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00:07Why are we having a barbecue it's freezing because four days ago is really hot
00:14Let's play a drinking game. Okay, I'll stop never have I ever
00:19Kissed two boys on the same night
00:22guilty
00:24Me next never have I ever accidentally booked a neo-nazi to headline a music festival
00:33Go you said you wouldn't be
00:41Been friends with Jeffrey Epstein
00:51Is that Melania Trump I said never have I ever been friends with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein
01:01What are you doing in a garden in Croydon I am here to stop you nasty people spreading rumors about
01:08me
01:09We weren't doing that we weren't even talking about you
01:13Oh
01:16Are you okay of course not now?
01:24Okay, truth or dare
01:27Michael how dare you accuse me of female friendship with short-haired sex trafficker Gisle and Maxwell
01:36I
01:36Bring up all the Epstein stuff. Yeah, like your husband literally started a war to distract us from it
01:42It was kind of working to refer to a lot
01:44Yeah, new game
01:46Sure, that's I go first
01:49Is it the Epstein files?
01:50Yes
01:53Oh
01:53And oh look I am not in them
01:58This area has changed so much since they open that gales
02:05Look it was really nice meeting you but we're gonna go back inside
02:09Good idea
02:10Let's go inside
02:11No
02:12Not you you're making it weird
02:16I beg for one last chance
02:19I have no friends since they all randomly died in a maximum security prison
02:28Fine but this is legit your last chance diva
02:30Okay, okay final game two truths and lie
02:34I love my new friends
02:36I like poor people
02:39you
02:41and
02:47Hi
02:53it's saturday night live
03:07I
03:09Ayawade Bamboye
03:15Larry Dean
03:23Les Briggs
03:28George Boracan
03:35Anya Magliano
03:40Annabelle Marlowe
03:45Al Nash
03:51Junction
03:59Emma Smithy
04:04Honey Young
04:11Musical guest Georgia Smith
04:18And your host Jack Whitehall
04:30Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!
04:49Hello, good evening! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Jack Whitehall and I'm so excited to be your host
04:55tonight. And can I start by saying what an amazing series it has already been. SNL UK crushing it.
05:03There's some amazing hosts as well. Week one they had SNL royalty. Week two they had an international sex symbol.
05:11Week three an Academy Award winner. And this week you guys get the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
05:20Oh yeah. The stuff of dreams. SNL UK. I love that. Do you know what else I love? I love
05:26that finally we've taken one of their shows. Right?
05:31Yeah, America's had enough of ours. Yeah, they had the office. The Bake Off. They had that one. The reality
05:38show my fiance loves. The one where they follow the dating lives of people with learning difficulties. Love Island. Love
05:45Island.
05:45That's the one. You weren't sure about that one. It's fine. You can edit it out. No. I...
05:54This is a big deal. This is a big deal hosting this. But do you know what? It's not even
05:57the biggest thing that's going on in my life right now. Because next week I am genuinely getting married.
06:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
06:03Thank you. Yeah, I really shouldn't be here. I am the groom though. That's very much a ceremonial role. I
06:11just am there to nod everything through. It has been noted. The other day my fiance turned to me. She
06:15went, Jack, you're going to be here.
06:15In one of those meetings with the wedding planners, when they were talking to you, it was literally like they
06:20were talking to a wall.
06:21I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.
06:26It is honestly out of control. The flowers, the canapes, the band. We only went and booked bloody Scott Mills
06:33as the wedding DJ.
06:36Not seeing that deposit again.
06:39Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke. That is a word right now that makes my sphincter clench.
06:46She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right, these ridiculous things. It was like on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in
06:54quill by a blind Franciscan monk.
06:57Bits of parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta, sealed with a gold ribbon
07:03and delivered to all of our guests via Peacock.
07:06They asked me all I wanted for invitations. I said, what is wrong with a WhatsApp group?
07:11Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they asked to bring a child.
07:16Nope. Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead. A calligrapher. How is that still even a thing?
07:22Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs. How has it not come for the calligraphers
07:29already?
07:30How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?
07:34Oh, I'll tell you how! This schmuck here!
07:38Really gone for the calligraphy community tonight.
07:41You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters in beautiful handwriting.
07:48We over-invited as well. The other day, my missus, she turned to me and she said,
07:53Oh, Jack, you know, sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.
07:57You couldn't have mentioned that before?
08:00Where was this attitude six months ago? I don't want to see any of these people!
08:05I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic!
08:10Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.
08:13Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.
08:16I got an unbelievable deal on two weeks narrowboating down the Straits of Hormuz.
08:24Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.
08:28Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding.
08:31Literally, in that the whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.
08:40We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan. That's very stressful, right?
08:44I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two guests coming, right?
