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00:00From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:04Tonight, Jason Segel and Lisa Ann Walter
00:08with the Kletos!
00:11And now, Jimmy Kimmel Live!
00:33Well, it's very kind. I appreciate it. I'm Jimmy.
00:37Thank you very much. Thank you. Please relax.
00:40Thank you for joining us here in Los Angeles at our studio.
00:44We are back at it after a week off.
00:47It's hard to believe it was only a week off.
00:49It seems like we've been gone for a year.
00:52So much stuff happened while we were off.
00:55I mean, have you been following the news, Guillermo?
00:57Yeah, it's crazy, Jimmy.
00:58Please, you have not.
01:01No, I've been following basketball.
01:03You've been playing basketball?
01:04No, I was following the March Madness basketball.
01:06Oh, you're following March Madness.
01:07How did you do in the office pool?
01:09Terrible. I'm number 38.
01:11Oh, all right.
01:12Well, I'll tell you what you missed.
01:14We learned a lot of things.
01:16We learned that there are two people with inflatable boobs
01:20in Kristi Noem's house.
01:21We learned Tiger Woods had a throwback Thursday.
01:25The Super Mario movie made $130 million,
01:29which means we now have a plumber leading the box office
01:31and the Department of Homeland Security.
01:36We...
01:38In the middle of the war, Senator Lindsey Graham took a break
01:42from months of mongering to go to Disney World.
01:44Here he is with a Little Mermaid bubble wand.
01:49It can get lonely in those Orlando hotels.
01:53Here in L.A., Kanye rose from the dead
01:55for a sold-out Seder at SoFi Stadium on Friday.
01:59J.D. Vance revealed that he believes that what are reported
02:02as alien sightings are actually demons living among us
02:06and no one even noticed because his boss baby
02:09has been filling his diaper in the bigliest way probably ever.
02:13He fired his attorney general, Pam Bondi,
02:17for not doing enough illegal stuff for him.
02:19And this is how well-liked she is.
02:20Hours after she got the axe,
02:22her official photo was reportedly found in the track at the DOJ.
02:29And you know what?
02:30Honestly, she's in a better place.
02:33And then yesterday on Easter Sunday,
02:35of all the days, we woke up to this.
02:37Tuesday will be Power Plant Day and Bridge Day,
02:40all wrapped up in one in Iran.
02:43There will be nothing like it.
02:45Open the f***ing straight, you crazy bastards,
02:47or you'll be living in hell.
02:49Just watch, praise be to Allah, President Donald J. Trump.
02:53I believe that's a letter from Paul to the Corinthians.
02:59You know, we've heard the word unhinged a lot this weekend,
03:04probably more than any weekend ever,
03:06but I just want you to imagine.
03:08Let me set the scene, okay?
03:09You're finishing your Easter brunch,
03:11cleaning up, the kids are running out to the yard
03:13to find jelly beans,
03:14and suddenly your 79-year-old grandpa stands up
03:17and he yells,
03:18Open the f***ing straight, you crazy bastards,
03:22or you'll be living in hell.
03:24Just watch, praise be to Allah.
03:27You'd put him in the car,
03:29drive him straight to the emergency room, right?
03:31I mean, the whole family would be crying.
03:35And not the Trumps.
03:37Nope.
03:38Four hours later, he posted again an ultimatum.
03:41He wrote, Tuesday, 8 p.m. Eastern Time.
03:45It's the only president who teases a bombing
03:47the same way ABC promotes new episodes of Will Trent.
03:51And then today, he changed that deadline.
03:54He said Iran could be taken out by midnight tomorrow,
03:57but he didn't specify if that's our tomorrow
04:00or their tomorrow.
04:01We could start a World War III over a time zone error.
04:06Things are running like a Swiss watch, folks.
04:08And then, to make this all even more ridiculous,
04:10today the president and the first lady
04:12presided over the annual White House Easter egg roll.
04:15This is a tradition that dates back to 1878.
04:18And what you're about to see,
04:19even though we did not have video back
04:21when Rutherford B. Hayes was running the show,
04:23I have to believe that this would rank among,
04:27if not at the top, of the most preposterous moments
04:29in White House Easter egg roll history.
04:32They were giving me a briefing about that.
04:35And they said, normally, when you're in very hostile territory,
04:39and I don't think it gets much more hostile than Iran,
04:42they're capable fighters.
04:43They're very tough people.
04:45And there are others like that.
04:47You don't mind when the enemy is weak,
04:49but that enemy is strong.
04:50Not so strong like they were about a month ago.
04:53I can tell you, in fact, right now,
04:54they're not too strong at all, in my opinion,
04:57but we're soon gonna find out, aren't we?
05:00Having fun, kids?
05:02Are you...?
05:04Okay.
05:08I want you to take another journey with me, if you will.
05:10Can you imagine the new Ayatollah,
05:13sitting in his bunker,
05:16eating his yogurt and potatoes,
05:17watching TV, watching this lunatic,
05:19bragging about blowing them up,
05:21while, with no explanation,
05:23standing next to a man in a bunny suit.
05:27What is this, cargouche?
05:30That's bunny in Farsi. I looked it up.
05:32I did some research there.
05:33And, by the way, you know who was in that bunny suit?
05:36Marco Rubio.
05:37No.
05:39I assume.
05:40Today, we have more than 40,000 eggs
05:42supplied by all of the great egg farmers
05:45that are with us.
05:47So, if eggs is a big thing,
05:49and it was a big thing to our great first lady,
05:51who's here someplace?
05:53Let's see.
05:53I think this is our first lady.
05:55What do you think of our first lady?
05:57She's a movie star.
05:59Eggs is a big thing, and eggs is a big thing.
06:02I think that's our first lady.
06:03One of these two is.
06:05You know what?
06:06We've all forgotten which one our wife was
06:08at an Easter egg hunt.
06:09He was very focused on the eggs,
06:11because last year, eggs were like $8 apiece,
06:14so then he went down to chat it up
06:16with the folks who brought the yolks.
