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15:56Trans 스타일zer
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15:57If you think that's bad, I just bought an apartment in Dubai.
16:05If you think that's bad, my cloud got hacked
16:08and my nudes were so unsexy, they got grok to get me dressed.
16:13If you think that's bad, I just bought non-refundable tickets
16:16to take Timothee Chalamet to the ballet if he won an Oscar.
16:20If you think that's bad, my children are so addicted to screens at the moment,
16:24the only way I can get them out for a walk
16:25is to lure them out of the house with the router.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:33We can only... Yeah, we can only walk to a 50-metre extension.
16:3650-metre radius, yeah.
16:37An extension of some sort.
16:40If you think that's bad, I've had so many kids.
16:42Now the hospital named some stirrups in my honour.
16:47Do you think that's bad?
16:48I had to tell my wife that our skybox is broken
16:51and I was unable to record last week's episode
16:53in order to stop her from watching the derogatory comments you lot made
16:58about what was going on between me and a French exchange student.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:05APPLAUSE
17:13The next round is called Running Out of He-He-He-He-Heating Oil.
17:17LAUGHTER
17:20This game involves Sarah and Scott.
17:23If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
17:25This round is a stand-up challenge.
17:26I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses,
17:28stop one of our performers and step forward and talk about that subject.
17:31The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
17:33OK, here we go.
17:34Let's have our first topic, please.
17:37And the first topic is ambition.
17:39Who has to come with that?
17:40Sarah.
17:42So, I've been thinking a lot recently about Paula Radcliffe,
17:45because it's 20 years ago this year.
17:48Paula Radcliffe, of course, an incredible athlete, exceptional woman.
17:5320 years ago, she was running the London Marathon and she, yeah,
17:57you remember now.
17:59LAUGHTER
17:59So, you know, she needed the toilet and she didn't want to lose
18:02the time that it would take to go and do it sort of privately.
18:04And, you know, they're filming it, it's live television.
18:07And so she crouched down at the side of the road and she did it.
18:12Poo.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:13And this is the important bit.
18:15She then got up and she won the London Marathon.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:19I know, and I'm obsessed with it.
18:21I'm obsessed with it because there is nothing I want that much.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26In terms of, like, your lives, like, your hopes and dreams,
18:29like, your ambitions, the things you'd like to achieve,
18:31is there anything where you think, yeah, I would do a shit outside
18:34in front of everyone in order to get it?
18:37Cos I can't think of anything.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:39I can't think of anything.
18:39You know, like, postcode lottery, no, driving licence, no.
18:43I test myself with scenarios.
18:45So, I imagine the other day, I was like, what if the Academy call me?
18:48And they're like, Sarah, this year at the Oscars,
18:50we will give you the Best Actor Oscar.
18:53You're not in anything.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:55It's the male category.
18:58LAUGHTER
18:58But we will read out your name.
19:00All you have to do in the aisle as you're walking up to collect it.
19:03LAUGHTER
19:03And I would say, no, no, thank you.
19:06Not under those circumstances.
19:07And then I imagine that they're calling me back.
19:10You know, they're trying to persuade me.
19:11They're like, oh, Sarah, no, you wouldn't have to crouch down
19:13and do it in an embarrassing way.
19:15You know, you could just do it like a horse.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19Yeah, so let's not even slow down.
19:22Just sort of have it drop out of your dress on the way up there.
19:26And I'd still say, no, no, thank you.
19:28I don't know if my lack of ambition is holding back my career.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:33My husband wants very different things to me.
19:36My husband, he would like a threesome.
19:38That's his ambition.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40He was like, the other day, he was like,
19:42oh, he's Australian.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:46LAUGHTER
19:46We now want to be sexy
19:48if we could get some other people involved in the bedroom.
19:51And I'm like, no, no, no, I can do all of it.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:54I'll just move my arms and legs quicker.
19:57I'll just whiz around the bed a bit, you know.
19:59I can put on a funny voice, you won't know in the dark, you know.
20:01Touch my tits.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05Thank you very much, Sarah.
20:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:10That leaves us with Scott.
20:12Let's see where your topic is.
20:13Let's spin the wheel.
20:15OK, the topic is ageing.
20:19OK, I'm 46 now.
20:22You're right not to applaud.
20:25And I've reached the point now where I'm going to the gym
20:27just to maintain where I am,
20:29which is truly tragic.
20:32I've got a personal trainer.
20:34He says, you're looking to get shredded,
20:35you're looking to get ripped.
20:36I was like, no, Jase, I'm looking to get dressed.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40I just like to put my socks on
20:42without involving my children first.
20:45I don't know what's happened to me.
20:46I'm trying, I'm clinging on.
20:48I went to a post-punk gig recently
20:50and I got in the mosh pit, which was an error.
20:53Because it was just everyone my own age.
20:55At one point we all had our hands in the air,
20:57like an act of defiance.
20:59But what ruined it was a sea of Apple Watchers
21:02warning us we're in a loud environment.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:06You're going to smash the system
21:08but you keep it below 85 decibels.
21:10You're not meant to be there.
21:12Because that's the thing that leaves you behind.
21:14My nephew's 19,
21:15he's had them holes put in his earlobes.
21:17Right?
21:18When was that agreed?
21:20It makes his face look like a camping ground sheet.
21:24LAUGHTER
21:26I don't know whether to talk to him
21:28or peg him down.
21:29I mean...
21:34It's like a piece of tarpaulin with opinions.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:38Do you know what that's really good for?
21:40It's measuring the perfect portion of spaghetti.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45What's that going to look like when he's older?
21:46I suppose he gives somewhere for a nurse to hang a drip,
21:49doesn't he?
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51Maybe that's the idea.
21:52But I look at my dad.
21:54My dad's in his 70s.
21:55He's embracing it.
21:56Right?
21:57He's stopped caring.
21:58I was there the other week.
21:59He was polishing his car with a pair of old underpants.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:02He said to me,
22:03it's better than any cloth.
22:04I said, yeah, but take them off.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:09I can't watch you grinding up the side of an Octavia
22:13like a geriatric Beyonce.
22:15It's horrific.
22:16You know?
22:16Doing a slud drop in the alloys, mate.
22:19Like Victoria Beckham at her wedding.
22:20I can't have this.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:25APPLAUSE
22:26But I am trying.
22:28I want to leave a legacy for my children.
22:29I'm trying to look after myself.
22:30And then something happened the other week
22:32and I thought, what's the point?
22:33Because I was at a gig and another act came up to me and said,
22:35Scott, you look fantastic.
22:37Have you been training?
22:38Have you been dieting?
22:39I'd have the neurovirus.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:42I've been shitting myself inside out for a month.
22:45I thought I was going to die and he looked at me and went,
22:48whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:52That's the best you've ever looked.
22:53Your cheekbones have come back.
22:55I've given up on the gym.
22:56I'm licking handrails outside a walking side.
23:00I'm all eating in one-star rated restaurants.
23:02I've just ordered a tapeworm on the dark way back.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07Basically, I'm going to shit myself into skinny jeans.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:12APPLAUSE
23:12Well done.
23:13Point here and go to Scott Fennery.
23:15Sit down.
23:16Come on.
23:18Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
23:27The next round is called, if this is the answer,
23:30what is the question?
23:31On the border, six categories.
23:32Scott, which category would you like?
23:34Politics, please.
23:35OK, your topic is politics.
23:36The answer is around £500,000.
23:39What is the question?
23:41How much would I pay to have an uninterrupted poo in my own house?
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46Is it, how much will I win if Prince Andrew
23:50becomes the new host of Strictly?
23:52LAUGHTER
23:52Is it, how much do I owe the student loans company
23:56for my degree in financial planning?
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00Is it, what would Christmas have cost me
24:02if I got my kids everything they asked for?
24:04LAUGHTER
24:05Is it, of the £10 billion Donald Trump is suing them for,
24:09how much would bankrupt the BBC?
