sex?
04:23No
04:23Okay, yeah
04:24Then help!
04:28The best part is
04:30It wasn't even built by a ride architect
04:32Then who made it?
04:33A guy
04:34After he built it
04:36He was committed to an insane asylum
04:39Are pieces supposed to be falling off like that?
04:44Nobody knows!
04:45That's what makes it great!
04:47Step on the scale, boy
04:48And get this
04:50No height requirement
04:51Just a weight requirement
04:53The guy was absolutely mental
04:56What happens if you don't weigh enough?
04:58You fly out
05:03He's not heavy enough
05:05But Toshi's smaller than me
05:09I can't ride the ride
05:11I can't ride the ride
05:15Enjoy the hell out of it, boys
05:16I'm gonna try to cool off in the mirror maze
05:19I got it
05:20Hi, I'm a little late to the game on this fair thing
05:24But I'm loving what I'm seeing from you carnies
05:26Doing drugs in the open
05:28Having filthy hay sex while your teeth drop out
05:30I'll do anything to work here
05:32You're hired
05:34Fantastic!
05:35I need the first two weeks off
05:41Hey, big guy
05:42Close shave out there
05:44Satan's tantrum was a curveball
05:46It's okay to be scared
05:47You're still King Cuke
05:53Mertz
05:54Wow
05:55What in the candy-ass hell did I just stumble on?
05:58Oh, no
05:59I can't control myself
06:01When I see a wuss being this vulnerable
06:04My body just has to bully
06:07Good luck catching the real me
06:09I know this place like the back of my
06:11This is exciting
06:13I wonder what my body's gonna do to you
06:17I know my rights
06:19I am allowed to sing to the goat
06:21You're a cucumber
06:22You're a cucumber
06:23Now, listen
06:24He's a flight risk
06:28Hot damn
06:29Welcome to hell, boy
06:31No, please
06:31Somebody stop him
06:39What are you doing?
06:40I told you
06:41I don't know
06:42But whatever happens
06:43Is your fault
06:44King Cuke
07:07Steve, I got you
07:10Next on Greg's Goodies
07:11I'll be trying the famous twice-fried corn dogs
07:16A real news story
07:18And at the carnival
07:19My school year is set
07:23Ooh, you are so dead
07:30Everyone saw that
07:32Assault
07:33Attempted murder
07:34And worst of all
07:35Misleading an innocent carny
07:37I know what your body's gonna do next
07:39Go straight to jail
07:44We'll see if we can get a word from the hero himself
07:47Hang on
07:48And hang on he did
07:49To you
07:50What was going through your mind up there?
07:52Nothing
07:53I just did it
07:54Inspiring words
07:56And what's new about me is the bono tie
08:03And at the height of Satan's tantrum
08:06Mertz
08:06Clear-eyed and cool
08:08And Steve
08:10The sniveling nerd
08:12Unchanged by the miracle of the carnival
08:14Wearing pink hot boxers
08:16Like a cartoon sea captain
08:17Whose pants are ripped open by an alligator
08:19Can't say I love the way I'm being depicted
08:21I gotta set the record straight
08:23Mertz is no hero
08:24It's his fault I was even on that death trap
08:28What?
08:29It's just he did save your life
08:31Criticizing Mertz now might come across as ungrateful
08:36Dare I say uncool
08:39He's tormented us our entire lives
08:42Barry, he gorilla glued your boobs together
08:44You had to have surgery
08:46We know that
08:47But I think Barry's right
08:48You gotta let this blow over
08:50On the bright side
08:51He hasn't bullied any of us today
08:53True
08:54I don't miss the usual back to school butt crack wet willy
08:57Maybe you're right
08:58Maybe this will all die down in a few days
09:01A key to the city is the greatest honor Langley Falls can bestow upon a citizen
09:07Though in truth it opens very little
09:11The holes simply aren't big enough
09:13I found
09:14And so to you Mertz we offer this key
09:18Thank you for not forcing me to cancel the carnival because of a death
09:22Thank you
09:24But the truth is
09:25I'm no hero
09:27That's a thing a hero would say
09:29I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of
09:32I used to pray on the weak
09:33Steve in particular
09:35For the record that was the old Steve
09:37If I can draw your attention to my belt for a moment
09:40But saving him awoke in me a desire to do good
09:43Now I get up each day and try to be the person all of you believe I am already
09:48Thank you
09:51I wasn't supposed to be on that ride
09:53And for the other boy
09:55Zane's department store has graciously donated a pack of less embarrassing underwear
10:00For the love of
10:02My underwear is fine
10:04No
10:04They're the underwear of a foppish captain who gets his pants ripped open by a hungry alligator
10:11I've seen that one
10:12What was it called?
10:14Meet me by the stage
10:15Everyone else go home
10:17Francine
10:18Your makeup
10:19People are gonna think we skipped this thing to have sex in the car
10:22Especially the people who saw us doing it
10:24Can we go now?
