- 11 minutes ago
the young offenders s05e05
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00:10You
00:10Hear a lot of moms going on about who being a mom is like a real job, but how hard
00:15is it really?
00:18Okay, there's the pregnancy base
00:20Tony
00:22And then there's the bar, but that's just popping it out
00:26And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there
00:30And after all that you have a baby and you get months off work where you get free money for
00:35doing absolutely nothing
00:36Jesus Christ is eating my nipples red raw
00:39You could try bottle feeding him. Oh, yeah, and have everyone tell me I hate my baby. No, thanks
00:44The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam really bottle you
00:48Oh Christy, who's the pot?
00:50Who's taking the pot?
00:52What are we gonna do?
00:53There's nothing to be afraid of, okay?
00:55I'm just gonna tell her to calm down
00:57No, no, no, no, no
00:58Do you want to be killed?
01:00You can't tell a woman to calm down
01:01Well, how she got a lot of relaxed in
01:03Hey
01:04Where is the soup?
01:05It'll be over soon
01:06Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up
01:09It won't last forever
01:10Ma'am's bam?
01:11I thought she was dead
01:12Well, she's not dead
01:13She just left Maraid when she was a little girl
01:16Started a new family
01:19Who put water in the pot?
01:22Hey Maraid
01:23Hey Maraid
01:24Hey Conrad here
01:25I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment
01:29Yeah, and you're probably mad about that tough time
01:33Yeah
01:34But you think it would help a little if you just, if you just calmed the fuck down?
01:46They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage
01:50But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers
01:54But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger
01:58It would no good driving if it hit you in the face
02:01I can
02:03Now boy
02:04They have to fail a certain percentage boy
02:06Everybody knows that, it's just like a statistic thing boy
02:10No, it's fine
02:11You know what, I just want to go to bed
02:12I can't, we don't, we don't even need a driver's license to drive
02:15I know
02:18But I got it anyway
02:19Shut up Mike
02:20I got it
02:20Are you joking me boys?
02:22Jesus Christ
02:24That's like Killian Murphy with their acting
02:26That was my Oscar like
02:27When you get the Veshire round you know
02:29You're like the T-shirt or something
02:31Michael D Higgins
02:31Jesus
02:32The King of Ireland
02:33Boy we can get drive thrus now
02:35Drive thrus
02:36Drive thrus
02:37Drive thrus
02:38Holy shit car boy
02:40Oh
02:41Super
02:42Super
02:45Hey
02:46You deserve it my kid
02:49Here get your manky hands off them, they're not for ye
02:52Yes they are, it's my party
02:54How is it your party?
02:55It's my party because we passed the driving test
02:58We?
02:59Both of you did did ya?
03:00Well a guy was sitting on the seat with the wheel but he was in my head so it was
03:04like it was a giant effort like
03:05Exactly yeah, a rising tide lifts all the boats Maraid
03:08What are you on about?
03:09He's talking about tides, boats
03:11Rising tides
03:12Rises we all rise
03:13Yeah
03:14Alright well look
03:15Who's this party for so if it's not for your award winning son
03:18Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award winning
03:21It is for you boy
03:23And besides, it's Bridget's birthday
03:25Oh Bridget as in
03:26What's Bridget?
03:27Bridget as in your mime Bridget?
03:29I thought you hated your mime
03:30I do, she's a self centred witch
03:32She's a witch?
03:35Every time I look in the mirror I see half of her and I hate her so much I hate
03:39half myself
03:40But if she wants the best party ever that's what we're gonna throw her
03:43So you hate this woman so much that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your
03:48entire life
03:48I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say
03:51We've had parties before like it's not that hard
03:54Alright I'm off to pick up the witch
03:56We'll come with you
03:57No you are not
03:58No you are not
03:59No you are not
03:59You might get to drive the car by thinking about it but
04:02She's actually a witch of some kind
04:04Of some kind
04:07After all I really love you
04:11Love you
04:11Lads
04:14After all that we've been true
04:18Ho ho ho
04:20Daisy goodbye
04:21Lads shut up
04:22Hey
04:25Thank you
04:26We've had some crack in this car over the years haven't we
04:28Do you remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge
04:33And you thought we murdered a load of ducks
04:35With a hammer like
04:36That was so good
04:38Just a car job
04:39Ah come on though it's not though is it?
