The madness is back! ππ₯ In Malcolm In The Middle: Life's Still Unfair S01E01 2 (2026), the family returns with even more chaos, wild moments, and hilarious problems.
From unexpected disasters to classic family struggles, nothing ever goes smoothly β and thatβs what makes it unforgettable!
π Watch now and enjoy the hilarious comeback!
#MalcolmInTheMiddle #Episode1 #Episode2 #ComedySeries #FullEpisode
From unexpected disasters to classic family struggles, nothing ever goes smoothly β and thatβs what makes it unforgettable!
π Watch now and enjoy the hilarious comeback!
#MalcolmInTheMiddle #Episode1 #Episode2 #ComedySeries #FullEpisode
Category
πΊ
TVTranscript
00:07What are you looking at?
00:09Please!
00:11You've been stealing money from the church.
00:23You're going to put your hands inside of Mommy and take out this baby.
00:29And someone actually asked for more of this.
00:33I really appreciate the opportunity.
00:36Everyone in my class was after this internship.
00:38I fought tooth and nail for it.
00:39No problem. We are glad to have you.
00:41So, what do you guys do?
00:44Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers
00:48to align their inventory software with food banks and shelters all across the country.
00:53So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
00:57Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:01Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:08Yeah, I look different.
01:10But hey, everything about me is different.
01:12I'm happy. I'm successful.
01:15I've learned to work productively with idiots.
01:17My life is fantastic now.
01:20You want to know how I did it?
01:22All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
01:26Let me go!
01:39You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.
01:42These things have lasted for six months.
01:44You know, I can call back later.
01:45Come on, Dewey. You've seen this like a thousand times.
01:48It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
01:52Undergrowth.
01:54How's the concert tour?
01:56It's fine.
01:57But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:00I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:03I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:07Is Jamie going to make it?
02:08I think so. He put in for relief.
02:09Towel! Towel! Towel!
02:13Trauma averted. Thank you.
02:16Hey, Dewey.
02:17Hi, Kelly. How's school?
02:18Beneath me. How's Sonia?
02:20Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore. It's Lisbon.
02:22No! Annette! Anyway, she's good. We're really connecting.
02:26We're going to go shopping later. Do them want to come?
02:31Him can't come with we. Us has homework.
02:33Hey, he's trying. Don't mock him for it.
02:35I'm not afraid of you.
02:37That's not...
02:37I get good grades. I help around the house.
02:39I'm your only kid without a file at the police station. I'm untouchable.
02:43Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
02:48I love you.
02:49Oh, that just sounds sarcastic.
02:51I love you.
02:52Now you sound annoyed.
02:53I kind of do. It's your timbre.
02:56I love you. I love you. I love you.
02:58The middle one was nice. Thank you.
03:03So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:06Because I realized, the less contact I have with my family, the less I feel like a sociopath.
03:12I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
03:16Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
03:20For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish.
03:22I know how to say quesadilla.
03:24Oh, it sounded like you said cusadilla.
03:25Oh, no.
03:26You're like, quesadilla.
03:29Siempre hacen esto.
03:30Intenta colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
03:33Say exactamente cΓ³mo van a enseΓ±ar quesadilla.
03:35Quesadilla!
03:36That's it. That's what he said.
03:38That's what he said, quesadilla!
03:44Grandma's television was plasma.
03:46I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her, and it was obvious from the rich deep blacks.
03:50You're insane.
03:51She bought that TV in 2015, all right?
03:53They already had full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
03:58It's not showing off.
03:59It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
04:02Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to make me
04:05feel bad.
04:06Is this stuck up?
04:07Is this showing off?
04:10Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:14It's not them.
04:15It's me.
04:16Being around them.
04:17So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:21My house is a two-layover flight from anyone.
04:23I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:26But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday cards,
04:31saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
04:33But it's really important to me not to hurt their feelings.
04:37Because then they'll make me talk to them about it face to face.
04:40Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are...
04:42I'm still near the 200 pack of votive candles and 1,000 feet of ruby tassel garland.
04:47Oh, there's gold.
04:48No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
04:50Get in the game, Hal.
04:51Hey, lovebirds.
04:53I hid your mini disco balls.
04:56Thank you, Craig.
04:56They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:01Which is...
05:02Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:04Already got it.
05:06So, how do you like the new job?
05:08Well, my heart belongs to Loggiade, but after they denied my promotion in that mysterious, untraceable fire,
05:14I'm glad I found a new home.
05:16Lois, come quick.
05:17It's that famous celebrity you like.
05:20It's the end of the street.
05:21My answer to the street.
05:22No, no, shh.
05:23Right.
05:25Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:26Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:29Huh!
05:31Never had much faith and love for miracles.
05:35Miracles.
05:37Never want to put my heart on the line.
05:42Huh!
05:43But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
05:48Spiritual!
05:49Huh!
05:49I'm born again every time you spend the night.
05:53E-I-E-I-E-I!
05:55Woo!
05:55Because your sex takes me to paradise and it shows.
