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00:08what do you think Mickey dress or suit for my big return to the tonight show I need to eat
00:14red
00:16well we're almost there can you hold out almost at Neiman's got that salad we love I'll try but
00:22you know how I am when I'm hungry I'm severely hypoglycemic well all right now but Mickey don't
00:29think about it let's talk about something else I got your invitation to your comeback party very
00:37fancy yeah I'm tenting the whole yard it's a chocolate fountain party theme fun yeah well
00:43it's not every day your series debuts so Jane did you get your invitation yeah how did you get my
00:53address uh wasn't easy had to make four calls I want you to get your own personal invite you know
01:00not from star to producer but from Valerie to Jane you know I just feel like we've gotten really close
01:08over these past 20 weeks don't you Jane yeah yeah could you please keep your eyes on the road oh
01:17no
01:17yeah no I am I am I'm not gonna make it to Neiman's everything's starting to swirl all right well
01:23let's
01:24find a 7-eleven get you a bag of nuts or something can you talk about your feelings about the
01:30comeback
01:30premiere well I'm beside myself with I'm sorry darling yeah I'm gonna wait for Jane okay I'm sure
01:39you're very competent but um just doesn't feel the same uh she wanted us to start without her did
01:46she well I'm gonna wait thank you I'm gonna wait Mickey thanks man I don't know how I'm supposed to
01:56open up to a man
01:57just shows up today out of nowhere Jeff he's here every time we do a studio interview
02:05well I don't know how I'm supposed to know who anyone is with these lights shining in my
02:10eyes I can't tell oh oh there's Jane I'm here sorry I'm late I got held up doing another interview
02:15did you yes well why would you schedule another interview same time as mine it was the only time
02:20he'd give us he who's he Polly G you interviewed Polly G why why would you Jason Silver wanted it
02:31and he he agreed they got lawyers involved so so now now is when they decide to force him to
02:40talk
02:41about me now after I punched him and you brought him in during a hiatus week sure he was thrilled
02:47about that so what did he trash me you say bad things yeah well that's fine I was trying to
02:59take
02:59the high road here by not saying what I really think about him but I need to go on the
03:04record
03:05okay I'm gonna go on the record now I have tried everything I could to be nice to him but
03:10Polly G
03:11has got it out for me from the first minute he saw me he has been nothing but hurtful he
03:16is abusive
03:17he is threatening he's a monster and I hate to say that about anyone I really do but he leaves
03:24me no
03:24choice yeah he has a problem with actresses or success or something maybe he has a problem with
03:32a woman that he doesn't want to have sex with I don't know I'm not a therapist all I know
03:37is that
03:37after months and months of personal attacks yes I hit him but only after he made a very painful remark
03:47about my scoliosis and yes I'm ashamed of what I did I am but after everything he did to me
03:53he had
03:54it coming anything else I gave him a first show gift from Tiffany and he never even acknowledged that
04:07he received it there yeah I'm done I'm done Jane yeah okay yeah how's that Mickey huh you sure that
04:21was
04:21wise well yeah fight fire with fire but we did have one night where I don't know if you know
04:29this
04:29but lions have sex for like 10 12 hours straight tell me about it yeah Billy Billy this is going
04:42over
04:43there's not gonna be enough time for another guest well let's just wait and see I made a big decision
04:50read I'm bringing Robert to your chocolate fountain party that's great Mickey yeah who's Robert
04:58my lover I'm using your comeback party as my come out party and all these years I've never brought him
05:05to a work function and I think it's about time yeah don't put a pin in that Billy she keeps
05:10trying to
05:11wrap it up and he keeps going so hi it looks like we're going wrong oh no no no no
05:19no no ways
05:19though no no you can't go long I mean she's here to plug the comeback and it premieres tomorrow night
05:22yeah I'm plugging the comeback and it premieres tomorrow night I know and we feel awful so we're
05:27going to make Valerie Jay's first guest the night after it airs the night after yes everyone will be
05:33all buzzed from having seen the show and you can talk about the reaction and then Jay will have more
05:38to say and it'll be great it's not as great as tonight you know I'm sorry no I understand I
