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00:04Is she dancing?
00:05In what world does that look like dancing?
00:08Thrash metal, operative dance.
00:10It's all in the arms.
00:11I had a brief spell at ballet school when I was nine.
00:14So is she getting binned?
00:15Nah, Danny's doing the binning.
00:17What is she binning?
00:17Jack, her fiancé.
00:19The day before the big day.
00:21So the wedding's off?
00:22But I was gonna wear a hat.
00:24The helmet doesn't count, mate.
00:26What did he do?
00:27Oh, it's not for us to say.
00:29He sent dick pics.
00:30Afia.
00:30Is that bad?
00:31To her mum.
00:32She was basically engaged to a cyber flusher.
00:34Which is two years minimum.
00:37Should we do something?
00:40It looks like she's got it out of her system.
00:47Or maybe not.
01:08What are you doing, Bob?
01:08I'm giving this to Melanie.
01:10Well, she's not there.
01:11Well, where is she?
01:12Up my back bottom.
01:13How the hell should I know?
01:14Well, what am I meant to do with this?
01:15Well, just leave it for her.
01:16She always takes it from me and then gives me a chocolate finger to have with my morning coffee.
01:23Jesus, she's probably just on the loo.
01:24She always lets me know when she's leaving her desk.
01:27Maybe she's hiding from you.
01:28Well, why would she hide from me?
01:30Why wouldn't she?
01:31I wish I could.
01:32Melanie.
01:34Melanie.
01:37Ah, good, sir.
01:38I just wanted to have a quick word with you about tomorrow.
01:41Ah, yes.
01:42Getting the Venetian crystal chandeliers with him.
01:44Hmm.
01:44Exciting times.
01:46No, no.
01:46About a rendezvous.
01:48Rendezvous?
01:48I'm a married man, Julie.
01:50No, with Paul Huggins.
01:51Oh.
01:52Oh, good for you.
01:53Don't put out on the first date unless he buys you pudding.
01:59Oh, Melanie.
02:01Melanie, thank God you're here.
02:02He just can't live without you.
02:04Cunningham?
02:05No, Bob.
02:06He goes all limp when you're not there to wipe his arse.
02:09He's a useless lump of jelly.
02:11More so than usual, I mean.
02:12Just sort it out for fuck's sake.
02:16Oh, yes.
02:17I will be the ice cream for that jelly.
02:26I'm sorry, I heard.
02:29Great, now everyone knows that my fiancé sent his penis to my mother.
02:33Well, I didn't hear that.
02:35My fiancé?
02:36Ex-fiancé.
02:37You're loving this, aren't you?
02:39No, I'm not.
02:39You've always been, like, anti-Jack.
02:42Who's anti-Jack?
02:43It's just one big joke to you, isn't it?
02:45But for me, it's the end of my life as we know it.
02:48Come on.
02:50It'll be all right, you know.
02:52What's the punchline?
02:53There is no punchline.
02:55I don't feel right about this.
02:57With what?
02:57With you being so straight.
03:00Look, just because I've got my arm around you doesn't mean I'm not gay.
03:03Are you gay?
03:03I don't think so.
03:04But that's not what this arm's about.
03:06This is a consoling arm.
03:09Consoling arm?
03:09Yeah.
03:10Do you feel, like, consoled at all?
03:13A bit.
03:14Well, there you go.
03:17All the wedding's paid for now.
03:19I won't get any refunds.
03:21Nightmare.
03:23Alas, could you find another fiancé?
03:26Another fiancé?
03:28Yeah, could you find another one?
03:29A fiancé?
03:30Yeah.
03:31Takes ages.
03:33Does it?
03:34Wouldn't know.
03:35Well, it does.
03:41Nah, it's fine.
03:44No, it's fine.
03:48It's fine.
03:49I'm here, sir.
03:50Always here.
03:53Melanie!
03:54Melanie!
03:55Sir?
03:56The DNA results you asked for.