06:02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:04Because you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven for too long.
06:13Oh, yeah.
06:14For too long.
06:17Oh, yeah.
06:19Oh, yeah.
06:19Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:23Can I just stay here?
06:26Spend the rest of my days here.
06:30Because your sex takes me to paradise.
06:33Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:36Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:40Because your sex takes me to paradise.
06:42Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:46Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:48Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
06:49Oh!
06:50Oh, yeah.
06:55That's it.
06:56Now it's my meatball.
06:59Okay, let's take it from the sex park.
07:01Got it.
07:01Guys, you know that was magical.
07:03Let's not go past it.
07:04It was lovely.
07:06Hal, thank you.
07:07Well, it was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:09No!
07:10Before or after the party.
07:12We agreed.
07:13You can do anything you want as often as you want before or after.
07:17The actual anniversary day is mine.
07:19You promise?
07:19Under duress.
07:20I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
07:24Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
07:29you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
07:32The fireworks display?
07:34Oh, yeah.
07:35Releasing those doves?
07:36That should have been done outside and away from the fam.
07:39And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate and not have your plans just
07:45happen to me.
07:47Uh, yeah.
07:48Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
07:53She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
07:59No, no.
08:00It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to for one.
08:03Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
08:06No, no, no.
08:07Not on my watch.
08:08Hal, please.
08:09You're the only one of us still married.
08:10Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:12I would never.
08:14Lois gets her day.
08:16But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
08:20she will run screaming at the sight of me.
08:36Nice, right?
08:37And this isn't even the best thing.
08:38The best thing.
08:39The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
08:42My daughter, Leah.
08:44She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
08:47She hates that joke.
08:50Her mother, Dreamer.
08:52Yes, her name is Dreamer.
08:54Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
08:57But I'm good at it.
08:59I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
09:02It's not that hard.
09:07I won't make it worse.
09:08I won't make it worse.
09:12Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
09:16I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
09:22It's a rich inner life.
09:26Sweetie, what's wrong?
09:26Allison Gibgott invited me to her birthday party.
09:31Why is that sad?
09:32You want the list?
09:33Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
09:35They know I know they don't want me to go.
09:37If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears and daddy comes to get me,
09:41which is what they really want.
09:42I'm completely isolated at school.
09:45I've never had any friends.
09:46And my personality, by which I mean your personality,
09:49makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
09:53Okay, well, do you want my list?
09:55You're intelligent.
09:57You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
10:00Yeah, thanks for that, too.
10:01That's how I notice every smirk and slight and microscopic eye roll
10:05aimed at me since first grade.
10:07Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
10:09I have no armor!
10:10Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,
10:13but I promise it'll get better.
10:15It got so much better for me once I went off to college,
10:18so that's less than a...
10:20a decade.
10:23It's actually worse when he tries hard.
10:28Why'd that make you nervous?
10:29What?
10:30Your phone.
10:30Why did that call make you nervous?
10:32I'm not nervous.
10:33It was just work and we're talking.
10:36Maybe my concern for how upset you are is coming across as nervous.
10:39And why do you keep it so hot in here?
10:41I want to be alone now anyway.
10:43Okay.
10:44I'm not going to smother you.
10:46But I'm here for you.
10:47Like always.
10:49I love you.
10:50Really love you.
10:54Love you so much.
11:00Malcolm, I need you to call me back today about our anniversary.
11:03We have to know when you're coming.
11:04And we know you're coming because you would never be that monstrously inconsiderate.
11:08Love you.
11:10I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday, so I knew it would escalate to Mom.
11:13I heard her with the email.
11:15Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late and I just heard your voicemail.
11:18I schedule that to send at 2.16 a.m.
11:20That way I look considerate for emailing instead of calling her back.
11:23Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.
11:25I have to set up six more food banks this month, but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
11:30That's what's great about running a charity.
11:32Anything I say is a crisis.
11:34Is a crisis.
11:35For charity.
11:38I scored the cut, dry fitted twice, so now I go it down.
11:42Perfect.
11:42This is so easy, I had no idea.
11:44I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
11:46You know, Reese, doing these projects together every weekend, I love it more than anything.
11:52Me too.
11:54I have to confess, though, that this floor was fine.
11:59You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
12:32I know.
12:33Oh, what's going on?
12:36Dad, have you ever heard of a metaphor?
12:42Yes, Reese.
12:43We all know my life sucks.
12:45I ruined my job, my marriages.
12:49I don't really have any friends.
12:52That's not the metaphor yet.
12:53Ready?
12:54Daddy, things like gluing these tiles so they fit together perfectly is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
13:01And these tools are a metaphor for you and all the things in life you're teaching me.
13:07Dad, you're a tool.
13:09A tool to help me build my life back.
13:14I will always be your tool.
13:19You know what's great about going to a fancy private high school?
13:24Nothing.
13:25It is the same emotional shithole as every other high school.
13:30Leah.
13:31Hi.
13:31Allison.
13:32Did you get my invitation?
13:33It's going to be really fun.
