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00:06This is a production of the U.S. Department of Education, and the U.S. Department of Education.
00:31Welcome! Welcome, welcome, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week.
00:38Theaters empty after someone sets off an alarm.
00:47Canada finally has had enough of America's nonsense.
00:58Ice applicant forgot to study for entrance exam.
01:01I know what real cops do. Real cops would do real cop stuff.
01:06On Amber's team tonight, you've seen her on CNN, ABC, MSNOW, and she's the co-founder of the Seneca Project,
01:13a bipartisan super PAC focused on female voters.
01:16Assuming that voting is still a thing by the time we're done taping.
01:19It's Tara Setmayer.
01:25And joining Michael, you've seen him on The Tonight Show, Late Night with Seth Meyers and Netflix.
01:31His new stand-up tour, with all due disrespect, is currently crossing the country.
01:35He'll be selling shirts and stickers in the lobby.
01:38It's Nimesh Patel.
01:42Now for the biggest stories of the week.
01:45Everyone watch the clip.
01:47Tell me, what's the story?
01:50Okay, the story is protest.
01:52We want ICE out now.
01:54But ICE says, we want in.
01:56And then justice for Alex Preddy.
01:58This seems to me that this story is about ICE being absolutely out of control.
02:06The story is Minnesota.
02:08The state is in mourning.
02:09But while Republicans are divided, the residents of Minnesota are united.
02:12And yet, as the Minnesotans brave the cold to protect their neighbors, somehow their attitudes remain impeccable.
02:20How long will you stay out here?
02:22So my balls get cold.
02:25Well, unlike Republicans, at least he has balls.
02:28Oh.
02:32Now, if I may, also Democrats.
02:36While Minnesotans are also showing us what they're made of, unfortunately, so is everyone else.
02:42After the unprovoked Border Patrol shooting of an ICU nurse, Alex Preddy, last weekend, MAGA supporters have been tying themselves
02:50into knots on how they could blame him.
02:54How have ICE apologists tried to turn the victim into the villain?
02:5911 days earlier, he had kicked a car, and that's good enough for them.
03:05They called him a domestic terrorist off the top, so I guess...
03:10Very offensive to terrorists, by the way.
03:11Right.
03:12Right?
03:13Exactly.
03:15Um...
03:16Like...
03:17MAGA supporters have come up with countless stories to try and make Alex Preddy a villain.
03:22As many of you know, Alex was holding a phone in his hand when he was shot, and he was
03:28already
03:28complying and on the ground, and according to Newsmax's Greg Kelly, that was the problem.
03:34I want to show you something.
03:39Does that look like a gun?
03:40I think it does a little bit.
03:42It's a phone.
03:43It's black, like most phones.
03:46That's crazy stuff.
03:48Whoa.
03:49Whoa.
03:50I am so embarrassed for that man.
03:53That's somebody's husband.
03:55It's probably someone's dad.
03:59It's him, and it's like seven people in a room, and they're like,
04:02how can we best dick ride for this president?
04:07Amber, I am warning you.
04:10I'm sorry.
04:14Now, Kelly didn't stop there.
04:15He continued the victim blaming and took it even further on Tuesday.
04:19He tweeted, quote,
04:20Just because you're a nurse doesn't mean you're automatically a great person.
04:25On the left is Nurse Ratched from the Cuckoo Clock movie.
04:29Very nasty.
04:30As of now, we don't know the personality of Alex.
04:34What's so funny about that statement is we do know what his personality is
04:38because we had person after person after person testify to what a great human being he was.
04:45And we saw the video of him eulogizing one of his patients.
04:50We know exactly who he was, and he wasn't a shameful, sycophantic fuck like Greg Kelly.
04:59How do you think Donald Trump responded to all of the news coming out of Minneapolis?
05:03He tore down the West Wing of the White House?
05:07Trump did what he did with everything else that's happened over the years.
05:10He made it about himself.
05:12Bottom line, it was terrible.
05:13Both of them were terrible.
05:14The other was terrible, too.
05:16And I'm not sure about his parents, but I know her parents were big Trump fans.
05:20Makes me feel bad anyway.
05:22But, I mean, I guess you could say even worse.
05:25They were tremendous Trump people, Trump fans.
05:28If you told him a rabid ferret had two Trump-voting parents, he would still defend the ferret.
05:36That's a good ferret.
05:37His parents were Trump fans.
