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00:04:16The point is, Lord Vader, for your crowdsourcing campaign, the upper-level perks we worked so hard on would be
00:04:22useless, sir.
00:04:23Well, Admiral, I do see your point. Terrific. There will be less admin if they do donate.
00:04:30That's true, sir.
00:04:31And you wouldn't have to do the video updates. Most impressive.
00:04:38True, but perhaps maybe I'm just floating an idea here.
00:04:44Maybe you could not tell them that you'll blow up their planet until they donate and then blow the planet
00:04:52up after we've built the new Death Star.
00:04:55Not tell them.
00:04:56Yes.
00:05:00It's not very honest.
00:05:01Well, I didn't think that would be a sticking point for you.
00:05:04Tread lightly, Admiral Nod. The integrity of a Dark Lord of the Sith is unassailable.
00:05:10As it should be, Lord Vader.
00:05:13If I may, your Sithiness, the bigger picture here is getting the bloody money.
00:05:19Obviously, I can't get anyone legitimate to finance another Death Star since the first one was blown up by my
00:05:25own son's one simple torpedo.
00:05:28It's not an easy sell.
00:05:30Well, that's all well and good, sir, but I...
00:05:32It wasn't all that good. He blew the thing up.
00:05:37I'm just trying to avoid any sort of, you know, negative connotation around this latest Death Star while we're trying
00:05:43to raise money. You do understand, Lord Vader.
00:05:46Negative connotation is what we do, Admiral. We are an empire, not an interstellar rotary club. If you want to
00:05:54save some kid with tufts of hair falling out of his head, that's me. Don't let me take this helmet
00:06:00off.
00:06:01We're not building a stupid app. We're building a beautiful Darth Star for Pete's sake.
00:06:08Excuse me, Lord Vader. You just said Darth Star instead of Death Star. Hardly Freudian at all.
00:06:20You've written Darth Star all through there.
00:06:24Darth Star, Darth Star, Darth Star, Darth Star.
00:06:27No!
00:06:49Lord Vader, I know that we are considerably short of your goal of 130 quadrillion credits to build the new
00:06:58Death Star.
00:06:58I understand all too well, Admiral. I understand you're as annoying as that step-and-fetch-it rabbit that nearly
00:07:06destroyed everything during the Clone Wars.
00:07:08Sir, if I may, I think you might be projecting just a bit onto me your frustration.
00:07:13What do you mean?
00:07:15I mean, comparing me to Jar Jar Biggs, that's sort of a low blow. I mean, he's all sort of
00:07:20prat-folly and stupid. Well, I have good diction. I mean...
00:07:26Mr. Horny, Mr. Master, that's not me. I mean, after all, we've been through, sir.
00:07:31Where's that tea you promised a Parsec to go?
00:07:34A Parsec is actually a measure of distance, not time.
00:07:37Hardly important when you don't have tea.
00:07:42Quite right, my lord. Your Buckthornbark tea.
00:07:46For your closed system.
00:07:50Hmm.
00:07:56Hmm.
00:08:02Hmm.
00:08:18Lord Vader, I know you're disappointed by the lack of uptake on the crowdsourcing campaign
00:08:23for the new Death Star.
00:08:24Yes, Admiral.
00:08:26What's the latest report?
00:08:27Well, we are still holding at the sixth...
00:08:32credits.
00:08:33My lord.
00:08:34And how long have we waged this campaign?
00:08:37Over a month.
00:08:39And maybe the whole ten credits get your planet destroyed may have put a bit of a damper on
00:08:45the contributions and sort of kept us at that sort of six-ish level.
00:08:50Who would do that?
00:08:51Six credits doesn't even give you one of the perks.
00:08:54Well, the donations were from one Boba Fett who wished to remain anonymous.
00:09:00Everyone knows he's Boba Fett.
00:09:02What's the point of a mask when everyone knows it's him?
00:09:06Anonymous bullshit.
00:09:07Yes.
00:09:08What?
00:09:08Nothing.
00:09:09Nothing, my lord.
00:09:21Okay, this is probably going to end up looking like one of those paranormal activity videos,
00:09:26but I want to be able to capture the moment without her seeing the cameras.
00:09:30Now, Kim's going to be home any minute now and I'll set up the Ouija board.
00:09:36I don't believe in those things at all.
00:09:38I just kind of, you know, move it around because it makes her happy.
00:09:42Anyway, I'm going to ask the board an important question about us and then BAM!
00:09:47Oh, she's here.
00:09:48She's home.
00:09:49She's home from work.
00:09:50She's home from work.
00:09:51I'm going to go out back and then I'm going to come in the front door like I've never been
00:09:53here before.
00:09:53I mean, today.
00:10:01Oh, my God.
00:10:02Okay, you were right.
00:10:04Scott's going to propose today.
00:10:05I found the ring this morning and then today he called me at my work and he's got this weird
00:10:08elaborate plan with the Ouija board.
00:10:10I don't know.
00:10:11I guess he's going to use that to propose.
00:10:13And yes, I am well aware that it's Scott pushing it around the Ouija board, but come on.
00:10:17I actually just play along because it makes him happy.
00:10:22Oh, my God.
00:10:22Okay, he's here.
00:10:23Gotta go.
00:10:23Bye, bye, bye.
00:10:26I'm home.
00:10:30Hi, honey.
00:10:31Hi.
00:10:32What are you doing?
00:10:33Ah, well, let's get some vino.
00:10:50Cheers.
00:10:50Cheers, my love.
00:10:54Okay.
00:10:56Is there anyone here?
00:11:00Responsive.
00:11:01Certainly.
00:11:05Anything you want to tell us?
00:11:08Oh, very responsive.
00:11:18Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:33Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:37You want to kill me?
00:11:39You want to kill me?
00:11:40You want to kill me?
00:11:43Yes!
00:11:43Yes!
00:11:45Why can't you just say it?
00:11:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:11:50You want to kill me?
00:11:52No.
00:11:53No.
00:11:54No!
00:11:55Will you stop messing with this?
00:11:57This is coming from the heart.
00:11:58Okay, hold on.
00:12:00Okay, hold on.
00:12:00Let's all just calm down.
00:12:02Okay, sorry.
00:12:03All right.
00:12:03Now, oh, mystical creature in the room.
00:12:07Um, okay, what is it that Scott really wants to say to me right now?
00:12:14Okay.
00:12:15Now, here we go.
00:12:18Oh, here we go.
00:12:19Scott.
00:12:20I'm going to assume it's Scott because it knows your name already.
00:12:23Okay, it does, Scott, wants, wants, again, you to be headed.
00:12:40That's not even a complete sentence.
00:12:42What?
00:12:43I am not moving this.
00:12:45Baby.
00:12:45What?
00:12:46Is this why you sleep with knives?
00:12:48No.
00:12:51Yes!
00:12:53No!
00:12:55Okay, what?
00:12:59No.
00:13:03Are you telling me the truth?
00:13:05Yes.
00:13:08Really?
00:13:09Now you're quiet.
00:13:11You think you're so smart.
00:13:13Okay, whoa.
00:13:14Why are you talking to me this way?
00:13:15I am only reading the words that you're spelling out.
00:13:18No, no, no.
00:13:18Okay, fine.
00:13:19Let's do this back in the middle.
00:13:20Okay.
00:13:21Kim?
00:13:22Scott?
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:23I have something that I want to ask you.
00:13:26You do, Scott?
00:13:27Yeah.
00:13:27What is it?
00:13:30Will
00:13:32you
00:13:35M
00:13:36A
00:13:38R
00:13:45Martyr yourself on the cross of Satan?
00:13:47No, I don't know.
00:13:48No, I don't know.
00:13:48No, that's it.
00:13:49No.
00:13:49That wasn't.
00:13:50I gotta go pee.
00:13:51And I'm taking my candles with me and my...
00:13:55But I don't know how to spell martyr.
00:14:04No, I don't know how to pull my candles out of her.