05:46get
05:46it yeah what can you do go out can't go out there and grab a movie star off the couch
05:51by your hair
05:51right no no you know so thanks darling appreciate it okay good awesome then I'll see you then
05:59yeah thanks all right well first guest that's something right right good yeah that's good
06:08okay well couldn't have worked out better you know the rest have my bath you know I need all
06:15those things can happen it seems you know just that's the truth you know well I better run home
06:22and change okay you're beautiful red thank you back in a flash with Robert my lover that's right
06:32that's right oh did you get that looks so good oh I need to wire you yeah oh no no
06:41no smoking in the
06:42house not inside not inside you why don't you go put that out right now huh you want to hold
06:53on to
06:58this well I don't Jane Jane hi I'm standing in for Jane Jeff from the studio oh yeah no I
07:10knew that
07:10yeah sure where is Jane she wasn't feeling well she had to go home so oh no well what's wrong
07:16with
07:16her what is it no idea she just called me to cover okay well Jeff listen Jane and I don't
07:23like that
07:23sound guy all right creeps us out I didn't know we need extra help tonight so yeah no that's true
07:30right I know that but just you know never again huh never again and make sure he doesn't smoke in
07:36the
07:36house all right Mark and I quit five years ago and the smell makes us sick yeah yeah it's me
07:43oh okay
07:44hello look oh great that's great come on in oh don't y'all look so nice oh this is okay
07:56this is
07:57Esperanza's husband Carlos and the three girls why don't y'all go out and enjoy the chocolate fountain okay
08:06I'll be with you yeah oh well you shouldn't have thank you thank you good luck with your comeback shot
08:18okay why don't you go have some fun now huh I did it I did it do to yourself yes
08:26I was gonna do you
08:31put this away yeah so and you can use pretzels or the grapes or marshmallows
08:41you know well you don't have to there are no rules have fun that's right
08:47hi girls Francesca you're at the wrong table kids you're supposed to be at that table you had place
08:54cards and everything so that's all right yeah just move over there careful don't get me with the
09:00chocolate oh good listen we need more clean plates over there all right Gigi welcome oh thanks for
09:10inviting me this is so fun oh well you think this is fun wait you see the chocolate fountain oh
09:15I see
09:16it but uh keep me away I just started on the zone good for you oh that's wonderful what was
09:22it the
09:23dress ripping on the red carpet what um well yeah oh yeah well onward and upward huh good haven't
09:31uh haven't seen any of the other writers here so what happened big bad wolf oh let them come or
09:37yeah I don't uh-huh I'm not oh there's Eddie hi well hi Eddie thanks for inviting oh my pleasure
09:44oh
09:44Esperanza put those down put those down enjoy yourself guests at the party not Peter how is it
09:54ain't nothing wrong with chocolate baby well put really going over big oh hey the video guys said
10:02we're all ready to go good oh Tom oh Tom you came oh so glad to see you oh you
10:09look great real
10:10healthy thanks yeah oh this is my wife Sarah hi hi oh I feel like I know you this is
10:17silly come here
10:17give me a hug good good oh pretty perfume oh thank you I make it myself well it's frankincense with
10:26a
10:26little patchouli is it wow pal you really really went all out here well it's a big night so but
10:36Tom
10:36I'm I'm sorry but I couldn't invite Polly not after the incident you know just couldn't do it did
10:41you hear what happened no we don't really talk about work yeah and you know now's not the time or
10:47place to get into it but you know you made an off-color joke about the rod in my back
10:50I have a rod in my
10:51back so I lost it I lost it you know and he just we went too far you know just
10:57went too far so but
10:59don't worry it's not gonna stop me from continuing to give it my all at room and board it won't
11:04it
11:04won't okay so don't worry enjoy the chocolate oh god I love those chocolate fountains are making a
11:11hum well what do you want me to do turn it off chocolate fountain party you have to
11:17look who's here Robert congratulations thank you doll America this is Robert Fanzini and we're lovers
11:27well there you go all right that's done listen everyone I have an announcement to make
11:34so stop stop not yet all right now unless you've been living under a rock
11:44I have a new reality show called the comeback so I would just like to thank everyone here for your