04:41It's more than that
04:41It's memories on wheels
04:43Do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy
04:46And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up
04:49Ah
04:50Alright like
04:51Can you believe that?
04:52The look on your face
04:54You were like
04:55What?
04:56I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that
04:59That's a good one
05:00Alright class
05:04Eh
05:05Right I think you're looking a little bit tired
05:07Tired?
05:08Piss off jock
05:08Stay to you
05:10You have a face like the first pancake
05:11You know the bad one that comes out all munted and shite so they have to throw it out
05:15Geez that's a bit below the belt no?
05:18I just thought that maybe you could eh
05:20Just do a little break from driving is all
05:22That will keep your thoughts to yourself
05:24I think he's just a bit worried you shouldn't be driving in your condition
05:28A condition?
05:29What condition is that?
05:30Arsehole ladies
05:31Ha ha
05:33Sorry man
05:34In all seriousness
05:36He's right like
05:37Yeah
05:37I don't think you at the moment have the mental capacity to focus on the road
05:41You know thinking about your mamma now that's serious stuff
05:44Do you know what might be a good?
05:46Thought experiment
05:47Thought experiment?
05:49Yeah
05:49Did you learn that from the prison therapist was it?
05:51No I'm not worried
05:53Imagine
05:53Alright
05:54That you've never met your mamma
05:56And you're just on your way now to just make a new friend
06:00So you can leave all the baggage at the door
06:05Are you serious?
06:07Man
06:07Hey
06:07Hey
06:11What the fuck
06:12What are you doing?
06:14That's obviously not what we meant
06:15Like
06:16I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car
06:18And she took off with a handbag full of freedom and selfishness
06:21So what?
06:22We're just your baggage
06:23Yes
06:23You are my baggage
06:24The type of baggage that has no value
06:26And I get stuck with it because nobody else wants it
06:29Look we forgive you
06:29You are as useful as a bag full of mickeys
06:31Soft mickeys at that
06:33Shush
06:33Shush
06:33Shush
06:34Shush
06:43Shush
06:43Well he should be sleeping
06:45I know that
06:46Mairead
06:46But he won't stay down
06:47Arrows
06:48No
06:49No
06:50Did you ask nicely?
06:51Airbag
06:52Seriously Mairead
06:53Not an airbag
06:54Shush
06:55I can't help from here
06:56Animals
06:57See the cows there animals
06:58No
07:00Healey
07:01What was that?
07:02I gotta go
07:03I don't know but give me a clue
07:05This is all around us
07:08This is all around us
07:10Come on boy use your brain
07:11Come on
07:12There's no more words beginning with A
07:13I don't know
07:14You only guessed like six of them
07:16I can't think under this pressure
07:18Healey
07:18You want me tell me?
07:19Tell me that's what I said tell me
07:20What are these?
07:22Air
07:24Air
07:24Air
07:25Air
07:25Tony
07:25But you can't see air
07:27Tony
07:27Of course you can boys
07:28It's all around us
07:30Yeah
07:30I can't see air right now can I?
07:32I can feel the air
07:33Healey what is going on?
07:34Will you answer me?
07:34You can feel the effects of air
07:36But you can't see air
07:37No no no no
07:37Air is see through
07:38You see through it
07:40Okay
07:40Then why don't you call this thing?
07:44Why don't you call that thing?
