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00:08Hold it!
00:14New glasses.
00:20Dwight, what a ridiculous fancy clown you are.
00:24I am dressed according to the shrewd codes of mourning.
00:27My Aunt Shirley has died.
00:30Oh, Dwight, I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
00:33I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other.
00:35I raised myself.
00:37She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
00:39My actual mother was very cold and distant.
00:42I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
00:45My condolences.
00:46Keep them.
00:47Okay. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
00:49In keeping with shrewd custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral
00:53by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face,
00:57or I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief
01:00with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
01:08What color is it?
01:10It looks pretty black.
01:20Yep. Acidic, all right.
01:25Oh, thank God.
01:27Excuse me?
01:28Oh, I'm so sorry, Dwight.
01:29And if you want me to be there, of course I will go.
01:33Let's just have a personal training session.
01:35Okay, that's okay.
01:39I get red dirt.
01:41Nobody is getting red dirt.
01:42I should have kept my mouth shut.
01:44We're not even that close.
01:46I've only known Dwight twelve years.
01:48Twelve years.
01:50Time is a son of a bitch.
01:56I'm sure...
01:57I'm sure she's in a better place.
02:00I really hope so.
02:05Okay.
02:06Now this is crazy.
02:07You can't make a dirt ball...
02:10I miss her so much.
02:11Okay.
02:12You know?
02:41I know.
02:43A bright golden haze on the meadow, a bright golden haze on the meadow.
02:51Zeke's here.
02:53Zeke!
02:54Hey, Dwight.
02:56Mother's mom says hi.
02:58Hi to mom.
03:00You going?
03:02Will there be ghosts there?
03:03You know I can't say for sure.
03:05I better not risk it.
03:08Get in the sidecar.
03:11Get in the sidecar.
03:12You get in the sidecar.
03:13Get.
03:24What are you doing here?
03:25You invited me.
03:26You threw the red dirt in my face.
03:29Oh, yeah.
03:32Who is that?
03:33Jeb, my brother.
03:35You have a brother?
03:36Mm-hmm.
03:37I didn't really see a better parking spot.
03:39Oh!
03:41Look what I did.
03:44That's a rental.
03:52You want to go in?
03:53No, you didn't.
03:54You want to go in?
03:55I'll put you in there.
03:56Okay, I'll put you.
03:57Here we go.
03:58Oh!
03:58Oh!
03:59Oh!
03:59Oh!
04:03Oh, gosh.
04:04Hey, moon face.
04:05Nice to see those shiny little Chinese eyes of yours.
04:10Who's this guy?
04:11Bad.
04:12Hi, all.
04:13Why are you here, Todd?
04:14Okay.
04:15Let's get right to it.
04:16I guess.
04:18My name is Todd Packer, and I am in recovery.
04:21I'm working the steps.
04:22I'm on Step 8 of Alcoholics Anonymous, Step 9 of Narcotics Anonymous.
04:27I'm here to make amends.
04:29I've been hard to deal with over the past years.
04:33Kind of a jerk.
04:34I know it.
04:35I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
04:40Packer, we accept.
04:42Wait.
04:43No, no, no, wait.
04:44Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this, and I have to go through examples
04:48of stuff.
04:49Okay, uh, where to begin?
04:51Hey.
04:52Pam Pam and her Pam Pams.
04:54Wow, I have said some crude things about those.
04:59But they are beautiful.
05:01And I guess that's why I acted out.
05:05Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you.
05:08And personified your breasts.
05:11Sorry, guys.
05:14Oh, boy.
05:16I have not been nice to you.
05:20Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size.
05:24To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings.
05:28Actually, that goes to all you XXLs.
05:31Stanley, Kevin, this kid in a few years.
05:35Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
05:40Why can't I just be nice?
05:42Truth is, I really like you guys.
05:45I really do.
05:47Okay, the apology's just half of it.
05:50The big thing is making amends.
05:52And that's why I brought these.
05:54I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes.
05:58From that place, Nipples.
06:00I think it's called Nibbles.
06:02Ha!
06:02The mind sees what it wants to, huh?
06:05Hm?
06:05Oh, there you go.
06:12Hey, hey, guys.
06:14Wait.
06:15Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference
06:21room.
06:21Don't eat the cupcake.
06:24We are here today to join this woman on the ground.
06:31Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
06:39It's crap soil.
06:41Nothing's gonna grow here.
06:42Doesn't matter.
06:43It's a cemetery.
06:44Yeah, well, I'm saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
06:46No, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
06:48That's fine, because they're not gonna grow.
06:50Well, I thank God they're not, because we don't wanna make zombies.
06:54Good.
06:55I agree.