05:40Also, it's important to point out that Alex Peretti and Renee Goode are just two out of at least eight
05:45people
05:45who have been either killed by federal agents or died in ICE custody so far this year, just in 2026.
05:53So, panel, what kind of accountability needs to be happening?
05:56Jail time!
05:56Jail time!
05:59ICE needs to be disbanded.
06:01DHS needs to have their funding drastically cut.
06:04Prosecutions have to happen for the ICE agents and DHS agents who are out of control in Minneapolis,
06:09St. Paul, and around the rest of the country.
06:12What will happen is nothing.
06:15Okay.
06:16You mad at me?
06:18We need to know the names, not just Jonathan Ross, but the other guy that pulled the trigger on Alex
06:23Peretti
06:23so that we can ensure that they never, ever get laid ever again, because we know that that's...
06:28They're never fucking ever again, right?
06:30There absolutely needs to be accountability legally through our legal system, as long as we still have one for these
06:36people.
06:37Um, you can't just get away with taking people's lives because you're angry.
06:41The American people need to realize that no one is safe.
06:44And if you want things to change, stay in the streets, silence is not an option, and vote, vote, vote
06:51these bastards out of office so there can be real accountability.
06:56Well, from the Accountability Department, we have a little bit of good news, if you can call it that.
07:02After days of backlash, government is finally doing the bare minimum.
07:06The agents who fired the shots have been placed on administrative leave.
07:11Isn't that how it always feels when you hear administrative leave?
07:14It's like, aw.
07:15They got a check for killing somebody.
07:17And still ain't got to go to work.
07:19Right.
07:19I keep hoping this show will put me on administrative leave.
07:23Just get to go home.
07:25You have to work one day a week, Michael.
07:30We also have a podcast, haven't we got news for you?
07:35New episodes every Wednesday.
07:37Two Republicans have called for administration members to step down.
07:41Senator Lisa Murkowski called for Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem's resignation.
07:46And Senator Tom Tillis went off on both Noem and Stephen Miller.
07:51If Noem looks at her body of work, I could not be.
07:54If I were in her position, I can't think of any point in pride over the last year.
07:58Amateurish, assistant manager sort of thought process is going into somebody who's a secretary
08:03in a cabinet-level position.
08:05Stephen Miller never fails to live up to my expectations of incompetence.
08:10I can tell you, if I were president, neither one of them would be in Washington right now.
08:16Would Tom Tillis like to be a guest on Have I Got News For You?
08:20Well, then you can ask him why he voted for her.
08:23Oh, no, that's right.
08:24How dare you show up on TV and be like, she's a bitch.
08:27I hate her.
08:28She's so dumb.
08:30Bitch, that's on you.
08:31You voted for her.
08:33Tom, you won't be on Amber's team.
08:35Well, he'll kill it.
08:37Question to the panel.
08:38How did the president respond to Tom Tillis and Lisa Murkowski's gentle suggestion?
08:44Called him a great representative for the American people?
08:47I'm going to guess low IQ person?
08:49No, they're not black.
08:50That's right.
08:53In response to the two Republicans who dared to speak out to some of the mismanagement,
08:59Donald Trump said, and I quote, well, they're both losers.
09:03And then, just a short time later, a reporter tattletaled right back to Tillis what Trump said.
09:09The president called you a loser, I believe.
09:11I am thrilled about that.
09:12That makes me qualified to be Homeland Security Secretary and Senior Advisor to the president.
09:19Make me qualified.
09:24That was beautiful.
09:25You know what?
09:27I take back everything I said.
09:29He's my best friend and he always has been.
09:33Now, as approval ratings plummet and Americans' distrust of the government grows,
09:37there's one question on everybody's mind.
09:39Who's to blame for all of this?
09:41Immigrants.
09:42If immigrants weren't so successful, these white people joining ICE wouldn't be so upset,
09:47terrorizing Minneapolis.
09:49So, immigrants, we got to stop being so good at being American.
09:57That's the only solution.
09:59There's plenty of blame to go around.
10:01Democrats are blaming Kristi Noem, and Kristi Noem is blaming Stephen Miller.
10:06And wait, if you find all of that confusing, don't worry.
10:09John Berman here at CNN got you covered.
10:12I put together a little flow chart based on your reporting here of who is being blamed
10:17and how inside the White House and inside the administration.
10:20Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is blaming Stephen Miller.
10:23Stephen Miller appears to be blaming Customs and Border Protection.
10:27Do I have that correct?
10:30I mean, generally.
10:35One thing couldn't be clearer, though.
