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Saturday Night Live UK S01E03 Riz Ahmed
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00:14Good evening. Happy Easter. Out of the strongest possible terms. Hello.
00:25Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of you
00:31did not watch it. For those who missed it, here's a summary. You didn't miss much. And honestly,
00:41I'm kicking meself. I let you down. But everyone deserves a second chance. Peter
00:49Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come. So allow me to try again.
00:59The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month. But I can assure you we are working
01:06at pace towards a de-escalation. And the pace we are working at is leisurely.
01:15I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling. Not only in England, but also
01:22in the top bit. And the side bits as well. Life is getting harder. And furthermore, goodbye.
01:40Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm told there's a second page to my speech.
01:50Oh, that's right. The inspiring part.
01:55Look, I know I'm not inspiring. When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down
02:03so much that the interviewer called the Samaritans. So I've asked some Britons that people actually like
02:11to help me put a pep in your step. First up, England legend, Harry Kane.
02:29Yeah, cheers. Nice one, gaffer. Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks?
02:38Yeah, obviously. The Strait of Hormuzh is a really amazing war way. Always said that.
02:50But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack.
02:56You know, sold in defence. Yeah, good at set pieces too. So yeah, just got to take it one war
03:03at
03:03time. And yeah, yeah, it's going to be nice. Thank you, Harry.
03:16Next up, a Briton with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the power
03:22runs out.
03:33Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it?
03:37Blirting with Iran and playing with oil. Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage.
03:43All the power is off and we're snogging in the dark. Shhh, shhh. Oh, aren't I naughty?
03:50Thanks, Olivia. Love the enthusiasm. Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests.
03:58Outstanding British television and pork. It's Peppa Pig.
04:11Cheer us up, Peppa. Thank you, Daddy Care.
04:16Life is hell, but it doesn't last long and soon the sadness will end.
04:23Thanks, Peppa. You're very different from how you seem on the telly.
04:28And you're very similar.
04:32Well, there you have it. Big thanks to Britain's Big Three, Harry Kane, MBE,
04:37Olivia Colbert, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P-I-G-P.
04:44Oh, no. Here come the power cuts.
04:47Fend for yourselves, everyone. Olivia Colbert's trying to kiss me.
04:51And live from London, it's Saturday night!
05:02It's Saturday Night Live!
05:07With...
05:11...Hammed Anna-Michelle!
05:17...Iyawande Bramboye!
05:24Larry Dean!
05:31Celeste Spring!
05:36...George Fouracres!
05:38...George Fouracres!
05:43...Anja Maggiano!
05:48...Annabelle Marlowe!
05:54...Al Nash!
05:59...Jack Sheff!
06:02...Jack Sheff!
06:05...And the CD!
06:13...Haddy Young!
06:20...Musical guest, Kasabian!
06:26...And your host, Riz Ahmed!
06:39Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed!
06:45...
06:45...
06:47...
06:48...
06:49...
06:55Yes, yes, yes!
06:57Thank you, thank you so much!
07:01Wow. Hello, my name is Riz Ahmed, and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNL UK!
07:14Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer, and I'm a rapper.
07:19So, for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I.
07:25Uh, I'm working it out.
07:28Mostly, I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't just play intense roles.
07:34Okay, I also do some, like, family feel-good stuff.
07:37Like, for example, do you guys, uh, you guys know Sound of Music?
07:41Sound of Music! Everyone loves Sound of Music!
07:43I did a film just like that, called Sound of Metal.
07:46It's almost exactly the same.
07:48It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van.
07:53Just like Sound of Music, and it's feel-good because you're not him.
07:58But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.
08:00Um, some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions.
08:03CHEERING
08:05Thank you, man.
08:07That's what I'm saying, it's a feel-good movie about characters you can really root for.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14Christmas movie.
08:15But, uh, but I actually have just created and released my own comedy.
08:21Um, it's called Bait.
08:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:24Thank you, thank you, man.
08:25Um, it's, it's, yeah, it's about an out-of-work actor, um, auditioning to be James Bond.
08:32And, uh, the character is going through an identity crisis.
08:34And if you're wondering why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.
08:40I'm confused.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:42It's not my fault.
