Abolish Everything! Season 2 Episode 9

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Transcript

00:00:06my friends it all comes down to this the latest era of our radical movement has

00:00:12come to a head the passionate monologues from heroic abolitionists the scurrilous

00:00:17rebuttals from establishment stooges the rallying cries from the masses in the

00:00:22gallery and Josh Nassar's ill-conceived character bits tonight it all comes

00:00:28together for a jam-packed double-length evening of spirited debate as every

00:00:33winning abolitionist from this season returns to abolish one last thing except

00:00:38Sabrina and Joe who had scheduling conflicts they could not abolish but

00:00:43everyone else is here fighting to be this season's victor among victors because

00:00:46this is the abolish everything world championship

00:01:01tonight's returning champions alex crocus macy gilliam martin urbano jason seagull chin a

00:01:14ikaro ben doyle and martin herlake

00:01:24thank you so much for watching the second abolish everything world championship i'm your host

00:01:30chandler d tonight we are bringing back triumphant abolitionists from throughout

00:01:38the season to abolish one last thing and tonight's winner will be immortalized for

00:01:43the rest of time on the mave dunnigan memorial wall she is alive before we begin i am ashamed and

00:01:53disgusted yet required by our twisted system to introduce the political establishment

00:02:01jamie lynn watson josh nasser brielle demurgeon and chief justice of the political establishment andy vega

00:02:15look at these people this recurring cast is like if there was another tier of comedy below mad tv

00:02:23i am out of competition but i will be delivering this evening's first testimony for the last time

00:02:27this season are you ready to abolish everything

00:02:33then without further ado my time starts now my friends when i travel and i pay money for a place

00:02:40to stay i love it when nothing horrible happens with this in mind we need to abolish airbnb

00:02:51what am i doing in your house i don't know you airbnb is a service built upon three premises premise

00:03:01number one there are not enough landlords as it is airbnb thinks everyone can be a landlord rent

00:03:09out the smallest room in your apartment and call it a cozy alcove just south of west village

00:03:16motherfucker that is a drawer

00:03:20and it is in staten island

00:03:24premise number two i guess we've all forgotten that hotels exist

00:03:28at some point we got duped into ditching comfortable well-staffed establishments in favor of crashing in a

00:03:35stranger's bungalow and choosing to believe there aren't hidden cameras in the bathroom

00:03:40even though there are absolutely

00:03:43hidden cameras in the bathroom

00:03:47in a hotel you get to watch cable like a billionaire

00:03:51in an airbnb

00:03:53you have to suffer the indignity of logging into your own streaming services

00:03:58and if you don't log out then one day your hulu homepage will mysteriously go from this

00:04:04to this

00:04:08who is guest

00:04:10the only upside to the tvs at an airbnb is you better believe i'm downloading nebula on every single one

00:04:17of those babies

00:04:21and watching my own show on infinite repeats

00:04:26that is what you call a ratings bonanza

00:04:31finally premise number three

00:04:34just because you booked an airbnb

00:04:36you should not have the audacity to assume you will get to sleep in that airbnb

00:04:41my friends i had a nightmare experience with airbnb six days ago

00:04:48i was staying in an apartment with my wife and a couple friends when someone started banging on the door

00:04:54i go to answer and i am confronted by not one not two but 15 of the largest teenagers i

00:05:03have ever seen

00:05:04this is a visual representation

00:05:09the massive teens show me

00:05:12a whatsapp message

00:05:13with the exact

00:05:15gate code

00:05:16door code

00:05:17and key code

00:05:18of our airbnb

00:05:20some scammer has double booked the place

00:05:23now i figure not to worry

00:05:25i will simply reason with the 15 large teenagers

00:05:28and after all we're all victims here

00:05:31this is only happening because airbnb has created a system

00:05:34where some modern day slumlord

00:05:36is running dozens of millennial gray tenements from afar

00:05:40with such abysmal security

00:05:42that somehow

00:05:43we all ended up having the same passcodes

00:05:46it's not about whether my group or the 15 enormous teens get the airbnb

00:05:51it's about the fact that they're profiting from us fighting over the scraps

00:05:55and we shouldn't take it anymore

00:05:58i express this and the gentleman in front of me responds with his foot propping open the door

00:06:05listen

00:06:07we paid for the place

00:06:08we've all got money on this you know what i'm saying

00:06:11so what are we gonna do

00:06:13i stand tall

00:06:15i look back at my wife and friends

00:06:17i look this guy right in the eye

00:06:19and i tell him

00:06:20we will be leaving immediately

00:06:24enjoy the airbnb

00:06:27abolish airbnb

00:06:28submit feedback

00:06:34the political establishment will have time to rebut me

00:06:37and their time starts now

00:06:38how lucky you are to afford travel

00:06:43an apartment with your wife and friends

00:06:46okay hot

00:06:49those are just two comments i had

00:06:53i guess i am excited about this for you

00:06:55not for all of us

00:06:56because i love that picture of you on the toilet

00:06:58sure

00:06:59well and speaking on that

00:07:02you know andy's favorite saying

00:07:04that he always says to me

00:07:05is hidden cameras are a natural part of life

00:07:08and you're a bitch if you're mad at me for it

00:07:10i andy does run several dozen airbnbs

00:07:14and i believe he lists that as a feature

00:07:16uh the hidden cameras in the bathroom

00:07:18people pay a lot of money to know that i watch that

00:07:20please

00:07:22watch out

00:07:23and thank you for shouting out 15 teenagers in an airbnb

00:07:27which is josh's favorite internet movie

00:07:35um excuse me

00:07:37can i say something

00:07:39please

00:07:39whoa

00:07:40i am not into 15 teenagers

00:07:42i am a normal guy

00:07:46josh all season you've done

00:07:48some of the most insane character bits

00:07:50that i've ever seen

00:07:51and so am i to believe that you're normal now

00:07:54i'm normal this episode

00:07:57well we can't abolish airbnb

00:07:59it's a cheaper option than hotels sometimes

00:08:03do you care about working class americans

00:08:09so you're really gonna do this

00:08:11you're gonna just make

00:08:12i don't like it

00:08:13the simplest version of the argument

00:08:15straightforward

00:08:16chandler

00:08:19can you go back to the screen with hulu on it

00:08:24i love hulu

00:08:31thank you for that excellent point

00:08:34my normal debate partner

00:08:37chandler

00:08:38yes

00:08:39you got scammed

00:08:41yes

00:08:41and i know that's scary

00:08:43it's hard because it makes your penis feel small

00:08:47and it makes your brain feel bad

00:08:49but we don't have to abolish an entire company

00:08:52just because you got scammed

00:08:54and i want to hold your hand as i say this

00:08:58chandler

00:08:59chandler give me your hand

00:09:00i don't know about this

00:09:02chandler

00:09:03chandler

00:09:04you're still a big strong man

00:09:05chandler

00:09:08chandler

00:09:08you're still valuable and smart and good

00:09:12and it's okay that teenagers won this time

00:09:15but

00:09:17you don't have to do this

00:09:19and chandler

00:09:21might i say

00:09:25it's perfectly normal to have a small penis

00:09:32are you ready for your first abolitionist of the night

00:09:37this abolitionist previously abolished cover letters

00:09:41please welcome

00:09:42alex crocus

00:09:53friends

00:09:54i'm gonna cut to the chase

00:09:56uh we gotta abolish

00:09:59whistling in public

00:10:01i'm over it

00:10:03it's time

00:10:04that we face the truth

00:10:06movies

00:10:07commercials

00:10:08and turn of the century comic strips

00:10:10have brainwashed us into thinking

00:10:13it's

00:10:13normal

00:10:14to whistle in public

00:10:18so first

00:10:19let's address the lie

00:10:21who whistles in media

00:10:23who

00:10:24does the media want us to think

00:10:27whistles in public

00:10:28first

00:10:28happy people

00:10:31not real

00:10:33nobody's happy

00:10:35if you were truly happy

00:10:36you wouldn't be at a basement

00:10:38powerpoint comedy show

00:10:40or

00:10:41watching this in your basement at home

00:10:45and even if you were happy

00:10:47you wouldn't whistle

00:10:49you would just say something normal like

00:10:52i'm not gonna do it today

00:10:56second

00:10:57people with a pep in their step

00:11:01and a song in their heart

00:11:04this also

00:11:05isn't real

00:11:07with historically one exceptional group

00:11:11i'm talking about tramps

00:11:14vagabonds

00:11:15and lovable hobos

00:11:16they can whistle all they want

00:11:18but

00:11:19if you don't have a bindle stiff

00:11:21or a charmingly ragged stovepipe hat

00:11:25knock it off

00:11:26and the third kind of person

00:11:28who publicly whistles in media is

00:11:31say it with me

00:11:34horny people

00:11:35in cartoons

00:11:37horny people whistle

00:11:39their eyes

00:11:40turn into hearts

00:11:42and they smash themselves in the head with a hammer

00:11:45in real life sadly

00:11:48they stop

00:11:49before the hammer part

00:11:51so who

00:11:52actually

00:11:54whistles in public

00:11:55first

00:11:56nervous people

00:11:58it always feels like they're up to something

00:12:02it's nerve-wracking

00:12:04it's like they're making their discomfort

00:12:06our problem

00:12:07they're often not even whistling a melody

00:12:10it's just

00:12:11random noises

00:12:12one after another

00:12:13filling the air with anxiety

00:12:16you see

00:12:17they think they're being cute

00:12:18they think they're being adorable

00:12:20but

00:12:20they're not

00:12:21second

00:12:23arrogant people

00:12:26arrogant people who are

00:12:27actually good at it

00:12:29and they need you to know

00:12:30this kind of behavior

00:12:32is only acceptable

00:12:33in talent shows

00:12:34where everyone is being

00:12:36equally unbearable

00:12:39and lastly

00:12:40the third person

00:12:42is

00:12:44horny people again

00:12:47like steam escaping a kettle

00:12:49they just can't help it

00:12:52this

00:12:52is the only demographic of whistlers

00:12:55accurately depicted in the media

00:12:57and honestly

00:12:57if they did follow it up

00:12:59with the cartoon hammer

00:13:00problem solved

00:13:03here's my three strike plan

00:13:05for those

00:13:06who get caught in the act

00:13:08first offense

00:13:09everyone with an earshot

00:13:12turns around and says

00:13:13really?

00:13:15no

00:13:16really?

00:13:18cut that shit out!

