- 2 days ago
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00:02:38You cut his ear.
00:02:39You cut my husband's ear.
00:02:41Why don't you watch what you're doing instead of trying to pick up women?
00:02:44I'm not.
00:02:45I mean, what woman would want you anyway?
00:02:47A barber with no looks and no money?
00:02:49Forget it, Romeo.
00:02:50Romeo, you're a loser.
00:02:51No, sir.
00:03:13Big baby!
00:03:15I like your style.
00:03:20when did they let you out oh just yesterday so you haven't lost your touch oh hey come on over
00:03:27later for a few beers i'm staying at my mother's i don't think so i'm gonna go check out this
00:03:31new
00:03:32singles join a here that is loaded with women
00:04:05oh
00:04:13oh
00:04:40Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:04:47Vic, baby.
00:04:50Oh, yeah. Hi, John.
00:04:51Is it okay if I still come over tonight?
00:04:54Sure, but give me an hour.
00:04:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:05:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:05:02Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:05:17oh, oh.
00:05:18Hi, Don.
00:05:20Hi, Vic.
00:05:22Hey, we've got to keep quiet.
00:05:23My mother's asleep.
00:05:32Want a burger?
00:05:34No.
00:05:36Yeah, I can't stay long.
00:05:38I have to get up early.
00:05:39My landlord kicked me out this morning.
00:05:43What are you doing?
00:05:44Taking the meat out.
00:05:46So tell me about that great singles bar, Vic.
00:05:49You struck out, didn't you?
00:05:51Hey, just look at my scrapbook.
00:06:02You know, Don, you should wear red.
00:06:05It makes you look almost like the devil.
00:06:08Almost, Vic.
00:06:09Almost?
00:06:11Victor, I am the devil.
00:06:15Since when does the devil live with his mother?
00:06:18Ah.
00:06:19So why'd your landlady toss you out?
00:06:23Ah, same thing as last time.
00:06:26Money.
00:06:27Victor, my boy, I'm afraid you're going to be poor all your life.
00:06:31Why?
00:06:32Because you have no plans.
00:06:35Oh, yeah, I suppose you do?
00:06:36You bet your ass I do.
00:06:38Okay.
00:06:39What are your plans?
00:06:41Contests.
00:06:43Life is one big contest.
00:06:46I've entered 71 of them so far this year.
00:06:49I figured for law of averages, sooner or later, you've got to win.
00:06:53You know, there's probably still hope for you, Victor.
00:06:56I figure you've got to find yourself a rich broad.
00:06:59Forget the romance.
00:07:01It doesn't last.
00:07:03The only thing that lasts is the money.
00:07:08Money.
00:07:09Money.
00:07:11Money.
00:07:13Money.
00:07:14Money.
00:07:15Money.
00:07:16Money.
00:07:16Money.
00:07:19Money.
00:07:20Money.
00:07:21Money.
00:07:29Money.
00:07:31Money.
00:07:32Money.
00:07:33Money.
00:07:33Money.
00:07:33Money.
00:07:33Money.
00:07:34Money.
00:07:35Money.
00:07:35Money.
00:07:36Money.
00:07:37Money.
00:07:37Money.
00:07:39Money.
00:07:39Money.
00:07:40Money.
00:07:55Yes, the room's still available, and it's only a block from Quincy Adams' grave.
00:08:25You're not a smoker, are you?
00:08:29No.
00:08:32Wonderful. I'm Thelma Marshall. Won't you come in?
00:08:37Okay.
00:08:38Okay. I'm Victor Hertz. It certainly looks like a nice neighborhood.
00:08:45Well, it's not. Let me show you the room. You know, sometimes it gets darned lonesome.
00:08:54You're not a smoker, are you?
00:08:58So here you can see Montmartre and all the little French cafes. It takes me back a long time.
00:09:08Well, what do you think? I'm asking $35 and not a penny less.
00:09:14But you can have it for $24.
00:09:17But first, let me tell you the rules.
00:09:21No smoking, no girls in the house, and no telephoning after 10 p.m.
00:09:27If you can observe these rules, I'll rent you the room tomorrow.
00:09:35What about tonight?
00:09:37I never do any business on Friday, young man. It's bad luck.
00:09:43Well, the rules are fine, but how will I sleep tonight?
00:09:48Well, you can sleep on the couch, and when you've been here a month, I'll have a key maze for
00:09:52you.
00:09:53It's leaking.
00:09:53Oh, is it?
00:09:57If you're the gentleman I think you are, I'll stay up and have a drink with you one night.
00:10:02But no getting any ideas. I'm very old-fashioned in some ways, you know.
00:10:09I'd better unload the car.
00:10:11And for one thing, I don't agree with premarital relations, not unless a couple is engaged.
00:10:19I'll unload the car?
00:10:21All right, and I'll fix the couch for you.
00:10:28Victor?
00:10:30Victor?
00:10:34Do you think I could pass a 60 or a 65?
00:10:43Yeah. Why not?
00:10:46Oh, thank you, Victor. I'm nearly 74.
00:11:01Victor, I do hope I can relax around you.
00:11:06I always dress like this at night.
00:11:09Would you like another drink?
00:11:13Well, I'm kind of tired.
00:11:17Maybe another time.
00:11:24Okay, maybe one more?
00:11:52Find out how much money she had.
00:11:54No, not yet.
00:11:55You know, maybe we should try someplace else, you know. I've never ever been lucky around here.
00:12:01Hello, cutie pie.
00:12:04You're cute.
00:12:05Well, come on over and I'll buy you a drink.
00:12:07All right.
00:12:13He's a little honest shite.
00:12:17Victor?
00:12:18Victor?
00:12:20Victor?
00:12:21Victor?
00:12:22Victor?
00:12:24Victor?
00:12:25Victor?
00:12:25Victor?
00:12:28What are you waiting for?
00:12:40What are you doing?
00:12:41I'm just trying to think of something to say.
00:12:44Victor?
00:12:45Nothing sadder than a witty jerk.
00:12:47Just buy her a drink.
00:12:57I'm just trying to think of what's going on.