08:43I, you know, I grew up in Wembley, um, but I went to Oxford University and that's why I sound
08:50like this.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:57We've actually all got a track together on my next album.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:00It's, uh, it's called Oiru Boy Shut Up, This Is The Quiet Carriage.
09:03LAUGHTER
09:04It's a banger.
09:05Um, but, you know, I actually feel that even, even this show is having an identity crisis in a way.
09:11Um, you know, we're three episodes in and your hosts have been American, Irish and me.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:17Don't worry, next week, you know, we're gonna have, uh, one of the nation's most prominent Asian comedians,
09:23Jack Whitehall.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:25You see how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.
09:28That's so Asian. That's so Asian.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32Don't worry, Jack, your secret is safe with me.
09:34Asalaamu Alaikum, brother.
09:36But, uh, sometimes I feel like the whole nation's having this identity crisis and that's why we're so divided.
09:40Right? Uh, we're divided over politics, over the climate, over the Beckhams.
09:46But I think that I know how to solve it.
09:49I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis.
09:51I think there's one thing that unites us all.
09:54In essence, what makes us British is...
09:58We like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:02LAUGHTER
10:03Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know?
10:08We like that. We like it.
10:09Um, we like giving...
10:10Thank you, yes.
10:12We, we like giving crap compliments, you know?
10:16Someone says, he's a bit of a character. That means you're a knob.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20You know? And we like sports that are a bit crap.
10:24Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:28And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap, you know?
10:31Like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:35My balls feel like they're in Siberia.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:39Thank you for that, Aunty, by the way.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:42We celebrate when things are a bit crap.
10:45We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.
10:50That's the best of Britain!
10:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:53We like it when things are a little bit...
10:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:58That's right.
10:58So we've got a great show for you today.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:06A really great show.
11:07Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show.
11:10It's very un-British of us.
11:11We've got Kasabian here.
11:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:14It's going to be a banger.
11:15Stick around and watch this.
11:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:37A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:42I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her phone on loud.
11:47People's phone's big in every situation.
11:50And no one ever has their own vibration.
11:53A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
11:57He's a school face in a phone-free place.
12:00Sharing a clip of a girl on her face.
12:02Beep, beep, beep, she's looking round perplexed.
12:05Happen she's the only one who didn't get the text.
12:07A man walks into a corporate space after committing a hated sex crime.
12:13He's clearly the very bad thing.
12:15He's gambling, gambling, and the phones go bang.
12:20Why would all the texts come at once?
12:23All the phones are going off at once.
12:25Calling her a slut and he's a dirty dog.
12:28Every single phone's going crazy for all.
12:31A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud.
12:35On loud.
12:35I still understand the scene without the very loud texting sound.
12:41Every text is expositional.
12:43Hey, Dad, can you pick me up now that Mom's dead?
12:47I'll be extra-autositional.
12:49Let me just search that up on the Glinkl app.
12:59Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:01Why does your house have studio lights?
13:04And how the hell is that the first text message that you've ever sent to your wife?
13:11Well, while we're here,
13:13Why do cops in TV and movies only have co-workers at their personal events?
13:18It's your 58th birthday, you're telling me none of your family went.
13:23There's only other cops at your house.
13:26Clearly no one wants to come to your house.
13:28It's just colleagues on your wedding day.
13:30And you've also got a colleague for a spouse.
13:33Why'd you yee-haw?
13:34Why is everything in TV and movies not how it is in real life?
13:38iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.
13:41Why'd you put it in rice?
13:42And people answer the phone while they're having sex.
13:45The phone and car Bluetooth always connects.
13:47CEOs with email notifications and the phone contacts include relations.
13:51The calls are always so fast-paced.
13:53iPhones have an Android interface.
13:55The answer's not even seen at home before.
13:57Make a confidential call at the Apple store.
13:59But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound.
14:07With all the phones all up.
14:08All the phones all up.
14:09All the phones all up.
14:11All the phones all up.
14:11So sort it out.
14:16Wait, Mom, slow down.
14:18Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested?
14:22Don't panic.
14:23I'll order a goober there.
14:50In today's challenge, our contestants added a whopping £4,250 to the prize fund.
