- 18 minutes ago
Saturday.Night.Live.S51E17
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00:00:04All right, are you listening?
00:00:06Okay, so I think I'll start with open the effing straight, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living
00:00:13in hell, and then at the end, maybe throw in praise be to Allah.
00:00:19You think I should type praise be to Allah, and that's from you, the president of the
00:00:24United States?
00:00:25Yes, yes, Allah.
00:00:26They say Allah.
00:00:28It's a sarcastic attack on the world's largest religion.
00:00:31They famously have a great sense of humor about that kind of stuff.
00:00:35As your press secretary, this puts me in a tough position, sir.
00:00:39Oh, don't worry about that, Caroline.
00:00:41Like I said to Pam Bondi and Kristi Noem right before I fired them, you're doing a terrific
00:00:46job.
00:00:48Thank you, sir.
00:00:49I love you, too.
00:00:53All three of those were played by Ashley.
00:00:55It's an interesting detail.
00:00:57Now, there are a lot of important things happening in the world right now, and I have to make
00:01:02some urgent phone calls.
00:01:10Hello?
00:01:11Tiger, it's Donald.
00:01:13What's going on, buddy?
00:01:14Are you playing in the Masters this weekend?
00:01:17Uh, no, sir.
00:01:18I don't know if you'll remember, but I flipped my car and got a DUI.
00:01:21Oh, right.
00:01:23A DUI.
00:01:24As in, do we drive on pills?
00:01:27Yes, he do.
00:01:29That's a good one, Mr. President.
00:01:31You should have told the cops we were friends who would have let you off.
00:01:34Well, uh, I did, and they didn't.
00:01:36Ah.
00:01:37If only there was something I could have done to help.
00:01:40Oh, well.
00:01:41Want to play some golf?
00:01:43Uh, I'm actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment.
00:01:46Oh, and how's the course there?
00:01:48Oh, well, actually, there's no golf.
00:01:50You see, I don't know why there's...
00:01:52Okay, who else?
00:01:54Oh, wait, who's this?
00:01:56I don't recognize the number.
00:01:58Hello?
00:01:59Hello, Donald.
00:02:01Melania, you're calling me?
00:02:03That's not a good sign.
00:02:05Listen, I decided I should do a big, random speech completely out of nowhere and say I am
00:02:12not Epstein victim.
00:02:14Is that good?
00:02:15Ah, darling, I gotta admit that sounds a little insane.
00:02:18Who are you, me?
00:02:21Well, it's not just Epstein.
00:02:23I thought I could also say I, Melania Trump, in no way helped out the Gilgal Beach serial killer.
00:02:31That way no one is suspicious.
00:02:34Darling, I think that's gonna make everyone way more suspicious.
00:02:38Okay, okay.
00:02:39What if I announce I barely partied with Didi?
00:02:43Would that help?
00:02:45You know, Melania, I'd really love to talk more, but I have a meeting with, uh, Ronald Reagan.
00:02:52Let's see.
00:02:53Anything else I'm forgetting?
00:02:54There's gotta be something.
00:02:56Oh, right, the war.
00:03:09What?
00:03:11Pete, it's President Trump.
00:03:13What's up?
00:03:14What's up?
00:03:16I'm gonna have the 90s.
00:03:18Sorry, Mr. President, I didn't know it was you.
00:03:20I just said unknown caller.
00:03:21So I figured I'd just answer and say a couple military secrets.
00:03:25That's wonderful.
00:03:26That's great.
00:03:27So what's the latest on that whole thing we're doing in Iran?
00:03:30Well, rest assured, sir, Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night, allegedly.
00:03:37We've destroyed everything.
00:03:38We wet their willies, tapped their sacks, and purpled every single nurple.
00:03:43You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again, which is a great sign for the ceasefire.
00:03:49Yeah, except this time we're fighting millennial cringe by letting 40-year-olds join the military.
00:03:54Yeah, put that finger mustache to work, pulling a trigger.
00:03:59Really good.
00:04:00Really good.
00:04:01That's great.
00:04:02That one for sure hits with me.
00:04:05But, sir, you know, I gotta ask.
00:04:07Is it true what I heard?
00:04:08Are you actually negotiating with these herbs?
00:04:11You know what?
00:04:11Don't worry about the negotiations.
00:04:13I just heard they're going really, really bad.
00:04:16I sent in my secret weapon, J.D. Vance.
00:04:20After those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J.D., they said,
00:04:23Please, sir, just go back to bombing us.
00:04:27Yeah, very good, sir.
00:04:29Even hearing about someone getting bombed just got me hard as hell.
00:04:33That's great.
00:04:34That's great.
00:04:34I'm bricked as well.
00:04:35All right.
00:04:36Well, keep up the good work, Pete.
00:04:38And if you think of a good reason why we went to war, could you let me know?
00:04:43Well, honestly, sir, if I were you, I'd probably just tell them,
00:04:46We did it all for the Nookie.
00:04:48What?
00:04:49The Nookie.
00:04:50Come on.
00:04:50So we can take their oil and stick it in our cars.
00:04:53Stick it in our cars.
00:04:54Stick it in our cars.
00:04:56Seven dollars a gallon.
00:04:57Hank Seth out.
00:04:58And live from New York Saturday Night Live.
00:05:07It's Saturday Night Live with Michael Chang.
00:05:19Mikey Day.
00:05:26Andrew Dismute
00:05:36Chloe Fineman
00:05:48Marcelo Fernandez
00:05:53James Austin Johnson
00:06:03Colin Jost
00:06:09Sarah Sherman
00:06:15Keenan Thompson
00:06:20Featuring
00:06:21Tommy Brennan
00:06:26Jeremy Cohen
00:06:31Ben Marshall
00:06:39Ashley Padilla
00:06:41Cam Patterson
00:06:47Veronica Slowikowska
00:06:51Jane Wickline
00:07:00Musical Guest
00:07:03Anita
00:07:05And your host
00:07:08Colman Domingo
00:07:13Ladies and gentlemen
00:07:15Colman Domingo
00:07:17And your host
00:07:34Young
00:07:38Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. Now,
00:07:46it's going to売 a famous video.
00:07:47I have been an actor since the 90s,
00:07:49so you may be sitting here thinking,
00:07:51where do I know him from?
00:07:52And it's probably because I've been in a lot of different things.
00:07:56You know, Fear the Walking Dead, Four Seasons,
00:07:58Lincoln, Sing Sing.
00:08:00I was Carly in iCarly.
00:08:03I was inside C-3PO suit in Star Wars.
00:08:07And I am also your uncle.
00:08:10He hears me at your cousin's wedding in 1994.
00:08:15The point is, I'm practically in everything,
00:08:18like raisins at a Caucasian cookout.
00:08:25And I love how I can always guess what people know me from.
00:08:28You know, if you're a Latin bro, I'm like,
00:08:30oh, Fear the Walking Dead.
00:08:32But if it's a girl under 20 or a creepy dude over 30,
00:08:38that's euphoria.
00:08:42So, sure, I'm an actor,
00:08:43but what I'm most known for is
00:08:46when you come to my house,
00:08:48the vibes are spectacular.
00:08:55And tonight, I'm going to make you feel like you're at my house,
00:08:58so let's get a vibe going.
00:09:02Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:09:04Music?
00:09:05I said vibe, and that just happened.
00:09:08How about the lights?
00:09:10Let's get some lighting that's extremely flattering for
00:09:13people of color.
00:09:16Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:09:18Much better.
00:09:19Leon and I look great.
00:09:21Right, Leon?
00:09:25Now for the camera.
00:09:26Can I get a sexy, slow push on this?
00:09:30Also, I'm 56, so boom the hell up.
00:09:34There it is.
00:09:39Look how adorable I am now.
00:09:42My word.
00:09:44And this works for everybody.
