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00:14Good evening, happy Easter, out of the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:24Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of you
00:31did not watch it. For those who missed it, here's a summary. You didn't miss much. And
00:40honestly, I'm kicking meself. I let you down. But everyone deserves a second chance. Peter
00:49Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come. So allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month, but I can assure you we are
01:06working at pace towards a de-escalation. And the pace we are working at is leisurely. I
01:15know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling. Not only in England, but also
01:22in the top bit, and the side bits as well. Life is getting harder. And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm told there's a second page to my speech. Oh, that's right.
01:51The inspiring part. Look. I know I'm not inspiring. When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought
02:03the vibe down so much that the interviewer called the Samaritans. So I've asked some Britons
02:10that people actually like to help me put a pep in your step. First up, England legend,
02:18Harry Kane.
02:30Yeah, cheers. Nice one, gaffer. Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing
02:36team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously. The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war way. Always said that.
02:50But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack. You
02:56know, sold in defence. Yeah, good at set pieces too. So yeah, you just got to take it one war
03:03at a time and, er, yeah. Yeah, it's going to be nice. Thank you, Harry. Next up, a Briton
03:18with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the power runs out. Film
03:32out. Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it? Blirting with Iran and playing with
03:39oil. Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage or the power is off and we're
03:44snogging in the dark. Shhh, shhh. Aren't I naughty? Thanks, Olivia. Love the enthusiasm. Our
03:54final speaker combines two of my greatest interests. Outstanding British television and pork.
04:03It's Peppa Pig. Cheer us up, Peppa. Thank you, Daddy-care. Life is hell, but it doesn't last
04:19long and soon the sadness will end. Thanks, Peppa. You're very different from how you seem on
04:27the telly. And you're very similar. Well, there you have it. Big thanks to Britain's
04:35Big Three, Harry Cade, MBE, Olivia Colman, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P. Oh, no. Here
04:46come for power cuts. Fend for yourselves, everyone. Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me. And live
04:52from London, it's Saturday night! It's Saturday Night Live! It's Saturday Night Live! With...
05:23Larry Dean!
05:25Larry Dean!
05:30Celeste Briggs!
05:36George Moreacres!
05:42Andia Magliano!
05:48Annabel Marlowe!
05:50Annabel Marlowe!
05:53Al Nash!
05:59Jack Shat!
06:05And the CD.
06:12Happy Yard.
06:20Musical guest, Kasabian.
06:26And your host, Riz Ahmed.
06:39Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed.
06:55Yes, yes, yes.
06:57Thank you, thank you so much.
07:01Wow, hello, my name is Riz Ahmed, and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNLUK!
07:14Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer, and I'm a rapper.
07:19So for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I, I'm working it out.
07:28Mostly I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't just play intense
07:33roles.
07:34I also do some family feel-good stuff.
07:37Like, for example, do you guys know Sound of Music?
07:42I did a film just like that called Sound of Metal.
07:46It's almost exactly the same.
07:48It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van.
07:53It's just like Sound of Music, and it's feel-good because you're not him.
07:58But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.
08:00Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions.
08:07That's what I'm saying, it's a feel-good movie about characters you can really root for.
08:14Christmas movie.
08:16But I actually have just created and released my own comedy, it's called Bait, it's just
08:22come out.
08:23Thank you, thank you, man.
08:27It's about an out-of-work actor auditioning to be James Bond.
08:31And the character is going through an identity crisis, and if you're wondering why I made
08:36a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.
08:40I'm confused.
08:42It's not my fault.
08:43I grew up in Wembley, but I went to Oxford University, and that's why I sound like this.
08:52Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.
08:57We've actually all got a track together on my next album.
08:59It's called Oi Roo Boy, shut up, this is the quiet carriage.
09:04It's a banger.
09:06But, you know, I actually feel that even this show is having an identity crisis in a way.
09:11You know, we're three episodes in, and your hosts have been American, Irish and me.
09:17Don't worry, next week, you know, we're going to have one of the nation's most prominent
09:22Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall.
09:24You know what I mean?
09:25You've seen how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.
09:28That's so Asian.
09:30That's so Asian.
09:31Don't worry, Jack, your secret is safe with me.
09:34Asalaamu Alaikum, brother.