00:14:27in your case I swear I'm not faking it
00:14:40California knows how to party
00:14:45oh super
00:15:00now they said to use a secret not secret not
00:15:04what's the secret not why is it one two and three or do you want to do that
00:15:19okay who are you talking to
00:15:21quiet in here clearly they want privacy
00:15:28cuz it is dark
00:15:32yeah is that you
00:15:36no that's you that's you
00:15:38oh that's you that's you
00:15:43so how does this come into play at the party
00:15:46I don't know how the swing comes into play to be honest but you know what I do
00:15:49you know I fit on it I know you do that's what the splinter is
00:15:52oh
00:15:54thanks for sucking those splinters out
00:15:56you know you can get poison from splinters
00:15:58I've heard that
00:15:59yeah from me
00:16:00you saved my life
00:16:01yeah couple times
00:16:02okay
00:16:03um
00:16:04honey
00:16:05uh huh
00:16:06I think
00:16:07we may have misunderstood the invitation
00:16:09why
00:16:11uh
00:16:11do you see that
00:16:13oh my god
00:16:14do you see
00:16:17that
00:16:17what
00:16:18what
00:16:19what
00:16:20what
00:16:21oh no don't look
00:16:22I'm not looking I'm looking
00:16:23don't look don't look like a hi
00:16:24hi
00:16:24what
00:16:26oh my
00:16:27hi
00:16:29don't
00:16:31until now
00:16:32whoa
00:16:33uh
00:16:33I haven't seen that in person
00:16:36isn't that page 48 or something
00:16:37oh
00:16:38I think
00:16:40um
00:16:40you know what
00:16:41what
00:16:42one thing does bother me here
00:16:43what
00:16:44downstairs why did they make me pay and you get in for free
00:16:47why is that
00:16:48I mean that seems really sexist
00:16:49I'm sorry what
00:16:51oh
00:16:52oh yeah of course
00:16:53thank you
00:16:53yeah somebody's in here
00:16:55yeah you can
00:16:55here honey let me get that for you
00:16:56thank you
00:16:59my
00:16:59um
00:17:00here you go
00:17:01my bag
00:17:02yeah go
00:17:03oh sure sure
00:17:04thank you
00:17:07mm
00:17:10um
00:17:11okay
00:17:12sure
00:17:14what are you doing
00:17:16what are you
00:17:20there you go
00:17:21ah
00:17:21there you go
00:17:23it's kind of cold in here
00:17:25could cut glass with these things
00:17:27all right
00:17:28you've noticed that about you before
00:17:29no
00:17:33windowsill
00:17:34ah yeah
00:17:35mm-hmm
00:17:36I'm liking that
00:17:38I'm sorry what
00:17:39what
00:17:40um
00:17:41I'm not wearing a bra
00:17:45I'm not
00:17:45you can
00:17:46you can tell by the
00:17:48uh
00:17:48Kim
00:17:49what are you
00:17:50what are you doing
00:17:51winning rum
00:17:52oh it's very roman in here
00:17:54I'm uh
00:17:56it actually is
00:17:57it actually is
00:17:58Parthenon
00:17:58here
00:17:59mm
00:18:02what
00:18:03wow
00:18:04um
00:18:05oh
00:18:06fine
00:18:07yeah
00:18:08I can do that
00:18:09yeah
00:18:10that's fine
00:18:11that's good
00:18:16there you go
00:18:18yeah
00:18:19yeah
00:18:22oh
00:18:23oh the
00:18:23oh
00:18:24oh yeah
00:18:25um
00:18:26I can do that
00:18:26I got that eye
00:18:27excuse me
00:18:29your tube sucks
00:18:31yeah
00:18:33his tube sucks
00:18:35yeah
00:18:36can I uh
00:18:38can I just
00:18:38can I keep
00:18:39just the one
00:18:43okay well now you just look ridiculous
00:18:46sorry
00:18:47sorry
00:18:48we're really
00:18:49sorry
00:18:49you can
00:18:50sorry
00:18:52take that
00:18:53where is she going
00:18:54aren't we supposed to tip the cooktop girl
00:18:55excuse us our clothes
00:18:57where'd she
00:18:58uh
00:18:58we're supposed to tip her right
00:19:00yeah
00:19:00actually I don't know
00:19:01you don't have any
00:19:03yeah
00:19:03where to keep a tip
00:19:05I don't know if you noticed
00:19:05but all I have left is the tip
00:19:09let's just keep walking
00:19:10uh
00:19:12I wanted to say this in the elevator earlier
00:19:14but
00:19:15you look really
00:19:16good
00:19:17tonight
00:19:18oh I can tell that you think I look really good tonight
00:19:21in fact there's a growing number of members here who could probably tell
00:19:25that you think I look really good tonight
00:19:28well
00:19:28yeah
00:19:29thank you by the way
00:19:31oh you're welcome
00:19:31that's quite a compliment
00:19:33yeah
00:19:33yeah
00:19:33hey do you think you have snacks
00:19:35um
00:19:36well those aren't finger foods
00:19:38but there's definitely some delicious snacking going on over there
00:19:42and over there
00:19:46okay
00:19:46what?
00:19:47let's just find reverend smith who invited us to a swinger's party
00:19:52what?
00:19:54okay put that away
00:19:55okay
00:19:58later
00:19:58later
00:19:59okay
00:19:59not really later
00:20:01oh yeah
00:20:02no no seriously let's find reverend smith and just kind of make it graceful like that
00:20:05like give an excuse
00:20:05absolutely whatever you want to do
00:20:07okay
00:20:07why would reverend smith invite us to a swinger's party he can't
00:20:11sorry
00:20:12sorry whoa
00:20:12let me see that and the marshmallow
00:20:15oh
00:20:15squishy
00:20:16oh thank you
00:20:17hi how are you
00:20:18great
00:20:19you're fine what reason?
00:20:20um why would he invite us
00:20:21I mean he's married he can't be a swinger
00:20:23what?
00:20:24honey baby
00:20:24what?
00:20:25that's the purpose of like a swingers party
00:20:27it's where like married people come and then they
00:20:30they come?
00:20:32they probably do
00:20:34okay I can see
00:20:35oh you're right
00:20:35gross don't go
00:20:36no
00:20:37wow this is like a Gallagher concert
00:20:40yeah
00:20:40no because you know why they do that
00:20:42why do they do this?
00:20:43no because they show up
00:20:44why did he invite us? he's married
00:20:45show up
00:20:46and then they swap partners with another couple
00:20:49or couples
00:20:51wait a minute now if we're gonna have sex
00:20:54I just thought it would be like you and me
00:20:57what?
00:20:57baby that's not called swinging that's
00:21:01aww
00:21:01that's just called
00:21:06wait whoa
00:21:07whoa
00:21:08is that
00:21:09is that reverend smith over there?
00:21:11I've actually never seen him from that angle
00:21:14wanna go over there?
00:21:16you know I do
00:21:17sure we can do that
00:21:20purely from anthropological standpoints
00:21:23yes of course
00:21:23here we go
00:21:24come on let's go
00:21:25it's like a wild kingdom in here
00:21:26hey sorry
00:21:27oh
00:21:27whoa
00:21:29that is our grocer
00:21:30right there
00:21:32he touches
00:21:33our produce
00:21:35I know
00:21:35hi
00:21:36hi mr wang
00:21:37hi
00:21:37nope don't shake hands
00:21:39or that
00:21:40neither will kim
00:21:41yeah no we're fine
00:21:43we're good nice to see
00:21:44how are the kids?
00:21:45yeah they're doing well in school are they?
00:21:47the rash is clearing up
00:21:49that's good to know
00:21:50yeah
00:21:50i think you want her to touch my produce
00:21:52i think so too
00:21:53i think so too
00:21:55investigate print
00:21:56me
00:21:57oh my god yeah
00:21:58look at this
00:21:59you feel that?
00:22:01i'm like a swing club star
00:22:03break me off
00:22:12where did the third girl go?
00:22:18apparently she goes right there
00:22:22there
00:22:22there
00:22:25and there
00:22:26oh hi
00:22:27oh yeah
00:22:28sorry
00:22:29sure
00:22:30do i want a single used lube?
