- 4 hours ago
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00:07¡Gracias!
00:37¡Gracias!
01:00¿Peter, are you going to do the dishes you said you'd do?
01:02Ah, can't we get an immigrant for that already?
01:10Where do you think you're going?
01:12Boar's Head is unveiling a new cold cut, and me and the guys won tickets.
01:16So far, they've only released a silhouette of the meat.
01:18I threw a hundred on bison.
01:20Never know.
01:20Peter, we have dinner with Crystal and Clay tonight.
01:23We talked about this yesterday.
01:25Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day?
01:28Ah, yes.
01:30And do I typically remember things you say to me when I drink hard alcohol?
01:34No.
01:35Then why...
01:36I forget.
01:37I had hard alcohol today.
01:44How do we even know these people?
01:46No idea.
01:47I have rescheduled this so many times, I can't remember who they are.
01:50Lois?
01:51Hey, you guys.
01:53Huh.
01:54You know, I just want to get this out of the way.
01:56I am completely blanking on how we met.
01:58Ah, thank God.
02:00Me too.
02:01But it doesn't matter.
02:02We're here now.
02:03You weren't the one who got in a fist fight in my yoga class, were you?
02:07No.
02:08It wasn't me.
02:10I'm sure whoever it was had her reasons.
02:12Like, maybe that bitch shouldn't have run her bitch mouth.
02:15I don't know.
02:15I wasn't there.
02:16Hey, Peter.
02:17I'm Clay.
02:17Listen, I don't want to sound like a fanboy, but did I hear you work at Pawtucket, Pat?
02:22Yeah.
02:23Why?
02:23That's maybe like the coolest job I've ever heard of anyone having.
02:27It...
02:27It is?
02:29Dude, yes!
02:30You gotta tell me what it's like to work there.
02:32Lois, this guy is legit like a rock star to me.
02:35See, Lois?
02:36I told you I ain't just some bum.
02:38You don't like football by any chance, do you, Peter?
02:41Lois, I'm gonna be over here with Clay.
02:43Well, look who came around.
02:45Maybe we should all hang out more often.
02:47I'm in.
02:47We're always in the market for some cool friends.
02:49Oh, us too.
02:50Remember those weirdos we hung out with last week?
02:54You know, honey, you could at least make a guess.
02:57I don't make a guess until you give me credit card info.
03:01Maybe let's not talk about the arrangement in front of friends, okay?
03:10What do we want?
03:11No hablo in gays!
03:13When do we want it?
03:14No hablo in gays!
03:16Hi there.
03:17This is gonna sound like I'm just here for the food, but the Instagram post said there'd be food.
03:22Oh, I'm sorry.
03:23We just ran out.
03:24That's fine.
03:25I'm Brian.
03:26Dog guy.
03:27Hello, Brian the dog guy.
03:29I'm Carmen.
03:30Nice to meet you.
03:31You know, immigrants are kinda like dogs to me.
03:33Excuse me?
03:34Oh, no, no.
03:35I wasn't...
03:35I mean, we're separated from our families, put in cages.
03:38All you can do is hope there's a group of nice people somewhere willing to share their
03:42home with you.
03:42I see what you mean.
03:44So where are you from?
03:45I'm from Cuba.
03:46Oh, nice.
03:47You guys got elephants and stuff, right?
03:49I think you're thinking of Africa.
03:51No, I think, uh, pretty sure...
03:54Yeah, whatever.
03:55Listen, I'm volunteering today, so I have to go help out.
03:58Look, I don't normally do this, but is there any chance we could go out sometime?
04:02I'm so sorry.
04:04You seem great.
04:05But I just agreed to go out with that guy.
04:11Actually, never mind.
04:12I'm free.
04:13If you want, I'm going to the Havana Club tonight at 6.
04:16You should come.
04:17Okay, I'll be there.
04:18Thanks.
04:20Ah, America at work.
04:22Immigrants, liberals, conservatives, and the one guy with absolutely no idea what's going
04:27on here today.
04:27What's going on here?
04:29Some kind of festival?
04:31Cocky Jogger
04:32I stay out of politics.
04:46Hey, there you are.
04:48Oh, you made it.
04:50Allowed to smoke in here, huh?
04:51Gosh, you really look incredible.
04:53Oh, thank you.
04:54I got here early so we could be in the horn section.
04:57Sorry, you said in the horn section?
