- 8 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:36Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
00:38I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:40In the news this week,
00:43House Speaker reacts to shirtless Jacob Lorty
00:46in Wuthering Heights.
00:47I think that that should give all of us
00:51cause to pause and think,
00:53hmm, I wonder what this is about.
00:55Substitute teacher sees right through your little antics.
00:58I see, we switched up our seating chart.
01:00CDC releases new vaccine guidelines.
01:02I'm not scared of a germ.
01:04You know, I used to snort cocaine off the toilet seats.
01:08On Emerson tonight, he's a journalist,
01:10and this year he was chosen as one of Forbes 30 Under 30,
01:13so I'm hoping he can put in a good word for me
01:15for Forbes 40 Over 40.
01:17It's Aaron Parnas.
01:22And joining Michael,
01:24he is a legendary Canadian actor and comedian
01:27who was a co-founder and star of Kids in the Hall,
01:30and we were charged a 6% tariff just to bring him here.
01:34Scott Thompson, everybody.
01:39Now, for the biggest stories of the week,
01:42Amber, Aaron, please watch the clip
01:45and tell me what is this story?
01:48This is Pam Bondi testifying about Epstein,
01:53and she talked and talked and talked
01:55and didn't say shit.
01:58The story is Pam Bondi in Trump's Department of Justice.
02:01The DOJ has America saying WTF,
02:04and it all starts with a certain PDF file
02:06full of PDF files.
02:10On Wednesday, Attorney General Pam Bondi
02:12appeared before the House Judiciary Committee
02:14to answer questions about her handling
02:17of the Epstein files,
02:19and Bondi was nothing but a professional.
02:23No, I'm gonna answer the question
02:24the way I want to answer the question.
02:26Your theatrics are ridiculous.
02:28Chairman Jordan, I'm not gonna get in the gutter
02:30with these people.
02:30You don't tell me anything.
02:32Yeah, oh, I did tell you
02:33because we saw what you did in the Senate.
02:35You're a lawyer.
02:35Not even a lawyer.
02:36I'm talking.
02:37I'm talking.
02:37If they're not privileged.
02:39Quiet.
02:39Don't yell at me.
02:40Didn't ask Merrick Garland anything about Epstein.
02:42Not once.
02:43When he was...
02:44Weak sauce.
02:45And also...
02:46You gotta give Pam Bondi this.
02:49She's good at spinning some shit.
02:51What?
02:51You don't get that good overnight.
02:53That's hours of, like,
02:54complaining at McDonald's and Home Depot.
02:57What I really love is this one woman's facial expression.
02:59Just says it all.
03:02Why was Pam Bondi in front of the Judiciary Committee
03:06in the first place?
03:07Because the DOJ wouldn't release the Epstein files
03:09the way they should have.
03:11Redaction, redaction, redaction.
03:12That's all you got.
03:13Yeah, Congress was granted access to unredacted versions of the Epstein files for the first
03:19time.
03:19But they hit some roadblocks.
03:22Uh, question.
03:23What's been standing in the way of Congress gaining full unredacted access to the Epstein
03:29files?
03:30First of all, the Department of Justice, and if you want to see them as a congressperson,
03:33they've got four computers.
03:35Four computers.
03:36There's four computers.
03:38So, um, it would take many months to actually have the time.
03:44I, you know, I only had a few hours.
03:45I think the transparency argument is really kind of a sham because it's not really possible.
03:50Whoa, whoa, whoa.
03:51Did you have to wait to get a computer?
03:52It is not possible.
03:54Four computers.
03:56Like the library, bitch.
03:58Like, you just...
03:59My library has more than four computers.
04:02I gotta be honest.
04:03Turns out, Congress can only look at the files between 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays.
04:09And they have to give the DOJ 24 hours notice before they look at them.
04:12And only members of Congress are allowed to look at the files and log in and read them.
04:17What is the average age of a member of Congress?
04:19It's like 87, 88, something like that.
04:22They don't know how to use computers.
04:25What is the one thing that's making matters even worse once they've accessed the file?
04:29Is it that they're scratch and sniff?
04:33It's because the DOJ is tracking which members of Congress looked at the files
04:38and they're tracking which files they looked at.
04:41We have learned from this photo that the searches that members of Congress are performing
04:46are apparently being tracked and then read by the Department of Justice, by the Attorney General.
04:53If you look at the photo from inside Bundy's binder, you can see she literally has a list of everything
04:59that Representative Jayapal searched for.
05:01One congressperson even clocked what she was doing as it happened.
05:06I'd like to see you flip to the Jared Moskowitz section of the binder.
05:10I'm interested to see what staff provided on the oppo on me.
05:14And because we're in the Olympics, I'm going to give it a grade.
05:16I just want to see how good it is.
05:19So give me your best one.
05:20So first of all, nothing is funny about mocking the Bible and holding up a Trump Bible.
05:26That's what you did.
05:27You made a joke and I find a fence for that.
05:29That's all I have to say.
05:30I want it from the burn book.
05:31Shame.
05:31I want it from the burn book, which is the best one.
05:33What you got?
05:38Maryland Rep. Jimmy Raskin didn't think there was anything fun about Pam's peaking, though.
05:43It is a violation of the separation of powers for them to essentially be monitoring our
05:49computer searches on the Epstein file.
05:52So I think it's outrageous that they would do that.
05:56And it's Orwellian.
05:57And we're going to have some more to say about it soon.
06:00I mean, Mike Johnson and his son monitor each other's porn usage.
06:05So this seems fine.
06:07Bondi continued to blow up throughout her testimony.
06:10And what was the most damning moment for A.G. Bondi during this hearing?
06:15When she was finally honest and was like, look, I love to protect pedophiles.
