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00:07I was engaged once really yeah so if you ever need any advice I had a wedding
00:12folder and everything thanks but I'll be all right it's not long to go now
00:16she's got me a nice engagement ring diamond solitaire it's worth about 20
00:20grand I mean she stole it as it turns out and she was using me to transport it
00:25to Spain but still oh the police called me a donkey which I thought was a bit
00:29harsh a mule mule yes that was it oh it's a nice fort though and a lovely ring
00:35see I've got fingers for elegant jewelry mmm one day
01:06a bob
01:08maybe something a little less ordinary you know maybe a shag
01:13a shag yes I've been thinking about that a lot recently choppy and erratic
01:18dangerous and wrong
01:20tousled by bald man
01:34bob ah julie would you care for a cup of tea oh I'm sorry I thought I was calling a
01:40senior
01:40police officer I seem to come through to starbucks yeah I've just made one so it's no trouble trouble
01:44trouble we are in trouble up to our tits bob we've got to stop cunningham if we can just find
01:49a way to
01:50get rid of that crazy bastard then both of our jobs are safe do you understand if you say so
01:55now I hate
01:56to think of you as any sort of partner but do you think the cunningham might have any
01:59skeletons in his closet I mean literally would be ideal so you can ask him he's
02:03right here you're on speakerphone which weren't the exact words that Melanie said and I said Melanie
02:10how dare you be so rude about our lovely
02:12it was
02:16it's um wrong number sir
02:17oh my god
02:21Taylor Swift writes the most incredible lyrics she she knows exactly how I feel
02:26she's actually describing my life it's incredible I don't know how she does I really don't it's my life
02:38Dostoevsky what's he special branch he was writing phone snatching reports when I knew him and he goes and writes
02:44a training guide
02:45oh my god she's the biggest disaster in the world ever oh no did Instagram go down for five minutes
02:49no it's worse there's no music music doesn't exist at the wedding they've pulled out
02:54you have shit hot red peppers never heard of them they're a tribute band who they're a tribute to
02:59red hot chili peppers oh right I thought you're gonna say Coldplay Jack's favorite band and chili peppers not Coldplay
03:06I could sing for you
03:07well yeah I'll be your wedding singer
03:13seriously what am I gonna do I can actually sing
03:17what would you be like George Michael or like Robbie Williams no I'd I'd just be myself I think
03:24a bit boring no offense then how could I possibly be offended what would you sing
03:29I'd write you something especially for the occasion
03:32you'd do that for me yeah
03:34and I'd get Ed Sheeran to throw in a few lurks because we're pretty close
03:38oh they can do it now they've managed to hire another van
03:41few good because uh I know Ed's pretty busy at the minute so
03:46yeah yeah few
03:49that was really kind though that offer I will sing it's your next wedding
03:54you had to go and spoil it didn't you
04:05sorry excuse me have you seen Melanie she's she's about this tall very plain looking a bit
04:10cardigan-y I am Melanie
04:13so I didn't didn't spot you there and under all that nonsense that yeah yeah is
04:22is this for me this cake no this cake is for someone else someone else yes that problem sir no
04:30no just that normally that the cakes are for me I know but this time I've decided it's for someone
04:35else
04:36right I've made a lot of cakes for you you see and you've never made one back
04:41unusual shape isn't it it's a self-portrait
04:43yeah but you're not diamond shaped it's a self-portrait of my vagina
04:50yeah
05:14what are your scuzzy little family up to eh any crimes afoot I'm on it I'm like chasing prawn I'll
05:21get to the end of my vagina
05:22intel god damn it
05:23oh dear god
05:25now then engaging with the community we must all work together policing's not possible without the cooperation of the public
05:34unless you live in Russia or something
05:35thankfully we don't live in Russia
05:37who knows what a police state is
05:41that'd be like if me and I feel out for dinner
