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00:00:11Oh
00:00:14Golly, well, well, what if Donald shouts at me?
00:00:19What do I say labby?
00:00:23Just be yourself Prime Minister yourself is who everyone likes
00:00:30Hello
00:00:35I've sought that scary scary wonderful president
00:00:40Why so blubber difficult to talk to?
00:00:44Just be honest and tell them we can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz Oh
00:00:50Crumbs, I just hate conflict so much
00:00:55Are you referring to the wall or this phone call?
00:00:57Isn't there a way I can not do both?
00:01:01I just want to keep him happy labby
00:01:04You don't understand him like I do. I could change him I
00:01:11Don't think the feelings mutual he can't stop insulting you he called you a coward
00:01:16I'm out of my depth here labby
00:01:19How did this trust make this job look so easy?
00:01:25Look we were worried you'd lose your nerve so we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence
00:01:31Mr. Prime Minister meet your Gen Z advisor at Luke Hoopie
00:01:34What's off Stamzy?
00:01:35Boop, boop, boop
00:01:38Is the most qualified person we have he is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would so
00:01:44again in the next election
00:01:47You're not voting for the Green Party
00:01:49Nah, my dad works in oil
00:01:52No cap Stamzy, I love you and I do hearts this way with my thumb
00:01:57Thank you at little hoopie. I love you too
00:02:02Sirk here is trying to set boundaries with the president while preserving their special relationship
00:02:07Mmm, I see. Facts. Facts. Okay, so you're looking for more of a special situation ship. Okay, I've got you
00:02:14covered
00:02:15I'm an expert in messy drama. I've been in three throuples, and I'm currently gay
00:02:22First thing you've got to do you've got to forget the phone call these days all about the voice note.
00:02:27Oh, I'll try anything. I'll do anything
00:02:31Except take a stand
00:02:35So care-coded hey listen take the phone and just speak from the heart
00:02:42Hi Donald
00:02:45I'm afraid I can't go to war with you
00:02:48That doesn't mean we can't still be chums
00:02:53America and Britain have a long proud tradition of cooperation and nothing can take that away
00:03:00Remember the good times
00:03:02Remember D-Day
00:03:05Remember Live Aid
00:03:08Remember Iraq
00:03:11For the first week and then none of the rest
00:03:16Remember
00:03:16Remember Helen Baxendale of friends
00:03:20Remember Hugh Laurie on friends
00:03:23Remember the episode of friends where they all came to London
00:03:28Remember the one where Joey put on all of childless clothes
00:03:34That was a funny one
00:03:39Get back on tracks I get yes most importantly remember the one where Ross and Rachel were on a break
00:03:46I
00:03:48Think perhaps that's what we need
00:03:50Not forever just until you've got all this war out of your system
00:03:55Listen we want different things I know how badly you want to start world war three and that's great
00:04:04You should absolutely do that but we can't be a part of it
00:04:09You can however use the naval bases whenever you want
00:04:14Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:20Me bassa sue bassa
00:04:44And embrace their wonderful
00:04:46And embrace their wonderful unproblematic culture
00:04:48Speaking of which
00:04:51Speaking of which
00:04:52Live from London
00:04:53It's Saturday
00:05:04It's Saturday Night Live
00:05:07With
00:05:09With
00:05:12With
00:05:13With
00:05:14It's
00:05:19Iowate
00:05:20And
00:05:21With
00:05:23And
00:05:25With
00:05:26Larry Dean
00:05:28With
00:05:33And
00:05:35With
00:05:35With
00:05:35With
00:05:37With
00:05:37George Fouracres.
00:05:44Anya Magliano.
00:05:50Annabelle Marlowe.
00:05:56Al Nash.
00:06:01Jack Sheff.
00:06:07Emma Ciddy.
00:06:15Paddy Young.
00:06:22Musical guest, Wet Leg.
00:06:28And your host, Tina Fey.
00:06:40Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey.
00:06:45Tina Fey.
00:07:02Thank you very much.
00:07:03Oh my gosh, I am so excited to be here in London.
00:07:07It is an absolute honor and honestly, kind of historic.
00:07:11Guys, I am the youngest person ever to host SNL UK.
00:07:20Again, my name is Tina Fey.
00:07:22Here in the UK, you might know me as the teacher from Mean Girls.
00:07:29Or you might remember a long time ago when I played Sarah Palin on SNL UL.
00:07:37Or maybe you feel like you recognize me as the lady from the show Veep.
00:07:42And that's fine too.
00:07:44Let's go with that.
00:07:45So why do a UK version of SNL?
00:07:48Well, like so many large-scale American operations these days, no one really knows why.
00:07:56But here's what this is.
00:07:58Okay, it is a sketch comedy show.
00:08:00There will be a different celebrity host each week.
00:08:03There will be music performances.
00:08:04And the show is truly live.
00:08:06So things may go wrong.
00:08:09Things may have already gone wrong.
00:08:11My pants were supposed to be full length.
00:08:14And I'm so excited for you to meet your cast.
00:08:17They are wonderful.
00:08:18I can't even begin to understand them when they speak.
00:08:23One boy is either Scottish or choking.
00:08:28But their energy is A+.
00:08:30And I'm going to stay out of their way tonight as much as possible.