00:09:47Jeremy, get out of here.
00:09:52Now, Jeremy, look into that camera.
00:09:58He looks fine.
00:10:00No offense, but boom up.
00:10:10It almost worked.
00:10:13Well, the vibe is getting really good.
00:10:16Really good, but is it sexy enough?
00:10:19Now it is.
00:10:22So let's see how the vibe is working for our guests.
00:10:26Ooh.
00:10:28Hey, ma'am, what brings you here tonight?
00:10:33I got tickets from someone who works here.
00:10:36Ooh.
00:10:38Inside connection.
00:10:39That's hot.
00:10:42I like the vibe.
00:10:44Was it someone in the cast?
00:10:46No, it was a writer.
00:10:48Don't tell people that.
00:10:51Wow.
00:10:53The vibes down here are on point.
00:10:55But looks like I made them too good.
00:10:58Because those people I'm making out.
00:11:02Ooh.
00:11:03They're straight.
00:11:06You don't see that every day.
00:11:10Well, everybody, I think we kind of did it.
00:11:13I think we nailed the vibe.
00:11:15So let's wrap this up, baby.
00:11:18At my house, I always end a party the same way.
00:11:21By telling everybody to get the hell out
00:11:23so I can take a Pfizer pill and go to bed.
00:11:26But not tonight, babies.
00:11:28Because we've got a show to do.
00:11:30So boom up.
00:11:31We've got a crap show for you tonight.
00:11:33I need us here.
00:11:34So stick around, and we'll be right back.
00:12:06Coming up, it's almost summer.
00:12:08We've got five spots where you can experience
00:12:11that famous NYC hot urine smell for yourself.
00:12:15But first, our top story.
00:12:17A bank robbery occurred in the Fashion District earlier today.
00:12:20Our own Amy Asher is live on the scene.
00:12:22Amy.
00:12:23Thank you, Wes.
00:12:24It was around noon that the sounds of gunfire
00:12:27erupted outside of a bank here on 26th Street.
00:12:30Miraculously, nobody was injured.
00:12:33But bystanders were shaken.
00:12:34Including this group of students and faculty
00:12:37from the Fashion Institute of Design next door.
00:12:40Let's speak to them and their teacher,
00:12:43D'Artagnan Meringue.
00:12:45I don't teach.
00:12:47I show.
00:12:48I am the lesson.
00:12:51Got it.
00:12:52Now, can you describe the suspect?
00:12:55I would say 30, 32, maybe.
00:12:59So fairly young.
00:13:00No, not in age, honey.
00:13:01Waist and ensign.
00:13:02What else could I have been referring to?
00:13:04I apologize.
00:13:06Could you describe his clothing?
00:13:09Yes.
00:13:11Boho derogatory.
00:13:14Could you be more specific?
00:13:16Why?
00:13:16He sure as hell wasn't.
00:13:18Speak on it.
00:13:21Listen, listen, give me that mic.
00:13:22The look was all over the place
00:13:24and baggy to a fault.
00:13:26My man was swimming in that fit.
00:13:29Swimming?
00:13:29Try drowning.
00:13:34Who was that?
00:13:36Oh, that's Tolly Point.
00:13:37The dean.
00:13:38Who else could it have been?
00:13:40Okay, so I really want to give our viewers
00:13:42as clear a description of the suspect as possible.
00:13:47Be on the lookout for a mess.
00:13:52Again, I'm not really understanding.
00:13:55Excuse you, I was not done speaking.
00:13:58Class, help this woman describe the man's drip.
00:14:01Delaney?
00:14:02The fit must have been in the unemployment line
00:14:05because it was not working.
00:14:09Good.
00:14:10Rost up.
00:14:11The fit was given style by Stevie.
00:14:13Stevie. Stevie Wonder.
00:14:16Yes, yes, yes.
00:14:19Gabby.
00:14:21He had, like, a hoodie and, like...
00:14:24Gabby, you are not cut out for this.
00:14:29Go to a normal college.
00:14:34Look, the clothes were a disaster,
00:14:37but the accessories ate down.
00:14:40The accessories?
00:14:41His gun, woman.
00:14:42What else could I have been talking about?
00:14:44Oh.
00:14:45You're getting smoke in my face.
00:14:47You're getting your face in my smoke.
00:14:53Anyway, the gun was a tasteful matte black color
00:14:58that he paired with a brown belt in spring.
00:15:03Oh, no, baby.
00:15:05Unalive yourselves.
00:15:10Okay, a brown belt.
00:15:12That's a good detail.
00:15:13Any more specifics on the color of his clothing?
00:15:15The color slurted with boldness,
00:15:18but couldn't get her in bed.
00:15:21Yes, Delaney.
00:15:22Roscoe, the colors were a statement,
00:15:25and that statement was,
00:15:27Mama raised a dumbass.
00:15:30Yes, Roscoe.
00:15:32Gabby?
00:15:33His jeans were, like, dark blue.
00:15:36Gabby, drop out!
00:15:39I beg you, go back to Connecticut.
00:15:42But I like fashion.
00:15:43You have no future in this industry.
00:15:46None.
00:15:46Zilch.
00:15:48I like fashion.
00:15:50Well, I like pornography,
00:15:51but I do it as a hobby, not a career.
00:15:54Okay.
00:15:54Okay.
00:15:55Can you please just describe the suspect
00:15:58in a normal way?
00:16:00No.
00:16:02But I snapped a photo of the crime being committed.
00:16:05Oh, please show that.
00:16:07Mm-hmm.
00:16:07Oh.
00:16:08Oh.
00:16:10There.
00:16:10The crime of the century.
00:16:14If you're going to be sockless and cropped,
00:16:16invest in some lotion.
00:16:18His heels were drier than saltines.
00:16:22In fact, when the police asked which way he went,
00:16:24I said, follow that trail of Parmesan.
00:16:26Okay.
00:16:26All right.
00:16:27All right.
00:16:28Enough.
00:16:28Let's just forget the clothes.
00:16:30Believe me, I'm trying.
00:16:33Authorities have urged the public to remain vigilant
00:16:35as the suspect is still at large.
00:16:37Try extra large.
00:16:39Okay.
00:16:39Stop.
00:16:39Stop.
00:16:39Stop crossing my frame.
00:16:42Jesus Christ.
00:16:43If you have any information on the suspect,
00:16:45please contact police.
00:16:47And I hope the police do to him
00:16:49what he should have done to those raggedy-ass jeans.
00:16:52Cuff him.
00:16:52Mm.
00:16:54More as the story develops.
00:16:56Wes?
00:16:57Thanks, Amy.
00:16:58I learned a lot from this story.
00:17:00You know, hoping that maybe now that I stepped up my drip,
00:17:03you might reconsider my offer.
00:17:05Your offer to be friends but hook up
00:17:08when your wife's out of town?
00:17:09Yeah, my answer is still no.
00:17:11Mm-mm.
00:17:12Mm-mm.
00:17:12Reconsider, honey.
00:17:13You could do worse, but you won't do better.
00:17:15Okay, what is your problem with me?
00:17:16Everything.
00:17:17What is your problem?
00:17:18Everything.
00:17:18Your hands are safe.
00:17:18I won't.
00:17:24After I got divorced, I hit rock bottom.
00:17:27I was depressed.
00:17:28I lost my confidence.
00:17:29I just wasn't myself.
00:17:31And as a man, therapy never seemed like a real option.
00:17:35Plus, there's no way I could afford that now.
00:17:38But then, I found out about unique cuts.
00:17:41Black barbershops is a radically new alternative
00:17:44to mental health treatment for white guys without the stigma.
00:17:48At first, I didn't know what to make of it,
00:17:51but they welcomed me right in.
00:17:55They're such a goofy ass down, man.
00:17:57You bet.