06:18Are you egg people?
06:19Yes.
06:20Everybody's an egg person.
06:22I never saw so many egg people.
06:23That's in Trump.
06:24It tells you it's a big industry.
06:26How did I do with the voters that do eggs?
06:29Did you say 100% or 90%?
06:32100%.
06:33Did anybody in the egg industry vote for Kamala?
06:36A low IQ person.
06:37She's a low IQ person.
06:39Who's a lower IQ person, Biden or Kamala?
06:43Every time he speaks, it makes me wonder
06:45how Melania is able to not jump off that balcony
06:48in front of everyone.
06:49This is quite an event.
06:50The first lady read the children an Easter book,
06:53and the president educated the kids
06:57on some recent history.
06:58And before we show this, I want to assure you,
07:00the words you are about to hear coming out of the president's mouth
07:03were not altered.
07:04We did not script this.
07:06This is not A.I. or a Donald Trump impersonator.
07:09This is our president chatting with children
07:11on the White House lawn.
07:13Now, Biden would use the auto pen.
07:16He'd have an auto pen file on Joe Biden.
07:19He didn't sign.
07:20He was incapable of signing his name.
07:22So they'd follow him around with this big machine.
07:24An auto is called an auto pen.
07:27And he'd have the auto pen sign for him.
07:30He'd take the paper, hand it to his guys.
07:32They'd sign it with an auto pen, Joe Biden.
07:34Not too good, right?
07:36Better to sign this stuff.
07:38Jesus H. Christ.
07:40Are you out of your f***ing mind?
07:43Okay.
07:44That's my fake news.
07:48Who likes the fake news?
07:52All right, we may have added one line from one kid,
07:54but other than that, it was all Donald.
07:57Talking about auto pen and fake news with four-year-olds.
08:01Trump was also spotted walking around with a drawing
08:04of a monument he is building to honor himself,
08:07that arch he wants to construct on the Washington Mall.
08:10The picture's crumpled because he'd been kissing it all morning.
08:13Oh, man, if he builds that thing, I hope that on the day he leaves office,
08:17I hope that on that day they knock it down.
08:19As they swear the next president in.
08:22As his or her hand goes on the Bible.
08:27I want to see a wrecking ball just whack it down in the background.
08:30And then just to cap it off, Trump gave us an update on that war we won six weeks ago.
08:34This time with musical accompaniment.
08:37Israel would have been gone.
08:39Extinguished.
08:40Israel would have been wiped off the face of the earth.
08:42And the entire Middle East would have been, at a minimum, in big trouble.
08:46But I did it.
08:47That was phase one.
08:48We killed Soleimani.
08:50Without Soleimani.
08:51If they had Soleimani, it would be a whole different thing.
08:53Maybe.
08:54We'd still be winning, but it would have been harder.
08:56Because we are obliterating that country.
08:59And I hate to do it, but we're obliterating it.
09:01And they just don't want to say uncle.
09:03They don't want to cry as the expression goes uncle.
09:06But they will.
09:07I like it.
09:08I think it's...
09:08That could be an album, right?
09:10Him boasting about war crimes to the tune of Stevie Wonder.
09:14You know, there was a rumor going around over the weekend that Trump had been hospitalized
09:18at Walter Reed because he didn't appear in public from Wednesday to Sunday.
09:22The White House was aggressively defensive.
09:25They wrote, deranged liberals cook up insane conspiracy theories when POTUS goes 12 hours
09:30without speaking to press.
09:32Maybe that's because our deranged president never goes more than 12 minutes without speaking
09:36to press.
09:37But to be clear, Trump was not hospitalized this weekend, even though he definitely should
09:42have been.
09:43He made up for today with a lengthy press conference slash proof of life.
09:48And since the auto pen bit was such a hit with the kids, he served up a second helping
09:51of Biden badging, this time when talking about his old pal Kim Jong-un.
09:56Kim Jong-un, who I get along with very well, as you know.
09:59Do you notice?
09:59He said very nice things about me.
10:01He used to call Joe Biden a mentally retarded person.
10:05Okay?
10:05So don't tell me about your stuff.
10:08Joe Biden, he said he's a mentally retarded person.
10:11He was so nasty to Joe Biden.
10:13It was terrible.
10:13But to me, he likes Trump.
10:15Oh, well, who doesn't really, you know?
10:19This is a better day for Dandy Dodd coming off a full Easter Sunday meltdown.
10:23He answered questions from reporters for a full hour, which we have whittled down to
10:27the juiciest McNuggets.
10:29And here he is in full cognitive decline, our commander in chief.
10:37This is one of our better Easter's, I think, in a lot of different ways.
10:40I can say militarily, it's been one of the best.
10:44You know, the old days, to the victim.
10:47Okay?
10:48You know that.
10:49To the winner belong the spoils.
10:53We won.
10:54And then they came.
10:55They came at speeds like we've never seen.
10:57They came at 17 different angles.
11:00That was a lot of angles.
11:01And we will watch it.
11:03And we said, that's amazing.
11:04Somebody said, oh, he doesn't have a plan.
11:06I have the best plan of all.
11:07How about gays for Iran?
11:09We want Greenland.
11:10Osama bin Laden.
11:12You no longer have credibility at the New York Times.
11:14It used to be the old gray lady.
11:16It was great.
11:17If you read my book, I wish you'd read the book.
11:19I will go to Venezuela.
11:20I'm going to run for president.
11:21Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.
11:22God doesn't like what's happening.
11:24Let's go.
11:25Come on.
11:25Get in.
11:26Let's go.
11:27No, no, no.
11:27Boom, boom, boom.
11:29Boom.
11:31Bye bye.
11:33Okay, thank you very much everybody.
11:36I don't know, but I find it very comforting to know
11:38those tiny, badly bruised hands are on the wheel of this country.
11:41And there was some good news today, something Americans can be proud of,
11:45and that is a space mission, the Artemis II astronauts
11:48have reached the far side of the moon.
11:50It is the farthest any human being has ever traveled
11:55with only one makeup, and that was a toilet malfunction.
