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00:03Good morning USA
00:06I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:09The sun in the sky has a smile on his face
00:13And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19Oh boy, it's swell to say
00:22Good morning USA
00:25Good morning USA
00:32You are cool
00:34Cool as a cucumber
00:36A cucumber doesn't want, it doesn't fear
00:40It just is
00:41Everyone come quick, Steve is doing something
00:44I'm psyching myself up for the Langley Church Carnival
00:47Take this with a grain of salt
00:48Because I've never been to this fair
00:50And this is the first I'm hearing of it
00:51You're not ready
00:52The Church Carnival closes the summer social calendar
00:55It's a chance to reinvent yourself
00:57Right before school starts again
00:59And you're going as, what did you say, a pickle?
01:02Your trolling would have gotten to the old Steve
01:04But new me is easy and or breezy
01:07I've been very patient, please talk about the belt now
01:10It's the centerpiece to the new me
01:12Gives me the confidence of a cucumber
01:15Famously the most confident of all the penis shaped foods
01:20Ready to go, Steve?
01:21Whoa, I'm loving the new braided centerpiece
01:24You guys are doing this fair thing, too?
01:26Carnival, and yes
01:27It's the perfect opportunity to reset who you are before the school year
01:31If it goes well
01:32It goes wrong sometimes
01:36Haley had a bad carnival last summer
01:38Derailed her whole year
01:40She developed an unhealthy bond with a goat in the petting zoo
01:44They caught her trying to, uh, to lure it away into a port-a-potty
01:48Are you guys talking about the goat again?
01:50Let it go!
01:51You freaked everyone out!
01:53He needed to be alone!
01:54With me!
01:55This fair sounds incredible!
01:57Everyone get in the car right freaking now!
01:59Well, it doesn't start for a few hours
02:01Wow!
02:02I can't stop learning things about this fair!
02:07I can't do it
02:09This Henley was a mistake
02:10Look how much chest I'm just giving away for free
02:13Be honest
02:14Is it slutty?
02:15Honestly?
02:16Yes
02:16But in a way that really sings
02:19If anything, I'm worried about my bold lip
02:22Is it?
02:22Absolutely perfect!
02:23Yes
02:24Those lips belong in Paris or on a motorcycle
02:27I can't wait to see them drop like a curtain on a bunch of fried pickles
02:30Oh, Stan!
02:32Mm, mm, mm
02:34Right
02:35I've watched 16 hours of YouTube videos on how to beat every rigged game here
02:39Those carny fat cats have had it too good for too long
02:43And I am gonna have a normal time
02:45I'm certainly not going anywhere near the port-a-potties
02:48Or the petting zoo
02:49You're literally acting insane about this
02:51Can we just forget about the goat?
02:53I have
02:54I bet he wouldn't even recognize me anyway
02:55I mean, I've grown a bunch
02:57Has he grown?
02:58I don't care!
02:59And I've got my cucumber thing
03:01Or wait, was that Steve's?
03:03I will also be a cucumber
03:07Whoa, Steve!
03:08Nice belt!
03:09Thanks!
03:10That flamenco fingernail is nothing to sneeze at either
03:13This?
03:14Oh, no
03:14My new thing is gonna be cocaine
03:16So what do we do first?
03:18Check out the rides?
03:19The girls?
03:20The women?
03:22This year, I'm easy-peasy-steezy
03:24I'm even willing to ride
03:25The big kid rides
03:27Are you sure?
03:28Snot, look at my belt
03:30The new Steve is ready for anything
03:32That's great news
03:33Because there's a new ride this year
03:35That's supposed to be nuts
03:37There is?
03:39Satan's tantrum
03:47Very cool
03:48But what's the rush, right?
03:51Let's get some funnel cake first
03:53Stop hitting yourself!
03:56Steve, help me!
03:59Smith!
04:00I was just thinking about how I'd like to hit you with this
04:03I got a cricket leg in my funnel cake last year
04:06Let's hit that ride
04:07What about Billy?
04:08Billy might have been the aggressor here
04:09We came in late
04:11Now the trick here is the backspe-
04:13Hey, watch it!
04:15Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
04:16I'm not a prize to be won
04:18Help!
04:18I'm being trafficked!
04:20Probably for sex!
04:21Wait, is it for sex?
04:23No
04:23Okay, yeah
04:24Then help!
04:28The best part is
04:30It wasn't even built by a ride architect
04:32Then who made it?
04:33A guy
04:35After he built it
04:36He was committed to an insane asylum
04:39Are pieces supposed to be falling off like that?
04:44Nobody knows!
04:45That's what makes it great!
04:47Step on the scale, boy
04:48And get this
04:50No height requirement
04:51Just a weight requirement
04:53The guy was absolutely mental
04:56What happens if you don't weigh enough?