05:00Is it too loud for you?
05:02I know dogs have very sensitive hearing.
05:05No, no.
05:06This is great.
05:08Do you like for horns to be louder?
05:10No, no, no.
05:11That's okay.
05:11Do you like for horns to be louder?
05:18They played this at my mother's funeral.
05:23Man, you really missed out on the boar's head event, Peter.
05:26Joe even got some chick's number.
05:28Hospice nurse.
05:28I, uh, I gotta have a talk with you guys at some point.
05:32Well, why'd you bail, Peter?
05:33And Lois had a dinner scheduled with another couple.
05:35That's so lame.
05:36I hate that stuff.
05:38You know what?
05:38I just said that to sound cool.
05:40I enjoy meeting new people.
05:42Yeah, I usually hate it too, but these guys were fun.
05:45Uh, Clay and Crystal something.
05:47Oh boy.
05:48What?
05:49Crystal and Clay Duffy?
05:50Yeah, so what?
05:51Peter, those guys.
05:53How do I say this?
05:55Engage an interrelationship coitus on the reg?
05:59Huh?
05:59They're swingers.
06:00Like the biggest in town.
06:01They try with everyone.
06:02Big time.
06:03They tried that with me and Bon.
06:05I stayed out in the car.
06:07Bon went in for a few hours to talk to them about it.
06:10That never happened again.
06:12Um, except for a couple weeks later.
06:16One other time, I guess.
06:22Hey, how was the date?
06:23The date was awesome, but that Cuban place was so loud and there was cigar smoke everywhere.
06:28I feel like I'm getting a migraine or something.
06:30I just...
06:32Brian!
06:34Brian!
06:35Oh, thank God.
06:36Are you okay?
06:37Yeah, I'm good, man.
06:38Just, uh, just give it a little space, okay?
06:41What?
06:41What?
06:42You got diaper cream in your ears?
06:43I said, back up, baby.
06:45Why are you talking like Scarface?
06:47I...
06:47I don't know, man.
06:49I just open my mouth and this is the voice that comes out, you know?
06:52And when I open my mouth, blood comes out.
06:56Okay, again, Chris, that's not funny.
06:58What Brian's doing is funny.
07:00When we pass on an idea, you really need to move on.
07:10I'm starting to get a little hungry.
07:12Do you think you could get like an English muffin or something?
07:15I really like the nooks and crannies, man.
07:17So what you think, doc?
07:19How come I wake up sounding like this?
07:21Well, it's unusual, but this is a very real thing.
07:23Google it.
07:24It's called foreign accent syndrome.
07:26It's usually brought on by some kind of trauma to the brain.
07:29I'm guessing that migraine scrambled you all up.
07:31So this is like an actual disorder?
07:34Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes.
07:36They had on this English lady that woke up sounding Chinese.
07:39But everyone gets all pissed if I do it.
07:42You know, I wonder if you sound that way
07:43because you were around all those Cuban people at the club.
07:46Oye, Stewie, Carmen says she's gonna come by the hospital.
07:49She can't hear me sound like this.
07:51She's gonna think I'm making fun of her.
07:53All right, just relax.
07:54Maybe we can...
07:55Brian, how are you doing?
07:57I came as soon as I heard.
08:00Sorry, he's not talking yet.
08:01Oh, my poor little guy.
08:04You don't need to say a word.
08:06You just relax.
08:07Doctor?
08:08What?
08:09Do you think it's worth checking him for, like,
08:11a stroke or brain cancer?
08:13Come on, man.
08:14It's 4.45.
08:19So you'll never guess what the guys had to say
08:21about Clay and Crystal.
08:22Apparently, they're like major swingers.
08:25What?
08:25No.
08:27That's ridiculous.
08:28Seriously, all three of them said they tried stuff with him.
08:31Well, now this is weird.
08:32We're seeing them again tomorrow night.
08:34I mean, do we cancel?
08:36I don't think so.
08:38We had fun with them.
08:39Who cares what they do in their private lives?
08:42But what do we do if they try something with us?
08:45Well, obviously, we say no.
08:47Obviously, that's not us.
08:48Oh, we'd never do anything like that.
08:50We don't have to.
08:51What we have is great.
08:52The best.
08:53I mean, would it be nice to be asked?
08:56Sure.
08:56Sure, right.