14:59But now it's time for the faithfuls to return to the round table.
15:04Can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man?
15:16I'd like to start.
15:17This experience has been amazing, but at the end of the day, we need to find the great big crab
15:23man.
15:24It's a great big crab man.
15:25But there's someone here I just don't trust.
15:29And that person is.
15:34It's yourself, Imran.
15:38Great, we're doing this again.
15:40I know I was wrong about Kaya, Mechel and Ife.
15:48But I have a feeling I just can't shake.
15:53But I'm obviously not a great big crab man.
15:57But to be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say.
16:02Okay, I'm just going to come out and say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian?
16:12Whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:14I've only got two 100% not a great big crab mans.
16:19And it's myself and Sebastian.
16:23Look at him bro, he's a flipping crab.
16:25See, getting defensive like that, it only makes you look more like a great big crab man.
16:32Okay, okay, what about today's challenge?
16:3530 seconds.
16:37You've got this.
16:39Go towards it.
16:40What's wrong with you man?
16:41Just go forwards.
16:46Imran, he told us his ankles only work sideways.
16:50Everybody knows he's trying to win the money to pay for an ankle doctor.
16:54Okay, fine.
16:56So why was he acting so weird at breakfast?
16:58Because he's tired.
16:59You can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons.
17:04Can I just say, I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight.
17:08To be fair to Imran, to be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is algae, seaweed and invertebrates.
17:14And for me, that's suspicious.
17:17The time for talk is over.
17:20Now, it's time to vote.
17:38Time's up.
17:39Enormous good luck, everyone.
17:43I'm sorry.
17:46It is what it is.
17:50Sorry, girl.
17:52Imran, I'm so sorry.
18:00Love you, man.
18:05Imran, you have received the most votes.
18:08Would you like to join me, please?
18:17Listen, yeah.
18:18I've had an amazing time.
18:19It's been an incredible journey and I've made friends for life.
18:22But there's something weighing on my heart and I've got to come out and say it.
18:29I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiots.
18:37What the hell are you playing at?
18:41You've just voted off another not a great big crab man.
18:46And the real great big crab man is still out there laughing at you.
18:52Okay, okay, I'm just gonna say it.
18:55There's someone who is slipping under the radar at tomorrow's round table.
19:00The person I'll be looking at.
19:02Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
19:03I'll pack my box.
19:18Okay.
19:19Hey.
19:20You're really good.
19:22Operation.
19:23Isn't that a game for like six-year-olds?
19:25Okay.
19:26Why don't you give it a go then?
19:27Okay, I will.
19:30It's simple.
19:30Oh, you just.
19:35Okay, that was a warm-up.
19:39You can leave it, babe.
19:40No, no, no.
19:41It's fine.
19:42It's easy.
19:46Hey.
19:48Babe, come to bed.
19:51Yeah.
19:52Yeah, one minute.
19:56Kids, get in the car.
19:57Mummy will be there in a sec.
20:00Are you coming or not?
20:05Wow.
20:15Kick back!
20:18Are you coming?
20:19We're cutting the cake.
20:27It's just a game.
20:29It's not just a game!
20:30It literally is.
20:32It says it on the box.
20:33It's six plus.
20:38Stop looking at me!
20:48I can't take it anymore.
20:50We're leaving.
20:53Hey.
20:55I lifted it clean.
21:02I'm coming.
21:09So I'm there, just fully committed, waving at them, grinning like an idiot, and walked straight past me.
21:15Oh, no.
21:16I just felt like such a plum.
21:17Oh, I've missed this.
21:20I've missed you.
21:23It's not all fine.
21:25Help!
21:26Help!
21:26Yeah, is there a doctor in the house?
21:27One of our diners has come outside.
21:29Are you serious?
21:41Come on, Andy.
21:42No, wait.
21:44I've got this.
21:46Honey, are you sure about this?
21:49Everybody stand back.
21:57Give me those.
22:00What are you?
22:06I'm going to the bread basket.
22:08What the?
22:10God, it helped me.
22:12What is all this?
22:17Fishbowl!
22:20Where's the horse?
22:22You have to believe me.
22:23There were supposed to be pieces, and then the butterfly and the bread bath.
