- 2 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:20¡SuscrÃbete al canal!
00:30...has more to say about what you're eating.
00:37Texas Man loses big on Jeopardy.
00:40By the way, what kind of freak even knows Stalin's birthday?
00:45I don't know it, and I don't care to know it.
00:47Trump continues evading Epstein questions.
00:58On Amber's team tonight, he's a comedian, podcaster, and author
01:01who you can catch on this season of The Pit.
01:04I'm going to get him to check out this rash I got on my neck
01:06during the commercial break.
01:07It's Moshe Kasher.
01:13And joining Michael, she's a comedian, writer, and actress
01:17who hosts the podcast Parenting is a Joke.
01:19She's also Canadian, so that means she can get me a deal
01:24on some backbaking in Sofia Eisenberg.
01:27I got you. I got you.
01:29Now for the biggest stories of the week.
01:32Let's play the feud.
01:33Everybody, watch the clip.
01:34Tell me, what is the story?
01:37That's the Italian flag.
01:39That's wet, man.
01:40Oh, straight up Hormuz.
01:42Oh, that's expensive.
01:43That's expensive.
01:44Yeah.
01:45What's the story?
01:45We're living in hell?
01:47Yeah.
01:48The story is the war in Iran.
01:50The administration is selling it,
01:52but is anybody buying it is the bigger question.
01:54Now, I think we can all agree that the best option
01:56is to not have a war,
01:58but as the great Slim Charles said on the wire,
02:01once you in it, you in it.
02:03Mm-hmm.
02:04So question to the American government,
02:07how's that timeline thing going?
02:09President Trump also telling Time Magazine this week
02:12that, quote, I have no time limits on anything.
02:15President Trump told CBS News, quote,
02:17I think the war is very complete, pretty much.
02:19We won.
02:20We won the best.
02:20In the first hour, it was over.
02:22When it's over.
02:23And I don't think it's going to be long.
02:24When are you going to know when it's over?
02:26When I feel it.
02:28Okay.
02:28I feel it in my bones.
02:29It seems as though we've moved away from weeks
02:31and just onto vibes.
02:33It is.
02:33War is vibes.
02:34Everybody knows that famous quote.
02:36Is that also from the wire?
02:37No, that's not from the wire.
02:39So now, the administration says that there's only one person
02:42that's in charge of calling the shots on this war.
02:44Who is that person?
02:45Netanyahu.
02:47The ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.
02:52If he's dead.
02:53If he's dead.
02:54The person that's making the decisions
02:56is actually the exact person you wish it wasn't.
02:59The president has set a very specific mission to accomplish.
03:02And so it's not for me to posit whether it's the beginning,
03:05the middle, or the end.
03:06I love wet man.
03:07That man just is so drenched at all times.
03:12Is he doing drugs and it's just making him a juicy boy?
03:16Every day.
03:18What a wet man.
03:20I'll tell you what.
03:20When I watch him speak, I turn into a juicy boy as well.
03:25Are you saying that our secretary of war does like 40 burpees before every press conference
03:30and it just comes out and just check them reddit?
03:33And then he shadow boxes and does a lot of like,
03:35you are a defense secretary.
03:38You are.
03:41How are Republicans as a whole feeling about the war, gang?
03:45Nobody wants this war.
03:47Well, except...
03:48Netanyahu.
03:49Yeah, that's right.
03:50Nobody's into it.
03:51Nobody.
03:51The Republicans are gone.
03:52The Democrats were never there.
03:53Who is this for?
03:55According to White House press secretary Caroline Levitt,
03:57said, quote, Republicans are unanimously supportive of President Trump's bold decision
04:02to launch combat operations.
04:05Ah, yes.
04:06The only thing Republicans are unanimous about is that they hate taxes and they hate good
04:11haircuts.
04:14Is it true that the Republicans are unanimous in supporting this war?
04:18Is what Caroline Levitt is saying?
04:19Is that the right thing?
04:20Well, she's always told the truth.
04:22That's right.
04:22Yeah, she's...
04:23I haven't seen a lot of Republicans coming out like full-throated.
04:26I should rephrase that.
04:27I haven't seen a lot of Republicans.
04:29One Republican that has been coming out, um, in full support...
04:34Yes!
04:36...is, uh, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.
04:39What do you mean you ain't got no more mint and juleps?
04:42Lindsey Graham has been salivating for war with Iran for years, and now that it's happening,
04:47oh, boy, he's happy, and he's got no time for people who disagree with him.
04:51So we have a commander-in-chief in President Trump who I think is Ronald Reagan plus, plus,
04:56If President Trump had not done this, they could have had a nuclear capability within
05:01months, uh, weeks, not months.
05:03To all those who don't believe that, you're stupid.
05:06You're a fool.
05:07He's just like the president who had Alzheimer's plus, plus, plus.
05:14What is President Trump now calling the military action in Iran?
05:19It's a rondelay.
05:21Is it a jaunt with missiles?
05:25That's a pretty solid base.
05:27I think I do know.
05:28Is it an excursion?
05:30Wait.