03:58Right, well, thank you, Melanie.
04:13It's negative.
04:17No, no, no!
04:19No, no, no!
04:21No, no, no!
04:21What is it?
04:22What is it?
04:22No, no, no.
04:24No, no.
04:25It's...
04:25Can't really...
04:27Can't really explain...
04:29What I'm feeling.
04:31That's...
04:31You don't need to, sir.
04:33I know I've been AWOL for a while,
04:36but it was a mere trifle.
04:37He's an oaf.
04:38Just really, really wanted to have a child.
04:43A child?
04:44Oh!
04:44An actual child?
04:46What?
04:46How I've only had a whisper of the perimenopause?
04:49I'll Google.
04:50I'll Google.
04:50Ooh!
04:53Ooh!
04:57Ooh!
04:57Oh, it's Sherry.
04:58Oh!
04:59Ooh!
04:59Oh, no.
05:03Do you have the test results back, sir?
05:05I do, I do.
05:06Are they that bad, sir?
05:07It's bad.
05:08Very bad.
05:09You get your hopes up, you see.
05:12And when the results don't go your way,
05:14you realise that you should never have even dreamed
05:17that things would work out.
05:19If you had a...
05:20If you had a womb, it would ache!
05:21I do, and it does.
05:24Relax!
05:24Don't panic!
05:25Relax!
05:26We are relaxed.
05:27It's back on.
05:28It was the best man, he was using Jack's phone.
05:30He was off his face on the stag do last night
05:32and Jack didn't remember a thing about it.
05:34Oh, how convenient.
05:36That's exactly why I had the hen do, like, two months ago.
05:38So that your chief bridesmaid wouldn't send your fanny pics
05:41to Jack's dad?
05:42OK.
05:42No, not exactly.
05:43What's all this noise?
05:45We can get married tomorrow.
05:46Well, can we?
05:47No!
05:48Me and Jack.
05:49The wedding's back on.
05:50And you can all come,
05:51because there'll probably be a few no-shows,
05:53what with the whole texting thing.
05:55Surely not all the test results can be bad, sir?
05:57What?
05:58Oh, these results?
05:59No, you all passed.
06:00You know, flying colours.
06:02Well done, everybody.
06:03Well, my colours flying.
06:04No, yours were an absolute shit show.
06:07No.
06:12Chips, please, Aunty Nooch.
06:14Shit, sorry.
06:15Chips, please, whoever you are.
06:17Oh, keep it together, Paul.
06:19Today of all days.
06:19Yeah, of course.
06:21Wait, why today of all days?
06:22Well, it's a deal going down tomorrow.
06:23So tomorrow of all days is really when I should keep it all together?
06:26You can't give it your best, Paul, eh?
06:28You've been picked special for this.
06:29Don't want you thinking no-one else wanted it,
06:31because it's a bit risky.
06:32I wasn't thinking that.
06:34Good.
06:35And this took a meeting of the five families to arrange.
06:37You know that.
06:38Yeah, I know stuff.
06:39This is a big one, Paul.
06:41If you can pull it off,
06:42puts us ahead of them lot when carving up the territory.
06:44Now Big Art's dead.
06:46Big Art's dead?
06:46Yeah, liver disease.
06:48Oh, God.
06:48I did eat a lot of liver.
06:50So, if we can pass this shipment off onto one of them really heavy-duty players,
06:55we're golden.
06:56You can do it, Paul.
06:57And if not, well, you'll have had your chips.
07:02I haven't had much chips.
07:10What the hell is that cl...
07:12What is that clucking noise?
07:16It's my grief chicken.
07:18I'm going to release it to unburden myself of all my sorrows.
07:21It's only a job, Bob.
07:22It's not about the job.
07:23I have lost a son-thing else.
07:26What?
07:27I released one when the Queen passed.
07:29Hmm.
07:29Very patriotic.
07:31Shouldn't it be a dove or something?