08:47And they slept together, like, years ago, and now they do not talk.
08:52I know, awkward. I was like, surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee.
08:56But my fiancé is insisting that my mum and dad sit together.
09:00And I...
09:04It's so nice to be.
09:05It's so nice to be here this evening as well, to have a little bit of a distraction.
09:09Thank you, because...
09:11Yeah.
09:13I'm going to let you into a little secret.
09:15Tonight is also the night that my fiancé is on a hen-do, so...
09:19It's really nice to be here, yeah.
09:21I'm here with you, cracking gag.
09:23She is currently in Soho, getting dry humped by one of Magic Mike.
09:27Which also means that, technically, this is kind of my second stag.
09:31Oh, yeah!
09:33We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys.
09:35Stick around for some hilarious sketches and music from the amazing Georgia Smith!
09:44Thank you for Gary Thomas!
09:49Gary is still the highest-scoring striker ever to play for Albion.
09:53And he owes a lot to the first man ever to teach him to kick a ball.
09:57His old-school teacher, Ted Bagley.
10:01He probably won't recognise me, because he won't believe it's me.
10:07Hello, Gary.
10:08Long time no see.
10:11Mr Bagley?
10:13You're alive?
10:15I'm alive, he says.
10:17How are you doing?
10:19Someone said you was dead.
10:21I'm so glad with how well you've done for yourself.
10:26You're so supportive.
10:27You're kind of like having me as his...
10:28Kind of like his special guy.
10:31Hello, Gary.
10:34Mrs Todd?
10:37Seriously?
10:38Who was dead?
10:38Well, I'm not as sprightly as they used to be, but still going.
10:42Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher for a couple of weeks
10:46when Montshire Duran was helping the police with their enquiries.
10:49But we're all so proud of Gary.
10:57Hello?
10:58Gary, son.
11:01Dead?
11:02No, hold on, no, definitely dead.
11:04Not yet, boy.
11:06That's all you learned into the grand.
11:07No, man.
11:08I was never in there.
11:11I left his mother and we agreed it were better he thought I was dead.
11:17I'd only moved two streets over.
11:20Hey!
11:24Hello, Gary.
11:26My God.
11:29It's the jogger I hit on that misty country lane.
11:33That I finished it off with a brick before I fled the scene.
11:36I ended up sticking a metal plate in my bonts.
11:39I can't believe it.
11:42I loved that three-kick you scored against Watford.
11:55I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.
11:57I thought he was both dead as well.
12:03I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.
12:22All right, lads, you hear that?
12:24There's 50,000 people counting on us.
12:26Let's get fired up.
12:29Three points, boys.
12:30Are we going to do it?
12:31We got this.
12:32Let's score goals and have them score no goals.
12:34Yes!
12:34Let's go!
12:35Hey, guys.
12:36Hey, guys.
12:37I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.
12:40Now, these are our lucky competition winners.
12:43Say hello to the boys.
12:44Hello.
12:44Yeah.
12:46All right.
12:46Now, once you've walked out there and said hello to the big crowd, I'll take you to
12:50mum and dad.
12:50OK?
12:52Thanks, lads.
12:52You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days.
12:55All right.
12:55Thank you for the badge.
12:56All right, lads.
12:57Let's do this.
12:57Let's go!
12:59Hey, guys.
13:00Quick question before we go out.
13:01Yes, Josie?
13:02Does anyone want to swap kids?
13:11What do you mean swap kids?
13:13Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of your kids.
13:18I don't like my one.
13:22I mean, what's wrong with your one?
13:24Well, look.
13:25Something's off about it.
13:27They're just kids, man.
13:28Let's get out there and play.
13:29Yeah, but that's the thing, though.
13:31I feel like if I walk out there with this one, I'm going to play badly.
13:35That's ridiculous.
13:36Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?
13:37Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?
13:39No one's swapping kids.
13:42That's easy for you to say.
13:43You got a good one.
13:44Leave it.
13:46This is the derby.
13:47No distraction.
13:48No distraction.
13:48This is so unfair.
13:51Last week when we played Fulham, I got the worst one then, too, but I didn't say anything.
13:55And then I played really badly.
13:56So this time, I'm speaking up.
13:59Oh, my God's sake.
14:00Oh, my God's sake.
14:00Maybe we should just swap out of kids.
14:02Are you serious?
14:05Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out there.
14:08Fine, but just so you know, this is ridiculous.
14:10There you go.
14:15There, happy?
14:17Thank you, I really appreciate it.
14:19Oh, okay.
14:19Ready, lads?
14:20We're ready!
14:20Let's go!
14:21Actually, no.
14:22What?
14:23This one's worse.
14:25Are you serious right now?
14:27Yeah, I'm going to be honest.