05:30Oh!
05:32It's just a little excursion, baby.
05:35Just a few missiles, baby.
05:36Why are you tripping?
05:37And the president makes it perfectly clear that he has his priorities in order.
05:41We did a little excursion.
05:43We had to take this little couple of weeks, few weeks of excursion, but it's been incredible.
05:49Our military is unbelievable, the job they're doing.
05:52So we had to take an excursion, but it's doing well.
05:56The market's holding up well.
05:57You just said it is a little excursion, and you said it is a war.
06:01So which one is it?
06:03Well, it's both.
06:04Did you see how many times he circled back to say excursion?
06:08He's really trying to get it to take.
06:10Loves that word.
06:11Well, when you're going through late stage dementia, certain things get stuck in your brain on a loop.
06:16I'm sorry.
06:16I'm sorry.
06:17I didn't mean to offend anyone here.
06:19Our audience all has late stage dementia.
06:24The Merriam-Webster definition of excursion, a usually brief pleasure trip.
06:31Oh, my God.
06:32Oh, my God.
06:34Where's the pleasure part of this excursion?
06:36You didn't see Lindsey Graham in that talking head.
06:39He seemed like he's having extreme pleasure right now.
06:42But it's also like, whatever, improv, right?
06:45Yes, and?
06:45He just yes, ands them in this grand circle.
06:48It's like, well, thank you.
06:49It is both.
06:51You are brilliant.
06:52Oh, yeah, excursion and a war.
06:54That's it.
06:55How is the war actually going?
06:57No matter how much we bomb them, Iran has control of a very, very important piece of geography within the
07:05region.
07:05What are they in control of over?
07:07The Hard Rock Cafe Tehran.
07:11What piece of geography is Iran in control of?
07:16The Strait of Hormuz.
07:17The dire Straits of Hormuz.
07:19It is the Strait of Hormuz.
07:21Seen there, trying to just put the tip in.
07:24Roy.
07:25Roy.
07:27We have to look at it.
07:28Put the picture back up.
07:29It looked like it's throwing it back.
07:31Yeah.
07:31You want me to put it out?
07:32The Strait is one of the most important energy choke points.
07:36One-fifth of all crude oil flows through the...
07:39That's why Lindsey Graham likes it.
07:40It's a choke point.
07:41Now I get it.
07:44Here's the spokesman for Iran's military command.
07:47We will never allow even a single liter of oil to pass through the Strait of Hormuz for the benefit
07:52of the United States, the Zionists, or their partners.
08:24I did not think he sounded like that.
08:25On Tuesday, it was reported that Iran was laying mines in the Strait.
08:31Trump was quick to address this news, posting on Truth Social, quote,
08:36If Iran has put out any mines in the Strait of Hormuz, we want them removed immediately.
08:42If for any reason mines were placed and they were not removed forthwith, the military consequences to Iran will be
08:49at a level never seen before.
08:52Oh, shit.
08:53New Trump truth just dropped.
08:56General.
08:57General.
08:58Ebrahim, pick up the mines.
09:00We got to do it forthwith.
09:05Between Iranian mines and American strikes, the Strait has become extremely dangerous and is now described as Death Valley.
09:12Knowing all of this, the president says the Strait of Hormuz is open for business.
09:18He spoke to reporters at the White House on Wednesday, but before we get to what he said, please check
09:23out this photo from the impromptu press briefing.
09:26Whoa.
09:27Yeah, there's a honey-baked president right there, boy.
09:32The makeup is shrieking from his eye.
09:34You see that?
09:35He sweats so much, all of a sudden, he's like, it's me, Jeffrey Epstein.
09:40Here's Trump's advice for ships in the Strait of Hormuz.
09:44Are you talking to CEOs of various oil companies encouraging them to use the Strait of Hormuz right now?
09:51Yeah, I think they should.
09:52I think they should.
09:53I think they should use it.
09:55What?
09:55Yeah, what could happen?
09:55Go ahead.
09:56Get on it.
09:57Why not?
09:57It's going like this.
09:59Iran repeatedly attacking the flow of Middle East oil.
10:02At least six ships targeted in the last 24 hours.
10:05Overnight, two oil tankers hit off southern Iraq.
10:08Video circulating online showing one of them ablaze.
10:11President Trump still sounding optimistic, claiming the vital Strait of Hormuz is in, quote,
10:16great shape.
10:17Yes, that shape is a mushroom cloud.
10:23Now, obviously, the violence and uncertainty is impacting gas prices, which have risen 65 cents a gallon nationwide.
10:31Panel, how high do you think gas prices are going to go before it's all over?
10:36Seven dollars.
10:37I live in California.
10:38It is seven dollars now.
10:40I know.
10:40That's right.
10:41Yeah, that's why I drive a zero-guilt vehicle, a Tesla, but, um...
10:48No, I'm kidding.
10:49I drive an oil tanker.
10:52They groan like a paternity test episode, like you, the bad dad that came out.
10:59Right now, oil costs about $100 a barrel, but Iran says we need to get ready for oil to cost
11:07$200 a barrel.