00:17:58It doesn't matter who you were before you walked in,
00:18:01because the brothers at Unique Cuts
00:18:02allow you to have a fresh new start.
00:18:04Um, look at him.
00:18:05He look like that boy.
00:18:06What's his name?
00:18:07Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh-oh.
00:18:08Dharma.
00:18:09That's right.
00:18:10He's gonna call you Jeffrey Dahmer.
00:18:13I don't know.
00:18:14That's all Jeffrey Dahmer looking ass up.
00:18:16What?
00:18:17Hey, normal now.
00:18:18Come on, baby, here.
00:18:19I've always had a hard time opening up
00:18:21and talking about my feelings,
00:18:23but they made it easy.
00:18:25It's like they were reading my mind.
00:18:28Little Epstein over here say his wife just left.
00:18:30Uh, my name's David.
00:18:31Little Epstein, if you want to get your wife back,
00:18:33you need to start hitting it right.
00:18:35Get you a hundred pack, a couple of coconut waters,
00:18:37and wear that ass out.
00:18:38I know that's right.
00:18:39Yeah, just start clapping them clappers like,
00:18:41clap, clap, clap.
00:18:42Clap, clap, clap.
00:18:44Clap, clap, clap.
00:18:45Clap, clap, clap.
00:18:45Clap, clap, clap.
00:18:46We were having some intimacy issues in the bedroom.
00:18:49It was really hard for me to communicate my needs to Tara.
00:18:52But then my barber said,
00:18:53Cheat!
00:18:54What?
00:18:55Can't do that.
00:18:57What, you gay as I'm?
00:18:58What?
00:18:59No.
00:19:00And now, our sex life is thriving.
00:19:02He's even lifting his leg up.
00:19:03Like, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.
00:19:06Traditional therapy can cost hundreds of dollars an hour,
00:19:08but the homies at Unique only charge 50 bucks,
00:19:11and I can stay there all day.
00:19:13Even do some shopping.
00:19:14Yeah, that's 100% sea loss.
00:19:16My girl makes it right out of the ocean.
00:19:18Cures COVID and eczema.
00:19:20It forces you to come out of your comfort zone
00:19:23and make some hard choices.
00:19:25It's a simple question, bro.
00:19:27I don't know what you want me to say.
00:19:29Just ask some damn questions, FC.
00:19:31Who would you rather clap?
00:19:32Pam or Gina?
00:19:33I told you.
00:19:34I don't know who those ladies are.
00:19:37Oh!
00:19:37Come on, man.
00:19:39And no matter how bad things may seem,
00:19:41my dogs can always put things back in perspective for me.
00:19:44My two littles are starting private school,
00:19:46so I have to pay for that.
00:19:47Mm-hmm.
00:19:47And then Sheila wants a new kitchen.
00:19:49Word.
00:19:50I'm in a real pickle.
00:19:51Oh, my God!
00:19:53Yeah.
00:19:54Looked like little Terry then got shot again.
00:19:56No legs, Terry?
00:19:57Yeah.
00:19:57I thought he was in jail.
00:19:58Yeah, he came home about a week ago.
00:19:59Somebody said he caught his wife in the bed
00:20:01with a pastor or something.
00:20:02Anyway, uh, Dama,
00:20:04you were telling me about your little pickle?
00:20:06Yeah, it's nothing.
00:20:08Man, we just wanted a spot where Bubz could kick back,
00:20:11talk a little mess, and get a drink on.
00:20:12Plus, when you look good, you feel good.
00:20:14That's what it's all about.
00:20:15A man want to feel good.
00:20:20All right, guys, have a good night.
00:20:21Hey, let's bring that thing.
00:20:22Oh, by the way, fellas,
00:20:25I'd smash Pam all day.
00:20:27Hey!
00:20:33Black barbershops.
00:20:34Get your mental health lined up.
00:20:43On Friday, the four crew members of NASA's Artemis II mission
00:20:47returned to Earth safely
00:20:48after an historic 10-day trip around the moon.
00:20:51During the mission,
00:20:52the crew recorded a series of video logs.
00:20:54This one was filmed on day nine.
00:20:58Hi, there.
00:21:01This is Artemis II pilot Victor Glover.
00:21:04We're on day nine of ten,
00:21:06and we're almost home.
00:21:09Speaking of home,
00:21:10if you look out our window here,
00:21:13you'll see a familiar sight.
00:21:15Earth.
00:21:17Seeing our pretty planet like this
00:21:19is pretty profound.
00:21:22Being a man of faith,
00:21:24this has certainly brought me closer to God.
00:21:28Oh, come on, guys.
00:21:30You gotta Velcro your snacks to the wall.
00:21:33Those Pringles are those.
00:21:35Oh, those are mine now.
00:21:37No, those are my Pringles.
00:21:39No, no.
00:21:40Finest keepers, you loser.
00:21:41No, give them to me now.
00:21:43No, dude.
00:21:43Okay, fine.
00:21:44Here, you can have them.
00:21:44Just kidding.
00:21:47Hey, hey, I'm recording a thoughtful video.
00:21:50Can you guys stop messing around, please?
00:21:52I'm sorry, Victor.
00:21:53It's just, it's day nine,
00:21:54and we're just kind of bored, okay?
00:21:56Bye.
00:21:58Canada slabs.
00:22:03Okay, there's a quote
00:22:05from legendary Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell
00:22:08that I'd like to read.
00:22:10Ah.
00:22:15We do not realize
00:22:16what we have on Earth
00:22:18until we leave it.
00:22:19Let me tell you,
00:22:21those words hit very different right now.
00:22:25Hey, guys.
00:22:27Christina fell asleep un-velcroed again.
00:22:30Someone stick her ass to the wall, please.
00:22:38Seeing Earth out the window,
00:22:41this beautiful blue ball
00:22:43in a sea of darkness
00:22:44really gives one pause.
00:22:47I'm so sorry, Victor.
00:22:49We have to get this on camera.
00:22:51Ladies and gentlemen,
00:22:53this is no hands hat.
00:22:56You're not going to believe this, Victor.
00:23:00No hands hat.
00:23:02No hands hat.
00:23:06No hands hat.
00:23:08Victor, I did it, Victor.
00:23:10Woo.
00:23:11You proud of us?
00:23:12Reed, Hanson,
00:23:14what are you doing?
00:23:15We're doing experiments, Victor.
00:23:18Okay.
00:23:18Was breaking the toilet
00:23:20an experiment, too?
00:23:21I'm sorry about the toilet, Victor.
00:23:23The toilet doesn't make any sense.
00:23:25Okay, go away.
00:23:26Let me lock in.
00:23:27Okay, sorry, but before we go,
00:23:29check this out, Victor.
00:23:29Check this out.
00:23:30Watch this.
00:23:30Watch this.
00:23:31Oh.
00:23:32Oh.
00:23:35Oh.
00:23:36Victor.
00:23:37Victor, look at it.
00:23:39All right, all right.
00:23:42I'd like to read another quote
00:23:44from another great astronaut.
00:23:46Sally Ride.
00:23:50Looking back at Earth from orbit
00:23:52makes you realize
00:23:53makes you realize
00:23:54how fragile our existence
00:23:55truly is.
00:23:57Oh, my God.
00:23:59Are you guys serious?
00:24:01You fools drew on poor Christina's face?
00:24:05Two grown men
00:24:06turning our mission specialists
00:24:08into Harry Potter?
00:24:09Shame on you.
00:24:14Sorry about that, folks.
00:24:16When you see Earth like this,
00:24:18it makes you realize
00:24:19how lucky we are to live here.
00:24:22Um, so I just sneezed
00:24:24and this happened?
00:24:26I mean,
00:24:28this is totally happening right now.
00:24:31Okay, that's kind of amazing.
00:24:33Yeah, right?