14:28Now that I've got this one, I'm getting big adolescence vibes.
14:32Couldn't tell from far away.
14:34Alright, well, I'm not swapping back if that's what you're asking.
14:36Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back.
14:38You tricked me into accepting an absolute stinker and got away with it.
14:41Well, that's your problem, isn't it?
14:43Hang on, bro.
14:44Did you willingly swap kids knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?
14:47Hey, that's not on!
14:48Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.
14:50Alright, so what have I did?
14:51I'm a captain.
14:52I stand at the front.
14:52I should get one of the best kids.
14:56Guys, guys.
14:57This is getting toxic.
14:58We need a random reshuffle of the kids.
15:00And that's big of me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best one I've had all season.
15:04What are you talking about?
15:05You always get the good ones.
15:06I always get the bad kids.
15:07That's not true!
15:08That's not true!
15:09Guys, guys.
15:10We had a good system when I was at Burnley.
15:12We wrote each kid on a piece of paper and pulled them from a hat.
15:15But, if you got Man of the Match the week before, and you weren't happy with your first kids, you
15:20were allowed for one to redraw.
15:22Yeah, alright.
15:22It sounds alright.
15:23Guys!
15:25Guys!
15:25Listen to yourselves!
15:27This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?
15:30They might have a favourite player.
15:31Could really make their day.
15:32Shut up!
15:33Are you stupid?
15:34I vote for the Burnley system.
15:36Right.
15:36Burnley system it is.
15:38I'll get a hat.
15:39Start the game without me!
15:40Following!
15:50Sorry!
15:57That's what you did!
15:57Sorry!
15:58You said the game was on a line.
16:00I'm not a fan!
16:00I'm not a fan.
16:00You said it was long.
16:05You said it was long.
16:08I'm not a fan.
16:09You said it was long.
16:10You said it was long.
16:16Hello, and welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.
16:20I'm so good I can host quiz shows,
16:22but Stephen Mulhern could never read the news.
16:25Let's welcome our first contender.
16:36Your name?
16:37Ben Michael.
16:38Your occupation?
16:40Something in IT.
16:42And your specialist subject?
16:45Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection to.
16:50That's right, your mum Sue is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything about everyone.
16:56In two minutes, your time starts now.
16:59Who recently had a tyre stolen off their caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?
17:03Peggy and Len.
17:06Yes, why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin?
17:09She got a free one by pretending to be a registered childminder.
17:14Yes, whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving instructor think they saw?
17:19Nick Knowles.
17:22Yes, and for a bonus point, what was he eating?
17:24Chicken from his jacket pocket.
17:27Yes, in 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what white liquid?
17:32Out-of-date sun cream?
17:34No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.
17:38Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?
17:41Because his gout flare-up means he currently can't wear shoes.
17:44Yes, what's this?
17:47Oh, I know this.
17:48What is that?
17:49That is Lin's post-op scar?
17:51No, Joe from number 17's brand new patio.
17:55Ah, I knew that.
17:56Who died last week?
17:58Gillian of Gary and Gillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.
18:03Yes, and for a bonus point, what from?
18:04Oh, Mum did tell me that.
18:06Ah, sorry, pass.
18:09What noise has Miriam Martin's air fryer started making?
18:13Um, uh...
18:18No, it's...
18:23On Tuesday, what piece of information did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?
18:27That Pat has a new gate.
18:28Yes.
18:33Why is Raul, the tree surgeon, divorcing his wife?
18:35Because she cheated on him.
18:37I need you to be more specific.
18:39With a very tall woman.
18:42I'll accept that.
18:45In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?
18:48Uh, Las Iguanas?
18:50No, Turtle Bay.
18:52Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?
18:54Uh, Angela from Next Door's brother-in-law's husband's plumber's sister's friend Gary Fulcher.
18:59Hey, that's me.
19:03Yes, according to her doctor, I've started so I'll finish,
19:07who has a rare glandular condition that makes her sweat smell exactly like gravy.
19:13Angie from the co-op.
19:15Yes, Ben, at the end of that round you have ten points and one pass.
19:18The answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.
19:21Ah, yeah, sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.
19:26That's why you must always listen to Mummy.
19:32Our next contender, please.
19:42Your name?
19:43Polly Holton.
19:44Your occupation?
19:45Uh, something else in IT.
19:47And your specialist subject?
19:49Life-changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs-up emoji.
20:02Dad, I go into art school.
20:04What's that got to do with World War II?
20:07Struggling to connect with your dad?
20:09You're not alone.
20:10Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect with.
20:15They're the trained Wi-Fi of people.
20:18But have you ever wondered if, maybe, you've just got the wrong one?
20:22Introducing Dadswap.
20:25Dadswap.