11:58The commode on the ship is not working.
12:00The line to flush the pipe was blocked by ice.
12:04Not that ice, just regular ice.
12:06They're really...
12:07They were out of control.
12:10They're hoping that the astronauts can befriend
12:13a cute little stone alien to fix it,
12:15like they did for Ryan Gosling.
12:16But if not that, they'll either have to pee in bags
12:20or hold it till they get home, I guess.
12:22It's a situation that the Fox 11 news team
12:25in San Antonio reminders could be, and has been, worse.
12:29Over the weekend, the mission passed some key milestones.
12:33But it's not all smooth sailing.
12:36The Orion space capsule is experiencing some toilet problems.
12:40You know, I did a deep dive into this,
12:42and in 1969, the Apollo mission,
12:44there was literally floating poop in the capsule.
12:49Floating feces, if you will.
12:51There's floating poop in the capsule, everybody.
12:53That's...
12:55What's the opposite of a fun fact?
12:58And there was one other news story
12:59that we missed over the break.
13:01It comes to us once again from the Funshine State,
13:04and here it is, another edition of This Week in Florida.
13:09The Flagler County Sheriff's Office
13:11caught William Murphy driving backwards.
13:14Now, he told deputies he had a mechanical issue,
13:16and his car was stuck in reverse.
13:19I didn't think that was that bad when you don't play.
13:22I wasn't even swerving or anything like that,
13:25or driving faster.
13:26You're driving backwards on the road.
13:28Yeah, I mean, it's the same thing as if you were...
13:30No, it's not.
13:31It's not, dude.
13:32His arrest report shows
13:33more than 10 prior convictions
13:34for that same charge.
13:38More than 10.
13:40A lot of states 10's the limit,
13:42but it's already can go up to 25.
13:45But, hey, we got a fun show tonight.
13:47Lisa Ann Walter from Abbott Elementary this year.
13:50We have Laura Mays sitting in
13:52with the Cleetones tonight,
13:53and we'll be right back with Jason Siegel,
13:56so stick around.
14:13Hi, and welcome back to the show.
14:16Tonight, you know her from Abbott Elementary.
14:19Her new and very first stand-up comedy special
14:21is called It Was an Accident.
14:23Lisa Ann Walter is with us tonight.
14:28This week, we have new shows
14:29with Gene Smart, Cary Mulligan,
14:32Scott Speedman, Anthony Starr,
14:34Maude Apatow, and Oscar Isaac
14:35with music from Mitski, Gorillaz, and Sparks.
14:38So please join us for all that.
14:40And also sitting in with the Cleetones
14:41all this week, Laura Mays.
14:42Welcome, Laura.
14:43Thanks for coming.
14:45Good to see you.
14:46Our first guest tonight
14:47is an actor, writer,
14:49and one of the few people in Hollywood
14:51talented enough to cry and play piano
14:53at the same time.
14:54You can see the season finale
14:56of Shrinking Wednesday
14:57on Apple TV.
14:58Please welcome Jason Siegel.
15:15How are you?
15:16Awesome.
15:18Hello, everybody.
15:19You look good.
15:21I do.
15:22Yeah.
15:23You look like you got some sun.
15:25You look tan and healthy.
15:26Thank you very much.
15:27Have you been out enjoying the climate change?
15:31Yeah.
15:32I take big mega walks
15:33through a botanical garden
15:34to kind of clear my head.
15:36It's actually, I got engaged recently.
15:38I got engaged.
15:41I got engaged at the botanical garden.
15:43Oh, at the botanical garden.
15:45I did.
15:45Oh, wow.
15:45How about that?
15:46Yeah, it was very nice.
15:47Yeah, that's very nice.
15:48Is that, like, your special place?
15:50We had an early date there.
15:53My fiance's name is Kayla.
15:54She's the best person on earth.
15:56And, yeah, so I had told her,
15:59I had set up, like,
16:00hey, I'm doing shrinking right now.
16:01It's very overwhelming.
16:03I'm not going to be able to get engaged
16:04until we wrap.
16:06You did?
16:06I did.
16:07But that was a lie.
16:08Oh, interesting.
16:10She accepted the lie?
16:11She accepted the lie.
16:12Okay.
16:12I did acting.
16:13Okay.
16:14Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:15Yeah, I did full acting.
16:18But it turns out I'm not very good at lying,
16:20you know?
16:20Okay.
16:20So I had told her, hey, in three weeks,
16:24there's a donor dinner at the Botanical Gardens.
16:27But I'm not a donor.
16:31You're not?
16:32No.
16:32Oh.
16:32And so as time went on,
16:34I really couldn't hold this lie very well at all.
16:37So I kept adding things like,
16:39I heard the mayor is going to be at the donor dinner.
16:42And I said, I heard the L.A. Times
16:44is coming to the donor dinner.
16:46So by the time this night arrives,
16:48it sounds like a total chore.
16:50It sounds like a total drag.
16:51We've got to go to this thing.
16:51It also seems weird that you'd be excited
16:53about, like, the L.A. Times being at a donor dinner.
16:56I mean, even the words donor dinner sound weird.
16:59Yeah.
17:00For sure.
17:01Yeah.
17:02So we arrive, and the gardens,
17:04Huntington Gardens here in Pasadena.
17:06Oh, yeah.
17:06They showed up, and they also did acting.
17:09They didn't tell me that they were going to do this.
17:11They said, welcome to the donor dinner.
17:13Oh.
17:14Oh.
17:14Oh, so you let them in on the whole play.
17:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:17They arranged it.
17:18It was after hours.
17:19They said, oh, you're a little late for the donor dinner.
17:21Everyone kept saying, donor dinner.
17:26And did you look at Kayla and go,
17:27no, there it is.
17:29Probably going to donate.
17:32But my big, you know, like, my measure of if I had done it right
17:36was if she burst into tears, which was a high mark.
17:38I'm like, if, if, if.
17:39So you wanted her to cry.
17:40I wanted her to cry real hard.