00:24:34Make sure you get a picture of that.
00:24:36Oh, I will.
00:24:37I will.
00:24:38Hey, Victor.
00:24:39My pee-pee's stuck in the tube again.
00:24:42I don't know what you do
00:24:43because my pee-pee's stuck in it again.
00:24:45You better get it off me, Victor, please.
00:24:47I don't know.
00:24:48Figure it out.
00:24:49I'm doing my video.
00:24:50What do you mean,
00:24:51figure it out, Victor?
00:24:51It's my pee-pee.
00:24:52Please, Victor.
00:24:54All right.
00:24:55I'm going to make this quick
00:24:56because folks are going space crazy.
00:24:59My one hope
00:25:00for everyone on Earth
00:25:01is this.
00:25:02Woo!
00:25:03I'm pulling it by yourself.
00:25:05Woo!
00:25:08Woo!
00:25:08Woo!
00:25:09Screw it.
00:25:09Video over.
00:25:11Everyone,
00:25:12be kind to each other.
00:25:14The end.
00:25:16Okay.
00:25:23On May 2nd,
00:25:25host and used to guest
00:25:26Olivia Rodrigo.
00:25:28host and used to guest
00:25:39Olivia Rodrigo.
00:25:47You're watching PBS. At 5, Masterpiece Theater presents Bleak House, Mother's Sad.
00:25:52But now, a rerun of the cult classic, The Knowledge Hour, with Henry Debris.
00:26:01Hello there. I'm Henry Debris.
00:26:04What if I told you there are more trees on Earth than stars in the Milky Way?
00:26:09What if I told you that a magnitude 12 earthquake would split the world in two?
00:26:14Or what if I told you this table is a man?
00:26:23How cool is that? I love stuff like that.
00:26:28Thank you to our props department for indulging me.
00:26:31It just goes to show not everything is as it seems.
00:26:36Admire this simple piece of coral.
00:26:39Now, what if I told you it's a seahorse?
00:26:43Surprised?
00:26:45What if I told you a cloud can weigh over one million pounds?
00:26:49What if I told you this clock is a man?
00:26:59I mean, this clock.
00:27:08God, it gets me every time.
00:27:11I think it's awesome. It's just awesome. Never gets old.
00:27:14Speaking of old.
00:27:16Speaking of old, did you know our pupils get smaller as we age?
00:27:20So do our sweat glands.
00:27:22What if I told you the atoms inside you are a billion years old?
00:27:26What if I told you these books are a man?
00:27:33What if I told you the fire is my niece?
00:27:41And that this simple vase is none other than city councilman Keith Hawkins?
00:27:53Wait a minute. Hello? Hello?
00:27:58Oh, my God. Where's Keith? This is just a vase.
00:28:03Now I look like an idiot. Now I look like I don't know Keith Hawkins.
00:28:07Samwell!
00:28:08I'm sorry, Mr. Debris. The councilman was called away on city business.
00:28:12Oh, damn it. Well, you should have told me. Damn it.
00:28:16I'm so mad I can hit you over the head with this plotted plant.
00:28:22Oh, that's a man.
00:28:25When I want it to be an object, it's a man. And vice versa.
00:28:30Well, that's rich. That's really, really rich.
00:28:35Okay, everyone, out!
00:28:54What if I told you I really wanted this to go well?
00:28:58What if I told you someone special is watching?
00:29:02A girl I knew in college. What if I told you she was hot?
00:29:07Lily.
00:29:08Oh, we were young.
00:29:12Mr. Debris. Mr. Debris. I'm so sorry I'm late.
00:29:16I was at the zoo. One of the polar bears ate a kid.
00:29:19I should specify. A baby goat. It was his food. He was supposed to.
00:29:24It doesn't matter, councilman. I'm ending the show.
00:29:27I blew the whole budget trying to impress some chick from 40 years ago.
00:29:30I'm pathetic.
00:29:33What if I told you you're not?
00:29:39What?
00:29:39What if I told you you're a great man who gets a kick at a good old-fashioned American surprise?
00:29:46Ha! No one can love a man like that.
00:29:50What if I told you I could?
00:29:52I'm no Lily, but I'm here, dressed up like a vase with flowers on my head,
00:29:57because two weeks ago, I had a sexual dream about us that blew up my marriage.
00:30:02I'm not perfect, and I don't know if I'm gay, but I'd like to get married and find out.
00:30:10What if I told you, yes, and what if I told you that painting is an ordained minister?
00:30:24Good evening.
00:30:26I now pronounce you husband in vase.
00:30:29Lootten-to-art one.isha
00:30:30però는 stillolo.便
00:30:47yolor in vase. I'm
00:30:4914 Everything With You's just. For then,
00:30:50I know him. I'll be
00:30:52I'm 15.
00:30:52I know you.
00:30:53I know you.
00:30:54I know you.
00:30:55I know you.
00:30:57I know you.
00:30:58I know you.
00:30:58I know you,
00:30:59but I know you. I know you,
00:31:05Ladies and gentlemen, Anita.
00:31:29Toca, joga, corpo con corpo, boca con boca.
00:31:32Don't be kidding me, amas, pode te dar uma volta.
00:31:36Cain na toca, cain na toca, toca da capopla.
00:31:40O que é sensacional, todo relacionado.
00:31:43Poder e ser o leio, teres poder e chão.
00:31:47O que é o leio, ter emissão.
00:31:50O que é que se alista é na feta, tem evitão.
00:31:55Acelorada, não se comporta, é melhorar e já.
00:32:00Não importa se eles saíram, pra curtir o baile.
00:32:05Ela vai encontrar, nossa majestade.
00:32:08Toca, choca, coi, bojão, coi, bojão, coi, bojão, coi, bojão, com boca.
00:32:11Toca, choca, coi, bojão, coi, bojão, coi, bojão, com boca.
00:32:15Sou pequenininha, mas posso te dar uma volta.
00:32:19Cain na toca, cain na toca, toca da capopla.
