- 14 minutes ago
Stephen Colbert 2026 04 02 Paul Simon JOAN
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01President Trump last night addressed the nation for the first time since starting a war with Iran,
00:06but he actually gave very few new details and repeated his vague timeline for when this war
00:11might end. Still no exit plan and a real timeline for the war's end. Not necessarily a firm
00:16commitment to an end date. Thanks to the progress we've made, I can say tonight that we are on
00:22track to complete all of America's military objectives shortly, very shortly. Please stand
00:28by as this broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties. Everything will be resolved very
00:33shortly, hopefully within a matter of minutes, but maybe 32 days or even 19 years. We understand
00:42this inconvenience may cause you to feel epic fury, but rest assured it will be repaired tonight or in
00:48the time it would take to go to the moon, go around it and come back home. A solution certainly
00:54will
00:55arrive by your grandchildren's future. Who knows? Maybe it's fixed right now. It's not. So please
01:01instead enjoy this photo of Pedro Pascal's butt. Unbelievable. That movie is lethal. Murder from
01:08behind. It's so good that I'm nearing completion. Okay, look, we have no clue when this will end.
01:13And when we act like we do, we are completely full of number two.
01:17It's the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, bye-bye bonding. Plus, Stephen welcomes Paul
01:30Simon and Bobby Musick. Featuring Louis Cato and the great big joy machine. And now, live on tape from the
01:44Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City,
01:46it's Stephen Colbert.
01:53It's Stephen Colbert.
01:53It's Stephen Colbert.
01:54It's Stephen Colbert.
01:55It's Stephen Colbert.
02:10Very nice. Thank you. Down here, up there, hideaway. Welcome, one and all, to The Late Show.
02:15I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.
02:17Folks, you hear the excitement in this room? You know why it's electric, because we're all still riding high from
02:24last night.
02:25When, on behalf of all mankind, America's Artemis II lunar mission successfully launched into outer space!
02:36Whoo! Whoo!
02:38Booyah! Suck it, Sky! Sorry. Wrong energy. I've got moon madness.
02:45I mean, the moment of the launch was just amazing. Let's take a look.
02:5010, 9, 8, 7. RS-25 engines. 8, 4, 3, 2, 1. Booster ignition. And lift off! The crew of
03:04Artemis II now bound for the moon.
03:06The only way that countdown could have been better is if it was presented by a drunk Anderson and Andy.
03:14In space...
03:20In space, no one can hear you, Shotsky.
03:24Congratulations to everyone at NASA on a successful launch, including the four astronauts,
03:29Reed Wiseman, Victor Glover, Christina Koch, and Jeremy Hansen.
03:33I'm excited. This is like, I feel like I was a kid watching the Apollo missions.
03:38A massive crowd turned out, just like in the old days, to witness the first manned moon mission since 1972
03:45at Cape Canaveral.
03:47One space fan, I believe, captured the true spirit of the moment.
03:51Why do you want to be here? Why do you love space? Why do you love being a part of
03:56history?
03:56We're going back to the moon, that's right.
03:59Yeah! Yeah!
04:04Come on!
04:09You tell him, camera head, kid.
04:11That says it all. Reminds me of that famous children's book.
04:14Good night, mother .
04:27Passengers on a nearby commercial flight were able to capture this view of the launch from the airplane.
04:33That's cool, though I got a feel for the pilot.
04:35Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you look out your port side windows, you'll see the historic Artemis launch,
04:41which, for the record, I could totally do.
04:45Pilots are basically sideways astronauts.
04:47Soon, we'll be landing in Cleveland, which many have called the moon of Ohio.
04:54The trip did have...
04:56Really?
04:57A lot of Cleveland people here?
04:59A lot of Cleveland.
05:00A lot of Cleveland.
05:01The trip did have a couple of hiccups.
05:03There were a couple of hiccups.
05:04Just a few hours in, there was already a software problem.
05:07Here's Captain Wiseman.
05:08I also see that I have two Microsoft Outlooks, and neither one of those are working.
05:13If you want to remote in and check Optimus on those two Outlooks, that would be awesome.
05:17This...
05:18This just goes to show that no matter what job you have, no matter how far you journey from Mother
05:24Earth,
05:25Outlook sucks.
05:34And at 7.49 PM tonight, the Artemis II made its last fuel burn on the way to the moon,
05:41igniting its engines for five minutes and 51 seconds exactly
05:45to escape Earth's gravitational pull on a path toward the moon.
05:50Okay, that's unbelievable.
