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00:08Hey Tone, thanks so much for being my guest announcer.
00:11Yeah, no problem.
00:12You know, you're the first person we've had returned from Season 1.
00:14Thanks so much for coming back in.
00:16I didn't come back in.
00:17I haven't left Channel 10 since the last show.
00:20That explains a lot.
00:25Morning Tone.
00:26Hey Sam.
00:31Thanks mate.
00:34Weird.
00:35You're watching 10 News.
00:36The government has hit back at criticism.
00:38Hey, can you put down corners?
00:39I'm trying to keep my eight hours.
00:41Fired by James Packer following a controversial interview yesterday.
00:47What's going on here?
00:48Dinner.
00:49Something I threw together.
00:51That's your dinner?
00:52All the five food groups.
00:56Yoink.
00:57Hey.
00:58A low pressure trough will extend into Victoria tomorrow and that will cause widespread showers and storms.
01:05Hey Jay, what's today's top temperature?
01:0717 and showers.
01:08Oh, good.
01:09Yeah.
01:13As we were saying.
01:16Live across Australia, this is Sam Pang tonight.
01:20And now here's your host, Mr. Sam Pang.
01:27Wow.
01:32Thank you guys.
01:47Thank you very much.
01:48Wow.
01:50Good evening and firstly a big welcome back to my special guest announcer, the one, the
01:55only Tony Martin.
01:57Yes.
02:00I, uh...
02:01Good to see you, Tony.
02:02I never left, Sam.
02:04I've been hanging out in the abandoned offices of 10 Peach for the last six months.
02:10Where this show may end up, the way things are going by the way, Tony.
02:13It's great to have you here.
02:14Let's get on with it.
02:14We begin this week on the Gold Coast, where tens of thousands of year 12 students have descended
02:20for schoolies, and authorities say the culture has changed.
02:24I'm not so sure.
02:25The school leavers are actually engaging in a lot more daytime activities that doesn't
02:29include excessive consumption of alcohol.
02:31Have a bit of alcohol, have a cheeky beer, you know.
02:33I've got four shots there, there's chick sots over there.
02:35A week of just drinking, I guess.
02:4016 schoolies blacked out during that clip alone.
02:43Any advice for the kids up there, Tony?
02:45Oh, uh, yeah, watch out for toolies, uh, the hoolie-doolies, and inflammation of the
02:51ghoulies.
02:57Well, also, please remember to use sunscreen, too, if you're up there.
03:00You don't want to get sunburn on your herpes.
03:07In political news this week, One Nation's Pauline Hanson is attempting to lure
03:12Barnaby Joyce to her party by making him a home-cooked meal.
03:17True story.
03:19Why do I have the feeling those two are about to come up with a brand new slur?
03:26Either that or it's an elaborate trap to deport an Uber Eats delivery person.
03:32One or the other.
03:33In all seriousness, I would love to be a fly on the wall for that dinner.
03:37A fly that would listen for two minutes and then fly directly into the zapper to kill itself.
03:46But really, why is Pauline cooking dinner on a first date?
03:49It's Barnaby Joyce.
03:50Go for drinks, by the way.
03:55That man's a senator.
03:58Staying with politics, the G20 World Leaders Summit was in South Africa, but President Trump
04:02boycotted the event for an event closer to his heart.
04:08That's right, the McDonald's Global Impact Summit.
04:12Where, in some big news, he revealed his most controversial policy yet.
04:17Because no matter who you are, everyone loves something at McDonald's.
04:22I like the fish.
04:24I like it.
04:26You could do a little bit more tartar sauce, please.
04:32The fillet of fish.
04:33The fillet of fish.
04:34Not my first choice.
04:36You know what?
04:37I was on board with that guy, but now I'm really starting to question his judgement.
04:44Moving on in some Neanderthal news and the discovery that kissing actually began more than 21 million
04:50years ago with evidence that Neanderthals and early humans were likely to have kissed.
04:56Now, if you're curious what humans kissing Neanderthals look like,
05:01Love Island Australia is currently airing on Channel 9.
05:07Meanwhile, scientists also say it was around 20 million years ago that Neanderthal aunties
05:12first started kissing nephews on the lips.
05:15It's true, I remember that.
05:20Tone, this one's for you.
05:22The Tasmanian gallery Mona has reportedly lost $408 million since it opened in 2011.
05:28Now, here at Channel 10, we call that our business model.
05:34We'd actually kill for that number.
05:37Mona founder and gambling billionaire David Walsh says he doesn't mind losing $408 million.
05:43And for more stories like that, check out this week's edition of Unrelatable magazine.
05:51In some royal news, Meghan Markle has praised Prince Harry saying he loves me boldly.
05:56You can read more about that story in Who Gives a Shit magazine.
06:06Staying in Hollywood and in a rare interview, Kevin Spacey has revealed that he's homeless.
06:12That's right. Tony, are you aware of this story?
06:13Yes, I've just read about it on page six of I Don't Give a Shit magazine.
06:25Is the name of that magazine again, Tony?
06:27It's Who Gives a Shit magazine.
06:31But they do a second edition.
06:32It's a later edition.
06:34Well, it was maybe in that edition that I read the article too.
06:37And Spacey says he's living in hotels and Airbnbs.
06:41So I suppose he's technically homeless.
06:43Just like he's technically innocent.
06:50Sorry, we've got some Kevi Spacen fans in here tonight.
06:52To some sporting news, and this is big news.
06:55The tiny Caribbean island of Curacao has qualified for the 2006 FIFA World Cup, becoming the smallest country ever to
07:02do so.
07:02Fantastic.
07:03Well done.
07:04Curacao!
07:05Curacao!
07:06Curacao!
07:08Curacao!
07:09Curacao!
07:10Curacao!
07:12All right.
07:13Well, it's like we rehearsed it.
07:17Great news for Curacao.