00:13:20is an acceptable option as well

00:13:22I grew up with a catholic mom

00:13:23and a jewish dad

00:13:25and let me tell you

00:13:26shame

00:13:27really gets the job done

00:13:29it gets results

00:13:31second offense

00:13:32collective booing

00:13:34similar shame-centric approach

00:13:38you've seen stand-up

00:13:39you've been in this audience before

00:13:41this shit usually works

00:13:43third offense

00:13:45we hand them an oversized wooden hammer

00:13:48and we don't leave

00:13:50until they finish the job

00:13:52thank you everyone

00:13:55so

00:13:56this is the world

00:13:57that I'm fighting for

00:13:59a future

00:14:00where

00:14:01cartoon horniness

00:14:02is punished the way

00:14:03it should be

00:14:04with cartoon violence

00:14:06and whistling rights

00:14:08are returned

00:14:09to their rightful owners

00:14:11America's proud

00:14:12raggedy

00:14:13train-hopping

00:14:14tramps

00:14:15vagabonds

00:14:16and lovable hobos

00:14:18that's all folks

00:14:21abolish whistling

00:14:22in public

00:14:28Alex I fear you have

00:14:29a very

00:14:30old school idea

00:14:31of what catcalling

00:14:32looks like

00:14:33in modern times

00:14:34I'm not

00:14:35whistled at

00:14:35so much

00:14:36as followed

00:14:37and yelled at

00:14:38that if I don't

00:14:39get with that person

00:14:40I'm a dick-nosed bitch

00:14:42yeah but

00:14:43wouldn't you prefer

00:14:44to have that

00:14:45over being

00:14:46whistled at

00:14:49that's

00:14:49it's so

00:14:50shrill and annoying

00:14:52you

00:14:52people should use

00:14:53their words

00:14:54right

00:14:54use their words

00:14:55can I tell you

00:14:56how charming it would be

00:14:57if I'm walking down

00:14:58the street

00:14:58and I always go

00:14:59to the other side

00:15:00of the street

00:15:00there's a large group

00:15:00of men on the side

00:15:01that I'm walking on

00:15:02but I would stay there

00:15:03if they were like

00:15:04woo woo

00:15:05I'd be like

00:15:05yeah bitch

00:15:06I'd flip up my skirt

00:15:07I'd do a little

00:15:07twirl for them

00:15:09if they whistled at you

00:15:11wouldn't you just think

00:15:12that like

00:15:12they're like

00:15:13nervous about something

00:15:14and they're like

00:15:15suppressing how they're feeling

00:15:17and then that makes

00:15:18you feel nervous

00:15:19and it's like

00:15:19it just

00:15:20it's awkward

00:15:20oh thank you

00:15:21continue telling a woman

00:15:22how she should feel

00:15:22thank you so much

00:15:23I will

00:15:24because I think

00:15:24I'm right

00:15:25am I right fellas

00:15:27come on

00:15:28come on

00:15:29fellas

00:15:30excuse me

00:15:31Alex

00:15:32yes

00:15:33yes

00:15:33the man who likes

00:15:35the children

00:15:37no no

00:15:37I am a normal guy

00:15:39oh

00:15:40I'm sorry

00:15:41sorry

00:15:41I forgot the voice

00:15:42is different

00:15:42Alex

00:15:44first of all

00:15:46the only dick-nosed

00:15:47bitch I care about

00:15:48is Squidward

00:15:57second

00:16:00perhaps I want to

00:16:01whistle my favorite

00:16:02tune while I walk

00:16:03down the street

00:16:04while I do that

00:16:05people go

00:16:06oh what a normal

00:16:07guy whistling

00:16:11just curious

00:16:12have you ever

00:16:13gotten that reaction

00:16:14when you started

00:16:16whistling

00:16:16around people

00:16:17of course

00:16:18I whistle the

00:16:19Auld Lang Syne

00:16:20and everyone

00:16:22smile

00:16:24and what time

00:16:25of year did you

00:16:26sing this little song

00:16:27in East

00:16:28oh Christmas

00:16:29I'm normal

00:16:30yes yes

00:16:31I do want to speak

00:16:32since Weird Josh

00:16:33isn't here

00:16:34I'm sure he would

00:16:35say so what

00:16:35I can no longer

00:16:36catcall anime

00:16:37milfs

00:16:40well

00:16:41listen

00:16:42whoa

00:16:43no no

00:16:43that's not about

00:16:44you

00:16:44that's not about

00:16:45you

00:16:45pardon me

00:16:47what a strange

00:16:48thing you've said

00:16:51you

00:16:51you can

00:16:53catcall

00:16:54anime

00:16:54milfs

00:16:55to your heart's

00:16:56content

00:16:56in the comfort

00:16:58of your own home

00:16:59look

00:17:00what I want to say

00:17:02is at the end

00:17:02of the day

00:17:03my tits are really

00:17:04out tonight

00:17:09thank you

00:17:10yes

00:17:10thank you

00:17:11don't

00:17:13yeah okay

00:17:13normal Josh

00:17:14yes

00:17:14normal Josh

00:17:15wouldn't say

00:17:16anything about that

00:17:20normal Josh

00:17:21would be quiet

00:17:22yes

00:17:23yes

00:17:23oh sorry

00:17:24queen

00:17:25sorry

00:17:27my point is

00:17:28that my tits

00:17:29are out right now

00:17:29so no one really

00:17:31noticed that I have

00:17:32glasses now

00:17:32because I'm smart

00:17:34and they make

00:17:35an amazing headband

00:17:37and I can do

00:17:38awesome stuff like

00:17:39this

00:17:39like

00:17:42ultimately

00:17:44if there's no more

00:17:45whistling from

00:17:46horny guys

00:17:46how will I know

00:17:47when to say

00:17:48yo-hoo boys

00:17:49on the street

00:17:51um

00:17:52I

00:17:53see your concern

00:17:54Professor Watson

00:17:55yes

00:17:56um

00:17:56but

00:17:58in place

00:17:59of whistling

00:18:00may I suggest

00:18:02um

00:18:02the English language

00:18:05I don't know

00:18:06I'm actively

00:18:06going through

00:18:07a UTI

00:18:07right now

00:18:08so English

00:18:08words are kind

00:18:09of all scrambled

00:18:10in my head

00:18:10at the moment

00:18:10but there's

00:18:12like no whistle

00:18:13that can say

00:18:14uh

00:18:15yo baby

00:18:16that's a

00:18:17hot UTI

00:18:18you've got

00:18:19going on there

00:18:20and that's time

00:18:24our next abolitionist

00:18:26previously abolished

00:18:27texting her

00:18:28just hi

00:18:29please welcome

00:18:29Macy Gilliam

00:18:39what if there was

00:18:43a single place

00:18:44that you could go

00:18:45to learn about

00:18:46and experience

00:18:47the vibrant

00:18:48subcultures

00:18:49of dentistry

00:18:51produce

00:18:52boats

00:18:53textile fabric

00:18:54sourcing

00:18:55a half marathon

00:18:56dog breeds

00:18:57toy making

00:18:58and luxury packaging

00:19:01friends

00:19:03there is such a place

00:19:05there is such a beautiful

00:19:06physical place

00:19:07right here

00:19:08in New York City

00:19:08where you can go

00:19:10to learn about

00:19:10these niche industries

00:19:11and the freaks

00:19:13that are into them

00:19:14but they don't want

00:19:15you to go

00:19:16that's why today

00:19:17I say

00:19:18abolish there not

00:19:19being a season pass

00:19:20to the Javits Center

00:19:31convention centers

00:19:32are like

00:19:33what if there was

00:19:33a Wikipedia rabbit hole

00:19:35you could walk

00:19:35through in person

00:19:38every trade show

00:19:39is just a thousand

00:19:40booths

00:19:41of the most

00:19:42specialized

00:19:42mundane

00:19:43niche

00:19:43industry

00:19:44thing

00:19:45and then

00:19:46someone selling

00:19:46CBD

00:19:46and someone

00:19:47selling

00:19:47solar panels

00:19:49you can see

00:19:50a slice of life

00:19:51you had no idea

00:19:52existed

00:19:53and guess what

00:19:54there's always

00:19:55so much drama

00:19:56and people spending

00:19:58so much money

00:19:59on something

00:19:59like really stupid

00:20:02and they're all

00:20:03always fucking

00:20:04each other

00:20:06trade shows

00:20:07and conventions

00:20:08are the greatest

00:20:09human invention

00:20:10but they all

00:20:11want you to

00:20:11like apply

00:20:12and tell them

00:20:13about how you're

00:20:14involved in their

00:20:14little industry

00:20:15for you to be able

00:20:16to go

00:20:16and that's dumb

00:20:17because I want to go

00:20:18so let me in there

00:20:20I don't have to work

00:20:21in your stupid thing

00:20:22I just want to look

00:20:23at you

00:20:26here's my wish list

00:20:28of upcoming events

00:20:29at the Javits Center

00:20:29that they will not

00:20:30let me go to

00:20:32the Cooperator Expo

00:20:33the New York Produce

00:20:35Show and Conference

00:20:35the International Council

00:20:37of Shopping Centers

00:20:38Greater New York

00:20:40Dental Meeting

00:20:41love this one

00:20:42walk with me

00:20:43this is a meeting

00:20:45that contains

00:20:46within it

00:20:47an expo

00:20:48two conferences

00:20:49a symposium

00:20:50a summit

00:20:51three programs

00:20:52and a lab

00:20:54name a more productive

00:20:56use of time

00:20:58discover New York

00:20:59Boating Show

00:21:00this one I will be

00:21:01doing a dramatic

00:21:01reading of

00:21:05if you love

00:21:06getting on the water

00:21:07the New York

00:21:08Boat Show

00:21:08is just heaven

00:21:10pause

00:21:11Javits Center

00:21:12on land

00:21:15we have more

00:21:16than 330 boats

00:21:18on display

00:21:19of almost

00:21:19every type

00:21:20and brand

00:21:21we're talking

00:21:22luxury cabin cruisers

00:21:24rip and wake boats

00:21:25even stand up

00:21:26paddle boards

00:21:28it's fun

00:21:29to see all the

00:21:29cool innovations

00:21:30and eye popping

00:21:31designs

00:21:32all under one roof

00:21:34here's the list

00:21:35of all the boat

00:21:36brands you can see

00:21:37at the show

00:21:37and then there's

00:21:38no list

00:21:42and finally

00:21:43truly

00:21:44probably

00:21:45the greatest

00:21:46event

00:21:46I've ever heard of

00:21:48anyone's ever heard of

00:21:49the National

00:21:50Coalition

00:21:51of Associations

00:21:53of 7-Eleven

00:21:54so this event

00:22:02is a coalition

00:22:03of franchisee

00:22:05associations

00:22:05so each

00:22:08franchise owners

00:22:08association

00:22:09has between

00:22:1115 and

00:22:12400

00:22:13franchisees

00:22:15and there are

00:22:1640 franchisee

00:22:18associations

00:22:19can you imagine

00:22:21getting to walk

00:22:22around a room

00:22:22with thousands

00:22:23of people

00:22:24who spend their

00:22:25day running

00:22:26a 7-Eleven

00:22:29and maybe

00:22:30you're thinking

00:22:30Macy

00:22:31they don't have

00:22:32to let you

00:22:32into their convention

00:22:33just so you

00:22:34can gawk

00:22:34at them

00:22:35wrong-o

00:22:37yes they do

00:22:39the Javits Center

00:22:40was named

00:22:41after Congressman

00:22:41Jacob K.