06:21It's what I was hired to do.
06:22And I'm going to do it.
06:24And I'm going to fight anyone who says I can't.
06:28Do you remember that part?
06:31I do.
06:33I must admit, I was flipping between that and the Olympics, so I must have missed it.
06:36There was a moment where all the survivors, about a dozen of them, stood up, right?
06:40And they all looked at Pam Bondi, and Pam Bondi didn't look at them once.
06:44And that moment right there, I think, ends her tenure as attorney general.
06:51Points for Aaron.
06:53Why would anyone ever expect Pam Bondi to make a stand against assault?
06:58She made a big show right at the beginning of the administration.
07:01We're going to get out these files, and she gave them to a bunch of right-wing influencers,
07:06and she was making a whole big deal of it.
07:08The reason why it's so shocking that Pam Bondi is against defending victims of assault
07:13is because she said she would in 2014 during this campaign act.
07:19Florida ranks third nationally in calls for help for human trafficking,
07:24where young women and children are enslaved and abused.
07:28I'll fight to put human trafficking monsters where they belong behind bars.
07:34Pam Bondi, our attorney general.
07:37That's our attorney general, you're booing.
07:41Boo!
07:45I'll put human traffickers behind bars.
07:48By bars, I mean little black bars on sheets of paper.
07:53Bars are slimming.
07:55They are.
07:55Yes.
07:56That's what they told me when they put me in jail the first time.
08:00Here's Pam saying what we should be talking about instead.
08:03The Dow is over $50,000.
08:06I don't know why you're laughing.
08:07You're a great stock trader, as I hear, Raskin.
08:09The Dow is over $50,000 right now.
08:14The S&P at almost $7,000.
08:17And the NASDAQ smashing records.
08:20Americans' 401ks and retirement savings are booming.
08:25That's what we should be talking about.
08:28What does the Dow have to do with anything?
08:29That's what they just asked?
08:31Are you kidding?
08:32The stock market did fall below $50,000 after she finished testifying.
08:41You were at that hearing, right?
08:42I was right outside.
08:43They didn't let me in.
08:44Did you speak to the survivors?
08:46Yeah.
08:46And what can you share about what they said after the hearing?
08:50They're horrified, right?
08:51They're horrified.
08:52It's not just Pam Bondi.
08:54It's been five administrations.
08:55It's been several departments of justice.
08:58They just want justice.
08:59And instead, they get their own witness statements that they told the FBI, and it's all blacked
09:04out.
09:04They can't even see their own documents.
09:06Wow.
09:06Right?
09:07So they're horrified.
09:08Uh, Bondi wasn't the only Trump administration official to testify about Epstein this week.
09:14Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick answered questions about his relationship with the Apex
09:20pedophile before a congressional committee this week.
09:23What did Howard have to say about his association with Epstein?
09:28That it was nothing.
09:31Why are you even talking about it?
09:33Barely, barely knows the guy.
09:35Yes, they spent a lot of time together.
09:39He was letting it.
09:40I did have lunch with him as I was on a boat going across on a family vacation.
09:46My wife was with me, as were my four children and nannies.
09:51I had another couple with, they were there as well with their children, and we had lunch
09:58on the island.
09:59That is true.
10:00For an hour, and we left with all of my children.
10:05He knows how bad it is because he felt the need to say that he left with his children.
10:12If I, if I go to a friend's house for lunch with my kids and I'm telling somebody about
10:19it, I then don't say, and my children left too.
10:22Who's actually facing consequences for their connections to Epstein and being in the files?
10:29The royal formerly known as Prince.
10:31That's one of them.
10:31Oh, that's true.
10:32When you say Prince, you got to put Andrew right behind that immediately.
10:35Right, right.
10:36The black people know.
10:37You don't just, you don't just go formerly known as Prince.
10:41You're like, no.
10:44There's a bunch of Brits, I feel like, who are in a lot of trouble.
10:47Oh, you got the ambassador, Mendelssohn.
10:49You got the sultan from Dubai, who has just resigned today.
10:53Wait, sultans can resign?
10:54Well, I think his first name's Sultan.
10:56Oh, okay.
10:58That's right, baby.
10:59Get up.
11:03And then there's Elon Musk.
11:06Who's Elon Musk been coming for this week?
11:09It's Steve Bannon.
11:09That sounds so right, Aaron.
11:11I want to trade teammates.
11:13Yeah.
11:15It is Steve Bannon.
11:18Despite being mentioned in the files himself, Elon's been tweeting about human mucinect blob
11:22Steve Bannon.
11:24Bannon's all over the files.
11:26He and Jeffrey Epstein have a selfie together.
11:29And in 2019, the same year Epstein went to jail for the last time, Bannon texted Epstein
11:35an offer to rebuild his image by producing a documentary about what a great philanthropist
11:42he is.
11:44Yes.
11:44The name of that documentary?
11:46Melania.
11:49Now, Pam Bondi might not be interested in what Epstein's victims have to say,
11:54but some of those victims sat down with NBC News just after the hearing.
11:59So there's the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, and then there's the crimes of the cover-up.
12:04And she's part of that continuing cover-up.
12:07So she didn't apologize for that.
12:08So like, oh, the theater.
12:10And I'm like, yes, you're the main character in this.
12:13The circus act.
12:14Yes.
12:15She was a comedian today.
12:17Everyone was laughing at her.
12:18Do you believe they did the best they could?
12:24Do they not know the Dow is at 50,000?
12:28Michael and Scott, watch the clip.
12:30Tell me, what's the story?
12:31All right.
12:32Bitcoin.
12:33So that's fake money and fake people.
12:36And that's a flag of a...