07:19And in some sporting news from the future, the tiny Caribbean island of Curacao has become the smallest country to
07:25be eliminated from the 2026 FIFA World Cup.
07:29Good old Curacao forever.
07:33They don't know how to play the game.
07:38They're in the World Cup zone.
07:39Yeah.
07:39So that's good news.
07:40Is that a Curacao flag?
07:41No idea.
07:42Right here.
07:45The name of that magazine again, Tony.
07:48They don't give a shit.
07:52Now here's some exciting food news this week.
07:54Over in the US, Heinz has unveiled their new leftover gravy sauce for Thanksgiving.
07:59I know, it's a novel concept to get your head around.
08:02The idea that Americans have leftovers.
08:07And Paul Kelly has already cashed in with his new Christmas single, How To Make Leftover Gravy.
08:15Another shameless cash grab from a sad, irrelevant artist way past his prime.
08:22Merry Christmas, Paul.
08:24And finally, congratulations to Miss Mexico, who was crowned Miss Universe 2025.
08:30Of course, things took a turn when Miss Jamaica hit the stage.
08:33Now, the competition has been plagued by scandals and a few mishaps, including this incident
08:39where Miss Jamaica lost her footing and took a tumble.
08:41She is fine.
08:45She's fine.
08:47Nothing says fine like being wheeled off in a gurney.
08:51But don't worry, in some good news, she went on to win the Miss ICU competition.
08:55So, well done to Miss Jamaica.
08:58My favourite part of the night, though, was when contestants showcased their national costumes
09:02and it was quite the spectacle.
09:03Sri Lanka.
09:06Tanzania.
09:07Bahamas.
09:09Australia.
09:12This gown is a wearable landscape inspired by Uluru.
09:20Pauline Hanson tried to climb that later on.
09:23Not a very nice moment.
09:25Norway's costume, though, was the stand-up.
09:28Norway.
09:31This salmon-inspired gown mirrors both the delegates' movements as a baton twirler
09:38and the essence of Norway's leading exporter.
09:44She was fine as well, by the way, until Miss Japan turned her into sashimi.
09:49She was attacked by 200 cats shortly after that footage.
09:54200 tones.
09:55200.
09:56Amazing.
09:56You know who else liked Miss Norway?
09:58I like the fish.
10:00Brilliant.
10:01OK.
10:01We've got a great show coming up.
10:03Tony Martin sticking around.
10:04I chat with Tisilla Fresley.
10:05And UK comedian Alan Davis is up next.
10:23You're watching Sam Pan Tonight.
10:27Tonight!
10:30Welcome back.
10:32Thank you, Tony.
10:33Tony, it's great to have you here.
10:35Thanks, Sam.
10:36And I like that you're airing grievances during the show.
10:38I'm going to be in the break.
10:38But you were saying to me that you thought I missed something in the opening monologue.
10:42Yeah.
10:42I saw this.
10:43I was watching Sunrise, as I always do, and the weatherman Sam Mack was in South Africa.
10:50You knew who I was before I even got here.
10:52Yes, I did.
10:53What did you say when I first came over to you?
10:55I said you're Sam Peng, the Australian comedian.
11:06What do you make of that?
11:08I suppose all Australians look the same to them over there.
11:12No, it's nice.
11:12You can always rely on sunrise if you want the weather in Johannesburg.
11:16So that's why I wake up with today.
11:19Hey, Tony, just some housekeeping, by the way.
11:22So a lot of people might not know this, but you're in an electronic dance group called Arseless Chaps.
11:27Yes.
11:28Tell everyone about Arseless Chaps.
11:30It's two older men playing very loud electronic dance music with very silly lyrics about serious topics and very serious
11:38lyrics about silly topics.
11:40That's basically the gist of it.
11:43Yeah.
11:45Have we lost everyone?
11:49Why would I?
11:50Well, actually, I've seen it.
11:52It's a great show.
11:52But you've been on tour.
11:54Yes.
11:54And I found this clip to show everyone.
11:56Oh.
12:02Yeah.
12:08That is a man who's had too many coffees.
12:12You're already in all white outfits.
12:13Somehow you made that even whiter with the dancing, by the way.
12:18I wanted to...
12:20The other thing is, too, I believe you really are.
12:22You're getting some things off your chest.
12:24I believe you have a bone to pick with me about something that happened on last week's show.
12:27Well, last week you had...
12:29If people didn't see it, you had a reunion of the cast of 80 BC.
12:33And that was your very first show 16 years ago.
12:36When was it on?
12:36What was the time slot?
12:38Where it started or where it finished?
12:40Where did it finish?
12:41Where...
12:41What was the time?
12:42It started at 8.30 on a Thursday and finished at 3.55 on a Monday.
12:48Yeah.
12:49To be fair, I think the 3.50 lead-in was a bit weak.
12:54I think it was just a photo of Les Murray.
12:56That's all it was.
12:58Well, it was good to have...
12:59Last week was interesting because it was like the show no-one watched the first time was back.
13:03Yeah.
13:04And, uh...
13:05But, hey, I was on that...
13:07You know, I was a big part of that show.
13:08Yeah, you did a lot of it.
13:09Yeah, I think we've got a clip here of me.
13:12This is where Mussolini was hung and they buried him in an unmarked grave.
13:17Problem was, about a year later, some of his supporters found him, dug him up, held onto him for a
13:22couple of months.
13:23Oh, feral.
13:24Weekend at Benito's it was called.
13:26I saw that.
13:29Topical.
13:33Tone, who would have thought the dead bodies hanging in the square would fail to work as light entertainment?
13:39That was a funner show than people remember.
13:42Yeah, sure.
13:46Let's move on.
13:47We've done enough damage.
13:48My first guest tonight is a UK comedy legend who's written books and is currently touring Australia with his new
13:54stand-up show.
13:55Here's some of his work.
13:57Your time starts now.
13:58It's Alan Davis!
14:00Whoa!