04:58You fly out!
05:03Huh, he's not heavy enough
05:05But Toshi's smaller than me
05:07I can't ride the ride
05:11I can't ride the ride!
05:15Enjoy the hell out of it, boys
05:16I'm gonna try to cool off
05:18In the mirror maze
05:19I got it!
05:21Hi, I'm a little late to the game
05:23On this fair thing
05:24But I'm loving what I'm seeing
05:25From you carnies
05:26Doing drugs in the open
05:27Having filthy hay sex
05:29While your teeth drop out
05:30I'll do anything to work here
05:32You're hired
05:34Fantastic!
05:35I need the first two weeks off
05:41Hey, big guy
05:42Close shave out there
05:44Satan's tantrum was a curveball
05:46It's okay to be scared
05:47You're still King Kuke
05:53Mertz!
05:54Wow!
05:55What in the candy-ass hell
05:57Did I just stumble on?
05:58Oh, no
05:59I can't control myself
06:01When I see a wuss being this vulnerable
06:04My body just has to bully
06:07Good luck catching the real me
06:09I know this place like the back of my
06:12This is exciting
06:13I wonder what my body's gonna do to you
06:17I know my rights
06:19I am allowed to sing to the goat
06:21You're a cucumber!
06:22You're a cucumber!
06:23Now, listen
06:24He's a flight risk
06:28Hot damn!
06:29Welcome to hell, boy
06:31No, please!
06:32Somebody stop him!
06:39What are you doing?
06:40I told you
06:41I don't know
06:42But whatever happens
06:43Is your fault
06:44King Kuke
07:07Steve!
07:09I got you!
07:09Next on Greg's Goodies
07:11I'll be trying
07:12The famous twice-fried corn dogs
07:14A real news story
07:18And at the carnival
07:19My school year is set
07:23Ooh, you are so dead
07:30Everyone saw that
07:32Assault
07:33Attempted murder
07:34And worst of all
07:35Misleading an innocent carny
07:37I know what your body's gonna do next
07:39Go straight to jail
07:44We'll see if we can get a word from the hero himself
07:47Hang on
07:48And hang on he did
07:49To you
07:50What was going through your mind up there?
07:52Nothing
07:53I just did it
07:54Inspiring words
07:56And what's new about me is the bono tie
08:03And at the height of Satan's tantrum
08:05Mertz
08:06Clear-eyed and cool
08:08And Steve
08:10The sniveling nerd
08:12Unchanged by the miracle of the carnival
08:14Wearing pink hot boxers
08:16Like a cartoon sea captain
08:17Whose pants are ripped open by an alligator
08:19Can't say I love the way I'm being depicted
08:21I gotta set the record straight
08:23Mertz is no hero
08:24It's his fault I was even on that death trap
08:28What?
08:29It's just he did save your life
08:31Criticizing Mertz now might come across as ungrateful
08:36Dare I say uncool
08:39He's tormented us our entire lives
08:42Barry, he gorilla glued your boobs together
08:44You had to have surgery
08:46We know that
08:47But I think Barry's right
08:48You gotta let this blow over
08:50On the bright side
08:51He hasn't bullied any of us today
08:53True
08:54I don't miss the usual
08:55Back to school butt crack wet willy
08:57Maybe you're right
08:58Maybe this will all die down in a few days
09:01A key to the city
09:03Is the greatest honor Langley Falls
09:05Can bestow upon a citizen
09:07Though in truth
09:09It opens very little
09:11The holes simply aren't big enough
09:13I've found
09:14And so to you Mertz
09:17We offer this key
09:18Thank you for not forcing me to cancel the carnival because of a death
09:22Thank you
09:24But the truth is
09:25I'm no hero
09:27That's a thing a hero would say
09:29I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of
09:32I used to pray on the weak
09:33Steve in particular
09:35For the record that was the old Steve
09:37If I can draw your attention to my belt for a moment
09:40But saving him awoken me a desire to do good
09:43Now I get up each day and try to be the person all of you believe I am already
09:49Thank you
09:51I wasn't supposed to be on that ride
09:53And for the other boy
09:55Zane's department store has graciously donated a pack of less embarrassing underwear
10:00For the love of...
10:02My underwear is fine!
10:04No!
10:05They're the underwear of a foppish captain who gets his pants ripped open by a hungry alligator!
10:11I've seen that one!
10:12What was it called?
10:14Meet me by the stage
10:15Everyone else go home!
10:18Francine, your makeup
10:19People are gonna think we skipped this thing to have sex in the car
10:22Especially the people who saw us doing it
10:24Can we go now?
10:26Mertz!
10:26We never had a chance to say a proper thank you for what you did for Steve
10:29I'd shake your hand but I haven't washed mine and I, uh, just did something cool
10:35Do you have dinner plans tonight?