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12Is it, what's the going rate to jog a politician's memory?
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18Is it, how much would a million pound house be worth
24:21if Peter Mendelsohn moved in next door?
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Is it, how much do vets now charge to drain a dog's anal glands?
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot.
24:32That is a lot.
24:33If only we could run our houses on the juice that comes out...
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37I'll do it for free.
24:38It's the word juice, it was the word juice.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:41Is it, how much was the restaurant find at the end of Ratatouille?
24:45LAUGHTER
24:47Is it, how much of my half million pound investment did I lose
24:50when I invested in Hoc Toi coin?
24:53LAUGHTER
24:55Is it, how much did my dad think leaving a light on in one room
24:59would cost per day?
25:01LAUGHTER
25:01Is it, how much damage was done when they left my nan
25:04in charge of the thermostat at Madame Tussauds?
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08Is it, four people, four nights, summer holidays at centre parks?
25:12LAUGHTER
25:13Is it, how much is a flight from Abu Dhabi to Heathrow?
25:17LAUGHTER
25:17Is it, how much was Bonnie Blue's last dry cleaning bill?
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23Is it, how much could you make annually from my new cryptocurrency...
25:28huge coin?
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31Is it, how much did I make selling a vicar's son's pants on eBay?
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36Is it, if a busker borrowed your hat, Dara,
25:40how much could he bit in it?
25:43LAUGHTER
25:45He's got a big head.
25:46Yeah, he's got a massive head.
25:49APPLAUSE
25:51If you go to a money exchange in an airport
25:53and exchange one million British pounds for British pounds,
25:57how much do you get?
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59OK, does anyone have the correct answer, please?
26:01How much does it cost to keep my daughter
26:03in her various school clubs per month?
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07Dreams that are going nowhere?
26:10LAUGHTER
26:10Pointless. Pointless.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13How much has Sarah Pascoe turned down to poo in public?
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18Is it, actually, is it, how much did Peter Mandelson
26:22ask for as a severance pay?
26:24Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Ed. Thank you.
26:27APPLAUSE
26:29Yes.
26:30The question I was looking for is,
26:32what did Peter Mandelson request a severance payment
26:34after he was sacked as UK ambassador to the United States?
26:37This is news that information about the negotiations
26:39was included in the release of a 147-page collection of documents
26:42on Mandelson's appointment and subsequent removal,
26:44following the emergence of more details about his friendship
26:46with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:48Peter Mandelson has continually denied any wrongdoing.
26:51Could we have written a more fucking word you ate?
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55Fucking hell.
26:57So what was the outcome of all this?
26:59The outcome was he asked for half a million
27:02and they gave him about 70 grand,
27:04which just shows us the shit-hot negotiator we lost.
27:08LAUGHTER
27:08That's what you've got to do, man.
27:10I asked for 500 grand to do this show from TLC.
27:13Sure, I didn't get it, but I got £10 an episode
27:16and an appointment with Dr Pimple Popper.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:18You said the reason he asked for £500,000 was because,
27:23what he said was,
27:23the actions of His Majesty's government
27:26have permanently damaged his employability.
27:29Oh!
27:30He's 72.
27:31What, is he going to miss on an internship now because of this?
27:35LAUGHTER
27:35I think we don't want to see, like, what he got.
27:38We should be able to see how he asked for it.
27:41You know, I want to see, dragons,
27:42I'm asking for £500,000 now
27:45to never work again.
27:47Yeah.
27:48Due to my links to an international super-nonce.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:53Alleged super-nonce.
27:55I think we know that Epstein was a super-nonce, don't we?
27:57I just want to...
27:58Oh, no.
27:59He's not going to see us from beyond the grave.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:01It's a bold move.
28:03I almost respect him.
28:04Like, would I let him take my daughter on holiday?
28:07No, but he could get a John Lewis refund.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10He's going to make his real money in podcasts, though, isn't he?
28:13Oh, yeah.