17:42OK.
17:43All right.
17:43I wanted it to be the best, the best moment of her life,
17:45you know?
17:46Uh-huh.
17:46So we, uh, we get to the donor dinner.
17:48Were you ready with the ring and all that stuff?
17:49The ring in my pocket.
17:50I designed it.
17:51Oh, you did?
17:52Yeah.
17:52That could be a big mistake.
17:54No, you know what?
17:55You know what?
17:56Well, it turned out it wasn't, I guess.
17:58But it could be.
17:58Could have been.
17:59Yeah.
17:59Kayla's this amazing mix.
18:01She, like, presents as a Disney princess,
18:02but she's a total weirdo.
18:04Oh.
18:04Yeah.
18:04And so I wanted something that really captured who she was.
18:07And I think I did it.
18:08OK.
18:08And so we arrive at this place, and there's a carpet,
18:11and there's all these rose petals for the donor dinner.
18:13Uh-huh.
18:14All right.
18:14So this is when she's going to know.
18:16Oh, OK.
18:17Got you.
18:17Right?
18:17So be ready with the ring at this moment.
18:19And she walked up, and, because I don't lie.
18:23Uh-huh.
18:23And she said, oh, someone must have just gotten married here.
18:26Oh.
18:28Sweet woman.
18:29And I said, I said, yeah, this is the love statue.
18:32Close your eyes.
18:33Make a wish.
18:34And while her eyes were closed, I got down on my knee,
18:36and I proposed.
18:37Yeah.
18:38Thanks.
18:40Oh.
18:41Oh.
18:41Yeah.
18:44But I looked up, Jimmy, and there was only one tear.
18:47Like a Denis Moore tear.
18:49And I'm like, this is not enough crying.
18:51Uh-huh.
18:52Yeah, right.
18:53And then I had hired a string quartet.
18:56And they started playing.
18:58And they started playing Taylor's Oldest Time from Beauty
19:01and the Beast, her favorite movie.
19:02And she turned to me, and she said,
19:04is this Beauty and the Beast?
19:07And she lost it.
19:09Mission accomplished.
19:13Did you have any other steps planned in case she didn't cry
19:20from Beauty and the Beast, like goblins jumping out
19:22of the bushes or anything like that?
19:23Just pretend to break up with her.
19:25We got a, uh...
19:27Uh, this is, uh...
19:29So who took the photo?
19:31I had a friend hiding in the bushes.
19:33Oh, he did?
19:33Dressed as a tree.
19:34Because it's all plants there, you know,
19:36so he had to dress as a tree.
19:37Yeah, this is very beautiful.
19:38You know, can I share a moment I didn't think I was going to talk about?
19:41So the whole time I was like, um, her proposal,
19:44I got to make her engagement perfect.
19:47And it was right at that moment when I was down on my knee,
19:49I had this moment, and I was like,
19:51oh, it's your proposal also.
19:53Like, this is your engagement.
19:55And I was 46 years old.
19:57I've walked through a lot of doors, but not this one.
19:59So, yeah, I'm really, really excited.
20:01Oh, that's an interesting way to think about it.
20:03Yeah.
20:04I definitely didn't think about it that way.
20:06Yeah.
20:07And was it, and did you say yes to yourself?
20:11Yeah, yeah, I'm all in.
20:12I'm all in.
20:13Well, that's exciting.
20:14Now, I know that Kayla is a professional dancer
20:17and choreographer, right?
20:18Yeah, she's an actor and a dancer and a choreographer.
20:20She's exceptional at dancing.
20:22Does that put pressure on you at the wedding itself,
20:26at the reception?
20:27No, listen, I have a lot of enthusiasm about dancing,
20:30and I also have no pride and shame.
20:32Okay.
20:32So I'll be fantastic.
20:34Good, good.
20:34I'm actually pretty good at dancing
20:36and a pretty good helper for her.
20:38How do you help her?
20:39Well, very recently, she texted me.
20:43She was working on a big job.
20:44She had a lot of songs to choreograph,
20:45and she was like, I'm running out of time.
20:47I have to choreograph this whole song.
20:50And I was like, oh, what song is it?
20:52And she sent me the name of the song.
20:54And within minutes, I sent her back something.
20:57And this is the video that you brought with us?
20:59Yeah, this is just a snippet of it.
21:00The full video is three and a half minutes.
21:02Okay.
21:19And this is not bad.
21:22I mean, that's pretty good dancing.
21:26Did she use any of those moves?
21:28Oh, every single one of those moves.
21:30The whole show is just that.
21:34I like that little look into your life.
21:36I mean, that's the sort of thing only the mirror usually sees, right?
21:39Man, I'm having a really good time.
21:41My whole life, work has been my beloved.
21:43And now, like, the whole lens of how I view things has switched.
21:46And I'm like, I'm having the best time of my life.
21:48You just, you have a movie coming out, right?
21:50I do.
21:50Yeah.
21:51Yeah.
21:51Now, this is a movie you shot in Finland.
21:53I did.
21:54It's called Over Your Dead Body.
21:55It's about a husband and a wife who go on what's supposed to be a romantic weekend.
22:00But each one has the secret plan to murder the other.
22:03So it's kind of the opposite of your botanical garden journey.
22:06Yeah.
22:08Although, Samara Weaving is my co-star.
22:10She was busy doing another movie during my fight training, because there's extensive fighting.
22:14So they let Kayla do the fight training with me.
22:17So right after we got engaged, we just beat the hell out of each other for like a month and
22:20a half.
22:20Yeah, she did your fight training.
22:22Yeah, yeah.
22:23You must be very, very secure to have your fiancée teach you to fight.
22:27Yeah.
22:27She's like a lot better at me than anything physical.
22:31So it was pretty cool.
22:31You're marrying a ninja.
22:33Yeah, for sure.
22:34So did you get to...
22:36I've never been to Finland, and I want to go there.
22:39Did you get to spend time there?
22:39I had neither.
22:40Finland, I was very excited to go.