13:34Dad got an aura camera.
13:36I did.
13:37Thanks.
13:37Great.
13:38See you there.
13:49Leah.
13:50Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
13:51I couldn't finish my math homework.
13:53Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
13:55Of course.
13:56I don't mind at all.
13:57I'm always happy to help.
13:58You know, you don't have to panic about it.
14:00I wasn't panicking.
14:02Oh, it's just, I can see where you've been pulling out your hair.
14:06I'm not saying you pull out your hair.
14:08It's probably just ringworm.
14:09And that's easy to fix.
14:10Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
14:12Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.
14:14It's a fungus.
14:17Oh, God.
14:18What do I do?
14:19Make it seem like I was joking?
14:28What is wrong with her?
14:29I'm really sorry about the whole thing.
14:31You othered Cheyenne in view of the peer group.
14:34Yeah, I knew I was upsetting her and I was trying to fix it,
14:36but I kept making it worse because right before,
14:39other girls hurt my feelings, so I wasn't thinking clearly.
14:42I'm not blaming them. They can't help it.
14:45Robert Topolsky has pretty compelling research
14:46that endorphin levels actually spike when members of an in-group
14:49exclude or attack members of an out-group.
14:51At least with chimpanzees.
14:56He's on YouTube.
15:07Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and blanks.
15:15Get ready.
15:16You're gonna see something shocking.
15:20Hey, I'm proud of us.
15:21We actually got all the way to the bed before we went at it.
15:27Tristan, my girlfriend.
15:28I mean, it is so much more than that.
15:31She loves me.
15:33I know, it sounds like a lie to me too.
15:38How was your day?
15:39It was good.
15:40We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
15:42I beat an AI.
15:44Dude, you don't have to keep proving how smart you are.
15:46I really don't care.
15:47Oh, except for my taxes.
15:49That was awesome.
15:50So what do you care about?
15:52I care that you always listen to me and that you're supportive and that you keep your promises.
16:00And mostly I care that you understand in a deep and complete way who I am inside.
16:08And you love me anyway.
16:10And I am so grateful for that.
16:14Jesus, I thought we were just doing panther.
16:18I gotta get home.
16:22She's gonna like me, right?
16:24Are you kidding?
16:25Leah's gonna love you.
16:26You're as worried as I am.
16:27What makes you say that?
16:28Because you know that if she doesn't like me, we can't move forward.
16:33I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.
16:34But I have so many plans to prevent that.
16:37Mutual interest outings, weekly kindness days, shared journaling.
16:40There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball and you pass it back and forth
16:44to each other
16:44and you keep saying nice things and you keep throwing it until you guys are both tied up really tight
16:48together in the yarn.
16:51I'm betting on us.
16:53Look, you can make friends with anyone.
16:55I've seen it.
16:56And it's obvious how much we love each other.
16:57Leah's gonna see that and she's gonna want to be a part of it.
16:59I don't know.
17:00When I was her age, I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.
17:04So shall I grow it?
17:05Can we wait for that?
17:06No.
17:07No.
17:08It is past time we did this.
17:10We're doing it.
17:11Okay.
17:12You're also honest and sincere and sensitive.
17:18Not to mention, in bed, the way you combine enthusiasm and startling physical strength with a clear understanding of nuance.
17:27Yeah.
17:28Okay.
17:30Tristan likes green, so maybe wear your chinos.
17:32She went to private school too, so you can talk about that.
17:35And politics just makes her upset.
17:38Movies.
17:38She can talk about them all day.
17:40But she loves rom-coms, so don't you say anything snotty.
17:42You can write this down if you want.
17:44I would, but my pen is busy doing actual homework.
17:47Sweetie.
17:48So when do I yell, I want my real mommy, and run out in tears?
17:51I'll surprise you.
17:52Please.
17:53This is important to me.
17:54Dad, I get it.
17:55It's your only chance for love, and I have complete control over your future happiness.
18:01Every parenting book says I shouldn't let you believe that.
18:08Kelly, where are you?
18:09What can I do?
18:10Are you okay?
18:11What's the matter?
18:11But I have to make up a lie to get my own brother to answer the phone.
18:14You have to promise me you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
18:17Kelly, I'm trying.
18:18Hey, listen to me.
18:19All they talk about is whether or not you'll be there.
18:21They're old, Malcolm.
18:22They could die any second.
18:24Decapitated in a car wreck.
18:26Slowly choking to death on a respirator from some lingering illness.
18:29Stabbed over and over by some drifter they took in.
18:32Clock is ticking, busy boy.
18:33You can do this for them.
18:34I am doing everything I can to be there, but my charity just has me so busy all the time.
18:38So you can figure out all this advanced infrastructure for hundreds of charities and corporations,
18:42but even after six months' notice, you can't plan half a day off?
18:46Wow, that's almost mom level.
18:48Okay.
18:49At their age, they're a little self-righteous, simultaneously overconfident, and insecure.
18:54Validate their intentions and blow some smoke.
