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TVTranscript
01:19This sounds like more than we can handle.
01:28This sounds like more than we can handle.
01:54Unhand her, Cad, or I'll have to disarm you.
01:59Save that for my next book.
02:01Stay back, Duckman, or it's going to get ugly.
02:05I said stay back.
02:08One more step and I'll, I'll, and I'll pull back this curtain.
02:15That's right, it's This Could Be Your Life, the show that each week takes a memorable personality
02:20we can cross-promote with the evening news and asks the burning question, what makes him
02:25or her so unique, so special, so one of a kind, we'll watch them on TV rather than go out
02:31and
02:31have a life of our own.
02:32Tonight's guest, that incomparable crime-fighting hero, Duckman.
02:38Man, Duckman, Duckman.
02:41What?
02:42Really?
02:42Well, Duckman, according to your family, you're not an incomparable crime-fighting hero.
02:48You're not special or unique.
02:50In fact, there's absolutely nothing memorable about you at all.
02:54Whoa!
03:00Whoa!
03:01Smoke!
03:02Smoke!
03:03I need a smoke.
03:05Ow!
03:17What's the matter?
03:19You seem a little down this morning.
03:21It's okay, you can tell me about it, I'm here for you.
03:24Well, if you really want to know.
03:26Mm-hmm.
03:27I had that dream again.
03:28Aw.
03:28One where no one cares about anything I say or do.
03:31Quiet, you worthless psych-a-pillar-stuffing him on the phone!
03:34We'll talk at lunch.
03:36Duckman, you left feathers on the sink last night.
03:38You were supposed to get your dog neutered.
03:39I caught him looking funny at the hamster again.
03:41And you've been smoking.
03:42I can smell it on your breath.
03:44I was not smoking.
03:45You can't accuse me of something I wasn't even doing.
03:48Oh, yeah? Then you were sucking on the bottom of an ashtray like some pathetic and disgusting nicotine junkie.
03:53That's better.
03:53I'm telling you for the last time, Duckman, I don't want this house smelling like one of your stale old
03:57cigarette butts.
04:00Like my stale old butts are the problem around here.
04:02Aw, Grandma, I can't help it.
04:04She's comatose.
04:06Go!
04:06And you will be, too, if you touch the children's breakfast.
04:10Fine. I'll make my own damn breakfast.
04:12Again!
04:14No fats, no preservatives, no red and yellow dyes.
04:18Shows you what happens when you let a bunch of pasty-faced, pansy-wiped scientists get you all worked up
04:22over a few carcinogens.
04:24Yeast cakes. Every bite a nutritional potpourri.
04:27Uh, morning, son. How's school?
04:31Ah! There's my stopwatch.
04:40Is not is so!
04:41Is not is so!
04:42Your theory totally overlooks the ontological side,
04:45and yours underestimates the Cartesian perspective on antisocial pathology.
04:49Freudian, Jungian!
04:52Charles!
04:53Mama!
04:53Now get off! You're giving me a headache!
04:55Boys, not in front of Grandmama.
04:59Yeast cakes!
05:01Good morning, Grandmama.
05:03All right, that's it. I've had it.
05:04For all the response I get around here, I might as well be invisible.
05:07I know your mother died.
05:09I know she left you in the house to her sister.
05:12But I still live here. I'm still the man of the house.
05:14And I demand to be heard, to be recognized, to be...
05:20So, my sister-in-law is a walking Cuisinart.
05:23Well, my children do treat me like some kind of skin rat.
05:26At least I'm freeway close.
05:30My tire!
05:32I don't get it. I'd break for animals if they're big enough to dent my car.
05:36I don't pop any zits above the eyeline.
05:38I treat others the way I'd like to be treated.
05:42Same to you, sister!
05:43They devote a lifetime to the church. They think they own the road.
05:48It'd just be nice for ones to be noticed.
05:51Get the kind of attention I deserve.
05:58Note to myself, more thumbtacks in the bird feeder.
06:03What the hell are you staring at?
06:06Hello, Mr. Duckman.
06:07Being aware of your little digestive problem,
06:10we made you a bran muffin and a mug of steaming liquid grit.
06:13Be good to your bowels, and they'll be good to you.
06:17We also called your doctor to tell him we think you've been a naughty detective.
06:22You've been smoking again.
06:24And he said, quote,
06:25keep it up and his heart will burst and splatter all over the inside of his tar-filled lungs.
06:31End quote.
06:32So we set traps in all your cigarette packages.
06:38Don't worry about Fluffy, sir.
06:40That's the good thing about being stuffed.
06:42We're very resilient.
06:47That Mr. Duckman, he's getting much better at expressing his emotions.