11:09So, here's Energy Secretary Chris Wright with a response.
11:12Do you agree that people need to be prepared for that?
11:17We're going through short-term energy disruption for just huge long-term gain.
11:22You're seeing Iran's behavior.
11:24Could that hit...
11:25Could short-term mean $200 a barrel?
11:29Um, could...
11:30I...
11:31I would say unlikely.
11:33I...
11:35I...
11:35That means yes, it's going up to $200 a barrel.
11:38I love it when people pretend there's a delay, you know?
11:42I mean, there was a delay in his brain.
11:46Any time anybody in this administration starts stuttering, you know you're onto some sort of
11:50essential truth.
11:51Yeah, well, it's going to be $200 a barrel.
11:53It is, and that's when we're going to stop the war, when it gets too expensive for them
11:57to continue to perpetuate this lie that this is somehow for our safety.
12:02Nobody's buying that.
12:03How do you stop it?
12:05Like, once you've started, how do you stop it?
12:08Okay, I'm going to say something controversial here.
12:10This is, uh, the best part about Donald Trump being the president.
12:16He can just be like,
12:17Daddy's done, baby!
12:19Like, he can just pull out any time he wants.
12:21Oh, yeah.
12:22But I do think that his essential instability is the off-ramp.
12:27His madness is the off-ramp that he needs.
12:30Another leader would double and triple down.
12:33I think he's going to just go,
12:34We're done.
12:35Mission accomplished.
12:36Everything's happened.
12:37But, I mean, do you think Iran stops when Trump stops?
12:40Do you think Israel stops when Trump stops?
12:42Do you think Bahrain stops?
12:44And do you think Lebanon stops?
12:45And do you think the Houthis in Yemen stop?
12:47And Russians stop?
12:48Oh, you brought in the Houthis?
12:50I had to.
12:50I love saying Houthis.
12:54Listen, I haven't game-theoried out this entire thing that I just said.
12:58Neither has Trump.
13:00Fair enough.
13:01But I do, I think everybody wants a way out.
13:03And in war, right, you're looking for an off-ramp.
13:05And I think there is no off-ramp because there was never an on-ramp.
13:08This is all the most incoherent, all war is incoherent.
13:11And this is the most incoherent one that I've ever seen.
13:14And as we know, day one, they killed Khomeini, right?
13:17And as we know as comedians, you don't start with your closer or you're going to bomb.
13:23With oil prices $100 and climbing, what's the administration going to do to alleviate
13:30this pain at the pump?
13:32They're going to release sanctions on Russia, and they're going to empty the strategic
13:36petroleum reserves, which are already half empty.
13:39Yeah, they're half empty.
13:39It's the same person that was supposed to do that, that never fills the Brita in the
13:43fridge.
13:45I feel like you're bringing a battle from your home on this show.
13:48I have a problem with that.
13:50But they were supposed to be filled.
13:51Look, are they half empty or are they half full?
13:54I love it.
13:54That's a good point.
13:55The administration has made it easier for Russia to sell their oil, Michael, issuing a 30-day
14:02waiver that lets countries buy the Russian oil that is already at sea.
14:07Why is it particularly weird that we're helping Russia make a profit off of this war?
14:13Aren't they sharing strategic military intel with Iran?
14:18Points.
14:20Yes.
14:21The Washington Post reported that Russia is providing intelligence to Iran to help them
14:26target U.S. forces in the region.
14:30Our administration has a lot of things, but are they mad at Putin?
14:33No, not really.
14:35Do we think that the Russians have shared intelligence about the location of U.S. military
14:40assets?
14:41And if they have, why would we be giving waivers on Russian oil sanctions?
14:48Well, I'm not an intel officer, so I can't tell you.
14:52I can tell you that yesterday on the call with the president, the Russians said that they have
14:58not been sharing.
14:58That's what they said, so, you know, we can take them at their word.
15:04Putin said it.
15:04I believe it.
15:05That settles it.
15:07This whole thing is a mess.
15:09Yeah.
15:09But at least we're over there in the region for a good reason.
15:13Question to the panel.
15:14What's the reason?
15:15You remember when he went to Congress and said, this is why we have to have this war with
15:19Iran?
15:19Yeah, and he asked for permission.
15:21Yes.
15:21And he received that permission, right?
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:24They voted and they gave it.
15:25He wouldn't have launched this war if he didn't have congressional approval, obviously.
15:27Yeah, there was like a vote.
15:29Yeah, there.
15:29Yeah, okay.
15:30And then the entire world community came together and said, we also support this.
15:34We'll go.
15:35Okay.
15:35Okay, so this war started because of a dare?
15:40Caroline Levitt said it a lot better.
15:42The president said yesterday for the first time that he had to strike Iran because he believes
15:46that Iran was going to strike U.S. targets within seven days.
15:50Where is he getting that?
15:51This was a feeling the president had based on facts.
15:56Vibes, baby.
15:56I told you war is vibes.
15:59If this is feelings based on facts, question to the panel, where did Trump get his facts?