22:26Whatever, sir.
22:26You're coming with me.
22:27Olivia?
22:29Olivia, tell them.
22:31Olivia!
22:31Oh, my God.
22:49This is OG FM coming at you.
22:52Old classics for old heads.
22:54It's all 90s music, all the time.
22:57And we mean all the time.
22:59When we want to talk, we just turn it up, turn it down very slightly.
23:04On the next, we've got MC Twister, DJ Tolera and me, Lady Magnum, Pink Lemonade.
23:09And yes, all our names are types of ice cream.
23:14Coincidence.
23:18If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are old.
23:21Shout out to my middle-aged brothers and sisters.
23:24Nostalgia coming at you.
23:28All right, all right.
23:30So tonight, we've got some real talk for all you over 50s.
23:33Prostate cancer.
23:34Real serious, but people don't talk about it because it's the butt one.
23:39Use it on platform for good.
23:41All right, we've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us.
23:45It's Dr. Rishi.
23:46Come on, big ups, Dr. Rishi, looking sharp.
23:49I appreciate that.
23:53So, yeah, I mean, thanks, thanks for having me.
23:56All right, doc, doctor, knowledge on us.
23:59Yeah, sorry.
24:00So, yeah, well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in eight men.
24:04Shout out to Michelle in SW5, going hard on the weekend.
24:13What are you saying, Dr. Rishi?
24:14Right, yeah, yeah, so the prostate.
24:17It's a small gland that sits just behind the...
24:20Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final.
24:24She's back on the pill.
24:25B-b-b-b-b-b-bill.
24:28Take it away, doc.
24:29Take it away.
24:30Oh, OK, yeah, OK, suppose, um, well, you know, diet is very important.
24:34Hey, yo, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday.
24:36Four-day week, four-day week.
24:38What?
24:38You've got no...
24:40Diet is something...
24:42Tony and Streatham just put his dog down, pay us up for the poodle.
24:47Diet is something...
24:48East and South and West.
24:52Statistically, around 55,000 new cases of...
24:55OK, I was just trying to say, just before, just there with the...
24:59Diet is a good way to minimise your risk.
25:01Reducing red meat is sensible.
25:03You should think about swapping it out with an oily fish,
25:05perhaps a salmon or a mackerel.
25:06Hey, yo, pick up the North Sea.
25:08Come on.
25:09I'm sorry, can we just...
25:10Um, can we just stop?
25:12Please, I'm sorry, can we just stop?
25:13What's up, big man?
25:15Is there any way you could just stop the music,
25:17just for, like, a minute?
25:18Because this is...
25:19Sorry, doc, this is OGFM, all 90s music all the time.
25:22Literally, all the time.
25:23Yes, my sister, if you've got something important to say,
25:26you've got to ride the beat.
25:27What do you mean, ride the beat?
25:30Medical freestyle, off the dome!
25:34Seriously?
25:35Yeah, I spent some wisdom, Dr. Rishi.
25:36Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know.
25:38Hippocratic Oath.
25:43OK, OK, fine, fine.
25:44Yeah, OK, um...
25:46Prostate...
25:48Prostate...
25:49Check it before it's too late.
25:52Um, early detection is vital for your survival...
25:57All right, turn my headphones up.
26:05Up a bit more, yeah.
26:07Don't hide away, get your PSA.
26:09The blood test is best, so don't delay.
26:10No joking, stop smoking.
26:12I'm thinking, less drinking.
26:14Check your BMI, if the number's high,
26:16then we'll make a plan, get your number right.
26:18If you're over 50, got a family history,
26:20and the flow is weak.
26:20Don't see your GP or my G's in the back.
26:22Who are black?
26:23Your risk is higher, that's a fact.
26:25Don't be brave, don't act like a trooper.
26:27If you've got P's, don't wait for the future.
26:29Just call Booper, hop in an Uber.
26:31Reach IP, happy birthday to ya!
26:33And if there's blood in your P, call 111.
26:35Doctor Rishi, da-da-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
26:39Oh!
26:40Oh!
26:43Yes!
26:46Yes!
26:47Save it alive with the advice, son.
26:49Doctor Rishi in the house!