28:13It's so obvious that no-one's going to get any consequences
28:16and he's going to start a podcast with Andrew called
28:18The Rest Is Redacted.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:24It's like me, I complained about a pizza at Domino's
28:27and I was on the phone sort of back and forth for about 20 minutes
28:30and then in the end they said,
28:31do you want some dough balls?
28:33And I just went, deal!
28:34And that was...
28:35LAUGHTER
28:35I knew when I'd won, you know.
28:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:38You've got Pizza Express dough balls from Domino's.
28:40That is power!
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43Well, did you want to just pretend you'd been a Pizza Express
28:45because it might be useful as an alibi later?
28:48LAUGHTER
28:48It's where people go!
28:51APPLAUSE
28:54This picture came out, you know, during all this...
28:56Honestly, you know, that's it, there you go.
28:58This looks like the eye view of the terrified child
29:01who's come to collect their ball they've kicked over the fence.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05That's quite gratifying that these, like,
29:07this rich, powerful cabal of men
29:10who are, like, secretly basically running the world,
29:13the elite, and they have the same chair and table
29:16you can buy from P&Q for 500 quid.
29:19LAUGHTER
29:20That's what they're saying, it's a display model,
29:22we'll never sell it now, get off it.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25Finally, an image more disturbing
29:27than when I caught my mum doing reverse cowgirl.
29:30LAUGHTER
29:35Is Andrew vaping?
29:36He looks like he's vaping.
29:38He'll do anything to impress a teenager.
29:39Did you say vaping?
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42He said vaping, yeah?
29:44Yeah, I did say vaping.
29:45He's vaping, yeah.
29:45He's allegedly vaping.
29:47Allegedly, he is a vapist.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:58No, no, no.
30:00No, no.
30:00There's a lawyer with a pen going...
30:03LAUGHTER
30:06It wasn't allegedly in there.
30:10At the end of that round, the points are going to be
30:12Scott, Rhys and Catherine!
30:14APPLAUSE
30:17The next round is called audience question time.
30:20We throw ourselves open to the studio audience
30:21and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
30:24First up, is there a Nicky here, by the way?
30:26Hey, Nicky, how are you?
30:27I'm good, how are you?
30:28I'm very well, thanks for asking.
30:29And what question do you have for everyone here?
30:31What do you think is really overrated?
30:34QI.
30:36It's just facts being explained slowly.
30:39People can't even remember them, what's the point?
30:41LAUGHTER
30:43Any podcast that won't have me as a guest
30:47instantly becomes overrated in my mind.
30:49Surely there's no-one that wouldn't have you as a guest.
30:51There's loads, yeah.
30:52Off menu can go fuck itself.
30:55LAUGHTER
30:57Video doorbells.
30:58People say they're amazing because you can check in on them
31:00wherever you are, so you can be on a beach, you know,
31:03watching someone burgle your house,
31:05and all you can do is try and persuade them to stop.
31:09LAUGHTER
31:10And your husband is going, no, no, I'm just upstairs.
31:13I'm just inconvenienced at the moment.
31:14Please don't take my son's pants again.
31:17LAUGHTER
31:18They're holding up the stuff they're robbing like that.
31:20Have you got the charger for this?
31:23LAUGHTER
31:24I've got a similar thing.
31:25I think it's overrated.
31:26I think camera phones are overrated.
31:28I think looking at pictures of yourself
31:29actually makes you feel much worse about yourself,
31:31much more critical.
31:32I know that younger women look at women my age and older
31:35and think, oh, why are you walking around?
31:37You know, you look terrible.
31:40LAUGHTER
31:40Why don't you care about it?
31:41And the reason is that, like, when we were growing up,
31:43we had our photographs taken once a year at school,
31:47twice if someone brought an owl in.
31:50For me, the most overrated thing is, like, productivity gurus
31:54and, like, cold shower people who, like, Wim Hofitt and do all
31:57of that, cold shower in the morning.
31:58Because they always say it's got all these benefits having a cold shower,
32:00ice cold shower.
32:00They're like, it really wakes you up in the morning.
32:02I'm like, yeah, of course it does.
