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the young offenders s05e03
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00:06There was an old wise man who I met in prison.
00:09Well, he couldn't be that wise because he was in prison.
00:11But he warned me that the hardest thing about being locked up
00:14isn't the thought of where you are,
00:16it's the thought of where you're not.
00:18It's knowing that life outside is continuing on without you.
00:21And that the girl of your dreams
00:22is now the girl of some other prick's dreams.
00:25Linda is getting married to Gavin fucking Madigan.
00:30But, after a lot of soul-searching,
00:32I decided that I was going to be the bigger man.
00:35For better or worse,
00:36she was going to stay completely loyal and faithful to him
00:39for the rest of their entire life.
00:47Jesus, right?
00:48Looking good, kid.
00:49I hope it lashes rain on the way to the wedding
00:52and that the whole place is flooded.
00:54Oh, yeah, well, you see what you're saying.
00:56And then Gavin's driving along and his tire hits a puddle
00:59and he acoplates and he crashes
01:01and he's paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life
01:03and he's to talk using one of those machines.
01:05Oh, I'm Gavin Madigan and his life skimmy, too.
01:10Jesus, boy.
01:11Is that a little bit dark, no?
01:13Oh, sorry.
01:14I thought that was the direction we were going.
01:16I hope he doesn't die, like,
01:17just gets bruised up a bit.
01:19Yeah, throw the suits on.
01:20Yeah.
01:20Yeah, I got it.
01:21What?
01:25Oh, look at you.
01:27Don't you look lovely.
01:29Oh, I need a hug.
01:32What's this?
01:32Oh, Conor, for God's sake.
01:34They must have forgotten to take the tag off in the shop.
01:38We bought it in.
01:39You're on probation.
01:40Do you want to go back to jail?
01:41No.
01:44What'll we do?
01:45Go on, get the good scissors quickly.
01:53Do you think it's a good idea you go into this wedding today?
01:55Linda invited me, like, so...
01:57Look, Conor, I know this is hard to hear, but...
02:00you will find your someone.
02:02What if I've already found my someone,
02:05but I'm not her someone?
02:11What's this, stolen goods?
02:12Jesus Christ, Tony, can you not be a guard for one day in your life?
02:15Mom and Healy were in that phase of their relationship all couples go through.
02:19Oh, I'll just go and see to Noel, so will I?
02:21The hating each other phase.
02:23Do you know what?
02:23That would be lovely.
02:24Because he probably wouldn't even recognise you at the moment.
02:27Healy was working a lot of triple overtime
02:28to pay for nappies and nipple cream.
02:30All right, I'll just turn a blind eye to whatever it is
02:33I'm supposed to be turning a blind eye to, so will I?
02:35Jesus Christ.
02:36But deep down, love was still in the air.
02:39Wanker.
02:42Try that.
02:46All right, thanks, Leigh's bag.
02:48No, no, no, wait, uh, Claire, sit down a second.
02:52Um...
02:52What, what?
02:53Nothing, just...
03:02You didn't notice a bit?
03:03Eh, you'd have to be really looking for it.
03:06Here, they're after leaving the security tag on the blazer.
03:10God's sake, they ought to doing the same to mine, Jack.
03:13That is something else, no.
03:14Hand it over, Jack.
03:15Thanks for me and my red.
03:16Cheers.
03:17Um, here, I've got to head over to Siobhan's there.
03:19I want to see, eh, I want to see Starr in the flower girl costume.
03:22Is this one of your unsupervised access days?
03:25Eh, no, but...
03:26something tells me, eh,
03:28Siobhan won't be ringing her solicitor today.
03:30Eh, well, you know what they say about weddings.
03:33No.
03:34Oh, they make, make women horny, like.
03:37It's like they do nothing for me.
03:39Oh, fierce horny, Mireille.
03:41Yeah.
03:41If I'm going to get back with Siobhan, this is, this is my big chance, like.
03:44So, so wish me luck, yeah?
03:45All right, Jack.
03:46Go ahead.
03:46Good luck.
03:47Thanks.