16:06From his feelings.
16:08Sort of a circle.
16:09The feelings bring the facts.
16:11The facts bring the feelings.
16:13The feelings.
16:14The facts.
16:14War.
16:15The president went to war with a little help from his friends.
16:18The situation was very quickly approaching.
16:21The point of no return and the United States found it intolerable, in my opinion, based on
16:27what Steve and Jared and Pete and others were telling me, Marco, so involved, that I thought
16:35that they were going to attack us.
16:36See?
16:37He talked to his people.
16:38Steve and Tommy and Jim and them.
16:41Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.
16:45I'm going to bomb Iran.
16:46Who cares who you like?
16:49That's a joke for four black people and Moshe.
16:52Yes.
16:55Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff were the guys in charge of the Iran negotiations in Geneva
17:00last month.
17:00They did a great job, didn't they?
17:01How about a hand for Jared and Steve, everybody?
17:04Keeping us out of war.
17:05Good job, guys.
17:06To be fair, Michael, they're real estate guys.
17:09Okay?
17:10They did the best they could.
17:12They really did.
17:13It was reported on Monday that even though nuclear experts questioned the extent to which
17:19they understood the technical details of enrichment programs, Witkoff and Kushner still did not
17:27bring any technical experts from the U.S. to sit in on their talks with Iran.
17:32This is what I'm saying.
17:33They used to pretend.
17:34They used to do theater.
17:35They'd bring the nuclear expert knowing we're going to war with them no matter what happens.
17:39They'd bring on the scientists.
17:40What do you think?
17:40Oh, he says that they were doing it.
17:42We've got a reason.
17:42The theater's done.
17:44You remember when George W. Bush trotted Colin Powell out to the U.N. with all his lies
17:48and the pictures and the missiles and the things and then all of us were like, oh, Colin Powell,
17:53he wouldn't lie to us.
17:57That was theater.
17:58We're kind of post-theater.
18:00I miss theater.
18:01Me too.
18:02And the fact that they gave Colin Powell a Tony Award for that, I thought was just
18:05great.
18:07It was a good performance, to be honest.
18:10I guess it was Rob.
18:12We'll be right back.
18:24Welcome back.
18:25It's time for the Offend-O-Meter.
18:27Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
18:31Put an offender on the screen, please.
18:34Teams, who is this offender staring into your soul?
18:39Lex Luthor.
18:41He's offended because you shut your blinds and he was looking in there.
18:47That's Judge Boesburg, I believe.
18:50Yes, it is.
18:51That is, U.S. District Court Judge James Boesburg.
18:56Yes.
18:57He does look like a Boesburg, doesn't he?
18:59Yeah.
19:00Boesburg offended U.S. attorney and unofficial brand ambassador for box wine, Judge Jeanine
19:05Carroll.
19:06She looks fine.
19:10How did Judge offend Jeanine?
19:13They were trying to prosecute Jerome Powell, who's the head of the Fed, and they were trying
19:18to indict him.
19:19I know this one.
19:20They're accusing him of fleecing the remodel of the Federal Reserve buildings and padding
19:27their profits or pimping their rides, as it were.
19:30Judge Boesburg offended Jeanine Pirro by blocking her subpoenas against Federal Reserve
19:35Chair Jerome Powell.
19:37Um, technically, the whole subpoena had a lot to do with building renovations, but if
19:42you ask Ms. Pirro to explain...
19:44I'll deal with the devil.
19:46I'll take a case from the devil.
19:49If you can give me information that will lead me to possibly find a crime.
19:57You just know she'd be so fun to get shit-faced with.
20:01It would be a good night out.
20:03It'd be so fun.
20:04Uh, here's Powell at a congressional hearing on the renovations last summer.
20:07We took down the old marble while putting it back up.
20:10We'll have to use new marble where some of the old marble broke, but there's no new...
20:14There are no special elevators.
20:16There's just...
20:16There are old elevators that have been there.
20:18Um, there are no new water features.
20:21Water features?
20:22There's no water features?
20:23Oh, no, O'Fira.
20:25I'm sorry.
20:27Since 2022, the Fed has been renovating two historic buildings in D.C.
20:31The buildings are almost 100 years old, so that means there's...
20:34There's a lot of work to do to the buildings, like making things ADA-compliant and removing
20:40asbestos and lead, but the White House says the whole thing is too expensive and extravagant
20:46and a boondoggle, with Trump's deputy chief of staff, James Blair, even calling the project
20:51at the Taj Mahal on the National Mall.
20:55Yeah, I mean, it's not like they're making a ballroom.
20:59Are the renovations too extravagant?
21:01It's ADA-compliance and asbestos and lead.
21:04Those are, like, three things Trump don't like.
21:06He's like, there is no such thing as disability, asbestos makes you stronger,
21:10and lead is a good beverage.
21:11Like, they're...
21:12Of course they're upset about it.
21:14They're the deregulation kings.
21:16Well, as of last year, the project is running about $700 million over budget,
21:22but according to Jerome Powell, that's just what fixing an old building like that costs.