00:22:42Javits

00:22:43who was known

00:22:44for his deep

00:22:45commitment

00:22:45to social issues

00:22:46name a bigger

00:22:48social issue

00:22:49than me not

00:22:50being able

00:22:50to ask a bunch

00:22:51of specific

00:22:51questions

00:22:52to 7-Eleven

00:22:53franchisees

00:22:55this is not

00:22:56how the big

00:22:56man upstairs

00:22:57would want

00:22:57you to run

00:22:58this place

00:23:10and guess what

00:23:11the Javits Center

00:23:13is operated by

00:23:14the New York

00:23:14Convention Center

00:23:15operating corporation

00:23:16which is

00:23:17say it with me

00:23:18a New York

00:23:19state public

00:23:19benefit corporation

00:23:20so it's like

00:23:21partially public

00:23:23that means

00:23:24that I should

00:23:25get to go

00:23:25in there

00:23:25all the time

00:23:26like the one

00:23:27free part

00:23:27of the Central

00:23:27Park Zoo

00:23:30please let me

00:23:31study the human

00:23:31condition

00:23:32through hyper

00:23:32specific trade

00:23:33shows

00:23:34abolish there

00:23:35not being a

00:23:35season pass

00:23:36to the Javits

00:23:36Center

00:23:44Macy I

00:23:45actually have

00:23:46some solutions

00:23:46for you

00:23:48what if you

00:23:49hear me out

00:23:50got a job

00:23:51at the Javits

00:23:52Center

00:24:03you would

00:24:05annihilate in

00:24:06that interview

00:24:11can we go

00:24:12to the slide

00:24:12where it's

00:24:13the N-C-A-S-F-F

00:24:15and then under

00:24:16it it's a bunch

00:24:16of like circles

00:24:17and squares

00:24:18you explained

00:24:19this to us

00:24:22this is just

00:24:24these are letters

00:24:25in shape

00:24:25it makes no

00:24:26sense to anyone

00:24:27except for

00:24:28Javits Center

00:24:29employees

00:24:32I actually

00:24:33made that

00:24:34graphic myself

00:24:35you made that

00:24:41Macy

00:24:43you've got a

00:24:43beautiful path

00:24:44ahead of you

00:24:45of being like

00:24:46the princess

00:24:47of the Javits

00:24:47Center

00:24:48I see this for you

00:24:50so clearly

00:24:50I really don't think

00:24:51we need to

00:24:52abolish this

00:24:52I think you should

00:24:53just work there

00:24:54become like

00:24:54the CEO of it

00:24:56you are already

00:24:56halfway up that ladder

00:24:58and then when I'm

00:24:59CEO of it

00:24:59I make a season

00:25:00pass

00:25:01great

00:25:03absolutely

00:25:08yes

00:25:08Macy you're

00:25:09talented with

00:25:10graphic design

00:25:12oh perhaps

00:25:14you're talented

00:25:14with excel

00:25:15as well

00:25:16oh what a

00:25:17normal thing

00:25:20normal Josh

00:25:21doesn't your

00:25:22friend weird

00:25:22Josh live

00:25:23outside the

00:25:24Javits Center

00:25:24oh

00:25:25oh please

00:25:26I can't speak

00:25:27of weird

00:25:28Josh now

00:25:29oh if you

00:25:30bring him up

00:25:30too many times

00:25:31he might appear

00:25:35so as we

00:25:36established earlier

00:25:37I'm a nerd now

00:25:40ultimately the

00:25:41fact that

00:25:42you want a

00:25:43season pass

00:25:44to the palace

00:25:45of nerds

00:25:46so you can

00:25:47gawk at us

00:25:48nerds

00:25:49like as if

00:25:50it's some sort

00:25:51of zoo

00:25:51is like

00:25:52that's so

00:25:53not

00:25:53that's so

00:25:54because I'm

00:25:55a nerd now

00:25:56and that's

00:25:56it's a place

00:25:57of true

00:25:58appreciation

00:25:59for your craft

00:26:00for these

00:26:01specialists

00:26:02as a

00:26:03generalist

00:26:03I like to

00:26:03see their

00:26:04their deep

00:26:04knowledge

00:26:05of subject

00:26:06matter

00:26:06well I know

00:26:07about all the

00:26:08nerdy stuff

00:26:08if you want

00:26:09to ask me

00:26:09about it

00:26:09yeah which

00:26:09ones of

00:26:10those if

00:26:10you want

00:26:10to

00:26:10I was

00:26:11into the

00:26:13LGBTQ

00:26:16so you think

00:26:17being gay

00:26:18is for

00:26:18nerds

00:26:20I love

00:26:21gay guys

00:26:22they're really

00:26:22funny

00:26:25you know

00:26:25Macy

00:26:25I also hear

00:26:26you about

00:26:27wanting drama

00:26:27right because

00:26:28just being there

00:26:29maybe not

00:26:29doesn't get

00:26:29you the drama

00:26:30can I offer

00:26:31yet another

00:26:31solution

00:26:32I would love

00:26:33for you to

00:26:33join any

00:26:34existing adult

00:26:35friend group

00:26:36that has known

00:26:36each other

00:26:36since college

00:26:39girl can I tell

00:26:40you they all

00:26:41fucking each other

00:26:41there's beef

00:26:42between individual

00:26:43duos and at

00:26:44certain points

00:26:45they'll split up

00:26:45and they'll be

00:26:46clicked against

00:26:46each other

00:26:46with different

00:26:47group chats

00:26:48right and then

00:26:48they'll also be

00:26:49super mean to you

00:26:50because they don't

00:26:50want to let

00:26:51anyone else in

00:26:52so the drama

00:26:52will also be

00:26:53directed at you

00:26:54as well

00:26:54you really get

00:26:55a buffet of

00:26:56nasty toxic

00:26:57with that kind

00:26:57of friend group

00:26:58and I think

00:26:58that will really

00:26:59quench your thirst

00:27:01you actually

00:27:02have a lot

00:27:02of good points

00:27:03I need to

00:27:05write these down

00:27:05well excuse me

00:27:07perhaps I can

00:27:07add one good

00:27:08point

00:27:10now you

00:27:11mentioned

00:27:12conventions

00:27:12are for people

00:27:14with niche

00:27:15odd interests

00:27:16well I'm

00:27:17sorry but I

00:27:18would never

00:27:19take a season

00:27:19pass to the

00:27:20Javits Center

00:27:21because I have

00:27:21normal interests

00:27:24for example

00:27:25I'm into

00:27:26Home Depot

00:27:29I'm into

00:27:30Walmart

00:27:32and I'm into

00:27:33diaper play

00:27:34so I don't

00:27:35understand

00:27:35and that's time

00:27:39our next abolitionist

00:27:41previously abolished

00:27:42AMC pre-roll ads

00:27:44let's hear it for

00:27:45Martin Urbano

00:27:55I just flew in

00:27:57for this show

00:27:57a show

00:27:58that is famously

00:28:00pro-fascist

00:28:03and I'm pretty

00:28:04used to flying

00:28:05for work

00:28:06I was a summer

00:28:07intern for

00:28:08Ghislaine Maxwell

00:28:14but as a

00:28:15frequent flyer

00:28:16I've come up

00:28:18with some

00:28:18rather humorous

00:28:19observations

00:28:20about flying

00:28:21and the airport

00:28:22and that's why

00:28:24I'm here to say

00:28:25that we need

00:28:26to abolish

00:28:27the deal

00:28:28with airport

00:28:29food

00:28:34now

00:28:35what is

00:28:37the deal

00:28:38with airport

00:28:39food

00:28:40great question

00:28:43since the dawn

00:28:45of humorous

00:28:45observations

00:28:46professional

00:28:47observer

00:28:48Jerry Seinfeld

00:28:54has pondered

00:28:55on this

00:28:56very thought

00:28:56at the risk

00:28:57of sounding

00:28:58like a radical

00:28:59leftist

00:29:00I think people

00:29:01need to eat

00:29:02food to live

00:29:05but when

00:29:06we the people

00:29:07are at the

00:29:08airport

00:29:08our options

00:29:09are fucked

00:29:13$14

00:29:13for a cold

00:29:15dry

00:29:15Italian sub

00:29:17$6

00:29:18for a cheese

00:29:19stick

00:29:19with a piece

00:29:20of pepperoni

00:29:21wrapped around

00:29:21it

00:29:21$3

00:29:23via Venmo

00:29:24for a bite

00:29:24of some

00:29:25random guy's

00:29:26breakfast wrap

00:29:29even the

00:29:30shitty fast

00:29:30food chains

00:29:31that we

00:29:31know and

00:29:32like

00:29:32are selling

00:29:33their shit

00:29:34at ticket

00:29:34master prices

00:29:36the other day

00:29:37I tried to get

00:29:38a McDonald's

00:29:38breakfast sandwich

00:29:39without the meal

00:29:41and it was

00:29:42$7

00:29:44look

00:29:44McDonald's

00:29:45is many things

00:29:46poison

00:29:47stuff like that

00:29:49but the whole

00:29:50thing it has

00:29:51going for it

00:29:52is that

00:29:52it is cheap

00:29:53sure it'll

00:29:54kill me

00:29:55but look

00:29:55at these

00:29:55deals

00:29:57but credit

00:29:58where credit

00:29:58is due

00:29:59one place

00:29:59that does

00:30:00keep their

00:30:00prices

00:30:00consistent

00:30:01inside and

00:30:02outside of

00:30:03the airport

00:30:04Starbucks

00:30:05Starbucks

00:30:06is actually

00:30:06a really good

00:30:07company

00:30:07if you don't

00:30:08look into

00:30:08it at all

00:30:11and I will

00:30:12say on

00:30:12international

00:30:13flights

00:30:13the airline

00:30:14gives you

00:30:15free food

00:30:16on the

00:30:16flight

00:30:17and that's

00:30:17why I'm

00:30:18always flying

00:30:19to Thailand

00:30:25and look

00:30:26look

00:30:26it's not

00:30:27just about

00:30:28the price

00:30:28okay

00:30:29I can

00:30:29afford

00:30:30a $14

00:30:31sandwich

00:30:32if you give

00:30:33me a couple

00:30:33days to get

00:30:34some things

00:30:34in order

00:30:36it's the

00:30:37hostage

00:30:37situation

00:30:38they've put

00:30:38it is

00:30:40recommended

00:30:40you get

00:30:40to the

00:30:41airport

00:30:41two hours

00:30:42before your

00:30:42flight

00:30:43the average

00:30:44flight time

00:30:44in the US

00:30:45is an hour

00:30:46and 15 minutes

00:30:47accounting for

00:30:47baggage claim

00:30:48travel to

00:30:49and from

00:30:49the airport

00:30:50that is

00:30:51over

00:30:51four hours

00:30:52I don't know

00:30:53about you guys

00:30:54but in that

00:30:55amount of time

00:30:55I could eat

00:30:56one maybe

00:30:57even two

00:30:57meals

00:30:58and I could

00:30:59have sex

00:31:00400 maybe

00:31:01even 500