14:01Well, Alan!
14:02Alan!
14:02So, in a way, it's the best fit.
14:04Oh, no, he's going to blow leaves.
14:05What the hell happened?
14:06That's my favourite joke.
14:07Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
14:09Quite a floppy surprise.
14:11It's a corker.
14:13Please welcome the great Alan Davis.
14:21Thank you, sir.
14:27Thank you, sir.
14:27Thank you for having me.
14:28Have a seat.
14:33Have a seat.
14:36Are you comfy?
14:37Yeah.
14:37Yeah.
14:37I've got quite a low seat.
14:39Oh, my God.
14:40Don't...
14:40Has that been mentioned before?
14:42Russell Crowe mentioned it.
14:43Did it?
14:44And basically insisted on swapping chairs for the radio.
14:49Yeah.
14:49While we talked about the movie Nuremberg.
14:51So, that was fun.
14:54This was...
14:55This was...
14:55This is a big thrill for me because we've never actually met.
14:58No.
14:58Until now.
14:59And even though the closest we've come is when you were on,
15:02have you been paying attention?
15:03Yes.
15:03Yes.
15:04But I wasn't there.
15:05Yes.
15:06Well, I did insist on that.
15:07Yeah.
15:10Well, you sat in my chair.
15:12How did you find that experience?
15:13How did it compare to QI?
15:13I enjoyed it very much.
15:14Really?
15:15Yeah.
15:15Although, it's pretty quick.
15:17Yeah.
15:17I think there's about 960 questions in the episode.
15:21Yes.
15:22So...
15:22Someone thought of something funny for everyone.
15:25It's usually Ed, I think it was.
15:26How did you...
15:27How did you enjoy working with Tom Gleisner,
15:30or as I call him, the talking cadaver?
15:33LAUGHTER
15:33He's an outstanding showbiz legend.
15:36It was great to meet him.
15:37Yeah.
15:38Great guy.
15:38First time you met him?
15:39Yeah, yeah.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:44So, and you've been on that show?
15:46Yeah, it's a quiz...
15:47You're on that show way more than you deserve to be, by the way.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:50Well, as I understand it, it's a quiz show
15:52where the idea is to get as few answers correct as possible.
15:56That's how I play it, anyway.
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59That's why you're not coming back next year.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:01I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, Alan, because, uh, fair to say,
16:05you were hilarious, but, um...
16:07You did struggle with the basics.
16:09Prime Minister and his wife, Sophie Gregoire Trudeau,
16:12have released a statement announcing...
16:14Announcing what?
16:15That he...
16:16Alan, we need to buzz.
16:17No, no.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:21There's one...
16:22LAUGHTER
16:24There's one thing.
16:27APPLAUSE
16:30Just the one...
16:31One thing to remember.
16:32Yeah, but what a reflex.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35I asked...
16:36I could hardly believe how quick I was.
16:38I asked about Tom.
16:39What about Ed Cavill, who's on the show, you know, a lot?
16:42He got to do two episodes with you.
16:44Do you remember your time with Ed?
16:45Well, there's just a voice behind you.
16:47Yes.
16:47So every time you speak, he's behind you saying,
16:49there he is, there he is.
16:50Yeah.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:53Well, he had a great time and, um,
16:55you'd be happy to know he sent you a message.
16:57Oh.
16:58Hi, Alan.
16:59Ed Cavill here.
17:00We met when you were filling in for Sam
17:02on having been paying attention
17:03and just want to say thank you so much.
17:06I mean, the shows felt professional.
17:08They were on time.
17:09There was enough alcohol for everyone.
17:11Just the feeling of having a professional
17:14in that seat was incredible.
17:15So thank you again.
17:16Hope the tour goes great.
17:17And remember, most importantly,
17:19you haven't shopped around until you've tried Yui.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23APPLAUSE
17:25Wow.
17:28Alan, just to explain,
17:30Ed does, uh, advertisements for Yui.
17:33Um...
17:33Is he homeless?
17:34Because he's...
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36He is homeless, by the way.
17:37Quite homeless, though.
17:37He is homeless.
17:38Alan, there's so much more to cover with you,
17:40including your new book and your stand-up tour.
17:42More Alan Davis after this.
17:47APPLAUSE
18:05Welcome back.
18:06I'm here with you meeting Alan Davis,
18:08the star of the long-running quiz show QI,
18:11where correct answers are not necessarily the goal.
18:13Tony, you'd be perfect on that show, by the way.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:16Alan, you once described yourself as the class dunce on QI.
18:20Like, so you've done that show for a long time.
18:21How long did it take before you realised that you were the dunce?
18:24It took me about four years to realise that I was the class dunce.
18:27Four years?
18:27Yeah.
18:28It was a real case of if you don't know who the patsy is in the room...
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33It's you.
18:34Normally there's two captains in those kind of shows.
18:37Yes.
18:38And then right from the off, I thought,
18:39I'm the only regular, why am I the only regular?
18:41LAUGHTER
18:41Why does this thing keep going off?
18:43What's happening?
18:44Yeah, I thought I was great.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:49I think the same thing on Have You Been Paying Attention, by the way.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:52So, how long have you been doing that show?
18:5323 years.
18:55All right.
18:56APPLAUSE
19:00I love that.
19:01Applause for longevity.
19:02He's alive!
19:04Do you remember...
19:06What's, like, the one thing you remember from the show?
19:08I don't remember any of it.
19:09Any?
19:10Because in one ear and out the other.
19:12Oh, wow.
19:12Yeah, really.
19:13The only thing I remember is, when the Vikings went on looking for land,
19:17they would take a raven...
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21..and then they'd let it go, and then if it saw land,
19:23it would go to it and they'd follow it.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26And if it didn't, it would come back to the boat.
19:28And they had to take a lot of ravens.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33Because guess what?
19:34They'd fly off.
19:37LAUGHTER
19:40That's literally the only fact I remember.