21:28Uh, Jeanine Pirro's subpoenas say that Jerome lied in his testimony,
21:32but Judge Bozberg did not agree with Jeanine.
21:36What's the real reason people think Ms. Pirro subpoenaed Mr. Powell?
21:41Trump keeps wanting him to cut the interest rates, and Powell keeps saying,
21:45eh, maybe not right now, and then that's why he went after him.
21:48And so then Pirro is then sent out like a legal hit person.
21:53Yep.
21:53Okay.
21:54Here's Jerome when he was first subpoenaed back in January.
21:57The threat of criminal charges is a consequence of the Federal Reserve setting interest rates
22:02based on our best assessment of what will serve the public.
22:06Rather than following the preferences of the president.
22:08None of this is really about the renovations.
22:11In his ruling, the judge wrote, quote,
22:13There is abundant evidence that the subpoena's dominant, if not sole, purpose
22:17is to harass and pressure Powell either to yield to the president
22:21or to resign and make way for a Fed chair who will.
22:24He also added,
22:25The government has offered no evidence whatsoever that Powell committed any crime
22:30other than displeasing the president.
22:34Oh.
22:34Don't displease the king.
22:37What do we think Judge Pirro had to say about the judge's ruling?
23:09She probably said,
23:10investiga el crimen.
23:13As a result, Jerome Powell
23:15today
23:16is now bathed in immunity.
23:19Bathed in immunity.
23:21Bathed in immunity.
23:22While bathed in Botox.
23:25Yes.
23:26No matter what happens with Powell,
23:28Jeanine Pirro is going to be the one who really
23:30gets the last word.
23:31I'll tell you what's historic.
23:33What's historic is that I prosecute
23:35everything other than 10%
23:36of the cases where the United States
23:38attorney before me didn't prosecute
23:4167% of the cases.
23:43That's what's historic.
23:45I'm willing to take a not guilty.
23:47I'm willing to take a no true bill.
23:49Because I'll take all the crimes
23:51and put them in.
23:53Thank you.
23:55She definitely does have arrested by
23:56airport security at a bar vibe.
24:00You want to go out with her?
24:02No, you'll never go back to that bar again.
24:05But you will have a story
24:07for the rest of your life.
24:09Yeah, I feel like she has that moment
24:11of like, it's 1am.
24:12You want to go to the yacht?
24:13You're like, there's a yacht!
24:15You know, like that.
24:16Is Jeanine up to something more?
24:21She's performing and her performing
24:23like that has done her a lot of good.
24:25It got her where she is today.
24:27The louder she is, personally,
24:29the more fun I have.
24:30I feel like I know where Roy's going with this
24:32and I like it.
24:33Last week, Kristi Noem out on her ear.
24:36People were speculating about who's next.
24:38The name Pam Bondi keeps coming up.
24:40What's Pam Bondi?
24:42The Attorney General of the United States.
24:44You don't think Judge Jeanine is looking at Pam Bondi
24:47and going, I can do that better than you can do that?
24:50Judge Jeanine is being very emphatic about this issue
24:54and the reason why CNN's Casey Hunt has a theory.
24:57There's been some conversation around whether Jeanine Pirro
25:00is potentially a future replacement for Pam Bondi
25:03if the administration is unhappy with her.
25:08What do you plan on focusing on
25:10with the current Attorney General?
25:13Well, first, I mean, I've heard that same rumor.
25:18That would be a complete disaster.
25:20I mean, I'm not sure you'd get worse than Pam Bondi,
25:21but that might be it right there.
25:27Is Judge Jeanine worse than Pam Bondi?
25:29For comedy? No.
25:31Yeah.
25:31I have never watched Pam Bondi speak for any real length,
25:37you know, just other than clips.
25:39Let that hoe get in there.
25:40I will watch every fucking minute.
25:43Same!
25:44That was Offend-O-Meter. We'll be right back.
25:58Welcome back.
26:00It is time for Like Curious Teens.
26:03I'll give you three biographical details about a public figure,
26:06but only one is true.
26:07You have to guess which is the truth
26:08and which are sort grubby lies.
26:11Time for three facts about Trump's pick
26:13for Homeland Security Secretary
26:15and third smartest Mark Wayne in his class,
26:18Mark Wayne Bulletin.
26:21Our facts about Mark Wayne are,
26:23he builds birdhouses in his free time.
26:26He hosts a podcast where he breaks down Reacher episodes.
26:30He once owned a plumbing company.
26:33Birdhouses.
26:34All right.
26:35I don't think he builds a birdhouse.
26:36I don't think he likes birds.
26:38So do you think he owned a plumbing company?
26:40I think he owned a plumbing company.
26:41Yes, I do.
26:41All right, we're gonna go with plumbing company.
26:43He hosted Jack Reacher podcast.
26:45That just fills me with joy.
26:46I love the idea.
26:48He's like, what's up?
26:48This is Mark Wayne.
26:49I'm the head of Homeland Security.
26:51Today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies.
26:56I'm sold.
26:57We're gonna go with two.