05:44in your dreams
05:45no not not a date a state a police state
05:48actually we're not really police officers it'd be a little bit more like if you and superintendent's bra were getting
05:52it on
05:53but that's not gonna happen
05:55because you're like 80 you know so
05:57no no because she's ugly
05:59no because she's you know she's
06:02parks her car in a different bay
06:04so anyway the point is we do not live in a police state
06:08we are free to say what we want do what we want as far as I'm concerned
06:11this is the most important area of police work
06:15the pubic area
06:18who did this
06:19did what what's the problem
06:21you cannot touch the whiteboard
06:23you just said we can do what we want in this country
06:25no not if it's subversive or rude
06:27is it actually illegal though
06:28no I don't care about the law
06:30no people who engage in rubbing and wiping what isn't theirs
06:33it's the lowest of the low
06:35you're all gonna be punished
06:36that's not fair
06:37you don't know whether it was one of us that did it
06:39not fair
06:39not fair
06:40but if you just listen to Afia
06:42I'll decide what what what she thinks
06:44isn't it better to engage
06:45positive interaction
06:46you can't just say what you want
06:47freedom of speech
06:48no you just shut up
06:50shut up
06:51shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up
06:54I'll decide what is what
06:55and who is who
06:57and why is why
06:58nobody is to speak for a week
07:01a day
07:04no an hour
07:05one and nobody
07:06is that clear
07:07I said is that clear
07:12except for you
07:13you
07:21I'd like some advice
07:23oh my god
07:24is she okay
07:24the thing is
07:26the thing is
07:28there's this RPG
07:30role playing game
07:31on your computer
07:32I know what it is
07:33thank you
07:33and there's a character
07:34a really smart
07:36feisty young woman
07:38who gets into
07:39a sticky situation
07:41is she attacked by a zombie
07:42well she kind of thought
07:43it was a zombie at first
07:44but then she realises
07:46that maybe he wasn't
07:47after all
07:48and perhaps
07:49she regrets
07:50what she did
07:51what did she do
07:52she bit his head off
07:53oh sweet
07:54ah I see
07:56yeah no coming back
07:57from that
07:57that zombie is done
07:58what do you reckon
07:59sounds like you should
08:00start again
08:00maybe go and apologise
08:02what if it is a zombie
08:04they can regenerate
08:05I'd take my chances
08:07oh wow
08:07you'd be a rubbish gamer
08:08I mean
08:09wow
08:14he's only gone
08:15and spent our pensions
08:16on a giant statue
08:17of Taylor fucking Swift
08:18I think we need to
08:19have a little word
08:20with our chief super
08:21yes
08:22we won't be forced out
08:24no we certainly won't
08:25I'll rabbit punch him
08:26in the cock
08:26and you rabbit punch him
08:27in the bum hole
08:28yes
08:28no what
08:29right
08:30we are prepared
08:31to physically fight
08:32to keep our jobs
08:33if anything
08:34we should be getting
08:35a raise
08:35the bollocks
08:36we put up with in here
08:37I actually find the job
08:38quite relaxing
08:39that's because you don't
08:40actually do the job
08:40Bob
08:41well what you got
08:42to say to that
08:42yeah come on you
08:43hmm
08:53oh my god
08:54he's dead
08:54what do you mean
08:55he's dead
08:55I mean he's dead
08:56glassy eyes
08:58no breath
08:59and a death erection
09:00oh my god
09:01the angel of lust
09:02it's drained all the blood
09:03from his body
09:04and popped it
09:04into his
09:05what not
09:06do you think
09:07he could have had
09:07a heart attack
09:08or a stroke
09:09is it death
09:09by natural causes
09:10obviously
09:13did you do that
09:14Bob
09:14no
09:16hey
09:17yes
09:23what's it
09:23what's it
09:25Bob Weeks
09:26signed appraisal forms
09:27it's a list of all my
09:29tiny indiscretions
09:30well at least he did
09:31something useful
09:32before he croaked
09:33because I'm going to have
09:33to get rid of the evidence
09:34I'll get Melanie
09:35and get an ambulance
09:36just
09:37no no no
09:48sorry
09:49didn't realize you were here
09:51deep meditative state
09:53totally zoned out
09:54method acting you know
09:55channeling my role as
09:57Paul Raynard
09:59who?