00:12:58I'm just trying to think of the way.
00:13:02I'm just trying to think of something I'm looking at.
00:13:05I'm just trying to think of what you want to do.
00:13:08Oh, God.
00:13:14I'm just trying to think of what you want to do.
00:14:48Oh, I'm sorry, Victor, but it might spoil our friendship.
00:14:53You know what they say about lending money to a friend?
00:14:57Yeah, but I thought that I was a special friend.
00:15:00Oh, so you are.
00:15:02And I've got a nice surprise for you.
00:15:04A surprise?
00:15:05I've made you a key.
00:15:17Thanks.
00:15:18I don't want it.
00:15:20Why not?
00:15:25Because I'm moving out.
00:15:54I don't want it.
00:15:57Thelma?
00:16:13Excuse me.
00:16:14Could you tell me how Thelma Marshall is?
00:16:16Someone will be right with you.
00:16:20Dr. Forrest, please dial 118.
00:16:25Are you with Mrs. Marshall?
00:16:28Excuse me.
00:16:29Are you with Thelma Marshall?
00:16:40Yeah.
00:16:41Well, she's going to be all right.
00:16:47She must mean a lot to you.
00:16:48You'll never know how much.
00:16:54What's your name?
00:16:56Victor.
00:16:58Hello, Victor.
00:17:00I'm Betty.
00:17:07Look, there's nothing you can do here.
00:17:13Sweet of you to drive me home.
00:17:16Oh, that's all right.
00:17:17We both had a long day.
00:17:20What's wrong with your car?
00:17:23Uh, it's, uh, not mine.
00:17:26Belongs to a friend.
00:17:29Oh.
00:17:33You know, your landlady's lucky you were there when she passed out.
00:17:39She might have died.
00:17:42You mean that I saved her life?
00:17:44That's what the doctor said.
00:17:45Huh.
00:17:46How about that?
00:17:48If it had been anybody else other than Thelma, I probably would have gotten a reward.
00:17:54Just be glad you could help, Victor.
00:17:56It's not every day we can save someone's life.
00:17:59I thought you were compassionate.
00:18:01I am, uh, very passionate.
00:18:05Huh.
00:18:10Will you go out with me tomorrow night?
00:18:14Would you go to church with me on Sunday?
00:18:20Agreed.
00:18:25And stop worrying about your landlady.
00:18:27She'll be home in no time.
00:18:39I'm sorry that I got angry with you.
00:18:41That, uh, it was a good thing I was there to, uh, save your life, huh?
00:18:45Thank you, Victor.
00:18:47And now I'm going to do something nice for you.
00:18:50Oh, no, you don't have to do anything nice for me.
00:18:52I'm just glad that you're coming home.
00:18:57What are you, what are you going to do for me?
00:18:59Well, from now on, Victor, you'll need not pay any rent.
00:19:04And you can stay in my house as long as you want.
00:19:08No, that's not what I want.
00:19:11Well, what do you want, Victor?
00:19:14Cash.
00:19:16Oh, no, I, I, I couldn't do that.
00:19:19Now, you do realize that I did save your life?
00:19:23Twenty dollars?
00:19:24You know, if I hadn't called that ambulance, you'd probably be dead right now.
00:19:30How much?
00:19:32Uh, four thousand dollars.
00:19:36Oh, Victor, why don't you take the free rent?
00:20:02A hundred dollars.
00:20:04Where are you going?
00:20:06I'm leaving.
00:20:31You'll fix everything in the house that one's fixing.
00:20:37Yeah.
00:20:39And you'll be in by 10 p.m. every night.
00:20:43Uh-huh.
00:20:45And you'll pay me back a hundred dollars a month plus the rent.
00:20:50You got a deal, sweetie.
00:21:05Oh, stop it!
00:21:07You're making me dizzy.
00:21:10Do you want to kill me so you don't have to pay the money back?
00:21:16Don't call Saul, make up the car.
00:21:18Saul, I love you!
00:21:19It takes me as well.
00:21:29So you're making me again.
00:21:38I love you.
00:21:39I love you.
00:21:39It's good.
00:21:40It's good.
00:21:40It's good.
00:21:41It's good.
00:21:42I love you.
00:21:45It's good.
00:21:55It's a score, Vic.
00:21:57Not the big time yet, but it's a score.
00:21:59You know, if we do this right, we can make out real good.
00:22:03Do what right?
00:22:05You get her to make out a will, leaving everything to you.
00:22:07Uh-huh.
00:22:08And then what, we kill her?
00:22:09No, we don't kill her.
00:22:11Just make sure she gets the flu or something.
00:22:14That's nice.
00:22:15And you want, uh...
00:22:1825%.
00:22:19Well, I think that that has possibilities, Don, but I would like to name the percentage, and I think it
00:22:24should be 10%.
00:22:26Okay.
00:22:27I'm not greedy.
00:22:35Do you need a fishing license for your car?
00:22:38Uh, not unless you want to fish.
00:22:40But it's red, and it's got propellers, and you have to make sure the doors are closed.
00:22:46It's a beautiful car, Victor.
00:22:48But wasn't that generous of Thelma, lending you all that money?
00:22:52Uh, yeah, well, some people are like that.
00:22:54Besides, she's probably grateful for me saving her life and all, you know.
00:22:58Uh, uh...
00:23:02Isn't this lovely, Victor?
00:23:04It's so...
00:23:06Chinese.
00:23:09Yeah, uh...
00:23:11Customers.
00:23:18So, what do religious girls do?
00:23:21Just like other girls.
00:23:23We like to walk on the beach, we like to go for picnics, and we like to screw.
00:23:33Uh...
00:23:34Uh...
00:23:35Uh...
00:23:36Uh...
00:23:37Uh...
00:23:37Uh...
00:23:38Uh...
00:23:38Uh...
00:23:38I didn't mean to shock you.
00:23:40It's just that some fellows get the wrong idea when they find out you're religious.
00:23:45I just didn't want you to lose interest, that's all.
00:23:53See, I was married once, and I got used to sex, and I enjoy it.