07:45No no no no
07:45That's not air
07:47That's like saying
07:47I spy with my little eye W
07:49I'm picking water vapor
07:50A bad workman
07:52Blames his tool
07:53Yeah
07:53I spy with my little eye
07:55Something became an A
07:55And an A and fuck
07:56I am surrounded by adult children
07:59Here
08:00Thank you
08:04I spy with my little eye
08:07An absolute ride
08:08Look at her
08:09What a kid
08:10She is like fine wine
08:12What?
08:13That's a bit of me though
08:13She's right up your street time
08:15She's stunning
08:15Is she hot man?
08:16Stop hitting on your granny
08:18Granny?
08:19Who's granny?
08:20She's right up your street
08:21No no no no
08:22No no no no
08:23That was granny
08:25That was granny
08:25She's not hot at all
08:26But she's monkey
08:28Bridget
08:29Call me mum
08:30Oh
08:31That's the witch
08:34Oh
08:36Look at those muscles
08:38You go to the gym or what?
08:40No boy
08:41My mum said I was actually born with a six pack
08:43Yeah all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital and all
08:46Yeah
08:46Looks like a washboard to me
08:48Yeah well he's full of shit all right
08:49Why I swear to god
08:50I was almost in the paper but I got bumped because they found a missing girl
08:53Yeah all right Jack as if Jack
08:55Be nice
08:56Handsome lad like him he's gonna make a lot of money
08:59Doing what?
09:00Being an escort
09:01Connor
09:01That is disgusting
09:03Of course
09:04It's just science
09:05Good looking lads make more money
09:08He wasn't even top five best looking people in our school
09:10Jailis
09:11Relax
09:11Oh yeah
09:12Relax
09:13It's okay
09:14Rides only hang out with rides
09:19It reflects well on you too
09:22Who says that?
09:23Everybody
09:24Isn't that right Moraine?
09:27That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends
09:30Weren't enough other middling children
09:33You're only middling Moraine
09:35Woo
09:36We are done here
09:37Jack is too young for you it's disgusting
09:39He's basically like your grandson
09:40No not by blood
09:42Ah she's got a point there
09:43I mean
09:44It wouldn't be illegal now would it?
09:46No but that doesn't make it right
09:47Yeah
09:47It's still messed up all rightly
09:50Spiritually
09:50Yeah
09:51Spiritually
09:52So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once
09:59Over this way my lady
10:01Sit inside down on yourself
10:02Enough
10:03That is a gorgeous Jack yes
10:05Thank you
10:06I'm gonna be your grandad boy
10:08I'm not gonna be my grandad
10:09I'm not calling you grandad
10:11I'm not grandad
10:12I'm not grandad
10:14I'm not grandad
10:16I'm not grandad
10:16I'm not grandad
10:17I'm not grandad
10:20No no
10:21What are you doing?
10:36So
10:37How have you been anyway?
10:39Fine
10:39No thanks to you
10:42It's a fine day for a drive isn't it?
10:45Yeah. Yeah, beautiful blue skies, isn't it? Brilliant.
10:49God, he's the dead spit of your father.
10:53You barely knew, Dad. You couldn't pick him out of a line-up.
10:55I stayed around long enough to have you, didn't I? What more do you want?
10:59Oh, no, no. That's plenty. Thank you very much.
11:02Thank you so much for having me and then abandoning me.
11:05Boy, I think we should block our heroes or something. This feels sort of private, no?
11:10I didn't abandon you, for heaven's sakes. I had to leave.
11:14Well, you seem to do fine with that other family.
11:16Where are they now, anyway? Why aren't you bothering them for your birthday?
11:19I wanted to meet Neil. His name's Noel.
11:23Oh. Noel, Neil, whatever. He's still my grandson.
11:29Also, I don't speak to the others. We fell out.
11:33What? I stayed around for a bit.
11:36But then the Boomtown Rats went on tour.
11:41You toured with them?
11:42I followed them around, yeah.
11:45What? That is sick.
11:48Anyway, I wasn't meant to be a mother.