00:32:23Descontrolado, c'est novo, tá animado
00:32:25Vai comência que fica tudo empolgado
00:32:29O uau, a loba é a mulher
00:32:32Que não fica contente, até quer o que ela quer
00:32:36Viver, deixa a roupa atrás do passado
00:32:43Viver sem, e fazemos sempre o que quiser
00:33:16Rockers
00:33:17Boca na caboca
00:33:49It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
00:33:53Thank you very much, good evening everyone
00:34:06Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Che
00:34:08I'm Colin Jost
00:34:14Today the United States held peace negotiations
00:34:17With Iran, but then just an hour ago
00:34:19President Trump posted
00:34:21If Iran doesn't agree to peace
00:34:23The greatest military of all time
00:34:25Ours
00:34:27Will F Iran
00:34:28Write up their strait of Hormuz
00:34:31As-salamu alaykum
00:34:33You crazy bastards
00:34:35Now I completely
00:34:37Made that up
00:34:39But isn't it kind of disturbing
00:34:41That you all totally believe
00:34:45That he had posted that
00:34:49President Trump did genuinely issue a post
00:34:52Threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization
00:34:54And then ended with the phrase
00:34:56Praise be to Allah
00:34:58And I know that almost sounds
00:35:00Makes Trump sound like he is a radical terrorist
00:35:03But remember, Trump has already been
00:35:05To a paradise with 72 virgins
00:35:11There is growing confusion
00:35:13Over whether Israel being allowed
00:35:14To continue bombing Lebanon
00:35:16Was part of the ceasefire with Iran
00:35:18Ultimately, that decision comes down
00:35:20To the man controlling our military
00:35:21Benjamin Netanyahu
00:35:24Earlier tonight
00:35:26J.D. Vance announced
00:35:27That the U.S. and Iran
00:35:28Have ended negotiations
00:35:29Without a deal
00:35:30After talking for 21 hours straight
00:35:32And guys, I think they're done for real
00:35:35Based on how his mascara's running
00:35:40Before the talks fell apart
00:35:41President Trump warned Iran
00:35:43About making any more demands
00:35:44Saying the Iranians don't seem to realize
00:35:47They have no cards
00:35:48They're literally holding a strait
00:35:58J.D. Vance was asked
00:36:00J.D. Vance was asked
00:36:01About Iran's right to enrich uranium
00:36:03And he made kind of a weird analogy
00:36:06Watch
00:36:06My wife has the right to skydive
00:36:10But she doesn't jump out of an airplane
00:36:12Because she and I have an agreement
00:36:14That she's not going to do that
00:36:15Because I don't want my wife
00:36:16Jumping out of an airplane
00:36:20What the hell are you talking about
00:36:24The only thing that makes sense
00:36:26In that entire analogy
00:36:27Is that we can all understand
00:36:29J.D. Vance's wife
00:36:30Having the urge to jump
00:36:38First lady Melania Trump
00:36:39Made a rare public statement
00:36:41To deny reports that
00:36:42Jeffrey Epstein
00:36:43Introduced her to Donald Trump
00:36:45Because they actually met
00:36:46When Trump cracked open
00:36:47Her shipping container
00:36:53On Friday
00:36:54The Artemis II
00:36:55Astronauts returned safely
00:36:57From their 10-day trip
00:36:58Around the Hollywood soundstage
00:37:05During the mission
00:37:06The crew of Artemis II
00:37:07Sent back pictures
00:37:08Of the rarely seen
00:37:09Dark side of the moon
00:37:10Revealing that the moon
00:37:12Has a rat tail
00:37:20He wanted more out of that
00:37:21The Justice Department
00:37:24Has formed a task force
00:37:25Intended to eradicate
00:37:27Anti-Christian bias
00:37:28Which hopefully works better
00:37:30Than the church's strategy
00:37:32Of molesting it out of you
00:37:40California police
00:37:41Have arrested a man
00:37:42Who allegedly threw
00:37:43A Molotov cocktail
00:37:44At the home of
00:37:45ChatGPT founder
00:37:46Sam Altman
00:37:47After ChatGPT told him
00:37:49That's a great idea
00:37:53Yesterday Kamala Harris
00:37:55Said she is thinking
00:37:56About running for president
00:37:57Again
00:37:58And I like her chances
00:37:59As long as she finally
00:38:00Grows that penis
00:38:09I tried to keep a straight face
00:38:11As long as I could
00:38:12Health Secretary
00:38:12Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
00:38:15Announced that he is
00:38:16Launching a new podcast
00:38:17The podcast is called
00:38:28It's catchy
00:38:30Yesterday a report
00:38:30Showed inflation
00:38:31Spiked to its highest point
00:38:33In four years
00:38:34Due to the war in Iran
00:38:34Here to comment
00:38:35Are two kids
00:38:36From the back
00:38:37Of the school bus
00:38:45Hey guys
00:38:46Calm down
00:38:48Calm down
00:38:49Okay
00:38:50You're here to talk
00:38:51About inflation
00:38:52Okay
00:38:52Right
00:38:53Right
00:38:53But first
00:38:55Can I just use your phone
00:38:56Real quick Mr. Jost
00:38:57I'm sorry
00:38:57Mine got confiscated
00:38:59Well why did your phone
00:39:01Get confiscated
00:39:01I don't know
00:39:02I didn't even do nothing
00:39:03I didn't even do nothing
00:39:04He didn't do nothing
00:39:05I didn't even do nothing
00:39:06I don't know
00:39:06What you would think
00:39:07If I didn't even do nothing
00:39:09I don't know
00:39:10I find that hard to believe
00:39:11Okay fine
00:39:13I posted a video
00:39:14Of me swiping a debit card
00:39:15Between the bus driver's
00:39:16Neck folds
00:39:18You were funny
00:39:19Back at that
00:39:19Like a pack of hot dogs
00:39:21It was like
00:39:22Brr
00:39:26You know what
00:39:26This is serious
00:39:29This is serious
00:39:29Okay
00:39:30And why don't you guys
00:39:30You gotta focus up
00:39:31Okay
00:39:31Focus up
00:39:32Okay
00:39:33Seriously
00:39:35Seriously
00:39:36Okay
00:39:36Inflation was up
00:39:373.3%
00:39:39Prices are out of control
00:39:41Everyone has been affected
00:39:43Even my boy Grabon
00:39:44Can't afford these groceries
00:39:45Nah for real
00:39:46I feel bad for Grabon
00:39:48Life is tough
00:39:48Oh my god
00:39:50Who's Grabon
00:39:51Oh Grabon is a friend of ours
00:39:52He's uh
00:39:52Grabon these nuts
00:39:55Yeah you
00:40:05Yeah I really don't appreciate
00:40:06Being shot in the face
00:40:08A bunch of times
00:40:09Also you're supposed to come out here
00:40:10And talk about the inflation report
00:40:11You've had this assignment for weeks
00:40:13Nah chill chill chill chill chill chill chill chill chill chill chill right now
00:40:17Chill
00:40:17Chill out
00:40:18Let me lock in
00:40:19Lock in
00:40:20Let him cook
00:40:20Let him cook
00:40:21Okay
00:40:21Inflation report
00:40:22Right
00:40:23Let me ask you a basic question
00:40:25Of economics
00:40:26Basing
00:40:27Basic
00:40:28You got it
00:40:29You got it
00:40:30You got it
00:40:30I got it
00:40:31Lock in man
00:40:32Alright
00:40:32You got it
00:40:32Let me ask you a basic question
00:40:34Of economics
00:40:35Okay
00:40:35Okay great
00:40:36Yeah
00:40:36Would you rather
00:40:37Eat 100 glizzies
00:40:40Or pass away
00:40:42From big booty disease
00:40:44Good question
00:40:45Good question
00:40:45I guess I would obviously choose the glizzies
00:40:48Oh
00:40:48Oh hell no
00:40:50Mr. Joseph glizzy goblin
00:40:56You're nasty bro
00:40:57Boy
00:40:58Alright you guys are
00:40:59You're too rowdy
00:41:00Okay
00:41:00You guys need to calm down
00:41:02Okay fine
00:41:04Jokes aside
00:41:05I don't think
00:41:06This inflation
00:41:07Will predicate
00:41:08A noticeable shift
00:41:09In the federal reserve
00:41:10Yeah
00:41:11But it does put the fed
00:41:12Between a rock and a hard place
00:41:13Because
00:41:14They had to promote
00:41:15Low inflation
00:41:16While still encouraging
00:41:17Economic growth
00:41:19The hell
00:41:21Is that
00:41:22Are you guys like
00:41:23Secretly smart
00:41:23Yes dude
00:41:25We get tutoring
00:41:26From Amanda Cajol
00:41:27She's a genius
00:41:28You know Amanda Cajol
00:41:29Who
00:41:29Who is Amanda Cajol
00:41:31Amanda Cajol
00:41:32These nuts
00:41:34Don't
00:41:35Don't get it
00:41:36Don't get it
00:41:39Don't get it
00:41:42That is a nut
00:41:43You know what
00:41:44I'm calling your mom
00:41:45We ain't even do nothing
00:41:46We ain't even do nothing
00:41:48I didn't even do nothing
00:41:49He didn't even do nothing
00:41:49Why would you call me
00:41:50My mom and I didn't do nothing
00:41:56Please don't hit me
00:41:57Please please please please
00:41:58You didn't hit him
00:41:59Okay
00:42:00We're sorry
00:42:01Mr. Jost
00:42:01Okay
00:42:01We didn't mean it
00:42:04Have you even considered
00:42:05How our home lives
00:42:06Affect our behavior
00:42:07Yeah
00:42:09Did you ever stop
00:42:10To think
00:42:11Why
00:42:11We are the way
00:42:12That we are
00:42:15Wow
00:42:15You know I guess
00:42:16I guess I haven't
00:42:17I apologize
00:42:18I guess
00:42:19I can be insensitive
00:42:20Sometimes
00:42:21Because when I was younger
00:42:22I was diagnosed
00:42:23With ligma
00:42:25Ligma?