00:23:58I'm a good Christian, but I can't hide my feelings.
00:24:02Does that make sense?
00:24:05Yeah, sure, not only that, it gives you a good reason to go to church.
00:24:10Victor, that's not a fingerball.
00:24:15Ow!
00:24:16Ow!
00:24:17Ow!
00:24:18Ow!
00:24:19Okay.
00:24:25Ow!
00:24:27Ow!
00:24:28Ow!
00:24:33Ow!
00:24:39Ow!
00:24:44Ow!
00:24:45Ow!
00:24:47Ow!
00:24:51Ow!
00:24:57Ow!
00:25:01Are we ready?
00:25:22Victor, you mean you're just going to sit around and wait for that poor old woman to die?
00:25:30Is money really that important to you?
00:25:32No, not to me, but it is to everybody else. They won't do anything for me unless I give them
00:25:38money.
00:25:40You don't have to give me any money.
00:25:45You know, I like you, Betty.
00:25:59I like you a lot.
00:26:04Great. That's a hell of a response. That's just great.
00:26:07I'm sorry. It was the ketchup.
00:26:10I heard you, and I'm glad.
00:26:21You know, you're not supposed to put ketchup on Chinese food.
00:26:42I want my money back.
00:26:47I want my money back. You haven't kept your promise, and I want my money back.
00:26:54Who have you murdered?
00:26:56Velma, it's late. I have to get up early tomorrow. We'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?
00:27:02For tomorrow's Sunday. Why'd you have to get up so early?
00:27:06Because I am going to church.
00:27:09But that's not good enough. I want my money back.
00:27:37I want my money back.
00:27:42I want my money back.
00:27:53Well, that wasn't so bad, was it?
00:27:55No, I liked a nice sermon.
00:27:59Hello, partner.
00:28:01Well, if it isn't the alcoholic extortionist, what are you doing?
00:28:04I hear it's a great place to meet rich widows.
00:28:08Uh, who is the lovely lady?
00:28:11You've been hiding things from me, Vic.
00:28:13Uh, this is Virginia. She's from Colorado.
00:28:16She's on vacation. She'll be going back tomorrow.
00:28:18You're still married, right? What are you doing here?
00:28:20Oh, it's part of your probation.
00:28:21Uh-huh. He's a great kidder.
00:28:23Uh, what is your name?
00:28:25Betty.
00:28:26Oh, Betty.
00:28:26Hello. How are you?
00:28:29I'm proud of you, Vic.
00:28:31Hey, when are you going to fix me up with some of that action you owe me?
00:28:33You fix me up with that one, and I'll wipe the slate clean.
00:28:38That one is off limits.
00:28:42Believe it or not, the love...
00:28:45Okay, okay. What about the will? You working on it?
00:28:48Yeah.
00:28:49For a change, I think you've got a good idea.
00:28:53Uh, take care of Victor for me.
00:28:55Betty.
00:28:56Or Virginia.
00:28:57Or whatever.
00:29:03Do you and your friend always put each other down like that?
00:29:07We were just kidding.
00:29:10Besides, I didn't want him to know that you were a nurse.
00:29:12We'd never get rid of him.
00:29:13Why not?
00:29:15Well, he's got this weird disease.
00:29:19He's always looking for medical advice.
00:29:23Especially if it's free.
00:29:25He likes nurses.
00:29:27Worth right for the nurse.
00:29:43Who's that?
00:29:45She's with me.
00:29:47We're friends of Victor's.
00:29:49We met at church.
00:29:51Oh.
00:29:52Well, we have to be going now.
00:29:55It's been awfully nice meeting you, ma'am.
00:30:04I want my money back.
00:30:06You haven't kept your word you out half the night,
00:30:09and you haven't fixed anything in the house.
00:30:11I'll ask you to...
00:30:13Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
00:30:14I fixed the van.
00:30:15Oh, it doesn't blow any more.
00:30:17It sucks.
00:30:19Besides which, everybody steals from me.
00:30:22I can't trust anyone anymore.
00:30:24Even a mailman doesn't bring me any mail.
00:30:27No, don't talk like that.
00:30:29We'll just...
00:30:31We'll go for a ride in the new car.
00:30:32Take you to Chinese food.
00:30:34We'll go out for dinner.
00:30:35Oh, you mean you'll take me out on a date?
00:30:39Sure.
00:30:40Oh, that would be lovely.
00:30:41Oh, I would like to go on a date.
00:30:44We could get Chinese food.
00:30:45Don't worry, Selma.
00:30:54Nobody is taking anything from anybody.
00:31:04Oh, thank you for a wonderful dinner, sweetie.
00:31:08Well, it was my pleasure.
00:31:10Of course, it wasn't a real date.
00:31:13Yeah?
00:31:13What do you mean?
00:31:13Well, if it had been a real date,
00:31:15you'd have taken me somewhere to get into my...
00:31:18Are you all right?
00:31:25Uh, yeah.
00:31:27Uh, Victor, uh, do you like a hot number?
00:31:30Huh?
00:31:31Well, that's what my husband, Charlie, used to call it.
00:31:34A hot number.
00:31:36Uh, you mean, uh...
00:31:39Yes, but we've got to wait until we get home.
00:31:50I certainly enjoyed dinner.
00:31:53Uh, so we're still friends?
00:31:55Of course we are.
00:31:57Victor, would you like me to change into something more comfortable?
00:32:01I mean, like they do after the late show.
00:32:05No.
00:32:06Uh, I would like to talk to you.
00:32:08Uh, you said that you were alone.
00:32:10Do you have any relatives?
00:32:12Well, I've got one niece living in Texas,
00:32:15but I haven't seen a few years.
00:32:17Is she the one who gets the money?
00:32:19What do you mean?
00:32:20What money?
00:32:21When you die.
00:32:22Is she on the will?
00:32:24Oh, I haven't made any will.
00:32:26I'm not going to die, not yet, anyway.
00:32:29I go after my mother.
00:32:31She lived to be nearly a hundred.
00:32:34Poor dear.