11:53love and support and I need to give an extra special thank you to my husband mark and my producer
12:00Jane
12:00who is homesick tonight so but she's with us in spirit so and there is no talking during the show
12:11uh save it for the commercials all right and now please enjoy the comeback
12:21oh and I'm on the tonight show tomorrow
12:29this is my comeback
12:40that's adorable
12:46Hollywood the land of dreams my name is Valerie Cherish and I'm an actress 10 years ago I starred in
12:54the hit
12:54sitcom I'm it Mike I'm very fond of you I never thought I'd work again never said surprise
13:05what do you mean
13:06Nikki you were there I told them I wouldn't say that
13:08Valerie Bertinelli
13:09no
13:11I love Valerie Cherish
13:13oh baby girl
13:15I have ever since I was nine I mean I used to try to stay up past my bedtime to
13:19watch
13:19I'm it Valerie has been in the business forever forever forever
13:25when they told us who else was in the show I was like Valerie what yeah who's this has been
13:30with the eighties hair so Val that was the first day that's all right Jesse no everyone I'm fine
13:35with it reality TV I was expecting it but for the record I always thought I'd work again
13:40it's okay we all know that try not to take it personally
13:44you know Valerie's a star I love being you know in an ensemble
13:49that's true surround me with a great cast and I am in sitcom heaven
13:53I love black everyone on the set knows I'm just wild about black delicious
14:01I was talking about hair color that's out of content
14:04hey Mickey what's up
14:14and she's the perfect step-mom Francesca
14:18Francesca I didn't say you have more people
14:20are you smoking are you not don't throw it in the pool
14:25what's the matter with you is that wine
14:26put your clothes on right now
14:28see they take some things that happen one day
14:31and then they place it where it wasn't supposed to be
14:33do you think they're going to use that thing I said about us doing coke
14:37well what does it matter now Mark
14:39it just did
14:43Jeff this means stop Jane knows
14:46what do I think of Valerie Cherish
14:48uh oh here it comes well children and those who are weak at heart
14:52you might want to run for the exits
14:53so not my biggest fan here
14:56but don't worry I'm ready for this
14:57I am
15:01she's a terrific comedic actress
15:03you know
15:04she's always very professional
15:07we're lucky to have her on room and board
15:09Polly G has got it out for me
15:11from the first minute he saw me
15:13he has been nothing but hurtful
15:15he is abusive
15:16he is threatening
15:17he's a monster
15:27yes
15:27yes I hit him
15:29but he had it coming
15:33he has a problem
15:34with actresses or success or something
15:37maybe he has a problem with a woman that he doesn't want to have sex with
15:45look
15:47look
15:48the cameras get them out of here
15:51wait
15:51that's quite enough
15:56did you know that Mark was married before
15:58well when they got married
16:00Francesca wanted
16:01nothing to do with her
16:05Val you can come out now
16:06everybody's gone
16:10come on Val open the door
16:11let me in
16:13alright no cameras
16:16just you
16:25you're smoking
16:25well I'm upset
16:28give me a drag
16:34see that
16:36see that
16:36yes
16:38I made that asshole look like the good guy and I'm the bad guy
16:40he's the bad guy Mark
16:42he's the bad guy
16:44give me a minute
16:44give me another drag
16:45you can get your own
16:47I stole that same guy's hat so
16:48okay
16:50oh god
16:52I knew they'd manipulate things
16:54I knew that
16:55I knew it
16:57I knew it
16:57but they cut out everything
16:58everything that he's been putting me through for months and months
17:02and then they made it the crazy actress show
17:08how am I going to show my face on linen
17:10huh
17:11how am I going to show my face anywhere
17:13well at least I didn't show the thing about us doing coke
17:16not this week Mark
17:18not this week
17:19we've got 12 more weeks of god knows what kind of humiliations in store for us
17:24huh
17:27and Jane's not sick
17:29she's not sick
17:30she knew
17:30she knew
17:31she's always standing around
17:33not saying anything
17:34with her mean spider eyes
17:38yeah
17:38yeah
17:39oh
17:39I
17:40no
17:41what
17:41no
17:42not fair
17:43that is not fair
17:44no
17:45how would you like it
17:46if I came to your house with a camera
17:48and snuck up on you
17:50huh
17:50they say keep filming
17:51alright
17:51no
17:52that's fine
17:54what are you looking for
17:56yeah
17:56my address book
17:58here
17:59okay
18:00where are you
18:02spider eyes
18:03okay
18:04yeah
18:04good
18:05good
18:06wanna do a reality show?