19:42Well, that's a good one.
19:44Yeah, yeah.
19:45Ravens, that's stealing from your actone, by the way.
19:47Well, I don't have a mobile phone, so I take ravens everywhere.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:53Last question of QI, though,
19:54because you've been on every single episode except one.
19:57Oh, yeah.
19:58Why'd you miss that?
19:59I went to the Champions League final.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:02I did warn them around about the quarter-final.
20:05Arsenal might get through this year.
20:07Yeah.
20:08I'll do any other day in May, any day in June,
20:11just not May the 17th, anyway.
20:13Was he a big Arsenal fan?
20:14A big Arsenal fan.
20:15So they...
20:16What was the result?
20:17Oh, they lost.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:22Could've stayed at home and got paid.
20:26Well, it's good that you're not letting your love of Arsenal
20:28get in the way of your professionalism,
20:30as seen here in this behind-the-scenes clip of QI.
20:33Anyone know the score?
20:35Five.
20:35Is there football on?
20:36Yeah, Arsenal are playing at home.
20:37Five.
20:38It's a very inconsiderate scheduling, in my view.
20:40Yep.
20:41Five-one!
20:42Five-one!
20:43And I'm f***ing sitting here!
20:45LAUGHTER
20:54I'll defend you, Alan.
20:55I once missed an episode of having been paying attention
20:57because of a cockfight in Bali.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:03Let's go back, though, to 1994 and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
21:09Yes.
21:09You were favourite to take home the trophy.
21:12Yep.
21:12Odds on favourite.
21:13Odds on.
21:14Absolutely nailed on certainty.
21:16And what happened?
21:17The Leinor and Woodley one.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:23What was it...?
21:24I don't know what happened there.
21:26How did you...?
21:26Why were you even aware that you were, like...
21:28Odds on...?
21:29People kept telling me.
21:30OK.
21:30It was me or Harry Hill.
21:32It's gonna be you or Harry.
21:33It's gonna be you or Harry.
21:34And then, I don't know what happened.
21:36The Aussies came through.
21:38Did you...?
21:39On the rail.
21:40Oh, hard to see other shows.
21:41Did you see the Leinor and Woodley show?
21:42Yeah, it was brilliant.
21:43Was it?
21:44Yeah, it was brilliant.
21:44Well, you seem to have got over it.
21:46I'm over it.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49You seem to remember all the details, though.
21:51By the way, I'm glad you're over, because here's a heartwarming message from one half
21:55of Llan Owen Woodley, Colin Lane.
21:59Alan Davis.
22:02Alan Davis.
22:04Why does your name keep on popping into my head?
22:07Alan Davis.
22:17Not so much a message, just a childish taunt, really.
22:20Yeah.
22:21Yeah.
22:22Yeah.
22:22Wendy, are you still mates with Llan Owen Woodley?
22:24Well, until tonight.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:28All right, I've been reading a new book.
22:30Well, here it is here.
22:31I've got to hold it up to one of them.
22:33Oh, yeah, there it is.
22:33White male stand-up.
22:35That's me.
22:35It's a recent photo on the cover.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:39And I genuinely have read this book, and I love your honesty about a show that you were
22:44in called A Many Splintered Thing.
22:46Oh, yeah.
22:46Where it was the greatest description ever, and I quote, I was not funny at any point
22:51in any episode.
22:53LAUGHTER
22:55Alan, how...
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57It's so...
22:57It's so true.
22:59But you're...
23:00You're a funny man.
23:01How is that possible?
23:01I don't know how they did it.
23:03LAUGHTER
23:04They applied some sort of anti-comedy to the scripts, and turned everything round,
23:09faced the other way, and became terribly sad.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:13Was it supposed to be a comedy?
23:15It was a comedy, but basically the comedy was about a man who'd left his wife for a younger
23:20woman who he liked, which is exactly, I think, what the writer had done.
23:24And then he tried to just make it sound like the hero of that story.
23:28It's the man who's left his wife.
23:31LAUGHTER
23:32But every time you saw him, he just saw...
23:34Oh, there he is again.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37How many hips?
23:38Too many.
23:39Far too many.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:40I can't remember.
23:42About seven.
23:45It's all right.
23:46It's all right.
23:46It's all right.
23:48It's all right.
23:48It's all right.
23:49I...
23:50I want to ask you, too, about...
23:51Like, you're known for your flowing locks.
23:53Yeah, those...
23:54Those days were good.
23:55Yeah.
23:55Well, they're still there, but I just want to point out that it hasn't...
23:57It wasn't always like this.
23:58Here you are in 1991 on the Jonathan Ross Show.
24:01So, to give us some male perspective on Cosmo life and the whole damn thing is the stand-up
24:04act that is Mr Alan Davis.
24:07APPLAUSE
24:08Oh, wow.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:13So, how long were you in the army for?
24:15LAUGHTER
24:16That's a tight...
24:17That's a tight number, isn't it?
24:19That's...
24:19Yeah.
24:20That's 92, I think.
24:22When did you start growing it out?
24:23The following year, I met a girl who I was really keen on.
24:27Yeah.
24:27And she said, I think you'd look better if you grew your hair out.
24:30And so I didn't cut it for a year.
24:32And then one day, I mean, she was having a shower or something, and I saw a photo in
24:36a...
24:36And it was her ex-boyfriend, and he had loads of...
24:40LAUGHTER
24:42Hang on a minute, this is...
24:44That's what this has all been about?
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47This guy?
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50And then I heard her coming, I had to quickly put it away.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:57By the way, speaking of, you know, romance...
25:00Uh-huh.
25:01..there is a story in the book about, you know, the subtle art of seduction,
25:06involving you and some, you know, famous A-listers...
25:09Uh-huh.
25:10..including one, the star of Friends, Jennifer Aniston.
25:14Jennifer Aniston, yeah.
25:16Ooh!