05:51You see, from here on out, their course is actually determined by inertia, momentum, and gravity.
05:55And we know this, thanks to the calculations of Sir Isaac Newton, who, in 1665, famously said,
06:03Whee!
06:06There was one.
06:07Yeah.
06:08That's how...
06:11Yeah.
06:12That's the apple.
06:13That was the apple.
06:14There was one other problem after the launch.
06:17Reportedly, when Artemis II started its Earth orbit, there was a bit of toilet trouble on board.
06:23Now, I don't want to go into details.
06:26Let's just say, Artemis I was okay.
06:31But Artemis II was not recommended.
06:35Now, it's...
06:35It's understandable that there might be difficulties.
06:38After all, this is the first time a real toilet has been installed on a mission into deep space.
06:43On the old Apollo missions, crews used waste collection bags.
06:48And this, I gotta say, if pooping in a bag is what it takes to be an astronaut,
06:53I know a gentleman on the D train who's got the right stuff.
06:59Yes.
07:00He's got some stuff.
07:01I don't know if it's the right stuff, but he's definitely got some stuff.
07:04Let's take a look at the problematic waste disposal unit.
07:07Evidently, NASA has finally achieved Coachella port-a-potty technology.
07:13Anyway, they fixed it.
07:15With the help of our new sponsor.
07:17Do you have a clogged toilet and have left the planet?
07:21Then call us, Kowalski and Sun Space Plumbers.
07:25We'll come to you, wherever you are in the galaxy.
07:29We specialize in all types of space plumbing issues.
07:32Misaligned nebula flapper.
07:34Vulcan valve melt.
07:35The lithium crystal calcification.
07:37Wookiee Heron drain.
07:38Accidental toilet portation.
07:40Pipe troubles.
07:41And Battlestar Galacticlog.
07:43We can even handle this.
07:47Show poop long and prosper.
07:50Call Kowalski and Sun Space Plumbers today.
07:54We put Uranus first.
07:59New sponsor?
08:01$40 million?
08:03New sponsor?
08:04I think it's...
08:06Speaking of human waste, just a few hours ago,
08:09we learned that President Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi.
08:18That feels pretty good.
08:21Yeah.
08:23There you go.
08:24There it is.
08:28Now, in...
08:30Listen.
08:30In tribute to Pam Bondi, I offer this heartfelt farewell.
08:46Evidently, the president had some issues with the way Bondi did her job, but sources say that he was particularly
08:52frustrated over her handling of the Epstein files.
08:55Saying that the villain of the Epstein files is Pam Bondi is like saying the lead in Die Hard is
09:02the dad from Family Matters.
09:07Trump made the announcement on social media.
09:10Pam Bondi is a great American patriot and a loyal friend who faithfully served as my Attorney General over the
09:16past year.
09:17We love Pam, and she will be transitioning to a much-needed and important new job in the private sector
09:24to be announced at a date in the near future.
09:28No, it's great.
09:29It's a much-needed job at a very important farm upstate.
09:35There will be lots of room for her to run around.
09:37Unfortunately, we can't go visit her.
09:40Now, let's go to the strip mall and get you a new Attorney General, buddy.
09:43Come on.
09:45Okay, I've put it off.
09:50She'll be fine.
09:52She's gonna be fine.
09:54Okay, I've put it off long enough.
09:56Last night, Trump gave a primetime address about the Iran War, and it was all the stuff you've heard before,
10:02but now delivered by a narcotized turtle.
10:05The speech was billed as a major update on the month-long war, but the only real information he offered
10:11was that other wars lasted longer.
10:14It's very important that we keep this conflict in perspective.
10:19American involvement in World War I lasted one year, seven months, and five days.
10:27World War II lasted for three years, eight months, and 25 days.
10:32The Korean War lasted for three years, one month, and two days.
10:37The Vietnam War lasted for 19 years, five months, and 29 days.
10:43Iraq went on for eight years, eight months, and 28 days.
10:48Frazier went on for 11 years, one month, and 36 minutes.
10:54Suddenly, Susan was only four years, two days, and three box tops.
11:00Sex?
11:01Sex in the city was six years, unless you count.
11:04And just like that, which personally I don't, because my Miranda would never leave Steve.
11:11Now...
11:22Trump told us what we can expect next, and it was a little all over the map.
11:26We're going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks.
11:31We're going to bring them back to the Stone Ages, where they belong.
11:35In the meantime, discussions are ongoing.
11:38What? Huh?
11:39What?
11:43Holy whiplash, Batman.