00:32:35She wanted so badly to reach a hundred.
00:32:39What happened to her?
00:32:40A heart attack?
00:32:40No, a truck.
00:32:42Oh, that's too bad.
00:32:45So, you see, there's no will.
00:32:47I'll worry about that when I'm ninety-eight.
00:32:50Mm-hmm.
00:32:51Uh, what about your niece?
00:32:53Is she poor like me?
00:32:54My niece, Lucy?
00:32:56Oh, no.
00:32:58She owns an oil well and a rich husband.
00:33:01That's great.
00:33:03Why don't you make out a will and leave all your money to me?
00:33:07But what about my niece?
00:33:09She's loaded, and besides, she didn't save your life, did she?
00:33:14Well, Victor, I think you've got a good idea.
00:33:18If you'll pay for it, I'll do it.
00:33:22Agreed.
00:33:22Money is no object.
00:33:23We'll do it tomorrow.
00:33:27If you'll do something for me tonight.
00:33:36Now, you're sure you understand, right?
00:33:38Of course I do, Victor.
00:33:41Which hat shall I wear?
00:33:43What are you going to tell your lawyers?
00:33:45That you're an old friend, and I've known you for years.
00:33:49And that I saved your life.
00:33:51Why do I have to say all these things, Victor?
00:33:54Because, Thelma, lawyers are dumb, and they only know what you tell them.
00:34:07You're calm, madam.
00:34:12Hello, Aunt Thelma.
00:34:16Lucy!
00:34:17Well, how's Houston?
00:34:20You're not.
00:34:22You are!
00:34:23Well, that's wonderful.
00:34:25Yes, yes, I'll be here.
00:34:28Okay, darling.
00:34:31Bye!
00:34:34Oh, Victor, guess what?
00:34:37Lucy's in town.
00:34:39She's coming over.
00:34:41Okay, uh, just don't mention the will.
00:34:45That'll be our little secret.
00:34:46Anything you say, Victor.
00:34:49But we can't go for the will just now.
00:34:51Because guess what?
00:34:53Lucy's in town, and she's coming over.
00:34:56Okay.
00:34:57Just don't mention the will.
00:34:59Oh, and there's one other thing that you can do for me.
00:35:02Well, what's that?
00:35:03Write me a love letter.
00:35:04Oh, Victor, you're so romantic.
00:35:13Dear Victor, I've been laying on the couch fantasizing about you.
00:35:25What I really need is your young, hard body to do the job.
00:35:44Uh, you're hot-blooded whore, Thelma.
00:35:48I'm not a whore.
00:35:52Of course you're not, but, uh, that's the way the lovers talk to each other these days.
00:35:55Oh, it's no wonder the young people are so mixed up.
00:35:59They don't know how to sweet talk.
00:36:01But, uh, why did you want me to write a dirty letter?
00:36:06Okay, just write whatever you want.
00:36:08Oh.
00:36:23Oh.
00:36:40Lucy!
00:36:41Aunt Thelma! Darling!
00:36:46Oh, how nice. You have a servant.
00:36:49Oh, no, that's Victor. He's my rumor.
00:36:53A rumor? You mean you spent all your money and now you have to take in rumors?
00:36:58Of course not. You know how your aunt watches her pennies.
00:37:04Aunt Thelma, please. Must we talk in front of him?
00:37:07That's all right, Thelma. I'm going to give you gals some privacy.
00:37:10I'm just going to sit out on the porch.
00:37:16I was on my way to New York and got your letter that you were in the hospital.
00:37:19And I just had to stop and see my favorite aunt.
00:37:23Your only aunt.
00:37:34Aunt Thelma, I brought you a present all the way from Paris.
00:37:38What?
00:37:41Ooh! What is it?
00:37:43Why, it's a wig, silly.
00:37:45It cost me a fortune, but I don't mind.
00:37:48It'll make you look ten years younger.
00:37:49And before I forget, I want to talk to you about making a will.
00:37:53Oh, no. I couldn't do that.
00:37:55Victor said I wasn't to discuss it with anyone.
00:38:00Is that man in your will?
00:38:02Yes, of course. He's paying for it.
00:38:05Oh, he is, is he?
00:38:06And how long have you known him?
00:38:08Hmm, about a month.
00:38:11And how well do you know this Victor?
00:38:14Well, to tell you the truth, he's my boyfriend.
00:38:19You mean?
00:38:19Yes! Isn't it wonderful?
00:38:33So, you're Victor.
00:38:35The degenerate barber that's sleeping with my 73-year-old aunt.
00:38:40And you're Lucy, the fat asshole from Texas.
00:38:43You listen to me, mister.
00:38:45She's my blood relative.
00:38:47She owes me.
00:38:48And no third-rate Casanova's gonna take money that belongs to Lucy Hawthorne.
00:38:53Now, I don't have time to argue.
00:38:55Clear out, and I'll give you 5,000 cash.
00:39:01You can't buy me.
00:39:02All right. I'll go as high as 10,000.
00:39:05I'll take it.
00:39:06Good. I thought so.
00:39:08I'll be here tomorrow at noon with the money.
00:39:10You be ready with your car packed.
00:39:12Agreed.
00:39:13Good day, Victor.
00:39:17—
00:39:17croquis.
00:39:32Then...üddy!
00:39:34You're feeling
00:39:38better? You're cutting
00:39:41out?
00:39:51Victor?
00:39:54What is it?
00:39:55What's wrong?
00:39:57Sorry to bother you tonight, but I have to make a big decision tomorrow,
00:40:00and I need to know something tonight.
00:40:10Oh, uh, here.
00:40:17Here you go.
00:40:19Know what?
00:40:22If it were possible, would you marry me?
00:40:25I mean, you know, if it were possible.
00:40:28Victor, are you proposing?
00:40:30No, I can't propose, not tonight.
00:40:32But if it were possible, would you marry me if I was poor?
00:40:35And Diane.
00:40:38Victor, this is awfully sudden.
00:40:40But I'll think about it.
00:40:50Victor?
00:40:51Victor, are you going to do something?
00:40:58Do what?