06:52So what if they work for free?
06:54The last thing I need this morning is a couple of touchy-feely secretaries.
06:56Some cat coughed up.
07:01Fine, thank you.
07:02Just peachy, and how are you today?
07:04Ace's Duckman.
07:05I'm doomed, cornfed.
07:06Doomed to live an unnoticed life.
07:08An anonymous drone stepped over and unappreciated till the day I die.
07:12Is it me, or does your hair have more body?
07:14Are you listening to me?
07:15I'm invisible, corny.
07:17I'm falling through the cracks without leaving a mark.
07:19My own family ignores me, and who can blame them?
07:21There's nothing special about me.
07:23Nothing unique.
07:24I'm just one more duck detective who works with a pig
07:26and lives with the twin sister of his dead wife,
07:28three sons on two bodies,
07:29and a comatose mother-in-law's got so much gas,
07:30she's a fire hazard.
07:32Sure, but there are things that stand out about you, too.
07:34Like what?
07:35Name one thing about me that stands out,
07:38that I'll be remembered for.
07:43Is that a Zeppelin?
07:44Oh, nice!
07:45You see, I'm not unique.
07:47I'm not special.
07:48I don't even have a coffee mug with my name on it.
07:51It's the dream again, Duckman.
07:52You're letting it win.
07:53I know.
07:54I used to have a recurring dream.
07:55I'd dream I fell and hit my head on a fishbowl,
07:57hurt myself just bad enough to work graveyard shift at a convenience store.
08:00A group of Hare Krishnas always came in at 4 a.m.
08:03and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushy
08:04and a package of banana-flavored Ding Dongs.
08:06Then the Swedish bikini team jumped out of a magazine
08:08and read Moby Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese.
08:11Why, I'd ask myself.
08:12What could it mean?
08:13Am I mad?
08:14Or is the world simply a mystery too complex to understand?
08:18Mm-hmm.
08:19Um, getting back to me!
08:23Mr. Duckman, the package just came.
08:25But we think we should send it back.
08:27It's wrapped in non-biodegradable plastic tape.
08:31Just open it.
08:32Not that I ever get anything good.
08:33No one out there cares if I live or die either.
08:41Good news.
08:42Someone cares.
08:43It's true, Corny.
08:44Someone sent a bomb to me.
08:45Someone actually wants me dead.
08:47But who?
08:48I can't think of anyone who'd want to kill me.
08:50Well, there's your paper, boy.
08:51The neighbor with the dog you said the bear trap's for.
08:53The cab driver's union.
08:54The father of that ballerina.
08:55Never mind.
08:56I know who it has to be.
08:57Let's go.
08:57Two of your uncles, Scout Troop 44.
08:59Mr. Duckman, if you could find our arms and legs,
09:02this radiator's getting a tad warm.
09:11Thanks for letting us see the prison award.
09:14Obviously, this is a very serious matter.
09:18I'm the one who had him arrested.
09:21I'm sure he's seeking revenge by trying to violently end my life.
09:28Why do you think it's Ham?
09:30I'm a detective, Warden.
09:31We make a living on our hunches.
09:33I was able to eliminate others I've captured
09:34because I catered to everyone but the victim legal system
09:37let them off on technicalities.
09:38They weren't guilty.
09:39Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.
09:40Can we just get on with this?
09:43Lucky for them, they're behind bars.
09:44I'd love to teach these brain-dead, bread-and-water-eating scumbags
09:48some manners.
09:50Did I mention we're on the honor system?
09:54A little prison humor, fellas.
09:56Fact is, some of my best friends are brain-dead, bread-and-water-eating scumbags.
10:07What happens, Warden?
10:08What snaps on the man?
10:10What makes him sink so low that he ends up spending an empty lifetime in a hellhole like this?
10:14Good dental plan.
10:15Oh, oh, you meant the prisoners.
10:17Who knows?
10:18Too many violent cartoons when they were kids.
10:22Rehab.
10:22We like to acclimate prisoners, not just back into society, but into high society.
10:28There are those, of course, who are too far gone to be rehabilitated.
10:33The white-collar criminals.
10:34There's gang activity brewing.
10:36They're wearing their colors today.
10:38Inside traders in the red ties.
10:40S&L executives in the blue.
10:42Zero coupon bonds.
10:44Milders!
10:45Zero coupon bonds!
10:47It's a very delicate situation.
10:49One misstep could cause a full-scale riot.
10:51Milders!
10:57Where are you?
10:58Freeze up a few more cells.
11:01The cell of Wolfgang Cracker.
11:03The cannibalistic maniac who's committed some of the most horrendous crimes known to mankind.
11:09Ooh, I'm shaking.