11:45Look, I got a message for Dr. Bone Smasher.
11:48When I meet you in the ring tomorrow night, brother, I'm going to crush your spine into a fine powder,
11:53then cut it into lines and snort it up.
11:56Also, Carol and I are doing a small brunch thing tomorrow at our place.
12:00We love you to come and bring the fam!
12:09We got a great show for you tonight.
12:12My guests are Paul Simon and Rami Yusuf, but when we come back, meanwhile, join us, won't you?
12:27Whoo!
12:40Welcome back to the Blues panel with Great Big Joy Machine.
12:43Oh, my goodness.
12:47Now, folks, as you may or may not know, we have a lot of great writers here on the show,
12:51and one of those great writers is a man named Michael Cruz Kane, okay?
12:55Michael Cruz Kane has got a stand-up comedy special about grief called
12:58Sorry for Your Loss.
13:00It's available to stream right now.
13:03And when this show ran off-Broadway, it was nominated for a bunch of awards.
13:06When it was on Audible, it was named Best of Audible.
13:08And now that it's streaming, maybe it will win most perfect show in the world.
13:12We're going off the air, so there's an opening.
13:16Look for it on a wonderful app called Dropout or at dropout.tv.
13:20There you go.
13:21Folks...
13:25Folks, if you watch this show, you know I spend most of my time right over there in the news.
13:29True bang.
13:30Folding the most topical ground story pork, mung bean sprouts, chopché noodles, and pibigo firm tofu
13:36into delicate sulasong wonton wrappers, and then gently pan frying to make the
13:41Korean kunmandu dumplings that are my nightly monologue.
13:44But sometimes, after losing a drinking contest to a Russian circus bear, I wake up in a canal
13:49where I squeeze the filling from a discarded taco into a half-eaten Pillsbury turnover
13:52and chow down on the swamp ravioli of news that is my segment.
13:59Meanwhile...
14:02You know what?
14:03It's tasty and nutritious.
14:05People want to think about the nutrition of Meanwhile.
14:10Meanwhile...
14:11Near Hawaii, a dolphin jumped a massive 15 feet above the ocean and drew comparisons to Michael Jordan.
14:19Wow.
14:20Michael Jordan.
14:21Michael, how do you feel about being compared to that dolphin?
14:31Didn't see that coming.
14:32Didn't see that coming.
14:34Meanwhile, great news for users of Letterboxd, the app for logging movies that you've watched,
14:41because a fan has created a viral Letterboxd keychain that LexCinephiles show off their favorite
14:47movies on the go, customizable favorites slots, styled after the app's layout.
14:53This is a great way to meet a like-minded movie fan, or a fair warning that someone near you
14:59is mentally unstable enough to enjoy Tron Aries.
15:05Meanwhile, Costco...
15:08Costco has introduced a 10-pound, $140 chocolate Easter bunny, but you'll need a hammer to eat it.
15:15The mega-bunny is named Pete, because when my children bludgeon something to death with a hammer,
15:21I first want it to seem as human as possible.
15:27The instructions on the packaging suggest customers wrap Pete in a towel
15:32and give one bold whack with a hammer, mallet, or rolling pin, adding,
15:37If he pleads, don't be moved.
15:39You are a god, and he is your prey.
15:42Be swift, and feel the weakness within you melting away.
15:45It will be easier next time.
15:49Good.
15:54In case you're wondering, 10-pound Pete here consists of 151 servings,
16:00if you're a coward.
16:04In other Mastiff Easter treat news, British chocolate maker Cadbury has unveiled a giant
16:09121-pound egg.
16:11Okay, sounds good so far, but what do I wrap it in before I bludgeon it to death?
16:18Next up, according to a finding in the Journal of Experimental Biology,
16:23woodpeckers grunt like tennis players when they peck.
16:27And I'm being told that we have new footage demonstrating the phenomenon.
16:39We'll be right back with Paul Simon.
16:43Hello, Doc is my own man.
16:47Hey!
16:50I'm afraid that I might teach you.
16:54I think my heart that I might reach you.
16:59Hey!
17:01Fantastic.
17:0210 out of 10, Pops.
17:05Welcome back, everybody.
17:07Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is Paul Simon.
17:11Here it is.
