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00:14¡Gracias!
00:35Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse.
00:39Formerly the Bitcoin Center, formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion,
00:45formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall, formerly Captain Jerry's Slave Auctionarium.
00:49Yep, a lot of history here, folks.
00:51But this beloved landmark was about to close until a local woman without a job,
00:56who calls herself a community activist, decided to mount three plays to try to save it.
01:02Hello, everyone. As many of you know, I'm a community activist.
01:06Tonight, we'll be performing three plays to save this local treasure that none of us supported while it was open.
01:12But we can't let our fear of COVID shudder another business.
01:16Oh, crap! Everybody out! This isn't worth it!
01:19It's not COVID. I have black lung.
01:21Oh, thank God. I thought it was something that could affect the rest of us.
01:25So, without further ado, please enjoy our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird,
01:31a searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that, from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,
01:35no black person has ever been allowed to work on. Not one.
01:40Okay, let's do this. Places, everybody.
01:42As they say in the theater, breaking L3 vertebrae.
01:46I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.
01:49And listen, I don't want to make anybody nervous, but I just found out an agent is here, from Allstate.
01:54If we play this right, we're all going to get earthquake coverage.
02:01Ah, the 1930s. When the South was 90% porch.
02:06Mail for Fatica Cinch.
02:08Ah, yes. Thank you.
02:09Boy, I'm really schvitzing in this heat.
02:12Ah, okay. That'll be all, mailman.
02:14Screw you, putz. My pharmacy is sponsoring this play.
02:18Anyone who claps for me gets their Oxycontin prescription refilled, no questions asked.
02:26Not you two.
02:28Aw.
02:29The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into gods.
02:32Dad, some of the kids at school said you're defending a black man accused by a white woman.
02:37That's right, Scout. Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal counsel.
02:41And they also said, one time in court, you sat on your balls and fainted.
02:44Who the hell are these kids? They shouldn't be talking about that.
02:47Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother Jim?
02:50Here I am, Pop.
02:51Oop, everyone's already on their phones.
02:53I'm going to have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off.
02:57Oh, God, I do have to take this.
02:59Patti, hi.
03:00No, I can talk.
03:02Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy.
03:04Yeah, it was Left for Me in a Tree by Pooh Badly.
03:07Ah, Pooh Badly. A guy obsessed with children and AR-15s.
03:11He seems like someone I want to leave you alone with later in the play.
03:14All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene.
03:21Fun fact, that's the same tree from The Wizard of Oz that the Munchkin used to hang himself.
03:26What part of that is fun?
03:29Munchkin?
03:32That black man violated me and besmirched my virtue.
03:36Cleveland, how could you?
03:37You're supposed to be on my side, and my character's name is Tom.
03:41Can't believe I missed a raw bass concert for this, and I'm his biggest fan.
03:46Hey, yo, Co-Hog, how many does it take to make a thing go right?
03:50Hey, wait, where's Cleveland?
03:52Faticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor.
03:54Now, if I may begin.
03:55Hello to the all-white jury, the all-white gallery, and the very rickety segregated balcony.
04:00Are you sure this balcony is safe?
04:03Of course you're safe.
04:04You think a guy like me roots for people to fall and have horrible spinal injuries?
04:09Especially when my murder ball team needs four new players for regionals.
04:12What size jerseys are you guys?
04:14I mean, you're safe.
04:15Totally safe.
04:16Now, Miss Yule, you said my client assaulted you, but you have a history of telling falsehoods,
04:21do you not?
04:22No, Mr. Inch.
04:23I have always told the truth.
04:25Is that right?
04:25And when you worked at West Elm, did you or did you not tell me that fake leather chairs
04:30look just as good as the real thing?
04:32Well, so what if I did?
04:34You know there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West Elm chairs.
04:37Objection, Your Honor.
04:38She's trying to sell the jury terrible furniture.
04:40Sustained.
04:41Yes, and now that we've established that, you said my client gave you a black eye with
04:46his right hand.
04:46But that's impossible, isn't it?
04:48Because everyone knows that for the last two weeks, he's been stuck in a Chinese finger
04:52trap.
04:53That's you.
04:55Forgive me, Your Honor.
04:56Me played joke.
04:57It's the 1930s, so I can say that.
04:59I'll allow it.
05:00And isn't it also true that your father has a history of abusing you and also has the
05:04strongest right arm in town?
05:06That's outrageous.
05:07I'm so mad I'm going to punch my daughter tonight.
05:10I mean, I mean someone else's daughter.
05:12I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports.
05:16Ah, damn it.
05:16He saved it.
05:17God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.
05:19Our society is blinded by prejudice.