00:31:02times

00:31:05but enough

00:31:06bragging

00:31:08so at

00:31:09security

00:31:10they make

00:31:10you throw

00:31:10away

00:31:11all liquids

00:31:12yes

00:31:12even piss

00:31:15no liquids

00:31:16no firearms

00:31:18really giving

00:31:19me no

00:31:19options of

00:31:20things to

00:31:21put in

00:31:21my mouth

00:31:25if I'm

00:31:26not allowed

00:31:27to bring

00:31:28a liquid

00:31:29to the

00:31:29airport

00:31:30that means

00:31:30I have

00:31:31to buy

00:31:31a drink

00:31:32or what

00:31:33else am

00:31:33I going

00:31:33to do

00:31:34use the

00:31:35water fountain

00:31:35you mean

00:31:36that gross

00:31:37thing that

00:31:38people piss

00:31:39and shit

00:31:39into

00:31:41what

00:31:41that's not

00:31:42how you're

00:31:43supposed to

00:31:43use a

00:31:44water fountain

00:31:44then I've

00:31:46got some

00:31:46splaining

00:31:47to do

00:31:50and then

00:31:51there are

00:31:51the vending

00:31:52machines

00:31:52oh

00:31:53the other

00:31:54day I was

00:31:54at the

00:31:55airport

00:31:55I went

00:31:55to get

00:31:56a bottle

00:31:56of water

00:31:57from a

00:31:57vending

00:31:57machine

00:31:58and I

00:31:58ain't

00:31:58talking

00:31:59no

00:31:59Voss

00:32:00or Fiji

00:32:00just a

00:32:02simple

00:32:02bottle

00:32:03of

00:32:03Dasani

00:32:04from a

00:32:04vending

00:32:05machine

00:32:05and it

00:32:05cost

00:32:06five

00:32:06dollars

00:32:07and ten

00:32:08cents

00:32:09five

00:32:10dollars

00:32:11and ten

00:32:12cents

00:32:12what's the

00:32:13upcharge

00:32:13for

00:32:14labor

00:32:16after I

00:32:17paid

00:32:17the

00:32:17vending

00:32:18machine

00:32:18presented

00:32:18me

00:32:19with a

00:32:19tip

00:32:19screen

00:32:20what

00:32:20the

00:32:20fuck

00:32:21well

00:32:22I

00:32:22say

00:32:23no

00:32:23more

00:32:24no

00:32:25more

00:32:25succumbing

00:32:25to a

00:32:26twelve

00:32:26dollar

00:32:26fruit

00:32:27cup

00:32:27no

00:32:28more

00:32:28buying

00:32:28a

00:32:29two

00:32:29hundred

00:32:29percent

00:32:29marked

00:32:30up

00:32:30bottle

00:32:30of

00:32:31Poland

00:32:31Springs

00:32:32we

00:32:32must

00:32:32stand

00:32:33together

00:32:33and

00:32:34take

00:32:34down

00:32:34the

00:32:35whole

00:32:35deal

00:32:35with

00:32:36airport

00:32:36food

00:32:37now

00:32:37for my

00:32:37part

00:32:38from now

00:32:38on

00:32:39when I

00:32:39travel

00:32:40I

00:32:40will be

00:32:40packing

00:32:41a

00:32:41carry-on

00:32:42bag

00:32:42full

00:32:43of

00:32:43empanadas

00:32:45and I

00:32:46will be

00:32:46selling

00:32:46them

00:32:47for a

00:32:47reasonable

00:32:48amount

00:32:48of

00:32:49money

00:32:49inside

00:32:50the

00:32:50men's

00:32:51restroom

00:32:51I

00:32:52hope

00:32:52to see

00:32:52you

00:32:52all

00:32:52there

00:32:53thank

00:32:53you

00:32:59Martin

00:32:59you

00:33:00seem

00:33:00like

00:33:00an

00:33:00awesome

00:33:01guy

00:33:02and

00:33:03Ghislaine

00:33:03is a

00:33:04great

00:33:04friend

00:33:04of a

00:33:05friend

00:33:05we

00:33:05are

00:33:05Josh

00:33:06and

00:33:07don't

00:33:07bring

00:33:07him

00:33:07up

00:33:08one

00:33:08more

00:33:08time

00:33:11you've

00:33:12lost

00:33:13the

00:33:14market

00:33:14has

00:33:15won

00:33:15it

00:33:16is

00:33:16an

00:33:17honor

00:33:17to

00:33:18be

00:33:18charged

00:33:19an

00:33:19exorbitant

00:33:20amount

00:33:20to try

00:33:21to do

00:33:21something

00:33:21that

00:33:22the

00:33:22rich

00:33:22people

00:33:22get

00:33:23to

00:33:23do

00:33:23for

00:33:23cheap

00:33:24your

00:33:24blood

00:33:25will

00:33:25go

00:33:25to

00:33:26a

00:33:26good

00:33:26cause

00:33:27I

00:33:28hope

00:33:28I've

00:33:28convinced

00:33:29you

00:33:32I'm

00:33:33considering

00:33:33it

00:33:35Martin

00:33:36it's

00:33:36really

00:33:36good

00:33:37to

00:33:37see

00:33:37you

00:33:37actually

00:33:38after

00:33:38all

00:33:38those

00:33:39years

00:33:39when

00:33:39we

00:33:39were

00:33:39interning

00:33:40together

00:33:40at

00:33:40Gillian

00:33:41like

00:33:41you

00:33:41probably

00:33:42don't

00:33:42remember

00:33:42me

00:33:42because

00:33:43I

00:33:43was

00:33:43like

00:33:43the

00:33:43little

00:33:43one

00:33:45you're

00:33:45gonna

00:33:46have

00:33:46to

00:33:46narrow

00:33:46it

00:33:46down

00:33:47yeah

00:33:49as

00:33:49we

00:33:49all

00:33:49know

00:33:50I

00:33:50work

00:33:50in

00:33:50the

00:33:50government

00:33:50I

00:33:51run

00:33:51the

00:33:51navy

00:33:51for

00:33:51girls

00:33:52and

00:33:54my

00:33:55really

00:33:56funny

00:33:56friends

00:33:56in

00:33:56the

00:33:56government

00:33:57did

00:33:57something

00:33:57so

00:33:58hilarious

00:33:58recently

00:33:58which is

00:33:59shut

00:33:59it

00:33:59all

00:34:00down

00:34:01and

00:34:02that

00:34:02really

00:34:03affected

00:34:03flights

00:34:04and

00:34:04we

00:34:05were

00:34:05all

00:34:05like

00:34:05oh

00:34:06my

00:34:06god

00:34:06the

00:34:06flights

00:34:06are

00:34:06gonna

00:34:06go

00:34:07down

00:34:07like

00:34:07it's

00:34:07gonna

00:34:08be

00:34:08really

00:34:08bad

00:34:09so

00:34:09that's

00:34:10actually

00:34:10why

00:34:11the

00:34:11prices

00:34:11are

00:34:11so

00:34:12high

00:34:12in

00:34:12airports

00:34:13we

00:34:13want

00:34:13you

00:34:13to

00:34:13hate

00:34:14your

00:34:19fucking

00:34:20you're

00:34:20like

00:34:27Gillian's

00:34:27helped

00:34:27me

00:34:27that

00:34:27one

00:34:30to

00:34:30piggyback

00:34:30off

00:34:31of

00:34:31what

00:34:31Jamie

00:34:31said

00:34:31sorry

00:34:32titty back

00:34:32off

00:34:32of

00:34:32what

00:34:32Jamie

00:34:33just

00:34:33said

00:34:33thank you

00:34:35I think

00:34:35you're

00:34:35seeing it

00:34:36in the

00:34:36wrong

00:34:36way

00:34:36right

00:34:37the

00:34:37airport

00:34:37food

00:34:38is

00:34:38bad

00:34:38not

00:34:38because

00:34:39they

00:34:39want

00:34:39to

00:34:39treat

00:34:39you

00:34:39shit

00:34:40because

00:34:40it's

00:34:40bad

00:34:40for

00:34:40you

00:34:40it's

00:34:41because

00:34:41it's

00:34:41good

00:34:41for

00:34:41you

00:34:42the

00:34:42job

00:34:42of

00:34:42being

00:34:42in

00:34:43the

00:34:43airport

00:34:43leading

00:34:43up

00:34:43to

00:34:43your

00:34:44flight

00:34:44is

00:34:44to

00:34:44beat

00:34:45your

00:34:45spirit

00:34:45down

00:34:46so

00:34:46that

00:34:47by

00:34:47the

00:34:47time

00:34:47you're

00:34:47on

00:34:47the

00:34:47plane

00:34:48you're

00:34:48okay

00:34:48with

00:34:48being

00:34:49cramped

00:34:49in a

00:34:49fart

00:34:49cloud

00:34:50and

00:34:50only

00:34:50watching

00:34:50seasons

00:34:51one

00:34:51of

00:34:51friends

00:34:51but only

00:34:52episodes

00:34:52three

00:34:52and six

00:34:53over

00:34:53and over

00:34:54again

00:34:55right

00:34:55if you

00:34:56were to

00:34:56transition

00:34:56from

00:34:57regular

00:34:57world

00:34:58to

00:34:58flight

00:34:58and have

00:34:59it

00:34:59just

00:34:59be

00:34:59eating

00:34:59good

00:35:00food

00:35:00at

00:35:00a

00:35:00good

00:35:00price

00:35:01and

00:35:01you

00:35:01feel

00:35:01good

00:35:01about

00:35:01yourself

00:35:02and

00:35:02then

00:35:02you

00:35:02get

00:35:02on

00:35:02a

00:35:02plane

00:35:03you

00:35:03would

00:35:03scream

00:35:04the

00:35:04transition

00:35:05would

00:35:05be

00:35:05jarring

00:35:06you

00:35:06would

00:35:06lose

00:35:06your

00:35:07mind

00:35:07your

00:35:07eyeballs

00:35:07would

00:35:08bleed

00:35:08so

00:35:08it

00:35:09is

00:35:09actually

00:35:09a

00:35:09service

00:35:09that

00:35:10the

00:35:10airport

00:35:10makes

00:35:11your

00:35:11life

00:35:11hell

00:35:11so

00:35:12by the

00:35:12time

00:35:12you're

00:35:12sitting

00:35:12there

00:35:13in

00:35:13a

00:35:13middle

00:35:13seat

00:35:13you're

00:35:14like

00:35:14oh

00:35:14thank

00:35:14god

00:35:15I'll

00:35:15be

00:35:16honest

00:35:16right

00:35:17now

00:35:17my

00:35:18whole

00:35:18damn

00:35:19life

00:35:19in

00:35:19airport

00:35:27can

00:35:31I

00:35:31have

00:35:32one

00:35:32thing

00:35:35excuse

00:35:36me

00:35:36mr

00:35:36urbano

00:35:37yes

00:35:37josh

00:35:38you

00:35:39mentioned

00:35:39you've

00:35:39had

00:35:40sex

00:35:40400

00:35:40times

00:35:41in

00:35:41four

00:35:41hours

00:35:42well

00:35:43I've

00:35:43had

00:35:43sex

00:35:44the

00:35:44missionary

00:35:45position

00:35:46oh

00:35:47and

00:35:48it

00:35:48felt

00:35:48amazing

00:35:51is

00:35:52that

00:35:53it

00:35:53just

00:35:53normal

00:35:53well

00:35:54of

00:35:54course

00:35:55what

00:35:56a

00:35:56normal

00:35:57thing

00:35:57for

00:35:57me

00:35:57to

00:35:57do

00:35:58martin

00:36:06whose

00:36:06piss

00:36:07was

00:36:07in

00:36:07the

00:36:07cup

00:36:07I

00:36:08know

00:36:08it

00:36:08wasn't

00:36:08yours

00:36:09man

00:36:09whose

00:36:09piss

00:36:09was

00:36:10in

00:36:10the

00:36:10cup

00:36:10you

00:36:10tried

00:36:10to

00:36:10get

00:36:11on

00:36:11the

00:36:11plane

00:36:14weird

00:36:15josh

00:36:15oh

00:36:16no

00:36:16weird

00:36:17josh

00:36:17has

00:36:17been

00:36:18brought

00:36:18up

00:36:18again

00:36:19oh

00:36:20no

00:36:20I

00:36:20won't

00:36:21transform

00:36:21and

00:36:22that's

00:36:23time

00:36:25our

00:36:27next

00:36:27abolitionist

00:36:28previously

00:36:28abolished

00:36:29having the

00:36:30same

00:36:30name

00:36:30as a