26:50The-the-the-the-the-the-the-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
26:52Come on!
27:07Ladies and gents, it's Kasabian.
27:37Now it's you and me, and I am lost for work.
27:43I just keep on falling.
27:47Watch me go.
27:50I'm the gray and the tender.
27:56Oh, baby, blow.
28:00Now it's time for me to surrender.
28:07You can dance again and dance again.
28:13You can dance again and dance again.
28:19I'm so good, baby.
28:23Watch me as I go.
28:26I live and make believe.
28:29Hang on, here's your call.
28:34Where do you hide if you don't know who you are?
28:37But you love it and you're not the same.
28:41So don't fear it now.
28:44Watch me go.
28:47I'm the gray and the tender.
28:51I remember, baby.
28:58Now it's time for me to surrender.
29:04You can dance again and dance again.
29:10You can dance again and dance again.
29:13Yeah yeah
29:16Dance again, dance again
29:20What you've harvated for tambour
29:22virtue não é tranquilo
29:24It won't stop learning
29:26You'll never surrender
29:28virtue não é tranquilo
29:30It won't stop learning
29:32virtue não é宮
29:34It won't stop thinking
29:38You can never surrender
29:39virtue não é tranquilo
30:22And Paddy Young.
30:31Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
30:35I'm Paddy Young.
30:36And I'm Anya Magliano.
30:41The war between Iran and the U.S. has entered its second month.
30:45Second month?
30:46Ooh, it's starting to get serious!
30:50This week, a U.S. airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:55Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior U.S. military official said,
31:01Oh, my God, we're so sorry.
31:03We thought it was a school.
31:10President Trump has criticised the U.K.'s Navy for being, quote, too old.
31:15Too old for Donald Trump?
31:17What is it?
31:1818.
31:21Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral said,
31:26I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind, just as soon as the wind picks
31:29up.
31:32It's true.
31:33The U.K. only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:40Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years,
31:45referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.
31:49Well, they think they've quadrupled.
31:50They actually look fine.
31:57It's been revealed that metabillionaire Mark Zuckerberg
32:00is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:04And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:15In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:20This after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive
32:23and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:28In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island
32:32has taken the internet by storm.
32:35It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:37The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:40Yes, this is genuinely a real thing
32:43that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:46Here to comment on this viral sensation
32:48is random, former, real Love Island contestant,
32:51Chloe Bibby Wrinkle.
32:53Oh, no!
32:56No!
32:56No, it's so muggy.
32:58AI has nicked my job.
33:01It's taken me, a human, professional lady,
33:04years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet.
33:08Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:13Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:16Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs
33:18to quell the flow of my tears.
33:20It's giving Kleenex.
33:24Which series were you in?
33:25Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters,
33:28the villa in Djibouti.
33:31And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:34Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:35So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:40Then imagine there's a pole, but none of us like to swim.
33:43Then imagine the memory of UK garage.
33:46Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:50And did you find love in the villa?
33:53Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Dee.
33:54But get this, week after we left,
33:57I found out he was, in fact, a mirage due to my heat stroke.
34:00Why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:04I've sworn off mirages now.
34:06Big dicks, though.
34:09Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:11Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:14Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:16I'm moving spooky.
34:18I was like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:24Of course I would.
34:26But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:30Like it or lump it.
34:31If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato,
34:35then so be it.
34:36A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:38He's a fruit.
34:39Oh, what?
34:39I don't know.
34:40I don't know.
34:41I don't know what you do now.
34:42He's not worth it.
34:43He's not worth it.
34:43Love Island contestant.
34:46Greetings, everybody.
34:52It's Easter.
34:55That's right.
34:56The time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian
34:59we're allowed to talk about.
35:09And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:17Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box,
35:23has been unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six-day strike.
35:28So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call,
35:32what goes up your butt will stay up your butt for the best part of a week.
35:36And it will be the best part.
35:40According to a police report,
35:42at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week,
35:45Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket.
35:47Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket
35:49because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:53The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts
35:57set off for the far side of the moon.
35:59And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon,
36:02that's where the bum is.
36:06Inspired by the success of Artemis 2,
36:09Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:12And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:17In lighter news this week,
36:19an adorable little dormouse was found dozing
36:22in an old helium balloon caught in a tree in Essex.