12:38Puerto Rico?
12:39No, I don't think so.
12:40But good guess.
12:41Is that the flag of Puerto Rico?
12:42No.
12:42Oh, that's Trump's tie.
12:43Yes.
12:44Okay.
12:44So we've got...
12:45Is Bitcoin the same as Doge?
12:49I don't know much about finance.
12:51Right.
12:51Yeah.
12:52Or apparently anything.
12:53Not really.
12:55This has something to do with Trump's...
12:57AI.
12:58It's AI.
12:58All right.
12:59We're going to go with AI.
13:01The story is Trump got elected a second time,
13:04looked around at all the people who wanted something from him,
13:06and he hit him with that famous line from Jerry Maguire.
13:08I didn't shoplift the pootie.
13:15It's supposed to be show me the money.
13:19According to the New York Times,
13:22Donald Trump has made $1,408,500,000 off of this presidency.
13:29Yeah.
13:30Question.
13:31What has been Trump's biggest moneymaker since he became president?
13:37Well, it's not the Melania movie.
13:39Nope.
13:40Is it his Bitcoin?
13:42Yeah.
13:43It's his crypto.
13:43Crypto.
13:44What is that?
13:45Instead of real dollars that are in your pocket,
13:49Bitcoin is imaginary money.
13:51It's on the Internet.
13:53You can't really spend it at a lot of places,
13:55nor does it do a lot of stuff,
13:57but it is real.
14:01I mean, it's all just a bunch of gold bars somewhere, right?
14:04Are we getting into a conversation about financial architecture right now?
14:08Yes.
14:10In Sumerian times, people...
14:12No.
14:13So, according to the New York Times,
14:15since taking office,
14:16the Trumps have made at least $867 million
14:19through various cryptocurrencies.
14:23In 2024,
14:25while Trump was between presidencies
14:27and on trial for all the crimes
14:29and all of that stuff,
14:30a lot of banks didn't want to do business
14:32with the Trumps.
14:33So Don Jr. and Eric
14:35went around to all the banks
14:36and they started a company
14:38called World Liberty Financial.
14:41They did that with a friend of theirs,
14:42Zach Woodcoff,
14:43and that's Zach,
14:44seen here celebrating Black History Month.
14:48And Eric and Don Jr.
14:50basically formed this dollar-pegged stablecoin
14:53called USD1.
14:55We all know what a stablecoin is.
14:56Of course, Michael,
14:57why wouldn't you explain it?
14:58A stablecoin is a cryptocurrency
15:03that holds horses.
15:05Exactly.
15:08The difference between a stablecoin
15:10and other forms of crypto
15:11is that a stablecoin
15:12is tied to an actual currency,
15:14so it's more likely to hold its value
15:17and not see as many peaks and valleys.
15:18So Trump's World Liberty Financial
15:21essentially gets a cut of every sale
15:23involving their coin,
15:25and they get a cut of the interest.
15:27So here's a fun multiple-choice question.
15:30Which nefarious-sounding global player
15:33has a huge stake
15:35in Trump-run World Liberty Financial?
15:39Secretariat.
15:41Secretariat.
15:44Is it Sheikh Tanun Ben-Zayed Al-Nayan,
15:47a.k.a. the spy sheikh,
15:50Boris Rusnikoff,
15:51a.k.a. the KG Beast,
15:54or Toshi Yamamoto?
15:57Number one.
15:58Oh, number one.
16:00Trump would never get involved
16:02with somebody from the UAE
16:05called the spy sheikh.
16:08That would not happen.
16:09It was okay because he got involved
16:11four days before he took office,
16:12so he wasn't president.
16:14Oh, well, then it's fine.
16:15Yeah, how about that?
16:15Oh, I shouldn't be fighting you.
16:17We're on the same team.
16:20Yeah, it's Sheikh Tanun Ben-Zayed Al-Nayan,
16:23a.k.a. the spy sheikh,
16:25seen here right after he took out
16:27his last Invisalign trait.
16:30He's a member of the royal family
16:32of the UAE and oversees
16:33a $1.3 trillion empire,
16:36making him one of the most powerful
16:38single investors in the world,
16:40and here's what went down.
16:42Just days before Trump's
16:44second inauguration,
16:45the Journal reports 49%,
16:46nearly half of the Trump family
16:48crypto company World Liberty Financial
16:50was purchased for $500 million
16:53by Sheikh Tanun Ben-Zayed Al-Nayan,
16:56sometimes referred to as
16:57the spy sheikh.
16:58The Journal reporting
16:59the Trump family earned
17:00an upfront payment
17:01of an estimated $187 million
17:04in the deal,
17:04with another $31 million
17:06reportedly going to the family
17:07of Trump's Middle East envoy
17:09Steve Whitkoff.
17:10Spy sheikh, invest a bunch of money
17:12in the Trump situation?
17:14What do you think he got
17:15in return for that investment?
17:19AI, AI.
17:20A thank you note?
17:23Months later,
17:23the Trump administration
17:24approved something
17:25the sheikh and others
17:26in the UAE long coveted,
17:28the sale of hundreds
17:29of thousands
17:30of cutting-edge
17:31American artificial
17:32intelligence chips
17:33to that country,
17:34a move the previous
17:35administration blocked
17:36where the state-of-the-art technology
17:38could be sold
17:39or smuggled to China.
17:40I don't think he's
17:41going to do spy shit
17:42with it.
17:42No, of course.
17:43Why would I?
17:44His name is ironic.
17:48The $1.4 billion
17:49Trump has made
17:50off his presidency
17:51isn't all from crypto.
17:54He still spent
17:55the second term
17:56making some of his money
17:57the old-fashioned way.