00:42:25Yeah
00:42:26It's uh
00:42:27Ligma fat
00:42:28Nuts
00:42:28Oh
00:42:28Oh my god
00:42:43Two kids in the back
00:42:45Of the school bus
00:42:46Why do you have fat nuts
00:42:56Man
00:42:59A new study
00:43:00Ask god
00:43:04A new study reveals
00:43:06That sharks in the Bahamas
00:43:08Have tested positive
00:43:09For painkillers
00:43:10In fact
00:43:10The only animals
00:43:11That consume more painkillers
00:43:13Are tigers
00:43:19A new report finds
00:43:21That the state
00:43:22With the most adult children
00:43:23Still living with their parents
00:43:25Is New Jersey
00:43:27Adult children in New Jersey
00:43:29Are calling the report
00:43:30Ma
00:43:31Why you gotta tell them that for
00:43:38British officials
00:43:39Have blocked
00:43:39Ye
00:43:40From entering the country
00:43:41To perform
00:43:41At a music festival
00:43:42Despite his offer
00:43:43To meet with members
00:43:44Of England's Jewish community
00:43:46Which he thinks
00:43:47Are the bank goblins
00:43:48From Harry Potter
00:43:52It was announced
00:43:54That when King Charles
00:43:55Visits the U.S.
00:43:56This month
00:43:56He will deliver
00:43:57A joint address
00:43:57To congress
00:43:58Where god willing
00:43:59He offers to take
00:44:00Us back
00:44:03The Gilgo Beach
00:44:04Killer
00:44:05Has pleaded guilty
00:44:06To eight murders
00:44:07On Long Island
00:44:08And honey
00:44:08I hope one of them
00:44:09Was your barber
00:44:15A number of bars
00:44:19Around the country
00:44:20Have implemented
00:44:20A policy
00:44:21Banning cell phones
00:44:22This according
00:44:23To a recent lie
00:44:25A man told his wife
00:44:29A video has surfaced
00:44:31In which a quadruple
00:44:32Amputee
00:44:33Cornhole champion
00:44:34Accused of a road
00:44:36Raid shooting
00:44:37Is seen firing
00:44:38Is seen firing
00:44:38A semi-automatic rifle
00:44:39And standing on his head
00:44:41Snorting drugs
00:44:42Off a dollar bill
00:44:44So what's stopping you
00:44:45From living your best life
00:44:52A pig
00:44:54A pig named Merlin
00:44:55That can talk
00:44:56Using pre-programmed buttons
00:44:58Has set a new world record
00:44:59For largest Instagram
00:45:01Following for a pig
00:45:02And that set the record
00:45:04For smartest pork chop
00:45:10You still got that mustache
00:45:12On your finger
00:45:14Doctors are warning
00:45:15Against a TikTok trend
00:45:17And
00:45:17Doctors are warning
00:45:20Against a TikTok trend
00:45:21Which claims people
00:45:22Can cure their hemorrhoids
00:45:23By putting sugar
00:45:24On their anus
00:45:26Putting sugar
00:45:27On an anus
00:45:27Is also the recipe
00:45:28For hostess donuts
00:45:35You can't unsee
00:45:36You can't unsee
00:45:40Speaking of
00:45:41A new book
00:45:42On healthy bowel movements
00:45:43Has been published
00:45:44Called
00:45:45You've been pooping
00:45:46All wrong
00:45:47And they're right
00:45:48I have been
00:45:54Oh boy
00:45:55A new study
00:45:56Has shown
00:45:57That young people today
00:45:58Are having less sex
00:46:00Than at any other point
00:46:01In history
00:46:02Here to comment
00:46:03Is Gen Z sexpert
00:46:04Lent Greer
00:46:06Hi Michael
00:46:09Hi Michael
00:46:10So
00:46:11Sex
00:46:12Let's talk about it
00:46:13Sex is an incredible piece
00:46:15Of the human experience
00:46:16And there's nothing
00:46:17To be ashamed of
00:46:18Whether you're vanilla
00:46:20Or disgusting
00:46:22So you're here
00:46:23To teach Gen Z
00:46:24About healthy sex practices
00:46:26Yes
00:46:26And sex can look
00:46:28Like anything
00:46:28What is it
00:46:32Are you gonna tell us
00:46:33Of course Michael
00:46:34Let's get granular
00:46:35Sex can be any shape
00:46:37It doesn't have to be
00:46:39With someone you love
00:46:40It just has to be
00:46:41At night
00:46:43And you said
00:46:44You're a sex educator
00:46:45Right
00:46:46I am
00:46:47Sex is complicated
00:46:48It's impossible
00:46:49To understand
00:46:50Which is why
00:46:51My sexpert advice
00:46:52Is just do whatever
00:46:55I guess I would hope
00:46:56That as an educator
00:46:57You'd have some guidance
00:46:59Beyond just do whatever
00:47:00Well there are only
00:47:02Two rules in sex
00:47:03One
00:47:03Have fun
00:47:04And two
00:47:05No raping
00:47:06Whoa
00:47:09Whoa
00:47:09You disagree Che
00:47:11No
00:47:12I'm not
00:47:12I don't
00:47:14I just mean
00:47:15That came out of nowhere
00:47:17Well raping
00:47:18Can come out of nowhere
00:47:21Now sex
00:47:22Let's get into it
00:47:23What is it
00:47:24You keep asking that
00:47:26To echo the famous quote
00:47:29I can't define sex
00:47:30But I know it
00:47:32When I'm having it
00:47:34I have a question
00:47:35And don't take this
00:47:36The wrong way
00:47:37But have you had sex before
00:47:43I must have
00:47:46If I hadn't
00:47:47How would I know
00:47:48All of this
00:47:50All of what
00:47:52Look it's okay
00:47:53If you haven't
00:47:53Put it this way Che
00:47:55I've had something
00:47:56That might be sex
00:47:57And I've had it a lot
00:47:58If I haven't had sex
00:48:00Then what do you think
00:48:01I had
00:48:02Is that like a riddle
00:48:03Or something
00:48:04No
00:48:06Here's how it went
00:48:07It's night
00:48:08My friend is there
00:48:10But I don't love him
00:48:11Okay
00:48:12I get on my hands and knees
00:48:14Curl my head down
00:48:15Towards the bed
00:48:16Kick my legs up
00:48:17And go all the way over
00:48:19Then I fall back
00:48:20Breathless
00:48:22That sounds like
00:48:22You did a somersault
00:48:25Yes
00:48:26Sex can look like anything
00:48:28Yeah
00:48:28But not anything
00:48:31Well here's something else
00:48:32I had
00:48:32And I wonder if it was sex
00:48:34Alright go for it
00:48:36I sat on a catcher's mitt
00:48:38That's not sex
00:48:39But it left me breathless
00:48:41Late career everybody
00:48:43Just do whatever
00:48:44But we get nothing
00:48:46I'm Michael Che
00:48:47I'm college
00:48:47Just do whatever
00:48:49College or not
00:48:50Thank you
00:48:52Thank you
00:48:53Thank you
00:49:13I was just looking
00:49:14Through the photo books
00:49:15Seems like grandpa
00:49:16Was a really amazing guy
00:49:18Oh
00:49:19He was honey
00:49:20I'll miss him
00:49:21Yeah I feel bad
00:49:23I feel like
00:49:24Growing up in Florida
00:49:25I never really got to know grandpa
00:49:27Oh well he was a difficult man to know
00:49:29He had his group of friends
00:49:32And that's really it
00:49:33I just hope some of them show up today
00:49:35Hello Katie
00:49:36He's in a better place now
00:49:38Oh thank you father
00:49:40Yeah thank you father
00:49:41Thank you father
00:49:41Oh
00:49:42That was father Murphy
00:49:43From my parish
00:49:44That's sweet of him to come
00:49:45Oh look who it is
00:49:49Oh
00:49:50Oh
00:49:53I'm so sorry for your loss
00:49:56Thank you
00:49:57Thank you for coming
00:49:58Yeah your father will be missed
00:50:00Heaven has gained
00:50:01A freaky little angel today
00:50:05Oh
00:50:06James came out
00:50:07A little different
00:50:08With these two
00:50:10Okay well mom
00:50:11Who was that
00:50:12Oh that was suede
00:50:14How did grandpa know suede
00:50:17Suede was one of his friends
00:50:19From the life
00:50:22What?