05:22Oh, that's so deep.
05:23Nice armchair activism.
05:25Are you a mockingbird?
05:26Are you a mockingbird?
05:28That's how you sound, dude.
05:29Leave me alone.
05:29Fat Snoopy says what?
05:30What, you little jerk?
05:31How dare you call me that?
05:33What are you going to do?
05:33You're not going to do anything.
05:34Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.
05:37You know, this story is actually pretty good.
05:39Now I regret banning it.
05:41And that is why I am confident that you will find my client not guilty.
05:45Don't worry.
05:46We got this in the bag.
05:47We find the black guy guilty.
05:49Ah, nuts.
05:50So are they going to kill me now?
05:52Yeah, but it'll be offstage.
05:53This play about racism is about how it affects white people.
05:57All right, we're done here.
05:58Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark?
06:01Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.
06:03And remember, there's no streetlights because the rural South still doesn't have electricity
06:07in this time period, which is underratedly shocking.
06:09It was basically North Korea.
06:11What a horrible injustice.
06:13God, this country is racist.
06:15Oh, yeah?
06:15I looked up your Instagram.
06:17You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words.
06:20That's it.
06:20I'm going to kill a mockingbird.
06:23I can't believe our son is in a play.
06:25In a play?
06:26He's in a scene where they said the title.
06:29All right, Scout and Gem are walking home.
06:31Prepare the nighttime set.
06:35It's the Mac Tonight Moon from the McDonald's ads.
06:39Created to increase dinner business.
06:43I really like that moon.
06:45Hey, crazy idea.
06:47You want to go to McDonald's after like 5 p.m.?
06:49There you kids are.
06:50I'm mad at your dad, so I'm going to stab you to get back at him.
06:53And I'm confident that no lunatic will coincidentally show up to stop me because that would be very bad writing.
06:59Get away from those kids.
07:01Who badly?
07:01The scary recluse?
07:03That's right.
07:04There was never any reason to be afraid of me.
07:06And to prove it, I'm going to murder this guy.
07:09Ah!
07:10Stop!
07:10Ah!
07:11This isn't what we blocked.
07:12Damn it, Chris.
07:13You said you took stage combat.
07:14Oof!
07:15Wow.
07:16Thank you for saving us.
07:17No problem.
07:19So let's sum up the messages of this award-winning play.
07:22It's good for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man follow her around.
07:26And women who accuse men of sexual assault are liars.
07:30I did it.
07:31I killed a mockingbird.
07:32No!
07:34Honey, honey.
07:34He's acting.
07:37Grrrr.
07:39He's good.
07:48God, did you guys read everyone's bios?
07:51Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams in American Hustle.
07:55Yeah, right.
07:56What a lying hag.
07:57Yeah, look at this.
07:58Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler.
08:01You never studied with Stella Adler.
08:03I can still thank her, Brian.
08:04I can still be grateful.
08:06Hey, guys.
08:06Big news.
08:07I just found out a manager is here.
08:09From Panera.
08:10We nailed this.
08:11We're all going to get free bread bowls.
08:13I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements.
08:17And now for our next play.
08:19In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon posed a question.
08:24What if Broadway could be more Jewish?
08:26Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.
08:32What a great day to be the last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.
08:39Hi, Oscar.
08:41Sorry to bother you, but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me out.
08:44Oh, that's too bad, Felix.
08:46Did she take the Nintendo Switch?
08:47No, I grabbed it.
08:48Come on in.
08:49Oh, good.
08:50I was scared to ask because we're so different.
08:52I mean, two white guys with slightly different standards of neatness sharing the same apartment?
08:57And even though we both have solid careers in an era of famously depressed New York real estate,
09:02it makes sense we should split rent.
09:04So that'll be $40.
09:05What?
09:06Yep, three months up front.
09:11All right, let's play some 1960s cigar-chewy pulling-on-suspenders poker.
09:17Oh, no, I just cleaned.
09:19Whoops.
09:20Oh, man, different standards of neatness.
09:23This is definitely a play, movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy.
09:27Hmm, I don't know.
09:28Shouldn't a fastidious one be the person who originally has the apartment,
09:32not the person coming to stay there?
09:34Who cares if their guest is neat?
09:36Yeah, don't poke holes in the premise.
09:38I miss Rob Bass for this.
09:40And he was touring with Tone Loke.
09:42What's up, Carl?
09:43Now tell me something.
09:44Do you like your Medina not funky and hot?
09:47No!
09:48My favorite part is the pre-song banter.
09:51Well, time to read one of the 18 newspapers we have here in New York.
09:55Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget how to spell the word assassinated.
10:00Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?