00:36:30famous

00:36:31person

00:36:31please

00:36:32welcome

00:36:32jason

00:36:33siegel

00:36:44the

00:36:44future

00:36:46it

00:36:47could

00:36:47happen

00:36:48at

00:36:48any

00:36:48time

00:36:54in

00:36:55times

00:36:55of

00:36:56uncertainty

00:36:56we need

00:36:56a

00:36:57road

00:36:57map

00:36:57we

00:36:58need

00:36:58a

00:36:58guide

00:36:58we

00:36:59need

00:37:00to

00:37:00abolish

00:37:01fortune

00:37:01cookie

00:37:02fortunes

00:37:02that

00:37:03are

00:37:03not

00:37:04fortunes

00:37:13as a

00:37:14child

00:37:14I

00:37:15wondered

00:37:15about

00:37:15my

00:37:15future

00:37:16where

00:37:17will

00:37:17I

00:37:17live

00:37:18will

00:37:19my

00:37:19first

00:37:19wife

00:37:19be

00:37:19nice

00:37:22will

00:37:22I

00:37:22ever

00:37:23become

00:37:23the

00:37:23first

00:37:24astronaut

00:37:24slash

00:37:25race

00:37:25car

00:37:25driver

00:37:25to

00:37:25slam

00:37:26dunk

00:37:26from

00:37:26half

00:37:26court

00:37:29like

00:37:30millions

00:37:30of

00:37:30Americans

00:37:31I

00:37:31used

00:37:31to

00:37:31find

00:37:31answers

00:37:32at

00:37:32my

00:37:32local

00:37:32Chinese

00:37:33restaurant

00:37:35but

00:37:35now

00:37:35at

00:37:36those

00:37:36same

00:37:36restaurants

00:37:37I

00:37:37crack

00:37:37open

00:37:37my

00:37:38fortune

00:37:38cookies

00:37:38and

00:37:39see

00:37:39shit

00:37:40like

00:37:40this

00:37:44you

00:37:44have

00:37:44a

00:37:45nice

00:37:45smile

00:37:45this

00:37:46is

00:37:46not

00:37:46a

00:37:47fortune

00:37:48this

00:37:48is

00:37:49a

00:37:49compliment

00:37:50and

00:37:51it's

00:37:51not

00:37:51even

00:37:52a

00:37:52good

00:37:52compliment

00:37:53nice

00:37:54smile

00:37:55be an

00:37:55adult

00:37:56and

00:37:56tell

00:37:56me

00:37:56I'm

00:37:57dummy

00:37:57thick

00:38:01look at

00:38:02this

00:38:02one

00:38:02I

00:38:03may

00:38:03make

00:38:04a

00:38:04name

00:38:04for

00:38:04myself

00:38:05as

00:38:06in

00:38:06either

00:38:06I

00:38:06will

00:38:07or

00:38:07I

00:38:07won't

00:38:08the

00:38:08two

00:38:08options

00:38:11as

00:38:12previously

00:38:12established

00:38:13on

00:38:13this

00:38:14show

00:38:14I

00:38:15am

00:38:15trying

00:38:20this

00:38:21one

00:38:21is

00:38:21the

00:38:21worst

00:38:23this

00:38:24is

00:38:24so

00:38:24vague

00:38:24it's

00:38:25not

00:38:25even

00:38:25a

00:38:26compliment

00:38:27if

00:38:27I

00:38:27asked

00:38:28a

00:38:28friend

00:38:28how

00:38:28my

00:38:28scent

00:38:28went

00:38:29tonight

00:38:29and

00:38:29they

00:38:29replied

00:38:30you

00:38:31are

00:38:31talented

00:38:31in

00:38:31many

00:38:32ways

00:38:33I

00:38:34would

00:38:34walk

00:38:35straight

00:38:35out

00:38:35of

00:38:35caveat

00:38:36and

00:38:36into

00:38:36the

00:38:37Hudson

00:38:39so

00:38:40what

00:38:40happened

00:38:41every

00:38:42year

00:38:42Americans

00:38:42consume

00:38:43roughly

00:38:43three

00:38:43billion

00:38:44fortune

00:38:45cookies

00:38:45the

00:38:46vast

00:38:46majority

00:38:47of

00:38:47those

00:38:47cookies

00:38:47are

00:38:48produced

00:38:48by

00:38:48one

00:38:48Brooklyn

00:38:49based

00:38:49company

00:38:50wonton

00:38:51foods

00:38:51and

00:38:52for

00:38:52over

00:38:5330

00:38:53years

00:38:54nearly

00:38:54every

00:38:55single

00:38:56one

00:38:56of

00:38:56their

00:38:56fortunes

00:38:57was

00:38:57written

00:38:57by

00:38:58one

00:38:58man

00:38:59their

00:39:00chief

00:39:00financial

00:39:01officer

00:39:03Donald

00:39:04Lau

00:39:05Donald

00:39:06Lau

00:39:07is

00:39:07arguably

00:39:08the

00:39:08most

00:39:08widely

00:39:09read

00:39:09writer

00:39:10in

00:39:10America

00:39:19eat

00:39:20shit

00:39:20god

00:39:23for

00:39:26decades

00:39:26Donald

00:39:26used his

00:39:27gift of

00:39:27premonition

00:39:28to put

00:39:28out

00:39:28absolute

00:39:29bangers

00:39:30like

00:39:30this

00:39:31you

00:39:31are

00:39:31soon

00:39:31going

00:39:32to

00:39:32change

00:39:32your

00:39:32present

00:39:33line

00:39:33of

00:39:33work

00:39:33yes

00:39:34yeah

00:39:35that is

00:39:36a great

00:39:37fortune

00:39:37is this

00:39:38good news

00:39:39bad news

00:39:39I don't

00:39:40know

00:39:40I don't

00:39:41care

00:39:41it's

00:39:42news

00:39:42and

00:39:43it's

00:39:43drama

00:39:47and

00:39:47my personal

00:39:48favorite

00:39:50you will

00:39:50be on

00:39:51the list

00:39:51of the

00:39:52excellent

00:39:52people

00:39:53this year

00:39:54yeah

00:39:55yeah

00:39:56that's

00:39:57what I'm

00:39:57talking

00:39:57about

00:39:58I don't

00:39:59know

00:39:59what that

00:40:00is

00:40:00where

00:40:01it

00:40:01is

00:40:01who's

00:40:02making

00:40:02it

00:40:02all

00:40:03I

00:40:03know

00:40:03is

00:40:04that

00:40:04me

00:40:04and

00:40:05my

00:40:05boy

00:40:05Donald

00:40:06are

00:40:06on

00:40:06it

00:40:10but

00:40:11then

00:40:11something

00:40:12happened

00:40:13in

00:40:142016

00:40:15Donald

00:40:15announced

00:40:15that

00:40:16he

00:40:16had

00:40:16lost

00:40:16the

00:40:16gift

00:40:17please

00:40:18please

00:40:18hold it

00:40:19together

00:40:22and

00:40:23it

00:40:23was

00:40:23time

00:40:23it

00:40:25was

00:40:25time

00:40:25for

00:40:25him

00:40:25to

00:40:26choose

00:40:26a

00:40:26successor

00:40:26and

00:40:28after

00:40:28a

00:40:28long

00:40:28and

00:40:29thorough

00:40:29national

00:40:30search

00:40:31they

00:40:32found

00:40:32their

00:40:32new

00:40:32prophet

00:40:34a

00:40:34guy

00:40:35who

00:40:35also

00:40:35happened

00:40:36to

00:40:36work

00:40:36there

00:40:40and

00:40:41I'm

00:40:41sorry

00:40:41to say

00:40:42James

00:40:43Wong

00:40:43does

00:40:44not

00:40:44have

00:40:44the

00:40:45gift

00:40:47how

00:40:48do

00:40:48I

00:40:48know

00:40:49because

00:40:49I

00:40:50bought

00:40:50opened

00:40:51and

00:40:51ate

00:40:51hundreds

00:40:52of

00:40:53recent

00:40:53wonton

00:40:54food

00:40:54brand

00:40:54fortune

00:40:55cookies

00:40:56and

00:40:57afterward

00:40:57I

00:40:58was

00:40:59sick

00:40:59to

00:40:59my

00:41:00stomach

00:41:05because

00:41:07what

00:41:07I

00:41:08read

00:41:08in

00:41:08those

00:41:09cookies

00:41:09disgusted

00:41:10me

00:41:11we

00:41:12need

00:41:12someone

00:41:13in

00:41:13charge

00:41:13who

00:41:14has

00:41:14the

00:41:14gift

00:41:17someone

00:41:17who

00:41:18understands

00:41:18the

00:41:19stakes

00:41:21someone

00:41:22who

00:41:22knows

00:41:23how

00:41:23cool

00:41:23it

00:41:23would

00:41:23be

00:41:23if

00:41:24all

00:41:24120

00:41:25people

00:41:25in the

00:41:26audience

00:41:26reached

00:41:27under

00:41:27their

00:41:27seats

00:41:28to find

00:41:29a cookie

00:41:29with an

00:41:30original

00:41:30fortune

00:41:42fortune

00:41:43like

00:41:44you

00:41:44will

00:41:44make

00:41:44a

00:41:45loyal

00:41:45friend

00:41:45at

00:41:45a

00:41:45bank

00:41:45that

00:41:46is

00:41:46being

00:41:46robbed

00:41:49your

00:41:49love

00:41:50life

00:41:50will

00:41:50do

00:41:50a

00:41:50180

00:41:51another

00:41:51180

00:41:52and

00:41:52then

00:41:52a

00:41:52kick

00:41:52flip

00:41:54your

00:41:54dream

00:41:55will

00:41:55come

00:41:55true

00:41:55the

00:41:56one

00:41:56where

00:41:56you're

00:41:56nude

00:41:57at

00:41:57work

00:41:59finally

00:42:01I'd

00:42:01like

00:42:01to

00:42:01deliver

00:42:02a

00:42:02message

00:42:02directly

00:42:03to

00:42:03James

00:42:03Wong

00:42:04and

00:42:05I

00:42:05don't

00:42:05need

00:42:06a

00:42:06little

00:42:06cookie

00:42:07to

00:42:07do

00:42:08it

00:42:18James

00:42:19you

00:42:20are

00:42:20talented

00:42:21in

00:42:21many

00:42:21ways

00:42:24but

00:42:25you

00:42:25are

00:42:25soon

00:42:26going

00:42:26to

00:42:26change

00:42:27your

00:42:27present

00:42:27line

00:42:27of

00:42:28work

00:42:30and

00:42:31I'm

00:42:31sorry

00:42:31to

00:42:31say

00:42:32you

00:42:32will

00:42:32not

00:42:33be

00:42:33on

00:42:33this

00:42:33year's

00:42:34list

00:42:34of

00:42:34the

00:42:35excellent

00:42:35people

00:42:37abolish

00:42:38fortune

00:42:38cookie

00:42:39fortunes

00:42:39that

00:42:39are

00:42:40not

00:42:40fortunes

00:42:51Jason

00:42:52so

00:42:52you

00:42:53agree

00:42:53you

00:42:53know

00:42:53it's

00:42:53not

00:42:54real

00:42:54because

00:42:54you

00:42:54know

00:42:54it's

00:42:55just

00:42:55a

00:42:55guy

00:42:55behind

00:42:55it

00:42:55so

00:42:56that

00:42:56means

00:42:56if

00:42:56someone

00:42:56were

00:42:56to

00:42:56hand

00:42:57you

00:42:57a

00:42:57piece

00:42:57of

00:42:57paper

00:42:57you'd

00:42:58believe

00:42:58the

00:42:58fortune

00:42:58on

00:42:58it

00:42:59no

00:42:59do

00:42:59you

00:43:00want

00:43:00to

00:43:00try

00:43:03you

00:43:06will

00:43:07lose

00:43:07this

00:43:07argument

00:43:11Jason

00:43:13fortunes

00:43:14and the

00:43:14art of

00:43:14being an

00:43:14oracle

00:43:15or a

00:43:15medium

00:43:15don't

00:43:16come

00:43:16from

00:43:16literal

00:43:17translations

00:43:18of what

00:43:18the

00:43:18exact

00:43:18words

00:43:19are

00:43:19saying

00:43:19right

00:43:19it

00:43:20comes

00:43:20down

00:43:20to

00:43:20creative

00:43:20comprehension

00:43:21if

00:43:22someone's

00:43:22looking

00:43:22into

00:43:22the

00:43:22fire

00:43:23or

00:43:23something

00:43:23for

00:43:24your

00:43:24future

00:43:24for

00:43:24your

00:43:24fortune