10:00a French millionaire
10:00in Agatha Christie's
10:02murder on the lynx
10:02for the Norborn players
10:04I get stabbed in the back
10:05and have to stay dead
10:06for 40 minutes
10:07they drone on
10:08so you know
10:09have to learn to zone out
10:13and you can return that
10:15when it comes out
10:16the other end
10:18bottoms up
10:20all the others
10:20filled us in a week ago
10:21you're late
10:23we need to touch base
10:24on how you're settling in
10:25mentally
10:26sorry mentally
10:27yeah yeah
10:28it's a big thing these days
10:29just say all's good
10:30and I can tick the box
10:31well there's a few things
10:33that you'd probably rather
10:34keep to yourself
10:34no I want to share them
10:35with you
10:36great
10:37can you keep it to three lines
10:39well I am quite mentally
10:40stressed
10:41good
10:41short to the point
10:42fits in the little box
10:43because I transferred here
10:44to find someone
10:45surely that's it
10:46to find the police officer
10:47who got my mother pregnant
10:48with me and he died
10:49in a shroud of mystery
10:49I just put bastard
10:51father unknown police officer
10:52my journey has led me
10:53across nine continents
10:54tracing tenuous leads
10:55hither and tither
10:56until I am now this close
10:58to finding the elusive scoundrel
11:00who I believe to be
11:01eight foot six
11:01with a handlebar moustache
11:03enough bollocks
11:03thank you
11:04go away
11:06sorry
11:07sorry to bother you
11:08we haven't been introduced
11:09I've told you
11:10it's me
11:12sorry
11:13you're not going to
11:15the mental health forms
11:16for all the recruits
11:21Connor Swift
11:23father unknown
11:25police officer
11:26born in 1998
11:28in England
11:32I myself was stationed
11:34in England
11:35in 1998
11:38Melanie
11:41could you please
11:42get me a
11:43DNA testing kit
11:44and keep it under your hat
11:46under my hat
11:47well then take it out
11:48from under your hat
11:48and give it to me
11:49why
11:50I just want to
11:52double check
11:53that I'm
11:53not the king of Scotland
12:02I mean
12:02I like it
12:04it's like
12:04ethereal and sexy
12:05all at the same time
12:06do you think Jack will cry
12:08when I wear this
12:08I really want him to cry loads
12:10when I walk down the aisle
12:11like sob
12:11not snot
12:12but like proper tears
12:13and also I want him to have
12:14a bit of an erection
12:15which is why I'm modelling it
12:16in front of you lot
12:17not the girls
12:19he's giving me a lump
12:20in the throat
12:20yeah he's giving me
12:21a lump in the groin
12:22if that helps
12:23he means an ethereal lump
12:24obviously
12:24thank you Paul
12:29yeah a bit of change
12:53everything all right Bob?
12:54just watching another man
12:57eating my vagina cake
13:00as long as it's nothing serious
13:23all right sir?
13:24all right sir
13:25I'm just so thirsty
13:28can I get you coffee?
13:29well can you?
13:30yeah
13:31it's just that Melanie
13:32normally furnishes me
13:33with the coffee
13:34she's not tending to me
13:36apparently she makes it
13:37in a special way
13:38come on let me try
13:41milk? sugar?
13:43yes but Melanie
13:44normally does
13:45does a lot
13:46well is it black like that
13:48or like a different colour?
13:49oh it's less like
13:50like that I think
13:51it's um
14:00this is it
14:01this is exactly
14:03how Melanie made it
14:04how did you know?
14:05that's just the way
14:06that I have it sir
14:07oh
14:08why
14:10thank you
14:11thank you
14:12some
14:13pardon me?
14:15some
14:15some
14:15some
14:15some
14:17chum
14:19you're welcome
14:24my son
14:26made me a cup of coffee
14:31right
14:32aren't you
14:32how are things?
14:34what?
14:35what's going down
14:36what's up?
14:37can't be seen just talking to me
14:38you've got to order something
14:39so as people can hear
14:41right of course
14:41what would you like my love?
14:43um
14:43well I'd like an electric scooter please
14:45something to eat
14:47oh yeah
14:49a coconut
14:49something that we serve
14:51oh of course yeah
14:52I might like some gravy
14:53gravy please
14:54just gravy is it?
14:56mm-hmm
14:56in a straight glass
14:58right
15:00what do you want?
15:01I just told you
15:01gravy
15:02no we've done that bit
15:03I'm getting you gravy
15:04why are you here?
15:05I'm just wondering
15:06if there are any plans afoot
15:08afoot?
15:09yeah you know
15:09what's the word on the street?
15:11I'm sure the word isn't afoot
15:12not on my street
15:13I've heard my dad talking about some
15:15ointment
15:16ointment?