03:48It's a randy day.
04:08Morning, girl.
04:10Dad, will you take in the train?
04:12Hey, you're going to wave the train.
04:14Morning.
04:15Jeez.
04:17You need to go now.
04:18I, I, I, I have them, I have them.
04:22I'm just, uh...
04:24Shit.
04:24You can't go down there.
04:26You have to go through the window.
04:27The window?
04:28Yeah.
04:29Are you having that?
04:31What's wrong with the floor?
04:33Like, I'm not...
04:33Okay, I'm going.
04:35Shit.
04:35Just go.
04:36Just go.
04:38Damn fucker, Lee.
04:39Don't you have to...
04:40Shit.
04:45Nice and nice, the painter, mate.
04:47Yeah, but I'm telling you.
04:48Are you sure?
04:49What do you mean by?
04:50Should I know...
04:50I know his arse as well as I know my own face?
04:54Handsome once posed for an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
04:56The billboard company went bust,
04:58which meant the poster stayed up for three years
05:00and became one of Cork's biggest tourist attractions.
05:04Fair play to her, Lee.
05:05What are you on about, Con?
05:06His name is Handsome Dan, Jack.
05:09He's gorgeous.
05:10Oi, you're not getting what I'm telling you.
05:12Right.
05:12If she's shagging Handsome Dan the night before her wedding,
05:15it means she obviously doesn't want to marry Gavin Madigan.
05:17It's a proxy ride.
05:20Proxy ride?
05:21A proxy ride, okay?
05:23Yeah, sure.
05:24She might have gotten up on Dan,
05:25but she was thinking about you, by the whole time.
05:28Wait, so...
05:32She's thinking about me.
05:33Yes, you, boy.
05:34She's still in love with you.
05:36This was going to be my last chance to win Linda back.
05:39And what's more of a romantic place to do it
05:41than a wedding?
05:42Her wedding.
05:43Half a sausage just to left your fork there, aren't I?
05:46Right, this sausage is going to sort me out now.
05:50She's sick.
05:51I'm done.
05:52Bart, take it away from me.
05:53Whoa!
05:55Why do you have that?
05:57It's to take your Auntie Linda into her dress.
05:59Don't want her tits spilling over when she's saying her I do's.
06:01Okay, girls, 40 minutes and we head to the church, yeah?
06:04But we're not going to the church, remember?
06:06You know what I mean.
06:07It's a great idea, Gavin,
06:08to have the wedding in the place where you two first met.
06:11He's too tight to spend his own money, is what he's saying.
06:13Well, I think it's mad romantic.
06:15Let's try and get him even.
06:18I don't want one in for mine.
06:19The other one in Charleville.
06:23Yeah.
06:23I don't want one in for you.
06:23Come on.
06:25I don't want one in for you.
06:27All right.
06:28Yeah.
06:29Find him.
06:43You all right there, lads, yeah?
06:45I know.
06:46I have a question for you.
06:48Conor has a question, um, yeah, Conor has a, I just want to ask, did you have sex with Linda
06:55Walsh last night at the inn?
06:57Yeah, come on now, lads.
06:58Know yourselves, a gentleman never tells.
07:01Yeah, but if you did sleep with her, I just want you to know she was probably thinking of someone
07:05else the whole time.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Now that you say it, she actually did keep, uh, shouting out some other lads name the whole night.
07:12Well, you should have heard her.
07:13She was all, oh, oh, Jesus Christ.
07:18Oh, Jesus Christ.
07:20Oh, Jesus Christ.
07:22Look, whatever happened between you and Linda, all right, she's still in love with kind, all right, and now she's
07:27going to marry some other fella.
07:28All right, cool.
07:30So what's up with me, like?
07:30We want you to come to the wedding and tell Gavin Madigan that you slept with Linda.
07:34What, humiliate her?
07:36Yeah.
07:36It's one of all of her friends and family?
07:38Yeah.
07:38If you don't mind.
07:40Do you, we should be ashamed of yourselves.
07:41Yeah.
07:42Ah, the answer's no.