20:26Using an advanced algorithm, Dadswap takes your hobbies and passions and matches you...
20:31...with a brand new dad.
20:35Bonjour!
20:36New son!
20:38Oh!
20:38Oh!
20:39Oh!
20:39Oh!
20:40Oh!
20:41Oh!
20:45My dad didn't know how to raise a girl, but Steve does. Don't you, Steve?
20:50I'm a girl dad now.
20:53I'm a punk rocker, but all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was bossa nova.
20:57Thanks to Dadswap, I found the punk daddy just for me.
21:01Ah!
21:02Ah!
21:02Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:06Ah!
21:06Ah!
21:07I was able to accept my sexuality, but now, thanks to Dadswap, I have a gay dad who has
21:12all the same hobbies as me.
21:17One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic feelings for
21:22your new dad.
21:25We both have to paint.
21:26We've got so much to talk about.
21:28And now, we're engaged!
21:33I mean, they're both adults.
21:35They're not related, so technically, it is allowed.
21:39It's not just gay dads.
21:41It's not just gay dads.
21:42I'm also dating my new dad.
21:44It's not illegal.
21:45I know!
21:46I said, it's technically allowed, but I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.
21:55I do understand how this has happened, obviously, a man has just moved into your house.
22:01You're both emotionally vulnerable.
22:03You're both emotionally vulnerable.
22:03He's got all the same hobbies as you.
22:04He's just left his wife.
22:06You're spending more and more time together.
22:10I've invested so much money in this app.
22:13I've absolutely f***ed it.
22:17I downloaded DadSwap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.
22:21That's not a dad.
22:23That's a boyfriend.
22:24There's other apps for doing that.
22:26This one is for swapping dads.
22:30DadSwap.
22:31If it happens, it happens.
22:33It's not illegal.
22:34I know.
22:47Here we are on the 18th hole.
22:50You could cut the tension with a knife.
22:52We're not whispering.
22:53This is just as loud as our voices can go.
22:56If you're joining us at the Masters, we're at the end of a marathon playoff between Ian Connor and Sven
23:02Nielsen.
23:02And Ian Connor is just one putt away from his first Masters title.
23:07Here goes.
23:14And he's finally done it.
23:16Look how much it means to him.
23:18Amazing.
23:19And here comes his wife.
23:22Oh, look at the emotion.
23:25Oh, and a lovely little kiss there.
23:28Beautiful scenes.
23:29Here comes his trusty caddy, Bruce Atkins.
23:32They've been together for years.
23:34That's lovely.
23:35And, oh.
23:37Looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.
23:39Fantastic scenes.
23:41Oh, and here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent.
23:42He fought so valiantly today a true competitor.
23:44Big handshake there.
23:45What a gentleman.
23:46Oh, yeah.
23:47A consolatory kiss for him too.
23:49What sportsmanship.
23:50Amazing scenes.
23:51And here comes Sven's wife.
23:53Oh, yeah.
23:54It looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.
23:56And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green.
24:00And she's...
24:01What?
24:01Yeah.
24:02She's sharing a little kiss with her husband's opponent.
24:04But will the wives go in for a kiss too?
24:06Yeah.
24:06Oh.
24:07They will.
24:08Yes.
24:09And now they're...
24:10Oh, yeah.
24:10They're all sharing little kisses with each other.
24:12This is what golf is all about.
24:15Yes.
24:16The atmosphere here is electric.
24:18Oh.
24:19And what's happening now is that...
24:20Yep.
24:21It looks like they're all swapping keys.
24:23Wow.
24:24That's a big step for any polycule.
24:26Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving it.
24:29Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.
24:32And...
24:33Oh.
24:33Yep.
24:33It looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony.
24:36Promising to treat each other with respect and always maintain open communication.
24:41What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.
24:43Yeah.
24:43Yeah.
24:44Couldn't have said it better myself.
24:46Oh.
24:46And what's happening now?
24:49I think that...
24:50Yeah.
24:50They have.
24:51They've ordered a super king-sized mattress that they can all sleep on together.
24:55That's the biggest mattress size you can get.
24:57Amazing scenes.
24:58Yeah.
24:59And you have to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement.
25:01Boy-girl, boy-girl.
25:02Boy-girl.
25:02Absolutely.
25:03They're watching Masters at work.
25:05Then they're signing for the package.
25:07And...
25:08Oh.
25:08Yeah.
25:08Now he's giving...
25:11Oh.
25:12Here come the wives.
25:13They're showing a little kiss with the delivery driver too.
25:17But whoa.
25:18Looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.
25:22Unprecedented scenes and...
25:24Oh.
25:24It looks like now the other three members are explaining to Ian that he's being replaced in the polycule by
25:29the delivery guy.