17:58My new Trump fragrances
18:00are here.
18:01I've named them
18:01Fight, Fight, Fight
18:02because they represent winning.
18:05We all want to be winning.
18:06We have to win as a nation.
18:08We want to win as a family.
18:09Get yourself a bottle
18:10and don't forget
18:11to grab one
18:12for your loved ones, too.
18:14They'll thank you
18:15and they'll even smell good.
18:27Welcome back.
18:29It's time for the Offend-O-Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us
18:31who's the offender,
18:32what they did,
18:33and who they offended.
18:35Offender on the screen, please.
18:36Who is this offender?
18:39That's the skier
18:40from the Olympics
18:42who said,
18:43hey, you know,
18:43I'm not necessarily thrilled
18:45with everything
18:45that's going on
18:46in the U.S. right now, right?
18:47Yes, yes.
18:49Hess?
18:49Hess is Hunter.
18:50Yes, Hunter Hess.
18:52Yes, that is Olympic
18:53freestyle skier Hunter Hess,
18:54not to be confused
18:55with his brother,
18:56Gatherer Hess.
19:01Hunter offended
19:03Senator Rick Scott,
19:05seen here just before
19:06outlawing dancing.
19:09You remember them zombies
19:10in I Am Legend?
19:11Yes.
19:12Yes.
19:13Yes.
19:14Oh, yeah.
19:16Hunter offended Rick Scott
19:17by speaking out
19:18about representing
19:19the United States
19:21in complicated times.
19:22Just listen.
19:23It brings up mixed emotions
19:24to represent the U.S.
19:26right now, I think.
19:28It's a little hard.
19:29There's obviously
19:30a lot going on
19:31that I'm not the biggest fan of,
19:33and I think a lot of people aren't.
19:34Just because I'm wearing the flag
19:35doesn't mean I represent
19:36everything that's going on
19:38in the U.S.
19:41While you're so busy
19:43looking at all that patriotism,
19:44what y'all missed in that picture
19:45was a dude sitting next to him
19:46named Burke Irving.
19:48That is such a great
19:50broadcaster name.
19:51I'm Tim Johnson
19:52alongside the fabulous
19:53Hall of Famer
19:54Burke Irving.
19:54Burke.
19:55Get ready for some
19:56exciting football action today.
19:58Now, how did Senator Scott
20:00respond to that
20:02measured statement?
20:03Very calmly.
20:05He told him
20:06the stock market
20:08is at $53,000.
20:10Here's for Scott
20:12being very offended.
20:14Any person
20:15who goes to the Olympics
20:17to represent the United States
20:19and then
20:19says they don't want
20:21to represent the United States
20:22should be immediately
20:24stripped of the Olympic uniform.
20:26So that I can inspect
20:28their bodies.
20:32And Senator Scott
20:33wasn't alone.
20:34Donald Trump joined
20:35into the fray, of course.
20:36Trump called his, quote,
20:38a real loser
20:39with a capital L
20:40and said it's
20:41very hard to root
20:42for someone like this.
20:44Yeah.
20:45It's also what he said
20:46about rob on traitors.
20:48All in all,
20:49Americans at the Olympics
20:51are struggling
20:52with their reputation,
20:53just like those at home,
20:54but they're certainly
20:55not the only ones
20:57having a weird time
20:58at the Olympics.
20:59Does anyone know
21:01how the Norwegian
21:03biathlete
21:04Sterla Holm-Legreed
21:06reacted
21:07when winning
21:08a bronze medal?
21:09He's the cheater.
21:10What happened
21:10with the Norwegian
21:11biathlete?
21:12You shout it, Aaron.
21:13I think he's the cheater, right?
21:15But not...
21:16Oh, my God!
21:17He didn't cheat
21:17at the sport.
21:18So this is what I heard.
21:22This man,
21:23while he was being interviewed
21:25after he had won
21:27or lost,
21:28who gives a shit?
21:29Because the lady
21:30is interviewing him
21:31and he's like,
21:32yeah, I did what I could
21:34and I cheated on my wife!
21:38I'm so sorry!
21:40Aired their dirty laundry
21:42at the Olympics.
21:44Ain't no way
21:45she's taking him back.
21:46So he gets a bronze medal
21:48in the biathlon
21:49and first, of course,
21:51you get the interview
21:52and you thank your family
21:53and your country
21:54and the supporters
21:55and then the reporter
21:56simply asked him,
21:57how do you feel
21:59about winning
22:00a bronze medal?
22:01And he said...
22:03For et halvt origin
22:03som vette mitt livs kjærlighet
22:05er verdens vakreste, fineste person.
22:10Uh...
22:11Og på tre måneder siden
22:11så gav meg største tabbe
22:13og var utro mot henne.
22:15This is a Wendy's, bro!
22:17Maybe he wouldn't have gotten bronze
22:19without cheating.
22:21Maybe he should have cheated more.
22:23Yes!
22:24Guilt is a powerful fuel.
22:27It definitely fueled my career.
22:29Question on to the panel.
22:31Should this woman
22:32take him back?
22:34No.
22:37Amber, you's a women's.
22:38Would you take back somebody
22:40after a beautiful, grand gesture?
22:42This is supposed to be my moment
22:43and I made it about
22:45reconciling with you.
22:46I might take back someone
22:48after cheating,
22:49but not after everybody knows
22:52people who don't know us
22:54know you fucking around.
22:56I don't think he thought
22:57that that was the way
22:58back into her good graces.
23:00I think he was just
23:00overwhelmed with guilt.
23:02It would be very funny
23:03if she goes out tonight
23:04and fuck somebody
23:06who won a silver medal.
23:12Let's see your offender.
23:15Who's this offender?