18:56Look, I am glad that you see how important this is for mom and dad.
18:59They are lucky to have you looking out for them.
19:01Other kids your age aren't half as perceptive.
19:04What?
19:05I'm on the phone.
19:06Okay.
19:07Look, I am so sorry, but I do have to get back to work.
19:10But don't worry.
19:11I'm sure I can be there.
19:12Love you.
19:12Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
19:15With that one, you gotta get in and out before they can think too much.
19:18How do you not allow glitter?
19:20You're a party venue.
19:22I just want a couple of handfuls for people to toss during our spotlight dance.
19:26Okay, so no glitter.
19:28Did our monogrammed cocktail stirs with the little hearts, did they come in?
19:32No, no.
19:34They come with the Radiant Elegance Package.
19:37The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
19:40How much does that cost?
19:44Okay, let's do it.
19:47Such nonsense.
19:48I'm sorry to be taking all the attention away from your 40th birthday.
19:52Mom, I'm a 39.
19:53I was born on your first anniversary, not your wedding day.
19:5839?
20:00Of course you are.
20:02Hey, how are you guys enjoying the new guest suite?
20:04The garage?
20:05Yeah, once we unpacked the bag, stomped a few spiders, got the plastic tarp off the bed.
20:10It was real homey.
20:10Me and dad did all the renovations.
20:12Your brother's become quite the handyman.
20:14Well, it is great.
20:15A heads up the toilet wasn't connected.
20:17Would have been cool.
20:18You know, we could afford a motel.
20:20Absolutely not.
20:21We love having you here.
20:22Besides, you gotta save up some money until you get a solid job.
20:25Mom, I've been there 15 years.
20:27I'm senior management.
20:28I have 75 people under me.
20:30That's 75 people plotting to replace you.
20:33And you need to retie your bows.
20:34They need to be droopy.
20:36They droop?
20:36They need to droop languidly.
20:39Look at your father's.
20:40Your knots are too crisp.
20:41Use baby hands.
20:43Why don't you criticize his bows?
20:44Those aren't languid.
20:45They're turgid.
20:46Dad likes me better than you now.
20:48Did you ever talk to Malcolm?
20:50No.
20:50We keep trading emails back and forth.
20:52I know he's doing good things, but he is gonna work himself to death.
20:55I just got off the phone with him.
20:58He's not coming.
21:04Okay.
21:05We can do this.
21:06It's gonna be great.
21:07Love you.
21:07Love you.
21:08Do you need to pee?
21:09No.
21:09Yes.
21:09No.
21:12No, I'm sorry.
21:14Leah, we're here.
21:17Leah, this is Tristan.
21:21Hi.
21:23Hi, Leah.
21:30Good.
21:31We're easing in slowly.
21:33There's no rush.
21:37So, how much did he prep you?
21:45When you were four, you tried to scare Miss Rachel into canceling preschool by saying her mold didn't look right.
21:52You have to twist your hamburger bun exactly three times so the condiments smear evenly.
21:59You refused an award from the State Young Sciences Challenge because you thought it would make you a famous nerd.
22:04You love being a physical therapist, but you are grossed out when you have to touch old people.
22:09You fly into a spitting rage if you do Wordle in three.
22:12I do.
22:14Sometimes when you stand up too fast, you fart, and I have to ignore.
22:18I do.
22:19You don't.
22:21Now, him.
22:22Has he ever told you about his reluctant move into politics?
22:26Oh, my God.
22:27No.
22:28One time I found a notepad where he wrote,
22:29Assemblyman, congressman, lieutenant governor.
22:33And the thing, the thing with the actor shape.
22:39Why?
22:39I don't know.
22:42I've never been so happy to be humiliated in my life.
22:45It always does.
22:45This could be my family.
22:47My last checkbox.
22:48It's so nice.
22:48This is amazing.
22:49Malcolm, we are not doing this by email or text or over the phone or by Zoom.
22:54We are going to talk about it.
22:56No matter what you have to arrange, you are going to be at our anniversary with the rest of the
23:00family.
23:01Dad?
23:07You have a daughter?
23:09She's alive?
23:13What's happening?
23:18You made me do this!
23:20Malcolm?
23:20This family's non-stop anti-social behavior and mindless belligerence and myopic priorities are toxic to me!
23:27Every single bad thing that happened to my life is your fault!
23:30Getting away from you is how I finally stopped being such an asshole!
23:35Wait, so your biggest problem is that we exist?
23:44Oh!
23:45Oh!
23:48How are you?
23:49I don't know!
23:51How could you do this to your family?!
23:54No!
23:54Stop!
23:55You insisted on barging in on my home.
23:57Okay?
23:58Without an invitation!
23:59So you can at least give me the courtesy to explain myself.
24:02Please.
24:02Sit down.
24:08Oh, my God.
24:16Oh, my God.
25:05Oh, my God.
25:12Oh, my God.
25:13Stevie, it's Malcolm.
25:15Malcolm?
25:17Who?