06:55Don't worry about it.
06:56You won't get any.
06:57Would the family care to say something?
07:03You had black hair and then gray hair.
07:09You were the aunt to my cousins.
07:11Most of your life, you were five foot four.
07:14At the end, you were five foot one.
07:19You drove a Volkswagen.
07:25They were descriptive people.
07:27You were my sister.
07:29The possessions that were yours now fall to me.
07:34And if today's open house goes well, then...
07:38Has everyone met my realtor, David?
07:41Then I will be able to leave this place in style.
07:45Surely, you made me very happy.
07:49This is our family?
07:51That's exactly the way I feel.
07:55See, you started without me.
07:56You were late.
07:57So, what am I supposed to do?
08:00Hi, Fanny.
08:00Hey.
08:01Who is that?
08:03Dwight's sister.
08:04Dwight has a sister?
08:05Yeah.
08:06She's beautiful.
08:08Blah.
08:10Hello, little man.
08:11I haven't seen you in a few years.
08:14What?
08:15What is...
08:15Oh, God.
08:17What are you...
08:18Come on.
08:21Henry?
08:22What?
08:23I see Esther's back in town.
08:26Hi, Dwight.
08:27Hi, Esther.
08:28Nice of you to come today.
08:30This was on the way.
08:31We're going into town after.
08:34I need yarn.
08:35Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter
08:40those chickens?
08:43We're at a funeral.
08:44There's a funeral going on here.
08:46Okay.
08:47Anyone mention her height?
08:49Yep.
08:50Land size?
08:54Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area, sharing borders with six
09:00other farms, including my own farm and your nephew Dwight's.
09:07Okay.
09:11Good luck finding some yarn.
09:15I'd like to say something, um, other than just facts.
09:22Aunt Shirley, I have so many wonderful memories that I can draw from, but the one that really
09:30comes to mind is when you, uh, when you taught me how to ride a pony from...
09:37Hello.
09:38Are you kidding me?
09:39It's my B&B guests.
09:40You were so patient with me and so kind, and it just...
09:44Good.
09:44No one treated me like that.
09:45Oh, you know what?
09:46I can see you right now, actually.
09:47You're going around the curve, right?
09:49You held my hand as we walked around.
09:50Look out on the big field, on the big green field.
09:52You see me waving my arms?
09:53I mean...
09:54That's me out.
09:55Okay.
09:55No, no.
09:56Okay, you're heading in the wrong direction.
09:57I love you, Aunt Shirley.
09:58You want to turn around, get onto Shrut Valley Road.
10:01You won't be missed.
10:02No, it's not marked.
10:03There is a sign that says Feces Street, but that's more of a historical marker.
10:07Oh, my...
10:07No, that's the wrong way.
10:09You're...
10:09You're...
10:09No...
10:11Hello?
10:13No bars.
10:14Oh.
10:16Okay, you know what?
10:17I need to wrap this up.
10:18Let's get it going.
10:21Would you want to do the honors?
10:23Oh, right.
10:24Uh...
10:24You know, I don't...
10:25I don't think we have to do this.
10:27We shroots don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead.
10:31But there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers, and when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on
10:38the inside of some of the coffins,
10:40we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead.
10:44Out of kindness.
10:53That's it for me.
10:59I don't think we should eat Packer's cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction.
11:02I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense, but they're also really
11:07fluffy.
11:08We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And he still is.
11:14How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
11:17$3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
11:21I never forget a number. Names in one ear and off the other. Places, nope. Faces. That's rich.
11:28But numbers, I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.
11:36Hey, man. I don't think we met. I'm Clark.
11:39Oh, Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat little runt earlier.
11:44You didn't actually say that.
11:46No? No. Wow.
11:49I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head.
11:56Hey, I have a crazy feeling that you are really gonna like this.
12:01Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to pack her?
12:05I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank, and you did fire him.
12:09I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.
12:12Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
12:15Do they even have a bakery anymore?
12:17They do. It's awful. And it's getting worse every day.
12:20So it really is just about the cupcakes.
12:23Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.
12:27So we're all agreed no one touches those cupcakes?
12:32Okay. Okay. Packer can go to hell.
12:37Fanny, how's Boston? Seeing anyone in particular?
12:41No, not in a while.
12:42Getting any stoop-shtoop in the old cling-clong?
12:45Yes. Yes, thank you so much. Thank you for asking.
12:49Why don't we talk about your worm farm, Private?
12:52Ooh.
12:53After I left the army, I bought a nine-acre worm farm from a Californian.
12:59Turns out, worm means something else out there,
13:04and I am now in the business of pain management,
13:10or the smoking of pain management.