10:37Members of the administration are turning on one another.
10:39But so far, only one of them actually seems to be experiencing any consequences.
10:46Any idea who that is?
10:47I know that they took Greg Bovino and they packed him in a little box and sent him home.
10:52Is that what you're talking about?
10:53Points.
10:53That is the person who's paying the price.
10:55It is Greg Bovino, seen here right before Raiden and Frank's house.
11:02You think he gets to keep the coat?
11:05You got to keep that coat, baby.
11:07That's drip right there, baby.
11:09That's that 1940s military drip.
11:13Well, 1940s German military drip.
11:17Bovino has been the face of ICE operations in Minneapolis.
11:20He's even been recognized around town by some of his fans.
11:25Hey, fam, I was in Minneapolis and look, we just stumbled upon Greg Bovino at a fucking
11:29speedway for a pre-Hague photo shoot.
11:32So good for him, I guess.
11:35For those following along at home, I have nothing against short men, but I do just have
11:38to report back.
11:39There is about a four inch height difference.
11:42Do you want to get closer so they can see?
11:43Greg, you're standing right there in front of me.
11:46But to everyone following along at home, I hope you fucking eat shit.
11:49I hope this keeps you up at night for the rest of your life.
11:52And no one fucking wants you here.
11:59I'm just imagining like an in memoriam thing after that.
12:04Minnesota people, she had on a jean jacket.
12:08It was five degrees.
12:10And she was going into Speedway to get an icy on top of it.
12:15But Bovino served a purpose.
12:17The administration needed a scapegoat.
12:18So they picked the guy who looked like one.
12:23This week, Bovino was removed from his role as Border Patrol commander at large and will
12:29reportedly be returning to California to spend more time with his swastika.
12:33I'm sorry, his family.
12:36But getting Bovino out of there is just the beginning.
12:38In question, who was replacing Greg Bovino?
12:43No.
12:44No.
12:45Yes.
12:45Who is it?
12:46No, I hate it here.
12:48The human cover bag Tom Homan.
12:50No.
12:51Points.
12:52Yep.
12:53It is Trump's border czar, Tom Homan, seen here, getting to Minneapolis just as fast
12:59as he can.
13:00Faster, Muggsy.
13:02Okay, boss.
13:06As soon as Homan got to Minneapolis, I had a little press conference and made it perfectly
13:11clear who the real victims are in the midst of all that's going on.
13:16The real victims, according to Tom Homan, the ICE agents.
13:20Day after day, can't eat in restaurants.
13:22Day after day, having people spit on you and blow whistles at you.
13:25Day after day, having all these threats at you.
13:28Day after day, having people trying to interfere with you.
13:31Day after day, you know, they're human.
13:33Yeah, you know, day after day, invading people's homes.
13:36Day after day, raiding daycares.
13:38Day after day, deporting five-year-olds.
13:40Day after day, and I can't eat at a restaurant.
13:43Sorry, get it fucking to go.
13:48If I was an ICE agent, I would be afraid to eat in any place.
13:52I would have to bring all my food from wherever I want.
13:55Because there's no way they're not spitting in the food.
13:57That's all spit.
13:58It's all spit.
14:00It's so much spit.
14:01The saliva is the gentlest thing they're putting in the food.
14:05Mr. ICE agent, I shit in your pie.
14:12I don't even know.
14:13Oh, that's the help, baby.
14:16But there was one small piece of news buried in Homan's speech.
14:19He said that his, quote, main focus is drawdown.
14:24Which sounds like great news, but question, what's the problem with Tom Homan's idea of a drawdown?
14:29I think that Tom Homan needs to worry about drawing down the marbles out of his mouth.
14:33Because did you understand a word that this mush mouth said?
14:36You had to put up, you actually had to put up some titles.
14:39Wait, what is that?
14:43I'm just saying.
14:44Wait.
14:45Homan says there's going to be a drawdown.
14:47And they catch up with Trump at the Thursday night premiere of Melania's documentary.
14:51And Trump had this to say about a drawdown.
14:55Will you be pulling back immigration enforcement agents out of Minnesota?
14:59We want to keep our country safe.
15:00We'll do whatever we can to keep our country safe.
15:02So you're not pulling back?
15:04No, no, not at all.
15:06So, believe it or not, Melania's documentary wasn't the only news going on that night.
15:11Because by Friday morning, reporters had to break news about their own former colleague.
15:17Former CNN anchor and a former colleague of mine and friend, Don Lemon, has been taken into custody by federal
15:24agents.