10:37I was gonna have a quiet night in
10:39Dang, he's booked up, let's go
10:41Come to our house for dinner
10:42It's the least we can do
10:44Wow
10:45Okay, thank you
10:47Dad, no
10:48He once did an entire history report on the agrarian tradition of plowing mom
10:54Great, you'll never want to talk about the stuff I'm interested in
10:59So Mertz, what kind of doors are open to you now that you're a celebrity?
11:03I bet you could get on Raya easy
11:05Everyone's been so generous
11:07The petting zoo said I could pick any animal I want and keep it
11:12Ahem, what did you decide on?
11:14Could someone pass me a napkin?
11:16A teacup piglet
11:17Yeah, I don't see what the fuss is about this guy
11:20Okay, probably time for Mertz to be hitting the old dusty trail
11:24No can do, I am not leaving you guys with all these dishes
11:28That's sort of my thing
11:29Since when?
11:39Let him clean up if he wants
11:44There's no plan, Steve
11:46God's plan, maybe
11:47Something shifted inside me on that ride
11:50Something more than my elbow popping out
11:53Well, I don't buy the act
11:54I'm not going to spend the rest of my life in debt to the guy who gave me a swirly
11:58in a toilet he upper decked
12:00Steve, I don't think you understand
12:02I'm in debt to you
12:03For the first time in my life, I like who I am
12:07You saved me
12:08And I can't wait to tell the whole world about it tomorrow
12:11What's tomorrow?
12:13You didn't hear?
12:14Buddy, we're going to be on morning mimosa
12:16Hmm, show the world who you truly are, you say
12:20I didn't, but I love when you put words in my mouth
12:24Gives my tongue a rest
12:27Look, babe, I got you a goat
12:29Who's that? I don't know that goat
12:31It's a goat, like you like
12:34Oh, wow
12:35Okay, now I'm starting to see what's going on here
12:38Hayley likes goats, any goat will do
12:40Is that about right?
12:41I don't understand
12:42Yeah, well, everything's coming into focus for me
12:45I'm achieving a level of clarity about you now
12:48Did I do something wrong?
12:50Get out of here
12:51And take whatever it is you think this is with you
12:54The goat
12:55Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff
12:56Just go, honey
12:56Go
12:59That went so sideways in there
13:01What the hell did you do?
13:03Nah
13:04Stop saying that
13:08Welcome back from our boot and rally intermission
13:11Sponsored by Fruit Stripe Gum
13:13Fruit Stripe Gum
13:14For when you need your mouth to be as fresh as a zebra
13:17Our producer Charlie is telling me
13:20Our guests are the carnival hero and the boy he saved
13:24So tell us
13:25Are you as worried as me that every car is clay colored now?
13:30Uh
13:30Sure
13:31In fact, there's not much I don't worry about, Suze
13:34Yes, you look like a worrier
13:37Guilty, I'm a bit of a wuss
13:41I have this fun little thing I like to do that helps me
13:44It's incredibly earnest and vulnerable
13:47Do you all want to see it?
13:51Please don't
13:54Steven Anita Smith
13:56My middle name is Anita
13:57You are cool
13:59Cool as a big, firm cucumber
14:05Calm and cool
14:07Probably the coolest of all the fruits
14:10The king cucumber
14:12Gotcha
14:14Oh my god, I'm so sorry
14:17I don't know why I did that
14:19No, I feel it too
14:20I want
14:20I want to stuff him somewhere small
14:23His place
14:24Yes
14:24I want to put him in his place
14:27In his place
14:29In his place
14:30Stop
14:31I don't mean to silence women
14:33But where you look at Steve
14:35And see a four-eyed weenie
14:37I see a guy with the courage to try to change
14:40And in the end
14:42Isn't that what we all really want?
14:44To be better versions of ourselves?
14:46To be more like Steve?
14:51You son of a bitch!
14:53Ow, my arm!
14:54Show that you're a bully!
14:58Free for all!
15:08Ah, Snot's basement
15:09My safe place
15:11Figuratively
15:12The radon actually makes it pretty dangerous
15:14To spend much time down here
15:15Are you okay?
15:16We saw the show
15:17No
15:18But I will be
15:19Thanks for doing this emergency sleepover
15:21You guys might be the only ones immune
15:23To the Mertz mania
15:25Hey guys
15:26Sorry I'm late
15:27Pizza Overlord keeps giving me pizzas
15:30I hope it's okay that I brought some
15:32Yum, yum, yum
15:33I'm fat
15:34Is that what you all want me to say?
15:36You invited Mertz?
15:38Steve
15:39He said some beautiful things about you on Morning Mimosa
15:42I think he's being sincere
15:44And the Steve we saw on the show
15:47That wasn't you
15:49We thought the real Steve would want the chance to apologize
15:53No way!