00:41:01Victor.
00:41:03If you're having fun with me...
00:41:05No, no, I can't ask until tomorrow.
00:41:07And what happens tomorrow?
00:41:09I think I'm going to get $10,000.
00:41:11Victor.
00:41:13Victor, you can't do it.
00:41:14I can't do what?
00:41:15I don't know, but whatever it is, it's illegal, and you'll go to jail.
00:41:19No, it's not illegal, it's just a bribe.
00:41:20Victor, do you know how dumb that sounds?
00:41:25No, it's the truth, and it's legal.
00:41:27I just had to ask you to marry me first.
00:41:30I needed to know that you'd have me poor.
00:41:36Poor Victor.
00:42:08a bitch there's a baby take a look at this window well you'd be amazed what you see up here
00:42:14on the
00:42:14roof you you you are really something everybody is working this morning you're up here you're
00:42:20looking for action wow that's one couple that's working overtime huh hey vick look what they're
00:42:32doing now john look i gotta talk to you about something to support important okay i'll meet
00:42:41you this afternoon so that's it at least we tear that funny wheel apart so we're gonna have to
00:42:51settle for 10 grand there's another way vick sure marry the old broad victor baby that's just what
00:43:00you're gonna do and i'll organize the whole thing let's say 15 percent what about my girl what about
00:43:11betty vick we're talking big time here i i know i love her what happened to your other girls what
00:43:23went wrong there vick was it money you want to keep betty you gotta marry the old broad
00:43:45you're late lover boy my offer just went down a thousand dollars deal's off
00:43:58i know what you want you want more money how much where's thelma she's not home but where is
00:44:04she don't worry she's not cheating on you i've arranged for her to see a doctor i want thelma
00:44:09to live to be a very old lady don't you victor you know you might find this hard to believe
00:44:15lucy but i
00:44:15happen to like the old girl now when's she coming back not till five o'clock and um we have
00:44:21the whole
00:44:22place to ourselves
00:44:34why so quiet
00:44:36i'm trying to think of how to say this oh victor
00:44:42no no it's uh it's not what you think um look
00:44:50i love you and i want to marry you but first i have to marry that old lady first okay
00:44:54fine
00:44:58then why don't you take me home well i'm doing this for us for us yes so that we can
00:45:03have a big
00:45:04house all paid for money in the bank victor you're such a dummy we can have a big house and
00:45:10money in the
00:45:10bank but you'll have to work for it you're lazy victor that's your problem what does marry her for a
00:45:18little while mean are you planning on killing her
00:45:23do you think that i could do something like that
00:45:26no look she's 75 she's almost 80 she's got a bad heart uh lots of other bad organs
00:45:33and what if she wants to sleep with you
00:45:36no that's this bad for the heart too i mean she was lost take me home you know uh you
00:45:42know how
00:45:43temporary this is you know how much i love you you don't love me
00:45:54i do love you
00:45:58it's poverty i hate
00:46:05victor i've got some bad news
00:46:07according to her doctor looks like the old gal is not gonna make it
00:46:12really what's wrong with selma a nurse said that she could kick off from stroke heart failure
00:46:17kidney trouble anytime and she's been passing blood look we're running out of time victor
00:46:23first you gotta take her down to the license bureau then you gotta wait three days before you marry her
00:46:27and by that time she'll start to smell
00:46:33is any of this stuff contagious
00:46:35how would i know i'm only getting 15 percent
00:46:38okay this is friday uh we'll get the license this afternoon we'll get married on monday
00:46:44you're really gonna do it yep and if she goes as fast as you say you get your 20 percent
00:47:11god it's me victor i'm gonna need your help
00:47:16i can't marry both of them so i'm gonna leave it up to you i'm gonna flip this coin god
00:47:21and if it comes up heads then i'll know that you want me to marry thelma
00:47:25okay
00:47:32god i think that this is important so i think that we should make it two out of three
00:47:42i don't think that you understand god that was a very sick old lady and i can help her at
00:47:47least
00:47:47for a little while
00:47:49i know you're busy i bet you overlooked that right so we'll flip again
00:47:58oh yeah i know what it was i was thinking tails that's it i said heads but i was thinking
00:48:03tails
00:48:04so just to prove it will will flip again
00:48:13why should i mix you up i know what you want
00:48:19i'll do it
00:48:21i'll do it
00:48:28i have to ask you something
00:48:32what's wrong
00:48:33i've just had this letter from lucy's doctor and it it says that i'm mentally crazy and can't look after
00:48:42my
00:48:42own money and she wants to put me away
00:48:48oh victor can she really do it
00:48:51i don't know
00:48:55well you are nearly 74 they might think that you'd be better off in a crazy house
00:49:00but i don't want to go to a crazy house
00:49:03what can i do
00:49:06well
00:49:09they couldn't put you away if you were married
00:49:15married
00:49:16you're sure uh
00:49:18you would have a husband to look after you
00:49:23victor
00:49:24are you proposing
00:49:31yes
00:49:33victor
00:49:34okay okay
00:49:35we'll get the marriage license and the blood test today
00:49:39we'll hide it for the weekend and we'll get married on monday
00:49:42tuesday's halloween and it's my birthday
00:49:45i want to get married on tuesday
00:49:48it'll be good luck
00:49:49we'll do it on tuesday
00:49:51why do we have to hide away for the weekend
00:49:54so that lucy won't find us
00:49:56see she's gonna try to stop us
00:49:58but by tuesday it'll be too late
00:49:59i know great
00:50:00martell and salem
00:50:01come on sweet dad
00:50:02it'll be romantic
00:50:21great
00:50:22first thing we used to deal with now the storm