15:24So now, here's the basics.
15:26Don Lemon covered a protest at a church in Minneapolis.
15:28And afterwards, the feds tried to charge him with a crime, saying he was an aggressor.
15:34But it didn't go great.
15:36Five different judges reviewed the evidence against Don Lemon.
15:41A magistrate judge who said no.
15:43A district court judge who happens to be the chief judge of that district who said no.
15:47And three appellate judges in the Eighth Circuit said no.
15:50And in a post on Friday, Attorney General Pam Bondi said that the arrests were made at her direction.
15:56You know how it is.
15:57Mike, when you ask your mama if you can arrest Don Lemon, she'd say no.
16:01Then you ask your daddy, can I arrest Don Lemon?
16:03He'd say no.
16:04Then you ask your grandmama.
16:06Then you just ask Pamela Jo.
16:07She'd be like, yeah.
16:08Can I arrest Don Lemon for you?
16:10Absolutely.
16:11How did government officials react to the news of the arrest?
16:15They said America's finally safe.
16:19Wasn't he literally covering the Grammy Awards when he got arrested?
16:22Yeah, yeah.
16:23Covering the Grammys.
16:24Yeah.
16:25He's a bad bunny.
16:28He's a bad bunny.
16:31Here's the deputy...
16:34Points.
16:35Fine.
16:39Now, as for what crime Don Lemon has been supposedly charged with, that's all still a little bit hazy.
16:44But it's been reported that one charge involves something called the FACE Act.
16:49Does anybody know what the FACE Act is?
16:51Yeah, Don Lemon's FACE card does not decline.
16:56He is adorable.
16:57I'm sorry.
16:58Smooth skin.
16:58You got arrested for being a bad bitch?
17:03Do you know what that is?
17:04It's when Donald Trump doesn't like your black face.
17:08It's like, yeah, that's really it.
17:10The FACE Act is a federal statute prohibiting use of force to anyone trying to access reproductive services, but it
17:18also contains provisions covering houses of worship.
17:22And they are accusing Don Lemon of blocking people from going into a church.
17:25Yeah, but if you're a journalist, you're covering people going into a church.
17:28What if the abortion clinic is located inside the church?
17:33Did you get charged twice?
17:37My dog, Don Lemon, was released without bail, so you can save your free Don Lemon T-shirts.
17:45And I think that for everything that's going on in Minneapolis, I don't think there's anybody who can submit it
17:50better than the Minneapolis resident we saw at the top, the man with the frigid balls.
17:55Wake up.
17:56Please watch what's happening here.
17:58I feel like we're performing CPR on what may already be a corpse called the Constitution.
18:03That's the same guy who said, I'll be out here till my balls get cold?
18:07Layers, man.
18:08The man's got layers.
18:09And may his balls be warm forever.
18:26Welcome back.
18:28It's time for the Offender Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended.
18:35Let's see your offender, please.
18:38Oh, that's Tulsi Gabbard.
18:41Mm-hmm.
18:41Also known as Evil Moana.
18:43Okay.
18:46Who did Tulsi Gabbard offend?
18:48The entire Indian American community.
18:50For what exactly?
18:52Just her whole essence.
18:55Tulsi Gabbard offended Fulton County Commissioner Moe Ivory.
18:59Seen here with her hand on the buzzer, ready to play the feud.
19:04How did Gabbard offend Ivory?
19:07She showed up at this FBI raid, and nobody quite understood why she was there.
19:14Gabbard offended Ivory by breaking into her office and stealing a bunch of stuff, but
19:19at least she didn't look shady as hell.
19:21Oh, she's holding a gun?
19:22Oh, no, no, no.
19:25The phone.
19:28Here's the details on the breaking.
19:41What exactly were they looking for?
19:44Our ballots, votes from 2020.
19:48What happened to that sheet of paper?
19:49Did they shred it up?
19:50Does it go on a...
19:51Well, it goes to this woman's office, right?
19:54And she stores it for years.
19:56According to Fulton County, the warrant was for records related to the 2020 election, and
20:02one law enforcement official told Reuters that agents were seizing computers and ballots that
20:08could have been a part of election interference, but Commissioner Ivory says that they're really
20:13after something else.
20:15Here's what she said during the raid.
20:17This is an attempt to take your vote away.
20:19This is all about November 2026, about the primary on May 19th and then the November election.
20:25He does not want the midterm elections to take away his power, so he's trying to create
20:29chaos.