09:36Sometimes I feel like the whole nation's having this identity crisis, and that's why we're
09:39so divided, right?
09:41We're divided over politics, over the climate, over the Beckhams.
09:45But I think that I know how to solve it.
09:49I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis, because I think there's one thing that unites
09:53us all.
09:54In essence, what makes us British is we like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:03Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know?
10:08We like that.
10:09We like it.
10:09We like giving...
10:10Thank you, yes.
10:12We like giving crap compliments.
10:15You know?
10:16Someone says, he's a bit of a character.
10:18That means you're a knob.
10:20You know?
10:20And we like sports that are a bit crap.
10:24Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.
10:28And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap.
10:31You know?
10:32Like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel.
10:35My balls feel like they're in Siberia.
10:39Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.
10:42We celebrate when things are a bit crap.
10:44We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.
10:50That's the best of Britain.
10:52We like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:58That's right.
10:59So we've got a great show for you today.
11:05Really great show.
11:07Actually, no.
11:07We genuinely have a fantastic show.
11:10It's very un-British of us.
11:11We've got Kasabian here.
11:13It's gonna be a banger.
11:15Stick around and watch this.
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:48People's phones big in every situation.
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration.
11:53A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:57People's school, things in a phone-free place.
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face.
12:02Big, big features of the route perplexed.
12:05How come she's the only one who didn't get the tent?
12:07A man walks into a corporate space after committing a hated sex crime.
12:13He's clearly done.
12:14Very bad thing.
12:15He's Gail and Campbell and the phones go dang.
12:20While all the texts come at once.
12:23All the phones are going off at once.
12:25Calling him a slut and he's a dirty dog.
12:28Every single phone's going crazy for all.
12:30A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
12:35I still understand the scene without the very loud text and sound.
12:40Every text is expositional.
12:43Hey Dad, can you pick me up?
12:45Now that Mom's dead?
12:47Automatic. Automatic. Automatic.
12:49Let me just search that up on the Glinkl app.
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01Why does your house have studio lights?
13:04And how the hell is that the first text message that you've ever sent to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here...
13:12A lot of cops dating TV and movies only have co-workers at their personal events.
13:18It's your 58th birthday you're telling me none of your family went.
13:23There's only other cops at your house.
13:26Clearly no one wants to come to your house.
13:28It's just colleagues on your wedding day.
13:30And you've also got a colleague for a spouse.
13:33One, two, yee-haw!
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies not how it is in real life?
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.
13:41Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone while they're having sex.
13:45The phone, the car, Bluetooth always connects.
13:47CEOs with email notifications and the phone contacts include relations.
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced.
13:53iPhones have an Android interface.
13:55The answer that you've never seen at home before.
13:57Make a confidential call at the Apple store.
13:59But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound.
14:06With all the phones all along.
14:08All the phones all along.
14:09All the phones all along.
14:11So sort it out!
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down.
14:17Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?
14:21Wait, don't panic.
14:23I'll order a goober there.
14:24Woo!
14:28Woo!
