- 3 hours ago
Category
đș
TVTranscript
00:06I
00:06Feel split my balls or literally on fire.
00:09Is this normal?
00:09I thought Cecil said it was an easy recovery.
00:12The first 48 are always the worst.
00:14It'll be smooth sailing.
00:15Yeah, I hope so.
00:16Mr. Barclays is next week.
00:17Oh, please.
00:18He'll be yanking it nonstop by then.
00:20From your lips to God's ears.
00:21Fuck, he hurts.
00:22He's fine.
00:23Okay, buddy.
00:23Okay, okay, sit up, sit up.
00:25Sit up, sit up, sit up.
00:26Hold on.
00:29Turn it up.
00:30Turn it up.
00:36So, Mrs. Kreischer, is it your assertion that you baked these cookies yourself using vegetable oil?
00:42Yes.
00:43At least that's what the label said.
00:45But you're questioning the validity of that.
00:47Well, it's the only plausible explanation for how henna oil got into my cookies.
00:52And do you have any way of proving that this mislabeling occurred?
00:56Do you have any way of proving that it didn't?
01:03All right, team.
01:04Let's grab some lunch.
01:08Wow.
01:09You were something in there.
01:11Yeah?
01:12Okay, good.
01:13Happy to help anyway.
01:14I can't.
01:15I just want to make this right.
01:16Oh, I so appreciate that.
01:18Yeah.
01:19I mean, Walter did say it's a long shot, though.
01:21Seriously?
01:22Yeah.
01:23He's kind of worried it'll come across far-fetched.
01:26Huh.
01:27I know.
01:27That's for me, too.
01:28And he mentioned something about how the jury might find the whole thing complete bullshit.
01:33Does that make sense?
01:34I mean, yes and no.
01:37Yeah.
01:38Look, they say cases are won and lost in jury selection, so I think if we're smart about
01:43how we can-
01:44Sure, sure.
01:44But I think the concern he had there was that no one in the jury pool would be stupid enough
01:48to buy any of this crap.
01:50I don't know.
01:52I'm not a lawyer.
01:53That's disappointing.
01:54Hmm.
01:55Well, I guess we took it as far as we could.
01:57Hmm.
01:58There is one last thing Walter said we could do, but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable.
02:02You know what?
02:03I will do whatever it takes to help you win this thing.
02:05Great.
02:06I'm so happy to hear you say that.
02:08I'll schedule the polygraph for tomorrow.
02:11Polygraph?
02:16Maybe I could try to beat it.
02:18I could take a couple of Xanax, get my blood pressure down.
02:21Jesus.
02:22What am I saying?
02:23Oh, you put up a good fight, hon.
02:25Sometimes it's best to know when to fold them.
02:27Yeah.
02:28That's easy for a win.
02:29Yeah, it's tough to watch.
02:32So, the guys never figured out who leaked the surgery?
02:35Hmm?
02:35Landon didn't, he never had a new phone?
02:38Mm-mm.
02:38He didn't even try to log in from a different device, nothing?
02:41No, they're not tech savvy, I guess.
02:43Doesn't Randy own a software company?
02:45Oh, I think it went under.
02:47Probably because he fucking sucked at it.
02:49And Kirsten?
02:49What, are you writing a fucking book?
02:51I haven't heard from her.
02:52Well, just goes to show you, blackmail doesn't work, you know?
02:56As long as you're willing to stand strong, some semblance of a spine.
03:00Yeah.
03:11What is it?
03:15Oh, fuck me!
03:16Oh, fuck!
03:17It fucking tore!
03:18It fucking tore!
03:19They're gonna fall out!
03:20They're gonna fall!
03:21I'm telling you, they're gonna fall out!
03:22They're gonna be on the fucking ground!
03:24Ground!
03:25Ground!
03:25Ground!
03:25I did not expect this to happen at all.
03:27I have a lot of people to thank, so let's get through it.
03:29Um, first, let me say thank you to the student body, who clearly have excellent taste.
03:34Uh, now, to the people who got...
03:37Hi!
03:40What do you think?
03:41My sparkles material?