18:07let's do a reality show
18:09let's do one
18:10come on Jake
18:12Jeff
18:12whatever the hell your name is
18:13let's go
18:14what are you doing?
18:15I want both cameras
18:16both cameras with me in the navigator
18:18no no no no
18:19don't do this
18:19you're too upset
18:22Christ
18:25come on everybody
18:27let's get the navigator
18:28come on let's go
18:37upstairs
18:51Val
18:52see how she likes it
18:54guys I need one of you at the door
18:56one of you on the door
19:12what the fuck are you doing?
19:14yeah
19:14how do you like it Jane huh?
19:16what are you feeling right now?
19:17Lucy no
19:17huh?
19:18can you get the dog?
19:19is there someone in there with you?
19:21who is it?
19:21a man?
19:22a woman?
19:22what?
19:22we wanna know
19:23get a camera in there
19:24why don't you?
19:24this is insane
19:25Jeff stop
19:25see how you like it
19:26you betrayed me
19:27I didn't edit it
19:28they did
19:28I can't even show my face on the tonight show tomorrow
19:31I have waited ten years to do that
19:33Val
19:35let's go
19:36fuck them
19:36yeah fuck them
19:38that's right
19:38fuck them
19:39I quit
19:39you tell them I quit
19:41I'm done
19:43you're an asshole Jeff
19:44that's a good TV
19:46keep the navigator
19:47keys are inside
19:48cause I don't need it
19:49I don't need any of this
19:50you can tell them that
19:51when you tell them I quit
19:52no
19:53don't
19:53you know what on second thought
19:54don't tell them anything
19:56okay
19:56they can watch me quit tomorrow night
19:58on the tonight show
19:59alright
20:00I'm gonna tell my friend Jay
20:01everything
20:03everything that you deceitful people did to me
20:06America's gonna know
20:07they're gonna know
20:08no that's it
20:09we're done
20:10yeah
20:10that's right
20:11we're done
20:13we're done
20:16I don't get it
20:17didn't she sign up for this
20:19thank you
20:23I don't need this mic pack anymore
20:35here they come
20:56what are you doing here Jane I quit
20:58I have to follow you you're still under contract
21:00fine fine you can shoot me quitting
21:04shame on you Jane you're just lucky my lover Robert has a sense of humor
21:11go
21:11go
21:26oh my god Valerie I saw your show last night that was the grossest thing I've ever seen
21:31I almost threw up watching it my boyfriend he T wrote it back three times and I kept the
21:35that's right I don't wanna let's not talk about the show
21:37thanks
21:37okay yeah
21:38alright then they're gonna come into wiring in a few minutes
21:41thank you
21:44grossest thing I've ever seen
21:45thank you for that Jane
21:47Valerie I'm sorry you're upset but people are talking about it
21:49alright you know what I don't want to hear another word from you
21:52ever
21:54ever
21:56and I need to know that I am being heard
21:59am I being heard
22:02he told me not to say
22:03alright alright
22:05okay how about we not upset Val two seconds before she goes out there
22:08yeah don't upset me two seconds before I go out there
22:11Billy do me a favor go out make sure Mark's got a seat
22:14oh yeah right of course
22:15thank you
22:15thank you
22:38what are you gonna say
22:39I'm gonna say that
22:41tell them
22:41reality TV is humiliation TV
22:44that people's characters are being destroyed just so other people have something to T-vote
22:48and then I'm gonna quit the comeback
22:50are you sure about this Red?