32:03It's pouring ice cold water on yourself.
32:05That's how they wake up hostages.
32:07LAUGHTER
32:07That's a cuckoo clock in Guantanamo Bay.
32:09I'm a free man.
32:10I can do all of that.
32:11And then they'll be like, oh, it reduces stress.
32:13It's like, oh, does it?
32:13You know what I find stressful?
32:14Breathless goosebumps and a fully retracted penis.
32:16OK?
32:18You really hit your targets.
32:19That's because I've been waterboarding.
32:21Yes, exactly.
32:22Thank you very much, Iggy.
32:25OK.
32:26For the next question, there's a Will somewhere in the audience.
32:28Hey, Will, how are you?
32:29What question do you have for everyone?
32:31What news would you most like to hear at the moment?
32:34Oh, Will.
32:34I would love to hear that Greenland and Canada have launched
32:39a successful invasion of America.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:46I really want sort of things for my friends,
32:49so I'd like Ed to get on off-menu and Rhys to get on QI.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:53I'd love to hear that Trump has been an elaborate hoax
32:56by Derren Brown.
32:58LAUGHTER
32:59And I'd love that to be revealed by new Mock the Week host,
33:02Rhys James.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:04I would like my teenage daughter to bring down the cups and bowls
33:08she's got in her bedroom.
33:10Yeah, cos at the moment we're a one-bowl family.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:15We're just passing it back and forth.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:19And, you know, I'm sick of eating my Weetabix out of a wok.
33:24Oh, you said bowls.
33:26I thought you said bones.
33:27Cups and bones.
33:28Cups and bones.
33:28No, there could be bones up there.
33:30I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised.
33:32OK.
33:32It's like an archaeological dig under her bed at the moment.
33:35How old is she?
33:3615.
33:37Oh, yeah, yeah.
33:38Good luck.
33:39They're pure evil.
33:40They're on TikTok so much, they're like instruments
33:42of the Chinese government at this point.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:45But they do bring them down.
33:46Is she has to leave them even near the dishwasher?
33:49No, they're inside the door of the kitchen.
33:51LAUGHTER
33:51The magical fairies will take them from there to wherever.
33:53Oh, you wait till you get a husband.
33:56LAUGHTER
33:56That's the dream, Sarah.
33:59LAUGHTER
33:59He's out there somewhere.
34:02LAUGHTER
34:02My daughter, there's a radiator and there's just cups and bowls
34:05the entire way along the radiator.
34:06Yeah!
34:07Maybe unchain her from it, then.
34:09LAUGHTER
34:14Thank you very much, Sarah.
34:15Thank you and thank you all for joining us.
34:18Join us again after the break.
34:27The next line is called Between the Lines
34:29and features Hugh and Rhys.
34:30So, would you make your way to the press pit, please?
34:32Rhys delivers a speech in the guise of a leading figure
34:34on the world stage, while Hugh translates
34:36what they really mean.
34:37This week, Rhys, is Ed Miliband.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:40He's still knocking about, is he?
34:43LAUGHTER
34:45Hello.
34:46Remember me?
34:47I am the political equivalent of tennis's Jamie Murray.
34:54LAUGHTER
34:57I know how effective wind is as an energy source.
35:01I am full of hot air.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:05I am the choice of the party to replace Keir Starmer.
35:08Hard to believe, I know.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:11We must learn to say no to Donald Trump.
35:14Especially when the question is,
35:16would you like a bacon sandwich?
35:19LAUGHTER
35:20I am one of the few faces in the Cabinet that people recognise.
35:23They think I'm Wallace.
35:25LAUGHTER
35:26Chuck in cheese, Gromit.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:30Good you said that.
35:30I thought you meant Greg Wallace.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:34People mock my ideas as crazy.
35:36I won't be laughing when I'm driving my cheese-powered car
35:39to my house made of wool.
35:41Whoop-whoop!
35:43The Tories, of course...
35:44Whoop-whoop!
35:45OK.
35:46Whoop-whoop!
35:49The Tories...