00:08:34I'm just here as a long-time SNL employee to help out and to answer, like, any questions anyone might
00:08:42have of what to...
00:08:43Oh, hi!
00:08:44Yeah, Nicola Coughlin.
00:08:49It is lovely to see you.
00:08:52But my question is, if this is SNL UK, then why are you the first host?
00:08:58Like, shouldn't it be like a British icon, like David Beckham or Judi Dench or like Shrek?
00:09:03Yeah, Shrek is British?
00:09:06Scotland is in Britain, Tina.
00:09:09Educate yourself.
00:09:10Okay, sorry, I told you.
00:09:11Well, that is a valid question.
00:09:13Why an American host?
00:09:15And the way it was explained to me was that for this first episode anyway, how do I put this
00:09:21politely?
00:09:22None of you fuckers would do it?
00:09:26Does that make sense?
00:09:27It does, yeah.
00:09:28It does.
00:09:28But is it possible that many of us were a little reluctant to be in the first show because this
00:09:35is going out in Britain?
00:09:36And British people tend to root for the failure of others.
00:09:40Yeah, yeah.
00:09:41Yeah, why are you guys like that?
00:09:43Well, not me.
00:09:44I'm Irish.
00:09:46Educate yourself.
00:09:49Look, that all is to say, if this show is a hit and if you do ever happen to get
00:09:52Olly Murs for Musical Guest, I would be honoured to come back and win a BAFTA for it.
00:09:58Amazing.
00:09:59Well, that's great to know.
00:10:00Thank you, Nicola.
00:10:05Any other questions?
00:10:06Oh, sure.
00:10:07Michael Cera.
00:10:08Hi.
00:10:13Hi, Tina.
00:10:14Hi, Michael.
00:10:15Why are you here?
00:10:15You're not British.
00:10:17No, I'm Canadian.
00:10:18It's part of the Commonwealth.
00:10:19Educate yourself.
00:10:23Sorry.
00:10:24No, I don't really have a question, but I just wanted to say, I think you just swore a second
00:10:28ago.
00:10:28You said the F word.
00:10:30Oh, yeah.
00:10:30We are allowed to swear in this version of the show.
00:10:37It's crazy.
00:10:38Can I try?
00:10:39Sure, if you want to.
00:10:43Shitbird.
00:10:44Just fucking bollocks.
00:10:49I think I would use it sparingly.
00:10:50It feels kind of unclassy.
00:10:51Yeah, you know what?
00:10:52You're right.
00:10:53I agree, Michael.
00:10:54That's a great note.
00:10:54Thank you so much.
00:10:58We have time for one more.
00:11:01Oh, yes.
00:11:01Graham Norton.
00:11:05So nice to see you.
00:11:07I just wondered, did you know that this is usually my studio?
00:11:11Yeah, I did hear that, Graham.
00:11:13Thank you for loaning it to us.
00:11:14Oh, would you mind if I came up there and just showed you a fiddly thing about this place?
00:11:18Oh, I would love it.
00:11:18Come on, Graham Norton, everybody.
00:11:20Come on up.
00:11:23Great.
00:11:24Thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:11:25Yeah, sure.
00:11:25Now, Tina, I believe you've always had a deep love of British comedy.
00:11:32Are you interviewing me now?
00:11:34Let me help you.
00:11:36I have a gift for making American celebrities likable to a British audience.
00:11:41Wait, are we not likable?
00:11:43Oh.
00:11:46Hey, I hear you have a really funny story about watching British television as a young child.
00:11:52Oh, well, yes, actually.
00:11:54Growing up, we thought that anything British was educational, so my parents showed us all
00:11:59British shows, and we used to watch Benny Hill as a family.
00:12:03No.
00:12:04Oh, as a young girl, you would watch Benny Hill?
00:12:07No.
00:12:08It really messed me up sexually.
00:12:12What about Ab Fab?
00:12:13Oh, sweetie, darling.
00:12:14You're just a little shop girl, darling.
00:12:15Keeping up appearances.
00:12:17Richard!
00:12:18Oh, Monty Python.
00:12:19That is an ex-parrot!
00:12:21Fawlty Towers.
00:12:22Nobody mention the war!
00:12:23Are you being served?
00:12:24My pussy is like an alarm club.
00:12:27Where's your parent?
00:12:28I didn't get where I am today by waffling.
00:12:31Deep cut, Monty Python.
00:12:32We lived in shoebox in middle of road.
00:12:35EastEnders.
00:12:36I killed Ethel.
00:12:38Oh, my!
00:12:40David Fred!
00:12:43David Fred!
00:12:43There's been a rape up there!
00:12:46And dark trends!
00:12:47Nothing beats a Jet 2 holiday.
00:12:50Autoglass repair!
00:12:51Autoglass replace!
00:12:52Oh, that's all yours now, Tina.
00:12:56All yours.
00:12:57We've done a great show.
00:12:58Wet Leg is here.
00:12:59Stick your out and watch this!
00:13:06When it comes to age-defying skin care, I don't need a time machine.
00:13:12I just need something that works.
00:13:14So I can bring back the spark in me.
00:13:17And in us.
00:13:21And now, I've found it.
00:13:23The anti-aging cream that works so well, everyone will think your husband is a nonce.
00:13:29No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:13:31She's my wife.
00:13:32She's a great woman.
00:13:33Shut your mouth.