25:16Yeah.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:18Yeah, I know, right?
25:19Now you're back, that's good.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:21Back in the room!
25:23I did a spot on the Prince's Trust, which is a big charity gala.
25:28All kinds of stars come on.
25:30I followed Phil Collins, I think.
25:32I remember following him.
25:34And he was singing a song called Where's My Hat?
25:35And he had his hat on his head.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:38Remember that, Tony?
25:40And I did it.
25:40I talked about it on your radio show, and you made it into a jingle for ages.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:45Where's My Hat song?
25:47He's wearing his hat!
25:48And then...
25:48And then Jennifer Aniston came on, and I saw her in the party afterwards,
25:52and I'd just done some stand-up about dogs, and she'd come over and she said,
25:56I like dogs.
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59You really?
26:00I mean, that's someone just opening the door, isn't it?
26:04LAUGHTER
26:04And I just went, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
26:10-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
26:11-ha-ha.
26:26God, she was gorgeous.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29I'm sure she still has regrets, you know what I mean?
26:32LAUGHTER
26:32Time will tell.
26:33Yeah, I think Brad Pitt's her main regret.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:37I had a similar experience at the Logies this year with Kerri-Ann Kennelly.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41Now, Alan, this is great, because you two know each other,
26:45and I can't do this show alone, so it's time now for the...
26:52That's right. Over to you, Tony.
26:53Well, Alan, I'm a big fan of a show you did called Whites,
26:57which was a sitcom shown here on the ABC.
27:00Yeah, yeah.
27:00And in one episode, you had an Australian in it called Mark Little.
27:05Do we know Mark Little? He was Joe Mangle on Neighbours for years.
27:08Neighbours, yes.
27:08And in this episode, he played a dodgy Australian businessman.
27:12And I'm always wondering...
27:15My question is, did you let him name his own character?
27:19Because I'm not sure that people in England would know
27:22what he was talking about when he announced himself.
27:24Can we show a clip of him saying who he is?
27:26No, sorry, Bibb. Bibb Spears.
27:28Daryl Summers.
27:29How you going?
27:30LAUGHTER
27:35That was...
27:36That was big laughs here.
27:38All through the episode, people are going,
27:39what's Daryl Summers doing?
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42I'm assuming it was mystifying in England.
27:44No idea.
27:45Right.
27:46Wow.
27:46Great.
27:47It's not really a question.
27:48It's just showing a clip, but anyway.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:51I've got one last thing to...
27:53I don't know how that got here.
27:54Sorry about that.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:55I wanted to ask you one thing.
27:57I'm, uh...
27:58I'm about to go into...
27:59I'm about to do some acting.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:02Have you got any tips?
28:04Well, I always say, if in doubt, do nothing.
28:07I can...
28:08I can...
28:08Just...
28:09Stay completely still.
28:11LAUGHTER
28:12And then they'll just cut around you.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:16As soon as you start doing things, it goes really wrong.
28:21LAUGHTER
28:21It's a bit like being a...
28:21How this?
28:22Yeah, yeah.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24So just do nothing.
28:25They can cut to that.
28:26See what you did there?
28:26They could just keep going back to that.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:29I'm feeling good.
28:30I'm playing a character called Daryl Somers, Tony.
28:32You'd be right.
28:33LAUGHTER
28:34Alan Davis is touring Australia right now
28:36with his stand-up show, Think Ahead.
28:38Yeah.
28:39And, uh...
28:40You've got to think ahead.
28:41What can we expect?
28:42Any a lot of props?
28:43A couple of songs?
28:44Well...
28:44No.
28:45No props, no songs.
28:47No.
28:47The byline for the show is I spend more time
28:49in the pharmacy than the gym.
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53LAUGHTER
28:56Yeah, it covers all topics that are relevant to our age.
29:00All right.
29:00I've got to finish.
29:01Dates all around Australia.
29:03Look out for Alan when he's in your town.
29:05I want to say one question.
29:06Is it true that you love sun-dried tomatoes?
29:09I really love them, but I think of them as a delicacy.
29:13As in, do you eat them every day?
29:15I'll open a jar and I'll have one or two.
29:18I was on a podcast with Catherine Ryan,
29:21a very funny Canadian comedian, and she said to me,
29:23you know, Alan, they're your tomatoes.
29:25You can have the whole jar.
29:26LAUGHTER
29:27So it was a real revelation to me.
29:29LAUGHTER
29:30Well, I want you to...
29:31I want you to remember Catherine Ryan's words
29:33as I give you this.
29:35No-one leaves empty-handed, Alan.
29:37These are some Sampang Tonight sun-dried tomatoes.
29:40APPLAUSE
29:41These are for you to do whatever you please.
29:44APPLAUSE
29:46Oh, they do look good.
29:48They do look good?
29:49They look really good.
29:50There you go.
29:50LAUGHTER
29:53All right.
29:54I want to sincerely say this.
29:55It's been an honour to finally meet you, Alan.
29:57I really appreciate it.
29:59Please thank Alan Davis.
30:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:01And we'll have Dr. Cicilla Presley up next.
30:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:22APPLAUSE
30:22APPLAUSE
30:25Welcome back.
30:26Now, here's something I still can't get used to.
30:28Having my own show means that sometimes I get to speak
30:31to living legends like this.
30:33Priscilla Presley.
30:34What do we have here?
30:36I'm packing JR.
30:37What's a nice girl like me doing waiting on tables?
30:39I have a lot to say.
30:40Being married to Elvis Presley.
30:42I love him to this day.
30:43I have a lot of memories.
30:44How hot?
30:45Wet.
30:45Do you like it?
30:48LAUGHTER
30:48Now, I caught up with Priscilla Presley during the week
30:51who has a new book out called Softly As I Leave You.
30:54I actually didn't get sent the book.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:57But very, very exciting.
30:59I did receive a PDF of the book.