36:25Here to tell us about his big adventure
36:27is an adorable little dormouse.
36:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:33Hi, guys. I'm adorable to be here.
36:37Oh, you're so cute.
36:39It is so wonderful to have you here,
36:41an adorable little dormouse.
36:43Cool. Look at all these big, scary cameras.
36:46Oh, it's OK. Don't be intimidated.
36:48OK, camera three, where you at?
36:49Camera three, where you at?
36:51OK, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:54Hey, Vogue, I'm an adorable little dormouse,
36:56and this is what's in my bag.
36:59LAUGHTER
37:01OK, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup
37:04that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:06LAUGHTER
37:08And next up, oh, I don't go anywhere
37:10without my Aesop hyaluronic face mist defense barrier.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:14Shout out to Aesop.
37:16LAUGHTER
37:17And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy
37:19and a bit freaky, but it's hot sauce.
37:22LAUGHTER
37:23Sorry, are you just making content?
37:26I'm an influencer, Anya.
37:27My adorable story is blowing up,
37:29and it's my time to shine.
37:31I'm only going to live for four years, Anya,
37:33and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:35I've got to grab my moment.
37:38LAUGHTER
37:39And that's why, over the course of this answer,
37:41I've already moved on from being an influencer
37:43to being a red-carpet reporter.
37:46Anya, Anya, hey, girl.
37:47We're here with Vershka Jeans.
37:48What are you wearing, girl?
37:49Tell me what you're wearing.
37:50Don't tell me it's the boys with character collection
37:51from Georgia Asda.
37:52LAUGHTER
37:53You look amazing, Anya, girl.
37:55You're hungry, girl?
37:57Uh...
37:57And my subway take, mm, I think that...
38:00LAUGHTER
38:00I think that raspberries are nice.
38:03100% agree, 100% agree, 100% agree.
38:06Oh, wow.
38:07He's so cute.
38:08You really are moving through the life cycle of fame
38:10at an unbelievable rate.
38:12Welcome back to Off Door, Mice & Man,
38:15where I'm talking...
38:17LAUGHTER
38:19I'm talking to Tanya Magliano about me being adorable.
38:22LAUGHTER
38:22Oh, you've got a podcast now!
38:24Being adorable was always my superpower, you know?
38:28LAUGHTER
38:29Suddenly, I realised that people wanted me
38:31to be adorable all the time,
38:32and I could never be off.
38:34Sorry!
38:35Sorry!
38:35LAUGHTER
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38But now, my listeners can get help to switch off
38:41thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:44LAUGHTER
38:45Dignitas?
38:46Is that bad?
38:46Sorry!
38:47Please don't cancel me!
38:48Oh!
38:49We could never...
38:50We could never cancel you, adorable little door mouse.
38:53Well, wait and see.
38:54I have invested my money in some weird things.
38:57Ah!
38:58Adorable little door mouse, everybody!
39:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:08FIVE MET POLICE OFFICERS HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF DUTY
39:12after a bag of guns was accidentally left on the street in London.
39:16I feel sorry for the police.
39:18Sometimes you're so busy killing women
39:20that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:23What am I like?
39:25LAUGHTER
39:26The government is passing new laws
39:28to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions
39:31and unwanted auto-renewals.
39:32Good news for me.
39:33Bad news for Dr Chubb's penis-pump emporium.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:37Whose platinum club is about to lose a member.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:42A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth
39:46without fertilisation for the second time.
39:50Does anyone else find it kind of weird
39:52that God keeps bonking this steak?
39:55LAUGHTER
39:58A peacock named Pete,
40:00who has recently taken up residence in Surrey,
40:02has reportedly learned to knock on doors with his beak.
40:05Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighbourhood
40:08that he's a registered sex offender.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:13According to a new report from the Department of Education,
40:16children under five should have no more than one hour
40:18of screen time per day
40:20to help improve physical health and family relationships.
40:23To discuss the impact this might have on parenting,
40:25here's a father and son who still do skin on skin.
40:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:46Thank you for having us.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:48No problem now, let's talk about screen time
40:53It's a scourge
40:55It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see our families glued to their phones
41:03Nobody looking at the park
41:07Why can't everyone just be normal
41:13Never looked at the screen
41:19He's thriving
41:21Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond
41:24Is that because you're screen free?
41:26Yeah, I don't need an iPad. I can just pad this chest until the happy hormones start g-g-g
41:34-g-gushing
41:36Why are you still doing this?
41:37Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can
41:42It was great when I were a baby, but it's better now I'm 32
41:46And it's nice to know if things are stressful at work, but I can get home and get right on
41:51to dad
41:54How does it reduce stress?
41:56Many, many ways
41:58Regulates the heart rate
42:00Slows the breathing, helps with the breastfeeding
42:05Breastfeeding?
42:05Men have got the glums as well
42:08It just takes discipline, Paddy
42:11Nobody has discipline these days
42:14Are you smelling his head?
42:18Yeah
42:19That's the best bit
42:21No
42:22I know that new- new- you know that new- born baby smell
42:29Well, it's that, but old
42:33This is unconventional, but I have to say, you guys seem really happy
42:38There's always room for one more, Paddy
42:41Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here.
42:45Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad. Don't be a stranger.
42:49Thank you, father and son, who still do skin on skin.
42:52Let me get in here.
42:55I'm Danny MacLeod.
42:56I'm Danny MacLeod. Good night.
43:35Good evening.
43:36We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge.
43:40To conceive a work of Gothic horror that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:48Tonight, three authors present their works.
43:52Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:04Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:07Tonight, I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:13I call it...
44:16Nosferatu.
44:20Quite horrifying.
44:21Mr. Blackthorn.
44:24In my hands, the tail of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:31I give you...
44:32The Wolfman.
44:37And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:41Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:47I give you...
44:49The Bastard Seagull.
44:53I give you...
44:59Okay.
45:01Okay.
45:02Questions.
45:04Sorry.
45:05I'm confused.
45:06Is this like an evil seagull or...?
45:09It won't bloody leave!
45:11The Bastard!
45:14Okay.
45:15Not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:18Perhaps now, let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:21To the reading, gentlemen.
45:27It was dawn, that fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world.
45:35The man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close, but a pubes length from his face.
45:47He screamed, heee-oh!
45:51But the bastard didn't give one single toss.
46:00Okay.
46:00Let's move on, Mr. Blackthorn.
46:02Sorry.
46:03Um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:06It keeps coming in the window.
46:09But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:11It's stuck!
46:12It's like one of those old sash windows, and it's totally jammed.
46:20Sorry.
46:20Is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:24No, not all of it.
46:25Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:30Sir Humphrey!
46:32May I remind you, this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:35This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:37Yes, Mr. Blackthorn.
46:39Why can't he just fix the window?
46:42He's tried.
46:43Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental.
46:49Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:52Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard friends.
46:56Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
46:59What?
47:00For God's sake!
47:02Please, can we move on to one of the other books?
47:04Yes, you, sir.
47:06Uh, hi.
47:07Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:11Yeah, what?
47:12He got an owl.
47:14And it's only made it worse.
47:17Because the seagulls didn't leave.
47:20And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:23And he keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:28Well, yeah, yeah.
47:29No, tell me about it.
47:31And the whole room stinks.
47:34And now there's a badger.
47:36Stop, sir.
47:38Stop.
47:39Stop.
47:40You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears,
47:44but this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you
47:46because you can't close your window.
47:48How dare you, sir?
47:51The bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
47:57There's nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:01Oh, yeah!
48:02I see!
48:03I told you!
48:04I told you!
48:05I bloody told you!
48:07We are listeners!
48:08We are listeners!
48:15Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Casabia!
48:28We are now at the same place.
48:31We are now at the same place.
48:36Hitting a tide by the lights upon your face.