25:33Golf can be such a cruel sport.
25:37It truly can.
25:39It truly, truly can.
25:41And...
25:42Oh.
25:42What's this?
25:43It looks like Ian's taking his phone out.
25:45I think he's...
25:46Yep.
25:46He's getting back on the apps.
25:48Yeah.
25:49He's looking for some rebound sex.
25:50And...
25:51Can you blame him?
25:52After the day he's had.
25:53First he bogeyed the fifth hole.
25:55Then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.
25:58Oh.
25:59What's this?
26:00Looks like he's found a match.
26:01You're right.
26:02Is that...
26:02It is.
26:03It's Bruce Atkins.
26:04His old caddy.
26:06Amazing.
26:06Those two have so much history together.
26:09But finally they can consummate their unspoken love.
26:14What a day.
26:18What a day of golf we have witnessed.
26:21It just goes to show sometimes the love of your life can be right underneath your nose.
26:26Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years but you can't bring yourself to say anything for
26:32fear of rejection.
26:32Well I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are reciprocated and the other person is just waiting
26:38for the first person to make a move.
26:52Well that's it for the golf today.
26:54Join us next week for the live tournament in Saudi Arabia where we won't be invited.
26:58Goodnight.
27:11Ladies and gentlemen, Georgia Smith.
27:29I didn't hope that you'd be here tonight.
27:36I saw you again, think this was real and fine
27:44Nothing was shared, it was all in your eyes
27:50Can I get close even for just one time?
27:58These little things that get me high
28:02Won't you come with me and spend the night?
28:05Just a little bit for you and I
28:09It's meant to be the mess all right
28:12These little things that get me high
28:16Won't you come with me and spend the night?
28:20Just a little bit for you and I
28:23It's meant to be the mess all right
28:27With you in such a sweet escape
28:30So if we leave, will anybody know too?
28:35If you don't wanna play these games
28:37Just tell me what you need and we can go there
28:41Only for the weekend
28:43I just said stop with my friends
28:45Don't tell me that you're leaving
28:48Think I came at the right time
28:50Do you know what's on my mind?
28:52Can you stay for the evening?
28:55It's a little things that get me high
28:59Won't you come with me and spend the night?
29:02Just a little bit for you and I
29:06And if it's meant to be the mess all right
29:09It's a little things that get me high
29:13Won't you come with me and spend the night?
29:16Just a little bit for you and I
29:20And if it's meant to be the mess all right
29:24It's a little things that get me high
29:26And keep me going
29:27Just a little bit of you and I
29:29Nobody knows it
29:31Just a little thing for you and I
29:34Just a little bit of you and I
29:36Nobody knows it
29:38It's a little things that get me high
29:40And keep me going
29:41Just a little bit of you and I
29:44Nobody knows it
29:45Just a little thing for you and I
29:48Just a little bit of you and I
29:51What time is it when the party starts?
30:25What time is it when the party starts?
30:31What time is it when the party starts?
30:51What time is it when the party starts?
31:21Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
31:25And I'm Anya Magliano.
31:29Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week,
31:34just in time for the evening-do of the Iran war.
31:37Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube,
31:42was accompanied on the trip by a team of reporters.
31:45And after spending three days with Keir Starmer,
31:47they might be the first journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves.
31:55Due to security constraints,
31:58Starmer was only able to travel with a small number of journalists,
32:01or what the Saudi Crown Prince would call a suitcase full.
32:06In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes,
32:12which is a useful reminder to put your phone away
32:15and just enjoy missile strikes in the moment.
32:20Disgraced former minister and friend of Jeffrey Epstein,
32:23Peter Mandelson, seen here connecting his cock to Bluetooth,
32:27is being fined £300 for urinating in public.
32:32I feel sorry for Mandelson.
32:34We've all been there.
32:35Not there. Jesus.
32:37I'm there needing a wee.
32:39This morning, the Artemis II mission returned to Earth.
32:43Mission commander Reid Wiseman said there were, quote,
32:54President Donald Trump managed to speak to the crew on the phone this week
33:02while they were on the other side of the moon.
33:04So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would.
33:09Artemis II splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean.
33:12It was called a monumental achievement by the scientific community
33:15and the darkest day in our history by the pod of dolphins it smashed into.
33:23Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches
33:26after, quote, showing off to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip.
33:31Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon.
33:36The Grand National took place today and in a weekend update exclusive,
33:40we have the winner of the race with us in the studio, it's Paul Townend.
33:48Hello, everyone. Good evening.
33:51Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win.
33:53What was it like out there?
33:55Well, to be fair, tough race for me.
33:57First couple of fences I find tricky,
34:00but after a few furlongs, I pushed through and took the trophy.
34:09Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt?