17:44it's good to see you again it's great to be here yeah you uh you're about to go on tour
17:51again
17:53yeah i'm leaving monday and the first show we play is in prague we play in europe okay and uh
18:00for a couple of months and then we come back to the united states and play in the summer here
18:05you
18:05you you you went over to europe uh when you were first starting out right uh i moved to london
18:11when
18:12in 1964 or really kind of yeah it was 64. it was it was after uh the kennedy assassination
18:22and i lived there for uh two years until the end is this is this uh one of those it
18:28says this is in
18:29norwich england it says on the back of there there you go um you can what did you you can
18:35what did that experience do for your music you you can see the girl in the middle is really into
18:40it
18:44palm your hand palm your hand sleepy groupie so what that experience going over there to europe
18:51do for your music oh it had a tremendous effect on my music because uh that uh that culture
19:02uh the english you know what are we calling celtic uh you know what i mean
19:13yeah i love that music fell in love with that music i mean of course of here here i would
19:19have heard it
19:19as a sound in the everly brothers but over there you hear the or the origins of it so i
19:28fell in love with
19:29it and i learned a lot about guitar i originally started out playing electric guitar then i switched
19:34to acoustic and i learned how to i learned how to finger pick i learned i learned a lot and
19:41i i was
19:42playing like that that's that must be pretty early pretty early probably 64. but i played these uh folk
19:50lovers which were really just rooms above a pub sometimes they had a mic sometimes they didn't have a mic
19:56you know it would be about between maybe 50 and 75 people and i learned how to how to be
20:05an act
20:06you know how to put together a set and talk a little patter stuff like that yeah that's right
20:11did you ever bust on the streets i bust in europe a little bit when i was you did yeah
20:15yeah yeah terrible
20:16mime but did you do that it's tough yeah i did in paris i did
20:24what we would do is find a storefront that had uh you know an entrance a pretty big entrance way
20:32not
20:32not the door right on the street and uh so you'd stand in the front of that and there'd be
20:38a little
20:38bit of echo coming from there oh it'd be like a little amplifier behind and then
20:45the trick was you start to play and a group of people what they line or line make a summer
20:53circle
20:53around you then a second group comes and then a third group comes and when the third group comes
20:59then your partner who's a pretty girl comes with a hat to the first group they can't get out
21:13write that down kids write that down that's show business your tour includes uh some uh uh new
21:22stuff some of the old stuff you've started taking requests on stage uh with a certain incentive you're
21:28looking for can we show this clip right now
21:38you
21:38you
21:38you
21:38you
21:38you
21:38you
21:38you
22:00SO, CASH MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
22:04WELL, WHAT HAPPENED, IT DOES.
22:08I'M JUST WONDERING IF ME AND MY FRIEND MR. JACKSON HERE COULD ENTICE YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING SO RIGHT.
22:25OH, I'M DOING THAT ANYWAY.
22:28YOU KEEP IT.
22:33WHAT HAPPENED WAS SOMEBODY WAS YELLING OUT FROM THE AUDIENCE, DO COTACHROME, DO COTACHROME.
22:40AND I SAID, NO, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT IN THIS SET.
22:45YOU KNOW, AND HE STILL KEPT YELLING, SO I SAID, OKAY, BUT IT'LL COST YOU.
22:52I WANT $20.
22:55AND, LIKE, NOBODY MOVES, AND I SAID, NO, SERIOUSLY.
22:59SO, HE CAME AND HE GAVE ME THE $20.
23:02AND I PICKED IT UP AND I PLAYED A LITTLE BIT OF COTACHROME.
23:06WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
23:07WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PAUL SIMON, EVERYBODY.
23:09STICK AROUND.
23:23WE'RE BACK WITH PAUL SIMON.
23:26WHEN THE LYRICS OF A SONG COME TO YOU, DO YOU EVER RESIST THE LYRICS?
23:32YEAH.
23:32YOU GO, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
23:37OR I DON'T LIKE WHAT THAT MEANS.
23:39YEAH, MORE LIKE THAT.
23:41I MIGHT SAY, LIKE, A LOT OF SONGS, A LOT OF MY SONGS USED TO BEGIN,
23:49AND THEY WERE REALLY ANGRY IN THE BEGINNING.
23:53ANGRY PAUL SIMON?
23:54YEAH.
23:55AND I'D SAY, OKAY, SO...
23:57SLOW DOWN, YOU MOVE TOO FAST.
24:00GOTTA MAKE THE MORNING LAST.
24:03SKIPPING DOWN THE COBBLESTONES.
24:06YOU, LAMP POST.
24:08FEELING GROOVY MY ASS.
24:16HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ON MY MOUNT RUSHMORE OF AMERICAN LYRICISTS.
24:20IT'S YOU.