03:44They should be so lucky.
03:48I have to admit, though, it does feel really weird to, like, fit in after being an outcast for so
03:53long.
03:55Yeah.
03:56Exciting times.
03:58But in the off chance that tonight your name isn't the one that's announced as a winner,
04:03I just want you to know I'm proud of you.
04:07Thanks.
04:08But winning would be cool.
04:09Yeah.
04:10You know, a lot of people say runner-up is sometimes as good, if not better, than winning.
04:15Really? People say that?
04:16Of course winning's important, but there's so much to learn when you lose.
04:19Yeah, that's true, but I'd still rather win, so...
04:22You know who won?
04:23John F. Kennedy.
04:24They shot him.
04:25You know what they say, heavy is the crown.
04:28I've never heard that, I don't think.
04:30Either way, it's kind of nice to know your name was in the conversation, right?
04:33I don't really give a fuck about the conversation.
04:35Yeah.
04:36Well, it's out of our hands.
04:37Well, thank you, Dad.
04:38It's out of our hands.
04:39Yeah.
04:39Alright.
04:40Uh, Dad?
04:41Yeah?
04:42One more thing.
04:43I just want to say thank you.
04:45Hmm?
04:45For everything.
04:46Um, I have to admit, I doubted you, like, every step of the way, but you really came
04:53through.
04:53So, thank you.
04:56Yeah.
04:57You're welcome.
04:59Love you.
05:00Yeah, I love you too.
05:08Go straight down the hall.
05:10Have a great night.
05:11Ah!
05:11The Chrysers!
05:12Hey!
05:13Hey!
05:13Well, don't you look nice.
05:15Thank you, Miss Rossmeyer.
05:16It was quite the process that took all hands on deck.
05:18Okay.
05:19Hey, go somewhere.
05:20Just go.
05:21Georgia, you can check in down the hall.
05:22Perfect.
05:23We are so proud of you.
05:25You got this.
05:26Thank you, guys.
05:27Go get them.
05:30You're not nervous, are you?
05:32No.
05:34I imagine you've played a room this size before?
05:36Yeah.
05:37I have.
05:38Usually they're a little more wasted, but, you know.
05:41Right.
05:42And you had your stick to fall back on.
05:44Hey.
05:45Yeah.
05:46Yeah.
05:47Yeah.
05:48All right.
05:49I can think about it.
05:49I love you.
05:50All right.
05:52Awesome.
05:53You can.
05:55Hey, can I ask you about the funding for the new gym coming?
05:59Oh, my God.
06:00What a huge win.
06:01And it wouldn't have been possible without your husband.
06:04His vote put it over the top.
06:06His vote?
06:07Yeah.
06:07He has been such a great addition to the Barclays community.
06:11I gotta say, he's really surprised me.
06:16Yeah.
06:17You and me both.
06:20Mrs. Kreischer?
06:23You have a minute?
06:33You have an opening joke?
06:36Besides yourself?
06:41Yeah, Kirsten.
06:42As a matter of fact, I do.
06:44Great.
06:46Well, I just wanted to check in.
06:48Make sure you're feeling okay with the new arrangement.
06:50I'm really happy with it.
06:52It feels like a nice tweak on what we originally set up, right?
06:56Yeah.
06:57It's so much better.
06:58And my dad just had way more leverage.
07:01You don't do what he wants.
07:03Your whole world crumbles.
07:05It's just clean.
07:07You know, you don't have to do this.
07:11Is this really the way you want to win?
07:14Where does this need for popularity come from, Kirsten?
07:18Are you trying to fill some sort of a void?
07:21Hey, kiddo.
07:23I'm here.
07:25And I'm listening.
07:27Yeah, that bullshit doesn't work on me.
07:29Okay.
07:30Got it.
07:31Okay.
07:32Well, I'll let you do your thing.
07:34I imagine you have some button reinforcement to tend to.
07:50I'm a little concerned about Bert.
07:53Have you noticed any unusual behavior?
07:56Yeah.
07:57You could say that.
07:59Well, I feel I'm partially at fault.
08:01Maybe we overcorrected a bit.