11:51Honestly, it's a shit job.
11:54No, that's what I say, too.
11:56I always say, be a dad much easier, more fun.
11:59Well said.
12:04What now?
12:05He took a shit in the bath.
12:06And?
12:07I didn't even know that was a thing.
12:10Oh, he's pissing on me now already. He's pissing on me.
12:13Grow up and deal with it, alright? He's your kid, too.
12:19Is she always this moody?
12:22I'll answer this one.
12:24Yes.
12:25I even got my driver's licence and she won't let me behind the wheels.
12:28Can you believe that?
12:29Yeah.
12:29Even despite our condition.
12:31I don't have a condition.
12:32Or so light.
12:34Exactly, that's it.
12:36That's what I said you had, ma'am.
12:38Gosh, she is a witch.
12:39Can you believe this?
12:44You're like a cat that's lived a thousand lives.
12:46A thousand rides, more like.
12:48Well, Van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time.
12:52Van Morrison.
12:54I used to babysit him.
12:55I've heard of you.
12:56You're full of shit, you know that.
12:57Van Morrison is older than you.
12:58You couldn't babysit him.
12:59Brown-eyed girl.
13:00That one's about me.
13:01You have blue eyes.
13:03For a sec.
13:05It's alright to smoke in here.
13:07What?
13:07No.
13:08No, I quit smoking.
13:09Boys.
13:10Oh, yeah.
13:11Go any further and ye will be walking home.
13:13Man, that is so unfair.
13:17Yeah, Maureen, you never told us your man was such a legend.
13:19Yeah, she's like a proper lad.
13:21Like, not a small one, like, a big one, like.
13:24Massive one.
13:24Yeah, well, you didn't grow up with her.
13:25Yeah, well, yeah.
13:26Neither did you.
13:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:30Alright, ma'am, relax, like.
13:32I was only making a good pint.
13:34She's hot too.
13:34Yoo-hoo!
13:36This is Killian.
13:39He's looking for a ride.
13:41And I said we have room.
13:44Absolutely not.
13:45Oh, come on.
13:46Share and share alike.
13:47No offence, like, but don't you think he looks a bit like a murderer?
13:51It's silly.
13:54Just wanting my address.
13:56Do you, Killian?
13:58No, it's hard.
13:59Mm-hmm.
14:00See?
14:02Wait, was that a yes or a no?
14:04Well, he's hit a yes, but his mouth said no.
14:06Look, there's no room.
14:07Fine.
14:08But if you're not going to let my new friend come, then you're going to have to let Connor drive.
14:16We all have to make compromises.
14:20Fine, Connor can drive.
14:22Holy shit.
14:23All right, just remember what I taught you, what we talked about, right? You'd like to give.
14:28I'll never forget you.
14:31No, no, no, not that way. No, no, that way.
14:35Ten and two. Ten and two.
14:40Nice family.
14:41Then there was a time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses.
14:46I did need glasses, all right? I couldn't see the blackboard.
14:50I said to her,
14:52come here. Do you see that moon up there?
14:56I said, that moon is 400,000 miles away.
15:00It's fuck all wrong with your eyesight.
15:04Ten and two, okay?
15:05You keep saying that, but I don't know what that means.
15:07Like a clock, okay?
15:09Hands at ten and two.
15:10The clock's on my phone, so that doesn't make any sense.
15:13Let the toy just do it his way.
15:15It's my son, okay? I'll handle it how I like.
15:17I'm just trying to help.
15:19Okay, thanks, but don't.
15:20Can you just sit back?
15:21Sit, don't.
15:22Will you just sit back, all right?
15:24Get out of the way!
15:25Ah!
15:30Ah, shit.
15:33Ah, thank God he's breathing.
15:37Hey, we could do CPR.
15:40Oh, come on!
15:42Oh, Jesus Christ.
15:44You're an animal.