31:01LAUGHTER
31:03Hey, Sam.
31:04Yes, Sam?
31:04All of my books are out on PDF.
31:07LAUGHTER
31:10I think that makes them easier to pulp, then.
31:13LAUGHTER
31:14But I did get the PDF and I read it cover to cover.
31:16Now, this PDF does get a mention in my chat.
31:20Enjoy.
31:22Priscilla Presley.
31:22It's an absolute honour.
31:24I loved the book.
31:25I read it.
31:27Actually, not the book.
31:28The PDF that you had the publisher sent.
31:30So that was magnificent.
31:32Did you hand write or did you type?
31:35I wrote.
31:36You wrote?
31:36Yes.
31:36Handwritten?
31:37Yes.
31:37Fountain pen?
31:38No.
31:39Your special pen?
31:39No, because I need to erase some things, you know.
31:41Can't do that with a phone.
31:43That's true.
31:43That's true.
31:44That's a good point.
31:45The book obviously covers your time with Elvis.
31:47He read philosophy to you at 3am in the morning.
31:50Yes.
31:50And also carried a loaded gun.
31:52Yes.
31:53He sounds like an exciting...
31:54Diverse, isn't he?
31:55Yes.
31:55Sounds like there's a lot to unpack there.
31:58Yeah.
31:58Which one did you prefer?
31:59Both.
32:01What?
32:02He would read.
32:03He was a reader.
32:04Yeah.
32:05And he would read sometimes until 3 in the morning.
32:07And he expected me to be there awake too, because he could read to me.
32:11What did you do when you started to get tired?
32:13I started yawning.
32:14Of course, that's what happened.
32:16You know, we would talk and watch TV.
32:18There were some shows there that we would watch continuously.
32:21Same thing with movies.
32:22If he liked a movie, we didn't see it once.
32:25We didn't see it twice.
32:26We didn't see it three times.
32:27We saw it at least 12 times.
32:30Did you ever watch his movies together?
32:32No.
32:33He didn't want to see it.
32:34He didn't want to see himself.
32:35Do you think he would have liked The Naked Gun?
32:37I do.
32:38I do think he would.
32:40Yes.
32:40Because he loved comedy.
32:41Yeah.
32:42And I think he would really like it.
32:44I've seen it about 12 times too.
32:46It just stands up.
32:47It's so funny still.
32:48Yeah, it is.
32:49And he was fun to work with.
32:50Leslie was great.
32:51I miss him very, very much.
32:53I felt we lost him way too soon.
32:56I never met him, but I miss him too.
32:58Yeah.
32:59Also, is it true that when you auditioned or first met him,
33:03that he sat on a whoopee cushion?
33:05Yes.
33:06Did you know?
33:07I never even heard of a whoopee cushion.
33:09Well, that's one of them there.
33:10Do you remember that?
33:11Don't worry.
33:11I'm not going to.
33:12I carry one just in case.
33:14You know, just breaks the ice.
33:15But he sat on that and...
33:17Oh, no.
33:17I sat on it.
33:18Not him.
33:19Right.
33:19Sorry.
33:20Yeah.
33:20He told me to sit in the chair and I sat down.
33:22The darn thing went off.
33:23And I'm like...
33:25I'm like appalled.
33:27But everybody else was laughing knowing this is what he did.
33:30Yeah.
33:31And I just...
33:32You know what I did?
33:32It broke the ice.
33:33Yes.
33:34It broke the ice.
33:35And we became really good friends after that.
33:38The condom thing.
33:40Uh-huh.
33:41The condom isn't that?
33:43I do very much.
33:44Yeah.
33:45We couldn't stop laughing.
33:46It was very...
33:48I think we did ten times.
33:50And...
33:50Oh, yeah.
33:51The director's going, this is it.
33:53And I kept saying that the whole time anyway.
33:56But Leslie, I had no idea that he was funny because he played serious parts.
34:00Yeah.
34:00But he was so much fun and we had so much laughter that it wasn't even work.
34:05Did you see Baz Luhrmann's movie about Elvis?
34:09Yes, I did see it.
34:10I liked it a lot.
34:11Lisa and I went together.
34:12Oh, wow.
34:13And, you know, we were, you know, very intense.
34:15We didn't, you know, where he was going with the movie.
34:17Yeah.
34:17But she liked it very much.
34:19Were you happy with the characters who played you and Lisa?
34:22Were you each happy?
34:23Yeah, I thought they did a good job.
34:24I mean, they were very nervous, obviously.
34:27We're watching...
34:28We're gonna...
34:28They know we're gonna watch the movie.
34:30Yeah.
34:30But they did a great job.
34:32They really did.
34:33They did their homework.
34:34They practiced every day.
34:36You know, they were quite nervous.
34:37I mean, when you're doing a film on someone and they're there who you're doing it about,
34:42watching...
34:42Yeah.
34:43You know, it's nerve-wracking.
34:44And Austin Butler, an Australian played Elvis.
34:47He was great.
34:47He was great.
34:48Austin was great.
34:49I auditioned for that role.
34:51You did?
34:51Yep.
34:52Oh, God, I would've thought you would've...
34:52Didn't get a call back.
34:53Oh, dear.
34:54I wonder why.
34:56I've got a good reason.
34:57I didn't know you were a comedian, by the way.
34:59Was that you didn't?
35:00I didn't know you were a comedian.
35:02A lot of people, after speaking with me for a little while, don't know either.
35:05They don't...
35:06It...
35:06It probably...
35:07If I walk away before you can...
35:12Yes.
35:13All right.
35:14This is a big one.
35:14This is in the book.
35:15You said that you wrote that Elvis had a drug-addicted chimpanzee named Scatter.
35:20Uh-huh.
35:21This is one thing I was interested in, so I did a bit more research.
35:23He loved whiskey and upskirting.
35:26Uh-huh.
35:26It was a different time back then.
35:27Uh-huh.