07:43Get lost.
07:45I hate to admit it, but maybe Hanson was right.
07:49He was more than just a six-pack and a cute ass.
07:52Can all wedding guests please be seated in the assembly hall?
07:57I was getting married at a school.
08:00Cheapest thing I ever heard in my life.
08:01So a garb of Madigan.
08:03It was time to bow out gracefully.
08:09So the better man won in the end, huh?
08:11It's not a competition, Lee.
08:12Of course it was a competition.
08:14And I wiped your eye for you.
08:18A wedding doesn't count if it's in a school.
08:21I think that's actually true, you know.
08:23Would you look at the state of them?
08:27Would you stop being such a snob?
08:30It's amazing what you can find in a charity shop if you're not fussy.
08:34One sec.
08:38I'd like your hat.
08:43Siobhan would like you to sit next to her for the mass.
08:46Really?
08:48What about...
08:49Don't mind what Barry thinks.
08:51As Linda said, you're Star's daddy, which makes you family.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Ah, thanks.
08:58Man, all right, Khan?
09:00Smile wouldn't kill you.
09:02I thought you'd have horny day.
09:11The rumour is this could be Father Rooney's last mass.
09:14Supposed to be going through a crisis of faith.
09:17Yeah.
09:18Everything all right, Linda?
09:20Yeah.
09:21You're not thinking of jilting him at the altar, are you?
09:24It's just, you know, the reception's after costing me a fortune.
09:27Dad!
09:27It was a joke.
09:31He's a good man, Linda.
09:34Solid, you know?
09:35And the best thing about marrying a teacher, as your mother knows well, you can't be sacked.
09:40No matter how bad you are at your job.
09:43You know the way you love them spring rolls from the paddy field above the bishops town?
09:47Yeah.
09:48Well, there's nothing wrong with not wanting those spring rolls every night for the rest of your life.
09:52What?
09:53And you've lost us.
09:54Last night?
09:56You fancied the spring rolls from Walk This Way and Toker.
09:59And there's no shame in that.
10:02I'm gonna be sick.
10:04I'm gonna get sick.
10:10Siobhan, the caterer said the money is non-refundable.
10:13Piss off, guys!
10:16I'm good.
10:17I'm good.
10:19I'm fine.
10:21I'm fine.
10:22I'm fine.
10:22I'm fine.
10:24Oi.
10:25Try to control yourself when we're saying the vows.
10:28The last thing we need on video is to sound you blubbing your eyes out.
10:32Billy thinks weddings are like funerals.
10:34You can just turn up, pay your respects, and get free booze and sandwiches.
10:40Billy.
10:41Why do you let him talk to you like that?
10:43I'm not letting him.
10:45It's his day, alright?
10:47Like he said, he won.
10:49Won?
10:49Is that what this is all about?
10:51Winning?
10:52I thought it was about love.
10:54Do you still love her?
10:55Of course I love her.
10:57But she doesn't love him.
11:00Why, she slept with handsome Dan Fogarty at the hen last night.
11:03She didn't want him.
11:06Look, as much as I love a good volavon, I think we're going to have to cancel this wedding.
11:11And how do you suppose we'll do that, Billy?
11:13I suppose we could drag handsome Dan in here and he can confess in front of the whole congregation.
11:18I tried that.
11:19He said no.
11:19I asked.
11:20That's your big mistake.
11:21You asked him.
11:24Oh, are you okay?
11:26No, Billy.
11:27I'm really sad.
11:28Okay.
11:31God, he is so intense.
11:33I just don't want to hurt Gavin's feelings.
11:35That's the worst reason to get married.
11:38Especially when it's stopping you from getting what your heart really wants.
11:41He's a good person, Siobhan.
11:42If he's a good person, he'll understand that you want to go back to your first love.
11:49You heard what Dad said.
11:51Everything is paid for now.
11:53Sir, are you ready to be a flower girl?
11:56Yay!
12:11We would have been on time if you hadn't stopped at every orange light.
12:15Our time were here before the bride.
12:17Oh, yeah.