00:13:34You made me sick.
00:13:40Introducing Inderage.
00:13:42With active compounds and hyaluronic acid, Inderage delivers special protection for your skin
00:13:47and ensures your husband will need special protection when he's in jail.
00:13:51My wife's skin has never looked more youthful and fresh.
00:13:54It's destroyed my life.
00:13:55Thanks, Inderage.
00:13:57My skin looks so fresh.
00:13:58My husband can't go anywhere without being hunted by right-wing pedophile-catching militias.
00:14:08Frank, someone's at the door for.
00:14:11Thanks, Inderage.
00:14:13My husband is no longer allowed within 200 feet of a score.
00:14:17My husband lost his record deal.
00:14:20And some, but not all, of his fans.
00:14:24He loves the way I look.
00:14:26Yeah, but, you know, not like that.
00:14:28Sorry.
00:14:29Excuse me.
00:14:30Little girl.
00:14:31Little girl, do you know this man?
00:14:33Little girl.
00:14:35You sick bastard.
00:14:37He's married to an Inderage girl.
00:14:39He's married to an Inderage girl.
00:14:42I'm married to an underage girl.
00:14:45I'm going to have I pronounced that right.
00:14:49No, I didn't mean that.
00:14:51No, it's the name of the thing.
00:14:54Inderage.
00:14:55I'm not underage.
00:14:57Or am I?
00:14:58She's not.
00:14:59She's not.
00:15:00Inderage.
00:15:01By Peter Lay.
00:15:11Hello.
00:15:12I'm David Attenborough.
00:15:15And it can't be long now.
00:15:21As the only remaining national treasure not on that list.
00:15:27I enjoy a place as one of 90% of the British public's dream dinner party guests.
00:15:34But I'm often asked who would be on mine.
00:15:38Well, using DNA sampling and my own brother's Jurassic Park technology, I have reanimated some of history's greatest Britons for
00:15:49one night only.
00:15:50So that I can ask them.
00:15:52So that I can ask them what really makes Britain great.
00:15:55This is David Attenborough's Last Supper.
00:16:07I'd like to welcome my guests.
00:16:10Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
00:16:14Astronomere and mathematician Sir Isaac Newton.
00:16:18Nurse Mary Z.
00:16:20Cole, Diana, Princess of Wales, author, Agatha Christie, poet, Benjamin Zephaniah, Freddie
00:16:34Mercury from Queen, Elizabeth I from Being the Queen, and surprise, surprise, it's Cilla
00:16:45Black. Thank you so much for hosting this dinner party, Sir David. You're very welcome, Princess
00:16:54Di. Now, as this cloning technology only works for one hour, I'll cut to the chase. What
00:17:09do you think makes Britain great? Before we commence, there is a mystery I should like
00:17:17to solve. Are we doing starters? I'm getting a starter and bleeding starving. Yes, order
00:17:25whatever you like. Tonight is about thrilling conversation and the greatness of Great Britain.
00:17:32Yes, Winston Churchill. Shall we get three starters for the table and do picky bits?
00:17:39Eh-oh. Freddie says he wants the croquettes. Oh, yeah. I'd have the croquettes, but I only
00:17:47want a little nibble. Well, hang on, hang on. By my calculations, there are three croquettes
00:18:00in one order and ten of us. Therefore, if we order three portions, one person will miss
00:18:04out. The solution is simple. We order four. That means that three people will get two croquettes.
00:18:12But who? Another mystery. Look, look, look, look. Don't worry about the food. The BBC have
00:18:19spared no expense bringing you back to life. I'm sure they're happy to cover one dinner at the
00:18:27the ivy. Now, as to the source of Britain's greatness. Not to be that person, but I don't
00:18:33like croquettes. I'd rather get the soup. How about? That's a lot of starter just for use.
00:18:39Habity daddy. Freddie's right. We should all have to pay for your starter. No, no one's paying.
00:18:45No one's paying. It's cupboard, guys. Tonight, it's about scintillating conversation and learning
00:18:56from each other. Yes, Benjamin Zephaniah. Do you think each coffee comes with a free rice?
00:19:01If it has an asterisk next to its name, then it comes with a free rice.
00:19:07People on the street. You're right, Freddie. There are some people on the street. But that
00:19:13doesn't answer the question about poppadoms. Stop it. Stop it now. It doesn't matter what
00:19:22we have to eat. I'll put that down. Put it down. This experiment has been a complete waste
00:19:30of time and money. The answer I was looking for as to what makes Britain truly great was
00:19:37the NHS and centre parks. There. You've ruined it. Dinner over. Now we shall move on to the
00:19:49love-making portion of the evening. Anybody who wants to leave, now's your chance.
00:20:00head over to iPlayer now to see the full uncut edition of David Attenborough's Last Supper.
00:20:43Heya! How you doing? I'm Ed Boobies. Welcome to Boobies Goes to the Films, the show about
00:20:49all things cinema. And this is a very special day. I'm pinching myself to be honest. We've
00:20:54got Ricky Hall and Lena Phillips in the house. In the house. What's happening? Good to be
00:21:02here. They're here to talk to us through their new film, Hot Streak. And they are two icons
00:21:07of cinema. I hope you don't mind me saying. No, I don't mind at all. Keep saying it.