22:52I mean it did get you back on the tonight show
22:54yeah Mickey there's a good way to get back on the tonight show in a bad way
22:57this is the bad way
23:00Dolph you go sit with Mark make sure he's okay alright and then I'll see you after
23:04thank you
23:04this is you
23:05thank you
23:07thank you
23:09all right you may remember my next guest as the star of I'm It
23:12well she's back on TV
23:13enjoy this
23:13this is your last shot
23:14with the reality show that had to debut last night
23:16please welcome Valerie Cherish ladies and gentlemen
23:32thank you
23:33thank you
23:34thank you
23:35have a seat
23:36yes yes
23:37it's nice to see you again it's been a while
23:40yeah thanks James good to be back
23:41yeah I gotta tell you something I'm not a big fan of reality shows
23:45and I'll tell you something after last night neither am I
23:48okay
23:49I come into work today
23:50everybody everybody is talking about what happened on your show last night
23:53yeah well
23:54how many people saw the comeback did you see it last easy
23:56okay
23:57alright that's about
24:00that's about half let's show the other half with all the hoopla was about okay let's put up the monitor
24:05here check this out
24:05oh no
24:06oh god
24:07what's that
24:08nothing
24:09just if I could say one thing
24:10sure sure but first let's show people the clip so they know what we're talking about right
24:14take a look at this
24:15here we go
24:16last night
24:17last night on the show
24:31that's when you think you've seen it all here comes the rare double vomit
24:36vomit on TV
24:37see
24:38I mean look
24:38yeah there you go
24:41that's right
24:41come on let's
24:44we're all adults we've all seen vomit on TV but the rare double vomit you never see that
24:48see now you're talking
24:50plus it's a giant cupcake vomiting
24:52that's what I call quality television isn't it yeah
24:57I gotta say Valerie Valerie let me tell you something
25:00you have got a right hook young lady
25:03look out Hillary Swank
25:06you should know that it's all taken out of
25:08hold on hold on I gotta get ready in case I say something you know you don't like
25:13now I think I think I could take you but just in case I've got a little air sickness bang
25:18right here
25:21you like that audience look under your seats everybody check under your seats we have a little surprise
25:25there you go everybody in the audience have one
25:29in fact I've got gloves to you and gloves here try those on just try those on let's see
25:34okay
25:35it's what I was wearing
25:36there we go
25:37there we go let's see what you got
25:38where'd you get these
25:40where'd you get these
25:40come on
25:41the cupcake kit
25:42you think I can take it let's go you wanna give it a shot come on
25:45see ya
25:55to you
26:12let's go
26:14the
26:17What are you feeling?
26:19Complete the sentence. I am feeling blank.
26:22Oh, okay.
26:29Hello?
26:31Yeah, I can hold.
26:32It's Jason Silver.
26:36Hey, awesome job, Val.
26:38Oh, you can't smoke in here.
26:40Oh, I'll put it out.
26:41Oh, it's okay. All the stars do.
26:43Just close the door, and any time you want to come back, you let us know.
26:48Jane, the door.
26:51Oh, okay, here she is. It's Jason.
26:53Val, congratulations on the show last night.
26:56People can't stop talking about it.
26:58The network's going to replay it on Friday at 10.
27:00They want to give this thing a chance to catch on.
27:03You there?
27:04Yes.
27:05This crazy vomit thing has pushed it over the top.
27:08They're picking you up for another season.
27:10How's that?
27:11Great.
27:12Keep up the good work.
27:13Gotta go.
27:15Okay.
27:16Jane got picked up.
27:19He's picking us up for another season.
27:21After one episode.
27:24What?
27:24That never happens.
27:26Never.
27:26Never happens.
27:28Oh, my God.
27:29Wow.
27:30I know.
27:33Okay.
27:35See that?
27:37Crack right over.
27:45I don't know how I'm going to keep this up.
27:47You know, what am I going to do next year?
27:49Explode.
27:50You know?
27:54Oh.
27:55Oh, no.
27:56I don't.
27:57Jane.
27:58I don't smoke.
28:00Don't smoke on camera.
28:04Maybe you better.
28:05Yeah.
28:05Just, you know, for now.
28:08Here she comes.
28:10All right.
28:16Get higher.
28:18Climb up on that car.
28:23Darling.
28:26All the food that I have I didn't get for you and so I want.
28:31Valerie?
28:33Look, Valerie.
28:34Look, Valerie.
28:34You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you.
28:38Yeah.
28:39You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you.
28:42Yeah.
28:43You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you into someone who could cherish
28:49me as much as I cherish you all.
28:53Whoa.
28:56That was very good.
28:58That was very good.
28:59I can see you.
29:05All the feeling that I have I'm writing here for you inside.
29:11Plead of me.
29:12Plead of me today.
29:13Yeah.
29:14You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you.
29:17You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you into someone who could
29:28cherish me as much as I cherish you.
29:34Is that everybody?
29:34Did I get everybody?
29:36And I do.
29:38Love you too.
29:42Thank you all.
29:43Thank you so much.
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