23:16Uh-oh.
23:17That's Carney.
23:18That's your leader.
23:19Yeah.
23:19Oh!
23:20I might know something.
23:21You know this one?
23:22No, I know who he is.
23:23Okay, who is it?
23:24That's Carney.
23:25Okay, that's Canadian
23:26Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:27Yes.
23:28Who did he offend?
23:29Me?
23:32I'll take it once.
23:33Oh, Trump!
23:34He offended Trump
23:35because at the speech
23:36in the WEF, right?
23:38Yes!
23:38He made that beautiful speech.
23:39Oh!
23:41One for me!
23:43One for me!
23:44One for me!
23:46Yes.
23:47That is Canadian
23:48Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:50Carney offended Donald Trump
23:51by building a bridge
23:52between Winter Canada
23:53and Detroit, Michigan.
23:54And if that doesn't
23:55sound offensive,
23:56you're not alone
23:57because Trump's reaction
23:58was just watch
24:00the Fox Business Club.
24:01A new battle
24:02over a bridge crossing
24:03between Detroit
24:04and Ontario
24:05has fueled the mayor
24:06of Windsor
24:06to call President Trump
24:08quote, insane.
24:09I love this.
24:11It's the Gordie Howe bridge,
24:13right?
24:13Yes, but Gordie Howe
24:14is like one of the few things
24:15that I feel like
24:16America and Canada
24:17can share upon.
24:18He's a Canadian-born
24:19hockey player
24:19who made his name
24:21for himself in Detroit.
24:22Question to the panel.
24:23What is Donald Trump's
24:24problem with this bridge?
24:27This is what I heard.
24:29The bridge that's there now,
24:33he makes no money off of.
24:36Ooh.
24:37And that's why
24:38he doesn't like it.
24:39Trump claims
24:39the United States
24:40is being taken advantage of.
24:41In Iran on Truth Social
24:43Monday,
24:44the president said,
24:45quote,
24:45they own both the Canada
24:47and the U.S. side
24:48and of course,
24:49they built it
24:50with virtually
24:51no U.S. supplies.
24:53And here's
24:53Canadian Prime Minister
24:55Mark Carney.
24:57explaining what
24:58he told
24:59our president.
25:00I explained that
25:01Canada paid
25:02for the construction
25:03of the bridge,
25:03that the ownership
25:04is shared
25:05between the state
25:06of Michigan
25:06and the government
25:07of Canada,
25:08and that in the
25:09construction of the bridge,
25:10obviously there's
25:11Canadian steel,
25:12Canadian workers,
25:12but also U.S. steel,
25:14U.S. workers
25:14that are involved.
25:15I don't believe him.
25:17In that same post,
25:19what did Trump
25:20claim China
25:21has planned
25:23for Canada?
25:23I know this.
25:24Tell him.
25:24He says that
25:25China's going to
25:26cancel the Stanley Cup.
25:29Yeah, it's true.
25:32They're going to stop us
25:33from playing hockey.
25:34That's right.
25:35Which is easy for me.
25:36Trump said,
25:37quote,
25:37the first thing
25:38China will do
25:38is terminate
25:40all ice hockey
25:41being played in Canada
25:42and permanently
25:43eliminate
25:44the Stanley Cup.
25:45Yeah.
25:46He will also
25:47eliminate sex scenes
25:48from heated rivalry.
25:52I don't know
25:53what that show is.
25:53I just trust the writers.
25:56Now, even though
25:57Trump's post seems
25:58like it came out
25:59of a book
25:59of Canadian Mad Libs,
26:01Trump may have
26:02an actual reason
26:04why he opposes
26:05the bridge.
26:06Didn't a
26:07other bridge builder
26:09meet with Trump's
26:10commerce secretary
26:11a few hours before
26:12this rant
26:13on Truth Social?
26:14Points.
26:16Yeah.
26:17It's because
26:18a Republican donor
26:19owning a competing bridge
26:21wants to keep
26:22making toll money
26:23from the bridge
26:24that already exists
26:25and they believe
26:26the new Gordie Howe bridge
26:27will draw
26:27some of the toll dollars down.
26:29So on Monday,
26:30a billionaire named
26:31Matthew Moran
26:32had a meeting
26:33with the secretary
26:33of commerce,
26:34Howard Letnick.
26:36During the meeting,
26:37he allegedly lobbied
26:38the administration
26:38to oppose
26:39the Gordie Howe bridge
26:41and just hours later,
26:43wouldn't you know it,
26:44it's Truth Social O'Clock,
26:46baby.
26:47But he took 25%
26:48terrorist off it
26:48in the very middle
26:49so as soon as you
26:50cross halfway
26:51you fall into the river.
26:54That was
26:54Offend-O-Meter.
27:07Welcome back.
27:09Let's do like Curious.
27:12I'll give you
27:12three biographical details
27:14about a public figure
27:14but only one is true
27:15and you have to guess
27:16which is the truth
27:17and which are
27:18wonderful lies.
27:20Time for three facts
27:21about New York
27:21congressional candidate
27:22and JFK's grandson
27:24Jack Schlossberg
27:26kind of looks like
27:27all the white people
27:28from Stranger Things
27:29mashed together.
27:31Our facts about Jack are
27:32he eats a can of sardines
27:34a day.
27:35He once got stuck
27:36in an escape room
27:37overnight.
27:38He holds a patent
27:39on a musical frisbee
27:40called the Frizoobie.
27:42Team Michael,
27:43which one
27:43is the truth?
27:43Damn it,
27:44I want it to be
27:44Frizoobie so badly.
27:46Me too,
27:46but I think it's two.
27:48You think he got stuck
27:48in an escape room?
27:49Yes.