00:50:26oh but victor you're right this is so romantic
00:50:30yeah and i have the room right next door
00:50:33next door
00:50:35do you mean to say we've got separate rooms
00:50:37oh yeah it's uh
00:50:39very bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the wedding
00:50:43i'm gonna be alone all the whole weekend
00:50:46not the whole weekend just uh
00:50:49saturday and sunday
00:50:50the phone is right there
00:50:51if you need to talk
00:50:52and if you uh need anything
00:50:55i'll be there
00:51:00i'll always be there
00:51:03so sweet victor
00:51:27oh hi uh could you connect me with
00:51:30five five five four four one oh
00:51:35thank you
00:51:38sweetheart hi i've got to talk to you
00:51:40where are you
00:51:41oh i'm at captain jackson salem
00:51:43are you with her
00:51:46tell me yes she's writing a story
00:51:49and i'm sorry victor there's nothing to talk about
00:51:52you've made your choice
00:51:54i hope you're happy
00:51:56no no no listen listen i gotta i gotta tell
00:52:15hi sweetheart i've got to see you
00:52:16i'll be right over
00:52:18philma uh no no stay there
00:52:21well i thought you wanted to see me
00:52:24i thought so too but uh just hearing your voice
00:52:27uh he's scared
00:52:30besides we can talk on the phone
00:52:31we're doing it right now
00:52:35victor i don't like it here
00:52:38neither do i but just uh wait till tuesday
00:52:41and then we'll get the wedding license
00:52:43instead of storm
00:53:09oh
00:53:10victor you've been gone all day
00:53:13why did you take so long
00:53:16it's a hurricane
00:53:18it's insane out there
00:53:21do you think we're safe here
00:53:24i don't know it looks like the whole motel is moving closer to the beach
00:53:30uh i gotta call you back
00:53:40be crazy going out in a hurricane
00:53:42aren't you glad to see me
00:53:46i had to see you
00:53:48take this off you must be soaking
00:53:58you're wonderful
00:54:00victor are you married no uh not till tomorrow it's her birthday
00:54:05and there's nothing i can do to change your mind
00:54:13uh look honey
00:54:14you're a maid
00:54:16that's 225 000 coming through that door
00:54:19don't let me down
00:54:28victor
00:54:32i heard you talking to someone
00:54:36yeah well of course you heard me talking to someone i mean you know look at this room i was
00:54:40yelling at the uh nurse maid
00:54:42maid
00:54:44she's a maid
00:54:46that's that's what i said
00:54:47i mean you know
00:54:48they must never clean up around the day around here
00:54:50i mean
00:54:50she's probably a trainee
00:54:51i mean look at this room
00:54:53that's not what i came for
00:54:55there's a frog in my room
00:54:57and i'm scared of frogs
00:54:59side which i don't feel too well
00:55:01frog
00:55:06oh my gosh she died
00:55:07she's just fainted victor
00:55:10but we should take her to a hospital
00:55:16she has a fever
00:55:19oh victor i'm not feeling too good
00:55:23why is a maid taking my temperature
00:55:28i want to go home
00:55:31uh thelma maid thinks that we should go to the hospital
00:55:34i'll go with you
00:55:35no uh you go home
00:55:37i i may need you there i'll call
00:55:46it's gonna be all right
00:55:54you're gonna be all right
00:55:58thelma i'm gonna take care of you
00:56:00come on
00:56:26your fiancee
00:56:29that old woman is your fiancee
00:56:34go ahead
00:56:34get him the hell out of here
00:56:37go
00:56:37let's go
00:56:38and if i see him in here again
00:56:40shoot this son of a bitch
00:56:43read my lips
00:56:45no
00:56:48don i'm not gonna go higher than 25%
00:56:51hey buddy
00:56:5225%
00:56:55get on over here and bring the marriage license
00:56:58well
00:56:59i left it at the motel
00:57:00i'll pick it up
00:57:01i'll bring it right over
00:57:24i've been waiting for you
00:57:28oh well if it isn't lucy
00:57:30how'd you find us
00:57:32money honey
00:57:32you can do anything with money
00:57:35forget something victor
00:57:38why don't you give me that purse
00:57:40you can't have it
00:57:41what you think that i can't take that
00:57:43i think you should take that up with bruno
00:57:44bruno
00:57:56victor
00:57:56i'd like you to meet bruno
00:58:01bruno is sort of an electrician
00:58:04he's gonna put your lights out
00:58:06did you get that victor
00:58:08oh yeah you're gonna get it
00:58:10now bruno
00:58:12oh that was my leg
00:58:15he's over there
00:58:28ah
00:58:29ah
00:58:30ah
00:58:40ah
00:58:41ah
00:58:49ah
00:58:51ah
00:59:08Did you get him?
00:59:11No, he didn't.
00:59:13Thick, you bastard.
00:59:25You should have got rid of this.
00:59:27My leg.
00:59:29You lousy pervert.
00:59:30This is all your fault.
01:00:03Give me a break.
01:00:05Hiya, Vick.
01:00:06Come on, let's keep going.
01:00:08Hold on, there's a hurricane coming.
01:00:10I don't want to lose my trailer.
01:00:11Come on, time's out already.
01:00:12Let's go.
01:00:13Yeah, but I've got to put out extra lines.
01:00:15My mother's inside.
01:00:16God, how much is 30% of $225,000?
01:00:20$68,000?
01:00:22Where are we going?
01:00:24It's at Thelma's house.
01:00:25It's over near Quincy Center.
01:00:27We're going to need a rope.
01:00:29A rope?
01:00:31We can't very well walk out the front doors of the hospital with her.
01:00:34We're going to need a good rope.
01:00:36How high is she?
01:00:37Three stories about 30 feet.
01:00:40Okay.
01:00:41We lower her down.
01:00:42Drive off.
01:00:43You get married.
01:00:45Simple.
01:00:46Yeah.
01:00:47Except she's not allowed visitors.
01:00:50And if the guard sees me, I'll get shot.
01:00:52Don't worry.
01:00:53That's the second part of my plan.
01:01:01And for this, I get $68,000, right?
01:01:04Oh, yeah, but there's one string.
01:01:07Don't tell me.
01:01:08Let me guess.
01:01:09I've got to stay away from Betty.
01:01:10I don't want you talking to me that.
01:01:12There's one girl that is not going in your scrapbook.
01:01:15And another thing, I don't like these tits.
01:01:17They're too lumpy.
01:01:18I'll find the tits.