15:54I'm not apologizing to that douche nozzle
15:57Too far, Steve
15:59We've always believed the carnival is an opportunity to change who you are
16:04Why can't you accept that's also true for Mertz?
16:07Because I didn't change
16:08I tried
16:09And I couldn't
16:11And if I can't
16:12Then this monster doesn't deserve to
16:17Wrong, Steve
16:18You did change
16:19I did?
16:20For the worst!
16:22For the worst!
16:25Look what I've done to your game
16:27I'll just go
16:29Enjoy the pies
16:31No!
16:32Mertz, stay
16:33Steve, you go
16:35Me?
16:36Look what you've become, Steve
16:39Get out!
16:42Ooh, Mertz
16:44We all love you
16:46And your idiot broken arm, Mertz
16:52Kiss my baby, Mertz
16:54Now kiss me, Mertz
16:56Now let's all kiss at the same time
16:58On Steve's stupid grave
17:01Steve, I got worried when it started raining
17:04Hop in
17:04Stop kissing everyone
17:06What?
17:09Whoa, is it raining?
17:12I love my job
17:14Leave me alone
17:15I can't
17:16I'd never forget myself if something happened to you
17:19Oop, gotta blot that before it stains
17:23I got napkins here somewhere
17:25Look, maybe you have changed
17:28Maybe you're a completely different person
17:30But that doesn't change the fact that I hate you
17:32And I hate that I'm gonna be an afterthought to you the rest of my life
17:37Back in the seat
17:39Almost ready to look out the windshield again
17:42Where my eye drops at
17:45Ah!
17:47Ah!
17:48Ah!
17:49Ah!
17:50Ah!
17:50Ah!
17:51Ah!
17:51Ah!
17:54Whew!
17:55That was...
18:01Dad?
18:02Oh, Steve!
18:03We were so worried!
18:04Are you naked?
18:06Yes, your mother prefers when I dress like this
18:08My arms...
18:10I can't
18:11Believe I got the correct goat?
18:13I believe
18:14I always believed
18:15And now it doesn't matter if no one else understands
18:17I understand a little
18:19Oh, really, Jeff?
18:21What part exactly?
18:27Don't feel bad for him.
18:28This is what he does!
18:30And I've given up on the carnival circuit.
18:32Kicked out, really, for hygiene reasons.
18:34Gotta keep my eyes peeled for something less buttoned up than carny life.
18:38And is that Klaus?
18:40Timing will be of the essence.
18:41While Sergei is clogging the filter, it'll be up to me to open the window so Beth can catapult Pierre
18:46to freedom.
18:48Oh my God, guys! That's my family!
18:51Get me out of here!
18:52Are you good to leave? Seemed like you're in the middle of something.
18:55An escape plan for the clownfish. It's fine. I wasn't crucial.
19:01Wonderful. You're awake. You're very lucky you made it.
19:05A certain hero got you here in the nick of time.
19:08Oh no.
19:11Oops. Wrong curtain. The truck driver's in pretty rough shape.
19:17Lucky, too, that Mertz was a donor match.
19:19Okay, everyone. That's visiting hour. Steve needs rest.
19:25Mertz, you can do whatever you like.
19:28Come by the parking lot when you're done and I'll smoke you out.
19:32They gave me this jello for giving blood and I figured you could use it more. I've got a spoon
19:38here somewhere.
19:39I guess I owe you an apology. You really have changed. Into my belt?
19:45Oh, you notice my little trophy, huh? It's for defeating you completely.
19:51What?
19:52I was being honest when I said you changed me, Smith. You unlocked a whole new form of torture I
19:58didn't know was in me.
19:59I call it long-form bullying.
20:03You're not even hurt.
20:04Right? And we're the only ones who will ever know. I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
20:13Oh, there's that spoon.
20:15Oh, that's ripe. Hope this doesn't overpower your white grape jello. It's a delicate taste.
20:32You wanted to see me, detectives?
20:34We need you to take a look at something.
20:38Am I supposed to know him?
20:40The truck driver who hit you 50 years ago. The guy who made you more metal than me.
20:45I'm no filthy bot!
20:47Easy, easy.
20:48Our future technology has allowed us to do a retinal scan on cadavers and see everything they've ever seen.
20:55Show them, Kyle.
20:59I saved your life so I could ruin it, Smith.
21:04All your complaints over the years and you were right all along.
21:09On behalf of the Langley Acid Falls Police Department, we want to issue an unofficial apology.
21:16Wait, unofficial?
21:18We can't ever let this footage leak.
21:20It would cause global instability and threaten the reputation of the United States President.
21:26President Mertz.
21:27Man, I'd love to get a belt like his.
21:30Ah, so cool.
21:32Bye, have a beautiful time.
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