24:20ACTUALLY, THERE ARE FIVE ON MY.
24:21IT'S YOU, IT'S SONGHIME, IT'S DYLAN, IT'S JACKSON BROWN, AND IT'S JOHN PRIME.
24:27I'M JUST CURIOUS.
24:33WHO IS A LYRICIST THAT YOU LOOK TO AND GO, OH, BOY, THAT IS SPECIAL.
24:39THAT IS AN EXTRAORDINARY TURN OF PHRASE THAT SURPRISES EVEN ME, PAUL SIMON.
24:44WELL, YOU MEAN A LYRICIST WHO CONSISTENTLY DOES THAT?
24:48YEAH.
24:48WELL, I WOULD START TO SAY THAT IN THE 50s, CHUCK BERRY WROTE THINGS THAT WERE SO GOOD THAT THEY
24:55COULD HAVE BEEN PART OF THE HARLEM RENAISSANCE.
24:58AND HE TAUGHT, HE TAUGHT MY WHOLE GENERATION.
25:07THEY'RE ALL INFLUENCED BY CHUCK BERRY, BOB AND THE BEATLES AND EVERYBODY.
25:13BECAUSE HE MADE STORIES IN WORDS THAT FLOWED EFFORTLY.
25:19AND HIS STORIES WERE GREAT, GREAT STORIES.
25:23MAYBELINE, JOHNNY BE GOOD IS A GREAT STORY, YOU KNOW, USED TO CARRY HIS GUITAR IN A GUNNY SACK.
25:30I THINK, WHAT IS A GUNNY SACK?
25:32YOU KNOW, WHAT IS IT?
25:33I MEAN, HIS DESCRIPTIONS.
25:35IT WAS A TEENAGE WEDDING AND THE OLD FOLKS WISHED THEM WELL.
25:38THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
25:39YEAH.
25:40YO-YO MA WAS HERE A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, AND ONE OF THE THINGS HE SAID IS HE HAS BEEN,
25:44AS HE GOES ON WITH HIS CAREER,
25:46HE'S INCREASINGLY ASKING HIMSELF, WHAT IS MUSIC FOR?
25:49HE'S TRYING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR HIMSELF WITH HIS PERFORMANCES.
25:52I'M JUST CURIOUS, WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE THAT MUSIC IS FOR?
25:57WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
26:00I MEAN, IT'S INTERESTING THAT THAT WAS A QUESTION THAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT.
26:05YOU KNOW, IT'S SO, IT'S SO MUCH A PART OF THE SPECIES.
26:11IT'S THE FIRST, IT'S, IT'S ALWAYS, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE.
26:18AND IT'S A MYSTERY, WHY IT CAN PRODUCE THESE EMOTIONS IN PEOPLE.
26:25YOU KNOW, SORROW AND WAR OR JOHN PHILIP SOUZA, YOU KNOW, WHEN HE WRITES THIS MUSIC THAT ARE MARCHES.
26:36AND YOU HAVE TO, YOU HAVE TO GET UP AND MARCH.
26:40HIS LEGES GOING...
26:56THAT'S PRETTY AMAZING.
26:57THAT'S PRETTY GREAT, YEAH.
26:58IT'S LIKE MAGIC.
27:00YOU COULD SAY IF THERE'S MAGIC.
27:04DON'T GIVE ME PERMISSION TO SAY THINGS, PAUL SIMON.
27:07IT'S MY SHOW.
27:08OF COURSE.
27:08YES.
27:10OF COURSE.
27:10YOU GOT SOME NERVE.
27:12YEAH.
27:13YEAH.
27:15YEAH.
27:15SO YOU, WHAT, WHAT, HUH?
27:18I JUST DON'T WANT TO LET YOU GO.
27:20THEY TURN OFF THE CAMERAS A LONG TIME AGO.
27:26PAUL, THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
27:29AND PAUL WILL BE PERFORMING IN JUST A MOMENT.
27:33TICKETS FOR THIS SUMMER'S A QUIET CELEBRATION TOUR ARE AVAILABLE NOW.
27:37STICK AROUND.
27:38HE'S GOING TO PERFORM.
27:39WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RAMI YUSUF.
27:54HEY, EVERYBODY.
27:58WELCOME BACK.
27:59MY NEXT GUEST IS A GOLDEN GLOBE AND PEABODY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, WRITER, AND STANDUP
28:04COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM RAMI AND POOR THINGS.
28:07HIS NEW STANDUP SPECIAL IS RAMI YUSUF IN LOVE.