35:28For my kids.
35:28Yeah.
35:30What was he like?
35:31Scatter.
35:31Scatter was great, but he was so mischievous.
35:34Yeah.
35:34And Elvis loved when he was mischievous.
35:36I love it.
35:37I mean, literally, the cooks would...
35:39At that time, the maids wore dresses, and Scatter would come in, and while they're cooking,
35:44he picks up the dresses.
35:45And they didn't know what to do.
35:47They're going, Scatter, get away from here.
35:49Get away from here, Scatter.
35:50And he'd go...
35:51And he'd start...
35:52He loved it.
35:53So he...
35:53It was almost like he knew he was being funny.
35:56Yeah.
35:57And he was...
35:57He was a trip.
35:58He really was.
35:59Scatter sounds very similar to...
36:01So, Sandbang Tonight, my show, has a...
36:03Has a mascot.
36:04Uh-huh.
36:04And it's called Contagious George.
36:06Huh.
36:06And he is a COVID and...
36:08Is this for real?
36:09Yeah, this is the...
36:10Is that a monkey?
36:11Yeah, it's a COVID and STD riddled monkey.
36:13I love it.
36:14Yeah.
36:15And it just...
36:16Can I just see it?
36:17Yeah, absolutely.
36:18That's Contagious George.
36:19Okay.
36:19He's a big hit on the show.
36:21I just want to show everybody this.
36:27This is what you hang out with.
36:28Yeah, he's a lot of fun.
36:30I reckon him and...
36:30Do you think him and Scatter would have got along well?
36:32No, I think Scatter would run.
36:36Which I'm going to do now, but before I go, I was just wondering...
36:38Do you mind signing my PDF?
36:40Yes, I do.
36:40Thank you very much.
36:41I really appreciate it.
36:42I'll get the book during the week.
36:45Thank you so much.
36:46I really appreciate it.
36:47And thank you so much.
36:48That is a lot of fun.
36:50That's right.
36:55Priscilla Presley.
36:56I'm glad you all enjoyed the subtle way I snuck in a Naked Gun reference.
37:01I really appreciate that.
37:02I didn't get the book during the week, but I will treasure this signed PDF from Priscilla
37:05Presley forever.
37:07Check out her tour.
37:08An audience with the Priscilla Presley Life After Elvis.
37:11More Sampang tonight.
37:12In a moment.
37:36Welcome back.
37:37Sam Pang tonight.
37:39We've had Alan Davis.
37:40We've had Priscilla Presley.
37:42Tony Martin, you're still here.
37:43Tony Martin, you're still here.
37:44Yes.
37:46It's so wonderful that you're here.
37:47Now listen, we talked about Arseless Chaps earlier on, but anything else to promote?
37:53My podcast, Sizzletown, the 100th episode comes out next week.
37:57Well done.
38:01Just for those who haven't listened to it, because it's a very, very popular podcast,
38:06but those who haven't heard it, how would you describe it?
38:08It's a fake talkback show where I play the host and all of the callers.
38:13So for eight years, I've been sitting in a wardrobe in my house talking to myself.
38:20And for most of that time, a child who lives in the house next door to me has been learning
38:26to play the tuba.
38:28So I'll literally be 20 seconds into a bit and it'll just be...
38:34It sounds like a cartoon drunk is walking up the street.
38:38When will he learn?
38:40Yeah.
38:41It's great to have you on the show.
38:43Usually in this segment, we have the great Oliver Clark at the News Lounge.
38:47I love Oliver Clark's News Lounge and I have to say, a thing he did on his first appearance,
38:53I cannot...
38:54In our house, if Erin Patterson comes on TV, we just automatically start singing Mushroom
39:01Lady, talking about Mushroom Lady.
39:06And I think she's having like a retrial next year and if Oliver isn't there singing that
39:11song as she walks into the courtroom, there is something seriously wrong with justice in
39:17this country.
39:18Well said.
39:19Hey, you often describe yourself as a comedy icon and speaking of comedy icons, Aunty Donna
39:26have been making hilarious sketch comedy for over a decade.
39:29There they are, the boys, Mark, Broden and Zach.
39:32Now, they're about to head out on tour.
39:34One problem, Zach is nowhere to be found.
39:37So this week, Mark and Broden held auditions to replace him.
39:41Here's how they went.
39:49How'd you go?
39:51Tough room.
39:52Good luck.
39:58Who's next?
40:00So I think Shannon Noll.
40:01A voice?
40:02Hello.
40:03When you're ready.
40:04Okay.
40:05Is there a desk?
40:06No, I don't think so.
40:07Well, anyway, I'm up for anything.
40:09What do you want?
40:10How much work have you done with pool noodles?
40:12I'm ready.
40:14Okay.
40:15Now we're cooking.
40:17This I like.
40:19That's awesome.
40:20Damn it.
40:23That was really good.
40:24Really good.
40:25I loved it.
40:26Alright, I'm starting to flounder.
40:28I've got one more.
40:28Stay there.
40:29Yeah.
40:29So we said he's starting to flounder.
40:31So maybe when he comes back in I'll be Sebastian and you'll be Kim Dine.
40:35What do you reckon?
40:39Oh yeah, that's just awful.
40:41Well thanks Sam, we'll let you know.
40:42We'll be in contact.
40:49Has someone done the banana?
40:51Yes, but not this well.
40:53I can get on board with this.
40:54Sir, I've never been horning her, thank you.
40:56I want to peel you up and eat you right now.
40:58Let's do it.
40:59I want to see your skin.
41:00I can do brown as well.
41:02No, no, no.
41:02It's not necessary.
41:04I wouldn't think so.
41:04Let's not go brown.
41:06Okay.
41:06I don't mind this banana.
41:08You've got the geek.
41:09This is fantastic.
41:10That's great.
41:11Thanks Andrew.
41:11We'll be in touch Andrew Denton.
41:13That's great.