15:45Sorry, like it was the humane thing to do, con.
15:48Sorry, sorry, boy, sorry.
15:50Somebody put me out of my misery.
15:52We can't just leave him here.
15:53We need to give him a proper burial.
15:55Oh, you're so emotional.
15:58You're definitely your mother's child.
16:00Ha, ha, ha, ha.
16:02Psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh, psh.
16:04Ah.
16:06Mummy's brain fell out.
16:13So, we're gathered here today to celebrate the life of Rabbit De Niro.
16:18He's gone, but was certainly not forgotten.
16:22Would anyone like to say a few words?
16:26Listen, when I go, keep these two boys away from me with their tears,
16:32dancing and drinking.
16:34That's the way you're supposed to send someone off.
16:37I'll be in the car having a fag
16:40or doing anything other than this.
16:48I didn't know you too well, Robert De Niro.
16:52I know you like carrots, hopping around and shagging.
17:00Rabbits love shagging.
17:02I once saw a rabbit looking out a fox.
17:06I'm sorry for what I did to you.
17:11Gone but not forgotten.
17:16It's good.
17:17Oh, Danny boy.
17:20The pipes, the pipes are calling.
17:27From glen to glen
17:29And down the mountainside
17:35The summer's gone
17:37And I was a rose to the rain
17:42And I was a rose to the rain
17:43And I was a rose to the rain
18:08You're too soft on your kids.
18:10They don't grow up.
18:11Mm-hmm.
18:12That what you were doing with me, is it?
18:14Forcing me to grow up.
18:16I think I was a bit young for that, don't you?
18:18I'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff.
18:22You had more than I ever had.
18:24You don't see me complaining.
18:25All you do is complain.
18:26You complain about being a mother.
18:28No, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
18:30Yeah, well I do, okay?
18:31You at least told me that.
18:32I gave you life.
18:35I was sick every day for nine months
18:38Cooking you inside me.
18:39What more do you want?
18:42A mother.
18:44Oh.
18:45Don't be so dramatic.
18:47Dramatic?
18:49You abandoned me.
18:50You took the easy way out.
18:52I didn't want a kid.
18:54Breathe, breathe.
18:55Yeah, but I didn't bail on him, did I?
18:57Well, somehow it's always about you.
19:00And it's my birthday.
19:03It is never about me.
19:05It's literally never about me.
19:06I wish for just once it was about me.
19:08Your yelling is exhausting me.
19:11I'm going to have a nap.
19:13Have your nap.
19:15Hope you don't wake up.
19:21I, um...
19:22I might try for a nap too.
19:31No, please.
19:32Come on, man.
19:32I'm trying to do it here, alright?
19:36Just give me a second, right?
19:40Come on.
19:41Come on.
19:43Part time.
19:44No, please.
19:45Come on, man.
19:47I'm trying to do it here, alright?
19:50Just give me a second, right?
19:50Just give me a second, right?
19:52Come on.
19:53Come on.
19:54Part time.
19:54Ah, my God.
19:54Eat your eats.
19:56It's part the time.
20:05Hello.
20:07Are we glad to see you?
20:09How was it?
20:10Fine.
20:11She's still asleep in the car.
20:12Probably a drunken crumbling.
20:13Come on.
20:17How is she?
20:18I'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life,
20:20so how would I know?
20:20Alright, boy.
20:36Bridget.
20:37Sleepy head.
20:39Wakey, wakey.
20:40Rise and shine.
20:42Uh, Bridget.
20:48Bridget, I'm Tony.
20:49Oh, Jesus.
20:50Uh, uh, okay.
20:51Okay, don't panic.
20:53Don't panic.
20:53Uh, pulse.
20:54Um.
20:55Oh, shit, okay.
20:56No pulse.
20:57Maureen!
20:58Maureen!
21:00Maureen!
21:00Come quick!
21:02She's done this on purpose.
21:03We shouldn't be doing this.