34:12Hi. Can we help you?
34:14No, it's weird.
34:15I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the Grand National.
34:18And then I turn up,
34:19and you're chatting to this free-riding prick.
34:22Sorry, who are you?
34:24My name's I am Maximus, right?
34:26The horse that actually won the Grand National.
34:28No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.
34:31The absolute cheek of this guy.
34:33What exactly did you contribute?
34:35I'm 6% body fat, I can run at 35 miles an hour.
34:38I got a dick like a Pringles tube, by the way.
34:41So, what was your skill set again?
34:42Oh, yes, being 4'9".
34:44How dare you!
34:45How dare you!
34:46Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
34:48Let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure.
34:53Well, I worked hard, too.
34:55It's grueling.
34:56I sprained my elbow.
34:59Oh, yeah.
35:00You sprained your elbow, and what happened?
35:01They'd cover you up in a white tent and shoot you?
35:03Yeah, I thought not.
35:05That's standard practice.
35:07Standard practice?
35:07You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?
35:10You don't know what it's like out there, man.
35:13Brutal heat, scary jumps.
35:15Not to mention, you're with me.
35:16Nay, I told you, I wasn't into that.
35:19I made my boundaries very clear.
35:21Nay means nay.
35:26Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry.
35:29I didn't know you felt that way.
35:31Is there anything I can do?
35:34Let me ride you.
35:37What?
35:38Let me ride you.
35:42Here.
35:44Live on Sky TV.
35:46And stream the next day on Peacock.
35:49Yeah.
35:50Let me know the thrill of commanding another.
35:53Okay, just this once.
35:55Get on.
35:56Oh, that's it.
35:59How's it feel?
36:01Good, yeah.
36:03Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket?
36:05We're right!
36:06We're right!
36:07The Pringles national winners, everyone!
36:15Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps him tour at the age of 85.
36:20That and having been in a band called The Beatles.
36:25New research from Oxford University has found that artificial intelligence can be used to detect fat that is otherwise invisible
36:33to the human eye.
36:35Who do you think you are?
37:04Who do you think you are?
37:04My mum!
37:04Palantir, Palantir, driving productivity across the UK through AI-powered software.
37:12Steve?
37:18Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast from Peterborough, has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects.
37:28Well done, Steve.
37:29Here's your medication.
37:33What time is it?
37:34It's prison time!
37:38That's right!
37:40X-Factors Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.
37:43After giving an emotional speech to court, he's got the jury's vote, but will he impress the judges?
37:51In a new effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany are planning to ban the night-time use of automatic
37:59lawnmowers,
37:59or as German hedgehogs call them, Nachtkunst.
38:04The Welsh town of Ebu Vale has been named Britain's fattest town, much to the annoyance of its mayor.
38:11These labels don't help us.
38:13They're outdated and quite frankly offensive, he said fatly.
38:18Italian researchers have conducted tests on the Shroud of Turin, the linen cloth in which Jesus is believed to have
38:25been buried.
38:25Their findings reveal traces of DNA, including those of cats and carrots, feline companions and root vegetables.
38:34So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.
38:38A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation.
38:42Well, yeah, that's how boats work.
38:47Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated on a shop shelf in Banbury.
38:53The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury.
38:58Unfortunately, for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.
39:05On Thursday, K-pop band BTS kicked off their $1 billion world tour on the back of their hit single,
39:12Swim.
39:12But my question is,
39:15Namjoon-yee, kapjagi jini-yake, in-say-un-muchurum uraneng-go-ya-myon,
39:20Waterslide muso-ho-hannen hosokhi-gak jong-se-k-al-ka?
39:24Anny-myon,
39:25Jimin-yee-ga gurung hosokhi-ru, u-chuchu-ha-na-jum-yo-dal-jury-yona?
39:30Don't ask me.
39:32I'm not really into K-pop.
39:42A report has found almost two-thirds of Gen Z say they go out less than before.
39:47Here to tell us what's really going on is our Gen Z correspondents, Annabelle Marlowe and Jackson!
39:56Hi, Paddy.
39:57Hi.
39:58What the hell is going on with Gen Z?
40:00It's simple.
40:01Every Friday night, Gen Z like to huff a little boo and show a little nip.
40:11And that's Gen Z.
40:13Let's break it down for him.
40:14On Friday, we go to Hyde Park in Leeds, split the G and practice our bird noises.
40:20Show them, girl!
40:21Ow! Ow! Ow!
40:24Gen Z love making sound effects.
40:27Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.
40:30Show them, girl!
40:41And Annabelle does a really good impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convo.
40:51Ow! Ow! Ow!
40:52But why did Gen Z like sound effects?
40:55Because we're expressing our gender, of course.
40:57Gen Z loves gender.