15:17pigment
15:18shipment
15:18shipment yeah
15:20they're taking delivery on Saturday
15:21did you order online?
15:23fuck's sake no
15:24it's a delicate bit of trade
15:25know what I mean?
15:26just as well you didn't
15:27them delivery drivers
15:28just chuck it behind the bins
15:29it's a big deal
15:30are you in?
15:31it doesn't matter if I'm in
15:32they don't even ring the bell
15:33in on the job
15:34it's all going down
15:35at the old bakery
15:36what's that a pub?
15:37no it's an old bakery
15:39but if your dad hasn't told you
15:40then you ain't supposed to know
15:42no of course he told me
15:43he told me on the down below
15:46on the down low
15:47yeah
15:48so it's
15:50old bakery and shipment
15:51old bakery and shipment
15:53old bakery and shipment
15:55old bakery and shipment
15:56on three
15:58weirdest celebrity you've ever fancied
15:59one two three
16:00is piggy
16:01napoleon
16:02oh
16:03alright on three
16:04weirdest place you've ever done
16:13now tell me what they're planning
16:14they're receiving a special chipmunk
16:16on Saturday
16:17a chipmunk?
16:18I think so
16:18a shipment?
16:19a shipment yeah yeah
16:20and they're taking delivery on Saturday
16:21and it's not the online people
16:23I've checked
16:24which is just as well
16:25because them delivery drivers
16:26they just chuck the stuff behind the bins
16:27I don't even ring the bell
16:28yeah okay okay
16:29what are they delivering?
16:30I don't know
16:31but it's a
16:31it's a delicate bit of trade
16:34right what's that?
16:35I don't know
16:35it's just something she did
16:36she?
16:37who's she?
16:38my dad
16:39you know
16:39I sometimes call him she
16:41you can actually do that these days
16:42yeah I think you might have
16:43misunderstood the pronoun issue there
16:45and it is happening
16:46at the old cakery
16:47cakery?
16:47bakery
16:47bakery?
16:48what old bakery?
16:49she didn't
16:49he didn't
16:50they didn't say
16:51okay
16:51so I've done my bit haven't I?
16:54you should go
16:55thank you ma'am
16:56thank you
16:57oi get back here
16:58you just told me I should go
16:59no you should go
17:00to the old bakery
17:02be part of the deal
17:03I'm not invited
17:04well get an invite
17:05ask your dad
17:06she'll let you go won't she?
17:08my family don't trust me
17:09I don't trust me
17:10well quite frankly
17:10I don't trust you
17:12but I need to know
17:13who else is involved
17:14now we'll hide a wire
17:16about your person
17:17which person?
17:17about your person
17:19what I've got a person?
17:20oh Jesus
17:20just fuck off and work it out
17:23googling won't help
17:27you must not
17:28swear
17:29at the public
17:31even if the wankers
17:32are asking for it
17:33unless they use
17:34the F word
17:36or even the C word
17:37or if they use
17:38the K word
17:39the K word?
17:40yeah you know
17:41yeah I know
17:42of course I know
17:43the S word?
17:44I know all the words
17:45okay?
17:46which words mean
17:47you can punch
17:48someone?
17:48no
17:49oh my friend
17:50punching a suspect
17:51will land you
17:53in the shit
17:54unless you're punching
17:55in the sense of like
17:55punching above your weight
17:56like Danny and her fiancé
17:58yes that's fine
17:59hang on
17:59who's punching?
18:00no one
18:01it's not allowed
18:02no
18:02who's punching above their weight
18:03in our relationship?
18:05in our relationship?
18:06no
18:06me and Jack
18:07well you
18:07obviously
18:08rude
18:09you don't even know
18:10what he looks like
18:10I'm just going off
18:11how you've described him
18:12well I'm just
18:12probably exaggerating
18:14he's not massively
18:15more good looking than me
18:15we're probably about the same
18:16oh so he looks like
18:17a big girl then
18:18you look like a big girl then
18:19all right
18:20shut up
18:21good afternoon everyone
18:22sorry to interrupt
18:23sergeant
18:24just there's been
18:25a new policy initiative
18:26the surprise testing
18:29of police equipment
18:32who can tell me
18:33what this is?
18:34that's an sbg
18:35no
18:35which I know you know
18:36no
18:36it's an sbg
18:38a spit and bite guard
18:41now then
18:41I need a volunteer
18:43to spit at me
18:44anyone?