14:50in today's challenge our contestants added a whopping
14:54four thousand two hundred and fifty pounds to the prize fund but now it's time for the faithfuls
15:01to return to the round table can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man
15:16i'd like to start this experience has been amazing but at the end of the day we need to
15:22find the great big crab man but there's someone here i just don't trust and that person is
15:34it's yourself imran
15:38great we're doing this again i know i was wrong about kaya mechel and ife
15:48but i have a feeling i just can't shake but i'm obviously not a great big crab man
15:56to be fair that is exactly what a great big crab man would say
16:03okay okay i'm just gonna come out and say why is nobody looking at sebastian
16:12whoa whoa i've only got two 100% not a great big crab man and it's myself and sebastian
16:23look at him bro he's a flipping crab
16:25see getting defensive like that it only makes you look more like a great big crab man
16:32okay okay okay what what about today's challenge
16:3530 seconds you've got this
16:38go go towards it what's wrong with you man
16:41just go forward
16:46imran he told us his ankles only work sideways
16:49everybody knows he's trying to win the money to pay for an ankle doctor
16:54okay fine so why was he acting so weird at breakfast
16:58because he's tired you can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons
17:03can i just say i'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight
17:08to be fair to imran
17:09to be fair to imran all i've seen sebastian eat is algae seaweed and invertebrates and for me
17:15that's suspicious
17:17the time for talk is over
17:20now it's time to vote
17:38time's up enormous good luck everyone
17:43i'm sorry
17:46it is what it is
17:49sorry girl
17:52imran i'm so sorry
18:00love you man
18:05imran you have received the most votes
18:08would you like to join me please
18:16listen yeah
18:18i've had an amazing time
18:19it's been an incredible journey
18:21and i've made friends for life
18:22but
18:23there's something weighing on my heart
18:25and i've got to come out and say it
18:28i'm obviously not a great big crab man you idiot
18:33imran out
18:37what the hell are you playing at
18:41you've just voted off another not a great big crab man
18:46and the real great big crab man is still out there laughing at you
18:53okay okay i'm just gonna say it
18:55there's someone who is slipping under the radar
18:59at tomorrow's round table
19:00the person i'll be looking at
19:02hey hey hey hey
19:03i'll pack my box
19:18okay
19:22operation isn't that a game for like six-year-olds
19:25okay why don't you give it a go then
19:27okay i will
19:30it's simple you just
19:34oh
19:35okay that was a warm-up
19:39you can leave it babe
19:40no no no it's fine it's easy
19:46babe
19:48babe come to bed
19:51yeah yeah woman
19:56kids get in the car mommy will be there in a sec
20:00are you coming or not
20:18are you coming we're cutting the cake
20:27it's just a game
20:29it's not just a game
20:30it literally is it says it on the box
20:33it's six plus
20:38stop looking at me
20:47i can't take it anymore
20:49we're leaving
20:55i lifted it clean
21:09so i'm there just fully committed
21:11waving at them
21:12grinning like an idiot
21:13and walked straight past me
21:15oh no
21:16you just felt like such a plum
21:17oh i've missed this
21:20i've missed you
21:23it's not all right
21:25help help
21:26yeah is there a doctor in the house
21:27one of our diners
21:28are you serious
21:44are you serious
21:45are you serious
21:46are you sure about this
21:49everybody stand back
21:57give me those
22:00what are you
22:22you have to believe me
22:23there were supposed to be pieces
22:24and the butterfly and the bread buff
22:26whatever sir you're coming with me
22:27Olivia
22:28Olivia
22:29Olivia
22:29come on
22:30Olivia
22:49this is OGFM coming at you
22:52old classics for old heads
22:54it's all 90s music all the time
22:57and we mean all the time
22:59when we want to talk
23:00we just turn it up
23:01turn it down very slightly
23:04on the decks you've got MC Twister
23:06DJ Talera and me
23:07Lady Magnum
23:08Pink Lemonade
23:09and yes
23:09all our names are types of ice cream
23:13coincidence
23:17if you remember these tunes from back in the day
23:20then you are old
23:21shout out to my middle-aged brothers and sisters
23:24nostalgia coming at you
23:28all right
23:29all right
23:29so tonight we've got some real talk
23:31for all you over 50s
23:33prostate cancer
23:34real serious
23:35but people don't talk about it
23:36because it's the black one
23:39using our platform for good
23:40all right
23:41we've got a mad guest in the studio
23:43here to educate us
23:44it's Dr. Rishi
23:46come on
23:47big ups Dr. Rishi
23:47looking sharp
23:49I appreciate that
23:52so yeah I mean thanks thanks for having me
23:55all right doc
23:57doctor knowledge on us
23:58yeah sorry
23:59sorry yeah
24:00well prostate cancer is a condition