00:22:34what the?
00:22:35who used it?
00:22:36why
00:22:36why
00:22:37why
00:22:37oh i'm sorry what
00:22:39we're
00:22:41oh single used
00:22:42lube
00:22:42of course
00:22:43lube
00:22:44whoo
00:22:45it scared me there
00:22:46um vanilla?
00:22:48how about vanilla?
00:22:49no
00:22:49how about strawberry?
00:22:51no i'm not a big fan of strawberry
00:22:52mango
00:22:52i like mango
00:22:53but we did mango the other night
00:22:55how about almond butter?
00:22:59no
00:22:59because the almond's gritty
00:23:01oh it is gritty
00:23:01yeah
00:23:02bacon
00:23:04it's good for pork
00:23:05bacon
00:23:08bacon's for breakfast
00:23:10so are you
00:23:11that was a joke
00:23:12yeah
00:23:12we were going to do it before breakfast
00:23:14okay
00:23:14um
00:23:16lingonberry
00:23:20lingonberry
00:23:20we've been talking about lingonberry
00:23:22because i was thinking
00:23:23you know what
00:23:23yeah thank you
00:23:24thanks
00:23:25okay bye bye
00:23:26do you have to pay for
00:23:27where'd she go?
00:23:28where'd she go?
00:23:29i don't know
00:23:31oh
00:23:33behind the door
00:23:33gee
00:23:34shut that door fast
00:23:37okay here's what i want to know
00:23:39why
00:23:39what
00:23:40how come all of these people
00:23:41get to wear masks
00:23:42because i want a mask
00:23:44okay whatever you want
00:23:45i get
00:23:46and the lingonberry
00:23:47i want a mask
00:23:48you know to get the mask
00:23:49you have to be on one of these
00:23:50plastic mats
00:23:53looks like a fur face shield thing
00:23:55yeah
00:23:56well that man's face is busy
00:23:58you go grab those
00:24:04i didn't know
00:24:05no you're gonna have to wash your hands before you touch me
00:24:07that's true
00:24:09however
00:24:10i still wanted to get the mask
00:24:12yeah
00:24:15i got you a big one
00:24:17i've heard that about you
00:24:19yeah
00:24:20now why did we pay for this
00:24:22i mean we can do this in our bedroom
00:24:24yeah
00:24:27we did pay
00:24:28come on
00:24:28yeah let's do it
00:24:53what do you want for dinner
00:24:55hmm
00:24:55i was thinking about that
00:24:57yeah
00:24:57yep
00:24:58but i have decided that
00:25:00today is all about you scott
00:25:03it's your day
00:25:03oh you're cool
00:25:04anywhere you want to go
00:25:05whatever's fine with me
00:25:06okay
00:25:08how about casa de fruta
00:25:09oh god
00:25:11no anywhere but there
00:25:12seriously
00:25:12hate that place
00:25:13uh kim
00:25:14you just said anywhere's fine
00:25:16whatever's fine
00:25:18but not that place obviously
00:25:21duh
00:25:22jeez
00:25:23how do we even know each other
00:25:25look
00:25:26we went there together
00:25:28i know about it
00:25:29because of you
00:25:30i know
00:25:30i know and i didn't want to tell you verbally
00:25:33but i really hated the place
00:25:34but i figured that you would know by how quiet i got
00:25:37you said you had a headache
00:25:39yeah
00:25:40from that place
00:25:43i just like casa de fruta
00:25:45and you said
00:25:47whatever's fine
00:25:48oh my god
00:25:49you are breaking my heart
00:25:50this is killing me
00:25:51i don't even want to play
00:25:54what
00:25:55what
00:25:55just tell me what you're in the mood for
00:25:57i'll pick a place
00:25:59sushi
00:25:59sushi
00:26:00yes
00:26:00after you read me the google articles
00:26:02on high radiation
00:26:04and mercury poisoning
00:26:06and my allergy
00:26:08so uh
00:26:09are you trying to kill me
00:26:10no baby i'm not trying to kill you
00:26:12who would pay for dinner
00:26:15okay
00:26:15okay
00:26:16leaving sushi aside
00:26:18oh
00:26:19monterey may seafood house
00:26:20please please please i love that place
00:26:21please
00:26:22okay again
00:26:23with the seafood
00:26:24okay
00:26:25my throat
00:26:27it seems to be closing up
00:26:28and all of a sudden
00:26:30result in death
00:26:31and tracheotomy
00:26:34on my day
00:26:35yes
00:26:36yes
00:26:37we can't have you
00:26:38having a tracheotomy
00:26:40on your day
00:26:41no
00:26:41so we'll just
00:26:42wrap it
00:26:43you know what i want
00:26:43and you what
00:26:44i want something juicy
00:26:46oh
00:26:47i've heard that about you
00:26:48yeah
00:26:49you know what
00:26:50what
00:26:50steak
00:26:51chuck and esters
00:26:52oh
00:26:52chuck and esters
00:26:55oh
00:26:56greet your name
00:26:58shhh
00:26:58you did that to me earlier
00:26:59you want to do it again
00:27:04oh my god i just got that
00:27:06so you want to
00:27:07no stupid the documentary
00:27:08oh the documentary
00:27:09the documentary
00:27:09oh that
00:27:10you cried like a girl
00:27:11because i thought we'd never have a steak together again
00:27:14look i thought enough time went by there
00:27:16social indignation
00:27:17it's over
00:27:17okay
00:27:18no
00:27:18yeah it's not over
00:27:19it's never going to be over
00:27:20never ever ever
00:27:22wait maybe they're talking about other meats
00:27:23please
00:27:23cambodia meats
00:27:25tibetan llama
00:27:26come on the steak
00:27:28come on the steak
00:27:29at chuck and esters
00:27:30is so juicy
00:27:32no
00:27:33it's not
00:27:33it never will be
00:27:35choose
00:27:36food
00:27:36i want to eat
00:27:37i'm hungry
00:27:38i'm getting grumpy
00:27:39okay
00:27:39indian food
00:27:41burgers
00:27:41foreign
00:27:43yeah
00:27:44because i think the mexican
00:27:46what
00:27:48oh
00:27:48okay
00:27:50el burrito
00:27:52remember
00:27:53el burrito
00:27:54the wait there is 40 minutes i refuse
00:27:58seriously
00:27:58just pick food
00:27:59please
00:28:00pick food
00:28:00okay that i know that you like
00:28:01yes whatever
00:28:02okay that isn't chicken
00:28:03whatever
00:28:04not meat
00:28:04not turkey
00:28:05not seafood
00:28:06not indian
00:28:07not mexican
00:28:08not italian
00:28:09not viking food
00:28:11not fondue
00:28:12not cheeses
00:28:13not various dairy
00:28:14not grains
00:28:15not beans
00:28:16nothing from any of the food groups
00:28:18let me think
00:28:19let me think
00:28:20let me think
00:29:02it's day 763 we're still here
00:29:06no i'm so glad you guys are here for mtv's behind bars
00:29:09finally
00:29:10finally
00:29:10my lawyer told me i would only be here like a month probably
00:29:15it's been a lot longer than that
00:29:17seven hundred days later
00:29:19i'm just grateful for um for my friend here friend of we're friends we're besties this is my
00:29:26we're friends of opportunity really or fop fop
00:29:30opportunity
00:29:31yeah
00:29:31what was last night
00:29:33last night
00:29:34we don't talk about last night
00:29:35i'm talking about last night
00:29:37right now
00:29:38did the kiss mean nothing to you
00:29:42i'm innocent they got me in on trumped up tax evasion charges
00:29:46that's only because they couldn't find the body but i'm innocent
00:29:50not really sure what else you guys want to know about um
00:29:54how long have we actually been here it wasn't a month
00:29:57over seven hundred days as i've said before it's been a long time
00:30:02i even had a spoon and tried to andy dufrane my way out but they found it
00:30:06she had the wrong poster so it wasn't really the same
00:30:08it was superman it was a bad choice i don't know why
00:30:11it was the old superman too it was christopher reeves it wasn't even recent
00:30:16why would you
00:30:18okay first of all christopher reeves is a better superman than the anyway
00:30:22it was just not it didn't have the same andy dufrane kind of feel to it
00:30:27well i just thought if i pretended like i was in a movie then they would finally get it and
00:30:31let us out of here
00:30:32because obviously as my lawyer said i shouldn't still be in here because i didn't do anything
00:30:37there was a black person in here
00:30:40there was a black person