12:17No, thanks to you.
12:20I can't believe we got overtaken by a mobility scooter.
12:22Could you maybe stop him crying?
12:24Oh, but I switch him to flight mode, will I?
12:26Just take him outside.
12:27Maybe you should take him outside.
12:29Oh, Jesus.
12:39In you, Pop.
12:41Please, one.
12:42Look, I'm not going to hurt you.
12:44Fingers crossed.
12:46I'm just going to bring you to this wedding,
12:48and you're going to tell everyone how you rode the bride last night.
12:51All right, just mind my ass going in as the money make, all right?
12:53Ah, you're not claustrophobic, yeah?
12:57No.
12:58No?
12:58You might be after this.
13:02Do you notice they all have the same tash?
13:06Yeah.
13:06Directed three musketeers, except there's four.
13:10They're always coming.
13:14Can we have a quick chat?
13:16A quick chat?
13:18A book of work?
13:21Somewhere in private.
13:38Listen, I want to say I'm sorry for being such an asshole to you just now.
13:45Is this some sort of joke, like?
13:47I was standing on the altar, and it dawned on me that I should be thanking you.
13:53For why?
13:56Because you'll be something I'll never be.
13:59It's Linda's first love.
14:02And you know, she said to me,
14:05she wouldn't have fell in love with me
14:07if you didn't teach her to love in the first place.
14:10Linda said that?
14:13Would you do me a favor?
14:17Would you do the readings for us?
14:21I know I mean a lot to Linda.
14:27Garvin.
14:29The whole thing.
14:31Oh, Christ.
14:33For the second time that day,
14:34I realised that humiliating Linda in front of her family and friends
14:38might not be the right thing to do.
14:40Billy, I changed my mind.
14:42I changed my mind.
14:45Careful now, I don't want to hurt you.
14:47Whoa, here we go.
14:51I tell you something.
14:52You're going to get your steps in today.
15:05That's a really long car.
15:10What's that about?
15:12It's great.
15:14She's here.
15:17It's going to be okay.
15:19Sure.
15:23Oh, Jesus Christ.
15:34And remember,
15:35the least any of us deserve is to be happy.
15:38Thanks, Ron.
15:42Right.
15:43Come on.
15:50Okay.
15:55Are they going to do community like this?
15:57Huh?
15:58What?
15:59Wait.
16:01I'm hungry.
16:02Be here.
16:02First love stays with you forever, forever, forever.
16:06First love stays with you forever, forever.
16:08Oh, so great.
16:11I'll beat like an earthly tremor forever, ever.
16:15First love stays with you forever, forever.
16:18Be here.
16:25I don't need you.
16:28The way to school I tried to meet you
16:33Your father used to drop you up
16:37You'd step out of red car, Tina
16:41Thanks, Dad
16:42You look so pretty on those winter mornings
16:46First love stands with you forever
16:49I know you're not used to me giving you advice
16:54But you found your someone
16:58I don't want you to mess it up like I did
17:00You should go get him
17:07Not now
17:12We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of
17:15Gavin Madigan
17:17Linda
17:19Walsh
17:20Yeah, first reading
17:21Who is for the first reading?
17:26First reading, thank you
17:29Conor
17:30Is it Conor?
17:31Are we Conor?
17:33Are you the first reading?
17:35Are we the first?
17:35Yeah, stand up
17:36All right, and then
17:37Come on
17:37Come on
17:39What's he?
17:40Here he is
17:40Very good
17:41Yeah
17:43Lovely
17:46What?
17:47Yeah
17:51Sorry, I'm not going to read the whole thing
17:58I'm not going to read the whole thing
17:58Linda said you have a mickey on you like a pocket of polos
18:07And can you please get a move on I'm playing golf at three
18:11Public speaking isn't my strong point but I was going to nail this for Linda
18:15The first reading
18:17A reading from a book of, or sorry, the book
18:22What's wrong with you?
18:23Come on, Guy
18:24You can't read, is it?
18:25I can read, I'm just a bit dyslexic
18:27Well, just make it up and say anything
18:32Do I speak with the tongues of men and of angels?