20:30So this is what he does.
20:31Chaos in Minnesota, chaos in Fulton County.
20:34We are a target.
20:35Protect your vote at all costs.
20:36You can't dress like Michael Jackson on tour and have me take you seriously.
20:42I'm sorry.
20:44We are a part of a rhythm nation.
20:48Fulton County Commission Chair Rob Pitts, seen here, telling you to go outside and pick
20:53a switch.
20:58Come down here raiding my office.
21:01Go out there and get a switch, Mr. FBI.
21:06Commissioner Pitts said that he was, quote, not surprised by the raid, adding, quote, we've
21:11known all along that Fulton County has been a target for obvious reasons.
21:16So, question on, why have we already known that this raid was coming?
21:22It's a black county.
21:23It's a Democratic county.
21:25They had black folks telling white folks that they were breaking the law and they didn't
21:30like that.
21:31So this one's going to go fine.
21:33But then they're going to pull this shit in a white county and then watch out.
21:37In an interview with the New York Times this month, a reporter said to Trump, quote, you
21:42once threatened during the 2020 election to use the National Guard to seize election boxes.
21:47You may remember that you didn't, in the end, do it.
21:50To which Trump replied, well, I should have.
21:54Why would you remind him?
21:57You said you was going to do some voter suppression, but you ain't do it.
22:00You going to do the voter suppression this time?
22:02Oh, I forgot all about that.
22:03Let me go do some voter suppression.
22:05Does anyone know why Tulsi Gabbard was put in charge of this particular issue?
22:11She ain't got shit else to do.
22:15The answer is, uh, she's Trump's new revenge bestie.
22:18According to Reuters, quote, Gabbard last year formed a group of dozens of officials from
22:23across the federal government, including the Justice Department, that was helping to steer
22:27Trump's drive for retribution against his perceived enemies.
22:32She's like the lead mean girl.
22:34Mm-hmm.
22:34Yeah.
22:35I got it.
22:36Trump was asked what was Tulsi doing in Georgia, and he had this to say.
22:40She's working very hard on trying to keep the election safe, and she's done a very good
22:45job, and they, uh, as you know, they got into the votes.
22:48You got to sign the judge's order in Georgia, and, uh, you're going to see some interesting
22:53things happening.
22:54They've been trying to get there for a long time.
22:56She's supposed to be the director of national intelligence.
22:59She doesn't have anything to do with elections or ballots.
23:03I mean, she shouldn't be there.
23:05Let me throw out a hypothetical.
23:06We just kidnapped Maduro from Venezuela.
23:10Mm-hmm.
23:10There are conspiracy theories about Venezuelan interference in the 2020 elections.
23:15Yeah.
23:16What are the odds that Trump gets Maduro to confess to interfering with the 2020 election
23:23in exchange for clemency and a few million dollars?
23:27Right?
23:27I heard that on TikTok.
23:31Donald Trump wants to disenfranchise anyone that doesn't vote for him.
23:34We can't let them do that.
23:38And if all else fails, and the Republicans who lose don't want to give up their seats,
23:42then we will send in this man to make them give it up.
23:48I heard you don't want to give up your seat.
23:52Go outside and pick a switch.
23:57Let's see your offender.
23:59This is whoever Madame Tussauds practiced on before she figured out how to make a good
24:06wax dummy.
24:07Larry Ellison.
24:09Yes, that's TikTok's new owner, Larry Ellison, seen in that picture, asking his doctor
24:14if Cialis is right for him.
24:17Now, as TikTok's new owner, who did Larry offend?
24:21All of us by changing our freaking algorithms.
24:24Messing up my shit.
24:25I had my shit perfect.
24:27Fat baby after fat baby after fat baby.
24:32And now it's like a bunch of, like, 28-year-old white guys being like, my wife, what?
24:38Correct, Amber.
24:40Larry offended a whole bunch of TikTok users because they decided to change up the algorithm
24:47a little bit.
24:48And people are saying that they're being censored.
24:50And that the app is changing what they see in their search pages and their FYPs.
24:54Does anyone know what content TikTok is being accused of censoring?
25:00Anything good.
25:00Other than cute babies.
25:02Anything about ICE?
25:04Trump.
25:05Right.
25:06Any criticism of the Mad King?
25:08When this gets clipped out, it's going to do, like, six views on TikTok.
25:14Here's Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy breaking it all down.
25:18So, two really interesting things happened this weekend.
25:21First, a group of Trump-aligned billionaires took over control of TikTok in the United States.