07:32Do you know how hard it is to get hold of a dove?
07:34A balloon?
07:34I couldn't find one.
07:36And yet you could find a chicken.
07:37Firearms up at the range have got them.
07:39They wouldn't tell me why.
07:48Goodbye, my son that never was.
08:08Great, you got my text.
08:10Oh.
08:11What?
08:12What?
08:12Well, you've gone dull again.
08:14Nice.
08:14Well, no, we can work on that later.
08:17Look, there's something I wanted to say.
08:19Yeah, there's something I want to say as well.
08:20It's over.
08:21Marry me.
08:22Did you just ask me to marry you?
08:24What?
08:24No, of course not.
08:26I was saying hairy, hairy knee.
08:30Hairy knee?
08:31Yeah, I've got a super hairy knee.
08:33Just the one?
08:34Yep.
08:34The other one's smooth.
08:35Weird, eh?
08:36So you didn't just say marry me?
08:37No, no, of course not.
08:39That would be stupid.
08:41Look, it's clear that whatever has happened between us,
08:44I've taken my eye off his ball and put it on your ball.
08:47Right.
08:47And now I'm taking it off your ball and putting it back on his.
08:50So, we're over.
08:51No hard feelings?
08:52Well, actually some.
08:53What are you hiding behind your back?
08:55Nothing.
08:58Nothing.
09:01Right.
09:03Well, thank you for your service.
09:05You are released.
09:06I'll sign the relevant forms.
09:08Good luck with the knee.
09:12Oh, bollocks!
09:15You need to help me.
09:17I've just swallowed my nan's engagement ring
09:18and I don't know what to do.
09:20Can't you just shit it out?
09:21I'm not shitting out my dead grandmother's ring.
09:24Show some respect.
09:32What's the matter with you?
09:33You look like an angry turtle.
09:34I've just got this from Melanie.
09:36It is from Divisional HQ.
09:38Excellent.
09:38No!
09:39Not excellent!
09:40Why?
09:41What does it say?
09:42We'd like to apologise for being unable to appoint a new head of training.
09:47We'll come to a decision shortly and we'll be in touch by the end of the week.
09:51No, but Cunningham is head of training.
09:53Well, apparently not.
09:54No, but I've seen him with my own eyes.
09:55Yes, but he's an imposter.
09:57Bob?
09:57No, it's definitely him.
09:59Well, yes, of course it's him, but he is here illegitimately.
10:02And he's a bastard.
10:02Well, he certainly bloody is.
10:04Here under false pretenses and slashing our budget while he lives in the luxury.
10:08Exactly.
10:10You know what?
10:11I think we need to give our Chief Super his marching orders.
10:15Yes.
10:16Yes, he'd better look out because I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.
10:19Careful, Bob.
10:19Haven't got a lot to spare.
10:20Yeah.
10:21No.
10:21What?
10:23What?
10:25Bugger.
10:25He's not here.
10:26Or is he?
10:28Yes, no, not at all.
10:29I'm sure Chief Superintendent Cunningham will be most relieved.
10:31Ah, what was that?
10:32Any news for the tough banana for the big enchilada?
10:35Well, we did have an email that caused some confusion about your position, sir,
10:39but Divisional HQ have just called to say that it was meant for Southwood College.
10:42Ah.
10:43Totally obvious it was an error.
10:44We already have a wonderful yet humble head of training.
10:47Ah, well, thank you.
10:48I'd like to think that I have a special report with the staff, so appreciate that,
10:51whatever your name is.
10:52Melanie, sir, I just can't stand shitty admin.
10:54I expect more from HQ.
10:55Now, now, Melanie, no harm done.
10:57Oi!
10:58Swatty!
10:59Excuse me.
11:00No, I will not excuse you, fuckface.
11:02Are you talking to me?
11:03Of course I'm talking to you, you mad wanker.
11:05Bob, the job's yours.
11:07Julie's lost the plot.