00:21:14Lina, I've been a fan since your first film, Sunrise Eyes. Wow, that's a deep cut. Oh, yeah.
00:21:24And Ricky, Crazy Goat, underrated movie. Thanks so much, man. No, no, thank you. And I guess
00:21:32I'm trying to say, I love you and your work so much. I hope that's not too creepy. Thank you.
00:21:37Thanks so much, man. Wow.
00:21:38Okay, so let's talk about Hot Streak. I watched this last night. It fucking sucked.
00:21:49Excuse me? It sucked. So bad. Like, all the way through. What happened?
00:22:02Um... Lina, you first. Yeah, um, well, we loved working on this movie. Uh-huh. Yeah, it
00:22:10was a dream to work with Vicky, our director. But why did it suck so bad, like, all the way
00:22:15through?
00:22:16Well, I don't, I don't think it sucked. It did. Did it? Yeah, all the way through. Where's our PR?
00:22:24No, no, he's
00:22:25gone to get me some fruit. Look. I could be wrong. I don't think I am. But I could be.
00:22:32Let's check
00:22:32out a clip. Oh. Oh, boo. This sucking so bad, Ricky. You're not even acting there.
00:22:46I mean, you are acting, but it's so wrong and sour. You know? No, no. Stop the tape. Stop the
00:22:53tape.
00:22:54It's just... That sucks. I just... I just know if you tried, if everyone tried and, like, gave
00:23:07me everything, we could have got there. It didn't have to be good. You know, I don't need good.
00:23:14I just need it not to fucking suck. Like, all the way through. Can everything stop sucking
00:23:20all the time? Because it's making my life bad. Is that too much to ask? Please.
00:23:28Sorry. We're... We're sorry. That's okay. Join us next time on Boobies Go To The Films. I've been at Boobies
00:23:37wishing you a decent day. Oh, get in, legend. Thanks.
00:23:46Get to work. What a time to be alive, people. My name is Turpin Turpin. Yep. Both my names are
00:23:52Turpin. Great job. All right. Jan, how we doing? Good.
00:23:55Yeah. What do we do here? We're all working together to make the internet as bad as we can possibly
00:23:59get it. It's... It's a team effort.
00:24:01I'm Jan, I'm almost 19, and I'm the password manager. Essentially, my job is just before you enter in a
00:24:08short, memorable password of your own, I come up with a very long and complicated one, once I'll remember it,
00:24:13and then I don't.
00:24:15I'm the X-Man. I do all the X's for online adverts. We try and make them smaller than any
00:24:20human finger. Even if you do manage to press it, what does an X even mean?
00:24:24Sometimes it can mean, close this window. Sometimes it can mean, open four more windows. It can matter.
00:24:30I think most people think it's the first one. Most people voted for Hitler. Sorry. I'm online a lot. Don't
00:24:39know what's real.
00:24:40The thing is, is there are websites that no one would ever intentionally visit. You know, no one actually wants
00:24:46to enter the Omaze house draw.
00:24:48No one is really owed money just to being born between 1995 and 1997. And no one intentionally clicks on
00:24:54family guide porn. Except me.
00:24:57But that's only because of how much I like to look at it. This is good, people. This is good.
00:25:03Woo!
00:25:04My speciality. I'm the guy who moves things at the last second so that people click on the wrong stuff
00:25:08online.
00:25:16Okay, she's about to click. Standby. Standing by.
00:25:24She's hovering. She's hovering. And... Budget.
00:25:36Annoying.
00:25:37Yes! Yes! Yes!
00:25:43That's five seconds. She won't get back.
00:25:46So...
00:25:48We got her.
00:25:53Do you get paid?
00:25:54No. No, no, no.
00:25:57Well, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Do you get paid for your job?
00:26:01Yes.
00:26:04Interesting.
00:26:12Gosh, ten hours of labour. Doesn't look like this little man's in a rush.
00:26:16Why is it taking so long? Don't worry. He's just a bit... He's just a bit shy.
00:26:22Oh, look at it. He's just...
00:26:24Oh, bless him. Well, there's not wrong with being shy, is there?
00:26:28Oh, no, wrong at all. I think I prefer a shy one, to be honest.
00:26:34Not in my way. I'm Dr. Amanda Miller. I graduated Harvard, summa cum laude.
00:26:38My kids are very mean to me, but I don't have time to get into that right now.
00:26:42Wait, where's the obstetrician here? He's just a bit shy, isn't he?
00:26:46I wish that was the case. I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cook, but your baby is not shy.
00:26:50He's something much more sinister. He's pretending to be shy for attention.
00:26:59And we need to act fast before it metastasizes.
00:27:04But this all seems a bit dramatic.
00:27:05Unless you want your son to be an adult man who is addicted to cancelling plans,
00:27:10let me do my goddamn job.
00:27:14Wait, hang on. What if he's shy around strangers,
00:27:18but he lets his guard down around people he trusts?
00:27:21Like an introverted extrovert.
00:27:23Yeah, those are essentially a myth.
00:27:25Most people who make a big deal out of being shy are, medically speaking, fake-ass divas.
00:27:32That son of mine's gonna be a fake-ass diva.
00:27:35I mean, look, I'm no doctor. I'm just a stupid rocket scientist, but...
00:27:41I think he's genuinely shy.
00:27:44Okay, but like, now he's dancing.