00:43:25could

00:43:26I

00:43:26cut you

00:43:26off

00:43:26for one

00:43:26second

00:43:27no

00:43:27I

00:43:28actually

00:43:29I have

00:43:29a custom

00:43:29fortune

00:43:30just for

00:43:30you

00:43:30do you

00:43:33think I'd be

00:43:33more open

00:43:34to getting

00:43:34a custom

00:43:34fortune

00:43:35before or

00:43:35after I

00:43:36finish a

00:43:36sentence

00:43:39I'm gonna

00:43:39get it ready

00:43:40just

00:43:40but I'm

00:43:41listening

00:43:41stay there

00:43:41and listen

00:43:42to me

00:43:43Jason

00:43:52as I

00:43:53was

00:43:53fucking

00:43:54saying

00:43:57it's

00:43:57creative

00:43:57comprehension

00:43:58same thing

00:43:58with reading

00:43:59tarot

00:43:59don't fiddle

00:43:59with the

00:44:00box

00:44:00look at me

00:44:00in the

00:44:01eye

00:44:04sorry

00:44:05with things

00:44:05like tarot

00:44:06reading tea

00:44:07leaves

00:44:07reading

00:44:07stones

00:44:08all

00:44:08of it

00:44:09comes

00:44:09down

00:44:09to

00:44:09you

00:44:09as

00:44:10the

00:44:10interpreter

00:44:10right

00:44:11so if

00:44:11you

00:44:11read

00:44:12one

00:44:12of

00:44:12his

00:44:12fortunes

00:44:13and you

00:44:13don't believe

00:44:13it to be a fortune

00:44:14that's just you not being able to read it for what it is

00:44:16if you don't see yourself in it that doesn't mean that he's bad at it

00:44:19it means that you don't have creative comprehension reading skills

00:44:21that's not his fucking fault it's yours

00:44:24alright I'll take my cookie now

00:44:28what's it say what's it say

00:44:30it says

00:44:33you will ruin the vibe in the room

00:44:50Jason do you have a wife

00:44:54no not yet

00:44:56I should have known that obviously you're wearing a baseball hat on a fancy night out

00:45:04I also should have known that based on your argument because you're forgetting about half the population of the world

00:45:09here which is women

00:45:10the thing about Donald Lau is he probably has a wife and as he knows women need compliments after they

00:45:18eat

00:45:20so I need the reassurance when I'm done eating that I you know have a tiny waist thick ass and

00:45:28awesome ideas for new kinds of outfits

00:45:30you know this is like what I what we need as women

00:45:34I totally hear you

00:45:35I totally hear you Jamie

00:45:36can we go back to the um the cookie that says you are thicky

00:45:42if you want a compliment get a compliment cookie

00:45:46this is a fortune cookie

00:45:48the whole point of it is to be a fortune that's a whole separate thing

00:45:51I would I am all for compliment cookies

00:45:54well did you make me one or what the fuck

00:45:57I actually did

00:46:01I'm yeah

00:46:02okay I'm gonna open it

00:46:04in three years you will have an awesome time at your 22nd birthday

00:46:10thank you

00:46:14that is so true

00:46:16now I feel better about eating

00:46:20um I would like my cookie too

00:46:25and I would also like Josh to get his cookie

00:46:28thank you

00:46:29thank you

00:46:30thank you

00:46:30oh interesting

00:46:31Jason I don't know what I did to you to deserve this

00:46:37you have a nice smile

00:46:42you do

00:46:43you do

00:46:44he does

00:46:46now

00:46:46Jason

00:46:47before I open this cookie

00:46:49I have something I'd like to say to you

00:46:52ahem

00:46:53you mentioned dummy thick earlier

00:46:56god

00:46:57what I would give to rail someone doggy

00:47:00wait

00:47:03oh no

00:47:04it's happening

00:47:06oh no

00:47:07weird Josh

00:47:08no it's happening

00:47:09quick open your fortune cookie

00:47:11open it quick

00:47:11due to shifting cultural trends

00:47:14you will eventually have to answer for the character you're doing tonight

00:47:35Ro-Ro

00:47:36and that's time

00:47:40our next abolitionist

00:47:42now wait just a minute

00:47:44um

00:47:45I'm sorry I looked away for a second and something has changed here

00:47:49I'm weird now

00:47:52oh no

00:47:53boo boo boo boo boo

00:47:54a boo boo boo boo boo boo boo

00:47:58we said weird Josh too many times and he came back out

00:48:01sorry

00:48:01and now I'm here and weirder than ever

00:48:05I'd riff on this more but I'm sure it's going to come up many more times

00:48:10over the remainder of the episode

00:48:13our next abolitionist previously abolished white men calling her a black queen and I can't riff on that either

00:48:20please welcome Chena Icaro

00:48:24allow me to set the scene

00:48:36you're waiting at the bar for your bestie who you haven't seen in months

00:48:40you look cute

00:48:41you're excited to catch up with her

00:48:44but then the door opens and you feel a chill pierce through the room

00:48:48and suddenly you're surrounded by a feeling of dark energy

00:48:53and you see your friend but there is a shadowy figure behind her

00:48:58today I would like to abolish

00:49:00unexpectedly bringing your boyfriend to the hang

00:49:06don't do that

00:49:07don't do that

00:49:11first of all

00:49:12the hang is for the girls

00:49:15I think we can all agree on that

00:49:18second of all when we're at the hang there are a few sacred topics of conversation

00:49:24I'd say it's about 3%

00:49:26oh my god this place is so cute

00:49:30it's about 5%

00:49:32oh it's been forever

00:49:34what have you been up to lately

00:49:36and then it's about 92% talking shit about your boyfriend

00:49:40yeah

00:49:42because what you've been up to lately

00:49:44is getting terrorized by that man

00:49:48so I think in a way the chart kind of looks like this

00:49:54so you see if you unexpectedly bring Daniel to the hang

00:49:58we have nothing to talk about

00:50:02but I will say this chart it's not really giving Daniel enough credit

00:50:06we like him

00:50:07he does bring his own plethora of riveting conversation topics such as credit card points

00:50:17yeah it's just credit card points

00:50:18listen I can't

00:50:22I cannot explain it but I have come to understand that credit card points

00:50:28that's just straight guy astrology

00:50:34thank you thank you I will not be elaborating

00:50:37okay so

00:50:39some people may ask well what if I ask you beforehand if he could come to the hang

00:50:43then that makes it okay right

00:50:44that makes it fine

00:50:47no that's that's that's not fine

00:50:48because now I have to actively say no

00:50:52and now I'm the bad guy

00:50:55now

00:50:56now I look crazy

00:50:58because when you ask to bring your boyfriend to the hang

00:51:01you always have some sort of like extremely reasonable excuse

00:51:05it's always like oh well Daniel and I were actually getting dinner beforehand

00:51:09one block away from the hang

00:51:12and now there are no trains running that go back to our apartment

00:51:15so it just logistically makes sense for him to come to the hang

00:51:19and then after the hang we'll uber home together

00:51:21and I'm like yes okay this is so reasonable this makes sense

00:51:28that

00:51:28it does overlook one small philosophical dilemma

00:51:32wherein I don't give a fuck

00:51:49men used to be in the trenches of war

00:51:53okay

00:51:55I think Daniel can walk 20 minutes to Delancey Essex bitch

00:52:02another question I've gotten is

00:52:04Chenette what if I'm dating a woman

00:52:06when people ask this question it makes me realize that I have been deeply

00:52:11misunderstood

00:52:14because you thought this whole time I was saying the hang is for the girls

00:52:20no I've been saying the hang is for the girls

00:52:26okay this is different

00:52:31girl that's a gender neutral term

00:52:34you thought Daniel wasn't invited because he's a straight man

00:52:37no he wasn't invited because he's not a girl

00:52:40I have plenty of straight guy friends who are my girls okay

00:52:46it's like any straight man can be a girl

00:52:49but not all girls are straight men

00:52:53in conclusion the hang is for the

00:52:59thank you bringing Daniel kills the

00:53:03girls this vibe

00:53:06girls this vibe we got there

00:53:12and most importantly I am a Chase Sapphire Sun a built moon

00:53:22and a Capital One Venture X Rising thank you

00:53:29thank you

00:53:36now you've mentioned not bringing Daniel to the hang

00:53:40well what about a weird guy like me

00:53:43ahem

00:53:44where else will I eat cheeseburgers without the bun

00:53:51okay you know before coming up here I did have to decide

00:53:54whether weird Josh was a girl or not

00:53:58and I was genuinely gonna say yeah

00:54:02but now that I'm up here I don't know

00:54:06uh what the penis

00:54:14did what the penis change how you feel about that?

00:54:18this guy is making me laugh

00:54:20ultimately

00:54:24haven't you heard of like the male loneliness epidemic like haven't you heard that guys have it like really hard

00:54:30right now

00:54:31and if they want to be around other people like they kind of need that so they don't like shoot

00:54:36up a school or something

00:54:39I have three baby sons Braxton Jackson and Connecticut

00:54:45and

00:54:47I would hope I would hope I would hope that you girl Gwarls whatever that means would would would welcome

00:54:57them in

00:54:59yeah and um Jamie I think you've neglected to acknowledge that I think I already covered that in a previous

00:55:05slide wherein I said I don't give a fuck

00:55:13I don't know

00:55:14how about you

00:55:14they're ready to go

00:55:15girl my girl

00:55:17ok listen so Daniel

00:55:18he sucks right? Daniel sucks

00:55:20we want our friend to break up with Daniel

00:55:22this is an opportunity Daniel's in the room with us

00:55:25be a menace ok?