26:58Mark Wayne Mullen once owned a plumbing company.
27:02Yeah.
27:04After high school, Mark Wayne took over his family's plumbing business
27:08and with his level of animal magnetism,
27:11obviously he had to be the face of it.
27:14Hi, I'm Mark Wayne Mullen with Mullen Plumbing,
27:16The Red Ritter.
27:17Do you have a stool that just doesn't flush right?
27:19A lot of times that's due to the water level in the tank
27:21that needs to be adjusted.
27:23It needs to be about a half inch below the Douglas valve
27:26or to where it's clearly marked as water line.
27:28Oh.
27:30Politics aside, I trust somebody who talks that fast
27:33to fix shit in my house.
27:36I've never heard a plumber describe a stubborn stool
27:39in their promotional material.
27:41You have a big fat stool that you just can't get to flush.
27:43It breaks in half, but it kind of goes onto the side
27:45and then you've got to pee it off and then it just won't go.
27:48Mark Wayne.
27:50TMI.
27:52Time for three facts about journalists
27:54and the lady who designs the Incredibles costumes,
27:58Christiane Amanpour.
28:02Aw.
28:02Our facts about this fine respected journalists are,
28:06she was former housemates with JFK Jr.
28:09She rollerblades to work.
28:11She has seen Fleetwood Mac in concert over 150 times.
28:16Which one is the truth?
28:18I'm gonna say it's number three, seen Fleetwood Mac.
28:20A hundred percent.
28:30Fleetwood Mac, yeah.
28:33Christiane, if you pay a little more,
28:35you could have the bigger bedroom.
28:37It's gotta be three.
28:39All right, we're going to Fleetwood Mac also.
28:40How about rollerblades?
28:41Well, now they said three,
28:42so now I want to go to two.
28:44Quick copy of that.
28:44No, if you're saying two, we're going three.
28:45If you're saying three, we're going two.
28:47Correct.
28:47No.
28:48We're going one.
28:51Christiane Amanpour was former housemates
28:54with JFK Jr.
28:55.
29:01Amanpour is the chief international news anchor for CNN,
29:04so she can probably afford her own house now,
29:08but back in the day in college,
29:11she needed a roommate.
29:12Here she explains.
29:13I spent two of my years at university
29:16sharing a house with him.
29:17Probably to this day, nobody really believes
29:19that John Kennedy cleaned his own toilets.
29:21He did, I'm here to tell you.
29:22Wow.
29:23Are you not like JFK Jr. and can't clean your own stools?
29:27Well, come on down.
29:28Mark Wayne Mullins, Red Roto Rooters.
29:33Does anyone know why JFK Jr. is in the news this week?
29:37Did he come back?
29:39There's a show about him and his grand love.
29:42Bonus points, you know the love?
29:43Yeah, the blonde lady.
29:45Mm-hmm.
29:46The blonde lady, Nancy Grace herself.
29:50People are talking about JFK Jr.
29:52because of the Ryan Murphy show Love Story,
29:54which details the relationship between Kennedy's son
29:58and his wife, Carolyn Bissett,
29:59and one person definitely does not like this show.
30:03Oh, is it the, um, the weird guy that says
30:06we can't take Tylenol?
30:07It's actress Daryl Hannah.
30:10What?
30:10I knew it!
30:11Yes.
30:12Earlier this month, Hannah wrote a piece in the New York Times
30:15about how furious she was
30:16about how she was portrayed in the show.
30:20And apparently it was bad enough
30:22that Hannah felt the need to say this.
30:24I have never used cocaine in my life
30:27or hosted cocaine-fueled parties.
30:29I have never pressured anyone into marriage.
30:32I have never desecrated any family heirloom
30:35or intruded upon anyone's private memorial.
30:37Wow.
30:39You gonna talk shit about America's Mermaid?
30:42Mm-hmm.
30:42Do you prefer Mermaid-era Daryl Hannah?
30:44I'm more of a Kill Bill-era.
30:46Ooh.
30:47Yeah, it's amazing.
30:49Wait a minute.
30:50That's Uma Thurman.
30:52No, she said she brought Raya in another...
30:57Oh!
30:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:00This has been Lycurious.
31:01There's more after the break.
31:13Welcome back.
31:14It is time for Meet in the Middle
31:16where we find common ground
31:17between two different people
31:19who would never be caught hanging out.
31:22All right, on one side, we have Susie Wiles,
31:24Jason Kelsey, Sean Penn, and Ken Paxton.
31:28And on the other side, there's Benny Blanco,
31:30Paul McCartney, Timothee Chalamet,
31:33and Paul Thomas Anderson.
31:35Wow.
31:35The game is afoot.
31:37Which two of these people have notoriously dirty feet?
31:41Ooh.
31:42Well, we all saw...
31:43Oh, I guess we didn't.
31:45Y'all.
31:46Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco were doing a podcast.
31:50Benny Blanco was like,
31:51y'all always clowning me because you say my feet are gross.
31:54She goes, no, they're not.
31:55Grabs his nasty foot.
31:57No.