48:43Bodies move in the flow shape
48:50Eyes wide open now we can both escape
48:59Now we're finally here together
49:02See if you release the pressure
49:06Keepin' through the stormy weather
49:10Release the pressure
49:41We arrived at the same place
49:49Hippotized by the lights up on your face
49:55We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
49:59No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:03We were so far from home, last time a rabbit hole
50:07No one to save our soul, about to lose control
50:14Get your hands in the air
50:16All your three-piece sweets
50:26Now we're finally here together
50:30Seeing you release the pressure
50:34We've been through the stormy weather
50:38Release the pressure
50:40Release the pressure
50:42Release the pressure
50:44Release the pressure
50:47Release the pressure
50:51That one I'm sitting on
50:54Soul
50:57Dieura
50:58Go sait i dont want shit to fuck
51:07I'm cool and hit, I'm cool and hit
51:09Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo yo yo me
51:29You
51:46Basically I keep having nightmares I'm gonna leave my baby on the bus which is weird because I never take
51:51the bus
51:53Sasha darling, you could leave your baby anywhere
51:58Sorry, we're late. Sorry. Hi. You must be Nick. Well, welcome. Oh, thank you. Look before you meet my partner
52:05I just wanted to give you a heads up
52:07Big weekend coming up a lot of big feelings
52:11Oh
52:20No one look at me. I'm a house. Oh
52:24My god, that's the Easter Bunny. Oh, well, we'll do pickies later Nick. Give me a hand
52:28Yeah, just give me a hand baby. Just trust me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Just trust me. Give
52:31me a hand. Okay. Okay. Oh
52:37Pascal
52:38Can I just say it's so nice to see another gay couple here? Yeah, seriously so nice
52:43We meet a couple like you and it's like yeah, they are the exact same thing as us
52:52So Nick and Pascal how are you feeling? Oh gosh, I mean all the normal stuff
52:58I think right nervous excited. Yeah, yeah, really stressed about pushing all
53:0382 million of them out. Oh
53:09But hey, what are people supposed to do not have Easter eggs?
53:15You give birth to Easter eggs
53:17No, he does
53:22I assume
53:24Gosh, sorry, suddenly feel a bit sick. I assume Easter eggs were all made in factories
53:29Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history my love
53:35Think it's a queer thing. Well, what is it in?
53:39I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me
53:45Please don't learn anything from this. Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing
53:50Carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people. Oh, thanks doll. I mean my body shot
53:56But my nipples are so long you could break them
54:03You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them what?
54:10He thinks people raise the eggs as their children. Can we please not pull the curtain back on this?
54:16My ears are famously huge Nick. You're not even covering up the holes
54:21Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out. No, no, no, no. Is it true what he said the foreign one?
54:28I'm Scottish
54:29I'm Scottish
54:30Babe, the eggs
54:32They're chocolate
54:34Nick
54:36You're scaring me
54:39Chocolate is food, Pascal. I can't shield you from this anymore
54:43They eat the eggs because chocolate is food, but hey, hey
54:48Those eggs make a lot of people very happy
54:52They they do yes
54:55Yes, children
54:56And adults who are too close to their parents
55:00And people who win crap raffles in May
55:03Give so many people so much joy
55:06I love you so much
55:08I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us and I'm proud of you
55:11I'm proud of us
55:14Is it rude to ask like where the eggs come out of?
55:18How
55:20dare you
55:23This rabbit has been giving birth every year since
55:281873
55:29Crackhouse pitbulls lead better lives
55:33You know what? You know what? I am wrung out like a flannel and you've done nothing but belittle me,
55:39him and our community since we've arrived
55:42Boys as an ally I am mortified
55:46Do you know what? Just save your apologies
55:47He's due any minute in the birthing process is literally one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine
55:52So we're leaving
55:54Help me up Nick
55:56Surrender to me
55:57Get the bags get the bags
55:59Get the car ready
56:00It's outrageous. I don't know why we even bother
56:07And they come out the back
56:16And they come out the back
56:23Wow
56:26Make some noise
56:28My biggest thanks to Kasabian
56:30And a huge thank you to the cast
56:32The writers
56:33Everyone working on tonight's show
56:35For making this such an unforgettable week
56:37Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up
56:40And goodnight
56:48I won't forget
56:55Thank you so much for the cast
56:56And thank you so much for tuning in
56:57And you will see
56:57And the actors
56:57And the actors
57:01The actors
57:01They have
57:01To be
57:01The actors
57:03Who
57:03Who
57:10Who
57:10Who
57:21guitar solo
57:43guitar solo
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