18:45um
18:47let's have you
18:47let's have you
18:48oh
18:48in here
18:49there
18:49how's that feel
18:50how's that feel
18:51er
18:51I mean it feels a bit
18:53gempy
18:53oh what's going on
18:54won't be long
18:55sergeant
18:55erm
18:56go on then
18:56have a spit at me
18:57go on
18:57what really?
18:58that's so gross
18:59you'll get it all over his face
19:01no it's alright
19:01I've got a wet wipe
19:02no worries about that
19:02go on have a little spit
19:03go on
19:04er
19:05go on
19:06good well done
19:07good well done
19:08and quick as we can
19:08let's get that off
19:09and
19:11pop it in the bag
19:12that was it
19:13and finally
19:14a little wet wipe for you
19:15well done everyone
19:17that was excellent
19:18er
19:19carry on sergeant
19:20thank you
19:22nob
19:23that's the k word
19:35hi
19:35Jasim
19:36you want to cut off my balls
19:37wear them as earrings
19:38er
19:38no
19:39what do you want then
19:41I just wanted to say
19:43I'm
19:44solid
19:44no
19:46I'm
19:47sordid
19:47succulent
19:48salad dressing
19:49what
19:49I am
19:52speaking
19:53an apology
19:55speaking an apology
19:56what language is that
19:58don't make this hard for me
19:59oh like you made it easy for me
20:00when I asked you out
20:01I'm sorry okay
20:02there it is
20:04oh shit
20:06genuinely didn't know I could do that
20:07wow
20:08new word is it
20:09pretty much
20:10the thing is
20:11I've had my eyes open
20:13really wide recently
20:14surgically
20:15I've seen people in a different light
20:17you can see urine and semen
20:18if it's ultraviolet
20:19yes I know that
20:20bloods
20:20detergents
20:21antifreeze
20:22tooth whiteness
20:22certain types of fungal infections
20:24yes yes
20:24our group did all of this too
20:27who have you seen in a different light
20:30you
20:30have I got a fungal infection
20:32bloody hope not
20:34otherwise I might have to change my mind about you
20:36being you know
20:39someone to go out with
20:41oh
20:42I see
20:45so I win
20:45no
20:47I win
20:48no
20:48I win
20:49we both win
20:51deal
21:01what are you doing
21:02oh leave
21:03watch the paint work
21:04will ya
21:06I'm in
21:07yeah I can see that
21:08I'm in
21:09in what
21:10incapable
21:11incontinent
21:11what you on about
21:12I'm in
21:13Saturday night
21:13lovely
21:14well put the telly on
21:15have a little wank
21:16get yourself a macky dee's
21:17not necessarily in that order
21:18I'm coming
21:19to the old bakery
21:21how do you know about that
21:22I'm not as daft as people think
21:24who's been shooting their mouth off
21:26fuck I didn't hear about that
21:27that's horrible
21:28no
21:29who's been telling you stuff
21:30oh
21:31um
21:31well you know
21:32I've got to protect my sources
21:34fucking auntie no
21:35I am not
21:36you are not
21:37coming on Saturday
21:38why not
21:38fucking forget about it
21:40alright
21:40it's too big of a deal
21:41how long have you used my special skills
21:42it's got to be something I can do
21:47actually
21:48do you know what expendable means
21:51no
21:51great
21:53what about stooge
21:54ooh
21:54uh
21:54no
21:56fantastic
21:57well look
21:58I'll tell you what I can do
21:58I'll
21:59maybe
22:00have a little word with dad
22:01you know
22:02see if you look you do the handover
22:03or something
22:04really
22:04you just moved that
22:05yeah
22:07yeah I reckon I do
22:08thanks Bob
22:09hey you're the best
22:11now get the fuck out of me car
22:13oh
22:13you're ok
22:14now what I'll tell you about
22:15shoes on the upholstery
22:16oh
22:17hey
22:18hey my shoes you prick
22:19yeah
22:20I'll tell you about it
22:20you're the best
22:22oh
22:23oh
22:23oh
22:23oh
22:23oh
22:23oh
22:24oh
22:25oh
22:28oh
22:28oh
22:40oh
22:41oh
22:43oh
22:44oh
22:45You
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