00:50:23Oh
00:50:23Why?
00:50:25Oh
00:50:25Crystaline
00:50:26Tribeca you came
00:50:28Hey
00:50:28Sorry for your loss
00:50:30Oh
00:50:32Yeah we brought a few items
00:50:34We thought he'd like to bring to the beyond
00:50:36You mind if we casket them?
00:50:38Oh go right ahead girls
00:50:39Thanks
00:50:40Okay
00:50:48Can't forget my purse
00:50:56Oh
00:50:57I'm sure wherever he is
00:50:59He's looking up at those girls
00:51:01Smiling
00:51:01Looking up?
00:51:05Was grandpa some kind of like
00:51:07Pimp?
00:51:12Your grandfather was
00:51:15Incredible man
00:51:16And when he put on that wig
00:51:18He is one of my best hoes
00:51:21Thanks for coming delicious
00:51:24So
00:51:25I'm sorry
00:51:25Did he say hoes?
00:51:26Yeah that's what I said
00:51:27Little man
00:51:28So who's gonna flip him over?
00:51:30He would've wanted to be buried
00:51:32How he lived
00:51:33Face down
00:51:34Booty up
00:51:36What is he talking about mom?
00:51:38Honey just a moment
00:51:39Just a moment
00:51:40So how have you been delicious?
00:51:42You keeping the girls in line?
00:51:44You keeping it 100?
00:51:44As always
00:51:45As always
00:51:47Gosh
00:51:47You know what I miss about your daddy?
00:51:50You could have your way with him
00:51:52No matter what you look like
00:51:54As long as you paid him his dollar
00:51:57That's right
00:51:59One dollar?
00:52:01Oh where are my manners?
00:52:03Delicious
00:52:03These are my sons
00:52:05Mike and Jake
00:52:09Nice to meet you both
00:52:10You
00:52:12Could earn
00:52:16You
00:52:17Go to college
00:52:20What?
00:52:22Mom
00:52:23Was grandpa like a sex worker?
00:52:27Oh no honey
00:52:29He preferred the term boy whore
00:52:33Hey I'm so sorry for your loss
00:52:35I'm gonna miss Jim
00:52:36But I'll always have a piece of him
00:52:38Right here
00:52:39Oh
00:52:39Oh my gosh
00:52:40Grandpa is the father?
00:52:42No
00:52:42Muffin is the father
00:52:43I was talking about my ink
00:52:45Oh
00:52:48Speaking of
00:52:49Have you seen Muffin?
00:52:50Oh I think he's saying his final goodbyes
00:52:52Woo
00:52:55Woo
00:52:56Yo I am pleased to report
00:53:00That rigor mortis
00:53:02Has satan
00:53:05Woo
00:53:05Dude this is insane
00:53:08Why is he in there?
00:53:09Why is he going back in there?
00:53:19Sorry are you laughing or crying?
00:53:22Laughing because the good times happen
00:53:25Crying because they're over
00:53:26Oh
00:53:27You're a poet White Coco
00:53:30These are my sons Mike and Jake
00:53:32Mmm pleasure
00:53:34Pleasure would be your street name
00:53:36If you weren't for me
00:53:37Think about it
00:53:39Nice to meet you Jake
00:53:46I'm sorry
00:53:47How many pimps did Grandpa have?
00:53:51How many pimps?
00:53:53You might as well
00:53:56You're asking how many pimps
00:53:57You might as well ask how many stars there are in the sky
00:54:01That'd be four
00:54:04I am very sorry for your loss Katie
00:54:06Oh thank you Mac Daddy Vanilla
00:54:13And uh
00:54:14You must be the famous Mike
00:54:16I've heard so much about
00:54:17You give me a call if you want to live that life
00:54:24And uh you
00:54:25What were you uh
00:54:26Adopted from the Shire?
00:54:30Yeah
00:54:31Bugly ass hoe
00:54:36Okay
00:54:37Um
00:54:38Mom
00:54:39What is the life?
00:54:41Yeah
00:54:41And why can't I live it?
00:54:43Oh
00:54:44Oh honey
00:54:45You can do anything you set your mind to
00:54:48Really?
00:54:49Alright then
00:54:50I'm really gonna do it
00:54:52I'm really gonna do it
00:55:24Once again, Anita.
00:55:50I can't imagine you, I can't imagine you, you said you were going to stay and you're not.
00:55:59Several mistakes, several mistakes for you.
00:56:06Because you did that with me, 200 nights at all.
00:56:14And I don't know if you're enamored.
00:56:20I think you've met them.
00:56:27Because you did that with me, 200 nights at all.
00:56:36And I don't know if you're enamored.
00:56:41Y yo pensando que con usted había encontrado el amor
00:56:45Lo haces todo igual de bien que mientes, mi peor error
00:56:52Y yo pensando que con usted había encontrado el amor
00:56:56Lo haces todo igual de bien que mientes, mi peor error
00:57:04Sabía yo que iba a lo ver
00:57:08El problema es que te besé y me olvidé
00:57:14Sabía yo que iba a lo ver
00:57:18El problema es que te besé y me olvidé
00:57:23Varias quejas, varias quejas para usted
00:57:30Porque quisiste eso conmigo
00:57:36Doscientas noches a tu lado
00:57:41Doscientas noches enamorado
00:57:44Varias quejas, varias quejas para usted
00:57:51Porque quisiste eso conmigo
00:57:57Doscientas noches a tu lado
00:58:00Y no sé si te vas enamorado
00:58:05Varias quejas
00:58:27Yéééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééé
00:58:52I wonder what the new teacher's gonna be like.
00:58:55Probably just like all the other instructors here at Sherwood Academy, another boring humdrum stiff.
00:59:07Discipline, memorization, conformity.
00:59:11All these things have one thing in common.
00:59:14They're not welcome in my classroom.
00:59:19But, sir, the Academy creed is the learned boy shall conform.
00:59:25Phooey, boys.
00:59:27Throw your pencils on the floor.
00:59:29But the floor is where the dirt is.
00:59:32Oh, do it anyway.
00:59:35Okay.
00:59:36This is crazy.
00:59:38What we're doing is crazy.
00:59:43Let me tell you something.
00:59:46You won't find anything in a textbook you can't find in your heart.
00:59:55Uh, hey, man.
00:59:57I see what you're doing with the whole free-spirited teaching thing, and that might work in, like, a poetry
01:00:02class.
01:00:02Yes.
01:00:03Now you're getting it.
01:00:04Yeah, but this is math.
01:00:08Right.
01:00:09Math.
01:00:11You've probably all been taught that five times five is 25.
01:00:16But what if it wasn't?
01:00:18It is, though.
01:00:20It's 25.
01:00:21But it doesn't have to be.