13:15I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer.
13:18He could have grown anything, anything in the world.
13:21He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid.
13:25One plant, one sandwich.
13:28I bet he could have done it, too.
13:31Okay, well, I'm just a regular farmer.
13:34That's not at all what the federal government would say.
13:37No.
13:38The federal government? That's a big combination of words.
13:41Ah! Welcome. You must be the Haskins.
13:44I'm glad you finally found the place. Come on.
13:47Haskins, of course. Yes, Haskins.
13:50I have your reservation right here.
13:51Is there some event going on here?
13:54Oh, just a little funeral reception.
13:56Maybe there's another in nearby.
13:58No, no, no, it's okay. It's just finishing up.
14:00Let's clear it up, everybody. We're done. We're out of here.
14:04Shoes old. It's no big deal.
14:07I can offer you the irrigation room upstairs
14:10or the newly renovated transportation-themed room
14:14right out there.
14:16Listen, what type of feathers are in the pillows?
14:20I believe the duck was a Christian,
14:22if that's what you're asking.
14:23My husband is allergic to goose down.
14:26So we need to make sure there's no goose down in the pillows.
14:29Zeke, empty all the pillows!
14:31You are.
14:32And you did receive our fax on our dietary restrictions.
14:37Yep.
14:39It's just a fatal allergy,
14:41so we have to be extra careful.
14:44Huh.
14:49Enjoy your stay.
14:51It's probably just peanuts, right?
14:53That's the new trendy allergy.
14:54How is it that you're in the hospitality business?
14:56It's like you're actively inhospitable to these people.
14:59When you're running a farm, every little bit helps.
15:02I'd hoped that the bed and breakfast would thrive.
15:04I don't know. Maybe it's the economy.
15:06Or maybe the guests can sense how much I hate them.
15:10And if you're looking for a getaway that's near the Poconos,
15:13but not in them, try Schrute Farms.
15:16Thank you for coming to my funeral.
15:20As I gaze at life's big sunset,
15:23I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong.
15:26You've all disappointed me greatly.
15:29Fanny, a single mama in the city.
15:33Jeb, a street pusher.
15:36Smart woman.
15:37We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear.
15:42So here are my terms.
15:44Dwight, Fanny, Jeb.
15:45If you come back home, I will leave you my farm.
15:51But it has to be all three of you.
15:53Heinrich, if they agree, you get nothing.
15:56So there you have it.
15:58Is she crazy?
16:00Dwight.
16:00Dwight, buddy.
16:01No, no, no.
16:02Snap out of it.
16:03Dwight.
16:08Let's do this.
16:09Let's run at Shirley's farm.
16:11I'm in.
16:11Boom.
16:12No, no, no.
16:13I'm not moving back here.
16:14Are you crazy?
16:14Of course you are.
16:15Look, I don't want to be mean or, like, insulting.
16:17I know that you like it here.
16:18But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain sort of sophistication.
16:24Oh, my God.
16:24That Cammie and I are drawn to.
16:26And the...
16:26I don't know.
16:27The men are just...
16:30It's almost like there's a...
16:32a willing ignorance.
16:34Yes, I...
16:35Thank you for asking me.
16:36I actually have written a little bit of poetry.
16:39That's crazy.
16:40And I was recently published, which is just...
16:43Maybe I have...
16:45Yep.
16:45I do.
16:45Here it is.
16:46From the HartfordWomensLitQuarterly.com.
16:51A Willing Ignorance by Fanny Schrute.
16:57Totally.
16:58Yep.
16:58The people here are like...
17:01Like a fart.
17:02You know what I'm saying?
17:04Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.
17:09A couple of nights couldn't hurt.
17:10Oh, somehow I think a couple of nights could hurt.
17:12You will say yes on one.
17:13Five, four, three, two.
17:15Get ready to say yes.
17:16One.
17:17Yes.
17:18Absolutely.
17:20Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy.
17:24Dwight was obviously the cool one.
17:26And Mose was the visionary.
17:28Which left me to be the comedian.
17:32That doesn't work on me, by the way.
17:34That's not...
17:35Quatre, trois, deux, un.
17:38Oui, un, un.
17:39Oui, un.
17:40Oui.
17:50Very clever.
17:51Congratulations.
17:52I'm getting the farm really happy for you kids.
17:55Yeah.
17:55But you're not gonna have any more of them city comforts, your yoga parties, your bathhouses.
18:01I'll tell you, the farm is a hard place for a homosexual.
18:05I am a screaming heterosexual.
18:08Oh!
18:10Ha!
18:10I just assumed that salon haircut.
18:13No wife in your choice to live on a gay farm.
18:17That's right.