21:05We should be informing the guards.
21:06You are the guards.
21:07Consider yourself informed.
21:08Well, keep her legs up, will you?
21:09Oh, God, she's heavy.
21:12Oh, I must be heavy.
21:14Oh, God.
21:19Do you think I should give her a hug?
21:22The hug's not gonna bring her back to life, boy, is it?
21:25No, Jack.
21:26Not her.
21:28The other one.
21:32The funeral home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow.
21:38What?
21:38So, like, she's just staying tonight here?
21:40Yeah.
21:41Why?
21:42Do you think we'll get to eat the dinner?
21:44We have some respect, but your mum's mum is dead.
21:47Why, I'm starving.
21:48I'd be the one dead if we want to eat soon.
21:50You know, I can hear you two idiots.
21:53Our hands are up.
21:54Yeah.
21:57We should eat.
21:58We promised her we'd throw her the best party we could, so that's what we're gonna do.
22:01Love, I think you might still be in shock.
22:03She's not gonna ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die.
22:07One question.
22:08Does she still have a soul?
22:10Yeah.
22:12Or is that Daddy's wife?
22:17Is it why this is good stuff?
22:19Oh, it's so bad, you know.
22:21Yeah.
22:22Except for the prick garden stuff.
22:24Yeah.
22:24Except for that.
22:28This isn't right.
22:29It's too much salt.
22:31No.
22:33She's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party.
22:41Why did I have to be the one sat next to her?
22:45But I'm not doing that.
22:47That's creepy, but...
22:56A toast.
22:58To the old witch.
22:59To the old witch!
23:02Curious.
23:06Ready, do you want to?
23:07On my way and go.
23:10On my way and go.
23:12Yeah.
23:15Yeah.
23:15When I passed you in the doorway.
23:19Well, you took me with a glance.
23:23I should have took that last one's home.
23:26But I asked you for a dance.
23:29Now we go steady to the pictures.
23:32I always get chocolate stains on my pants.
23:36And my father, he's going crazy.
23:39He says I'm living in a trance.
23:42But I'm dancing in the moonlight.
23:45It's cat me in its spotlight.
23:48It's alright.
23:49Dancing in the moonlight.
23:49It will definitely be a legal note.
23:51On this long, hot summer night.
24:07Happy birthday, ma'am.
24:10I threw this party for you.
24:11I hope you liked us.
24:15I don't know why I did, you wouldn't have done it for me.
24:19You never did anything for me.
24:23But I had Connor, I was all alone.
24:25And you weren't there for me.
24:29All I needed was someone to talk to.
24:31And tell me everything was going to be alright.
24:38It's all I needed and you weren't there for me.
24:42And I miss my ma'am.
24:44And I love my ma'am.
24:47Can I just wish you loved me back?
24:57I'm so sorry I was a shit ma'am.
24:59Oh no, don't say that.
25:02I was scared and I was young.
25:06I love you so much, I'd never have it any other way, you know that.
25:12You did your best, ma'am.
25:14You always did your best.
25:18And you know what, in some way, I'd say she did too.
25:27I was better than her though, wasn't I?
25:30Oh yeah, way better.
25:34To Bridget.
25:35To Bridget.
25:39And to Marie.
25:41Yeah.
25:43To Marie.
25:46Oh.
25:56You always know I wasn't about to sparkle.
26:00I know, wait, wait, wait.
26:02Let Healy get it.
26:07Even the bomb going off wouldn't like that, man.
26:09One thing about being a man, is that once you are one, it never ends.
26:14And a job that never ends, that's gotta be the toughest job in the world.
26:19Right.
26:20Say Granny.
26:21So just maybe, we should give all mothers a break.
26:25Because even the ones that do jump ship, they've already done more work than any man.
26:30They deserve a rest.
26:32Rest in peace, Granny Bridget.
27:01And to be safe.
27:03We will all be right back.
27:03You
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