08:04You think?
08:04Worried he's running with the wrong crowd and he's in too deep.
08:10Acceptance is like a drug, Leanne.
08:12And they've got Bert hooked on it.
08:15Okay, now you're scaring me.
08:17Well, you might want to buckle up for the next part.
08:21Have you ever heard the name Jean Magnuson?
08:51What the fuck is going on here?
08:53We have a leak.
08:54Yeah, well, we've discussed that, Glenn.
08:55No, no, no.
08:55It's a different kind of leak, Bert.
08:57Zachy's new sack ruptured.
08:58So now he's got spermatic fluid oozing out everywhere.
09:01All cause this fucking cocksucker fucked up.
09:04Relax.
09:04You better pray to fucking God.
09:06This doesn't ruin his chances tonight.
09:08I will fucking hate you, Leanne.
09:10I will fucking hate you, Leanne.
09:10I will fucking hate you, Leanne.
09:11You fucking great.
09:13Fuck.
09:14Well, you heard him.
09:15I swear to God, Emma.
09:16This is on me now?
09:17On top of all your stuff?
09:24So this guy was like a friend of theirs?
09:27They were inseparable until they weren't.
09:32What happened?
09:34Gene got spooked, wanted out.
09:38The only problem was he knew too much.
09:44So they killed him?
09:45What?
09:46No.
09:47Oh.
09:48Well, the way that you said it totally made it seem like...
09:51They ruined him.
09:53Found a pressure point.
09:55And squeezed.
09:57Till he couldn't take it anymore.
09:59His whole life imploded.
10:03He lost everything.
10:06His wife.
10:08Kids.
10:10That's awful.
10:12You're not suggesting this could happen to Bird.
10:15Are you?
10:15Yeah.
10:17I'm sure I'm just being paranoid.
10:19It's not like they have something they can use against him.
10:23Right.
10:23We're probably fine.
10:26I forgot we had this talk.
10:29Yeah, I forgot.
10:34Ladies and gentlemen, your headmaster, Miriam Rossmeyer.
10:45Good evening, and welcome to the eighth grade Mr. and Ms. Barclay's coronation.
10:53Our school's most prestigious honor.
10:56It represents the values we hold so dearly.
10:59Honesty.
11:01Integrity.
11:02Compassion.
11:03Past title holders include Academy Award winner, Colin Firth.
11:07Entrepreneur and influencer, Amelia Gray Hamlin.
11:11And Dance Moms champion, Jojo Siwa.
11:17Now, before I bring out our emcee for the evening, I'd like to thank all of our generous donors.
11:24The Davenports.
11:27$750,000.
11:28Hey.
11:29You good?
11:30Yeah.
11:31I'm fine.
11:32Why?
11:32I don't know.
11:33You don't seem like yourself.
11:37Is there anything that you want to tell me?
11:40No.
11:42Nothing I can think of.
11:43No.
11:43Nothing.
11:44Not even that you lied about voting to defund the LD department.
11:48The entire reason that we came to this school.
11:49What the fuck hurt?
11:51I didn't know.
11:52They tricked me.
11:53And hey, I'm going to fix it.
11:54We just got to stay in these guys' good graces.
11:56I'll keep my board seat, and it's all going to be fine.
11:58At what cost?
11:59Whatever the fuck it takes, Leanne.
12:00Okay?
12:00We're so close to sticking the landing.
12:02We can't throw it away now.
12:06They found out it was you who told Kirsten, didn't they?
12:09And now they're using it against you, but for what?
12:15No.
12:17Tell me that you're not actually thinking of-
12:19It's Ms. Barclidge, not a fucking Senate seat, okay?
12:22And trust me, George will get over it so much quicker than it'll take for us to start over.
12:26Remember, hey, we're doing this for our girls.
12:29Are you sure about that?
12:31This man would be receiving it.
12:32Without further ado, Bert Kreischer!
12:50Thank you, Miriam.
12:51That's my dad!
12:52Wow!
12:53Colin Firth and JoJo Siwa.
12:55Now that's the sex tape I'd pay for.