25:18Yeah, it's been a few months.
25:20Look, I was just thinking about you.
25:22I figured I'd give you a call.
25:23How's little Max?
25:24How's Glenn?
25:25Cute.
25:28Needy.
25:29Great.
25:29Great.
25:30I love the pictures you sent.
25:32Yeah, you know, Max is...
25:33What's wrong?
25:33Everything.
25:34Mom and Dad and Leah and Tristan all found out at the same time in person.
25:37You have to help me come up with a smart enough lie to cover up the years of lies I
25:41already told them.
25:42I mean, it's got to be brilliant.
25:43I told you this would happen.
25:51You did.
25:52You did.
25:53What do I do now?
25:54Do you mind?
25:56Seriously, what do I do?
25:58Confess.
26:00Apologize.
26:02Make it right.
26:03Stevie, quit clowning around.
26:04They already know there's nothing to confess.
26:06It's Mom.
26:07She sees apologies as permission to become more enraged.
26:09I've misled them for over a decade.
26:11How do I make that right?
26:13Malcolm?
26:14Can he call you back?
26:15It's his turn for story time, and we need to finish before midnight.
26:19Okay.
26:20Thanks anyway.
26:22Sorry, man.
26:25You're in a wheelchair and I'm needy.
26:30It's just not fair.
26:31Oh my God, what happened?
26:33What did I do?
26:34What did we do?
26:35We have just had the worst 24 hours of our life.
26:38We just found out.
26:39Guess who's going to be a grandma?
26:42Isn't it amazing?
26:43We've been trying for so long.
26:45Years and years of constant sex and all these weird mommy blog positions.
26:49And it finally happened.
26:50Get your pee stick out of my face.
26:52Seriously?
26:53You can't even be happy for me about this?
26:56What are you trying?
26:57Who's ready for re-caulking day?
27:01I put this on your credit card.
27:03What?
27:04We just found out that Malcolm has been intentionally hiding himself from this family for years
27:08and covering it up with lies.
27:10He has a teenage daughter.
27:12A secret teenage daughter.
27:15I still think my thing's pretty important.
27:18Dad, I am so sorry.
27:21I think we all knew Malcolm would eventually betray us.
27:24That's what Harvard does to people.
27:26Or any college, really.
27:28Oh, that reminds me.
27:30Ow!
27:31Ow!
27:31Ow!
27:32Ow!
27:33Ow!
27:33What are you doing?
27:35Dad is out there emotionally destroyed.
27:37I have to trash Malcolm as much as I can before he snaps out of it.
27:39How stupid are you?
27:40You mean like professionally measured?
27:42Just because mom and dad aren't on social media, you thought nobody else would find it?
27:46What?
27:47Ebay?
27:47They already know I sell my underwear to pervs.
27:49What about Professor Dum Dum?
27:54Shall we peruse greatest hits?
28:12These new ones aren't just more efficient.
28:15They are so much quieter.
28:17Who's being?
28:19When are you scumbling?
28:21Oh!
28:22Ah!
28:25Freeze!
28:26Just unplug it!
28:28Just...
28:29Unplug it!
28:31Freeze!
28:33Freeze!
28:4068 videos.
28:41Millions of views.
28:43How much money have you made?
28:44Publicly humiliating dad.
28:45Including merch?
28:47Merch?
28:47Are you going to snitch?
28:48Hell yes, I'm going to snitch.
28:50Okay, what do you want?
28:52To snitch.
28:52No, what do you want from me?
28:54To be there when I snitch.
28:55Kelly, you don't want to do that.
28:57Dad is too upset.
28:58He couldn't take it.
28:58I know that!
28:59God, this is so frustrating.
29:01It felt so good ratting Malcolm out.
29:03It was like I found my calling.
29:06I'm an informer.
29:08It's like being a whistleblower but mean.
29:10And turning you in was going to be...
29:14Now I have to wait to spill my guts.
29:17But it's coming.
29:24What did you see?
29:26Everything.
29:31Oh my god, what happened?
29:33He just fell down for no reason.
29:35Old people do that all the time.
29:36Help!
29:37Help!
29:39Help me get him into bed!
29:40He won!
29:41I won!
29:42Oh, roll him!
29:45Oh, careful, careful, careful.
29:47Oh my god.
29:48Oh, oh, oh, oh.
29:49Okay, come on, watch, come on.
29:50Watch, come on.
29:52What do we do?
29:53Just roll him.
29:53This way.
29:54Roll him.
29:55Use your legs.
30:00Hey.
30:04How far did you run?
30:06Six miles past the interstate.
30:07I'm in much better shape than I thought.
30:10I met a horse.
30:12I named him Cookie.
30:14Dad, seriously?
30:16I can take mom being crazy, but that's only because you're not.
30:20I'm so sorry.
30:22I promise I'll never do anything like that again.
30:25And don't call your mom crazy.
30:27She just has a lot of problems.
30:29Primarily being crazy.
30:32So, anything else you've been, I don't know, lying to me about since I was born?