18:19Every last one of us gay is the moon.
18:23I thought you just said that this wasn't a gay farm.
18:26What are you talking about?
18:28Never mind.
18:30Here we go.
18:32The soil's radioactive.
18:34Okay, that's great.
18:36Considering your old age and proximity to death, you might want to save some of your last words for people
18:40who are actually listening to you.
18:42Fair enough.
18:42As long as you know, if you take this farm from me, I'm gonna kill you.
18:47Gulp.
18:49So, who's up for a farm tour, huh?
18:53Oh, isn't this nice?
18:55Gorgeous day, right?
18:56Oh, look.
18:57Here is our well.
18:59I believe a young lady's first kiss might have happened here or at a place just like it.
19:04Ah, youth, it dances in the brain, does it not?
19:08Oh, God, what are you doing?
19:09Oh, what am I doing?
19:11People underestimate the power of nostalgia.
19:14If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to
19:18get my siblings to care about the farm.
19:21Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses, second only to the neck.
19:25Can you tell us something about what we're seeing?
19:28Oh, man.
19:30Really?
19:30Okay.
19:30This is a path or a road.
19:32It's made of dirt.
19:33We might widen it.
19:34Okay.
19:35For goodness sakes.
19:36Around this bend, we actually have one of the last natural oak forests in the state.
19:43Weird.
19:44What happened to all those gorgeous trees?
19:47They've all been cut down is the thing.
19:50Darn it!
19:51Gosh!
19:53Hell got chopped down!
19:54Yeah.
19:55Apparently oak is fetching quite a fair amount on the market by poachers.
20:03Who likes beets?
20:05We do!
20:06Oh, my goodness.
20:08The fence is falling apart.
20:10And if you lived here, we could fix it together as brothers.
20:14Why don't you just get Moes to do it?
20:16Moes always builds the fences around himself, and I have to rip it down to let him out.
20:20Hey, uh, I just want to say I'm sorry for screwing you.
20:24I'm not sorry about it.
20:26I am.
20:27It was my rock bottom.
20:33Kevin, you can do this.
20:36You don't know that.
20:37Kevin?
20:37Um, let's think of something to distract us, like the movie Skyfall.
20:41You loved the movie Skyfall, right?
20:43Mm-hmm.
20:45James Bond was a spy.
20:46Yes, he was a good spy.
20:48Yeah, he was the best.
20:51James Bond would love this cupcake.
20:53Hey, you know what?
20:54It was, uh, great to see you all again.
20:58Take care.
21:02I am going through a 12-step program.
21:05I'm currently on step zero, which is have a load of fun.
21:11I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting
21:16and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not, some laxative, some constipating.
21:23You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.
21:29Guys, I'm proud of us.
21:32I think we did the right thing.
21:34Hey!
21:36What, Pam?
21:37Wait!
21:37He's gone.
21:38It's just a cupcake now.
21:40No, no.
21:40It's the principle of the thing.
21:42Oh, my God.
21:44I forgive him so much.
21:49Whoa, is he choking?
21:50Kevin?
22:03Oh, that was fantastic.
22:07Well, look at this.
22:08A boy in the wilderness.
22:09How picturesque.
22:11Nice to meet you.
22:15All right, let's continue.
22:17Okay?
22:18Okay?
22:19Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
22:20Come here.
22:21I was gonna talk to you for one second.
22:23Are you trying to put me out of business?
22:24Are you sure you're in business?
22:26Very funny.
22:27The handshake.
22:27That gross wilting of your limb.
22:29It's disgusting.
22:31People come here to have gruff farmer handshakes.
22:34You understand?
22:35If they want handshakes like that, they can go to the ballet.
22:37I shake hands fine.
22:38No, you do not shake hands fine.
22:39Here's how you shake hands.
22:40Extend your hand to me.
22:41Firmly.
22:42Look me in the eye.
22:43Now, grasp my hand.
22:44Squeeze it.
22:45I am.
22:46No, you're not.
22:47Hurt me.
22:48Do it.
22:49I don't...
22:50I don't want to hurt you.
22:56Squeeze it hard.
22:57Uncle Dwight!
22:58Squeeze it or it will kill you.
22:59What do I do?
23:00Kill it.
23:00Squeeze it.
23:01Choke it.
23:02Dwight, no.
23:03Are you okay?
23:04What is wrong with you?
23:06Relax.
23:06It doesn't even have fangs.
23:12What are you doing to...
23:13That's it.
23:14We're leaving.
23:15First thing in the morning.
23:17Unbelievable.
23:18Watch out.
23:20That sucks, huh?
23:23Game over on that one, right?
23:24I know.