28:11I GOT THIS CALL.
28:13AGAIN, I CAN ONLY TALK TO MY WIFE ABOUT THIS.
28:15I GOT THIS CALL FROM STEPHEN COLBERT.
28:17THERE.
28:18YEAH.
28:19AND, NO, BUT HE GOES, RAMI, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO A CLOSED-DOOR MEETING AT THE VATICAN.
28:28WITH THE POPE.
28:31YEAH, AND THIS WAS LIKE THE POPE POPE.
28:33I MEAN, NOT THE CHICAGO POPE.
28:36NO, NO OFFENSE TO YOU GUYS.
28:38I JUST THINK, OKAY, I THINK HE'S A GREAT GUY.
28:41I JUST HAVE THIS BELIEF THAT POPES SHOULD NOT KNOW ENGLISH.
28:45I DON'T KNOW.
28:47SHOULDN'T THE POPE JUST BE SO...
28:49YOU KNOW THE POPE?
28:50JUST THERE'S A VIVE.
28:51IT'S JUST LIKE...
28:54YOU KNOW, LIKE, THAT KIND OF ITALIAN.
28:56IT'S SO ITALIAN.
28:57IT SOUNDS JAPANESE.
29:04THIS NEW ONE, POPE BOB PLAYS WORDS WITH FRIENDS WITH HIS BROTHER EVERY DAY.
29:09OKAY, THE POPE HAS AN APPLE I.D.?
29:13PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, RAMI YUSUF.
29:36FIRST OF ALL, AND WE CAN CUT THIS OUT IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT IT, YOU SMELL
29:39REALLY GOOD.
29:41WHAT IS YOUR, WHAT ARE WE WEARING?
29:42WHAT IS VERY MANLY BUT VERY FRESH?
29:44WHAT DO YOU, WHAT DO YOU WEAR?
29:46IT'S THE KIND OF THING IT'S, YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T REALLY TELL YOU.
29:48BECAUSE I DON'T WANT...
29:49BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SPONSORED.
29:51WELL, YEAH.
29:51YOU'RE NOT SPONSORED AND NOBODY GETS A FREE RIDE.
29:53IT'S A TOUGH THING AND THEN YOU'LL START WEARING IT AND IT'LL BE A WHOLE THING.
29:56I'LL STEAL YOUR CAREER.
29:59WE JUST SAW THAT CLIP.
30:00SO PEOPLE KNOW YOU AND I MET POPE FRANCIS TOGETHER.
30:03YEAH.
30:03WHAT WAS THAT DAY LIKE FOR YOU?
30:06I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T HAD THAT MUCH CHANCE TO TALK TO MANY PEOPLE.
30:08THERE WERE LIKE 16 OF US FROM THE UNITED STATES WHO WENT.
30:11AND WE HAVEN'T HAD, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THAT MANY PEOPLE ABOUT IT SINCE.
30:14IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
30:15I MEAN, IT WAS SUCH A SPIRITUAL PLACE.
30:17I HAD SOME DOUBTS ABOUT GOING.
30:19SURE.
30:20I WAS, BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE INVITATION.
30:22AND I ALSO HAD THIS, I WAS LIKE, OKAY, IS STEVEN TRYING TO GET ME IN THE ILLUMINATI?
30:25LIKE, I DON'T KNOW.
30:27I'M TRYING TO GET ME IN THE ILLUMINATI.
30:29WELL, I, WHICH I QUICKLY FIGURED OUT.
30:31LIKE, WE PULLED UP AND I SAID, OH, HE'S NOT IN.
30:34NO.
30:34UH, THAT WAS CLEAR.
30:36BECAUSE WE CAME IN THROUGH THE SERVANT'S ENTRANCE.
30:38IT WAS NOT A GOOD ENTRANCE.
30:39WE CAME IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR, BASICALLY.
30:41IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
30:42IT WAS ACTUALLY SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS THING.
30:44AND THAT'S HOW I KNEW I WANTED TO GO BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH A HOLY PLACE.
30:48AND MY DAD REALLY MADE IT CLEAR THAT I HAD TO GO.
30:50WHY?
30:51WELL, I CALLED MY DAD.
30:52I WAS LIKE, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GO TO THE VATICAN?
30:53HE GOES, RAMI, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
30:55YOU'RE A MUSLIM.
30:56YOU GET TO GO MEET A REALLY HOLY MAN.
30:59WE BELIEVE IN ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN PURE LOVE.
31:01GO MEET THE POPE.