30:35Leah.
30:36No!
30:36My self-image is already screwed up.
30:38And now, I'm part of a family I know nothing about.
30:41I mean, are they murderers?
30:43Or geologists?
30:44Or have taste sacks?
30:45Or Klinefelter syndrome?
30:46Or enjoy reading?
30:47Or have characteristic body language?
30:49Or they're athletic?
30:50Or super tasters?
30:50I should know all of that.
30:53There's no geologists.
30:58I think Tristan is amazing.
31:00She is.
31:01Oh, my God.
31:02She must be so mad at me.
31:04Yeah.
31:04She told Grandma and Grandpa.
31:07I was not ready to hear you call them that.
31:09They really seemed okay.
31:10I don't understand why you can't be around them.
31:12I think yesterday you saw a pretty convincing demonstration.
31:15I have hay in my crack.
31:17I cannot go back to how I was before, and I'm not gonna risk you.
31:21You are perfect.
31:23I want you to stay perfect.
31:27Okay, that's just fighting dirty.
31:29You have to think of it like they're the full moon and we're werewolves.
31:33It doesn't matter.
31:34Your cover is blown, and Grandma doesn't seem the type to just let things go.
31:38Look, I need time to figure this out.
31:39You need to promise me that if she contacts you, you will not respond until you talk to me first,
31:43okay?
31:44Okay.
31:44No, you need to promise.
31:45Calm down.
31:46I promise.
31:49I need to get some sleep.
31:50I'm still mad at you.
31:52You'll still be mad when I wake up.
31:53I believe in you.
32:16How could Malcolm abuse my trust this way?
32:19I'm so mad at him for betraying me.
32:23You know, by comparison, Reese looks pretty good.
32:27Sure, he's impetuous.
32:28But that rascal has a heart of gold.
32:31He's still my favorite.
32:36What's that?
32:37It's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary.
32:42Two pages each, front and back.
32:44Not a single repeat.
32:46Listen, I have to talk to you.
32:49I was so excited to tell you about the baby.
32:52We tried so hard for so long, and when it finally happened, all I wanted to do was tell you.
32:58You didn't even say congratulations.
33:01You're right.
33:03I'm sorry.
33:05Congratulations.
33:07Never said I was perfect.
33:08Yes, you have.
33:09Well, I didn't mean it.
33:12Look, I will admit, there is a part of me, a part I do not like, that feels like you
33:16intentionally waited until this exact moment to get pregnant, just to make it harder for me to deal with all
33:21these other problems.
33:21That is crazy.
33:23Honestly, your whole life has been like you purposely planned every moment, good or bad, to happen at the worst
33:29possible time.
33:30That's not fair.
33:30It's always totally random.
33:32I know.
33:32I hurt your feelings.
33:33And I feel bad about it.
33:35And I promise, I am going to be happy about this very soon.
33:37I'm going to be overjoyed.
33:39Just not right now.
33:41I have too many other priorities right now.
33:43You and the baby are number eight.
33:45That is so insults-
33:47Wait, you have a list?
33:49With numbers?
33:50Yes.
33:53How do you think I manage?
33:55I have to rank everything according to how bad and how soon.
34:00Anniversary party is number one.
34:02Number two is our brand new, already born granddaughter.
34:05I mean, she has been thrown into this circus with no preparation.
34:08We have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child.
34:11Your father is a close number three.
34:12Leah has the edge because she's younger.
34:14But he is in a complete meltdown.
34:16Number four is making Reese pay for what he did.
34:20Number five is figuring out a way to get Malcolm back into this family.
34:23Number six is making him pay for what he did.
34:26Number seven is trying to keep myself from draining our life savings to pay for this party.
34:32So you are number eight.
34:37When she puts it that way, I really can't argue with her.
34:39Are you kidding me?
34:40We're one slot above try oat milk.
34:42I know.
34:43Sucks to feel like you don't matter.
34:46I promise I'll never do that to our kid.
34:48As long as they don't piss me off too much.
34:51You are an incredibly smart, sexy mama.
35:10Do you care?
35:13I like the breeze.
35:20Hey, Leah.
35:21Hi, Allison.
35:23See you at pizza.
35:24What pizza?
35:25Oh, oh my God.
35:27I'm so sorry.
35:28Forget I said that.
35:29I don't know what you're talking about.
35:31Joni's doing pizza after the social studies final.
35:36I thought everyone was invited.
35:39You really didn't.
35:41And why do you take such delight in humiliating someone who shouldn't even be on your radar?
35:47Wow.
35:48You really are cruel.
36:00Morning.
36:01Is it morning?
36:05Oh, sweetie.
36:08Did you know that there's a South American slug that, after mating, the eggs are deposited in the father?
36:18And over the next three months, the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father
36:26until he's an empty husk that blows away in the wind.
36:30I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois.
36:35You know, we could just, you know, let it go.
36:40For a little while.
36:48I'm sorry, Mr. Plummer.