24:02that actually affects one in eight men
24:04shout out to Michelle
24:13what are you saying Dr. Rishi
24:14right yeah
24:15yeah so the prostate
24:16it's a small gland
24:18that sits just behind
24:19the
24:20shout out to Jane
24:20the divorce is final
24:23she's back on the pill
24:25b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bill
24:28hey get away doc
24:29hey get away
24:30okay yeah okay suppose
24:32um well
24:32you know diet is very important
24:34hey yo don't forget
24:35monday's a bank holiday
24:36four day week
24:37four day week
24:38what
24:40diet is something
24:41Tony and Streatham just put his dog down
24:43pray us up for the poodle
24:46diet is something
24:48he's done south and west
24:51statistically around 55,000 new cases
24:56okay I was just trying to say
24:57just before just there with
24:59diet is a good way to minimize your risk
25:01reducing red meat is sensible
25:02you should think about swapping it out
25:04with an oily fish perhaps a salmon or a mackerel
25:06hey yo big up the North Sea
25:07come on
25:10can we stop
25:12please I'm sorry can we just stop
25:13what's up big man
25:15is there any way you could just stop the music
25:17just for like a minute because this is
25:19sorry doc this is OGFM
25:20all 90s music all the time
25:22literally all the time
25:23yes my sister
25:24if you've got something important to say
25:25you've got to ride the beat
25:27what do you mean ride the beat
25:29medical freestyle off the dome
25:34seriously
25:34yeah I spent some wisdom Dr. Rishi
25:36yeah tell the people what they've got to know
25:38Hippocratic Oath
25:43okay okay fine fine yeah okay
25:44prostate prostate prostate check it before it's too late
25:52early detection is vital for your survival
25:56all right turn my headphones up
26:05up a bit more yeah
26:06don't hide away get your PSA
26:09the blood test is best so don't delay
26:10no joking stop smoking
26:12I'm thinking less drinking
26:14check your BMI
26:15if the numbers high
26:16then we'll make a plan
26:17get your number right
26:17if you're over 50
26:18got a family history
26:19and the flow is weak
26:20then see your GP
26:21all my G's in the back
26:22who are black
26:23your risk is higher
26:24that's a fact
26:25don't be brave
26:26don't act like a trooper
26:27if you've got P's
26:28don't wait for the future
26:28just go through
26:29for hopping over
26:30Richard IT
26:31happy birthday to ya
26:32and if this lad in your P
26:34call 111
26:35Dr. Rishi
26:36Dr. Rishi
26:37Dr. Rishi
26:38Dr. Rishi
26:38Dr. Rishi
26:39Dr. Rishi
26:45Yes
26:46yes
26:47yes
26:47stand in line
26:48with the advice
26:49Dr. Rishi
26:50in the house
26:50Dr. Rishi
26:51yes
26:52come on
27:07ladies and gents
27:09it's Kasabian
27:26watch me as she goes
27:29it's me again
27:30hello
27:31I can't stop her voice
27:37now it's you and me
27:40and I am lost for work
27:43I just keep on falling
27:46watch me go
27:49I can't stop you
27:51I can't wait
27:53pretend
27:55oh
27:58baby
27:59look
28:00now it's time
28:03for me
28:04to surrender
28:07oh
28:08you can dance again
28:09dance again
28:12you can dance again
28:15you can dance again
28:15you can dance again
28:23Watch me as I go
28:26I live and make believe
28:29Hang on, here's your call
28:34Where do you hide if you don't know who you are
28:37But you love it and you're not the same
28:41So don't fear it now
28:44Watch me go
28:46I'm a great pretender
28:53Yeah, yeah, baby
28:56Now time's for me to surrender
29:03Do you dance again, dance again
29:07Do you dance again, dance again
29:13Do you dance again, dance again
29:19Don't shoot by the great pretender
29:22Jonathan, TOPïE, TALKED
29:25Don't stop thinking and you're not the same
29:28So ren 분ie
29:28Don't shoot, don't shoot at all
29:30Do you dance again, dance again
29:31Don't shoot by the great pretender
29:34Don't shoot, don't shoot at all
29:36No, don't stop thinking and you're not the same
30:41The war between Iran and the U.S. has entered its second month.
30:45Second month?
30:46Ooh, it's starting to get serious!
30:51This week, a U.S. airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior U.S. military official said,
31:01Oh, my God, we're so sorry. We thought it was a school.
31:10President Trump has criticised the U.K.'s Navy for being, quote, too old.
31:15Too old for Donald Trump? What is it?
31:1818?
31:1918?
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral said,
31:26I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind, just as soon as the wind picks
31:29up.
31:32It's true. The U.K. only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years, referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have
31:47quadrupled.
31:49Well, they think they've quadrupled. They actually look fine.
31:57It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:04And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:19This, after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island has taken the internet by storm.