10:26Mertz
10:26We never had a chance to say a proper thank you for what you did for Steve
10:29I'd shake your hand but I haven't washed mine and I uh just did something cool
10:35Do you have dinner plans tonight?
10:37I was gonna have a quiet night in
10:39Dang he's booked up let's go
10:41Come to our house for dinner
10:42It's the least we can do
10:44Wow
10:45Okay
10:45Thank you
10:47Dad no
10:48He once did an entire history report on the agrarian tradition of plowing mom
10:54Great you'll never want to talk about the stuff I'm interested in
10:59So Mertz what kind of doors are open to you now that you're a celebrity?
11:03I bet you could get on Raya easy
11:05Everyone's been so generous the petting zoo said I could pick any animal I want and keep it
11:12Ahem what did you decide on could someone pass me a napkin
11:16A tea cup piglet
11:18Yeah I don't see what the fuss is about this guy
11:20Okay probably time for Mertz to be hitting the old dusty trail
11:24No can do I am not leaving you guys with all these dishes
11:28That's sort of my thing
11:29Since when?
11:30Since when?
11:30Let him clean up if he wants
11:32I torched the casserole dish it's gonna need a hero
11:36All right you got into my house you won over my family congratulations
11:40Now you can use it all to stab me in the heart that's the plan right?
11:44There's no plan Steve God's plan maybe something shifted inside me on that ride something more than my elbow popping
11:53out
11:53Well I don't buy the act I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in debt to the guy
11:57who gave me a swirly in a toilety upper decked
12:00Steve I don't think you understand I'm in debt to you for the first time in my life
12:05I like who I am you saved me and I can't wait to tell the whole world about it tomorrow
12:11Wh-what's tomorrow?
12:13You didn't hear? Buddy we're gonna be on morning mimosa
12:16Hmm show the world who you truly are you say
12:20I didn't but I love when you put words in my mouth gives my tongue a rest
12:27Look babe I got you a goat
12:29Who's that? I don't know that goat
12:31It's a goat like you like
12:34Oh wow
12:35Okay now I'm starting to see what's going on here
12:38Hayley likes goats any goat will do is that about right?
12:41I don't understand
12:42Yeah well everything's coming into focus for me
12:45I'm achieving a level of clarity about you now
12:48Did I do something wrong?
12:50Get out of here and take whatever it is you think this is with you
12:54The goat
12:55Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff
12:58That went so sideways in there
13:01What the hell did you do?
13:04Stop saying that
13:08Welcome back from our boot and rally intermission sponsored by Fruit Stripe Gum
13:13Fruit Stripe Gum for when you need your mouth to be as fresh as a zebra
13:17Our producer Charlie is telling me our guests are the carnival hero and the boy he saved
13:24So tell us are you as worried as me that every car is clay colored now?
13:30Uh...
13:31Sure in fact there's not much I don't worry about Suze
13:34Yes you look like a worrier
13:37Guilty I'm a bit of a wuss
13:40I have this fun little thing I like to do that helps me
13:44It's incredibly earnest and vulnerable
13:47Do you all want to see it?
13:51Please don't
13:53Steven Anita Smith
13:56My middle name is Anita
13:57You are cool
13:59Cool as a big firm cucumber
14:05Calm and cool
14:07Probably the coolest of all the fruits
14:10The King Cuc-
14:13Gotcha
14:14Oh my God I'm so sorry
14:17I don't know why I did that
14:19No I feel it too
14:20I want...
14:21I want to stuff him somewhere small
14:23His place
14:24Yes!
14:25I want to put him in his place
14:27In his place!
14:29In his place!
14:31Stop!
14:31I don't mean to silence women
14:33But where you look at Steve and see a four-eyed weenie
14:37I see a guy with the courage to try to change
14:40And in the end isn't that what we all really want?
14:44To be better versions of ourselves?
14:46To be more like Steve?
14:51You son of a bitch!
14:53Ow!
14:53My arm!
14:54Show!
14:55Death!
14:56You're!
14:57Ah!
14:57Bully!
14:58Free for all!
15:07Ah!
15:08Ah!
15:08Snot's basement!
15:09My safe place!
15:11Figuratively!
15:12The radon actually makes it pretty dangerous to spend much time down here
15:15Are you okay?
15:16We saw the show
15:17No, but I will be
15:19Thanks for doing this emergency sleepover
15:21You guys might be the only ones immune to the Mertz mania
15:25Hey guys!
15:26Sorry I'm late!
15:27Pizza Overlord keeps giving me pizzas
15:30I hope it's okay that I brought some
15:32Yum yum yum!
15:33I'm fat!
15:34Is that what you all want me to say?
15:36You invited Mertz?
15:38Steve!
15:39He said some beautiful things about you on Morning Mimosa
15:42I think he's being sincere
15:44And the Steve we saw on the show
15:47That wasn't you
15:49We thought the real Steve would want the chance to apologize
15:53No way!