25:30Second, it appears that there was a widespread suppression on TikTok this weekend of information
25:39coming out of Minneapolis and criticism of Donald Trump.
25:42Those two things may be coincidental, but they might not be coincidental.
25:47Hmm, coincidental or maybe not be, which is really the only two things anything can be.
25:57It's so funny to have a bunch of Americans be like, bring back China.
26:02I need China.
26:04But China was so much better.
26:06TikTok denies that they are censoring anything and that recent issues with the app are simply
26:12because of power outages.
26:16Who know when the power go out?
26:18Your TikTok mute all of your videos about injustice.
26:23What other Ellison embarrassment came to light this month?
26:28Uh, he bought CBS News and in about a month drove it into the ground?
26:35No, no, no, no.
26:36Something worse than ruining journalism.
26:38He owns, like, all of Lanai, one of the islands in Hawaii?
26:41You're close to that.
26:42It's about a boat.
26:43So, a New York Magazine profile revealed that Larry Ellison once bought a 190-foot yacht
26:49named for the Shinto deity Izanami.
26:53Oh, yes.
26:54Izanami.
26:55As one does.
26:56And he immediately sold it after somebody pointed out that Izanami backwards spells I'm a Nazi.
27:06I can't imagine, like, being that buyer on the other side.
27:09Like, so, why are you selling this, Larry?
27:10Listen, man.
27:13That was the Fender Meter.
27:15Oh, my God.
27:26Welcome back.
27:27It's time for Light Curious.
27:30I give you three biographical details about a public figure, but only one is true.
27:35You have to guess which is the truth and which are gnarly, nasty, filthy, funky lies.
27:40Three facts about the editor-in-chief of CBS News, Barry Weiss.
27:45Seen here watching the ghost of Walter Cronkite cry.
27:49Our facts are, she got married in a strip mall.
27:52She went to space camp three times.
27:55She was in a coma for six weeks in 2002.
27:59Team Michael, which one is the truth?
28:02Space camp three times seems very plausible to me.
28:04I feel like she got married in a strip mall.
28:06Really?
28:07Only, that seems like some billionaire whisperer or hokey, like, what if we did it the poor way?
28:14All right, strip mall.
28:15Team Emma.
28:16Being in a coma for six weeks would explain also, like, what happened to her brain.
28:20Yeah.
28:21She's deciding to take down something as venerable as CBS and doing what she's doing now because she needs the
28:27attention.
28:27Roy, we think this girl was in a coma for six weeks in 2002.
28:32Barry Weiss got married at a strip mall.
28:37I knew it!
28:39According to Weiss, her future wife, Nellie, only asked her out to set her politics straight.
28:44But a few years later, they got married in an Encino strip mall to set her politics straight.
28:52It's been a rocky few months since David Ellison appointed the anti-woke crusader to head of CBS News back
28:58in October.
28:59There have been mass layoffs.
29:00There's been low morale, editorial interference, and Tony DiCoppo taking over evening news.
29:05But things were so promising back when Barry Weiss started.
29:09What five-word phrase did she end her first CBS editorial meeting with?
29:14You'll all be fired soon.
29:18Let's go to Panda Express.
29:25At the end of her first editorial meeting, Barry amped up the crowd by saying, quote,
29:29let's do the fucking news.
29:33How rad would it be if Tony DiCoppo started each broadcast by saying,
29:38good evening, I'm Tony DiCoppo, let's do the fucking news.
29:41Like, how rad would that be?
29:42That would be good.
29:44Now, she is a woman with multiple investments, so if CBS News and that gig doesn't work out,
29:48she can fall back on her other jobs.
29:50In 2021, she co-founded the University of Austin.
29:55Does anyone know what pursuit the University of Austin is dedicated to?
30:01Podcasting.
30:01What do they specialize in?
30:03Planos.
30:05The college is dedicated to free speech.
30:10One ex-board member described it as,
30:13unwoke you led by a faculty of the canceled.
30:17Like Michael Richards teaching black history.
30:23Now, in case you're concerned on whether or not the University of Austin is or is not a real college,
30:27here's a tour of their converted office space.
30:31I mean, campus.
30:33Hi, welcome to the University of Austin.
30:35My name is Meg.
30:36This is our UATX library.
30:38It's one of my favorite places on campus.
30:43Question to the panel.
30:47What was off about that library?
30:51It didn't have any books.
30:54Can we see that library one more time, please?