32:35It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:45Here to comment on this viral sensation is random, former, real Love Island contestant, Chloe Bibi-Rinkle.
32:53Oh, no!
32:54No!
32:56Chloe is so muggy.
32:58AI has nicked my job.
33:01It's taken me, a human, professional lady, years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bedsheet.
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears.
33:20It's giving Kleenex.
33:24Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters, the villa in Djibouti.
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:35So, okay, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:40Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim.
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK Garage.
33:46Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:52Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby D.
33:54But get this, week after we left, I found out he was, in fact, a mirage due to my heat
33:59stroke.
34:01Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:07I'm sworn off mirages now.
34:09Big dicks, though.
34:12Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:15Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:17Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:19I'm moving spooky.
34:20I was like, Anya, of course, I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:27Of course I would.
34:29But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:33Like it or lump it.
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato, then so be it.
34:39A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:41It is a fruit.
34:42Right, I'm holding it.
34:43I'm holding it.
34:44It's not worth it.
34:46Love the island contestant.
34:55It's Easter.
34:58That's right.
34:59The time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian we're allowed to talk about.
35:12And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:20Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box, has been unable to convince doctors to call off their
35:29upcoming six-day strike.
35:31So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call, what goes up your butt will stay up your butt
35:37for the best part of a week.
35:39It will be the best part.
35:43According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week, Tiger Woods had two
35:48opioid pills in his pocket.
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:56The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.
36:02And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon, that's where the bum is.
36:09Inspired by the success of Artemis 2, Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:15And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:20In lighter news this week, an adorable little door mouse was found dozing in an old helium balloon caught in
36:27a tree in Essex.
36:28Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little door mouse.
36:36Hi, guys. I'm adorable to be here.
36:40Oh, you're so cute. It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little door mouse.
36:46Cool. Cool. Look at all these big, scary cameras.
36:49Oh, it's okay. Don't be intimidated.
36:51Okay, camera three, where you at? Camera three, where you at?
36:54Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:57Hey, Vogue. I'm an adorable little door mouse.
37:00And this is what's in my bag?
37:04Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:11And next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face misdefence barrier.
37:17Shout out to Aesop.
37:20And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's hot sauce.
37:26Sorry, are you just making content?
37:28I'm an influencer, Anya. My adorable story is blowing up, and it's my time to shine.
37:34I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:38I've got to grab my moment.
37:42And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being an influencer to being a
37:46red carpet reporter.
37:49Anya, Anya, hey, girl. We're here with Vershka jeans.
37:51What are you wearing, girl? Tell me what you're wearing.
37:53Don't tell me it's the Boys with Carrot Collection from Georgia Asda.
37:56You look amazing, Anya, girl. You're hungry, girl?
38:00And my subway take, I think that...
38:03I think that raspberries are nice.
38:06100%, 100%, 100%, agree, 100%, agree.
38:09Oh, wow. He's so cute.
38:11You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an unbelievable rate.
38:15Welcome back to Of Door, Mice & Man, where I'm talking with my guest, Anya Magliano, about me being adorable.
38:25Oh, you've got a podcast now.
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower, you know?
38:31And suddenly I realised that people wanted me to be adorable all the time.
38:35And I could never be off.
38:37Sorry.
38:38Sorry.
38:41But now, my listeners can get help to switch off thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:48Dignitas?
38:49Is that bad?
38:49Sorry, please don't cancel me.
38:53We could never cancel you, adorable little door mouse.
38:56Well, wait and see.
38:57I have invested my money in some weird things.
39:11Five Met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was accidentally left on the street
39:18in London.
39:19I feel sorry for the police.
39:21Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun.
39:25What am I like?
39:29The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and unwanted auto-renewals.
39:35Good news for me.
39:36Bad news for Dr. Chubb's penis pump emporium, whose platinum club is about to lose a member.
39:45A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without fertilisation for the second time.
39:53Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak?
40:01A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has reportedly learned to knock on doors with
40:07his beak.
40:08Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighbourhood that he's a registered sex offender.
40:16According to a new report from the Department of Education,
40:19children under five should have no more than one hour of screen time per day
40:22to help improve physical health and family relationships.
40:26To discuss the impact this might have on parenting,
40:28here's a father and son who still do skin on skin.
40:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:48Thank you for having us.
40:51No problem.
40:53Now, let's talk about screen time.
40:56Oh, it's a scourge.
40:58It breaks my heart to get up that carvery
41:02and see all families glued to their phones.
41:06Nobody looking at the pork.
41:10Why can't everyone just be normal?
41:14Yeah.
41:15My boys never looked at a screen.
41:19And look at you.
41:22He's thriving.
41:24Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.
41:27Is that because you're all screen-free?
41:29Yeah.
41:29I don't need an iPad.
41:31I can just pad this chest
41:34until the happy hormones start g-g-g-g-gushing.
41:39Why are you still doing this?
41:40Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.
41:45It was great when I were a baby,
41:46but it's better now I'm 32.
41:49And it's nice to know if things are stressful at work
41:52that I can get home and get right on to Dad.
41:57How does it reduce stress?
41:59Many, many ways.
42:01Regulates the heart rate,
42:03slows the breathing,
42:05helps with the breastfeeding.
42:08Breastfeeding?
42:09Men have got the glans as well.
42:11It just takes discipline, Paddy.
42:14Nobody has discipline these days.
42:17Oh.
42:19Are you smelling his head?
42:20Yeah.
42:22That's the best bit.
42:24You know that new...
42:28You know that newborn baby smell?
42:32Well, it's that, but older.
42:36This is unconventional,
42:38but I have to say,
42:39you guys seem really happy.
42:41There's always room for one more, Paddy.
42:44Last Christmas,
42:45we got two uncles and a cousin on here.
42:48Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad.
42:50Don't be a stranger.
42:53Father and son are still doing skin on skin.
42:55Let me get in here.
42:57Can we get in here?
42:58I'm Daniel.
42:59I'm Daniel.
43:00Good night.
43:01No, no, no.
43:02I'm Daniel.
43:02Thank you so much for coming here.
43:38We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge to conceive
43:44a work of Gothic horror that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:51Tonight, three authors present their works, Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:07Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:10Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:16I call it Nosferatu.
44:23Quite horrifying.
44:25Mr. Blackthorn, in my hands, the tail of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you The Wolfman.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:50I give you The Bastard Seagull.
45:02Okay.
45:03Okay.
45:05Questions.
45:07Um, sorry.
45:08I'm confused.
45:10Is this like an evil seagull?
45:12It won't bloody leave!
45:14You bastard!
45:16Okay.
45:18Not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now, let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24The reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn, that fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world.
45:38The man awoke, with a start, to find the seagull very close.
45:45But a pubes length from his face.
45:50He screamed,
45:54But the bastard didn't give one single toss.
46:03Okay, let's move on, Mr. Blackthorn.
46:05Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck.
46:15It's like one of those old sash windows.
46:19And it's totally jammed.
46:23Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27No, not all of it.
46:28Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:33Sir Humphrey!
46:34May I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:37This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:40Yes, Mr. Blackthorn.
46:43Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45He's tried.
46:47Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.
46:53Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55You're the bastard brought his bastard friend.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:03For God's sake, please can we move on to one of the other books?
47:07Yes, you, sir.
47:09Uh, hi.
47:10Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, what?
47:15He got an owl.
47:17And it's only made it worse.
47:20Because look, the seagulls didn't leave.
47:23And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:26And he keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:30Oh.
47:31Well, yeah, yeah.
47:32And now tell me about it.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir.
47:41Stop.
47:42Stop.
47:43You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears.
47:47But this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you
47:49because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54The bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
48:00There's nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:04Oh, yeah!
48:05Oh, yeah!
48:06Oh, yeah!
48:07Oh, yeah!
48:08Oh, yeah!
48:10Oh, yeah!
48:10Oh, yeah!
48:11Oh, yeah!
48:14Oh, yeah!
48:15Oh, yeah!
48:18Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Casabia!
48:22Oh, yeah!
48:31Look at me for the new mouse.
48:32We arrived in the same place.
48:38If it's far by the lights upon your face.
48:46Why are you I was moving ablaze through 10 years ago?