31:02IT'S YOUR JOB TO MEET HIM, LOVE HIM, AND CONVERT HIM.
31:06AND THAT IS THE...
31:15THAT DRUM CAME SO QUICK.
31:16YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT.
31:18IT'S VERY GOOD.
31:19IT'S VERY GOOD.
31:20IT'S VERY GOOD DRUM.
31:22YEAH, BUT IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
31:24WE HAD A WONDERFUL GROUP OF PEOPLE WITH US, TOO.
31:27WHO DID YOU HANG WITH, MOSTLY?
31:29I THINK IT WAS REALLY ME AND CONAN.
31:30WE GOT IT.
31:31HE WAS.
31:32IS THAT I GOT THIS GIVEN RIGHT?
31:34IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?
31:35YEAH.
31:36THERE YOU GO.
31:37THERE'S THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER.
31:43WE HAD A LOT.
31:45IT WAS HARD TO, LIKE, NOT KNOW WHERE OUR GROUP WAS,
31:48BECAUSE WE HAD HIM AND STEVEN MERCHANT,
31:50WHO COULD DUNK ON CONAN, HE'S SO TALL.
31:53AND IT WAS JUST... IT WAS CRAZY.
31:55WE WERE IN THE SUN FOR THREE MINUTES.
31:57HE GOT COMPLETELY SUNBURNED.
31:58LIKE, HE DIDN'T...
31:59HE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THAT ON THE WAY.
32:02AND THEN WE WERE JUST OUT THERE.
32:03IT WAS...
32:03HAD YOU BEEN TO ROME BEFORE?
32:05NO, IT WAS MY FIRST TIME.
32:06OH, THE ETERNAL CITY.
32:07WHAT'D YOU THINK?
32:08IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
32:09I MEAN, FIRST OFF, TO GO FIRST TIME,
32:11VATICAN, COURTSIDE, POPE, INCREDIBLE.
32:13YES.
32:14APOSTOLIC PALACE.
32:15NO, NO.
32:15JUST UNBELIEVABLE.
32:16YEAH.
32:17AND THEN THERE WAS THIS...
32:18OH, MAN.
32:18SO THERE WAS THIS GUY, THIS GUY WHO DOES THESE TOURS IN ROME,
32:21WHO'S INCREDIBLE.
32:22HIS NAME'S AMIR.
32:22HE'S THIS IRANIAN GUY WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT,
32:25AND HE TAKES YOU IN A GOLF CART ALL AROUND ROME.
32:28THEY LET HIM DO THAT?
32:29I THINK HE'S THE ONLY GUY,
32:31BECAUSE HE'S SCORSEZE'S GUY.
32:33SO HE JUST GOES, THIS IS WHERE SCORSEZE EATS,
32:35AND HE JUST SHOWS YOU...
32:36HOW'D YOU FIND HIM?
32:37SCORSEZE.
32:41OKAY, HOW'D YOU FIND SCORSEZE?
32:44I CAN'T CALL UP SCORSEZE.
32:46CAN YOU JUST CALL UP SCORSEZE?
32:47YEAH, WELL, YOU GOTTA HAVE THE SAME COLON GUY AS HIM,
32:50AND THEN YOU CAN KIND OF...
32:52AND THAT'S WHAT I WAS SMELLING.
32:54I KNEW YOU SMELED LIKE SOMEBODY.
32:56YEAH, THAT WAS A LITTLE SLOW ON THAT ONE.
32:58YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
33:00YOU PLAYED ZORAN MAMDANI A COUPLE MONTHS AGO BACK ON SNL.
33:04YEAH.
33:04NICE JOB.
33:05WHAT'S THE TRICK?
33:07WHAT'S YOUR HOOK, I WOULD RATHER SAY?
33:10WHAT'S YOUR HOOK FOR A GOOD MOMDANI?
33:12I WOULD JUST WATCH HIM SMILE NO MATTER WHAT HE WAS SAYING.
33:18YOU KNOW, NO MATTER WHAT WAS GOING ON.
33:20LIKE, IT WAS JUST EVERYTHING.
33:21IT COULD BE THE MOST SERIOUS THING, AND HE'D HAVE A SMILE
33:24AND THEN BE INCREDIBLY SERIOUS.
33:25AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS KIND OF THE WAY IN.
33:26IT WAS VERY FUN.
33:27WOW.
33:27YEAH.
33:28EVEN THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T MAKE YOU SMILE,
33:29HE SMILES WHEN HE SAYS THEM.
33:31OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
33:32HE'LL JUST, LIKE, ICE.