22:43I, when I go to a new city, really want to become like...
22:46I'm like Big Bird.
22:47I kind of want to become like the mayor of the city and wave at everybody and say hi.
22:51But Finland is kind of a stoic culture.
22:53You know, they keep their head down and not a lot of like waving or eye contact.
22:57So I was very determined to break through that social more.
23:03But it backfired on me.
23:04I went to the grocery store like very early on, and I was waving at everybody like,
23:09how was your day?
23:10And people were just kind of looking at me weird.
23:12Um, hello.
23:13I also realized I'm not really famous there, which changes the metrics.
23:17Like, no one cared.
23:19I was just like a big, tall guy.
23:21Like, hello.
23:22You have the confidence.
23:23With intense eye contact.
23:25And also, I don't...
23:27I don't know if you know this.
23:28I don't speak Finnish.
23:29You don't?
23:29No.
23:29So all of the products there are written in Finnish.
23:34So I would spend a lot of time like staring at the breakfast cereal,
23:37trying to figure out what was what.
23:39So then I had this trip to the grocery store, and I went to go get in my car,
23:44and this giant security guard, this female security guard covered in tattoos
23:48who looked like Dolph Lundgren from Rocky, she said,
23:52you have to give me your keys.
23:54I don't know if that's the right accent.
23:57It's right for Dolph Lundgren.
23:58Yeah.
23:59And I said, why?
24:01And she said, you're clearly high, saying hello to everybody
24:05and staring at breakfast cereal.
24:12I'm fervent.
24:15And I just muttered, I'm not high, I'm just friendly.
24:20Did she accept that?
24:21Yeah, kind of reluctantly.
24:23Reluctantly, yeah.
24:24I don't think she bought it.
24:25Yeah, all right.
24:26Well, we're going to take a break.
24:27We're going to come back, and we're going to see a clip from
24:29Shrinking Jason Segel's show.
24:39You're really arrogant, you know that?
24:41I do.
24:41You expect everybody to worship you, and you don't care at all if they feel valued or not.
24:47You really think that's true?
24:49I don't know what I did wrong, Paul.
24:51I've always been there for you.
24:52I've been there for your patients.
24:54I was Team Paul.
24:55I was Team Paul 24-7.
24:57That was me, Team Paul.
24:59Everything I've done, everything has been to make you happy.
25:02Yes, I slept with Meg.
25:04God damn it.
25:05You what?
25:06Jimmy!
25:07Not the man's daughter.
25:09Derek!
25:10I had to pee.
25:11You had to walk past three bathrooms to get to that balcony.
25:14We like fresh air.
25:16Go back inside.
25:18That's Ted McGinley, Harrison Ford, and Jason Segel in Shrinking, which is such a good show.
25:26It really is.
25:27Thanks, man.
25:27I would imagine that when you started working with Harrison Ford, it was very intimidating.
25:33Did it get less so as the show progressed?
25:36You know, this isn't a funny story.
25:37It's like I learned a lot from this man.
25:39He knows when he walks into a room that there's going to be awe surrounding him.
25:43And right from the beginning, he made it really clear that he wanted to be a teammate.
25:49Like, I am here to build...
25:51He's a carpenter, you know, originally by trade.
25:53He's like, I am here to build this show with you.
25:56What can I do?
25:57Like, how can I be of service to the show?
25:59And when somebody like Harrison Ford, who could show up any way he wants, is behaving like that,
26:03everyone falls into line with that same mentality of, like, how can we be here to support each other?
26:07Interesting.
26:08Yeah, and he probably wants to take that fear away from you, because you may see something that you think
26:12is not right,
26:13and you don't want to say anything, because it's Han Solo.
26:16Yeah.
26:17No, for sure.
26:18And before scenes, he's like, what do you need from me today, kid?
26:21Mm-hmm.
26:22Holy moly, you know?
26:24Yeah, it's like, it's truly the honor of my career to get to do scenes with him.
26:28It's pretty crazy.
26:29We had him here a couple of weeks ago, actually, he was here.
26:33And he's so funny, he's got this, like, this, a lot of people misunderstand, they think he's being rude,
26:40but he's really just being funny.
26:41He tortures everyone backstage.
26:43Yeah, yeah, you have to be, you have to be unflinching against that kind of approach, and it's, it's awesome.
26:50He went outside after he was here and said to one of our segment producers,
26:55hey, I need five bucks for the valet, for parking.
27:00And he didn't have a five, he gave him $10, knowing full well there is no valet out there.
27:06He had, he sent a car for him.
27:09He took the $10, and he got in the car, and he left.
27:12Yeah.
27:13Yeah, yeah, that adds up.
27:14That adds up.
27:15He also mentioned that he's a fan of your penis.
27:18He did, he said that.
27:20And that's, I mean, I know it's great to work with him,
27:23but to have him praise your penis on television.
27:26Well, I can't imagine anything better than that.
27:28He said that here?
27:28He said that here, yeah.
27:29Okay, then I'll tell this story, because I didn't know.
27:33I didn't know what he had mentioned publicly about my penis.
27:36Yeah.
27:37So we, look, when you make an offer to Harrison Ford,
27:40it's mostly so you can tell people you've made an offer to Harrison Ford,
27:43have him say no, and then you pick somebody who's going to do it, you know?
27:46I got you, okay.
27:47But we wanted to woo him, and he's like, I don't, I don't know anything about the kid.
27:52Me, I'm the kid in this story.
27:54Right, yeah.
27:54I don't know anything about the kid, send me a couple things.
27:56So we sent him a movie I'd done called End of the Tour,
27:59which is a drama, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
28:02Right.
28:02And he watched, because the show requires both, you know?
28:08Mm-hmm.
28:08And he watched him, we waited and waited and waited,
28:11and we got back a text that said,
28:15I'm in, the kid can act, and also tell him, great .
28:24And that's, that, you haven't had that blown up and pasted on the wall?
28:29If you think that's not framed in front of the toilet?
28:33Sometimes I need a little reassurance.