00:30:41there was they threw them out after like a year right
00:30:43why are we still here
00:30:47yeah yeah uh this is prisoner number 13159
00:30:51uh craig sugar mac lewis
00:30:52uh
00:30:54what what else you need
00:30:56oh yeah prison changes a man
00:30:59changes you
00:31:01i used to be a leggy blonde stewardess for air france
00:31:06yeah yeah this feel a little bit too comfortable
00:31:10i'm thinking of doing a mod with the kids call it for this new pong game
00:31:15where you make the the balls a different color
00:31:19not unlike here in prison
00:31:22why are you here
00:31:25i killed a guy but it was self defense so i mean george zimmern did it
00:31:31i i stole limes from the mexican cartel
00:31:36what
00:31:36i was a dare i was i i made a hundred bucks
00:31:41that's like killing a baby
00:31:42what
00:31:43that's how bad that is
00:31:45i you you actually did kill somebody
00:31:48yeah
00:31:49that was once a baby
00:31:50that was self defense
00:31:52and
00:31:53you're disgusting
00:31:54because you stole limes
00:31:57i'm disgusting because i stole limes
00:31:59i don't even i
00:31:59i don't even want to
00:32:01be next to you anymore
00:32:02no i don't want to be next to you
00:32:03i think we're way too close as it is
00:32:04can we can i
00:32:06can i get a new cellmate
00:32:08no
00:32:09no
00:32:09no she can't
00:32:11i mean we've got
00:32:12we've got a cafeteria where it's all you can eat
00:32:15i mean they give you a certain amount and that's all you can eat
00:32:20we had you guys going we had you guys going for a while
00:32:22look at her plate
00:32:22look at this face
00:32:23look at this face
00:32:24look at this face
00:32:25this is my friend
00:32:28tuesday's taco day
00:32:30everybody wants the taco
00:32:33i am often the taco
00:32:41what a lot of people don't know is uh we here i have some significant
00:32:44nuisances in the prison system one of which uh a lot of the games that they give us ain't updated
00:32:49right now we playing sorry and i don't i don't i don't like sorry i never liked it because i
00:32:54feel it is uh it's disingenuous when you go knock somebody's piece off the board and then say sorry and
00:33:00obviously you don't mean sorry and there have been many many instances of this uh the bloodshed over the game
00:33:06and i've told the warden i said we had 37 people die over this game and he gonna tell me
00:33:11how you know it has nothing to do with sorry i said there's a piece embedded in the
00:33:14man skull how do you not know that that has to do with sorry i said uh but yet we
00:33:19still have sorry
00:33:21wait this is what i look like
00:33:25we don't have mirrors in here
00:33:28oh shit
00:33:32uh what's my name
00:33:34uh tommy dinklage
00:33:36aka uh tommy ten fingers
00:33:38i grew up near three mile island i was the only kid in my neighborhood that were born with a
00:33:42full set of hands
00:33:43i mean really what it's all about it's just a bunch of the guys roughhousing you know how bad can
00:33:49that be
00:33:50peanut butter yeah peanut butter i mean who doesn't like peanut butter
00:33:55i made this from the guy in the cell next to me
00:34:01ask me how
00:34:02you know they uh still didn't find the gun i brought in with me
00:34:14so
00:34:15i've tried tunneling my way out of here but they only give me plastic spoons now
00:34:19it takes forever
00:34:22this is how far i've gotten
00:34:25is it because i said your dog's ugly
00:34:28it's because you pooed in your sleep
00:34:29a lot
00:34:31and yesterday was taco tuesday
00:34:34really
00:34:37i
00:34:38imagine being in a locked cell
00:34:41with that
00:34:42and then it's too late
00:34:49i
00:34:57i
00:35:01i
00:35:02i
00:35:04i
00:35:10i
00:35:12i
00:35:16It's Neely, it's Sugar Man, they called me Sugar Man when I was little because I like
00:35:23to put sugar on my pancake and it's something about the sugar that works against the starch
00:35:28of the pancake and sort of explosion of flavors in your mouth and I would suggest that you
00:35:33use the sugar on your pancakes.
00:35:36Now in here they call me Sugar Man for some other reason because sugar can mean kiss and
00:35:41so I've maintained that Sugar Man nickname.
00:35:44Well, an idea that I have here in prison that I would like to institute is etiquette.
00:35:52Right now prison etiquette is not in good shape with communication and how we deal with each
00:35:59other and I am from Connecticut, Smith, educated.
00:36:05No man, I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I honestly didn't mean, you know it's just, it's been
00:36:10a while when you hear that you, you know, you just see people, you don't see nobody
00:36:13with lips like yours.
00:36:15You have their supple, supple lips and those are sort of the things that we value here
00:36:19and I apologize for trying to kiss you, I do, but it was actually both our faults for you
00:36:24getting so close to the, to the, to the cage beast, if you know what I mean.
00:36:27The cage beast, you get coaching the cage beast, cage beast gonna kiss you.
00:36:30That's that, that's the rule of life, that's the rule of the jungle.
00:36:32Caged beast, you get coaching, cage beast kiss you and you got nice lips, but I want, I
00:36:37do want to apologize for, for trying to kiss you and, and, and you might want to get yourself
00:36:40tested.
00:36:41I, uh, was raised with Emily Post, understanding etiquette, Connecticut is where I'm from, etiquette,
00:36:48Connecticut.
00:36:49And, I would like to institute a kind of new etiquette into the prison system.
00:36:55Right now, we communicate with fits and starts, um, it's very much, hi, how are you? Good morning.
00:37:04That's how I like to start my morning.
00:37:06And often times I hear a response, shut the fuck up, bitch!
00:37:10Or I'll hear, I'll say, good morning, how are you?
00:37:13How was your sleep?
00:37:14And I'll say, I'll sleep when I'm dead, motherfucker!
00:37:17And I'm like, wonderful, nice, nice to see you, Sharice.
00:37:22Um, or, nice to see you, uh, Latoya, or maybe.
00:37:28So, I would like to introduce something like, when I hear, I'll fucking cut you, bitch!
00:37:34I say, wonderful initiative.
00:37:38Let's have lunch together.
00:37:40When I was in high school, I was sort of wild.
00:37:42I was a mathlete, and they brought us in mass to a scared straight program, and it was very
00:37:51effective.
00:37:52I woke up every morning thinking, don't go to jail.
00:37:57And at lunch, I think, don't go to jail.
00:37:59At nighttime, I think, don't go to jail.
00:38:01Every day after day, I think, don't go to jail.
00:38:06I might have manifested this.
00:38:09You don't think Pluto is a planet?
00:38:11You're going to tell me Pluto is not a planet, I'll kill you.
00:38:15And I don't, I love people.
00:38:17I love people.
00:38:18People are science.
00:38:19People are walking molecules that get together and decide to be a person for a while.
00:38:23So, it's cool, just educate yourself, or I'll kill you.
00:38:32What do I miss?
00:38:34I don't miss the colors gray and orange.
00:38:36I have an issue as a mid-level Power Ranger with my cellmate.
00:38:42My cellmate's name is Rufus Tintin, and he's going to tell me something about toilet paper.
00:38:48And I said, here's another nuisance for me.
00:38:50Toilet paper is an issue here.
00:38:52We don't have much of it, but I like to be clean, and I use many, many, many rolls.
00:38:58And if I need to, I might use two-ply, I might use one-ply, and he's going to tell
00:39:02me, he asked me, hey, what's wrong with you?
00:39:04And I said, what do you mean, what's wrong with me, and he said, well, I thought he meant
00:39:07because my wife done died, and I had a kill, but he said, he said, what's wrong with you?