30:58Now, obviously, the library just hadn't got their books yet,
31:02because all the books they ordered had been banned.
31:06And in case the students forget who they owe their education to,
31:10there's also a statue of the university founder,
31:12which brings us to the question,
31:14which one of these buss is Barry Weiss?
31:18First, second, or third?
31:19This is excellent.
31:20Okay, the middle is Kathy Bates.
31:23From Misery?
31:23You want me to say that's Joan of Arc?
31:25Joan of Arc.
31:26Kathy Bates from Misery.
31:27Barry Weiss.
31:28It's the third one, for sure.
31:30Uh, yes.
31:31Bus number three is Barry Weiss.
31:33Number one is a bronze sculpture of Joan of Arc.
31:35Number two is a resin sculpture of Kathy Bates' character in Misery.
31:39Coincidentally, Misery.
31:40That's the vibe at CBS News right now.
31:44While we're here, I think we should play a quick game of Witch's Hire.
31:47Ooh.
31:47Witch's Hire.
31:48The cost of the resin Kathy Bates' head on Etsy,
31:51or the cost of tuition for one year at Barry Weiss' University of Austin.
31:56Well, it should be the head.
31:58It's beautiful.
31:59Okay, so now it gets into a question of supply and demand, right?
32:02Okay.
32:02So there's only one Kathy Bates' head from Misery.
32:07There's infinite number of seats at the University of Austin.
32:11I want to say Kathy Bates is more.
32:14It's definitely the University of Austin because it's always a grift.
32:19The cost of Kathy Bates' head is $240.
32:21The cost of tuition for one year at the University of Austin is $0 thanks to a $100 million donation
32:30from conservative billionaire Jeff Yass.
32:33You mean bribe?
32:34Donation.
32:37Bribe?
32:38The person who made that bust, give me the camera, that shit costs more than $240.
32:46Shame on you.
32:48Up that price right now.
32:50Who made that mask of Kathy Bates?
32:54Amber has promised you $1,000.
32:58This has been Live Curious.
32:59More after the break.
33:12Welcome back.
33:14It's time for Missing Words.
33:17Here's your headline.
33:19TSA's most unusual finds of 2025 include blank.
33:23That guy's cold balls.
33:27TSA's most unusual finds of 2025 include turtles in a bra.
33:33Oh.
33:34Yes.
33:36Yeah.
33:37The turtle incident occurred last July when TSA officials in Miami caught a woman trying to sneak two turtles past
33:44security in her bra.
33:46And sadly, one of the turtles that was stuffed in the woman's bra did not survive the ordeal.
33:53What a way to go.
33:56If I'm going to die, that's how I want to go.
33:58Last week, TSA revealed a video counting down their weirdest finds of 2025.
34:04Here's TSA's YouTube channel.
34:06This really happened.
34:07Shotgun in a golf bag.
34:09Bullets inside strawberry Nesquik.
34:12Knife hidden in a car seat.
34:14A replica pipe bomb and C4 blocks.
34:18I'm glad to see that my ways of smuggling things were not on that list.
34:23I'm still good.
34:27Here's your headline.
34:29Shoplifter steals blank by stuffing it down his pants.
34:34Turtle.
34:36Shoplifter steals $100 cowboy steak by stuffing it down his pants.
34:43Was it a tomahawk?
34:44It better be for $100.
34:46Better be bone-in.
34:48Here's South Florida local news.
34:49It was bone-in all right.
34:55Here's South Florida local news with the story.
34:58This guy goes up to the high-end steak aisle.
35:01Okay, there's more.
35:02There's also a massive brisket.
35:04I guess he was wearing loose jeans.
35:06Big, big pants.
35:07He came over here, looked around to see if anybody was looking, and he shoved it in his pants.
35:12That barbecue's gonna be real strange.
35:16What is this seasoning?
35:20Here's your headline.
35:22Gen Z turning to AI for blank.
35:25Well, we already know that they're using it as their little girlfriends.
35:28Right, for dating.
35:29And their little therapists.
35:30So this one has to be weirder than that.
35:33Healthcare?
35:34That shit is gone otherwise?
35:37Gen Z turning to AI for STD help.
35:41Oh, my God.
35:43Who else are you gonna tell that your dick hurts?
35:48A new survey says that 20% of Gen Z uses AI chatbots for STI and STD questions.
35:55So, yes, you got a chat GPT and you got chat HPV.
36:01It's probably not a good idea because, number one, you don't have the same privacy protections
36:06that you'd have under HIPAA.