01:00:24Boy Red.
01:00:28Make up a number.
01:00:30A number no one's even heard of before.
01:00:32Um, beleventy?
01:00:35Oh!
01:00:37Excellent.
01:00:38How did that feel?
01:00:40I mean, it felt weird coming out.
01:00:43And it should.
01:00:45Oh, you.
01:00:46A number.
01:00:48Um, um, um, crystal three?
01:00:51Wonderful.
01:00:52Now, what do we get when we add crystal three plus beleventy?
01:00:57What should it be?
01:00:58Um, maybe, uh, maybe flu, uh, fluty two?
01:01:04Oh!
01:01:04Yes, it's fluty two.
01:01:06Chills.
01:01:07I have chills.
01:01:08Fruity two.
01:01:09Yes, now, that's math without conformity.
01:01:13Uh, okay, uh, yeah, but math needs to conform in order to solve, like, real-world problems.
01:01:18Oh, wow.
01:01:19We can solve problems.
01:01:21Like 30.
01:01:23Why do you think we haven't solved 30 yet?
01:01:28Because 30's not a problem.
01:01:29It's a number.
01:01:31And what if all the numbers had a color?
01:01:34Like, what if I hold up this many and say there was orange, and this many was one of
01:01:42the other colors?
01:01:43Uh, lilac.
01:01:45That many could be lilac.
01:01:47Yes, and now you've made up a color, too.
01:01:49Ha-ho!
01:01:51Let's try calculus.
01:01:52Hey, man, I don't want to see you do calculus.
01:01:55You were just counting on your fingers.
01:01:57I mean, we're trying to get into college.
01:01:58Why?
01:01:59So you can go off into the world and get some kind of job?
01:02:04Yes.
01:02:06Or so you can invent, uh, invent a machine?
01:02:08It was the first thing.
01:02:10It was the first thing that you said.
01:02:13There you go.
01:02:15Student teaching the teacher.
01:02:17I love it.
01:02:19Let's all go around.
01:02:21Everyone do a lesson.
01:02:22Um, uh, why does Spanish math have cuatro, but not English?
01:02:27I don't know.
01:02:28Let's put that in.
01:02:30Um, what if a one and two were married, and three was their baby, and then four was their
01:02:37neighbor?
01:02:38What?
01:02:39And, uh, what would five be?
01:02:41Could five be, like, their friend?
01:02:42Uh, uh, uh, uh, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
01:02:46That was everything I had.
01:02:47I'm sorry.
01:02:49Well, five would be the dog.
01:02:55Genius.
01:02:57You're a genius custodian.
01:03:00Join us.
01:03:01Put that down.
01:03:01Oh, okay.
01:03:04Somebody buy that man a beer after class.
01:03:07We're 14.
01:03:09Wait, I got one.
01:03:10When, um, when counting, what if you could count every number in one breath?
01:03:15What are we, what are we, what are we, what are we, oh, never mind, you can't.
01:03:20Oh, oh, well, um, why can you divide two numbers, but not unite two numbers?
01:03:27Ooh.
01:03:27You can.
01:03:28It's addition.
01:03:32This, this might get me in trouble, but I think I'm attracted to eight.
01:03:36Eight, it's got that itty bitty waist with that thang down below.
01:03:41Yes.
01:03:43Academically speaking, eight.
01:03:47It's slim thick.
01:03:49Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
01:03:52This is all nonsense.
01:03:53I mean, we're just making crap up.
01:03:55Why don't we call this my mom?
01:03:57Oh, hello, mommy.
01:03:59What?
01:04:00And look, mother, oh, this is a door, and I'm a butterfly, and I can fly.
01:04:14This did not happen.
01:04:15I was not here.
01:04:18He's the teacher.
01:04:19Good day.
01:04:22Okie dokie, students.
01:04:23Why don't we open our textbooks to page, uh, Flutey 2?
01:04:27And today we talking eight.
01:04:47We're just four normal teams living in the suburbs.
01:04:51But we do have a secret.
01:04:53We transform into animals to battle evil aliens.
01:04:57But we always transform back in time for dinner.
01:05:00Saving humanity, that's easy.
01:05:03The hard part is our homework.
01:05:06We're the Beastomorphs.
01:05:11You crazy Earth kids may think you've seen the last of me, but I'll be back.
01:05:18Good job, gang.
01:05:19We sent that evil alien Chumungus back to the lousy planet he came from.
01:05:24Uh-oh.
01:05:25It's 6 p.m.
01:05:26My mom's meatloaf is waiting for us.
01:05:28Let's Beastomorph.
01:05:34Nice.
01:05:35And my hair didn't even get messed up.
01:05:41Who's chicken now?
01:05:45This little piggy kicks some alien butt.
01:05:48Good one.
01:05:49Now my turn.
01:05:58Why are you all looking at me like that?
01:06:00Let me guess.
01:06:01My hair got messed up.
01:06:03Lizzie, don't freak out.
01:06:05But when you combination sneeze farted, you got stuck mid-morph.
01:06:08You can't show up for mom's meatloaf looking like that.
01:06:10Brittany, stop.
01:06:11We all know your mom's gone and you just eat chips.
01:06:13I don't just eat chips.
01:06:15I eat chips and soda.
01:06:18Okay, hey, we can figure this out, guys.
01:06:19Let's put our heads together.
01:06:21Oh, Lizzie.
01:06:22Can you just look at the wall while we talk?
01:06:24Sure.
01:06:25Oh.
01:06:26Ooh.
01:06:26Oh.
01:06:26A little hard to see.
01:06:28I'm kind of looking in two directions at once.
01:06:30Thanks, guys.
01:06:31How can we fix this?
01:06:32Okay.
01:06:33Maybe if I sneeze and then fart again, I can change back.
01:06:39Lizzie, stop.
01:06:40You're going to hurt yourself.
01:06:41Maybe if I fart twice, then sneeze once, then burp.
01:06:45Ah.
01:06:46Achoo.
01:06:48Yuck.
01:06:49That didn't work.
01:06:50Okay.
01:06:51What about, um, sneeze, fart, pause, spin around, fart three times quickly, burp once, then fart again?
01:06:57Definitely not.
01:06:58Maybe if I do it?
01:06:59Yeah.
01:07:03Ooh.
01:07:07How's it going?
01:07:16Oh, no.
01:07:17Chumungus is coming.
01:07:18It's time to roll back.
01:07:19That's right.
01:07:20The great Chumungus has returned.
01:07:22You Earth kids may have thought you've defeated me, but I'm more powerful than I am.
01:07:26Oh, my God.
01:07:27It smells like **** in here.
01:07:29Sorry.
01:07:29We've all been spinning, farting, and burping for the past few minutes.
01:07:32Why?
01:07:33Actually, never mind.
01:07:34I don't care.
01:07:35Prepare to die.
01:07:37You.
01:07:41Beautiful creature.
01:07:42You're just about the most perfect thing I've ever seen.
01:07:46You really think so?
01:07:48Yes.
01:07:50There's just one problem.
01:07:52What is it?
01:07:54That frog hand ain't got my thing in it.
01:07:57Ew, dude.
01:07:59Sorry.
01:07:59Is that, like, a big deal for you guys?
01:08:01That's, like, less than first base where I'm from.
01:08:03Where I'm from, if you go visit your grandmother in the hospital, you lean over, and your grandma just grabs
01:08:08your thing.
01:08:08Out of respect.
01:08:10What?
01:08:11So what do you say?
01:08:12You want to be my queen of Chumungia?
01:08:15Well, it sure beats homework.
01:08:18I want to hurt this shoe.
01:08:20Ah!
01:08:21It's going to be great.
01:08:31It's going to be great.
01:08:45Oh, my God!
01:08:53Tonight is for all the little boys in the inner cities.
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