00:39:12You've been using a lot of toilet paper.
00:39:13You use 47 sheets of toilet paper.
00:39:14And I said, first of all, what's wrong with you counting a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:19How you going to count a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:20There's nothing wrong with you.
00:39:21I like to be clean, okay?
00:39:23Now, we don't, are you paying for the toilet paper, Crack, Crack, Tintin?
00:39:26Are you paying for it?
00:39:27Are you paying for the toilet paper?
00:39:28Because I don't see me paying for the toilet paper.
00:39:29I use as much toilet paper.
00:39:30I want to use toilet paper.
00:39:32You know, they told you not to come in front of that line, but it's all right.
00:39:35You know, I feel like we could get to know each other better.
00:39:38Come on.
00:39:40It's just so I can touch you.
00:39:43Please?
00:39:44I promise I won't grab your face again like last time.
00:39:47You know, I still, I don't know why I'm in here.
00:39:50You know, I committed, a lot of prisoners will say they didn't commit the crime.
00:39:54I admit I committed it.
00:39:55It was a white collar crime.
00:39:57Yet, I'm locked up in maximum security prison.
00:40:01Now, now, now, white collar crime can mean many different things.
00:40:03At least, I was trying to get that point across to my lawyer.
00:40:06In my instance, white collar crime is, I saw a white man and I tagged on his collar a little
00:40:10bit too much.
00:40:11And then he died.
00:40:12In a nearby truck...
00:40:34Still nothing.
00:40:36Did we wait?
00:40:38Something ain't right.
00:40:40Probably the heat.
00:40:42We should cut bait.
00:40:45I got that feeling.
00:40:47This is a lot of money, Larson.
00:40:49Hell, we could retire.
00:40:51Hell, we could go to Mexico.
00:40:53Go north.
00:40:54We can wait two minutes.
00:40:58It's never late.
00:41:02Yeah, sometimes I get to wondering
00:41:04if there are any other ways you could
00:41:06see what's coming.
00:41:08You know, if I could like
00:41:09put my ear on the track of my life
00:41:11and find out what's in store.
00:41:13They say you never hear the one that gets you.
00:41:15Yeah.
00:41:17Well, I wonder.
00:41:21Check one more time.
00:41:26Nothing.
00:41:30Yeah.
00:41:32You know, my mama used to get so mad at me
00:41:34playing on them train tracks
00:41:35saying I'm gonna get myself killed.
00:41:38Well, here I am.
00:41:41All human things are subject to decay.
00:41:44When fate summons,
00:41:46monarchs must obey.
00:41:49Is that the Bible?
00:41:51No.
00:41:53You think we'll have to pay for our crimes, Larson?
00:41:55I mean, you know, like in the afterlife?
00:41:58I think we're gonna have to pay for them right here.
00:42:01That's two minutes.
00:42:03Check one more time.
00:42:11Good.
00:42:13I hate to break a winning streak.
00:42:18That's funny.
00:42:19I don't feel anything.
00:42:22It don't make no sense.
00:42:23You don't have time for this, Joey.
00:42:25Don't.
00:42:25I ain't joshing.
00:42:29Come feel for yourself, dammit.
00:42:31Good God.
00:42:51go, go, go, go, go.
00:42:56Don't be afraid of me, man.
00:42:57Go, go, go, go.
00:42:58No, do you?
00:43:00Do you think it's okay?
00:43:02Good God.
00:43:03You think it's okay?
00:43:03Good God.
00:43:04You, and I'm,
00:43:04you know,
00:43:04it's all fine to read.
00:43:05You, My Lady,
00:43:06You, my Lord,
00:43:17you, my God...
00:44:20This area, interestingly enough, used to be an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
00:44:29Burial ground, sure.
00:44:30Are you getting any readings?
00:44:31Not at the moment.
00:44:33A proximity thing? Maybe we need to find the right spot?
00:44:36No. No. I'm just not getting anything at all, actually.
00:44:40Is the power on?
00:44:41I guess so.
00:44:46Did you put fresh batteries in it?
00:44:48Batteries?
00:44:48Yes. Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
00:44:53Actually, I thought you were supposed to put batteries in there.
00:44:56Why? It's your invention.
00:44:57Yeah, but I remember that... Remember in the car? I said, do you have batteries?
00:45:01And I said no.
00:45:03You did. You did.
00:45:06So?
00:45:07So we should be getting all kinds of thermographic readings, all off the scale, a lot of it we have
00:45:13to analyze.
00:45:13Hang on there. What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
00:45:18This here?
00:45:19Yes.
00:45:19That's an interesting question.
00:45:21Thank you. Do you have an interesting answer for me?
00:45:23This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
00:45:32A meat thermometer.
00:45:34A meat thermometer that's been heavily modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
00:45:40How is that possible?
00:45:41Well, because psychokinetic energy is a broad spectrum.
00:45:45And you're able to...
00:45:45No! How?
00:45:47Oh, I put on this really cool antenna. See? Right there.
00:45:51And, uh, uh, you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
00:45:55Well, actually, it doesn't, uh, it doesn't need batteries.
00:45:58It doesn't?
00:45:59No. It's a meat thermometer.
00:46:03It's solar powered.
00:46:05Then why are we using it at night?
00:46:13We always do stuff at night.
00:46:16SHUT UP!
00:46:17SHUT UP!
00:46:17And that is for your solar powered meat thermometer!
00:46:44There has been all sorts of documented remarkable phenomenon that's occurred in this very building.
00:46:50Reports of all kinds of visible, and I mean visible to the naked eye, apparitions, objects flying through the room,
00:46:58and frankly, demons.
00:47:02Let's go in.
00:47:22I think it's locked.
00:47:24You do?
00:47:25You did call the manager, didn't you?
00:47:27I thought you were going to call the manager.
00:47:28Did you see me call the manager?
00:47:30Well, it wasn't observable phenomenon, no.
00:47:33That's because I didn't call the manager.
00:47:37Well, why not?
00:47:39Because you were supposed to call the manager.
00:47:41No, I wasn't.
00:47:42He's your brother-in-law.
00:47:45Obviously, you were supposed to call the manager because you wouldn't even give me the number.
00:47:49Because you keep hitting on my sister.
00:47:51That's not relevant right now because we are standing here one room away from...
00:47:57Two rooms away from recording with highly sensitive instruments and HD video.
00:48:03Some of the most dramatic...
00:48:05What's the word?
00:48:07Evidence.
00:48:08Evidence!
00:48:08Evidence of ghost activity inside this very building.
00:48:15Two rooms away.
00:48:16Two rooms away!
00:48:21Why are you pointing at the door?
00:48:22It would be right in there.
00:48:27I think we established that, actually.
00:48:39Second episode.
00:48:42Fuck!
00:48:45Hey!
00:48:46What the hell are you guys doing over there?
00:48:47Wow!
00:48:48Did you hear that?
00:48:51Oh, host!
00:49:10Welcome to Ghost Quest!
00:49:14A retrospective!
00:49:16I'm hunter number one.
00:49:18And I'm hunter number two.
00:49:19And on today's show, we take a look back at...
00:49:23You know what?
00:49:23We probably shouldn't do that.
00:49:25On these shows, they always do that.
00:49:26They always say, we'll take a look back at something, we're going to show you, and then
00:49:29they show you.
00:49:30In keeping with our theme of the unknown shall be found, I think we should boldly go somewhere
00:49:39else, as it were.
00:49:41We should actually tell them something about what they're about to see.
00:49:45Remember what happened when we didn't prepare anyone for the Pacoimba zombie of terror.
00:49:49Oh, yeah.
00:49:49Good point.
00:49:50We got flamed in the emails and comments on that one.
00:49:53Thanks.
00:49:54Oh, and of course there was that thing with the cat.
00:49:56Yes.
00:49:57Yes.
00:49:57Tragic.
00:49:57The Barrowman electrolyzer should not cause swelling of the cerebellum.
00:50:01Not to that extent.
00:50:02Poor, poor Mrs. Schrodinger.