28:36And also, in this season, Michael J. Fox has become a part of the show,
28:40which is another guy that, that people have that same reaction to,
28:46who, where they, you know, they just, he means so much to so many people,
28:50going all the way back to, like, family ties, you know?
28:53Alex P. Keaton, you know?
28:55Look, there was a moment in my early to mid-20s
28:59when I was doing How I Met Your Mother
29:01and, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the, oh, thanks.
29:06Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the same time,
29:09and Muppets around the same time, too.
29:11And I, I, I wrote both of those movies, and I was tired.
29:14I was like, I'm going to collapse under the weight of this.
29:16And we literally used to say to each other, our little group, like,
29:21if Michael J. Fox can do it, we can do it.
29:23Because he was doing Back to the Future and Family Ties at the same time.
29:26And I got a chance to tell him that when he was on Shrinking.
29:29And, uh, it was a really meaningful moment to me to say, like,
29:32hey, I, I think, you know, part of why I'm here
29:34is because of the, um, the bar you set.
29:37Wow, really? And did he appreciate that?
29:39Yeah, I think so, totally.
29:40Yeah, or at least he pretended he did.
29:42And he told me great d***.
29:43Yeah, that's great.
29:49Well, congratulations, the show is really good,
29:51really funny, and, uh, also very moving in, in a lot of ways.
29:55So it's great to have you here.
29:56The season finale, of course, you can go back and watch the whole thing,
29:59but the season finale, uh, is on Wednesday night, Apple TV.
30:03The show is called Shrinking.
30:04Congratulations on that, and your penis, also.
30:07Aw, thanks, man.
30:07Jason Segel, everybody.
30:09We'll be back with Lisa Ann Walker.
30:14I don't want you to be your spirit.
30:17This week on Jimmy Kimmel Live,
30:21Carey Mulligan, Gene Smart, and Oscar Isaac,
30:25plus music from Mitski and Gorillaz featuring Sparks.
30:40Hi, and welcome back.
30:42Our next guest is an actress and comedian
30:44you know from the very popular show Abbott Elementary.
30:47She has her first ever stand-up comedy special.
30:50It's called It Was an Accident.
30:52It is coming to Hulu.
30:53Please welcome Lisa Ann Walter.
30:55She has her first ever stand-up comedy special.
31:15Woo!
31:16Wow.
31:17Look at that.
31:19Woo!
31:20How are you?
31:21Woo!
31:22You know, so, you know, every time
31:25you're here, you make me something,
31:27and I appreciate it, and then I don't eat
31:29in preparation for this.
31:31Good.
31:31That's how I like you.
31:32So, if it ever comes...
31:33Hungry, desperate.
31:34If it ever so happens that you don't make me something,
31:37let me know in advance, because I'll be hungry and mad.
31:40Okay.
31:41No.
31:41That's what I bring you.
31:42I bring you food and boobs every trip.
31:43Yeah.
31:44Yeah, yeah.
31:45My three favorite things.
31:49So, um, this looks like, this looks familiar to me.
31:52This is a traditional Italian Easter.
31:54It is.
31:55It's, we call this one pizza game, the big one.
31:58And there is, you can't really tell.
32:00You'd have to, like, raise the tray.
32:02But there is, you're supposed to put, like,
32:04an Easter symbol on it, so that's an Easter basket in the middle.
32:06I did it myself.
32:07Don't make fun.
32:08And there's an egg in there, right?
32:10There's an egg in there.
32:11That's an interesting...
32:12That's what we do.
32:13Yeah, I remember that.
32:13My grandmother would put that egg in there.
32:15Right.
32:15And do you cook the egg beforehand,
32:17or does it cook inside the pot?
32:19No, it's hard-boiled.
32:19So, there's, like, there's all the meats,
32:21like the Soprasek, the, you know, Genoa,
32:24the regular salami, all the different sausages.
32:26Can we cut it to show everybody what it looks like?
32:28Yeah.
32:28Yeah, eat it.
32:29Give them some.
32:30I see Guillermo is...
32:32So...
32:32Okay.
32:33Does he got a fork?
32:34I do.
32:35Is he over there with a fork?
32:36You have a fork, yeah.
32:37Yeah.
32:37And then you put, like, ragot and egg,
32:40and, oh, there you go.
32:41And then on top, it's far-boiled egg.
32:43That's nice.
32:43So, traditionally, what you do is,
32:45after Mass, you come home,
32:47and that's already made,
32:48and then you need a scarf of tuna.
32:50That's right.
32:50My mom makes this, too.
32:51And my mother will make, like, um,
32:54uh, like, 75 of these.
32:56Yeah.
32:57Yeah, and I'm not joking.
32:58I got one.
32:59She will make...
33:00She gave me one.
33:00Oh, she did?
33:01Yeah.
33:02I got one of the dressing rooms.
33:02You got number 76.
33:03And it's good, too,
33:04because I, $60 worth of ingredients
33:06that I got on the way home.
33:09Nobody else ate.
33:10I didn't cook for Easter.
33:11These are expensive.
33:11Only for Jimmy.
33:12I only made food for him.
33:14Oh, you didn't cook for your family?
33:15No.
33:15Oh, this looks really good.
33:17They weren't there.
33:18Oh, okay.
33:19They weren't there,
33:19so I just made this for you.
33:21Where was everybody for Easter?
33:23They're back east,
33:24doing, living a life.
33:25Mm-hmm.
33:26What do you think?
33:26Oh, it's good.
33:27You know what?
33:27Better than your mother's?
33:29Say no.
33:31No.
33:35It's almost as good.
33:36I apologize to my mother,
33:37but it is better than hers.
33:38Yeah.
33:39No, it's not.
33:40In fairness, you made one.
33:41She made 75 of it.
33:42That's true.
33:43That's true.
33:44She's turning them out
33:44like a factory worker or something.
33:46And what is this one?
33:48That's grain pie.
33:49Oh.
33:49So I don't know.
33:50I guess there was a thing
33:51like in Southern Italy and Sicily.