01:01:19Just try the wig off.
01:01:23Here you go.
01:01:30Now, here's how we do it, Nick.
01:01:32Anybody stops us.
01:01:33We just flew in from Texas to visit your poor, dying aunt.
01:01:38Let's just hope the old lady is still dying.
01:01:42You are a heartless mother.
01:01:45Yes, I am.
01:01:46But at least I'll admit it.
01:01:48I suppose you're hoping she gets better.
01:01:54I suppose you're hoping she's going to be able to get better.
01:02:04Whoa.
01:02:06It's a few more miles to the hospital.
01:02:08You think this wreck will make it?
01:02:09Sure, it will.
01:02:11I realize it's not a new car, like yours.
01:02:15But then again, I haven't gotten around to sleep with many old ladies yet.
01:02:21Look at this hurricane.
01:02:22I don't think I've ever been as close to one.
01:02:24You know, I always wanted to be in the eye of a hurricane.
01:02:27All of a sudden, it's quiet.
01:02:29No wind, no rain.
01:02:30Why?
01:02:32I don't know.
01:02:33Just to say I was there.
01:02:35Hey, look at that.
01:02:37Hey, forget it.
01:02:39I just figured she might be grateful.
01:02:42And you call me a heartless mother.
01:02:45Well, maybe I am, but I'm paying you a lot of money for your cooperation.
01:02:48So, for the next couple of hours, no booze and no girls, okay?
01:02:52Okay, okay.
01:02:53But maybe I wouldn't be so horny if you kept your dress down and act like a lady.
01:02:58Heartless mother.
01:03:20And remember, just like we all in the place.
01:03:24Why can't we use the back stairs?
01:03:26The stairs are for Crooks.
01:03:27We're going to do this the right way.
01:03:30Excuse me.
01:03:31My wife and I are looking for Thelma Marshall.
01:03:34Thelma Marshall?
01:03:35Yes.
01:03:35She's a patient of Dr. Schwartz.
01:03:37Oh, yes.
01:03:37She's in the West Wing.
01:03:39If you'll follow me, please.
01:03:52Thelma.
01:03:55Thelma.
01:04:00You know who I am?
01:04:04You know who I am now?
01:04:06Victor.
01:04:07What happened?
01:04:08We had to sneak him in.
01:04:10The doctor thinks Victor's a creep.
01:04:17Get away from you.
01:04:18You're scared.
01:04:20We're going to get you out of here.
01:04:28Hey, Vic.
01:04:30This chick's dead.
01:04:32What was it?
01:04:33He hasn't been here long enough to kill her.
01:04:36Are you sure?
01:04:37Sure, I'm sure.
01:04:38We've got one more problem.
01:04:42I can't see a lady out the window in a storm.
01:04:44She'll blow away.
01:04:46Okay, so how do we get her out of the hospital?
01:04:50I'll go out and check the halls.
01:04:51You get your girlfriend ready to go.
01:05:00Okay.
01:05:01Look, sweetie, we're going to get you out now, okay?
01:05:04But how are you going to get me out?
01:05:07Oh, we're just going to go down the staircase or out the window.
01:05:11Halls are almost clear.
01:05:12We can take her out the front door and make a run for it.
01:05:34What are you going to do down?
01:05:37You were going to back me up now.
01:05:39Make a run for it, Vic.
01:05:42Backstairs.
01:05:51Why is it so quiet in here?
01:05:55It's a cardiac ward.
01:05:57It's supposed to be quiet.
01:05:59I guess.
01:06:01It's kind of spooky.
01:06:12Come on, it's not quiet in here.
01:06:14It's quiet out there.
01:06:16Let's go.
01:06:21Even God wants us to get married and stop the hurricane for us.
01:06:24God didn't stop the storm, Vic.
01:06:26This is the one place I always wanted to be.
01:06:29In the eye of the hurricane.
01:06:38What's going on here?
01:06:40You're going to kill her.
01:06:43I'm going to get Dr. Schwartz.
01:06:50It's okay, sweet face.
01:06:51We'll have you down in the flash.
01:07:07You're going to kill her.
01:07:35shut that window dr schwartz is coming with the guard they'll take care of you
01:07:42poor woman do you realize i have a woman in the next room who's dying well do you realize you
01:07:47have a woman in this room that's dead do you realize it's quite possible that you killed this
01:07:51woman she's been dead for hours well maybe you didn't do this one but i've got one next door
01:07:56receiving the last rites and i know you're the cause of that one the last rites who's giving
01:08:00the priest of course he's a priest you think a priest can marry people where are you going
01:08:24what are you doing father we need your help we have two people in this room they want to get
01:08:29married can you help us father positively not hey this is the police department open the door
01:08:50okay mister are you going to open the door
01:08:56there's nothing you can say father gotta talk to you in private my friends just want to get married
01:09:05and if you don't help them you're gonna need a priest you can't marry them it's not legal
01:09:12dearly beloved
01:09:15will you victor who takes help to be your lawfully wedded wife
01:09:19i'll get you you dumb barber
01:09:24sickness and health will tempt you to part
01:09:27will you tell me to take this man to be your lawfully wedded wife
01:09:32who haven't evolved from this day forward
01:09:36i can't believe i pronounce you man and wife
01:09:52you're the best best man in the world
01:10:04don't worry sweetie it's all a mistake everything's gonna be all right
01:10:24you think in the mail victor we're waiting congratulations
01:10:30anything about us in the paper oh yes there is in the people column
01:10:36oh here it is congratulations to victor hertz 35 and the former thelma marshall 73
01:10:45who were married in salem hospital one week ago today
01:10:49the trick-or-treat couple had a bridal shower provided by hurricane gloria
01:10:57isn't that cute victor
01:11:09hello hello victor how's the newlywed not too good
01:11:13that's funny you should feel great you're famous you know
01:11:17i always knew you were out of your mind and now the whole town knows it
01:11:21well screw everybody in town and you two if that's why you called
01:11:24no i've got something important to talk to you about
01:11:29what's wrong with you