27:50I think he's still there.
27:51All right,
27:52we're going with two.
27:53Team Amber.
27:54Don't he look like
27:55a sardine-eating man?
27:57I think we want
27:58to go with one.
27:59Jack Schlossberg
28:00eats a can
28:02of sardines
28:02a day.
28:04Jack told
28:05the New York Times
28:06that he eats,
28:07quote,
28:07just about a can
28:09of sardines
28:10every day.
28:10That's the
28:11Heathcliff diet.
28:13That wasn't.
28:14Now,
28:15Jack's famous
28:15for his flamboyant
28:17presence on TikTok.
28:18Question,
28:19who did Jack say
28:20it's the most beautiful
28:21woman in the world?
28:23Amber Ruffin.
28:25According to
28:26Jack Schlossberg,
28:27this is the most
28:28beautiful woman
28:29in the world.
28:30This one goes out
28:31to Usha Vance,
28:32the most beautiful
28:33woman in the world.
28:34Whenever you're ready,
28:35I'm here for you.
28:36Now she's back
28:38in the atmosphere
28:39and drops
28:40Jupiter in her head.
28:43This isn't the way,
28:44Usha.
28:46Was he joking?
28:47Or was he shooting
28:49a shot?
28:49Was he trolling?
28:51What was that?
28:51It's the fault
28:51of the young political.
28:52You're of the TikTok world.
28:54What was it?
28:55He's running for Congress.
28:56That's what it was.
28:57If only he'd had
28:58a frizubi
28:59to do his singing
29:00for him.
29:02I mean,
29:02but Jack is a very
29:03charismatic figure
29:04and to your point,
29:05Aaron,
29:05he is running for Congress
29:06so you have to have
29:07a different approach
29:08to social media.
29:09Draw attention
29:10to yourself
29:10because Jack
29:11really likes
29:13to go off
29:13on TikTok.
29:14Take a look.
29:19Are you sure
29:20you want to
29:21close the border?
29:23Because then
29:23you're stuck
29:24with me
29:25and my army.
29:27My army
29:28of little freaks.
29:31Wouldn't you like
29:31to see him question
29:32Pam Bondi?
29:34Yeah,
29:35he might be
29:35the next representative
29:36of New York's
29:3712th congressional district,
29:38which, by the way,
29:39includes this very
29:40broadcast studio
29:41here in Manhattan
29:42that we're sitting
29:43in right now.
29:44Does anyone know
29:45what big endorsement
29:47Jack secured
29:48this week?
29:49Nancy Pelosi.
29:51Holy sh...
29:52That's my teammate
29:53right there.
29:54Nancy Pelosi
29:55said in a statement,
29:57quote,
29:57this moment calls
29:58for leaders
29:59who understand
29:59the stakes
30:00and how to deliver
30:01for the people
30:03they serve.
30:04And if there's
30:04one thing
30:05Jack Schlossberg
30:06knows how to do
30:07is serve.
30:08Hey, everybody,
30:09don't give up
30:09on your team.
30:15That's not what
30:16your people
30:16can do for you,
30:17but why you can
30:18be in a Walmart
30:19now, fuck.
30:20Time for three facts
30:22about Kentucky
30:22congressmen
30:23and a man
30:24whose skull
30:24is 20% too large.
30:27James Comer.
30:28Our facts
30:29about James are
30:30he went to college
30:31on a jazz dance
30:32scholarship.
30:33He was a baby model.
30:35He had a pet kangaroo
30:37as a child.
30:38Which one is the truth?
30:40Look, he got a big head
30:43and that's baby
30:44model material.
30:46100%.
30:46You know?
30:47Team Michael,
30:47I want to go
30:48against type here.
30:49Yeah, I'm going to go
30:50with jazz dance scholarship.
30:51We think he had
30:51a jazz dance scholarship.
30:54Yes, we do.
30:54James Comer
30:55was a baby model.
30:56What?
30:57As he posted
30:58on his Instagram,
30:59Comer appeared
31:00with his younger brother
31:01in a 1975 ad
31:03for Youth Fashions
31:05in Thompson'sville, Kentucky.
31:06First off,
31:07them two kids
31:07look haunted.
31:09Them look like
31:10the kids should be
31:10in the hotel
31:11and then they just
31:12be in the hallway.
31:12She doesn't like it
31:14when you open the door.
31:16Got on them polio overalls.
31:19James Comer's
31:20in the news this week
31:21because he's the chair
31:22of the House
31:23Oversight Committee
31:24which in two weeks
31:25will be holding
31:26depositions featuring
31:27Bill and Hillary Clinton.
31:29Seen here
31:30in happier times.
31:33Panel,
31:34what is Bill Clinton
31:35suggesting for his
31:37Epstein deposition?
31:38He wants a show.
31:39He wants a show?
31:41He wants cameras.
31:41Bill Clinton says
31:42that he wants
31:43his Epstein deposition
31:44to be a public hearing.
31:46Clinton said last week,
31:48quote,
31:49let's stop playing games
31:50and do this the right way
31:51in a public hearing
31:52where the American people
31:53can see for themselves
31:54what this is really about.
31:56He also said,
31:57quote,
31:58I have called
31:59for a full release
32:00of the Epstein final.
32:01Don't say full release
32:03when you say Epstein final.
32:06Don't say that.
32:07This has been
32:08Lycurious.
32:08More after the break.
32:10Come on.
32:20Welcome back.
32:21It's time for Missing Words.
32:24Here's your headline.
32:25Waymo admits
32:26that it's autopilot
32:27is often blank.
32:29Waymo admits
32:30that it's autopilot
32:32is often on autopilot.
32:34It's often in Manila.
32:35Ooh.