41:15Wow.
41:16So.
41:17I'm sure it's yours.
41:20Quite the betrayal for you there Tyne.
41:22I thought you were happy on this show.
41:23Aunty Donna are touring this December.
41:25Check them out.
41:26It's an amazing show, so don't miss it.
41:28Now, moving on, we've been flooded with questions about our mascot, Contagious George.
41:34Has he got a podcast?
41:36Is he going to schoolies?
41:37Is he dating Priscilla Presley?
41:40Yes to all of the above, by the way.
41:42This week though, we've got huge news, Tone.
41:44Really?
41:45Contagious George is branching out and he's released a new fragrance.
41:48No.
41:49That's right.
41:50Now, of course, we're all familiar with the fragrance ad such as this.
42:02Sauvage Lixier.
42:04Johnny Depp there, Tone.
42:05Yeah.
42:05You know who loves that fragrance?
42:07Who?
42:07Amber Heard.
42:09Just tipping it down the sink.
42:13Well, based on that, by the way, it's time now for the world premiere of Contagious George's new fragrance.
42:19rats
42:27Okay.
42:37Oh, my God.
42:51Oh, my God.
42:57Contagion by George.
42:59You can catch anything.
43:07Here he is.
43:08Look at that.
43:11By the way, here we go, just for someone in the crowd there.
43:15Look at that.
43:16STDs for all of you now.
43:17That's great.
43:17By the way, Contagion by George is available at Chemist Warehouse.
43:22You find it next to the Chlamydia Antibiotics.
43:25Back in a moment with the Wheel of Segments.
43:46Welcome back.
43:47But just before we finish, it's time for the...
43:52Wheel of Segments.
43:55Let's do that again.
43:56It's time for the...
43:57Wheel of Segments.
44:00All righty.
44:01Here we go.
44:02Let's see what we've got.
44:03We all know how it works, don't we?
44:05Wheel of Segments, of course, brought to you this week by Contagion by George.
44:09And who gives a shit magazine?
44:12All right.
44:12We know how it works, Tone.
44:13I'm going to give it a spin wherever it lands.
44:15That's where we go, okay?
44:17What have we got on there?
44:18So many to choose from, Tone.
44:20I think there's one about me, is there there?
44:22Which one is it?
44:23Oh, Tony Martin.
44:23Tony Martin debates a toddler.
44:25Oh.
44:27And it's going to be immigration, so it's going to be an excellent...
44:32Ozempic or heroin?
44:33Oh, wow.
44:34Audience cage fight.
44:36Name that disorder.
44:37There's so...
44:38There's lots going on here.
44:38There's so many we don't want it to stop on.
44:40Rickshaw karaoke, it has landed on that before.
44:43And Tim Rogers and I.
44:44That was fantastic.
44:45And where are we up to?
44:46Oh, Tone, you're in chance.
44:47Hang on.
44:47What's this going on?
44:48WWF.
44:49I don't even know what that is.
44:50Audience cage fight.
44:51Real Housewives of Pitcairn Island.
44:53Okay.
44:53Let's just hope it lands shortly because we're running out of time.
44:58Is that...
44:59W-W-F it's landed on?
45:02What?
45:03What's WWF?
45:04Let's find out what that is.
45:11The Wrestling Weather Federation.
45:13Wow.
45:15Come with me.
45:16There's a current trend of wrestlers pivoting to acting and broadcasting,
45:20so here to present the forecast from the Wrestling Weather Federation,
45:24we have...
45:25The Weatherman!
45:28Thank you for being here, Weatherman.
45:35I'm loving your energy.
45:36Tell me what's happening around the country.
45:38It's Mr Weatherman to you, pencil neck!
45:42In Sydney, expect cloudy skies and temperatures will warm into the low to mid-twenties with
45:49a gentle breeze coming through the south-west in the afternoon.
45:54Gentle breeze.
45:55Gentle breeze.
45:56Gentle breeze in Brisbane.
45:58Amazing.
45:58What about, uh, that wasn't in Brisbane, that was in, um...
46:03No, it's Sydney!
46:04Sydney!
46:04Sorry, Weatherman.
46:05I'm so sorry.
46:05You've joined Dexter!
46:06Sorry.
46:06Sorry.
46:07I'm really into this.
46:08All right, Mr Weatherman, what about Brisbane?
46:10It's going to rain!
46:13Well, listen to you, you little twerp.
46:15All right.
46:16There's a storm coming, brother.
46:18Heavy, gusty winds and downpours all night long.
46:21So get an umbrella, unless you want to get wet!
46:28Mr Weatherman!
46:29Oh, you're going to get soaked!
46:31Oh, you're going to get wet!
46:32All right.
46:33All right.
46:34It's...
46:34It's...
46:34It's...
46:35It's...
46:35All right.
46:37Mr Weatherman, I'm loving your energy.
46:39This is hiked him.
46:40But just, uh, just before we get to Perth,
46:42could you just do a straight one for the people in Perth?
46:44Tomorrow looks picture perfect.
46:4626 degrees and plenty of bright, uninterrupted sunshine
46:49from morning through late afternoon.
46:52Wow.
46:52I love that.
46:53That's great.
46:53But on the weekend,
46:5520% chance of rain
46:58and 100% chance of pain!
47:02What the hell?
47:02Pain!
47:03What the hell's going on?
47:04Pain!
47:06All right.
47:07Sorry, Mr Weatherman.
47:08We're just having a...
47:09We need to IT...
47:10Whoa!
47:11Oh, my God!
47:1610!
47:17Yes!
47:181!
47:192!
47:201!
47:201!
47:212!
47:212!
47:211!
47:231!
47:242!
47:242!
47:312!
47:321!
47:342!
47:372!
47:392!
47:422!
47:433!
47:452!
48:013!
48:033!
48:044!
48:072!
48:071!
48:112!
48:11Thank you for having me, Dave.
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