31:57And puts both of her angelic lips on them
32:00and kisses it like this.
32:03Buddy, you could have barfed your face off.
32:06Wow.
32:07But they're in love and I think that's beautiful.
32:09Okay, so Benny Blanco, who's on the other side?
32:11Don't you think Sean Penn has the nastiest fear?
32:14Decades of a crude Malibu asphalt on his foot.
32:20By the way, either side of this is a dream blunt rotation.
32:25I want to say Chalamet.
32:27Chalamet, his dirty feet?
32:29Right?
32:29Doesn't he?
32:30His mom was the ballet dancer.
32:31That's why he hates ballet.
32:32That's why he hates ballet.
32:35Chalamet and Penn.
32:36Blanco and Penn.
32:37Benny Penny.
32:38It is Benny Blanco and Jason Kelsey.
32:42Oh.
32:43Footballer.
32:44In 2024, Jason Kelsey made waves when he tweeted, quote,
32:47What kind of weirdo washes their feet?
32:50Now, uh, Benny Blanco didn't announce his foot washing habits,
32:54but if you look really closely on his show, Friends Keep Secrets,
32:57you can tell what's going on with his foot.
33:00Let's just pretend that we're hanging out like we normally do.
33:01You never even hang out anymore.
33:02I was going to say, that's the goal.
33:04Are we going to have to pretend?
33:06His feet are like Trump's hands.
33:10Either way, it's going to bring down his WikiFeet score.
33:13That's for sure.
33:14If you don't know what WikiFeet is,
33:16WikiFeet is a website where people can rate the feet of various celebrities,
33:20question to the panel, who on this panel has the highest WikiFeet score?
33:27It's so obvious.
33:29His spine is very low.
33:30I know it's not mine.
33:31I look like a hobbit.
33:33Like...
33:33Here are the scores.
33:34Ophira Eisenberg, your rating on WikiFeet is 3.79 stars.
33:39Wow.
33:39That seems really good.
33:41Aww.
33:43Amber Ruffin, 3.82 stars.
33:48Well, that's from people who ain't seen these shits.
33:51It is busted down there.
33:53Michael Ian Black, 4.84 stars.
34:01But the WikiFeet winner on this panel, Moshe Kasher, 4.17 stars.
34:08Congratulations.
34:09Congratulations to him.
34:12I'm telling you, it's hobbit-like.
34:14It's...
34:14No!
34:15No!
34:18No!
34:20No!
34:21No!
34:22No!
34:23No!
34:23No!
34:24No!
34:25No!
34:26No!
34:26No!
34:33No!
34:34No mo-ma'ams.
34:35Which two of these people dated Lilith Fair
34:39performers?
34:40Ooh!
34:41I do know that Ken Paxson was with Ani DeFranco for a while.
34:47It seems like it's gotta be Sean Penn and Paul McCartney, right?
34:50¿Qué?
34:50¿Qué?
34:51Paul Thomas Anderson, he could easily...
34:53Oh, yeah, there we go.
34:54...that's a Lilith Fair guy right there.
34:56Totally.
34:56Paul Thomas Anderson, Sean Penn.
34:58Sean Penn and Paul Thomas Anderson...
35:01...both dated Lilith Fair performers.
35:04In addition to directing several of her music videos,
35:07Paul Thomas Anderson was in a relationship with Fiona Apple...
35:10Oh, yeah.
35:10...and Sean Penn had a secret relationship with Jewel in the mid-'90s.
35:16Whoa.
35:16When she was living in her car and was looking for a little extra poetry money?
35:22Ms. Apple has said that her relationship with Paul Thomas Anderson was not healthy,
35:27but she did credit him with helping her to quit drugs.
35:32Wow.
35:32In an interview with The New Yorker, Fiona Apple says she was inspired to quit drugs after,
35:36quote,
35:37one excruciating night with Paul at Quentin Tarantino's house,
35:42explaining, quote,
35:43every addict should just get locked in a private movie theater with QT and PTA on coke,
35:49and they'll never want to do it again.
35:53He's like, I saw you on coke, I was like, I gotta put this shit down.
35:58Let's do Beak Freaks.
36:00Which two of these people both love bird watching?
36:04Oh.
36:04Ooh.
36:04Well, these two motherfuckers are birds.
36:07Look at this face.
36:08Susie Wiles.
36:08Look at that face.
36:09Now, you can't see who I'm pointing to, but you knew exactly who I'm pointing to.
36:14All right, we know Chalamet doesn't like any of the fine arts.
36:17No.
36:18McCartney, that sounds right.
36:19McCartney, yes.
36:19We're going Paxton and McCartney.
36:21What do you think?
36:22You know, we'll go the other direction.
36:24Yeah, we say the other two people.
36:26Yep, that's right.
36:26White House chief of staff Susie Wiles and Paul McCartney are both big bird watchers.
36:32Everyone's right, it's the bird people.
36:35It's like looking in a mirror.
36:38Well, I love me, you know, so I like to watch me.