33:34HE'D BE LIKE, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN THE CITY.
33:39DID HE WATCH?
33:39AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, BIG, LIKE, GAMING SMILE.
33:42DO YOU KNOW IF HE SAW IT?
33:43YEAH, HE SAW IT.
33:44HE SAW IT, AND, AND, UH, HE ACTUALLY, LIKE, WE HAD A,
33:47HE CALLED ME WHEN I WAS STILL DRESSED AS HIM,
33:48AND HE WAS REALLY CREEPED OUT BY IT.
33:50HOW'D HE GET YOUR NUMBER?
33:51DID HE, DID HE CALL SCORSEZI?
33:54YOU OFTEN TALK ABOUT, UH, FAITH IN YOUR COMEDY.
33:57YEAH.
33:57WHY, I, I'VE GOT MY OWN REASONS WHY I ENJOY DOING THAT,
34:00WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES.
34:02YEAH.
34:02WHY YOU?
34:04I, BECAUSE IT MEANS SO MUCH, YOU KNOW,
34:06AND I THINK WE'RE INHERENTLY IMPERFECT,
34:08AND IT'S NICE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES.
34:09SO I'M NEVER MAKING FUN OF THE THING.
34:11IT'S ALWAYS JUST, AND I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE SAME WAY.
34:13YOU HAVE SUCH REVERENCE.
34:14I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT WAS BEAUTIFUL ABOUT GOING TO THE POPE WITH YOU.
34:16WHICH, ALSO, I HAVE TO SAY, WAS SUPER SURREAL,
34:18BECAUSE I DID MY FIRST STAND-UP APPEARANCE EVER, EVER,
34:21ON THIS SHOW IN 2017, AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
34:28THAT FELT LIKE A SPIRITUAL MOMENT, TO GO FROM THAT,
34:32AND THEN LESS THAN 10 YEARS LATER TO BE AT THE POPE WITH YOU.
34:35I WAS LIKE, WOW, I BELIEVE IN GOD.
34:38BUT I COULDN'T LOOK YOU INTO THE EYES.
34:40IF WE LOOKED IN THE EYES, I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD'VE MADE ME CHRISTIAN,
34:42SO I LOOKED AWAY.
34:46I'M COMING FOR YOU.
34:47I KNOW.
34:49Ramy, SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.
34:50THANKS, MAN.
34:50THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
34:52Ramy Youssef, IN LOVE, DEBUTS APRIL 17TH ON THE OTHER
34:55ON HBO AND HBO MAX.
34:58WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY PAUL SIMON.
35:04AND NOW PERFORMING SOMETHING SO RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
35:07PAUL SIMON.
35:11THANKS SOON Yes Yes.
35:16THANK YOU.
35:16THANK YOU DO.
35:37THANK
35:47You've got the cool water
35:51When the fever runs high
36:00You've got the look of love
36:03Live in your eyes
36:05And I was in crazy motion
36:10Till you calmed me down
36:16It took a little time
36:18But you calmed me down
36:24When something goes wrong
36:27I'm the first to admit it
36:31The first to admit it
36:34The last one to know
36:39Something goes right
36:41And it's likely to lose me
36:45It's apt to confuse me
36:48It's such an unusual sight
36:51Oh, I can't
36:52I can't get used to something so right
36:57Something so right
37:13They've got a wall in China
37:17It's a thousand miles long
37:26To keep out the foreigners
37:29They made it strong
37:31And I've got a wall around me
37:36That you can't even see
37:43It took a little time
37:46To get next to me
37:52Something goes wrong
37:54And I'm the first to admit it
37:59And I'm the first to admit it
38:02And the last one to know
38:06Something goes right
38:08And it's likely to lose me
38:12It's apt to confuse me
38:15It's such an unusual sight
38:19Oh, I swear
38:19I can't get used to something so right
38:28Something so right
38:32Some people never say
38:35The words I love you
38:38It's not that style
38:40Oh, to be so bold
38:47Some people never say
38:49The words I love you
38:51But like a child
38:55They're longing to be told
39:03Something goes wrong
39:08I'm the first to admit it
39:11The first to admit it
39:15The last one to know
39:19Something goes right
39:21And it's likely to lose me
39:26It's apt to confuse me
39:28It's such an unusual sight
39:32I swear I can't
39:34I can't get used to something so right
39:40Oh, something so right
40:04Something so right
40:19You can catch him on tour this summer
40:21Mr. Paul Simon, everybody
40:23Good night
Comments