00:55:28I want you to ask him who he thinks her hottest friend is

00:55:32I want you to tell him there's no difference between bourbon and whiskey

00:55:35I want you to tell him

00:55:37you could run a mile faster than him

00:55:39and watch him run around the bar for like an hour

00:55:41okay this is

00:55:43prime accelerate the breakup time

00:55:45you're going to use this opportunity

00:55:47bring him along yeah bring Daniel

00:55:49I'm going to be the biggest fucking problem for Daniel

00:55:51and your relationship that you've

00:55:53ever seen to guarantee next time

00:55:55you hang out with her Daniel's nowhere in sight

00:55:57because he's out of her life

00:56:04yeah we don't really like

00:56:05Daniel but like I'm not a monster

00:56:07like I recommend

00:56:09being a monster it's super fun

00:56:11ah but I'm a

00:56:13monster

00:56:16boys I

00:56:17love hanging out with boys

00:56:19oh a girl

00:56:21is touching me

00:56:25listen

00:56:25we all go through our friends dating

00:56:27bad people right once they're dating

00:56:29the like a good person it's great

00:56:30when they join the hang because

00:56:31you love them but you have to get

00:56:33to the right person by going

00:56:34through a bunch of pieces of shit

00:56:35next time Daniel goes to a hang

00:56:38bring weird Josh and be like

00:56:39you two would get along great

00:56:40and head to the bathroom

00:56:42this is your chance to make

00:56:44your friend's life better

00:56:45Daniel is a good thing

00:56:47in this situation

00:56:48I know what would make Daniel happy

00:56:51a visit from the tickle monster

00:56:53and that's time

00:56:57okay our next abolitionist

00:57:00previously abolished

00:57:02idiopathic pulmonary arterial hypertension

00:57:05please welcome

00:57:06Ben Doyle

00:57:26I've made some mistakes recently

00:57:30I don't know how many people lost loved ones

00:57:35thanks to my last performance here

00:57:41but their blood is on my hands

00:57:44and my blood is on my hands honestly

00:57:48my set was sponsored by a pharmaceutical drug

00:57:53called Corvexa

00:57:54which I believed was safe and effective

00:58:01at the time

00:58:02I thought it was so safe and effective

00:58:07that I consumed a great quantity of it on stage

00:58:13believing that it would make me immortal

00:58:18and shortly after stepping off of stage

00:58:20I was hospitalized

00:58:27but I lived

00:58:29I lived

00:58:30and I believe that I lived

00:58:32so that I could be here tonight

00:58:34to do one simple thing

00:58:37abolish Corvexa Biotech Holdings Limited

00:58:49now

00:58:49not to eschew my responsibility here

00:58:53but

00:58:54they did trick me

00:58:58most of what I said on stage last time

00:59:00was not actually written by me

00:59:04but was actually pull quotes from a book

00:59:07that they had given me

00:59:09and this book

00:59:10had a lot of lies in it

00:59:13okay

00:59:14it's on Amazon

00:59:15it's $3.99

00:59:18it makes some compelling arguments

00:59:21it does

00:59:21I took one look at this first chapter

00:59:24and I thought

00:59:26you know great

00:59:27I don't

00:59:28I don't need to read anymore

00:59:30at all

00:59:31and I called them up

00:59:33and booked them on Abolish Everything

00:59:34now

00:59:35it was not until

00:59:36my time in the ICU

00:59:38that I did in fact

00:59:39read further

00:59:40and this is when

00:59:41the cracks began to form

00:59:47so

00:59:48this actually does square

00:59:50with what the doctors

00:59:51had been telling me for months

00:59:53which is that Corvexa

00:59:54is basically just

00:59:55bleached

00:59:56in some really

00:59:57really strong

00:59:59painkillers

01:00:00and the rest of the book

01:00:03corroborates that as well

01:00:07it's really all

01:00:08just

01:00:10the

01:00:10it's all just

01:00:12it's all the bleach thing

01:00:14so

01:00:16long story short

01:00:18Corvexa

01:00:19does not

01:00:20cure any diseases at all

01:00:21and it will kill you

01:00:23and it would have killed me

01:00:26if not for this presentation

01:00:27sponsor Envira

01:00:32now

01:00:34thank you

01:00:35it saved my life

01:00:36it saved my life

01:00:39now this is a

01:00:40cutting edge

01:00:41pharmaceutical

01:00:42okay

01:00:44that can purge

01:00:45bleach from your body

01:00:46faster than any

01:00:47drug

01:00:48on the market

01:00:49okay

01:00:50it's really

01:00:52cutting edge

01:00:53and as a

01:00:53sign effect

01:00:54it will undo

01:00:55any of those

01:00:55nasty vaccines

01:00:56you got a couple

01:00:57of years ago

01:00:58which is pretty cool

01:01:00this thing is so

01:01:01effective that the

01:01:02doctors that were

01:01:03operating on me

01:01:04they did not

01:01:05want me having this

01:01:06stuff at all

01:01:10it scared them

01:01:12they knew it was

01:01:13going to put them

01:01:13out of a job

01:01:14and in fact

01:01:15they tried to stop me

01:01:17from even coming here

01:01:18to speak to you

01:01:19about this

01:01:21miraculous

01:01:22breakthrough in medicine

01:01:23they said

01:01:23you have to stay

01:01:24at the hospital

01:01:26but let's just say

01:01:28I slipped a little

01:01:28Renvira in my

01:01:29IV here

01:01:30and now I'm

01:01:30feeling

01:01:31great

01:01:33so

01:01:34in conclusion

01:01:37for Vexa

01:01:39it's gotta go

01:01:41and Renvira

01:01:42will chart

01:01:44our path forward

01:01:44to new

01:01:45healing

01:01:46okay

01:01:46and I'm very

01:01:47sorry

01:01:48for the people

01:01:49that died

01:01:51thank you

01:02:02Ben you said

01:02:03Corvexa tricked you

01:02:05and then you

01:02:06showed us

01:02:06the book

01:02:07it seems like

01:02:07you just didn't

01:02:08read the book

01:02:08they gave you

01:02:11well

01:02:15it was pretty

01:02:16hard to read

01:02:17past that

01:02:18first chapter

01:02:18and I think

01:02:19they knew that

01:02:20I think they knew

01:02:21what they were

01:02:21doing there

01:02:22and I just

01:02:22it was

01:02:23it was real

01:02:24nasty

01:02:25work of them

01:02:27to do that

01:02:27to me

01:02:28you were convinced

01:02:29can we go back

01:02:29to the first

01:02:30chapter

01:02:30I see at the

01:02:32bottom

01:02:32it's slightly

01:02:33cut off

01:02:33but I see

01:02:33the words

01:02:34Hillary Clinton

01:02:35yeah

01:02:38yeah that

01:02:39that part

01:02:39really got

01:02:40the blood

01:02:41pumping

01:02:43it made me

01:02:45angry

01:02:45and all

01:02:46kinds of

01:02:47stuff

01:02:47can we go

01:02:48to the next

01:02:49chapter

01:02:49there's this

01:02:50section here

01:02:50Hillary Clinton

01:02:51and her

01:02:52liberal media

01:02:52I call them

01:02:53Cleedia

01:02:54yeah

01:02:57yeah

01:02:57oh no

01:02:58yeah

01:02:58because of

01:02:59the clowns

01:03:00and media

01:03:00I didn't

01:03:01think that

01:03:02was very

01:03:02clever

01:03:03Ben

01:03:04I have a couple

01:03:05of concerns

01:03:05one for your

01:03:07health

01:03:08you know how

01:03:08people give

01:03:09power of attorney

01:03:10over their

01:03:10body and stuff

01:03:11I think you

01:03:12should give

01:03:12power of attorney

01:03:13to someone else

01:03:14other than you

01:03:14to make medical

01:03:15decisions for you

01:03:16because it's not

01:03:17going great

01:03:17and then also

01:03:18so now that

01:03:20we're riding

01:03:21the hobby horse

01:03:23of Renvira

01:03:24Renvira

01:03:24am I saying

01:03:25that right

01:03:25or is it

01:03:25Renvira

01:03:27Renvira

01:03:27great

01:03:28so it seems

01:03:29like Renvira

01:03:29can only exist

01:03:31because of

01:03:32Corvexa

01:03:34is the

01:03:36illness

01:03:36that

01:03:37Renvira

01:03:38is treating

01:03:39so if we're

01:03:40abolishing

01:03:41Corvexa

01:03:42is that

01:03:42not fully

01:03:44just negating

01:03:45your sponsorship

01:03:46by Renvira

01:03:47so aren't you

01:03:47actually doing

01:03:48a bad job

01:03:49being sponsored

01:03:50by them

01:03:50aren't they

01:03:50going to be

01:03:51angry at you

01:03:51right now

01:03:52for abolishing

01:03:52the reason

01:03:53their medication

01:03:53exists

01:03:54you know

01:03:55first of all

01:03:55to speak

01:03:56on this

01:03:56power of attorney

01:03:57I feel great

01:03:59I feel great

01:04:00to speak on

01:04:01this power of

01:04:01attorney thing

01:04:02this is the

01:04:02George Soros

01:04:03all over again

01:04:04he wants

01:04:05power of attorney

01:04:06over all of us

01:04:08and so I think

01:04:09we should be a little

01:04:09careful with what

01:04:11we do there

01:04:12as for

01:04:13you know

01:04:13the Renvira

01:04:14it does

01:04:15it purges the bleach

01:04:16it gets the Corvexa

01:04:17straight out of your system

01:04:18and like I said

01:04:18faster than any other

01:04:19drug on the market

01:04:20but I think it could

01:04:22heal almost

01:04:23everything

01:04:24you said that

01:04:24about Corvexa

01:04:25I think you're getting

01:04:27you're falling

01:04:28you know when someone

01:04:29like a friend of yours

01:04:29just keeps falling

01:04:30really hard and fast

01:04:31for different people

01:04:31and they keep getting

01:04:32love bombed

01:04:33and they're like

01:04:33this is the one

01:04:34Ben I think this is

01:04:35happening with you

01:04:36and the medication

01:04:38community

01:04:38you are falling in love

01:04:40with these medications

01:04:41and thinking they're

01:04:41going to solve

01:04:42all your problems

01:04:42it's not happening

01:04:43you're just going to

01:04:44keep dying slowly

01:04:45again and again

01:04:46I feel stronger

01:04:47than ever

01:04:48Ben

01:04:48Ben do you know

01:04:50what killed Elvis

01:04:50do you know

01:04:51what killed Elvis

01:04:52uppers and downers

01:04:53like a peanut butter

01:04:53and jelly sandwich

01:04:54no not a peanut butter

01:04:56Ben look at me

01:04:57uppers and downers

01:04:58uppers and downers

01:04:59bleach no bleach

01:05:00bleach no bleach

01:05:00you are dying

01:05:01you're killing yourself

01:05:02stop selling us

01:05:03medications

01:05:04it's not good

01:05:05it's not good

01:05:06it's not going to work

01:05:06you're going to die

01:05:07on this stage

01:05:08no it is good

01:05:09thank you Jamie

01:05:10thank you Jamie

01:05:11it is good

01:05:11and let me tell you why

01:05:14as we all know

01:05:15I work in the government

01:05:16I run the Navy for Girls

01:05:18thank you

01:05:20and thankfully

01:05:21because I didn't talk

01:05:23about an internship

01:05:24I had with

01:05:24Malene Maxwell

01:05:25or whatever her name is

01:05:26I was told I was a good girl

01:05:29and I got another extra job

01:05:32in the government

01:05:32which is

01:05:33national medicine person

01:05:34so

01:05:36what is super exciting

01:05:38is that

01:05:39you know

01:05:40we have a perfect example

01:05:42of a healthy person

01:05:44thanks to Jamie's

01:05:45new hospital medicine

01:05:48Corvexa and Renvira

01:05:49are actually named

01:05:50after my best friends

01:05:51from high school

01:05:55medicine is more expensive

01:05:56than ever

01:05:57but luckily

01:05:58we're doing new promo code stuff

01:05:59with HelloFresh

01:06:00so

01:06:03thank you for your service Jamie

01:06:05and I love your TikToks

01:06:07thank you

01:06:07ah

01:06:08man my friend

01:06:10you said

01:06:12eschew responsibility

01:06:13I love eschew

01:06:21I don't like feet anymore

01:06:25because that's normal now

01:06:30so Ben

01:06:32thoughts?