11:11I caught him once.
11:12I think I'm ready for whatever he's got.
11:18Sorry.
11:19Did I scare you?
11:20A little fun I have.
11:22People seem to expect it.
11:23Please do come in.
11:25You have a photo session at four with the mares.
11:28The mares asked you to do two more cannibal awareness spots.
11:31The beef council called again and so did Heinz.
11:34Impressive, no?
11:35What a monstrously grotesque crime and a good agent can do.
11:40I don't believe I caught your name.
11:41You know who I am, pal.
11:43I'm the guy who put you away.
11:44Yes, Darkman.
11:46The Darkwing.
11:46Daffy.
11:47Duckman.
11:48Duckman, precisely.
11:49The one I tripped over.
11:50We don't need to go into that now.
11:52His sister-in-law was chasing him with a waffle iron when he slipped on his son's skateboard
11:56and rolled into the street just as Cracker was running to his getaway car,
11:59causing Cracker to trip over Duckman flying into a passing police car.
12:02You think that was an accident?
12:04And now you've sworn revenge.
12:06You're trying to kill me!
12:08Yes, the parole board called.
12:10They'd like to discuss releasing you tomorrow at two.
12:12Can't.
12:12PTA's here at two.
12:13Try breakfast month from Wednesday.
12:15Getting caught's the best thing that ever happened to me, duct tape.
12:17I've become rich and famous in prison.
12:20I've even helped erase the silly stigma attached to my particular avocation.
12:24Eat 20, 25 people.
12:25They label you.
12:26But thanks to my book, My Favorite Finger Foods, 35 Weeks is a National Best Seller.
12:30What was once an unspeakable taboo is now a lifestyle choice.
12:35Arnold's on one wants to be in your next exercise video.
12:37Two's Gabor about your new line of greeting cards.
12:39Callbacks.
12:40And of course I found religion as well.
12:42Now I only eat fishermen on Fridays.
12:45Only kidding.
12:47My success guarantees that I'll be loved by millions while you'll live and die in obscurity.
12:51So, with regards to my having you killed, dark meat, why bother?
12:57A special delivery.
13:00I'd say, uh, another organ of some kind.
13:04Fans.
13:04If you'll excuse me.
13:07I don't buy what you're selling, Cracker.
13:09Every instinct I've honed over all my years as a detective tells me you're the only one who could be
13:13trying to kill me!
13:26I'm feeling a little frazzled, like things are starting to unravel.
13:30I sure could use that chest full of smoke about now.
13:34Ow!
13:36This bomber's gonna kill me, Cornfed!
13:38He finds me everywhere, in my office, in the prison!
13:40In your car.
13:44Close one, Corny.
13:45At least this time no one got hurt.
13:54I don't want to miss dinner.
13:56I gotta take one more shot at talking to my kids.
13:58Connecting with them, you know.
13:59Before.
14:00Hey, twins, I just had a thought.
14:03Bet it hurt.
14:04First one's always the hardest.
14:06Is it possible to love a sandwich so much you don't want to eat it, because then it'll be gone?
14:11Hey, kids, I was thinking we could spend a little bit of quality...
14:15It's on the window closest to the exhaust.
14:18Oh, Duckman, you're three minutes late.
14:20I gave your dinner to a man who came to the door selling blenders.
14:22And you got a message from someone who said you made a mistake in your past,
14:25and you're gonna pay for it by being blown into a thousand little bits of flesh.
14:28I'll be back at 9.30.
14:30But wait!
14:32Kids!
14:32I wanted to...
14:43The answer's up here.
14:44The bomber said I made a mistake in my past.
14:46My whole past is in this attic.
14:48How'd our pigs die?
14:50Oh, uh, figure of speech.
14:59Hmm.
15:00Ironic, isn't it?
15:01Your search through the past for clues to the killer's identity may actually provide clues to your own identity.
15:06The search in the end becoming man's ultimate search.
15:08The search for himself.
15:11You have a large wad of broccoli stuck between your teeth.
15:14Here they are.
15:15I knew I had them.
15:16The answer's gotta be in here.
15:17Home movies!
15:19Actually, I've been putting off regretting that bathroom tile too long.
15:24This first one goes back to when I was really young.
15:30I want to be captain.
15:31I want to be captain!
15:32Okie dokie, duck boy.
15:32I just want to be fair.
15:34Even though you have been captain 37 times in a row.
15:36I want it!
15:37I want it!
15:37I want it!
15:38I want it!
15:39What the hell are you staring at?
15:41Well, duck man, just a reminder that treating others like this young mouse does is the surest road to a
15:48successful and rewarding life.
15:50I want it!
15:51I want it!