12:58No?
12:58Nothing?
13:00All right, we got a lot of kids in the room, so I figured I'd start off with a fun
13:04joke.
13:04What did Mr. T say after he pushed 50 Cent in the pool?
13:09How fitting the pool?
13:12If you want to date Zack, you should date Zack.
13:15And he is physically able to receive said handjob.
13:18A lot of parents who have a no blanket policy.
13:20Not us.
13:21Not us.
13:21Not us.
13:22All right!
13:23Let's announce Mr. Barclidge, huh?
13:26Miriam, the envelope, please.
13:33This year's Mr. Barclidge crown goes to...
13:39Zack Hotchkiss.
13:41Yeah!
13:41Fuck yeah!
13:43Whoo!
13:48Zack, wheel yourself up here, buddy.
13:58And now, for Ms. Barclidge.
14:04Miriam, the envelope, please.
14:09Thank you very much, Miriam.
14:33This is a big moment.
14:36Someone's life is about to change.
14:37The ultimate honor, acceptance by your peers.
14:42It's what we all want.
14:44I know I did.
14:46And I got it.
14:48I went from being a pariah to on the board in just a matter of weeks.
14:54And all I had to do was change every single thing about me.
15:01And compromise every value I've ever had.
15:09I turned into someone I didn't even recognize just for a seat at the table.
15:16And tonight, I'm supposed to open this envelope and say someone's name, no matter what the card says.
15:22Because that's the deal I made with Landon Vanderthal.
15:27I got manipulated.
15:29Brilliant tactic, actually.
15:31He blackmailed me while he was getting his dick sucked at a strip club.
15:35He threw me off my game.
15:37Deal. Deal.
15:38Carl, Sanjay, need you in the auditorium ASAP.
15:41All because I was afraid to tell my daughter the truth.
15:44I was using my world-class pedophile powers to seduce her boyfriend.
15:50Sweetie, Zach was using you to get to me.
15:53I only have myself to blame.
15:56I cut off my own balls.
15:59But I realize now, you can't take your balls for granted.
16:03Can you, Zach?
16:05So tonight, I'm reclaiming mine.
16:12Listen up, fuckers.
16:14I'm done giving the fuck.
16:16And unlike a lot of the lips, tits, and asses in this room, I'm done being fake as fuck.
16:21Carl, do you copy?
16:23I'm done fucking wearing this shit.
16:25I've been tucking my shirt in for two months.
16:28It's so uncomfortable.
16:30What the fuck are you people doing?
16:32I'm done changing in my car.
16:34I'm done carrying a goddamn garment bag.
16:37I'm done showering at a country club with uncircumcised men.
16:41I'm done sauntering with uncircumcised men.
16:44I'm done with uncircumcised men.
16:46I'm done sitting back while a bunch of pussy pics from women in this room get passed around and analyzed.
16:53Ladies, if your gynecologist is Dr. Shestak, I get a new gynecologist.
16:59And I will not sit silently while votes are bought on the board by the parents with the deepest pockets.
17:07Guys, a new gymnasium?
17:09Our kids are white.
17:10They're not going pro.
17:11We need to keep the LD department.
17:14And I know that because my vote was bought.
17:17And they said, ask no questions.
17:18Carl Sanjay, where the fuck are you guys?
17:20Well, I'm going to start asking some fucking questions.
17:23Like, what the fuck are we teaching our kids?
17:26That if you put on a uniform and you conform, lose your uniqueness, lose your originality, dull down your sparkle,
17:33that that's the Barclay's way for the simple price tag of $47,000 and every ounce of your dignity will
17:40fuck that.
17:42So here's what I'm going to do.
17:43I'm going to open this fucking envelope and read whatever goddamn name is on this fucking card.
17:49Because I am my own man.
17:52I will not be bought.
17:53I'm a fucking lone wolf who sits on top of the mountain, paws crossed, howling at the moon.
17:58And I don't care who I piss off.
18:00Ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for Miss Barclay?
18:09This year's Mrs. Fucking Barclay Jazz.
18:16Kirsten Vanderthal.
18:17Oh my God!