00:27:55I'm just like, why would a genuinely shy person do that?
00:28:00Wait, he's quite good.
00:28:02Oh my God. He is quite good.
00:28:06He's not amazing, but he's quite good.
00:28:09He's got spirit. You can tell he's actually enjoying himself.
00:28:13Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
00:28:17Mr. and Mrs. Cook, this is serious.
00:28:20Okay, an authentically shy person would not pop their puss in this manner.
00:28:26Oh, Harry. Maybe she's right.
00:28:29What if her son is giving cringe?
00:28:32Only claiming to be socially awkward when it suits him.
00:28:35Slash them.
00:28:37He's sitting in the corner at parties because he gets overwhelmed,
00:28:41but then he's the loudest and most abrasive person there by quite some distance.
00:28:47The type of bitch to give a presentation at work and make the whole thing about how nervous he is,
00:28:51even though it's like, girl, you volunteered to do this.
00:28:55Oh, no.
00:28:57Now he's holding his hands out to show that they're shaking,
00:28:59but it's obvious it's him who's making it happen.
00:29:04Doctor, do something!
00:29:06Grab a leg.
00:29:08Honey, are you the diamond in my wedding ring?
00:29:11Because you are fake as hell and we can see right through you, okay?
00:29:16Okay, well, he's dancing again.
00:29:18Oh, God.
00:29:19Doctor, please!
00:29:20We just want him out of there safe and sound!
00:29:24Fine.
00:29:25I promised myself I would never do this.
00:29:29Hey, sweetie.
00:29:30How are you feeling?
00:29:32So, um, a bunch of us are thinking of doing karaoke?
00:29:37Stop! Don't leave without me!
00:29:40But I'm literally just gonna watch.
00:29:42Woo!
00:29:44He's coming!
00:29:45He's coming!
00:29:46He's coming!
00:29:47Congratulations!
00:29:49He's a nightmare!
00:30:05Ladies and gentlemen, wet leg!
00:30:15Nice child, get out of the way.
00:30:18We're in our way.
00:30:20You brought him feet up, too bad.
00:30:24Whether you couldn't stay, we're in our way.
00:30:27Keep going, baby.
00:30:30Keep going!
00:30:34Keep going right.
00:30:43You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:30:47You wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:30:50But take this packet, you read it, it says March 2
00:30:54I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:30:58Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:01I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:05Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:13Good God, give you an A, a golden star
00:31:18You think I'm pretty cool
00:31:20Good God, she took a break, made a mistake
00:31:25But she needs a little
00:31:29Quieres forever
00:31:32Quieres forever
00:31:41You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:31:45You wanna fuck me, I know most people do
00:31:48But take this packet, you read it, it says March 2
00:31:52I gave you magic beans, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:55I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:59Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:02Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:28You're washed up
00:32:30You're washed up around the room
00:32:32You're standing in my light
00:32:35You're standing in my light
00:32:42You're standing in my light
00:32:48You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:32:52You think I'm pretty cool
00:32:53You think I'm pretty cool
00:32:53You say scare, I know most people do
00:32:56This is the real world honey
00:32:58Yeah baby, spider everything, our business just for getting through
00:33:03Nice try, now get out of the way
00:33:06Dude, try, you take a fucking year
00:33:10I said I'd be her, you wanna be her, you wanna be her
00:33:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:33:17Nice try, get out of the way
00:33:20You're in our way, get lost forever
00:33:55It's Weekend Update
00:33:58With Anya Magliano and Paddy Young
00:34:09I'm Paddy Young
00:34:11And I'm Anya Magliano
00:34:17Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, paedophilia
00:34:20But first, war
00:34:24Yesterday in a shock U-turn, Keir Starmer finally gave his consent for President Trump
00:34:30To use British bases to protect the Strait of Hormuz
00:34:33At which point Trump said, consent, now you've taken all the fun out of it
00:34:40As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai, the cost of chartering a private jet has risen so high that many
00:34:47influencers have been struggling to flee
00:34:49I must stress though, it's not all good news
00:34:57If any influencers are killed, and again, we can only hope they are
00:35:02At least they'll be easy to identify by their dental records
00:35:05They're the massive white ones, made in Turkey
00:35:09You gotta feel for them, they went there to evade income tax, and now they have to evade income in
00:35:13a tax
00:35:15We're now three weeks into the Iran war
00:35:17Which started with the death of one Ayatollah Khomini
00:35:20And the appointment of another Ayatollah Khomini
00:35:23Khomini, two but one's dead now
00:35:33Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved
00:35:35German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius said there would be no military participation from Germany
00:35:41Where was this energy in 1939?
00:35:47Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
00:35:53How do you do the name Saddam Walliams?
00:36:00The head of the Asian Football Confederation said this week
00:36:04That Iran is still set to play at the upcoming World Cup in America
00:36:08If Iran does take part, America has guaranteed that all of their matches will be refereed by a completely impartial
00:36:15MQ-9 Reaper drone
00:36:18We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war
00:36:22But the Strait of Hormuz is also the primary route for a third of the world's helium
00:36:26A spokesperson for the helium industry said
00:36:36We've run out of helium
00:36:46With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and the Royal Navy almost completely out of action
00:36:52The government have decided to send in the only British naval captain who's ready to go
00:36:58Please welcome Captain Birdseye
00:37:07Now Captain, I think the question a lot of people at home are asking is
00:37:15Why is the government sending a fish finger man to a red-hot war zone?