00:50:07It's only fair that we should tell them something about what they're about to see, as it will
00:50:12chill them to the bone with blood-curdling terror.
00:50:16Oh, that's right.
00:50:17Here's an ad from one of our sponsors.
00:50:19That's not what I was talking about, but okay.
00:50:23It's on sale.
00:50:24All of it's sale.
00:50:26I cut off perfectly good leg and put on peg leg.
00:50:29Why?
00:50:29Because I'm crazy.
00:50:31Yeah.
00:50:31Hi-Fi stereo, $49.95, today and yesterday only.
00:50:38Why is $49.95 flashing on screen?
00:50:41Because I pack off leg?
00:50:43No!
00:50:44Because I'm crazy.
00:50:46Are you kidding me?
00:50:47Look at this leg.
00:50:49By two Hi-Fi stereo systems, I throw in two severed heads.
00:50:54Don't be afraid.
00:50:56I'm crazy Ahab.
00:50:58I cut off leg every day to make good price.
00:51:01Have I got the peg leg for you.
00:51:04Cutting everything, including prices, today.
00:51:07Why?
00:51:08Are you kidding me?
00:51:10Because I'm crazy.
00:51:12$19.99, now $8.99.
00:51:14$1.99, gone.
00:51:17$18.95, temporarily $22.95, slashed $22.46.
00:51:23Why?
00:51:24Don't you do it.
00:51:25This leg is mine.
00:51:27Hi-Fi, Walkman, BCR, beeper, gone, and more legs soon.
00:51:34Why?
00:51:35You know why.
00:51:37Because I'm crazy.
00:51:39Ahab.
00:51:39Gee, I hope he doesn't cut off any more of his legs.
00:51:43Ghost Quest, exclamation point, is our ongoing foray into the world of the paranormal, the
00:51:50supernatural, the unexplained.
00:51:53We've been offered many tantalizing glimpses into the world beyond, but few as potentially
00:51:59terrifying as this episode from Season 1.4, The Swing of Doom.
00:52:06So, here it is.
00:52:08The Baldwin Park Swing of Doom.
00:52:12Three hours into our investigation and still no movement from the swing.
00:52:15I fear that this might prove to be a textbook example of the Heisenberg Principle.
00:52:21Historically, the Uncertainty Principle has been confused with a somewhat similar phenomenon
00:52:25in physics known as the Observer Effect, which states that measurements of certain systems
00:52:30cannot be made without affecting those systems.
00:52:33Heisenberg noted this effect at the quantum level.
00:52:36Except that in this particular instance, nothing is happening.
00:52:40Perhaps, as we observe this aluminum alloy rod construct with a magnificent chain-link
00:52:46seat connector built, allegedly, on yet another Chumash Indian burial ground, our mere skepticism
00:52:53has suppressed the very phenomenon we've come to observe.
00:52:56Now, if there were some observable phenomenon, it would look something like this.
00:53:29Without a doubt, one of the most terrifying things we've failed to observe.
00:53:33In this next clip, observe we do.
00:53:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:53:38Yes!
00:53:39Yes.
00:53:41Yes.
00:53:41We observe the ghost droppings of Reptilio Man.
00:53:45In this episode from Season 1.7,
00:53:47The Terrifying Evil of Reptilio Man.
00:53:52Now, even though we're searching for the ghost of Reptilio Man, we are using equipment that
00:53:58attracts a living being.
00:54:00Isn't that a bit like using a dog whistle to attract a fish?
00:54:04Precisely.
00:54:06So, what have you brought that will actually attract Reptilio Man?
00:54:12Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:15Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:17Yes, specifically, trout-fish-scented and crappy fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:22You see, according to eyewitness accounts, Reptilio Man is very dangerous.
00:54:26No one has ever seen him and lived.
00:54:30How does that make any sense?
00:54:32What do you mean?
00:54:32So, did they die eventually, say, 30 years later in their sleep?
00:54:37Or is there some implication that seeing Reptilio Man immediately caused their deaths?
00:54:42Oh, I see your point.
00:54:45And, well, the popcorn.
00:54:54What lies beyond the locket door of death?
00:54:58Indeed, the locked door of death.
00:55:00There are many barriers to the unknown, many gateways left untraveled.
00:55:05And often, the unknown lies in wait beyond the locket door.
00:55:11Here, from the final episode of Season 2.8,
00:55:15The Locked...
00:55:16Locked!
00:55:17Door of Death.
00:55:20Give it me.
00:55:26The Locked.
00:55:27How is it possible for a door to be locked from both sides?
00:55:31You did, however, mention a key.
00:55:33Yes, I did.
00:55:34I mentioned not having a key.
00:55:39Are you sure?
00:55:40Yes!
00:55:41Why would we be standing knee-deep in raw sewage if we had a key?
00:55:46To find the answer?
00:55:48To what?
00:55:49Does standing in raw sewage actually become more unpleasant over time?
00:55:53Now, there's a definite salty tone in your voice I don't much appreciate.
00:55:57Now, I'm not the one who forgot the key.
00:56:00I never had the key!
00:56:02The key never existed!
00:56:03How could you have locked the door without the key?
00:56:06I didn't lock the door!
00:56:08So, you're implying that perhaps some unseen force locked the door?
00:56:18Don't look at me like that.
00:56:19I'm serious.
00:56:20Here's an unseen force for you.
00:56:23Ow!
00:56:31Okay, Thor, our cameraman, requested this one.
00:56:34Our experiences in this investigation had the most far-reaching consequences of any we've encountered thus far.
00:56:41From Season 2.1, The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
00:57:05The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
00:57:15A magnet that would never be made practical.
00:57:18Until now.
00:57:20You wonder what I do when you drop me off after the show because I lost my license?
00:57:24Well, my friend, it's not sitting in front of the computer doing what you think.
00:57:34It's mostly creating the first handheld portable magnet.
00:57:39The South Pole was easy.
00:57:40Oh, it was easy.
00:57:41The mechanism for the magnetic field surrounding the South Pole was many, many vigorous strokes of magnetite on my rod
00:57:47away.
00:57:48But the North Pole, the North Pole eluded me.
00:57:51I had one pole of a magnet invented, but it would be years before I would stop going south and
00:57:57instead turn north, creating a balanced rod of not one, but two poles, north and south, whose attractive force was
00:58:04measurable and real.
00:58:06Real, real, real Spencer, as real as me telling you this now.
00:58:13That's some wild, unprovable flight of fancy like those of James Clerk Maxwell.
00:58:20No, this was a magnet.
00:58:23Real, metal and I, I alone created it.
00:58:26It was me, Spencer.
00:58:28It was me all along.
00:58:33But that's not all, no!
00:58:36That's not enough!
00:58:37With truly powerful forces at work in my fevered brain, I created this extraordinarily powerful electromagnet, producing a magnetic field
00:58:48of 10 to the 11th Gauss.
00:58:50Wait, don't you think that's a bad idea?
00:58:52Ha!
00:59:01You guys didn't drop this in a black hole, did you?
00:59:04I can assure you that that camera has not been dropped into a black hole.
00:59:10No black hole.
00:59:15Or expose it to an extraordinarily powerful electromagnet?
00:59:19Uh, well, what do you mean?
00:59:22Oh, like magnitude Gauss times 10 to the 10th, 10 to the 12th.
00:59:27Kind of like the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:30I swear that that equipment has not been on the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:36We are not lying.
00:59:38We wouldn't lie to you.
00:59:39Or the manufacturer.
00:59:41Not lying.
00:59:48Wouldn't lie.
00:59:51Okay.
00:59:54You gonna want the spoon back?
00:59:56I'm afraid I do.
00:59:58Sure.
01:00:10The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
01:00:13It was me.
01:00:15All along.
01:00:18Regrettably.
01:00:22That's it for Ghost Quest Retrospective Number 1.0.
01:00:26Subscribe to this channel for more episodes.
01:00:28Let us know what you'd like to see George Flattman and Spencer Billingsley investigate next.
01:00:33Follow us on Twitter at Ghost Quest Show, Facebook, and your nearest Ouija board.