18:39Angels
18:40Oh, eh, ain't that angels
18:44Hey, but have not love
18:45I have become brass
18:51And a resounding gong
18:54He's a resounding gong all right
19:03Gavin
19:04Gavin
19:04What?
19:06Linda, I'm sorry
19:08I wanted to be happy for Linda
19:10But I can get a bit hormonal at weddings
19:12And it has a tendency to mess with my decision making process
19:15But fuck it
19:16Back to the old plan
19:23Hello
19:23Hello
19:24Connor
19:25Billy
19:26I changed my mind again
19:28Okay
19:30Operation
19:30Handsome
19:31Hand Grenade
19:32Is a go-go
19:33Go ahead
19:34Every other hour
19:35That I spend
19:36With you
19:37Is not the least
19:37It's sad
19:39But the opposite
19:40In fact
19:41And if you don't believe me
19:42Is the proof
19:43Ask me if I
19:44And they'll say I
19:45I do
19:47Dan
19:47Dan
19:48Dan
19:49Change your plan
19:50Mind your head
19:52Oh my god
19:53And now before Gavin and Linda make their solemn commitment to each other
19:57And they've written their own vows
19:59Which they're now going to recite to each other
20:02To mine on my phone
20:03Brilliant
20:06Shit
20:07What?
20:08It's asking for a software update
20:10I'm after saying yes
20:12Why didn't you just print them out?
20:13I don't know
20:14You're the one always saying we're living in a paperless world
20:18Do you not like I don't know
20:20Remember them?
20:22Three guesses as to who's singing this
20:25I don't know
20:26August
20:26No
20:27Your ma
20:28No
20:29Go on have another guess
20:31Is it Daniel actually?
20:32Gilbert O'Sullivan
20:33He's actually from Waterford
20:36What could it be?
20:38Woo
20:39That's matrimony
20:42It won't take long
20:45Look it's
20:46It's initialising
20:51Where's Billy?
20:54Look at this prick with ears
20:57There's nobody on the road
21:01Look
21:02Come here
21:03I've got somewhere I've got to be
21:05Chop chop
21:06Alright lad
21:06I'm only messing with you
21:08Go on
21:08Go ahead
21:09In your own time
21:15I'm sorry about this
21:16It took me hours to write them
21:19And there's a little bit of something in there for everyone
21:22Cries
21:24Laughters
21:24Is there a car chase as there?
21:26Well we're all on tender hooks
21:28I'm sure
21:29It's 80%
21:31You'll be cutting the cake when we get there
21:33Shut up you
21:35Steve McQueen
21:37Fuck
21:39Right
21:39Tell your therapist I said hello
21:42What's happening Shakespeare?
21:44It's the wheel of death
21:46I think it's frozen
21:47We're gonna leave the vows
21:49Well that's ruined everyone's day I'm sure
21:51Right let's zip through this
21:53That's right
21:54Gavin, Jimmy Barry, Madigan
21:56Do you take Linda Anastasia Walsh
21:58Be your lawfully wedded wife
21:59Sickness and health
22:00Up and down
22:01Death be apart
22:01I do
22:02Great
22:02Linda do you take Gavin
22:04Lawfully wedded husband
22:05Sickness and health
22:05Rest your days
22:11I
22:12I
22:13I
22:14Say yes
22:16Stop this travesty
22:19I don't know
22:35Yeah
22:35And he's got something to tell you
22:37Wait
22:38Wait
22:38Wait
22:39Wait
22:42Diane
22:42You can go home
22:44Cool
22:44Yeah
22:44But I brought him for you Con
22:46Are you the fella from the poster?
22:48What is he doing here?
22:49He had sex with the bride last night
22:53He what?
22:53Fuck
22:56No he didn't
22:57Sure how could he?
22:59He was with me
23:00All night
23:03Playing cards
23:04Like
23:04Yeah
23:05You don't have to lie for me Con
23:08I'm so sorry Kevin
23:10Was it the full ride?