00:37:19Fish finger man, I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land
00:37:24Succulent cod fillets and a perfectly crispy golden crumb
00:37:28Only the best for the captain's table
00:37:30Fish finger?
00:37:31Captain Birdseye, can I remind you, this is a military operation
00:37:35Exactly, preparation, timing, control
00:37:38Six minutes one side, turn
00:37:41Six minutes the other
00:37:42Now that's what I call a proper fish finger
00:37:45Fish finger?
00:37:47You're about to be deployed to a ramp
00:37:49Can you stop banging on about fish fingers?
00:37:51Fine, we also do chicken dippers, potato waffles
00:37:56And for some reason, the devil only knows, peas
00:37:59Captain, there are real lives at stake here
00:38:02Oh, you want to get real, do you, you scurvy little deck rat?
00:38:07Alright, answer me this
00:38:09You think I've spent the last five decades
00:38:11Sailing around in a 150-foot schooner
00:38:14With 300 singing children
00:38:16Just to sell fish fingers, do ye?
00:38:18I'm sorry, did you say 300 singing children?
00:38:20Cause I'll tell you what's real
00:38:23You bilge-drinking haddock
00:38:25What's real is the nation's favourite fish fingers
00:38:28Are just a cover for my actual work
00:38:30Special forces black ops savagery
00:38:32That would haunt your dreams
00:38:34What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck with the machete
00:38:39Watching it yawn open, hot and steaming
00:38:42Like a split fish finger
00:38:44This is insane
00:38:46Insane?
00:38:47I'll show you insane
00:38:50Are those human fingers?
00:38:52Only the best for the captain's table
00:38:56Captain Burnsey, everyone!
00:38:58Not a new hero!
00:39:05Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's new home, Marsh Farm
00:39:08Have been taking place over the last month
00:39:10Including the installation of Sky TV
00:39:14So, if you're watching, Andrew
00:39:16Hello!
00:39:17You're not gonna like this next bit
00:39:20Also, I'm older than I look
00:39:28Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm
00:39:30Is of course named after the nearby marsh where his body will be found
00:39:37It was reported this week that the police investigation into Andrew is set to widen
00:39:42The big question now is, if Andrew is charged, found guilty and put in prison
00:39:47Will he be able to keep his mouth shut?
00:39:49I hope not, said his cellmate's penis
00:39:59Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, told Times Radio that she would confront a shoplifter if they were, quote, not too big
00:40:08So, rest assured, if you shoplift and Kemi does try to stop you, it means she thinks you're skinny
00:40:16In showbiz news, feuding father and son David and Brooklyn Beckham narrowly miss each other whilst at the same Beverly
00:40:22Hills Hotel
00:40:22The feud began when Victoria was, quote,
00:40:26Inappropriately close with her son at his wedding
00:40:28And escalated after Brooklyn accidentally yelled out his wife's name during sex with his mum
00:40:43The award-winning TV series It's a Sin is set to be adapted for the stage as a dance show
00:40:49As if a TV show about the AIDS crisis could get any gayer
00:40:57Tonight, the K-pop band BTS are launching their New World Tour
00:41:00My worry is, with 82 dates across 23 countries, the stress of the tour is going to put a strain
00:41:07on Jimin and V's soulmate relationship
00:41:09Sure, J-Hope nurtures Sugars in a child
00:41:12But will Jimin's teasing of sugar make V jealous?
00:41:15And can RM give enough skin chip to baby Jungkook while melting at J-Hope's laugh?
00:41:19Will his dimples still be popping at Jimin's cuteness after an 82 date tour?
00:41:24No idea
00:41:26I'm not really that into BTS
00:41:29For Weekend Update, I'm Anya Magliano
00:41:31And I'm Paddy Young, goodbye!
00:41:48So...
00:42:11Please be safe in London, Will.
00:42:14Nay, worry not, wife.
00:42:16I will be nothing but safe.
00:42:18For all I will think of is returning to thee and our boy, Hamnet.
00:42:25What about our daughters?
00:42:27I must away.
00:42:30My production of the tempest begins anon.
00:42:35Adieu.
00:42:49Tempest was a hit.
00:42:53Methinks I might write another of these plays.
00:42:58Will, thou art returned.
00:43:00Did I not tell thee I would?
00:43:02But hast thou nothing to say?
00:43:06I have sorely missed thee.
00:43:09Likewise, my dear wife, likewise.
00:43:11But dost thou not think I appear chinged?
00:43:17Tis hard to fix mine eyes on anything for the blood that doth course in mine veins on the sweet
00:43:23return of thee to me.
00:43:25Really look at me, though.
00:43:29What vexes thee?
00:43:31I've got a cunty little earring.
00:43:38That's all it is.
00:43:39The hour is upon me.
00:43:40I must to London.
00:43:42My staging of Macbeth awaiteth.
00:43:47Farewell, Will.
00:43:48I will wait upon thy return.
00:44:06William, thou art returned.
00:44:11Good day, wife.
00:44:13Good day, Hamnet.
00:44:20Will, how London hath changed thee.
00:44:25Come, wife.
00:44:26Let me sit and put me fate up.