15:54I'm not apologizing to that douche nozzle
15:57Too far Steve
15:59We've always believed the carnival is an opportunity to change who you are
16:04Why can't you accept that's also true for Mertz?
16:07Because I didn't change
16:08I tried and I couldn't
16:11And if I can't then this monster doesn't deserve to
16:17Wrong Steve
16:18You did change
16:19I did?
16:20For the worse!
16:25Look what I've done to your game
16:27I'll just go
16:29Enjoy the pies
16:31No!
16:32Mertz!
16:33Stay!
16:34Steve!
16:34You go!
16:35Me?
16:36Look what you've become Steve!
16:39Get out!
16:42Ooh Mertz!
16:44We all love you
16:46And your idiot broken arm Mertz
16:52Kiss my baby Mertz!
16:54Now kiss me Mertz!
16:56Now let's all kiss at the same time on Steve's stupid grave!
17:01Steve!
17:02I got worried when it started raining!
17:04Hop in!
17:05Stop kissing everyone!
17:06What?
17:09Whoa!
17:10Is it raining?
17:12I love my job!
17:14Leave me alone!
17:15I can't!
17:16I never forget myself if something happened to you!
17:20Oop!
17:21Gotta blot that before it stains!
17:23I got napkins here somewhere!
17:26Look!
17:26Maybe you have changed!
17:28Maybe you're a completely different person!
17:30But that doesn't change the fact that I hate you!
17:32And I hate that I'm gonna be an afterthought to you the rest of my life!
17:37Back in the seat!
17:40Almost ready to look out the windshield again!
17:42Where my eye drops at!
17:45Oh!
17:49Ah!
17:53Ah!
17:53Ah!
17:54Ooh!
17:55That was good!
18:01Dad?
18:02Oh, Steve!
18:03We were so worried!
18:04Are you naked?
18:06Yes, your mother prefers when I dress like this!
18:09My arms!
18:10I can't believe I got the correct goat!
18:13I believe!
18:14I always believed!
18:15And now it doesn't matter if no one else understands!
18:18I understand a little!
18:19Oh, really, Jeff?
18:21What part exactly?
18:27Don't feel bad for him!
18:28This is what he does!
18:30And I've given up on the carnival circuit!
18:32Kicked out, really, for hygiene reasons!
18:34Gotta keep my eyes peeled for something less buttoned up than carny life!
18:38And is that Klaus?
18:40Timing will be of the essence!
18:41While Sergei is clogging the filter, it'll be up to me to open the window so Beth can catapult Pierre
18:46to freedom!
18:48Oh, my God, guys!
18:49That's my family!
18:51Get me out of here!
18:52Are you good to leave?
18:53Seemed like you're in the middle of something.
18:55An escape plan for the clownfish.
18:56It's fine.
18:57I wasn't crucial.
19:01Wonderful!
19:02You're awake!
19:03You're very lucky you made it!
19:05A certain hero got you here in the nick of time!
19:08Oh, no!
19:11Oops!
19:12Wrong curtain!
19:13The truck driver's in pretty rough shape!
19:17Lucky, too, that Mertz was a donor match!
19:19Okay, everyone.
19:21That's visiting hour.
19:22Steve needs rest.
19:25Mertz!
19:25You can do whatever you like!
19:28Come by the parking lot when you're done and I'll smoke you out.
19:32They gave me this jello for giving blood and I figured you could use it more.
19:37I've got a spoon here somewhere.
19:40I guess I owe you an apology.
19:42You really have changed.
19:44Into my belt?
19:46Oh!
19:46You noticed my little trophy, huh?
19:48It's for defeating you completely.
19:51What?
19:52I was being honest when I said you changed me, Smith.
19:55You unlocked a whole new form of torture I didn't know was in me.
19:59I call it long-form bullying.
20:03You're not even hurt.
20:04Right?
20:05And we're the only ones who will ever know.
20:08I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
20:13Oh!
20:14There's that spoon.
20:15Oh, that's ripe.
20:18Hope this doesn't overpower your white grape jello.
20:21It's a delicate taste.
20:24No!
20:32You wanted to see me, detectives?
20:34We need you to take a look at something.
20:38Am I supposed to know him?
20:40The truck driver who hit you 50 years ago.
20:43The guy who made you more metal than me.
20:45I'm no filthy bot!
20:47Easy!
20:48Easy!
20:48Our future technology has allowed us to do a retinal scan on cadavers and see everything they've ever seen.
20:55Show them, Kyle.
20:59I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
21:04All your complaints over the years and you were right all along.
21:08On behalf of the Langley Acid Falls Police Department, we want to issue an unofficial apology.
21:16Wait, unofficial?
21:18We can't ever let this footage leak.
21:20It'd cause global instability and threaten the reputation of the United States President.
21:26President Mertz.
21:27Man, I'd love to get a belt like his.
21:30Ah, so cool.
21:32Bye!
21:33Have a beautiful time!
21:39jullie gesè¿«!
21:39We are not really short!
21:39We are short and ...
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