36:52I don't have enough money to pay your great big bill.
36:57There must be some way I can satisfy you.
37:04The office can put you on a payment plan.
37:09Did you just turn down sex?
37:13I guess I did.
37:14I guess I did.
37:14Hal.
37:15Oh.
37:16Hal, we don't turn down sex.
37:18No, no, no.
37:19We've done it in weddings and funerals and petting zoos.
37:23Hal, sex is our love language.
37:26I know.
37:26I know.
37:26I'm sorry, honey, but...
37:29Can I at least give you a hug?
37:33Not physically.
37:44Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip.
37:45Hey, Tristan.
37:47It's me again.
37:48Look, I realize that you haven't returned my calls the last couple of days
37:51because my messages were apologies without an explanation, which I also apologize for.
37:57So here it is.
37:59I've been seeing a therapist the last month herself.
38:01She put me on this antidepressant venalpremine.
38:05I didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my moods, behaviors, and decision-making.
38:11But I am not going to use a medication that altered everything about me as an excuse.
38:16No.
38:17And I'm not going to bring Leah into this either.
38:19Even though she already feels so connected to you,
38:22she knows that not seeing you again isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her.
38:27But please, do not do this to her.
38:29She's just a kid.
38:32I'll be ashamed of myself after I get her back.
38:36Well, you're just so glad you called, Leah.
38:39Dad insisted I get to know the family right away.
38:42If Dad can keep secrets, I can break promises.
38:45This is Francis and Piyama, Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey.
38:50And this is your uncle, Reese, who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second.
38:55Word of warning.
38:56They get mad about anything around here.
38:59Well, we are just so excited about all of this.
39:03We've just missed so much.
39:04We have a thousand questions we'd like to ask you.
39:12Hal, don't you have a question that you'd like to ask Leah?
39:15Uh, yeah.
39:17What do you want to do when you grow up?
39:20Crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity?
39:25Excuse us a minute.
39:27Welcome to the family, Leah.
39:28Gosh, I wish I was able to be there to welcome you properly.
39:31My son, come and sit in my little bed, please.
39:34Honestly, Gigi, please.
39:36You can't take me just once.
39:44Sorry, they're, um...
39:46Evacuating the hotel.
39:48Europe, right?
39:50Yeah, hey, I gotta go too.
39:51I gotta sneak in a cigarette while the lieutenant's still taking a dump.
39:53Uh, don't tell Mom I spoke.
39:57Is it me?
39:58Because this feels like when they make us choose lab partners.
40:01No friends, huh?
40:03Yeah, you give off that vibe.
40:05Kids can be mean.
40:07Parents, too.
40:08So the social thing is tough, huh?
40:11No, it's great.
40:12I'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah.
40:17It really is fine.
40:18I mean, I'm used to it.
40:19Because, like, what choice do I have?
40:21I mean, there's way worse problems.
40:27Yeah.
40:28Leah, have you ever tried being kind?
40:32Probably not.
40:33I am nice all the time, and I get treated like crap anyway.
40:36Nice is different than kind.
40:39Kindness requires empathy, and empathy requires putting yourself in someone else's place so you understand how they feel.
40:46Do you remember ever doing that?
40:50Right.
40:51That's a tough one for your dad, too.
40:53You guys have brains that are so different from other people's, it's impossible to feel like you have anything in
40:58common with them.
40:59So what am I supposed to do?
41:01Just make an arbitrary rule.
41:02If you're not getting along with someone, imagine you have empathy for them and act accordingly.
41:08Like how I imagine I'm not always on the brink of violence.
41:11Try it. See what happens.
41:14Something you want to add?
41:17I bet if I crash the car I'd move up two spaces.
41:24Oh, honey.
41:26Leah needs her warm and loving grandpa.
41:29I'm so sorry, Lois, but I don't think I can.
41:32I look at her, and instead of a sweet kid, I just see one more person who will hurt me.
41:4510-Hot!
41:47Lois, your orders are to stay just as sweet, loving, and beautiful as the day.
41:51Hal first laid his loving eyes on you.
41:54Open fire!
42:00Go, stop, go!
42:03Reload!
42:07Achoo!
42:08I must be allergic to something.
42:19She fake sneezed a booger onto her chin.
42:22There's a giant chunk of snot on her chin.
42:26There's a million ways that I could nail her.
42:28Do I go funny? Do I go brutal?
42:30Do I connect it to her character flaws so it stings with some staying power?
42:34My mind is reeling.
42:39Uh, hey, you have a thing on your chin.
42:42It happens to me all the time.
42:49Wait, wait, wait.
42:51I saw what you did back there, that giant Jabba the Hutt on her face.
42:54Oh my god.
42:54I was just...
42:55Oh, I hate Allison. I had the perfect idea.
42:58I was gonna go,
42:59Would you care for some crackers with that oyster?
43:01And then seeing what you did, I mean,
43:05I feel kind of sorry.
43:07I was, like, noble.
43:09I'm not noble.