35:50OK.
35:51Why is your internal monologue interrupting your external monologue?
35:57Hugh, will you please let me continue my dream
35:59of pretending to be Ed Miliband?
36:01LAUGHTER
36:02Whoop-whoop!
36:04I'm all about net zero.
36:06That is my current approval rating.
36:09Sadly, it is true that there are people in other countries
36:13who really hate us.
36:14My brother still isn't speaking to me.
36:17LAUGHTER
36:17Oil rig workers seem very keen for me to re-explore the North Sea.
36:22They kept trying to throw me out of their helicopter.
36:25I want to reassure you the Iran conflict
36:27will not affect your energy bills.
36:29I want to!
36:31LAUGHTER
36:32But I can't!
36:33We are doomed!
36:34Sell up!
36:35Burn your furniture!
36:36Live in a tent!
36:39LAUGHTER
36:41LAUGHTER
36:42APPLAUSE
36:44APPLAUSE
36:51Now we come to scenes we like to see.
36:54So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
36:57I'll read of this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists
36:58can come up with.
36:59OK, here we go.
37:00The first subject is...
37:02..unlikely things to hear on a property show.
37:05Well, despite looking run-down, dated and a bit sad,
37:09with just a bit of TLC, we can get him back in his chair
37:12pressing his little buzzer.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:15APPLAUSE
37:16APPLAUSE
37:18Well, now it's time for a lick of paint...
37:20..and a sniff of glue.
37:23LAUGHTER
37:23LAUGHTER
37:26A real fixer-upper.
37:28But the economy's bad and I decided to move in with him anyway.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:33It has some wonderful period features.
37:35The kitchen even has its own cholera outbreak.
37:38LAUGHTER
37:41Now, look at those wonderful exposed beams.
37:45Now, if the roof hadn't caved in, you wouldn't have seen those.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:50Well, they're renovating another property they've bought for a pound.
37:54But have they paid too much?
37:55Find out in Amanda and Ellen's Chernobyl job.
37:58LAUGHTER
38:01With its sea views, excellent transport links
38:04and beautiful luxury accommodation, Epstein Island really is...
38:09LAUGHTER
38:10..a jewel in the crown.
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13OK, which one of the two is your least favourite?
38:16Right, well, don't send that one to private school
38:17and you can afford this flat.
38:19LAUGHTER
38:21Today we're going to be answering the most important question
38:24when buying a house.
38:25Why are estate agents such twats?
38:30Welcome to Homes Under The Hammer.
38:32This week, it's Eamonn, and the hammer is the sledgehammer.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38Well, I've pebbled-dashed the wall.
38:40I'm sorry about that, but I do feel a lot better.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:45And this property actually has its own blue plaque.
38:48I don't know much about the guy, but I like the name Harold
38:50and seems he was some sort of sailor or ship man.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:55LAUGHTER
38:55Welcome to Gran Designs.
38:58And here she is.
38:59Well, Gran, what have you designed...
39:02LAUGHTER
39:03LAUGHTER
39:0521-year-old Callum is doing a fantastic job on this bar and conversion.
39:09He's got the drawings done, the builders are on standby
39:11and now it's the tricky part of the project,
39:14waiting for his parents to die.
39:16LAUGHTER
39:18Now, this one is a bit out of your price range,
39:21but we've got a handy trick to knock a few grand off the asking price.
39:24We've spray-painted the word nonce on the garage.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29I think they're going to love this next house.
39:32It's near a school, it's everything they wanted,
39:35and it's in the country.
39:36One problem, that country is Tajikistan.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:43Homes Under The Hammer, a programme aimed at entrepreneurs,
39:46but watched mainly by the unemployed, in their underpants,
39:50sitting in rented accommodation.
39:52LAUGHTER
39:54John here is looking for a new premises for his thesaurus shop,
39:58and it's all about location, position, whereabouts.
40:01LAUGHTER
40:03Now, the primary bedroom does have en-suite potential,
40:07if you're willing to take a shit in the wastebasket.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:13Right.