40:59I express my gender by looking like Claire Balding if she were a Vampire Weekend fan.
41:05And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub, sorry.
41:09So sorry, instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?
41:14Well, they're going to the black and white pictures, roll out the cup and have a little cigarette.
41:22And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights.
41:26And wrongs.
41:27I'll tell you what's gay wrong, these titties.
41:31This sounds like maybe it's just you two.
41:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
41:36I really don't know how much more obvious we can make this.
41:39Gen Z love to.
41:41Huff a little glue, show a little nip, and call in a bomb threat.
41:48I
41:48Still don't get what Gen Z like. I'll tell you what we like you rude old bitch
41:55The music of Steely Dan, Katrin the Rye, and the work of character actor Bob Hoskins
42:01Good Friday. No, that was a key
42:08Gen Z like to
42:15Everyone
42:23Weekend Monday, I'm Paddy on!
42:25Good night
43:01Good night
43:01Darling, that was the most perfect evening. Now the kids are asleep. It's about to get even better
43:07Happy anniversary, Wendy. Happy anniversary, my love. Well, well, well
43:15If Wendy Darling hasn't found herself another lost boy. Oh my god, Peter, is that you?
43:22Surprise! Did you miss me? Clearly not because he's never bloody called
43:29Who's this pirate?
43:31Captain
43:33Can't grow a beard
43:34He's not a pirate, Peter. He's my husband
43:36Oh, wow
43:39What does husband do? Professional loser?
43:43I'm a neurosurgeon
43:45Great. Neurosurgeon. Tell me this mate. Can you fly?
43:50Hmm. No. Didn't think so. Hold my beer
43:55To the skies!
44:01That's a stupid place to have put that
44:04Eddie, who is this? I might be dressed like homeless Robin Hood
44:09Hey! Relax, Chief. I'm just an old flame
44:12Wendy and I used to go all the way to moaning back in the day, if you know what I
44:16mean
44:18Sex
44:18Yes, we got that
44:20What are you doing here, Peter?
44:22Well, I just popped by, didn't I? To let you know that I am crushing it
44:27And what exactly are you crushing?
44:29Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin
44:33Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover and come with me
44:39Let us fly!
44:40God, no
44:43Oh, God
44:45Okay, don't worry, I'll pay for that
44:49Peter, you've really got to go, it's been 40 years, I'm married, I've got children
44:53Yeah, I know, that's great, because I've got a girlfriend too, so
44:57Do you?
44:58No
45:03Oh, God, you're really not doing well
45:06No, I'm not
45:08Neverland sucks now
45:10The Lost Boys got found
45:13Smee got long COVID
45:17Tinkerbell's on OnlyFans
45:20Oh, oh, Peter
45:22Whoa, oh my God, what are you doing?
45:24Sorry, my bad, that one's on me, I misjudged that
45:27You need to leave now
45:28Okay, fine, yes, I'm leaving
45:31I've got things to do anyway, because as I said, crushing it
45:35Sure you don't want to come with me?
45:37Nope, that's fine, didn't want you anyway
45:39Air bomb!
45:40Oh, jeez
45:41Oh, come on
45:44Thank you, thank you
45:50Maybe I'll just take the stairs
45:53Thank you
45:55Love you
45:58Oh, God, I'm so sorry about him
46:01Listen, those days are in the past
46:02There's no one I'd rather be with than you
46:05Don't worry about it, we've all got weird exes
46:08Happy anniversary, Wendy
46:09Happy anniversary, love
46:11Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?
46:14Of course not
46:16Now, where were we?
46:18Where were we?
46:20Just checking
46:22Room for a little one?
46:24I'll go on
46:26Let's fly!
46:28Woo!
46:33Welcome back to Falling Down a Hill with Helen Birch
46:37I'm Helen Birch
46:43Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I am by no
46:49means a fan of the renaming of this program
46:52It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view the program needn't have been retitled
46:59to reflect that fact
47:00So, I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its original title for the first
47:0714 series
47:08That's Helen Birches, Birches of St. Helens
47:12Now, on with the program
47:22We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens, very nearly into Haddock Village proper, which is just
47:29beyond the brow of this hill
47:30And here's a lovely birch I found
47:33Oh, no!
47:34Wait!
47:35Wait!
47:36Wait!
47:36No!
47:38Oh!
47:39Oh!
47:41Oh!
47:41Oh!
47:43Oh!
47:45Oh!
47:45Oh!
47:46Oh!
47:47Oh!
47:49Oh!
47:53Oh!