10:03As much as I love killing babies, I'm happy to be right here in New York City.
10:08Plus, if we were over there, who's going to spit on the soldiers when they get back?
10:12Hang on, guys.
10:13I want to turn on the radio for the ballgame so it surprises us later in the play.
10:17And what else is going on?
10:18Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault?
10:21That was the last play.
10:23Speaking of which, are you guys ever going to get us down?
10:26Uh, we're working on it, Donna.
10:27Well, that's not good enough.
10:29Let me handle this.
10:30As a cop, I've had a lot of experience stonewalling upset women.
10:33I'll just mam her till she stops.
10:36Ma'am?
10:37Don't you mam me.
10:38Don't you use that cop trick.
10:40You think I'm going away?
10:41I'm not going away.
10:42You will get us down from here.
10:44You will give me answers, and if you don't, I will find your superior and I will get answers
10:48for him because I am not going to be ignored.
10:52I want to get down.
10:57Good news, the Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight.
11:01They're almost 23, which means they're desperate to get married.
11:04And like all women of this era, I hear the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests.
11:09Peter, my dad is in the audience.
11:11All right, please stay on book.
11:12Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.
11:15Oh, is this because I only have one rubber from the army for the two of us to split?
11:19It's got some miles on it, though, so you might want to use a shoelace to tie it down.
11:23I'm sorry, Glenn.
11:24I don't think this is for me.
11:26Damn it, Peter.
11:27None of this is in the play.
11:29But I'll give dating a shot.
11:31Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up.
11:33Peter, did you go in the prop toilet?
11:36Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet.
11:39Oh, boy, that's a biggie.
11:41Will Assistant Stage Manager Meg Griffin please come to stage right?
11:44Then bring the grill tongs.
12:15Welcome, ladies.
12:45I'm sorry, ladies.
12:46That's one small step for man.
12:49God, this is so boring.
12:50I'm changing the channel.
12:52Ah, here we go.
12:54The dating game.
12:55We're all going to remember where we were when we saw this.
12:58Hey, put the rubber on the radiator.
13:00Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.
13:02So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.
13:05Uh, that's right.
13:07And Oscar is a sports writer.
13:09Writers in two totally different departments.
13:12On the same floor, but still.
13:14Uh, listen, you're very beautiful,
13:16but so is the woman who just broke my heart.
13:19So I can't in good conscience...
13:20You know what?
13:21This is a stupid play.
13:22No single guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex,
13:25especially in the 60s.
13:26Come on, girls.
13:27We're going to my room.
13:28There you go, Felix.
13:30Now you're getting the hang of it.
13:31Wait a minute.
13:32That's my wife.
13:33It's our characters having sex, Peter, not us.
13:35Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?
13:37Yeah, we women love that.
13:46So you're really kicking me out, huh?
13:48Yeah, get lost, pal.
13:49I already found a better New York roommate.
13:51Well, I'm out.
13:54Boo, this sucks.
13:56Oh, don't heckle, Kramer.
13:58Well, that guy over there is a...
14:02Ah, well, that's fitting, I guess.
14:05Okay, I've got a medium and an XL murder ball jersey.
14:08Who's not feeling anything from the waist down?
14:16All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening,
14:20William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
14:22There's something rotten in Denmark.
14:25That's Peter's fault.
14:26The grill tongs just broke it in half.
14:28We're dealing with it.
14:33Good morrow, dear mother.
14:35Thou wanted to see us, me, on this fine day in Denmark.
14:39And that ball's gone!
14:41Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle!
14:44Sorry, that was from the last play.
14:45Sorry.
14:46Look, I called you in here because I have bad news.
14:49Your father, the king, is dead.
14:52Well, that's quite tragic, but I see no reason to descend into madness,
14:56as long as Al doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to.
15:00So I married his brother, Claudius.
15:03Thou hast...
15:05Whaaaaat?
15:05Hey there, new stepson.
15:07Sorry I'm late.
15:07I was dealing with some of those jokers from Norway.
15:10Norway's our rival.
15:11Listen, I know things are a little awkward,
15:13but remember, I'm still the same uncle you've always known,
15:16except now I'm having sex with your mom.
15:18And Mantle is coming out to tip his cap to the fans!
15:22Sorry, second radio.
15:27Ah, Lady Archers pulling on their bows with their overly developed triceps.
15:32Hi, there's the rub.
15:35Classy masturbation joke, son.
15:37Dad?
15:37But you died.
15:39That means you're a g-g-g-g-g-ghost!
15:42Yeah, but calm down.
15:43This is Shakespeare, not Scooby-Doo.
15:44So what are you doing here?
15:46Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death.
15:48But first, since I'm a ghost...