08:57It'd be nice to know we're at least in the pool of consideration.
09:00Be great to be in the pool.
09:04I think I'm going to get a facial tomorrow.
09:06I mean, not because of this, but because I need one.
09:08Totally.
09:09And I got to buy deodorant.
09:10Not because it is, but because mine's all the way down to the plastic.
09:13Things like a cheese grater.
09:18You got a lot of nice things in this room.
09:20Purple octopus.
09:21I ain't never had no purple octopus.
09:24Time machine.
09:25Hey, what, you gonna impact the past or something, man?
09:27Disrupt the space-time continuum?
09:29All right, stop just riffing on things you see.
09:31Now, if you're going to continue seeing Carmen,
09:33we've got to try and get your speaking voice back.
09:35Try to repeat exactly what I say.
09:37It's really nice to see you again, Carmen.
09:40It's nice to be here with you, baby.
09:41You're gonna get humped like you wouldn't believe tonight.
09:44Okay, not quite there.
09:46So, Carmen, do you have any pets?
09:48I seen a mouse this one time.
09:50Thing was crazy, bro.
09:51Running all around with that little tail moving side to side.
09:54I thought that thing was going to bite me, man.
09:57Can you guys keep it down in here?
09:59Oh, sorry, we were just trying to...
10:00Yeah, I don't need to know why.
10:02I just need you to shut up.
10:03Hey, that's your flesh and blood, man.
10:05You don't talk to him like that.
10:07I'm sorry.
10:08Next time I hear you talk that way,
10:10I'm going to kick you so hard,
10:11your big ass is going to land in Saskatchewan.
10:14Mom, Brian said I have a big ass in a Scarface voice.
10:21Well, that was yet another fantastic evening with you two.
10:25Totally.
10:26Always love a little time with the griffs.
10:28So, uh, what, uh, what now?
10:31Do we keep a-going?
10:33Yeah, what's the, uh,
10:34what's the old game planarino?
10:37Oh.
10:37You know, I think I'm done for the night.
10:40Oh, come on.
10:41It's only nine o'clock.
10:43I mean, I'm up for a little fun.
10:45I know.
10:47Next time, I'm a little zonked, too.
10:50Uh, great to see you again, Peter.
10:51Oh, no, I think we've leveled up to hugs.
10:53Get in here, you.
10:55Okay.
10:56Uh, we'll see you guys again soon.
11:01Swing is my ass.
11:03Maybe they're just not into us.
11:05Uh, no.
11:06If anything, it's us that's not into them.
11:08Yeah, they'd be lucky to get us.
11:10But we're not that type of people.
11:12Ew, no.
11:13Like, what even is that life?
11:15Sad is what it is.
11:16Doing it in weird places.
11:18Just having sex with every couple they meet.
11:20Well, every couple except us.
11:23Except us.
11:26Why not us?
11:29Where are you going?
11:30They left their cornbread.
11:31Hopefully they didn't clear the table yet.
11:33Hold that door, please.
11:37All right, just try not to talk too much.
11:39You're going to get us beat up with that accent you're doing.
11:41It's so weird, man.
11:43In my mind, it sounds like I'm just talking regular.
11:45And outside, I end up sounding like some kind of big banana hen.
11:49Hot chocolate for brain?
11:51You say brain?
11:52Do you know anyone named brain?
11:55It's Brian.
11:56As in Dennehy, Cranston, and Cox.
11:59I'm sorry, sir.
12:01That guy's got matcha powder in his ears or something.
12:04A lot of stuff in people's ears today.
12:08Oh, crap, man.
12:10It's Carmen.
12:10I keep avoiding her calls.
12:12I don't want her to think I'm mocking her, do you know?
12:15Brian, you have to answer.
12:16She's going to think you're not into her anymore.
12:18Hello, Brian's phone.
12:19This is Miss Penny Apple, Brian's assistant.
12:22We dated for a little while, but we disclosed it to HR, so it was all above board.
12:26Anyway, I ended it after he got physical.
12:29Oh, that sounds lovely.
12:31He'll be there.
12:32Bye, dear.
12:33Well?
12:33Her cousin's getting married Saturday, and she wants to bring you as her date.
12:37What?
12:38Her whole family is going to think I'm making fun of their accents.
12:41There's no way I can go.
12:43She said Jenna Ortega's going to be there.
12:46Buenas noches.