36:41Paul has a lot of references to birds and songs of his
36:45and likes to go bird watching between shows when he's on tour.
36:47Does anyone want to guess what conservative politician Susie Wiles has gone birding with?
36:53I know Dick Cheney likes to shoot people in the face when he goes birding.
36:56Right.
36:56And Matt Gaetz likes to look at younger birds.
36:59Right.
37:02Point!
37:04Shut up!
37:08It's former Florida rep Matt Gaetz.
37:12They said that the two spent time together watching the herons and the wood ducks and the woodpeckers.
37:18And that's probably not the only reason Matt Gaetz owns binoculars.
37:22Yes.
37:23The cool part is there's no age of consent in the wild.
37:29We didn't get to Ken Paxton and Timothee Chalamet, but they're both desperate for votes and they're both flirting with
37:34your mom.
37:35More after the break.
37:45Welcome back.
37:47It's time for which is higher.
37:48I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
37:51You tell me which is higher.
37:54Melania arrived on stream in earlier this week panel.
37:57The controversial documentary is now available to watch at home via Amazon Prime.
38:03Which brings us to the question.
38:04Which is higher?
38:06The domestic box office gross for Melania?
38:09Or the amount of cash Ivana Trump received from Donald in their divorce?
38:16Oh.
38:17Oh, wow.
38:18Both such small numbers.
38:22Melania, I want to say grossed a surprisingly high number.
38:26I want to say Ivana.
38:28I just want that.
38:30I'm pretty sure the Melania number is $16 million.
38:34That right.
38:35Because it cost $40 million to make.
38:38And I remember laughing about that.
38:42The domestic box office gross of Melania, $16.4 million.
38:49Wow.
38:49And the amount that Ivana got from Trump in their divorce, $14 million.
38:54So the domestic box office gross of Melania is higher.
38:59Wow.
39:00That means Melania too is going to get green lit, baby.
39:05Ivana was able to parlay her marriage to Donald and some other paying gigs.
39:09Five years after they got divorced, the two actually appeared in a commercial together.
39:14Here's the first part.
39:15You really think this is the right thing for us to be doing, Ivana?
39:19What do people think?
39:20Let them talk.
39:22Ivana.
39:24It's wrong, isn't it?
39:26But it feels so right.
39:28Then it's a deal?
39:29Wow.
39:30Question to the panel.
39:32What is that commercial about?
39:34Adult diapers.
39:37It feels so right.
39:40Golf course cemeteries.
39:45Divorce lawyers.
39:47Here's the answer.
39:48Then it's a deal?
39:49Yes.
39:49We eat our pizza the wrong way.
39:51Crest first.
39:52Introducing stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut.
39:54You'll want to eat it the wrong way.
39:56Crest first.
39:57I have the last slice.
39:58Actually, you're only entitled to half.
40:01See?
40:03Divorce lawyers.
40:05Around the time of the errand of this commercial, uh, industry experts say it transformed stuffed crust pizza into a
40:11multi-billion dollar business, adding 300 million in sales in its first year, according to the official Pizza Hut blog,
40:21Hut Life.
40:25I didn't choose Hut Life. Hut Life chose me.
40:31That's what Jabba has tattooed right here.
40:34That was Witches Heart. We'll be right back.
40:42All right. It's time for my favorite game. It's called, Who's That Baby Is?
40:47I'll show you a famous person's baby picture, and you tell me, boy, who's the baby?
40:53Let's see the baby.
40:54Aww.
40:54That baby looks familiar.
40:55They were born in Inglewood, California.
40:58Hmm.
40:58They once taught a class at Stanford on personal branding.
41:01Oh.
41:02And they were the first black woman to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue dated Chris Webber
41:06in the early 2000s, and they were the main subject of the recent docu-series, Reality Check, Inside America's Next
41:13Top Model.
41:13I had it no clues, but I felt in a weird position to have to lean to a black woman
41:18and say, oh, I know exactly who that is.
41:21But it's Tyra Banks.
41:22Yeah.
41:22Jarrell Hanna.
41:25That baby is Tyra Banks!
41:29I'm gonna give you all two facts about Tyra Banks. You tell me which fact is real. First fact, on
41:36her daytime talk show, did Tyra fistfight the Cheetah Girls?
41:40Or pretend to have rabies?
41:43The drama for the rabies sounds like a little...
41:46So good, right?
41:46It's great, but...
41:47I mean, like, she put a little, uh, Alka-Seltzer in her mouth, and then she just...
41:50Oh, yeah.
41:51On her daytime talk show, Tyra Banks pretended to have rabies.
41:57That was Who's Up, baby.
41:59I want to thank our guests, Moshe Tasha and Ophira Isenberg.
42:03And, of course, thank you to our team captains, Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
42:08Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.
42:13Politician frustrated with sneaky little hobbitists.
42:20Senator introduces Bill to limit the temperature of soup.
42:25I'm Roy Wood Jr., and I'll see you next week for another episode of How I Got Loose For You.
42:29And check out my website, RoyWoodJunior.com, for my rescheduled Straight Up Ramaz Dates.
Comments