18:29Wow, wow! Thank you! Thank you so much. I was so not expecting this.
18:34I have so many people to thank.
18:36Um, congratulations.
18:37Aww, that's the man that I'm married.
18:41That wasn't funny, was it?
18:42Oh, not really.
18:43The big man's back, guys.
18:45I am back. I was so fucking lost.
18:47Yeah, you definitely were.
18:49Hey, I am so sorry. You must be disappointed.
18:53About me losing Miss Barclay, or you setting me up with Zach because you knew I couldn't give him a
18:58handjob.
18:59Wait, when did you figure that out?
19:01You almost pulled it off.
19:03So fucking close.
19:04Hey, I'm sorry.
19:07I messed up. So big.
19:09It's when you walked on campus that first day and no one talked to you. It broke my heart. And
19:12I just thought, I wanted to make her popular. And from that moment on, everything's been spiraling out of control.
19:17I hope you ever forgive me.
19:19But I don't want it that way.
19:22Oh, fucking integrity on this kid. Whose child is this?
19:25I have no idea. Guys, I wasn't even going to give him a handjob.
19:29Wait, you're never going to give him a handjob?
19:31No, I don't even know what that is.
19:32Oh, fuck. I wish I knew that earlier.
19:34Yeah, me too.
19:36At least you know your dad's heart was in the right place.
19:40Even though his brain was nowhere to be found.
19:43Ooh.
19:45I love you too.
19:46Come on.
19:47Come on.
19:48And in the immortal words of former Miss Barclay, Julianne Margulies, you are loved, you are worth it, and I
19:57will always fight with you.
20:06All right, guys, ready?
20:07Handjobs on three.
20:09Okay.
20:09One, two, three.
20:13Handjobs!
20:13Oh, shit.
20:16I thought we were friends.
20:17Oh, come on.
20:18No, you didn't.
20:20You know, this isn't over.
20:21Once I repair my marriage and my standing at the school and do whatever community service I might be facing,
20:27I will come for you.
20:29Nothing I haven't seen before.
20:31Well, I just need to use my voice to express how absolutely vile that was.
20:35No one gives a fuck about your stupid voice.
20:37Does that make sense?
20:39Hey, Leanne baked those cookies.
20:42I saw Leanne bake those cookies.
20:43And I'll testify in a court of law that Leanne baked those cookies.
20:47Me too.
20:49Me too.
20:53Wait, what are we doing?
20:54We're perjuring ourselves.
20:55Don't worry about it.
20:56Hey, Georgia.
20:56Oh, this is awkward.
20:57Hey, Zach.
20:59I'm sorry, but I led you on.
21:02Yeah.
21:02I think you misread the situation.
21:05It was just being nice to you so I could hang out with your daughter.
21:09I actually really like her.
21:10You do?
21:10I do.
21:11Okay.
21:14Georgia, hit me up.
21:16I'll be out of this chair in a couple of weeks and I'll be good to go.
21:24Well, well, well.
21:26Oh, here we go.
21:27It's getting worse.
21:28The leopard always shows his spots, huh?
21:32There will be consequences for this.
21:33I assume that.
21:34In the meantime, Carl and Sanjay will make sure you get to your car.
21:39Sanjay, you put those zip ties on me and it'll be the last thing you do on this planet.
21:44Yep.
21:45All right.
21:46I'll see you guys later.
21:47I love you.
21:47We love you.
21:56Hey, Bert!
22:07Yeah, Bert!
22:34Myriam, you may be able to silence me, but you'll never silence all of us.
22:39All right.
22:40Let's go, buddy.
22:42Come on, Bert!
22:44We love you, Bert!
22:45I fucking love you!
22:47I fucking love you!
22:50I fucking love you!
22:52I fucking love you!
22:52I fucking love you!
22:53I fucking love you!
22:54I fucking love you!
22:57Bert!
22:58Gene Magnuson.
22:59Call me.
23:01We have a lot to discuss.
23:17Take care of me!
23:26Bye.
23:30Bye.
23:33Bye.
23:33Bye.
23:35Bye.
Comments