43:11Well, something.
43:12Leah, right?
43:13Yes, Jason.
43:14I said extra in English.
43:16And world history.
43:17Oh.
43:18Right.
43:19I'm dumb.
43:21Was this a me-cute?
43:23This was a me-cute.
43:25Right?
43:29Tristan's on her way over.
43:30I'm gonna take responsibility and acknowledge the impact that my actions had on her.
43:34Or I'm gonna justify it.
43:36And I'm gonna frame things in a way that she thinks that it's partially her fault.
43:38Which one's gaslighting?
43:43Hi.
43:44Hey.
43:45Thank you so much for talking to me.
43:47I know how upset you are.
43:49I know how bad I screwed up.
43:50And I...
43:52I don't need to talk.
43:54I need to listen.
43:55Go ahead.
43:58I love your kid.
44:02That's all I have for positives.
44:04Good start.
44:05You totally sandbagged me.
44:07Anytime I asked you about your family, you said it was complicated.
44:10What I saw was not complicated.
44:12It was just wrong.
44:13Yes.
44:14But I have a solution for that.
44:15All those angry, vicious things I screamed at them, imagine I didn't.
44:20You have to make peace with your family.
44:22Okay?
44:22For your own sake.
44:24And sure as hell for Leah's sake.
44:25You don't understand.
44:26I can't.
44:28It's not just mom and dad.
44:29It's so much worse with my brothers.
44:31I mean, all we ever do is fight.
44:33Except for when we team up to fight them.
44:36You have brothers.
44:42Four.
44:43And one non-binary.
44:45Dude.
44:46Come on.
44:47This is so much to unpack.
44:49Don't unpack.
44:49Just burn.
44:50We don't need to know.
44:50I should go.
44:57I help the poor.
44:59What?
45:00I care so much about social justice.
45:03Malcolm, what are you...
45:04I'm not bad.
45:04I'm good.
45:05I'm not bad.
45:06I'm really good.
45:07And I'm smart.
45:08Which I remember that you don't care about because I listen.
45:11And I know how to tie shoelaces away so they never come untied.
45:13And I love you.
45:14Oh, I should have led with that.
45:16But I'm panicking.
45:16I'll start over.
45:17I can't be around you right now.
45:19I understand.
45:21I'll be here whenever you're ready.
45:25That won't be until I can trust you again.
45:29If ever.
45:37All night long.
45:39We should have called the cops.
45:41I didn't get any sleep at all.
45:43Dad's always been a loud crier.
45:45Guys, what are you doing still in your PJs?
45:48Party's in 32 hours.
45:50We still have a lot to do.
45:51According to your 20 bullet points schedule for today, I have more than enough time to
45:55finish my store brand cereal.
45:56That was before I realized that.
45:58My dress only looks right with open-toed shoes.
46:00I had to add an emergency pedicure.
46:02My toes look like twisted walnuts.
46:05Solved that one.
46:06Is Dad finally asleep?
46:08No.
46:09He got up over an hour ago to help run errands.
46:11Come on, you guys.
46:13Let's go.
46:14Get the lead out.
46:17See?
46:18Completely normal.
46:19Don't be nervous.
46:20I'm not nervous.
46:21I'm desperate.
46:22I only have one day to shake off all this depression and anger so I don't ruin the party
46:26for Lois.
46:27Well, this will help.
46:28Microdosing is the best thing I ever did.
46:30It's how I lost all that weight and got a handle on my gambling addiction.
46:34I replaced it with porn.
46:36Greetings, Voyagers.
46:39Namaste.
46:40Namaste.
46:40Richie?
46:42Hal!
46:44Great to see you.
46:45How's Francis?
46:46How's the family?
46:46I don't care.
46:47I need help.
46:48Worry not.
46:49I have many weeks' experience as a hallucinogenic scientist shaman concierge.
46:54We see your pain, truth seeker.
46:57We have incredible shit to deal with it.
46:59Let me give you a tour of our tripitorium.
47:01I don't need a tour.
47:03Indulge me.
47:04Help.
47:05Please.
47:05Please.
47:08Couch.
47:09Cot.
47:09Water.
47:10Bathroom.
47:11We recommend starting in our central chair.
47:14Some people call it a dream platform.
47:16Others, a launch pad to enlightenment.
47:19Either way, there's a puke bucket next to it.
47:21Oh, uh, we already paid.
47:23I used my coupon.
47:24Don't forget, that doesn't include tip.
47:26Right.
47:29This is the medicine.
47:32Air quotes are for the lawyers.
47:34Since you're new to this, we'll start you out with a 1.5.
47:39Where'd they go?
47:40He swallowed them.
47:42All of them?
47:43I have to divvy them out.
47:45You ate 60 milligrams.
47:47Is that too much?
47:47Well, not if you're, like, 15 elephants.
47:52We gotta get your stomach pumped.
47:53No!
47:55There's the only chance I have left.
47:57I'm going in.
48:03Gonna need a bigger bucket.
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