40:14So, apparently, that was a retaining wall.
40:18LAUGHTER
40:21I know people don't like estate agents, but we are trustworthy.
40:25Now, in answer to your question, no, this flat does not have subsidence.
40:27You're going to be...
40:28LAUGHTER
40:30They've broken through the pelvic floor
40:32and breathed new life into this old fallopian tube.
40:35LAUGHTER
40:36That's all coming up this week on Changing Wounds.
40:39LAUGHTER
40:41The next topic is...
40:43Things you don't want a relative to say.
40:45Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, you have to be on the step.
40:48What's on the step? You've got to be on the step, Ed.
40:50You're not to blame, Ed. I know I'm not.
40:52You're not to blame.
40:54Changing when I say the thing, and then you walk in.
40:56All right. Sorry, I've never done the show before.
40:58LAUGHTER
41:00Things you don't want a relative to say.
41:03Not you, Ed.
41:05LAUGHTER
41:07APPLAUSE
41:08APPLAUSE
41:12No, in real life, Dara's a cunt.
41:15LAUGHTER
41:19Every third generation has a tiny penis.
41:22Your grandfather had one.
41:25LAUGHTER
41:28Hand jobs aren't incest, are they?
41:31LAUGHTER
41:34You look so much like your father, which is lucky, cos he's just got a speeding fine.
41:39LAUGHTER
41:41Can I ask some advice?
41:42How long are you supposed to wait before you say, I love you, for the first time?
41:46Cos it's been 34 years, Dad, just say it.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:51We're so excited to meet your girlfriend.
41:54Your dad's been a subscriber for months.
41:57LAUGHTER
42:00This has been in our family for generations, and now I'm passing it on to you, son.
42:05Congratulations.
42:06You're going to be bold before you're 30.
42:09LAUGHTER
42:10Sorry.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:11The family that plays together stays together.
42:15Who's up for Naked Twister?
42:17LAUGHTER
42:18OK, can I open another present?
42:20What's it going to be?
42:21Oh, it's rice.
42:22I hate Uncle Ben.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:26Oh, yeah, no, we've done the DNA, so we are 30% Anglo-Saxon, 25% Scandinavian
42:31and 15% sheep.
42:33Baa!
42:36While you are under my roof, you will examine my stool samples.
42:42Well, I'm sorry, son, but in this family, we support Tottenham Hotspur.
42:47LAUGHTER
42:50I've got bad news about your father.
42:53He's Robert Jenrick.
42:56LAUGHTER
42:58Oh, I used to change your nappies, fill them with heroin and take you over the border.
43:06LAUGHTER
43:07I just wish Mum and Dad were here to see this, but, uh...
43:12They couldn't be arsed.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14LAUGHTER
43:17Your Uncle David died doing what he loved.
43:20Your Auntie Janet.
43:22LAUGHTER
43:23Yeah, it was a really difficult birth.
43:25I mean, he's absolutely huge.
43:26The full £30 completely ripped me in shreds.
43:29But, uh, we've thought of a name.
43:31Dara O'Brien.
43:33LAUGHTER
43:37Well done, darling.
43:38You're finally going to be on Mock the Week, and it's not on the BBC.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:46The bad news is, it's hereditary.
43:48The good news is, you're adopted.
43:51LAUGHTER
43:53I'll just clean the table before you sit down.
43:57Your grandfather messed it up when he was railing me on it earlier.
44:02LAUGHTER
44:04George, I hate you, Dad.
44:05You're the worst dad in the world.
44:06You're even worse than that dad from Outnumbered.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:10LAUGHTER
44:14At the end of that round, the point's going to Scott, Rhys and Catherine.
44:18CHEERING
44:21And that's the end of the show.
44:23This week's winners are...
44:25Aaron, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:28Commiserations to Catherine Ryan, Rhys James and Scott Bennett.
44:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:34Thanks for watching.
44:34I'm Daryl Green.
44:36Good night.
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44:58MUSIC CONTINUES
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45:03MUSIC CONTINUES
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