33:52They only had stuff like,
33:54come on over here.
33:55He wants some.
33:56Come on over here.
33:56I can see it.
33:56Yeah.
33:56We don't have any plates over here.
33:58Just hold out your hand.
33:59It's not hot.
33:59Yeah, you gotta scarf this down.
34:00Hoopah!
34:02He's flipping it.
34:02I'll try it.
34:03Eat it like a sandwich.
34:04Yeah.
34:06Good, right?
34:08It's real good.
34:10I want to see.
34:10Tastes like a calzone.
34:12I'm going to tell you what I mean.
34:13Yeah, a little bit.
34:13Yeah.
34:14So I'm surprised.
34:15I thought you might eat the egg
34:16in the center.
34:16I'm a little disappointed.
34:18We'll get to that later.
34:19Don't worry.
34:19We like to eat the whole thing
34:20and get to the egg last,
34:21you know?
34:22Exactly.
34:23Eat it in a circle.
34:24If your family had been around
34:25for Easter, is there,
34:26besides this,
34:27are there other things
34:27that you make traditionally?
34:28Yeah, I mean, like,
34:30okay, so for, you know this,
34:31for Italian holidays,
34:33you have a regular Italian meal,
34:35like a baked ziti
34:36or a men of God
34:37or lasagna,
34:38and then you have, like,
34:39a roast on top of that.
34:40Like, you have the whole
34:41American holiday meal.
34:43Same with Thanksgiving.
34:45Yeah, and Christmas.
34:46And then ziti or whatever.
34:47Right, exactly.
34:48So usually I make
34:49whatever the Italian meal is,
34:51and then I have to do
34:52a lamb, a leg of lamb,
34:53because my kids are weird
34:54and they like leg of lamb.
34:55Do any of the kids
34:56seem interested
34:57in, like, carrying the torch
34:59and taking over
34:59the family holiday meals
35:01eventually?
35:02Yeah, three of them
35:03out of the four
35:03really love to cook.
35:05One of them does it
35:05just because he wants
35:06my, you know,
35:07attention and approval,
35:08but the other three
35:09actually enjoy it.
35:10They enjoy it.
35:11Yeah, but they're
35:11nightmares in the kitchen.
35:13Talk about crime scene.
35:14Jesus, Jimmy.
35:15Are they really
35:15a nightmare in the kitchen
35:16or are you the nightmare
35:17in the kitchen?
35:18No.
35:18Because I know that,
35:19you know, sometimes parents
35:20can be a little bit overbearing.
35:22You're not doing this right.
35:24No, I'm not watching
35:25how they do it.
35:25They've watched me
35:26their whole lives.
35:27Right.
35:27I told them
35:27when they left
35:28that you need to learn
35:29how to make four dishes
35:30so that you can go
35:31out into the world.
35:32You've got to make a chicken,
35:33you've got to make
35:33a Mexican thing,
35:34you've got to make
35:34red sauce and you've got
35:35to make, like, a meat thing.
35:37Right?
35:37Okay.
35:37I taught them.
35:38I shoved them out the door.
35:39They went on their way.
35:40One of them thinks
35:41he's a master chef.
35:42And you understand
35:43how everybody thinks
35:44they're a chef now
35:44because they all watch
35:45The Bear?
35:46Do you know
35:46what I'm talking about?
35:47Did you see
35:48the woman on social media
35:49made spaghetti
35:50out of spaghetti?
35:50I'm insulted.
35:52I didn't see that.
35:53Stop it.
35:54They're too creative.
35:55Yeah, yeah.
35:56A little too creative.
35:58One kid wanted
35:59to make a potato dish
36:00for Christmas.
36:01He started two days before.
36:04The 2030 started.
36:05Christmas night at 8 p.m.,
36:07we're still waiting
36:08for the G.D. potatoes
36:09to come out of the oven.
36:11And I was like,
36:11dude, you don't have
36:13to slice every potato
36:14800 times.
36:16His hands are bandaged.
36:18Every cabinet's open.
36:20The dishes are everywhere.
36:21Nobody cleans it.
36:22Nobody cleans up.
36:23Yeah, right, yeah.
36:24So that's me.
36:25And then did he photograph
36:26it and post it online?
36:27No, we ate all of it.
36:28You ate it?
36:29Okay, good.
36:29Yeah, it was actually
36:30very good.
36:31If I'm gonna be honest,
36:33it was very good.
36:33Your stand-up special.
36:35Yeah.
36:35You shot it
36:36in your adopted hometown.
36:37Wait, I gotta look cute.
36:38Okay, there you go.
36:39Now I look like
36:40I'm cosplaying
36:41as Charo on your show.
36:42Okay, go ahead.
36:44Should we get you a guitar?
36:45Koochy-kochy, yes.
36:46Later.
36:47You shot this
36:48in your adopted hometown
36:49of Philadelphia.
36:50Yes.
36:50Which is really...
36:53You feel more at home
36:56in your adopted hometown
36:57now than your actual hometown?
36:59Well, they're nicer to me.
36:59They are nicer to you, yeah.
37:00You did it at the
37:01Helium Comedy Club,
37:02which is one of the great
37:03comedy clubs.
37:04Yeah, and I play
37:05Helium a lot,
37:06a lot of comedy clubs,
37:07but, you know,
37:07I did this 35-plus years.
37:10It's how I got the invite
37:11to come be a star
37:12on my own show
37:13was doing stand-up,
37:14and I never did a special.
37:16I came right out here
37:17and started writing
37:18and creating the show.
37:19I had two kids already.
37:21That's why you don't see
37:21a lot of female comics
37:22with kids out there.
37:23There aren't that many
37:24people that have somebody
37:25to help watch them
37:26and everything.
37:27Right, yeah.
37:27I was back on stage
37:28after I had my daughter
37:29after five weeks,
37:31leaking and incontinent.
37:33It was delightful.
37:34So I really didn't have
37:36the time to do the show,
37:38keep doing stand-up,
37:40and I regret it.