12:48We'll be back with more Brian S. Muy Scambago after this.
12:58So what you think?
12:59How am I going to go to this wedding started like this?
13:02Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.
13:07Hey, mailman!
13:11No more putting the paper in a little slot in my house, eh?
13:15The sound wakes me up from my doggie naps!
13:24No, no, no, no, no, no!
13:29I'm not even the courier for your postal route.
13:31That's Laverne.
13:36Those people are absolute weirdos.
13:39They call themselves swingers?
13:40Two whole dinners and not even an elbow brush on the boob.
13:43Not that we would even do anything anyway.
13:45Of course not.
13:46I mean, not that any of this matters, because we're normal people.
13:50That being said, it would be nice to be asked.
13:52It would be nice to be freaking asked!
13:54Maybe they're waiting for a third night with us.
13:56What do you mean?
13:57Well, in the dating world, three dates usually mean sex is on the table.
14:01Oh, I see.
14:03So this is all just part of the dance, huh?
14:06They're trying to see if we are actually into them.
14:09Which we're not.
14:10No.
14:10Gotta be that.
14:11All right, I'm texting them.
14:13Now?
14:13Won't that look desperate?
14:15Desperate?
14:16They're the ones trying to swing with us.
14:18To which we'll promptly say no.
14:19Moment it happens, without hesitation, we shut it down.
14:22Shut it down.
14:23We're in.
14:24Dinner at their house tomorrow night.
14:26Oh, at their house.
14:27Could they be any more obvious about it?
14:30Yeah, be a little artful about it, guys.
14:37I can't believe you got me in this mess, man.
14:45I got like butterflies in my stomach.
14:46I can feel them all flopping around, you know?
14:49You have nothing to worry about.
14:51I've developed an AI voice modulator to match your natural speaking voice.
14:55Here, put this on.
14:56You think this thing's gonna work, man?
14:58I really don't want to upset Carmen.
15:00Oh, hey, wow, it's me again.
15:01Testing, one, two, three.
15:03I will break your freaking head open, man.
15:06Testing, one, two, three.
15:07Okay, great.
15:08It works.
15:08And I'll be in your ear the whole time in case anything goes wrong, so don't worry.
15:11It is nice to see you again, Carmen.
15:13I am enjoying your company tonight.
15:15Olive Garden's summer nights are back.
15:17Oh, wait.
15:18What the hell was that?
15:19Oh, yeah, the software has ads sometimes.
15:22Ads?
15:22What do you mean, ads?
15:23They want 13 bucks a month now for premium.
15:26Deal with it.
15:31Brian, there you are.
15:32I'd like you to meet my mother and father.
15:34Just play it cool.
15:35You got this.
15:36It's nice to meet you, Brian.
15:38Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Perez.
15:40What a beautiful night for a wedding.
15:42Carmen tells me you are a writer.
15:44I enjoy putting pen to paper and allowing my heart to do the rest.
15:48If you or someone you love has been injured in a work accident,
15:51it's time to call Feinstein and For Lizzie, PC.
15:54Thank you, Brian.
15:55I will keep this Feinstein in mind.
15:58Don't forget For Lizzie.
16:00See?
16:01I told you it would work.
16:02Thanks.
16:03I appreciate it.
16:04Ugh, Postmates guy forgot the ketchup.
16:06Hey, buddy, I think you forgot the ketchup.
16:08Oh, I'm sorry, man.
16:09I gotta go pick up my kid from camp.
16:11Well, tell him he's gonna be there for a bit.
16:13It's a job, dude.
16:14I don't know what to tell you.
16:20Did you take a Harry Potter patch off that blazer before you put it on?
16:24Yeah.
16:25Only thing is, they're not gonna know I'm a Ravenclaw.
16:27That should be fine, right?
16:28Hey, good to see you.
16:30We felt bad about how things ended the other night,
16:33so thought we could have a do-over.
16:34I'm a Ravenclaw, by the way.
16:36You guys look nice.
16:38You didn't have to get all dressed up.
16:40This is a sweatsuit from Target.
16:42A very sexy sweatsuit, I might add.
16:44Wow, great house.
16:46Are these the original hardwoods?
16:48I'm a huge hardwood guy.
16:50Know what I mean, Crystal?
16:51Oh, this is a big, comfy couch.
16:55What do you say we, I don't know, hang out,
16:57put on some Natalie Imbrug...