01:06:34and that's time

01:06:39are you ready for your final evolutionist of the night?

01:06:46our final abolitionist

01:06:48previously abolished bugs

01:06:49and also how people react

01:06:51when he tells them

01:06:52he hasn't seen the Shawshank Redemption

01:06:53and more specifically

01:06:54mosquitoes and flies

01:06:56give it up for

01:06:57Martin Herlihy

01:07:06today I would like to abolish hangovers

01:07:13and also

01:07:14Jeffrey Epstein's associates

01:07:23but if I'm being totally honest

01:07:25and I don't love this about myself

01:07:29but if I had to pick only one

01:07:35it would be hangovers

01:07:43let's first establish some terms

01:07:47when I say Jeffrey Epstein's associates

01:07:51I'm referring to the people he committed sex crimes with

01:07:55I'm not referring to the people he merely happened to manage money for

01:08:00so there's no need to worry normal Josh

01:08:11and if you can imagine

01:08:13I changed that before you took your fucking shirt off

01:08:21now you cannot relax

01:08:27but these people need to be held accountable

01:08:29these associates of Mr. Jeff Epstein

01:08:32and it's not just about Trump

01:08:34okay

01:08:35we Democrats

01:08:38we Democrats

01:08:39when I wrote this

01:08:40I assumed that there would be no Republicans

01:08:44at a nebula taping at caveat

01:08:51had a taping of abolish everything

01:08:58which I believe is what Sliwa said Mom Donnie was trying to do

01:09:06he's trying to abolish everything

01:09:12okay we Democrats

01:09:14we have to face some hard truths

01:09:16about the Epstein files right

01:09:18Bill Clinton is not the shining example

01:09:22of sexual immorality

01:09:23that we all thought that he was

01:09:30secondly Larry Summers is bad

01:09:33to whomever he may be

01:09:38but regardless of political orientation

01:09:40these people need to face consequences

01:09:43they need to face a court and be sentenced to jail

01:09:47or at least face the court of public opinion

01:09:49and be sentenced to the Austin podcasting circuit

01:09:54I myself can be hypocritical when it comes to holding the powerful accountable

01:09:57I stop listening to Ariel Pink because he voted for Trump

01:10:02and meanwhile I play I'll Be Missing You by P. Diddy

01:10:05on the church Sonos at my own grandfather's funeral

01:10:08I stop watching Dave Chappelle's specials

01:10:16because of his comments about trans people

01:10:18and because they're not funny at all

01:10:21and I've met him in real life

01:10:22and his vibe is awful

01:10:24but yet I still watch Rush Hour

01:10:29at least once or twice a day

01:10:31even though Chris Tucker

01:10:34and this is real

01:10:35this was in the news

01:10:36he was on the Lolita Express

01:10:38Jeffrey Epstein's airplane

01:10:40with the Jordan Pippen and Rodman of sexual maniacs

01:10:44I don't matter our personal inconsistencies

01:10:51I think all of us except for Weird Josh can agree

01:10:58didn't think he'd be here

01:11:01sex crimes are bad

01:11:04yeah

01:11:07and Epstein's friends and protectors

01:11:09need to be removed from positions of power

01:11:12okay

01:11:12yeah

01:11:16that being said

01:11:19and I'm not proud of this

01:11:22so best we keep it between us

01:11:27but I would rather be able to drink 40 beers

01:11:30and still be A-OK the next day

01:11:36I gotta be honest

01:11:40and I know what you're gonna say

01:11:41you're gonna say

01:11:42oh if you don't wanna be hungover

01:11:44just don't drink

01:11:46shut the fuck up

01:11:49oh oh no thanks

01:11:51I don't need to drink to have fun

01:11:53oh well good for you

01:11:55well you know what I do

01:11:59alright I grew up Catholic

01:12:03if I can't drink

01:12:05how am I supposed to work up the courage

01:12:07to have sex with my girlfriend

01:12:09of three years

01:12:14I don't need to drink

01:12:16alright have fun

01:12:17great

01:12:17have fun playing Settlers of Catan

01:12:20or whatever the fuck

01:12:24meanwhile I'll be having the time of my life

01:12:26at karaoke

01:12:27singing I'll Be Missing You

01:12:29by the artist formerly known as

01:12:32inmate 37452

01:12:38dash 054

01:12:41in conclusion

01:12:42you know I'd love to abolish both

01:12:45if I could

01:12:47but if I'm being totally honest

01:12:49if it had to be one

01:12:51it would be the one that directly affects me

01:12:54once a week

01:12:56and if I'm being really honest

01:12:59it's four times a week

01:13:03alright that's the presentation

01:13:13Martin you know how like on the internet

01:13:14if you wanna get

01:13:16the most responses

01:13:18you should say the wrong thing

01:13:19right

01:13:19and people comment and correct you

01:13:21you get the most responses

01:13:22if you say the wrong thing

01:13:23so I have to imagine

01:13:24that you wanting us

01:13:27to defend sex crimes

01:13:28because you are presenting something

01:13:29that we're supposed to then defend

01:13:31and you had a whole slide

01:13:32that says sex crimes are bad

01:13:34so you want me

01:13:35to say that sex crimes are good

01:13:36right

01:13:37that's the dynamic that you want here

01:13:38you want to set us up

01:13:39so we have to do that

01:13:40I don't think anyone wants to hear

01:13:42you say sex crimes are good

01:13:44I thought that was in your presentation

01:13:45are we not on abolish everything

01:13:46and we are part of the political establishment

01:13:48so it's my job to rebut

01:13:49me a woman

01:13:49you want me to say

01:13:51that sex crimes are good

01:13:51because you had a whole ass slide

01:13:53that said that

01:13:53nothing else on it

01:13:54that sex crimes are bad

01:13:55is that what you want

01:13:55you want four people

01:13:56to tell you that sex crimes are good

01:13:57are you not the pervert for that

01:13:59don't play dumb Martin

01:14:00none of us have met Dave Chappelle

01:14:02but you have

01:14:08I want to hear his response

01:14:10oh

01:14:10and then I'll say something naughty

01:14:16I'm sorry

01:14:17you're saying of the five of us

01:14:18I'm the sexual pervert

01:14:23the shirtless man

01:14:24who said he would say

01:14:25something naughty

01:14:28oh Josh

01:14:29you're shirtless

01:14:31and he's hard

01:14:33oh

01:14:40listen little boy

01:14:43now

01:14:44you said I like sex crimes

01:14:46I don't like sex crimes

01:14:48I've only ever committed

01:14:49one crime of romance

01:14:51and that is stealing

01:14:53a beautiful queen's heart

01:14:55m'lady

01:14:59also

01:15:00you said normal Josh

01:15:02was an associate of Jeff Epstein

01:15:04well that's true

01:15:05but I am an associate of someone

01:15:07and that is Saddam Hussein

01:15:12he's a wonderful man

01:15:14he managed your money

01:15:17or what

01:15:19well we played hopscotch

01:15:21ah

01:15:23Martin

01:15:24Martin

01:15:25Martin

01:15:25you

01:15:26are an evil genius

01:15:27you're an evil genius

01:15:29abolish hangovers

01:15:31and Jeffrey Epstein's associates

01:15:33but if you're being totally honest

01:15:35you don't love this about yourself

01:15:37and you had to pick one

01:15:38it would be hangovers

01:15:39if you win this show tonight

01:15:42hangovers are abolished

01:15:44Epstein's associates walk free

01:15:46if you lose tonight

01:15:48hangovers remain

01:15:50and Epstein's associates walk free

01:15:57I bet Chappelle loved your ass

01:16:06you win Andy

01:16:08and that's time

01:16:12can we please

01:16:13get all of our abolitionists

01:16:15back to the stage

01:16:16give it up

01:16:18one more time

01:16:19Alex Crocus

01:16:21Macy Gilliam

01:16:23Martin Urbano

01:16:25Jason Siegel

01:16:27Chinna Icaro

01:16:30Ben Doyle

01:16:32and Martin Herlihy

01:16:36for the final time this season

01:16:38we will be determining by audience acclaim

01:16:40who is the winner of tonight's show

01:16:42and that will be determined

01:16:43as always

01:16:44by our proprietary piece of abolish everything technology

01:16:47the Chirometer 3000

01:16:53we have also placed

01:16:55multiple backup Chirometers

01:16:56throughout the room

01:16:57to ensure a balanced reading

01:16:59so as always

01:17:00cheer for as many people as you like

01:17:02and the winner will receive

01:17:03this cartoonish sack of cash

01:17:05and the gift of being immortalized

01:17:07on the Maeve Dunnegan Memorial

01:17:09while she's still alive

01:17:15who thinks that we should abolish

01:17:17whistling in public

01:17:23who thinks that we should abolish

01:17:25there not being a season pass

01:17:26to the Javits Center

01:17:32who thinks we should abolish

01:17:33the deal with airport food

01:17:39who thinks that we should abolish

01:17:41fortune cookie fortunes

01:17:42not being fortunes

01:17:47great

01:17:48who thinks we should abolish

01:17:50bringing your boyfriend

01:17:50to the hang unexpectedly

01:17:55who thinks that we should abolish

01:17:57Corvexa

01:18:03and who thinks that we should abolish

01:18:07hangovers

01:18:08and Jeffrey Epstein's associates

01:18:09but if Martin's being really honest

01:18:11and he doesn't like that about himself

01:18:12it would just be hangovers

01:18:17okay

01:18:18Martin Urbano

01:18:19and Jason Siegel

01:18:20please step forward

01:18:24give it up one more time

01:18:25for all of our abolitionists

01:18:31all right

01:18:33who thinks that we should abolish

01:18:35the deal with airport food

01:18:45and who thinks we should abolish

01:18:48fortune cookie fortunes

01:18:49that aren't really fortunes

01:19:01my friends

01:19:02we have abolished

01:19:04fortune cookie fortunes

01:19:05that aren't really fortunes

01:19:08congratulations

01:19:09to Jason Siegel

01:19:13go get your fortune

01:19:14from the winner's ball

01:19:22give it up one more time

01:19:23for all of our abolitionists

01:19:28a hearty fuck you

01:19:29to the political establishment

01:19:34and thank you for watching

01:19:36on Nebula

01:19:40goodnight

01:19:42hold on

01:19:43wait

01:19:43just one thing

01:19:44Brielle just wanted

01:19:45we just wanted to

01:19:45tell you something

01:19:46really really quickly

01:19:47okay right now

01:19:47we're on our way

01:19:48to the airport

01:19:49to film a brand new

01:19:50travel comedy series

01:19:51from Wendover Productions

01:19:52and it's called

01:19:52Brielle D'Emergence

01:19:54Going Places

01:19:55we're literally gonna go

01:19:56we're gonna go places

01:19:57we're going places

01:19:58if you're interested in that

01:19:59if you want to check it out

01:20:00keep your eye on Nebula

01:20:01it's coming out later this year

01:20:02and we are just like

01:20:03we're so excited about it

01:20:04we're so stoked

01:20:05oh my god

01:20:06okay thank you for listening

01:20:06thank you

01:20:07enjoy the rest of the abolished credits

01:20:08they're great

01:20:09can't wait to see you

01:20:09okay see you soon

01:20:45go

01:20:46go

01:20:47go

01:20:48go

01:20:49go

01:20:50go

01:20:51go

01:20:52go

01:20:52You

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