23:12Cause I'm over the brach and I can forgive
23:14I don't want your forgiveness
23:17I
23:18I don't want to marry you
23:23I thought I did
23:25But then I realised I wasn't being true to myself
23:28And what I want more than anything
23:29In this whole world
23:32Is to be with my first true love
23:36I'm not talking about that fucking lang ball are you?
23:39I am
23:41Dolphins
23:43Dolphins?
23:44Yeah
23:45I want to go to UCC and study marine science
23:48Thought you were going to say me there Linda
23:50Then I'm going to work with an NGO and clairs all the plastic
23:53From the Pacific Ocean
23:54You really thought you were going to say me?
23:56I'm sorry
23:57To both of you
23:59But you were holding me back
24:02Did anyone else think she was going to say me?
24:05Ah right
24:05Well I'm teeing off at 3.30
24:07Good luck
24:10Sorry
24:12Are you sure love?
24:15Well
24:17Is the software update finished?
24:20You shouldn't even worry about the nice things that I had to say
24:22Cause
24:24It would be wasted on someone like you
24:28They were all wrote by ChatGPT anyway
24:38Hey
24:39Hey
24:39Hey
24:46Look I know you've been working really hard and I
24:49Yeah
24:49To provide for our child's future
24:50I know but I'm saying you don't have to
24:53I've already raised a son
24:54I did it by myself
24:55Without a penny to my name
24:57He turned out alright didn't he?
24:58Yeah
24:58Is that the one who's just done three years in prison?
25:01Eh
25:01That's a fair point
25:05Look all I'm saying is
25:06What kind of future is our little boy going to have
25:08If his mother and father are strangers to each other?
25:12Yeah I suppose it is a bit early to start thinking about which college to send him to
25:19Keep him alive, show him love, that's the job
25:21Everything else you just make up as you go along
25:32Are we going to this wedding then?
25:34Oh the wedding's off
25:36It's off?
25:38Long story
25:41Maybe you and me could go home while he's asleep
25:46Guess it's true what they say about weddings
25:54Huh?
25:59This is your fucking fault
26:01Oh yeah?
26:01Who's my fault?
26:02The only one that told Billy to find an answer to the church
26:04To the church?
26:05Boy that's hardly a church
26:06I thought you were too stingy to have a real wedding
26:08But he was out of your league anyway
26:11I love you Linda
26:12I love you more
26:13I love you Linda
26:15I love you more
26:18Out of his league is it?
26:19Well it's true
26:20He's not a good job in his apartment and pensionable
26:23We pay for half of this wedding alright?
26:25Oh ho ho
26:25And you can sing for us
26:27Oh ho ho ho ho
26:27Clatter him back
26:28Oh ho
26:29Clatter him back
26:30Being married to a scoom teacher isn't the end of everyone's rainbow you know
26:34Well neither has been married to a slapper
26:37Yes
26:38You are never gonna get married again boy
26:39I'll get married to myself
26:40Yeah that's alright
26:41Yeah
26:41But you know that we're too
26:43We can go
26:43Why car?
26:46This is all this time.
26:50My brother, you crazy boy.
26:53It's hard to take a dream.
26:55Back whiz!
26:57Stop, baby!
26:58Get away, get away, get away.
27:01Back whiz!
27:03Let me out.
27:04You can come out with my password.
27:07One, two, one!
27:11Three, one, two, one.
27:13Two, one, two, three.
27:14Let's go.
27:15OK.
27:19OK.
27:23OK.
27:24OK.
27:25OK.
27:26OK.
27:28OK.
27:29We're not still.
27:31Keep leaving for a crack when he kicked like that.
27:33Come in and fuck that one again.
27:37Yeah, we're not still.
27:39Thanks, boys.
27:42In the end, no one got what they wanted, except for Linda and Siobhan.
27:48The day didn't turn out the way any of us imagined it would.
27:52Except Jock was right what he said.
27:55Weddings really do make women horny.
28:10You are the first time working the executive director.
28:10You bet.
28:10Oh, I think he could love more.
28:29You
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