16:59Im...
17:00Imbrug...
17:00The chick who sings Torn.
17:03Ah, yeah.
17:04Yeah, maybe.
17:07Warm tonight, isn't it?
17:08Guys, what's going on here?
17:10You're acting really weird.
17:11Aren't...
17:12Aren't you guys swingers?
17:14We like to have fun, yeah,
17:15but we don't do it with everyone.
17:17Then...
17:17Then what?
17:18What's wrong with us?
17:20Don't take it so personally.
17:21Every pair of swingers has one flaccid friendship.
17:24Yeah, you know,
17:25just kind of a meat and potatoes couple
17:27you go bowling with once in a while.
17:29We just like hanging out with you guys as friends.
17:31I don't even know what you're talking about.
17:33We don't want to be anything more than friends with you guys.
17:36Maybe it's best we just call it a night.
17:38Please, I'll pay for it.
17:39How much to make it happen right now?
17:41Touch it!
17:42Oh, would you stop it already?
17:43They probably don't want us
17:44because you come off so desperate.
17:46Me? You're practically draping yourself all over them.
17:49Because I'm the candy here, Peter.
17:52If there's any chance of this happening,
17:53it's because of me.
17:54You're nothing.
17:55You hear me?
17:56Nothing.
18:07Well, we didn't swing,
18:09but we did have violent sex
18:11in front of another couple.
18:12There'll be a little asterisk in the record books,
18:14but it still kind of counts.
18:16The dog was barking at us the whole time.
18:25Stewie, what are you doing here?
18:26Oh, just wanted to check out the scene.
18:28Things seem to be going so well,
18:29I thought I'd ramp it up a notch.
18:31What do you mean?
18:34Everyone, Brian would like to say a few words
18:36to the bride and the groom.
18:38I'm sorry, what?
18:41Um, hello.
18:44Uh, first of all,
18:45I'd like to thank you for having me here.
18:47Back to school season is almost here at Macy's.
18:51What I mean to say is,
18:52you can save 15% on car insurance.
18:55At Home Depot, there's no job too big.
18:57Little problem, bride.
18:58I left the van open
18:59and there are squirrels everywhere.
19:01They're climbing all over the equipment
19:02and they got my nuggets.
19:04And now they're gnawing on the wires.
19:05Wait, Stewie,
19:07does that mean this thing don't work no more?
19:10Okay, enough of this, man.
19:11Yeah, I got a few things I'd like to say.
19:14How's everybody doing tonight, eh?
19:19This guy gonna hunt that chick real good tonight, man,
19:22I'll tell you that.
19:24Funny thing about immigrants, man,
19:26you're all like a bunch of dogs to me.
19:30Cheers to all the immigrant dogs here tonight.
19:33Oh, I almost forgot.
19:35Say hello to my little friend.
19:38Hey, I'm Stewie.
19:40What do you think you are doing?
19:42Coming here and doing some disgusting impersonation
19:45of my family.
19:46Hey, man, you don't understand.
19:48No, you don't understand.
19:50What do you think, big man?
19:52Do you think you got a bigger shirt color than me?
19:54Do you think your car's interior
19:55has a better animal print than mine?
19:57Do you think your crocodile boots
19:59have more lines between the crocodile parts than mine?
20:02Do you think you got more pineapples
20:04on your shirt than me?
20:05Let's count them.
20:06Let's have a little contest
20:07and see who the most pineapple-y guy is tonight.
20:10Everyone, throw your dinner rolls at him.
20:14Do you think you can take me?
20:16Hey, you're going to need an army to take me.
20:20Huh?
20:20I'm still standing, huh?
20:23I take your rolls.
20:32One of you boys going to teach me how to samba
20:34or do I need to figure out a new Saturday?
20:43Well, it's a good thing that crack on the head
20:44brought your voice back to normal.
20:46Yeah, but I'm bummed Carmen's never going to speak to me again.
20:49I really liked her.
20:50Yeah, I saw you dance at the wedding.
20:52You weren't going to make it in a Latin family.
20:54What's wrong with the way I dance?
20:55You want to see a video of it?
20:57Probably not, right?
20:58I wouldn't.
21:10You want to see a video of it?
21:29You're welcome.
21:29You're welcome.
21:31You want to see a video of it?
21:32Yeah!
21:35You want to see a video of it?
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