01:11:30i think i'm getting the flu or something
01:11:33that's great why don't you come over
01:11:34i'll be over in a few minutes
01:11:37bye
01:11:39what's that
01:11:40that was don he's coming right over where's our checkbook
01:11:44our checkbook well what does he want
01:11:46i uh have to write him a check
01:11:48uh i owe him some money oh well my checkbook is in the bureau in the metal box with my
01:11:56other papers
01:11:57and don't forget to bring my pen
01:12:00and oh another thing i wanted to talk to you about
01:12:03you're spending far too much money i shall have to
01:12:05look at how it gives you such a big allowance if you keep on like this
01:12:09oh and besides this
01:12:11all lordly bill is getting very high i don't know what you're doing
01:12:14oh and by the way
01:12:17i don't know why you're using so much sexism
01:12:20and not using there's five more couple of people
01:12:24you know all this is
01:12:25what's wrong
01:12:27i'm so glad you'll understand this thing
01:12:38you're a liar
01:12:40what do you mean
01:12:43why did you lie about your age
01:12:44is that all
01:12:46well i always lie about my age
01:12:50women are allowed to do that you know
01:12:54yeah sure i know that women lie about their age but they usually say that you're younger
01:12:57you said that you're 74 your birth certificate said that you're 64 why did you lie
01:13:01because i like compliments that's why
01:13:09what the hell does that mean
01:13:11well when people ask me how old i am and i say i'm 73
01:13:15they say how good i look
01:13:17and i like that that's why
01:13:24you know i thought that you'd be grateful that i married you
01:13:29you married me because you thought i was a goner
01:13:34well i'm gonna be here for a long time
01:13:38Victor
01:13:50okay all right calm down
01:13:51i think that don's here
01:13:53well you go along and play with your friend
01:13:55i'm gonna have a bath
01:14:13hey come on inside
01:14:14Thelma's about to take a bath
01:14:15first i want you to kiss her hello
01:14:17you mean kiss her goodbye don't you
01:14:19yeah
01:14:20Vic sit down
01:14:21i want to talk to you
01:14:27how's your mouth
01:14:28four stitches but it's worth it to get rid of fat lucy
01:14:31the cops arrested her
01:14:33that's swell Vic
01:14:35hey listen let's go inside
01:14:36Thelma
01:14:38i can't do it
01:14:40i've done a lot of crummy things in my life but i've never killed anybody
01:14:44i'll be damned the crookedest man in town and now he finds religion
01:14:47what kind of lives he hanging out with anyway
01:14:52Vic
01:14:54i wanted to talk to you man to man about this
01:14:56oh you bastard
01:14:58don't you remember her agreement i told you to stay away from her
01:15:00i know Vic
01:15:01i just couldn't help myself
01:15:03oh i can see it all now
01:15:05you marry me to the old bag so that you can move in on Betty
01:15:08it's not gonna work but he thinks that you're a creep
01:15:10Vic
01:15:11we're getting married
01:15:14what
01:15:15i knew you wouldn't believe me
01:15:16so i brought Betty along
01:15:25you can have the money Vic
01:15:27that old lady ain't gonna die
01:15:29she's gonna keep right on having birthdays
01:15:31so i can't wait for
01:16:01so i can't wait for her to be a man
01:16:01please
01:16:05Hello, Victor.
01:16:06Hi, Betty.
01:16:08I read about your wedding in the paper.
01:16:12You're famous, you know?
01:16:15How's your wife?
01:16:18Well, fine.
01:16:20Married her, and she's ten years younger.
01:16:24So now you hang around and wait for her to die?
01:16:27What about Don?
01:16:29You mean about us getting married?
01:16:31Mm-hmm.
01:16:32He asked me.
01:16:33What did he say?
01:16:34I said I'd think about it.
01:16:37You're doing this to get even, right?
01:16:39No, I'm not, Victor.
01:16:41I need somebody.
01:16:43And I think Don needs somebody.
01:16:45He's a liar, he's a thief, he's a backstabber.
01:16:48I'm his best friend.
01:16:48Look what he did to me.
01:16:50Victor, you haven't seen the real Don.
01:16:53He has a gentle side.
01:16:55Yeah, he's also got an album with all of the girls that he's had.
01:16:58You're not gonna be his wife, you're gonna be number 87.
01:17:28And if you think it's gonna stop that close to 100, you're crazy.
01:17:30I love you, Victor.
01:17:32Victor, but you're a married man.
01:17:40It's a funny world, isn't it?
01:17:43Yeah.
01:17:46Even a funny world has a chair of bad jokes.
01:17:56Good-bye, Victor.
01:18:03Good-bye, Victor.
01:18:20Oh, whoopsie.
01:18:21I'm ready to make whoopies.
01:18:50I'm ready to make whoopies.
01:19:06where is victor i think your husband just left you oh well i always thought he'd leave me for
01:19:16a younger woman come on thelma i'll walk you inside
01:19:32you know thelma some people just can't be trusted
01:19:56so
01:20:02so
01:20:04so
01:20:07so
01:20:12so
01:20:17so
01:20:21so
01:20:29so
01:20:31so
01:20:35so
01:20:51see that small little lizard
01:20:54with a gold round his throat
01:20:57trying to reel in that stone phase brunette
01:21:02well if she turns out the kind
01:21:05who'd be caught on his line
01:21:08i suppose she deserves what she gets
01:21:31it's a dance that's been done since the clock started running
01:21:35a system that's flourished and thrived
01:21:39full of losers lions
01:21:42and so many cross wires
01:21:45it's a miracle the species survives
01:21:48see that streamlined little redhead
01:21:51in the strapless bagless gown
01:21:53ain't got that one quite figured out yet
01:21:56whether she's dressed for depravity or justified gravity i suppose she deserves what she gets
01:22:22watch that slimy little schemer put the moves on that old day till matrimonial conditions are met
01:22:30thought she croaking he'd be wealthy granny fooled him and stared healthy now you know he deserves what he gets
01:22:42yeah
01:22:44all right
01:22:47yeah
01:22:48all right
01:22:55all right
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