23:25It's not over.
23:26I can't stay here either.
23:28I have a...
23:28I have a really killer harvest this year.
23:31I'm gonna make a lot of money.
23:32I'm sorry, man.
23:33I know you wanted the barn.
23:34Come here, man.
23:36They sound like me.
23:40I'm gonna do it.
23:40I won't go.
23:54Come here, you see.
23:56We're over here.
23:56I have a many worth of money.
23:56You give me a lot of money.
23:56We're over here.
23:58We're over here.
23:58We're over here.
23:58We're over here.
24:03Oh, you're over here.
24:04A couple of more money.
24:04I'm gonna get a little more money.
24:12is that a guillotine this no that'd be cool though it's for milking
24:21that's a cow did you just ask me if this was a cow
24:28what are you doing now come here come on
24:36grab a teat with each hand sit down there you go squeeze from top to bottom really
24:44pull use some muscle draw the milk out all right going all right i don't know
24:50well is the utter hot is the milk clumpy i don't know any of that okay you suck at this
24:56give me those teats can your father teach you anything i never met him
25:07is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them yes very you really need to stand back because
25:12these are killer chickens i was just asking you something i didn't know which is fine and you
25:18learned something but it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little
25:27bet
25:28are we gonna eat these today if you want mom says there's nothing as good as these firm eggs
25:37she said that
25:42here i was appealing to her mind but nostalgia is buried in the senses
25:47just wait till my sister gets a whiff of my eggs and as for jeb yes hello uh i would
25:54like to report
25:55an illegal marijuana farm in northern california this is for the owner's own good
25:59mm-hmm and afterwards i'd like to be connected to the pentagon in an entirely different matter
26:05about something i saw in the sky good morning aaron hey
26:15hey everybody um i decided to eat my cupcake i thought about it last night i talked to jim i
26:23talked to my sister and i think that as long as todd packer doesn't know it's okay i don't care
26:28what
26:29you do pam just please stop making noise phyllis packer lace the cupcakes no did you get diarrhea
26:36or were you stoned some of us got both oh my god is everyone okay last night i got out
26:42all of my
26:42old dolls and played with them on the living room floor then i ordered 10 american girl outfits online
26:49it was thousands of dollars you'll count yourself lucky for this i got the toilet me too i went christmas
26:58caroling in march and i fertilized some bushes along the way so not my best night but not my worst
27:05night
27:06what did you do andy
27:12last night oh god um i don't know not nothing really kevin why would you ask me i'm not i'm
27:21not
27:21i just i don't know no gosh i actually it is hard to recall um pretty normal night my night
27:34was just
27:35like that yep okay meaning normal yeah i didn't see you last night at all nope i did not see
27:46you either
27:50wow he is officially the worst human being
27:57but kevin that's yeah no i understand pam i understand
28:08the scene was incredible john the biggest raid in years as police discovered over six tons of
28:15marijuana the land has now been confiscated and the fields will be burned
28:22oh good morning didn't see you there and here we are just like every morning have a seat thank you
28:28let me look and welcome i hope you like the freshest farm eggs you've ever imagined in your
28:36life are those the eggs i collected not relevant you collected eggs i got them this morning okay he
28:42didn't really help he collected like four eggs five five is like four it's the same thing did you use
28:47the milk that i milked you squeezed like eight pumps out of a goat oh fanny i remember how much
28:53you
28:53like bacon i liked ham but i have ham cut into thin strips and prepared in the style of bacon
29:00what is this white rice tada hey you know what's weird um i've been thinking that being around this place
29:12is kind of what it's all about i have decided to stay and work on the family farm
29:22so 180 let's farm this whole slut of a farm sounds like you and i are in yeah oh too
29:31bad about fanny
29:32though too bad unless no
29:39eggs bacon biscuits and steak okay for you that'll do oh for god's sake she could change her mind
29:47not gonna change my mind no it doesn't work on me you guys so that's it i just wanted to
29:55make amends
30:01that's big of you man it takes a lot of courage ooh red velvet i should apologize too it's okay
30:09i'm over it
30:29this is no nine acre worm farm this is a beast whoever's managing this thing is gonna have a hell
30:37of a job
30:37uh-huh not it not it not it it
30:47if your kid doesn't put in some farm time he's gonna stay like that all right fine
31:33so i forgot about this old custom if a man is interested in
31:37courting a woman he may throw the beaks of a crow at her and then if she's interested in accepting
31:44the courtship she has to destroy the beaks
31:54when we arrive
31:56when we arrive sons and daughters we'll make our homes
32:00we'll fill our mouths
32:05we'll fill our mouths
32:07we'll fill our mouths
32:08now
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