16:01A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft.
16:04So you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death?
16:07Oh, right.
16:08Son, my death was no accident.
16:10I was killed by my brother, Claudius.
16:13What?
16:13Everyone said your death was your own fault.
16:15That you ate pool chemicals to not get COVID.
16:18Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan.
16:21But that's not how I died.
16:22Claudius killed me, and I need you to avenge me.
16:25You got it, Dad.
16:27Great.
16:27Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress that I need you to throw away.
16:31Do that part first.
16:32Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing.
16:35So when a guy named Ivar shows up, you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.
16:39A hundred?
16:40I don't even have that many.
16:41Well, you better, by the time Ivar comes.
16:43He's 5'7", which is enormous for our time.
16:46Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves.
16:49Oh, for God's sake, this is like so many things.
16:52No, it's not, I promise.
16:53Just focus on the important stuff, okay?
16:55So again, it's etching of Beowulf.
16:57That's the biggie.
16:58Gotta get rid of it.
16:58Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves, and time permitting, revenge.
17:04Greetings, fair Hamlet.
17:06It is I, the King's Counselor, Polonius.
17:09Are you okay?
17:10You look like you're going mad.
17:11Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.
17:13Also, I took a lot of fentanyl, but I'm pretty sure it's the news part.
17:17Ah, well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow,
17:20and I heard you're now the Castle Eaves guy.
17:23Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?
17:27Oh, you dick.
17:29This is why we need sword control.
17:31I don't know.
17:32I think the play is pretty clear that my problem is mental health.
17:39Now, I'm supposed to give the to be or not to be speech,
17:41but I couldn't remember it.
17:44So, this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.
17:49Great moments are born from great opportunity.
17:52And that's what you have tonight, boys.
17:53That's what you've earned here tonight.
17:56One game.
17:57If we played them 12 times, they might win 11.
18:00But not this game.
18:02Not this 12th night.
18:04Tonight, we skate with them.
18:06Tonight, we stay with them.
18:09And we shut them down because we can.
18:12Tonight, we few.
18:14We happy few.
18:15We band of stinky American college students
18:19are the greatest hockey team in the world.
18:22I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have.
18:27Screw them.
18:28This is your time.
18:29Now go out there and take it.
18:32Woo!
18:33Yeah!
18:34USA!
18:36USA!
18:37USA!
18:40USA!
18:41USA!
18:42USA!
18:43USA!
18:43USA!
18:43All right, Laertes, I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me
18:46and also doing lazy movie references.
18:48So I need your help.
18:49Wait, that's your costume?
18:51They ran out of Shakespeare stuff, and I didn't know what to do.
18:55Sorry.
18:55It's been a frustrating day.
18:57I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot made a surprise appearance.
19:00Who out there likes big butts?
19:02Hey, we're Squagmire.
19:04Sorry, Cleveland.
19:05I'm kind of the leader of that fan club.
19:07Have either of you seen my phone?
19:09I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid.
19:11Okay, it's obvious things are going off the rails,
19:14so we're going to skip ahead to the end.
19:15Uh, Claudius decides to kill Hamlet.
19:18There's a lot of scheming, a girl throws herself in the lake.
19:21Oh, oh, and I find a very disturbing picture of Beowulf
19:25and three other guys under my husband's mattress.
19:28You said it was just Beowulf.
19:30It doesn't matter.
19:30I said to get rid of it.
19:33En garde!
19:38What the hell?
19:39You said you took stage combat.
19:41Yeah, on Zoom.
19:45Well, that was easy.
19:46Say your prayers, Hamlet.
19:48I'm going to kill you,
19:49and then I'm going to the ice rink
19:50to watch that great Soviet hockey team.
19:52I am sick and tired of hearing about
19:55what a great hockey team the Soviets have!
19:58Audience, do you believe in miracles?
20:04USA! USA!
20:06Great job, son.
20:07Now let's drag him behind the castle
20:09and violate his corpse.
20:11Hamlet.
20:17Let's give it up for the Quahog players.
20:34We did it, Peter.
20:36We saved the playhouse.
20:37We sure did, Lois.
20:39But the truth is,
20:41it wasn't our plays that saved this place.
20:43It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert
20:46over-the-pants handiwork in theaters.
20:48What was once a boring night out
20:49became a celebration
20:50as men decorated the inside of their pants
20:53and then fell asleep
20:54while women got left alone
20:55to watch whatever the hell was on stage
20:57that they wanted to see.
20:58Everyone was happy.
21:00Aye,
21:01there truly is the rub.
21:33We'll see you next time.
21:33Let's do it.
21:34Thank you.
21:35Thank you.
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