11:08No, actually, you've lost the plot because you're a big git.
11:12A titty git.
11:13Tell him, Bob.
11:14You're a shitty, shitty bumhole.
11:17Don't poke me.
11:18I'm ordering you to stop poking me.
11:19Oh, you're ordering him, are you?
11:21What, in your capacity as head of training at this college?
11:24Yes.
11:25You are pathetic.
11:26He is head of training.
11:27That was a mistake.
11:28They called the wrong college.
11:30Pathetic in a good way, sir.
11:32Obviously.
11:32Well, I actually...
11:33You're not a real person.
11:35You're an imposter.
11:36Wigs.
11:37Oh, dear.
11:38My scissors seem to have slipped.
11:40What?
11:41Bob.
11:41Stay.
11:44Goodness gracious.
11:45Just like to point out, sir, I was doing a two-minute insult your boss for charity.
11:49I have no idea what Bob's doing.
11:51I don't know.
11:53I don't know.
11:53I don't know.
11:55I don't know.
11:55Wigs.
11:56Wigs.
11:57Wigs.
11:59Wigs.
11:59Wigs.
12:00Wigs.
12:02Wigs.
12:03Wigs.
12:17Wigs.
12:20Wigs.
12:24Wigs.
12:26Wigs.
12:27It's too late for that, Paul.
12:28You are our man on the inside, and I use the term man incredibly loosely.
12:32Now, it's really important that we get a name, OK?
12:36So, I've got you a hidden mic here.
12:39It's not very well hidden.
12:40Well, no.
12:41It's not hidden now.
12:41You're going to hide it.
12:43OK.
12:43If that fails, we need you to be able to identify said man.
12:47So, you know the game, Guess Who?
12:49Oh, yeah. Yeah, a little bit like that.
12:50All right, nice. I'll ask them, like, do you wear a hat?
12:52Have you got a moustache? Things like that.
12:54Yeah, or just look at him, Paul.
12:55Oh, yeah, all right.
12:59Well, as impressive as it was to see Bob's bottom.
13:02Yes, I thought so.
13:03I'm afraid there will be consequences.
13:05I'm going to have to find him.
13:06What sort of find?
13:07Er, a kidney.
13:08A kidney?
13:08No, no, what's that other thing? A kiss.
13:11Pardon?
13:11A single kiss should suffice. On the cheek.
13:14What about the job? The redundancy?
13:15Oh, yes, I'll be letting him go.
13:17But congratulations to Julie on the new role of training star.
13:20Oh, yes, I see.
13:21But that does mean that her first job as training star
13:24would be to hire someone to be her co-training star.
13:27Oh, good point.
13:28And possibly a diversity hires of someone old, male, white.
13:32I think Bob's available.
13:33Bob! Of course!
13:35Why didn't I think of Bob?
13:37He's hired. Off you go.
13:39Draw up a contract for Bob, a 10% increase on wages.
13:42But not for Julie.
13:43No, no, she kept her job while Bob lost his.
13:44He had an uncertain future.
13:46Exactly, Sam.
13:47Yes.
13:48None of us knew what was to become of him.
13:49Not even me.
13:50And I can see very far into the future.
13:52Where I had robot arms and a robot retractable penis.
13:56I'll go and tell them the good news.
13:58No, no, no.
13:59Let's keep them in suspenders for one last pole dance.
14:02Hmm?
14:05Yes.
14:05Cheers.
14:06Here we go, Clarkson.
14:07Line it up and...
14:08Oh!
14:09All in one!
14:11Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
14:12All right.
14:13Back.
14:13See you tomorrow.
14:14Have a good night.
14:15Bye-bye.
14:24So, what was that for?
14:27Because...
14:29Because...
14:29Because...
14:30Because I needed to be sure to know, you know?
14:33Before I, um...
14:35Sorry.
14:35Before you...
14:36To confirm that marrying.
14:38That is right.
14:40Um...