01:00:40Spencer, there's a problem with the barren and electrolyzer.
01:00:43To be continued.
01:01:11This could very well be some of the most terrifying footage we've ever recorded.
01:01:17The readings are off the scale.
01:01:20Put that down. We don't want to screw this up.
01:01:24There it is. There it is. Slender Man.
01:01:27In those trees. Look!
01:01:28It appears to not see us, but there is Slender Man. You're getting this right?
01:01:32Oh, I see it!
01:01:33No! On the camera!
01:01:35It's rolling, and uh...
01:01:37What? What?
01:01:37There are fresh batteries in the camera.
01:01:40This time.
01:01:40Why is the viewfinder black?
01:01:43It's night time.
01:01:44The lens cap is on!
01:01:45Wait, he's moving!
01:01:46Okay, he's moving, he's moving.
01:01:48The lens cap is on! Take it off!
01:01:50But we'll miss him!
01:01:51Do it!
01:01:57Ah, fuck!
01:02:02Slender Man was right over there.
01:02:20So, as we were filming, it occurred to me that Slender Man, you know, much like a vampire, I couldn't
01:02:28see him through the viewfinder. You know, I could see him, you know, directly, obviously, with my own eyes. And,
01:02:35wow!
01:02:37I mean, I wish that you could've, uh, but of course I couldn't see Slender Man through the viewfinder. It's
01:02:47only logical.
01:02:49So, apparently, the trees, the bushes, the buildings, and the street lights are all vampires because they don't register in
01:03:00the viewfinder either. Remarkable.
01:03:03I won't, uh, pull any punches here. Spencer was angry. I think it's called a, a rage spiral.
01:03:11I'm a vampire! I must be a vampire! This is a vampire! See this? This is a vampire! You're a
01:03:20vampire!
01:03:22If you're going to have any kind of real scientific integrity, like we do, you have to open yourself up
01:03:30to criticism, to a kind of studied scrutiny of your methods, uh, and your conclusions.
01:03:36George is an idiot!
01:03:39Shooting this kind of phenomenon is a real crapshoot. Especially when we're involved.
01:03:50You're a vampire! You're a vampire! You're a vampire!
01:03:57Day one of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:05As of 1637 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:17Day four of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:24As of 1322 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:35Day ten of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:42As of 1509 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:53Day three of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:01Day three of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:19Day 18 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:27As of 1714 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:57Hello, I'm Spencer Billingsley.
01:05:59And I'm George Flatman.
01:06:01Welcome to Ghost Quest.
01:06:03We're standing outside Our Lady of Perpetual Juxtaposition Cemetery in Rosebead, California,
01:06:09where there have been numerous sightings of a terrifying apparition that local residents
01:06:14have come to refer to as the evil flaming skull of Corey Clemo.
01:06:19Indeed, part of the challenge of this type of investigation is the fact that there is
01:06:24no artificial lighting in the cemetery and the nearest street light is like half a mile
01:06:29away. Visibility to the unaided eye is essentially zero.
01:06:34That's why we've come armed with some formidable technology. These are the latest generation
01:06:41night vision goggles or NVGs. The imaging circuitry in these glasses is so advanced that placing
01:06:48a single candle on the 50 yard line of an otherwise pitch black football field can render the entire
01:06:55field bright as day. Now, needless to say, it's very important to avoid looking directly into
01:07:00any high intensity light sources.
01:07:02Well, I didn't want to be cut out of any cutting edge technology.
01:07:06What do you have here?
01:07:07Well, this is the Hexalume MF9200 and that is a portable high intensity LED floodlight. Now,
01:07:17it provides a three hour burn with a single strontium sulfide rechargeable battery that is no bigger
01:07:24than a bar of soap.
01:07:26That's impressive. What's the output?
01:07:28Well, for this baby, these dual quad emitters produce light equivalent to a 10,000 watt halogen bulb.
01:07:39Here, take a look.
01:07:40No, don't!
01:07:49Hello, I'm George Flattman of Flattman Laboratories. Today, we're going to take a first look
01:07:54at the model MM5 multi-phasic magnetometer. Now, this baby's been subjected to some of the most
01:08:01rigorous testing and we are confident that it will hold up under the most demanding field use
01:08:07and provide the highest level of performance on the test bench. Bulletproof is the operational term
01:08:14for the MM5.
01:08:34Hello, I'm George Flattman of Flattman Laboratories and today, we're going to take a look at the model
01:08:39MM5 Mark II improved multi-phasic magnetometer. Now, this baby has been subjected to all kinds
01:08:48of rigorous tests, including the vibration test and computer modeling, and we are confident that
01:08:54she'll be able to provide some of the finest in field performance and the highest level of performance
01:09:00right here on the test bench. Even more bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5 Mark II.
01:09:29Step 16. Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing and close the casing manifold by pressing the
01:09:39three tabs back into the slot while holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:44Okay. Okay.
01:09:45Okay.
01:09:46Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing.
01:09:50Close the casing manifold. Three tabs are in, holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:58Okay, here. And we've got step 17.
01:10:01Uh, seal the assembly with fifteen eight-millimeter bolts, moving clockwise, beginning from position four.
01:10:09Why position four?
01:10:11It's a procedure. I mean, we've done extensive computer modeling at Flattman Laboratories.
01:10:16So now you're calling your mother's basement Flattman Laboratories?
01:10:24My mother has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
01:10:30Okay, fifteen bolts. Fifteen bolts.
01:10:35Fifteen bolts.
01:10:36Do you want to do four?
01:10:37Yeah, four seems better.
01:10:45There we go.
01:10:49Next step.
01:10:50Next step.
01:10:51Turn on the heating elements and the argon gas and don't open for 42 hours.
01:11:00Okay.
01:11:01Okay.
01:11:03Now, place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:10Excuse me?
01:11:11Yep.
01:11:12Place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:15That's step one.
01:11:16That's step one?
01:11:19Yeah.
01:11:20How are we going to test it without, you know, placing it in the device?
01:11:23Nice.
01:11:24How are we going to place it in the device when we just spent two hours sealing the device?
01:11:29Well, obviously, I said, put the sample in the device first.
01:11:34I know I said that. I did say that.
01:11:38I said that.
01:11:39No, you didn't.
01:11:40No, I must have. Probably.
01:11:43No.
01:11:44Probably.
01:11:44You didn't.
01:11:45You were going on about extensive computer modeling at Flattman Laboratories.
01:11:48Yes!
01:11:49Extensive computer modeling at Flattman Laboratories.
01:11:59I have a question for you.
01:12:01Sure.
01:12:03Why does the test procedure begin with step two and end with step one?
01:12:11Hmm.
01:12:13That's...
01:12:17I don't need to ask my mother.
01:12:23I'm going to hang on to this until...
01:12:25Mom!
01:12:33Yeah, and frankly, we're going to get PK readings and electrothermic readings that are just off
01:12:38the scale.
01:12:39This entire area, this area, actually here.
01:12:41This area, interestingly, was once an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
01:12:46Burial ground.
01:12:47Sure.
01:12:47So, you getting any readings?
01:12:49Not at the moment.
01:12:50It's a proximity thing.
01:12:52Maybe we need to find the right spot?
01:12:55No.
01:12:56No, I'm just...
01:12:57I'm not getting any readings at all, actually.
01:12:58Is the power on?
01:13:00I guess so.
01:13:03Did you put fresh batteries in it?
01:13:05Batteries?
01:13:06Yes.
01:13:07Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
01:13:10Yeah.
01:13:11Actually, I thought you put the batteries in it.
01:13:13Why?
01:13:14It's your invention.
01:13:15Yeah, but I remember in the car, I said to you, do you have any batteries?
01:13:18And I said no.
01:13:21You did.
01:13:22You did.
01:13:23So?
01:13:24So, the kind of thermographic readings, this thing, we're going to have off scale.
01:13:28There's going to be so much data that we have to digest and analyze, it's frankly going
01:13:32to take months just to get this out.
01:13:34Hang on there.
01:13:35Hold on.
01:13:37What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
01:13:40This?