36:08And also, chatbots misdiagnosed 31% of cases.
36:13It's a chatbot.
36:14It's not a doctor.
36:16At best, it went to the University of Austin.
36:22That's missing words.
36:24More after the break.
36:34Welcome back.
36:35It's time for Witch's Hire.
36:36I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
36:38You tell me, Witch's Hire.
36:40This week marks the theatrical release of the documentary film Melania.
36:45The movie follows the president's third wife in the lead-up to her husband's second inauguration
36:50last January.
36:51Here's a clip from the trailer.
36:53Everyone wants to know.
36:55So, here it is.
37:01Hi, Mr. President.
37:03Congratulations.
37:04Did you watch it?
37:05I did not.
37:06Yeah, I will see it on the news.
37:11Did you watch me get my inauguration?
37:14I did not.
37:17That brings us to the question, which is higher?
37:19The number of seats sold for Friday's 3.40 p.m. showing of Melania at AMC's 34th Street Theater
37:26here in New York City?
37:27Or the world record for the number of people who can fit in a smart car?
37:33Which is higher?
37:35Which is higher.
37:38More people can fit in a smart car than went to the 3.30 showing of Melania.
37:42No question.
37:42No notes.
37:44I think that eight people went to see Melania, and I think seven people can fit in that tiny
37:53little car.
37:53The number of seats sold for Friday's 3.40 p.m. showing of Melania at AMC's 34th Street Theater
37:59is 15.
38:00Oh.
38:00And the number of people who can fit in a smart car is 20.
38:07And that smart car number is 100% accurate.
38:12Watch them set the world record.
38:14Oh, no.
38:24I'm laughing.
38:25That's what them Uber pools going to be like pretty soon.
38:27The gas keep going up.
38:30Does anyone know how Melania might actually help the economy?
38:34I mean, it's possible people will self-deport after watching it.
38:41That could bring down housing prices.
38:44It'll help the economy because you can get paid to see the Melania documentary.
38:50What?
38:51What?
38:51According to this Craigslist ad in Boston, you can earn $50 plus the price of admission
38:57if you buy a ticket for any showing in the Boston area this weekend.
39:02Now, people online, they can say anything about the film, but we know the critics saw the film.
39:08What are the critics saying about the Melania documentary?
39:11They got paid $50.
39:14The Independent kicks off their review with the headline, quote,
39:18First Lady is a preening, scowling void of pure nothingness in this ghastly bit of propaganda.
39:29Four stars.
39:32And Variety says, quote,
39:34Melania is a documentary that never comes to life, an orchestrated and airbrushed portrait
39:39that barely rises to the level of a shameless infomercial.
39:44But what about all the Melania fans?
39:47Thankfully, all the Melania-tics out there can stop by Regal Cinemas for their very own Melania popcorn bucket.
39:55Popcorn bucket is $13.
39:57That means you'll still have $37 left to do whatever you want with.
40:02That was Witch's High Era.
40:13Time for Who's That Baby?
40:15I'll show you a famous person's baby picture, and you tell me, who's that baby?
40:22Let's see our baby.
40:24You ever seen a baby that just looked like a Phyllis?
40:27Here are your clues.
40:28This person met their spouse when they were only 12 years old.
40:31Oh, no.
40:32They're an Academy Award winner who also has the titular song on an animated soundtrack.
40:38And at the Paris Olympics, they had a famous comeback performance at the base of the Eiffel Tower.
40:43Celine Dion?
40:45Yeah.
40:45That baby, Celine Dion.
40:47Aw.
40:48The spouse thing at 12 is sad.
40:50They didn't get married at 12.
40:53Bonus question just to your ass.
40:55Uh-huh.
40:56What size shoe does Celine Dion wear?
40:59How would you ask that unless it was massive?
41:02Uh, I would say 12.
41:04Big old feet.
41:05Her feet will go on.
41:06Uh-huh.
41:19What size do you have?
41:21I'll make them work.
41:22I'll make them fit.
41:23I will walk the shoe.
41:25I walk the shoe.
41:26The shoe don't walk me.
41:28That's how she can hit those high notes because her feet are so tight.
41:32Oh!
41:33That was Who's That Baby.
41:35I want to thank our guests, Tara Setmeyer and Nimesh Patel.
41:39And, of course, thank you to our team captains, Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
41:44I'm Roy with Julian.
41:45I'll see you next week for another episode of Have I Got News For You.
41:48Good night.
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