48:00Once again, Georgia Smith
48:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
48:17I'm not afraid to die today
48:20I could have chose somebody else to love
48:28Give me the gun, I'll take the blame
48:32And cover up your dark shade of blood
48:41I'll feel the rain and turn the pain into gold
48:50And that's just the price of it all
49:02That's just the price of it all
49:15This isn't all these walls
49:18Through the rise and fall
49:21I know I can pretend that this will never end
49:27If in the end we die
49:30Then our hearts won't answer the price of it all
49:41It's safe to say that I've ignored the warnings
49:46You're treacherous, impetuous, you're courteous
49:51I'll take your hand and close my eyes
49:56There's a parody of paradise in love
50:01Oh, no, I've fought the rain
50:07And turned this pain into gold
50:12And that's just the price of it all
50:26That's just the price of it all
50:30Oh, no, I've fought the rain
50:33Oh, no, I've fought the rain
50:40It's burning to the ground
50:42I'm losing what I've found
50:45There's heaven in my heart
50:48There's heaven in my heart
50:50There's damage in my hands
50:51It's giving you my own
50:54Please, I die
50:55That's just the price of it all
51:07Thank you
51:36Oh darling, how I wish we didn't live in the 1930s so that I could be lesbian and you could
51:42be a gay
51:44Thank goodness we married one another
51:46This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives in secret
51:51While still falling in with polite society
51:54I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother
51:56Perhaps she might suspect us
51:58No, you mustn't fret, Judith
52:00She'll be none the wiser
52:01Providing we remain subtle and discreet
52:04Well soil my knickers
52:07What happens?
52:09Henry
52:09Oh, Robert, you big nancy
52:13Excuse my appearance, I slept in a graveyard
52:18Mind if I sit, my shoes are filled with blood
52:22Robert, who might this curious character be?
52:26Oh, Judith, this is Henry
52:28My, uh, cousin
52:31Cousin?
52:32Do that with your cousin, do you?
52:361930s cocaine, 1930s cocaine
52:41Robert and I met last year at the glass slipper
52:43One minute we're doing the quick step
52:45Next thing you know we're stepping quickly
52:47Into each other's holes
52:50Hey, please, I told you about my wife
52:53Judith
52:54Oh, please, I can spot a lesbo from a mile away
52:58Love the dress, pal
53:00Anyway, I'm off to powder my schnoz
53:04By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine
53:11Robert, he's going to give us away
53:13Your mother will have you arrested
53:15He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down
53:18Ooh, cake!
53:20Oh, fine, I won't have a thing for dinner, though
53:24I pray he doesn't make a scene
53:28Henry, please
53:29Henry, if you put the cake down, they'll cut you a slice
53:32Oh, oh, oh, he's not even sleeping on anything
53:43Ew, I'll just eat this cake behind this door
53:47Robert
53:49Well, look lively
53:50Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?
53:53Oh, mother, uh, yes, sorry
53:55This is Judith, my wife
53:56Who, my intercourse
53:59Ah, yes
54:01The mysterious Judith
54:03Rather a plain thing, isn't she?
54:06Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey
54:09But still
54:11Good solid hips
54:13Oh, thank you, Mrs Fenwick
54:15I suppose I could approve
54:18Oh, mother, really?
54:21That's simply...
54:21Can anyone see the thing with the cake?
54:23Oh, great
54:25Robert, do you know this man?
54:27Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life
54:30Just ignore him, Mrs Fenwick
54:32Young lady, when I desire your opinion
54:34I'll be sure to give your head a good firm slap
54:36Until one comes tumbling out your ears
54:38Okay, I'm laughing
54:39I don't do jokes
54:41Well, darling, it seems your son does
54:42Oh, now I like him
54:45Oh, yeah, we're bonding, we're hugely bonding
54:47Henry, please
54:48I'm trying to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother
54:51And it was all going rather well
54:53Until you minced in here
54:54So would you please kindly piss off
54:56Robert
54:58This colourful freak is the most interesting person I've ever met
55:03You'd do well to find yourself a girl like him
55:05But what about my tiny wife?
55:08Yes
55:09What about Judith?
55:11Ruth Ethel?
55:13Ruth Ethel?
55:13How's tricks, dog?
55:19Ethel is my cousin
55:21Do that with your cousin, do you?
55:23La la la la la
55:27Give me a call when you lose the fruit
55:30He is, he is a fruit
55:33Listen, have you gals ever tried 1930s cocaine?
55:36Well, that went better than expected
55:40Well, that went better than expected
55:55Yes!
55:57My biggest thanks, ladies and gentleman, to Georgia Smith
56:01And a huge thank you to this incredible cast
56:04all the amazing writers
56:06and everyone that is working on this
56:08incredible show. Thank you
56:10so much. It's been such a treat to host
56:12you this week. Tune in
56:14for the next episode of SNL UK
56:16on the 25th of April. Thank you very
56:18much. Good night!
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