32:36I think that's true.
32:37Waymo admits
32:38that it's autopilot
32:39is often just guys
32:41from the Philippines.
32:42I told you.
32:42The Manila.
32:43You all right.
32:43You all right.
32:43I told you.
32:44During testimony
32:45before Congress last week,
32:46Waymo's chief safety officer
32:48noted that when the company's
32:49robo-taxis
32:50encounter an unusual situation,
32:53they may request
32:54real-time input
32:55from a remote response agent.
32:59Human,
33:00please control this thing
33:02from way over
33:02on the other side
33:03of the earth
33:04with your PlayStation controller.
33:06Question,
33:07what did one Waymo
33:08in Los Angeles
33:09do recently
33:10that might count
33:11as an unusual situation?
33:14It kidnapped someone
33:15and drove them
33:16to the Philippines?
33:18In Los Angeles,
33:20a Waymo
33:21hit a child.
33:23No.
33:23In late January,
33:25a Waymo in Santa Monica
33:26hit a child
33:26during a drop-off
33:27at a local school.
33:28Everybody was okay.
33:29Here's the more amazing thing.
33:31The local parents
33:32truly don't give a shit.
33:34I think that
33:34those types of incidents
33:36are going to happen.
33:38Lots of cars
33:39have incidents
33:40with people in them.
33:41Some of them
33:42are driven by robots.
33:43If it was a regular car,
33:44a regular person,
33:45they may not have
33:45been able to stop.
33:46Got to check her car
33:48for teeth
33:48in the front bumper.
33:50Now, of course,
33:51having a robot
33:52controlled by a person
33:53isn't always
33:54a bad thing.
33:55Sometimes you have
33:56a robot controlled
33:57by a person,
33:57and you get
33:58great videos like this.
34:03Ooh!
34:06It's like the robot
34:07felt the pain.
34:07Like the...
34:08Beautiful.
34:08Here's your headline.
34:10Local bar owner
34:11forced to eat
34:12blank for one month.
34:14Fried pickles?
34:15Olives!
34:16Taco Bell.
34:17Local bar owner
34:18forced to eat
34:19Wendy's chili
34:20for one month.
34:22Oh!
34:23In January,
34:24Larry Shea
34:25of Binghamton, New York,
34:26bet that if golfer
34:27Scotty Scheffler
34:28won the American Express
34:30golf tournament,
34:31he would eat
34:32nothing but
34:33Wendy's chili
34:34for a month.
34:35And wouldn't you know it,
34:37who won the tournament?
34:40Yeah!
34:41Scotty Scheffler
34:42has done it again.
34:44Oh, Scotty,
34:45what have you done?
34:47Wendy's chili
34:49for a month.
34:50I think I could do it.
34:51I could too.
34:52Now, Larry's been
34:53a good sport about it
34:53so far.
34:54Here's Larry with the update
34:55halfway through
34:56the challenge.
34:5711 days in,
34:58it's taking its toll.
35:00Breakfast chili
35:00is not something
35:02I recommend.
35:03I just wish
35:03I could have crackers.
35:05Oh my Lord,
35:06I wish I could have crackers.
35:07If you would have told me
35:08who does Larry look like,
35:10that's what Larry
35:11would look like.
35:12Yeah.
35:12Here's your headline.
35:14Blank terrorized
35:15Wisconsin town.
35:17Cheese curds.
35:18That's right.
35:19My baby said
35:20cheese curds.
35:22And your baby
35:23is wrong.
35:23Dang it.
35:25Over here.
35:26Chupacabra?
35:26My baby said
35:28chupacabra.
35:29That's right.
35:30And your baby
35:31is wrong.
35:35Wait,
35:36it's squirrels.
35:38Wild turkeys
35:39terrorized
35:40Wisconsin town.
35:42Here's the story.
35:43Wild turkeys
35:44are attacking people
35:45in the Janesville neighborhood.
35:46People in the area
35:47say the birds
35:48are chasing postal workers,
35:49blocking traffic,
35:50even going after kids.
35:52At first,
35:53I love wildlife.
35:54The turkeys were cool.
35:55You know,
35:55they brought,
35:55you know,
35:56life to the neighborhood.
35:57As it's developed,
35:59they've become a nuisance.
36:01If you didn't know
36:02that was about turkeys,
36:03and I just showed you
36:04that clip,
36:05you would guess
36:06immigrants are black.
36:09You'd go,
36:10who was he annoyed by?
36:11You would not guess.
36:12Well,
36:13surely there's turkeys.
36:15You'd think Canadians.
36:17But to be fair,
36:18in that father's defense,
36:19these are some
36:20very tough turkeys.
36:21Lawrence Meyer
36:22caught this incident
36:23on camera.
36:24Wild turkeys
36:25chasing down
36:26a postal worker.
36:28Our cameras
36:29also caught the flock
36:30chasing down
36:31a rental truck.
36:33And another mail carrier.
36:37That's what they created
36:38Stand Your Ground Lows
36:39for right there.
36:41That was missing words.
36:42More after the break.
36:53Welcome back.
36:54It's time for Witch's Hire.
36:55I'll give you two
36:56unrelated numbers
36:57from the news.
36:57You tell me,
36:58Witch's Hire.
36:59Now,
36:59this is a Valentine's Day
37:01weekend,
37:01of course.
37:02The only holiday
37:03where you can
37:03go to Walgreens
37:04to get candy
37:05and then return
37:06to Walgreens later
37:07for a pregnancy test.
37:11Now,
37:11that brings us
37:12to the question,
37:13which is higher?
37:15The price of a bouquet
37:16of 100 long-stem roses
37:18from 1-800-Flowers,
37:20or
37:20this 5-inch-tall
37:22Swavovski
37:22Crystal Shrek?