00:44:31What art thou wearing?
00:44:33Oh, dislike it.
00:44:36Tis me slutty little chain.
00:44:42Tis all rage in London.
00:44:45I must to London.
00:44:49My next staging awaits.
00:44:52Henry IV, part two.
00:44:54Henry V.
00:44:58Let not London change thee too much.
00:45:16You don't call them and have returned it.
00:45:22Hey, family.
00:45:32Will, mine eyes do not recognise thee.
00:45:35Well, tis me bitch.
00:45:39Will, thou art a different man.
00:45:42Peace, wife.
00:45:43I be you, Shakespeare.
00:45:44The remix be Troy Savan.
00:45:49Tis not thee, Will.
00:45:50Tis so, bitch.
00:45:53Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon, and I've been in London upon Ketamin.
00:46:00I'm like Charlie XCX.
00:46:01Sorry, Charlie 10, 110.
00:46:08I'm in my glow era, I'm in my glow, I'm in my glow-up era, honey.
00:46:13What's that era?
00:46:14We are in one, bitch.
00:46:16Mine.
00:46:19My wife, I bring gifts.
00:46:21This is called a tote bag.
00:46:26I want that not.
00:46:31Wig, my girl.
00:46:33Thou'st look cunty for sure.
00:46:37What does the C word mean?
00:46:40Hmm.
00:46:41Methinks I can't explain.
00:46:42It's not a bad word.
00:46:44It's a good thing.
00:46:45A great thing.
00:46:46It's bleached brows.
00:46:49It's the cast of Desperate Housewives.
00:46:52It's cabin crew, bald head on a woman.
00:46:55The Elizabeth line, a thin woman eating a big pig.
00:46:57plate of meat.
00:46:58It is as the riddles play upon thy tongue.
00:47:01Thou art just gagged.
00:47:07Hamlets ate the powder within your coin purse.
00:47:18He'll be fine.
00:47:20Tis but a K hole.
00:47:22And you know what hitteth hard in the hole?
00:47:25Rihanna, bitch.
00:47:25Cha.
00:47:27You're the best.
00:47:31Don't leader.
00:47:33Williams.
00:47:39Come here.
00:47:49You've seen the film.
00:47:51you've heard the musical now experience the experience
00:47:58the live paddington bear experience this is so exciting we can't believe we're actually going
00:48:05to meet paddington aren't we we brought marmalade sandwiches it's claren pentu and we got bands
00:48:12from magic mike and liz kept groping magic mike watch out paddington i can't wait to meet that
00:48:20little bear welcome to 32 windsor gardens at london's most immersive experience get closer
00:48:32to paddington than ever before now who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear
00:48:41janet open the cage a place where memories last forever
00:48:53haddington
00:49:06why did we hire a real bear well i know we wanted to hire the little actress from the musical
00:49:15but she
00:49:16wanted too much money and i had seen the bear in something he was amazing what was it
00:49:29the zoo i had seen him at the zoo
00:49:34that was amazing yeah well i've lost half my face
00:49:40none of that happened in the films that was a lot more blood than i thought there'd be
00:49:46and at paddington's photo booth we'll be sure to capture all of the magic
00:49:51well i was actually on a terrible date but let's just say i didn't need to ask for angela
00:49:56i asked for paddington the guardian calls it truly unforgettable
00:50:03they said he likes marmalade he doesn't like marmalade he likes human hands
00:50:11i've always thought that three kids was a bit too many and now i've got the optimum amount
00:50:19none the sage says inarguably immersive do i have any regrets
00:50:26in retrospect maybe hot glue gunning the hat to the bear's head may have made it more angry
00:50:34i'm taking it to broadway regardless the live paddington bear experience
00:50:39book before june 25th and get a free tetanus jab
00:50:42book between and catch them
00:50:44book before june 25th and get one of those i found a fur
00:50:45book anymore
00:50:46book shris
00:50:53bookie
00:50:54blogged
00:50:58bookie
00:51:03bookie
00:51:11books
00:51:12bookie
00:51:12Can you catch a medicine ball?
00:51:16Can you catch yourself when you fall?
00:51:19You should be careful, do you catch my drift?
00:51:23Cause what I really want to know is can you catch these fists?
00:51:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down.
00:51:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:39Level up.
00:51:40I know I'll do well just with your life.
00:51:47I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:51:58We're on our way to the club.
00:52:02Stupid is, stupid does.
00:52:05We're not even wrecking up.
00:52:09Get to me.
00:52:11Giddy up.
00:52:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:52:18Man down.
00:52:20Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:52:25Level up.
00:52:26I know I'm too well, just look real high
00:52:34I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:52:44We don't get pussy, get the boo
00:52:46I saw him sipping on dog food
00:52:48This always happens late at night
00:52:50Some guy comes up, says I'm his type
00:52:51I just threw up in my mouth when he just tried to ask me out
00:52:55Don't approach me, I just wanna dance with my face
00:52:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down
00:53:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:53:11I know I'm too well, just look real high
00:53:19I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:26I know I'm too well, just look real high
00:53:33I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:37I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:53:48I don't want your love, I just wanna fight
00:54:25Four things, thank you.
00:54:36Oh, Jane, look at you. Divorced, saggy, alone. What a sad little life, Jane.
00:54:46Fancy bra fitting?