01:13:41This here?
01:13:42Yes.
01:13:43That's an interesting question.
01:13:45Do you have an interesting answer for me?
01:13:47This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
01:13:56A meat thermometer.
01:13:58A meat thermometer that's been highly modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
01:14:03How is that possible?
01:14:08Well, psychokinetic energy is really a broad spectrum.
01:14:11No.
01:14:12How?
01:14:15Well, I put this really cool antenna on it.
01:14:17I don't know if you can see that, but that's...
01:14:19And, uh, you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
01:14:24Actually, it doesn't need batteries.
01:14:25It doesn't?
01:14:26No.
01:14:27It's a meat thermometer.
01:14:30Solar power.
01:14:35Then, why are we using it at night?
01:14:45We always do stuff at night.
01:14:49And that is for your solar-powered meat thermometer!
01:15:11And now, here is the weather as it has been foretold.
01:15:18Well, it looks like another rough week in the Holy Land.
01:15:22Let's take a look at the scrolls.
01:15:25It shall be fire and brimstone in Hebron, with scattered thunderbolts down there in Tarsus.
01:15:32A plague of locusts shall be coming in from the southeast.
01:15:36They should be in Sodom by about noon tomorrow, so be sure to wear a hat.
01:15:42The four-day prophecy, the four-day forecast for Gomorrah, is two days.
01:15:49Now, let us divine the temperatures.
01:15:52In Jerusalem it shall be hot.
01:15:56In the Bethlehem areas it shall be very hot.
01:16:02And in the valley of Megiddo ye shall seek the cover of a large rock.
01:16:06As a pillar of fire is touched down near a mini-market.
01:16:10A pillar of salt likely upon direct viewing.
01:16:13And the love of many shall wax cold.
01:16:16In the south of Egypt a nasty spell going on there of 19 days.
01:16:21Of frogs, followed by lice, flies, locusts on Thursday.
01:16:27More locusts.
01:16:28And a small river of blood flood warning in the Nile areas.
01:16:33Coming from the south-southeast, leprosy.
01:16:37Coming from the north-northwest, leprosy.
01:16:41Looking to the coastal areas now, a thick darkness shall lay upon the face of the land on Friday.
01:16:47With a 99% chance of the death of all firstborn.
01:16:51Egypt, not a good vacation choice this long weekend.
01:16:57In the Mediterranean now, a low pressure front brought in by almighty winds.
01:17:02We shall see forty days and forty nights of rain.
01:17:06Followed by widespread flooding.
01:17:08As we see the continued effect of El Nino.
01:17:12And speaking of El Nino, birthday wishes.
01:17:15For today a child is born.
01:17:17Today a child is given.
01:17:19For today Joseph begat Jesus.
01:17:23So be sure to set your calendars back to zero.
01:17:26That is the weather, as it has been prophesized.
01:17:30Is this divine retribution?
01:17:34Right, you brought that on yourself.
01:17:38There's always one, isn't there?
01:17:40There's always what you saw in.
01:17:42Right.
01:17:43Now, sports!
01:18:12It's not cold.
01:18:36It's not cold.
01:18:56If this sentence were in Chinese, I would be saying something else.
01:19:02I speak of the Chinese language merely because of my brief and tempestuous marriage to a
01:19:09woman from the Manchu province of China.
01:19:12It's very lonely down in the mines, so I signed up for the LonelyPillockDatingService.com via
01:19:20the internet.
01:19:21In case you haven't heard of it, the internet is a complex global web of interconnections
01:19:27that allows me to receive my junk mail instantly.
01:19:33Through the LonelyPillockDatingService.com I clicked on a button marked women and to
01:19:39my surprise, for only six months' pay, plus postage and handling, I immediately found
01:19:45my soulmate, who was, as I feared, in China.
01:19:52They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so I sent her a picture of Pierce Brosnan.
01:19:57It was the longest letter I ever wrote.
01:20:02For her, it was love at first sight.
01:20:05Unfortunately, she saw me again a few times after that.
01:20:10You see, she arrived via what's now called snail mail.
01:20:15Snail mail, I am happy to report, is not mail delivered by garden-dwelling mollusks.
01:20:21This I learnt the hard way, after many hours sitting in my garden, waiting.
01:20:42You see, she arrived via postman, my snail mail, all the bride did.
01:20:46He was about six foot tall, looked to be seven when I first saw him, with dark wavy hair.
01:20:53And he smiled a lot.
01:21:04She was about five foot tall, and she smiled a lot too, at first.
01:21:30After a few months, I noted with interest that neither of us understood what the other
01:21:36one was saying.
01:21:37Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:39I have encouraged you to learn English.
01:21:43Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:45Sorry, didn't catch a word out there.
01:21:48Dirty man!
01:21:49Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:51Again, not getting it.
01:21:55I know you're fine.
01:21:57Bad husband!
01:21:59What you getting?
01:22:01A little more clarity, I'm not going to be wicked on that.
01:22:14Sorry, I'm not catching a word out there.
01:22:17I was dismayed.
01:22:19So I rang them up.
01:22:20I said, hello, what's wrong with her?
01:22:28I'm sorry, I thought you were going to say something.
01:22:33I am dismayed.
01:22:35She has all her parts.
01:22:37Can she be returned?
01:22:38Oh yes, that's intact as well.
01:22:42They told me that she was a miner, and that I shouldn't tell anyone.
01:22:47I said, I'm a miner too, and proud of him.
01:22:50They said loving a miner is illegal.
01:22:53Proper people shouldn't do it.
01:22:55They hung up.
01:22:56That's why all these lovely ladies have been avoiding me all these years, because I'm a
01:23:02miner.
01:23:03You see, I learnt from my incomprehensible pride that language is a tricky thing.
01:23:08Some say, the language barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:12The language barrier cannot be broken, they would say to me, and then walk away before
01:23:17I could say anything.
01:23:18Happens every day.
01:23:19But that's what they said about sound too, wasn't it?
01:23:22They said, the sound barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:25Yet, thanks to the efforts of American test pilot Chuck Yeager, you are hearing me now.
01:23:34Of course, breaking the language barrier can be a dangerous thing.
01:23:37Like the Spanish language.
01:23:39In all its subversive phrases, like, buenos tardes.
01:23:43Buenos tardes, you hear them say.
01:23:45Which means, of course, it's good to be tardy.
01:23:48Go down the mine, go in late.
01:23:50You say, buenos tardes to them.
01:23:52He says, you're tardy.
01:23:53That's not buenos.
01:23:54Get out.
01:23:56Yes, the Spanish language could render sunder the very fabric of society.
01:24:01Send the earth hurling off into the oceans.
01:24:04And I'm not giving to exaggeration.
01:24:06No.
01:24:07I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
01:24:11You see, in the spring, the postman movingly told me that my snail mail order bride had come
01:24:18of age.
01:24:19Unfortunately, it was the Bronze Age.
01:24:21All I had was an iron.
01:24:23And that she had to go back with him now.
01:24:26I knew he had to be right.
01:24:27I knew he spoke her language.
01:24:29Because I could hear them giggling away the hours in my bedroom.
01:24:33Every day around 11am when he came by to deliver his package.
01:24:40You see, I wish I was the Chuck Yeager of languages.
01:24:43Breaking the language barrier so everyone could understand everyone else instantly.
01:24:48I think the world would be a much nicer place if we did.
01:24:51But whereas some might drink from the fountain of knowledge, I merely gargled.
01:25:01Well, that's the last statement I shall make on breaking the sound barrier.
01:25:05In fact, that's the last statement I shall make.
01:25:10No.
01:25:11I was wrong.
01:25:18Didn't catch your game.
01:25:24Harry, did you find any coal?
01:25:30It's still not coal?
01:25:32It's still not coal.
01:25:35Ow.
01:25:39Ah.
01:25:40Helpless.
01:25:41Not wheat.
01:25:51But wenigstens.
01:25:51But I haven't experienced a couple of kilometers.
01:25:51Getting a little more and better, we hope that will connect remove jamais change for each other.
01:25:52You
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