37:25Team Amber.
37:26I feel like
37:27a dozen roses
37:28costs $50.
37:30On those websites,
37:31double it.
37:32Really?
37:33Yeah.
37:33It's about 70
37:34for a dozen.
37:35How do you know
37:36how much a dozen roses
37:37is possible?
37:38I've been known...
37:38Are you buying
37:39a dozen roses
37:40for somebody's worth?
37:41This year,
37:42I've been known
37:43to apologize.
37:47I'm gonna say
37:48the bouquet of roses
37:50costs $780.
37:54Okay.
37:54And I think
37:55the Shrek
37:55costs fucking
37:56$1.99.
37:58Who wants that thing?
38:00That's Swarovski
38:01Crystal.
38:02It's the crystal.
38:02It's the crystal.
38:03Okay, Team Michael,
38:04which one do you think
38:05is higher?
38:05We think it's
38:06the crystal Shrek.
38:07We think crystal.
38:07We think a little
38:08Swarovski
38:08Crystal Shrek.
38:10All right.
38:10The price of a bouquet
38:11of 100 long-stem roses
38:12from 1-800-Flowers
38:13is $529.99.
38:16The price of a
38:175-inch-tall
38:18Swarovski
38:19Crystal Shrek
38:20is $750.
38:23So the price
38:24of the crystal Shrek
38:26is higher.
38:28So crystal Shrek
38:29sounds like
38:30the name
38:30of a stripper
38:32from a questionable
38:34strip establishment.
38:36If you really
38:37want to impress
38:37somebody
38:38and get them
38:38some real crystal,
38:40you can spring
38:41for the Marvel
38:41Avengers display,
38:43which features
38:44approximately
38:4563,000
38:47hand-laid
38:48crystals.
38:49Can anyone guess
38:50how much
38:51the crystal
38:52Avengers?
38:53I want to say
38:53close to $10,000.
38:54I want to say
38:54$7,500.
38:56Yeah.
38:56$15,000
38:57is what we say
38:58and we mean it.
38:59Correct.
39:00Oh, are you saying
39:01it's more expensive
39:02than that?
39:02Think of all
39:03of the labor.
39:03Every one of those
39:04little encrusted
39:05crystals
39:06was laid
39:07with little bitty
39:09tweezers
39:10and a little bit
39:10of glue.
39:12$27,000.
39:13Add a zero
39:13to our guess.
39:14$2 million.
39:17$2 million.
39:18And that's
39:19in Dogecoin.
39:20Yeah, in Doge.
39:20We think it's
39:21$2 million.
39:21The Swarovski
39:22Crystal Avengers
39:23cost $42,000.
39:26It's worth it.
39:27Look at this picture,
39:28ma'am,
39:28and tell me
39:28that don't look
39:28like Chris Evans.
39:32Holt looked like
39:32he just heard
39:33how much
39:33this shit costs.
39:36Now,
39:37your true love
39:37doesn't have to
39:38give you crystal
39:39to show you
39:40that it's real.
39:40They'll appreciate
39:41the little things
39:42like this 10-karat
39:43gold Shrek pendant
39:44covered in cubic
39:46zirconias
39:47for $2,428.75.
39:52It kind of looked
39:53like James Comer
39:54with the gold china.
39:55That was
39:56Witch's Hire.
40:06Time for a game
40:07called
40:08Who That Baby?
40:09I'll show you
40:10I'll show you
40:10a famous person's
40:11baby picture.
40:12Tell me
40:12Who That Baby?
40:14Here are your clues.
40:16They attended
40:16Santa Monica High School.
40:18Oh, no.
40:19They are married
40:19to a podcaster.
40:20They're an architect
40:21of the Trump administration's
40:23family separation policy.
40:25You're telling me
40:25that's what he looked like
40:26before he went bald?
40:27You know who it is.
40:28I do.
40:29Who That Baby?
40:30Stephen Miller.
40:31Yes, indeed.
40:32Homeland Security Advisor
40:33Stephen Miller.
40:35Stephen Miller has,
40:36of course,
40:37devoted a lot of his time
40:38to kicking people
40:39out of the United States,
40:41but he also spends
40:42a lot of time
40:42thinking about space.
40:44Does anyone know
40:45what science fiction series
40:47the Homeland Security
40:48Advisor
40:49grew up a fan of?
40:51What science fiction show
40:53was about Nazis?
40:55Battlestar Galactica.
40:57Battlestar, you got it.
40:58Star Trek Next Generation.
40:59Stephen Miller
41:00is a lifelong Trekkie,
41:02and according to a classmate
41:04in the Vanity Fair profile,
41:06Miller, quote,
41:07really liked this kind of
41:08macho alpha male thing
41:09that was going on
41:10with Captain Kirk.
41:12There's even a photo
41:13of Stephen as a young man
41:14wearing a Starfleet uniform.
41:17There he is,
41:17getting ready to go to prom.
41:19That was Who's That Baby?
41:20I want to thank our guests
41:22Aaron Parnas
41:22and Scott Thompson,
41:23and of course,
41:25team captains Amber Ruffin
41:26and Michael Ian Black.
41:28Before we sign off,
41:30here are a few more stories
41:32we're watching.
41:33Man realizes the guy
41:35he was making fun of
41:36is right behind him.
41:42Rising gas prices
41:43forced co-workers
41:44to commute together.
41:47I'm Roy Wood Jr.,
41:49and I'll see you next week
41:49for another episode
41:50of Have I Got News For You,
41:51and don't forget,
41:52to delete your Epsom files
41:55from your browser history.
41:57Good night.
41:58Good night.
Comments