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:01Now we're finally here together
49:05Seeing you release the pressure
49:08Keepin' through this long weather
49:13Release the pressure, release the pressure
49:17Release the pressure, release the pressure
49:24Release the pressure
49:43We arrived at the same place
49:51Get the ties by the lights to look on your face
49:58We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:02No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:06We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:10No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:17Get your hands to the air
50:19On your three-piece suite
50:28Now we're finally here together
50:33Seeing you release the pressure
50:35Even through the south i will
50:39вый parties
50:41Release the pressure
50:43Release the pressure
50:45Release the pressure
50:47Tear hole
50:48get up
51:10I'm going in.
51:11I'm going in.
51:12Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
51:32You
51:49Basically I keep having nightmares I'm gonna leave my baby on the bus which is weird because I never take
51:54the boss
51:55Sasha darling you could leave your baby anywhere
52:01Hi, sorry, we're late. Sorry. Hi. You must be Nick welcome. Oh, thank you. Look before you meet my partner
52:08I just wanted to give you a heads up
52:10Big weekend coming up a lot of big feelings
52:23No one look at me I'm a house. Oh
52:27My god, that's the Easter Bunny. Oh, we'll do pickies later Nick. Give me a hand
52:31Okay, yeah, just give me a hand. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Okay. Oh
52:40Pascal
52:41Can I just say it's so nice to see another gay couple here. Yeah, seriously so nice
52:46We meet a couple like you and it's like yeah, they are the exact same thing as us
52:52I don't know that exact same thing so Nick and Pascal
52:57How are you feeling? Oh gosh, I mean all the normal stuff. I think right nervous excited. Yeah
53:03Yeah, really stressed about pushing all
53:0682 million of them out. Oh
53:12But hey, what are people supposed to do? Not have Easter eggs
53:18You give birth to Easter eggs
53:20No, he does
53:25I assumed
53:27Gosh, sorry, suddenly feel a bit sick
53:29I assumed Easter eggs were all made in factories
53:33Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history my love
53:37Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing
53:40Well, what is it then? I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me
53:47No, please don't learn anything from this
53:50Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people
53:56Oh, thanks doll. I mean my body shot, but my nipples are so long you could braid them
54:02Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding, you know, braid my nipples
54:05You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them
54:09What?
54:13He thinks people raise the eggs as their children. Can we please not pull the curtain back on this? Thank
54:18you
54:18My ears are famously huge, Nick. You're not even covering up the holes
54:24Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out
54:26No, no, no, no, is it true what he said, the foreign one?
54:31I'm Scottish
54:32I'm Scottish
54:33Babe, the eggs
54:35They're chocolate
54:37Nick
54:39You're scaring me
54:42Chocolate is food, Pascal, I can't shield you from this anymore
54:46They eat the eggs because chocolate is food
54:49But hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy
54:55They, they do?
54:57Yes
54:57Yes, children
54:59And adults who are too close to their parents
55:02And people who win crap raffles in May
55:05Give so many people so much joy
55:09I love you so much
55:11I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us and I'm proud of you
55:15I'm proud of us
55:17Is it rude to ask like where the eggs come out of?
55:21I'm proud of you
55:23Dare you
55:26This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873
55:33Crack house pit bulls lead better lives
55:36You know what? You know what? I am wrung out like a flannel
55:39And you've done nothing but belittle me, him and our community since we've arrived
55:45Boys, as an ally, I am mortified
55:49You know what? Just save your apologies
55:50He's due any minute in the birthing process
55:52He's literally one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine
55:56So we're leaving
55:57Help me up, Nick
55:57Help me up
55:58Give me away, baby
55:58Surrender to me
55:59Don't shock me
55:59Surrender to me
56:00Okay, okay
56:01Get the bags, get the bags
56:02Get the car ready
56:04It's outrageous
56:05I don't know why we even bother
56:11And they come out the back
56:27Wow
56:28Make some noise
56:31My biggest thanks to Kasabian
56:33And a huge thank you to the cast
56:35Surprises
56:36Everyone working on tonight's show
56:38For making this such an unforgettable week
56:40Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up
56:43And good night
56:50Glad to be on the show
56:53Thank you for tuning in, for turning in, for you
56:59Thank you for turning out
56:59Over theinet
56:59Over theinet
57:02Over theinet
57:07Beyond
57:09Over theinet
57:11Over theinet
57:11Over theinet
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