00:54:49Um, sure. Yeah, I've actually lost a ton of weight.
00:54:53Oh, good for you.
00:54:54Due to immense stress. I have a bad life.
00:54:58I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I'm just going to do it around your top, okay?
00:55:01So, uh, here we go. We've got the middle. That's 38 inches, so, yeah, that's quite wide.
00:55:08And cup size, that's a B, so it's small.
00:55:13You're not happy with that?
00:55:15Oh, 38 B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size. Feels kind of schlubby.
00:55:21Oh.
00:55:22Would you like me to zhuzh?
00:55:25Huh?
00:55:27Zhuzh it up a bit for the surrounds.
00:55:30What does that mean?
00:55:31A zhuzh for the surrounds.
00:55:34Right, okay.
00:55:36So I come back in, and I zhuzh, right?
00:55:39I very loudly make a point of how big your bra size is.
00:55:43Lays out there don't know what you're really measured as.
00:55:47Wink, wink.
00:55:48Is that a British thing?
00:55:50It is a thing.
00:55:52Do you want to give it a go? It is a free service.
00:55:56Sure.
00:55:57Won't be long, ladies. I'm just doing a fitting.
00:55:59Oh, my goodness.
00:56:01Oh, my goodness.
00:56:02Wow.
00:56:03These are going to measure up nicely.
00:56:06So we're going to start with the width.
00:56:08Very petite.
00:56:10But your cup size is...
00:56:13Big?
00:56:13Big cup size, right?
00:56:15Oh, crikey.
00:56:17Yeah, they've got a real weight to them.
00:56:19Oh, fantastic.
00:56:21In fact, I'm surprised...
00:56:23You don't topple over.
00:56:24You don't topple over.
00:56:26With a great big rack like that, my bit.
00:56:29Oh, four.
00:56:31You nearly poked my eye out.
00:56:34Hey, you've heard of Pinocchio.
00:56:36Well, you're like that, but the nose is big, lovely bazoombas.
00:56:41Is that okay?
00:56:42Yeah, that's good.
00:56:44So, I'm happy to tell you.
00:56:46What size would you like, darling?
00:56:47Like, big, but keep it classy.
00:56:49Like, double D is good.
00:56:49Oh, no, we're going bigger than that.
00:56:52You're a gorgeous, petite and perky 28G.
00:56:58What an absolute pair.
00:57:01How's that feel?
00:57:03I feel amazing.
00:57:06Thank you so much, Miss...
00:57:08Juggs.
00:57:09They call me Juggs.
00:57:13Right.
00:57:14There you go.
00:57:17Put these back on the rack, Jackie.
00:57:20They were sold far too small for this customer's great big buzies.
00:57:26Lovely tits you got there, miss.
00:57:30Juggs, wait.
00:57:33Is there anything else that you could judge for me?
00:57:36Like, for the surrounds?
00:57:38My 2026 is kind of rough.
00:57:41Like, basically, I was responsible for editing this British film award ceremony.
00:57:49Let's just say I did not get it right.
00:57:53It's a judge for the surrounds, darling.
00:57:56Not for the soul.
00:57:58But you'll be all right with those great big wicked knockers.
00:58:04Uh, excuse me.
00:58:08Reggie, Jean-Page, what are you doing in the women's changing rooms?
00:58:12Oh, it's a long and sexy story.
00:58:16Listen, I don't usually do this, but can I buy you a drink?
00:58:19On the fifth floor, next to the baby clothes and electricals.
00:58:24Sure, I could do that.
00:58:29Thanks for changing my life.
00:58:35Tiny little kids.
00:58:37They were small.
00:58:38Those tricks were small.
00:58:4244 seconds with four hikers.
00:58:52What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:58:55What kind of Irish is your gramps?
00:58:59Is it this?
00:58:59Come here to me.
00:59:00Which one of you little garbs shows through a heap of films on my window?
00:59:03You've got to tell me.
00:59:04Because I know you're dying, I know you're dying, I know you're dying.
00:59:08What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:11Is it this?
00:59:12So that's a picture of me back in 82 on the 12th of the King William Lodge.
00:59:16And I think I want a ballad shirt and a death print.
00:59:18What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:21Is it this?
00:59:22I'll bring them round the back.
00:59:23I'll put four new shoes on and don't worry about it.
00:59:25If I'm a grand man full of shoes, I'll lift the shot of any man's back.
00:59:28Bastard.
00:59:29What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:31Is it this?
00:59:33What kind?
01:00:02well Nicola Coughlin from the dairy girls no it's I'm it's dairy girl it
01:00:09doesn't matter Nicola Coughlin none of this is real good night God bless love
01:00:27you
01:00:27my biggest
01:00:28thanks to
01:00:34thank you
01:00:36thank you
01:00:37and everyone for welcoming me here and making such a great week
01:00:42congratulations
01:00:44SNL UK
01:00:45boys
01:00:46congratulations
01:01:15thank you
01:01:17thank you
01:01:17thank you
01:01:18thank you
01:01:20thank you
01:01:25thank you
01:01:29thank you
01:01:31thank you
01:01:32thank you
01:01:35thank you
01:01:35thank you
01:01:35thank you
01:01:36thank you
01:01:36thank you
01:01:36thank you
01:01:36thank you
01:01:37thank you
01:01:38thank you
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