14:40It was playing on my mind.
14:42I don't want it playing on my mind.
14:43I want it out of my mind.
14:44So, I kissed someone.
14:45Right.
14:46And I?
14:47It worked.
14:48I know I'm doing the right thing.
14:50Did the right thing.
14:52So, it's completely out of my mind.
14:54Completely, totally, utterly.
14:55So, there.
14:57That's that.
14:57Done.
15:06What did you do that for?
15:09Because someone...
15:10Was caught off guard with the first kiss.
15:12And because someone wanted to give it their best shot.
15:15And because maybe it should play in your mind.
15:17I don't know.
15:19But I think that one has a better chance.
15:22Oh.
15:23Crikey.
15:39That's the last of the boxes unloaded.
15:41These are the kosher samples for Paulie.
15:43Where the fuck is he?
15:44He's got one minute.
15:45Otherwise the whole deal's a spam pancake.
15:47Relax.
15:48Oh.
15:49I'm here.
15:49Jesus.
15:50What's that?
15:51What's what?
15:52That.
15:53The outfit.
15:53Oh, this.
15:54It's me.
15:55On the mouse.
15:56I can see you're a bleeding mouse.
15:58Make myself unrecognisable, you said.
15:59You're unrecognisable as a dick though, bruv.
16:01These are the ones they've got to look at.
16:03You know.
16:04So he doesn't have to waste any time going through all them boxes.
16:07Get going.
16:08Okay.
16:08All right.
16:09Don't do nothing stupid.
16:13Okay, okay, I know.
16:15Double negative.
16:20Hey, this is Jack.
16:21I'm not around at the moment, obviously.
16:23Leave me a message.
16:25Where are you?
16:27I'm here outside a massive church in a massive white dress and you're not here.
16:31Where are you?
16:33Okay, so what is your position?
16:35Over.
16:35Standing up.
16:36No.
16:36Where are you?
16:37Inside the building.
16:39Okay.
16:39I'm in a van around the corner.
16:41Should anything go tits up?
16:43Now, don't speak to me from now on, okay?
16:46Oh, and remember, I need a name.
16:47What's wrong with Julie?
16:49His name.
16:50Oh, okay.
16:50Got it.
16:51They're shitting hell.
16:53Oh.
16:54Oh.
16:54What do you want?
16:55Yeah, I know it's my day off, but I've done the laundry and I thought I'd just pop by and
16:59see how the secret op's going.
17:01Jesus Christ, get out of sight.
17:03Get in.
17:04Get in.
17:04Okay, I've brought some doughnuts.
17:06Oh, great.
17:07Good.
17:07That should help.
17:09I'm sure there are all sorts of reasons people get called for you.
17:11Poor circulation.
17:13Bin socks.
17:13Scared sickness will find out it was him who sent those dick pics.
17:17Mmm.
17:18So, how's it going?
17:19Tense.
17:20A little bit crowded now.
17:21Oh, what now?
17:23Is this the secret op?
17:24Who the hell told you?
17:25Bob.
17:26The fuck's that?
17:27Get in.
17:27Just get in.
17:28The operative word was secret, Bob.
17:31Ooh, darn that.
17:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:39Who's this clown?
17:40Oh.
17:41Hello, boys.
17:43Massive boys.
17:44That's far enough.
17:45Yep, that's far enough.
17:45Some of the goods.
17:46Do you mean this?
17:47I didn't mean your penis.
17:49Oh, phew.
17:50Puggets, I need a name.
17:51Julie actually needs a name.
17:53Who the fuck is Julie?
17:54Good question.
17:55Use your brain for once.
17:56Use your brain for once.
17:57You got some sort of difference?
17:58No, not really.
17:59But look, it's been a lovely deal.
18:00I'll just let myself out.
18:01You ain't gone nowhere.
18:03Get your eyes back over here.
18:04Puggets, get his name.
18:06Sorry, I've actually forgotten your name.