37:41And when I came back
37:42to doing stand-up,
37:43I wanted the special
37:44to be like when you
37:45go to the club
37:46because it's an experience
37:47if you don't do it.
37:48If you don't go see live comedy,
37:49you should because it's really...
37:51Yeah, it's a lot of fun.
37:52It's truth-telling.
37:53It's what's, you know,
37:55you go, you see it.
37:56People are in the dark.
37:57They can laugh.
37:58They can enjoy.
37:59They don't have to, like,
38:00worry about stuff.
38:01There's slightly less judgment
38:03happening.
38:04There's still judgment.
38:05People are a little drunk.
38:06Yeah, exactly.
38:07Your kids now,
38:09as in now that you're,
38:10that they're adults,
38:11do they come along with you
38:12on tour or anything like that?
38:13Well, yeah, I mean,
38:14my son comes with me,
38:16and I, listen,
38:17there's a lot...
38:18Let me have your napkin
38:19real quick.
38:20Oh, yeah, sure.
38:20For some reason,
38:21my, it's cold in here,
38:22so my nose is running.
38:23I'm not doing cocaine.
38:24I can get you a tissue.
38:25Yeah.
38:26You would know.
38:27I'm the last fat actress.
38:28I'm not doing Wagobi.
38:29I'll leave that there
38:30in case you need another one.
38:31I'm doing none of it.
38:32You guys would know
38:33if I do.
38:33I'd come out here
38:34in a size zero,
38:35like, meh.
38:38But, no,
38:39I, the stuff that I talk about,
38:41which is kind of
38:42what I've always talked about,
38:43because when I started it,
38:44we're talking the late 80s,
38:45and it wasn't as popular now,
38:47because all comedy
38:48is funny complaining.
38:49That's what it is.
38:50Seriously,
38:51but if it was your mother,
38:52she's nagging you,
38:53and when it's me,
38:54I get paid for it.
38:55Right, yeah, right.
38:55I don't,
38:56I don't mind doing the same,
38:57it's very popular now
38:59to do Lady Rage,
39:00to talk about the stuff
39:01women are mad about.
39:02All the kids are into it,
39:03it's all over social media,
39:04but I was doing it
39:05back in the day.
39:06Okay?
39:07You were angry
39:07before anyone.
39:08Before it was popular.
39:10I was angry
39:11when I was thin
39:12and popular and cute.
39:13And, and we were,
39:15you know,
39:15it was a,
39:16it was a,
39:18not a thing
39:19that people
39:19necessarily supported,
39:21because back,
39:22way back in the old days,
39:23when women were filled
39:24with rage
39:25and complained
39:26all the time,
39:27they would just
39:27burn us as witches.
39:29So,
39:30now I get a Hulu special.
39:32Oh yeah,
39:32well it's better,
39:33for sure.
39:36You have a broad,
39:37I know we,
39:38you've got the
39:38Abbott Elementary season
39:39finales coming up
39:40later this month.
39:41Yeah, yeah.
39:42And you have an
39:43off-Broadway show
39:45that you are starring in.
39:47Yeah,
39:47so this is like
39:48a pretty auspicious month,
39:49going from
39:50never having done
39:51a stand-up special
39:52and having this premiere
39:53on Hulu on May 15th.
39:55And before that,
39:57we've got
39:58Heather's the musical,
39:59based on that movie
40:00Heather's,
40:01that you guys know, right?
40:05They came to me
40:06and said,
40:06hey, do you want to do,
40:08do you want to step in
40:09and do this role
40:10of Mrs. Fletcher
40:10in the musical?
40:12And not even asking,
40:13did I do musicals
40:15or did I sing
40:16or anything?
40:16And I was like,
40:17yeah,
40:18that's actually
40:18how I started
40:19on stage
40:20was in musicals.
40:22Oh, they didn't know that?
40:22No.
40:22Oh.
40:23No, but when I was
40:24a teenager,
40:24I started...
40:25with irresponsible producers.
40:27Yeah.
40:27It's my favorite kind.
40:29Because I figured this way,
40:30they don't care
40:31if I'm any good.
40:31Did they ask the rest
40:32of the cast
40:33if they can sing?
40:34Because you may be
40:34in trouble with this thing.
40:35Have you started rehearsals yet?
40:37No.
40:37Oh, no.
40:40I'm assuming
40:41that they're all fantastic.
40:43Worst comes to worst,
40:43you make a big pizza again.
40:45I'm going to do that anyway.
40:46You give it to everyone
40:46in the audience
40:47and everyone goes home happy.
40:48I'm going to do that anyway.
40:50Well, it's great to see you.
40:51Aw.
40:52Can I say
40:53when the stand-up comedy
40:54special premieres?
40:56You know what?
40:57What?
40:57I let everybody know
40:58when I came here...
40:59Ooh, my ring.
41:01When I came here
41:02the last time,
41:03we kind of let the cat
41:04out of the bag
41:04and I wasn't supposed to.
41:05Oh, you weren't.
41:06And then you were very sweet.
41:07You were like,
41:07when you have the date,
41:08come back.
41:09So that's why I'm here.
41:10The date is?
41:11May 15th.
41:11May 15th.
41:12On Hulu.
41:12On Hulu.
41:13And Heather's
41:14is April 27th.
41:15Heather's is April 27th.
41:17It was an accident
41:17May 15th on Hulu.
41:19Lisa Ann Walter, everybody.
41:32This is really good.
41:33This is really,
41:34really good, right?
41:35Yeah, it's delicious.
41:36All right.
41:36Well, thanks to Lisa Ann Walter
41:38for making our food.
41:39Thanks to Laura Mace
41:40for sitting in
41:40with Cletus tonight.
41:41Thanks to Jason Segel.
41:42Apologies to Matt Damon.
41:44We ran out of time for him.
41:45But good is tomorrow
41:46with Oscar Isaacs,
41:47Scott Speedman,
41:47and music from Mitski.
41:49Thanks for watching.
41:49Nightline is next.
41:50Good night, everybody.
41:59Thank you, everybody.
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