15:52I want it!
15:52I want it!
15:53I want it!
15:56So what?
15:56So the squeaky voice of the little rodent kissed a few rear ends made a buck or two.
16:00Maybe there's something in these.
16:02Help, duck man!
16:03Help!
16:04Eat your spinach so you can break through the ropes and save me!
16:12Help!
16:13Who ever got to be a hero eating spinach?
16:22There's got to be something good I didn't hear.
16:28Hello, Mr. Ranger.
16:30Sir, where should my son and I take our picnic basket?
16:34One last camping trip together before he goes to college and becomes better than your average duck.
16:41Uh, Dad?
16:43I decided not to go to college.
16:45No, college.
16:46That'd be a big boo-boo.
16:49You're going to college if I have to drag you to myself.
16:53Huh.
17:09So I met Beatrice instead.
17:12That wasn't a mistake.
17:13Now for this week's jackpot of $32 million.
17:17The winning numbers are 4, 11, 22, 51, and 88.
17:22That's me!
17:23Woo-hoo!
17:24I won!
17:25Oh!
17:27Ah!
17:30Duck man.
17:31You're not using my vacuum for that again.
17:34I'll change the filter.
17:35Honey, what am I going to do with you?
17:37Sometimes I think if anything ever happened to me, I'd have to will those kids in this house to my
17:41sister.
17:45Don't worry, Beatrice.
17:47Nothing's ever going to happen to you.
17:51Things sure have changed over the years.
17:53I miss her.
17:54You know, tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary.
17:57I forgot.
17:58I guess I blocked it out.
17:59It's the first one I'll be spending without her.
18:01That may explain the way you've been feeling lately.
18:07It's a dud, Corny.
18:08We're safe.
18:09Hey, look.
18:10There's a note on the package.
18:11I'll see you at your grave.
18:18It's him!
18:19Time for the obligatory chase.
18:26What a yutz.
18:27Trying to hide in a glow-in-the-dark t-shirt.
18:29Might as well send up a warning flare.
18:34What?
18:35No map?
18:44Wah!
18:46Boo!
18:47Ah!
18:49What the?
18:50This is my plot.
18:52Beatrice's is right next to it, but I never bought a headstone.
18:55I did, Duckman.
18:56It's a trap.
18:57I never saw it coming.
18:59Ooh!
18:59Rest in pieces!
19:01Blow me up!
19:02Did I mention how much I enjoyed your sense of irony?
19:05Actually, I'm not gonna blow you up.
19:07I'm gonna chop you!
19:09Ah!
19:11Ah!
19:14Play with tigers.
19:15You get covered in yellow hair.
19:16I'm sorry.
19:17I'm sorry.
19:18But I had to do something to get you back after you took those pictures of me having an affair.
19:22I know my wife paid you to do it, but it ruined my life.
19:25She left me.
19:26She was the only thing that made me special.
19:28Now I'm a nobody.
19:29It's like I never even existed!
19:32Wait a minute, pal.
19:33Hold the phone.
19:33You saying I got paid on this job?
19:36Gee, I'd remember that.
19:38You know, you're right.
19:39You're not the guy.
19:41Sorry.
19:42It's just that you look a lot like him.
19:44In fact, you look like a million other duck detectives.
19:47It's not like you stand out or anything.
19:50It's an honest mistake.
19:51No hard feelings.
19:52Ah, these...
19:53These things happen.
19:54Listen, I'm, uh...
19:55I'm a little too depressed to take you down to the police.
19:58Can I trust you to turn yourself in?
19:59Yeah, sure.
20:01Boy, do I feel stupid.
20:03You hear that, Kornfit?
20:05I'm not special.
20:06Even my own killer doesn't think so.
20:09Get a hold of yourself, duck man.
20:10It's true, Kornfit.
20:12I'm just like that bomber.
20:13I...
20:14I lost my identity when I lost my wife.
20:16But you still have something he doesn't, remember?
20:18His chainsaw?
20:19Your children.
20:20You're still the only father they have.
20:22That makes you special.
20:23No one else could have created the family you did.
20:26I mean that in a good way.
20:27Ah, what's the point?
20:29Their own mother didn't think I was up to raising them.
20:31Maybe I'm not.
20:32Maybe that's why they ignore me.
20:34Beatrice made me a better person.
20:37Without her here to help, I'm...
20:38I'm just not a very good father.
21:07Happy anniversary, dawg.
21:09First one without mom.
21:10We know it's tough.
21:11We miss her too.
21:15I did want to tell you,
21:16the twins and me think you're doing a good job, dad.
21:19And we love you.
21:44Thank you, son.
21:57See you next time.
22:16Thanks, guys.
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