18:08What was it again?
18:09Brad Pitt.
18:11Brad Pitt.
18:12Hang on.
18:14Is that one T or two?
18:15Free.
18:16Brad Pitt, free.
18:18No, it's not Brad Pitt.
18:20I smell a rat.
18:21Oh, no, definitely a mouse.
18:23Fucking gear.
18:23I don't know what that means.
18:25You think I'm some kind of idiot?
18:26Well, no, I mean, I don't really know you, so...
18:28You'll never get a chance to, innit?
18:30Oh!
18:30I'm really sorry, Paul.
18:32You're gonna have to improvise.
18:33Please don't shoot me.
18:33I'm only a little mouse.
18:34Huh?
18:35Look out!
18:36Boxing!
18:36Oh my God, it's all kicking off.
18:39Catch the fucking mouse.
18:41Oh, here he is.
18:44Oh.
18:45It's you.
18:46Sorry, I was on two minds whether I had to come,
18:47but then I got really hungry
18:49and I remembered you were getting married
18:50and there was gonna be food here.
18:51He's not here.
18:52What?
18:53I've phoned him, but...
18:55Oh, yeah, I wouldn't do that.
18:58They might...
18:59They could be poisonous.
19:00I don't care.
19:01There's 247 people in there.
19:03All right, well, let's just get you out of here then.
19:05I can't leave.
19:06It's my wedding.
19:07It's gonna be a pretty weird wedding if there's no groom.
19:08Oh, I'll marry you then.
19:10No, no, I don't want to be married.
19:12Marry me!
19:13No!
19:15Oh my God, that's like two rejections in the last 15 minutes.
19:21I'm going to the room!
19:22He's going to the room.
19:23Why is he going to the room?
19:25They're coming after me.
19:26I need a helicopter over.
19:29Righto, coming up.
19:30Do we have a helicopter?
19:32No, of course we don't have a helicopter.
19:35It's so high!
19:38Right, come on.
19:40What are you doing?
19:41Listen, he didn't show off, right?
19:42But also, fuck him.
19:43You didn't show off either.
19:45Yeah.
19:45Yeah?
19:46Yeah, fuck him!
19:48Go on!
19:48Yeah, fuck him!
19:50Fuck him!
19:51Fuck him!
19:51Fuck him!
19:54Fuck him!
19:56Fuck him!
19:57Fuck him!
19:57Fuck him!
20:00Fuck him!
20:02Fuck him!
20:06Fuck him!
20:06Fuck him!
20:06Fuck him!
20:08Fuck him!
20:09Fuck him!
20:10Fuck him!
20:13Fuck him!
20:15Fuck him!
20:16Fuck him!
20:19Fuck him!
20:21Fuck him!
20:22Fuck him!
20:23Fuck him!
20:24Just shoot him, Liam!
20:25There's no more room!
20:26Over!
20:27We're not in any danger down here, though,
20:29are we, Huggins?
20:30Over!
20:30Well, no, you're fine.
20:31I overheard the guy says he's going to make sure the whole thing blows over.
20:39No, up. Blows up. That was it.
20:42Julie?
20:44So, Bob?
20:45Hello?
20:48Oh, my God, something just blew up.
20:50Well, it's a rough area, Bob. Things explode.
20:53Jesus, you can't even eat a donut without getting jammed all the fucking hell.
20:58How long have you had a bullet wound in your chest, Bob?
21:00So, that's what it was. I thought I had heartburn.
21:06They got me in the end.
21:08Julie?
21:09Tell Melanie I...
21:14Oh, no.
21:18Bob?
21:19Hello?
21:21Must be a dead spot.
21:25Shit!
21:33Well, this is my start.
21:39Oh.
21:51No, it is jammed.
21:52Oh.
21:54Oh.
21:56So, it was heartburn after all.
21:58So, panic over.
22:01Oh.
22:01Oh.
22:13Oh.
22:17Oh.
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