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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:07Yeah.
00:08Sure.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Sure.
00:11Oh, nothing.
00:13We'll be doing this, OK.
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls.
01:58Everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls.
02:00Your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he paid good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you were all...
03:01Jimmy.
03:02Oh, if you were all out for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:09Mate, what?
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jugg.
03:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jugg.
03:35Uh, gosh, well, I like to get up early,
03:37be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick, um,
03:41roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44Then...
03:45Then it's breakfast,
03:46where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:52Then it's eleventies.
03:54Um...
03:54Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:58Butchers.
03:59Uh, veg shop.
04:00Um, come home,
04:01quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03Uh, to set me up for lunch.
04:05Uh, then I watch Loose Women.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's, uh...
04:11Wow.
04:13That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that, um...
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:45It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel, cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy. I like my life.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Oh, OK.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13What it's...
05:14How quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:25Judy, you...
05:25Do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33When people...
05:33Like, when people go,
05:34Oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what?
05:35Because I've got a fupa and I haven't seen my family for years.
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:40LAUGHTER
05:40Because you've got to a what?
05:42You can only say it to big girls.
05:43Because you've got to a lot?
05:44A fupa.
05:45A fupa.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, them backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er...
05:59Had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you...
06:09Have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at,
06:14and not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:17For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25Oh, yes.
06:26Your agent sent it to me very kindly,
06:29and really, just about another set of eyes.
06:31Give a bit of feedback.
06:33I'll put most of it in an email,
06:35but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Chapter one.
06:39Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:43They always go straight through me.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46But it means I get another chance to see my golden toilet.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51I'm only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Some animals that you may be surprised to hear actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So this is a strange chapter.
07:15Chickens.
07:17I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:27And place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29You've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it, it's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says the rest of this page has been left blank
07:37for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39You've lost 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:43But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48APPLAUSE
07:48Miles Young, everyone.
07:51John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little
07:56and having a small penis and going bald.
07:58All that stuff.
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02LAUGHTER
08:02I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just... I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight
08:09so that you can't hurt me, so...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just... I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Erm...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:21I start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33Erm...
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43Over the cardigan.
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Oh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Erm...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:58Woo-woo-woo-woo.
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:06Yeah.
09:07Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Why?
09:15Well, you see?
09:16Yeah.
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:28Yeah.
09:29Smoking's cool, innit?
09:31Yeah.
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on the top, yeah.
09:50Take it first, John.
09:52Yeah.
09:52This is...
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:13And he's over.
10:14Oh, wow.
10:16APPLAUSE
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:32APPLAUSE
10:36Whatever.
10:39Rob, have you got...
10:40Have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, someone I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, cos I've got quite green-fingered.
10:52Erm...
10:52You can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really? What have you got?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:06Er...
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here, so I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, cos it's sort of quite tricky.
11:13So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16The old...
11:17Double.
11:19Do you hear that?
11:20So, erm...
11:20What do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting.
11:23Yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah.
11:26So that's...
11:26I did that one first.
11:28Erm, and then this one...
11:29It's the second one I worked on.
11:31Which is, erm...
11:36Erm...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That...
11:37That is...
11:39It's...
11:39It's...
11:39Yeah.
11:40I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's...
11:43It's absolutely...
11:43It's absolutely terrific, this, actually.
11:45Yeah.
11:45This would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:47Yeah.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:49Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53Oh, nice.
11:55Erm, over in Dictionary Corner, it's, erm, Roisin and Kiara.
12:04It's your first time on the show.
12:06We're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:08Oh.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, er, sort of...
12:12...
12:13...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis.
12:22A bit more, sort of...
12:23Ha!
12:25Rumpf!
12:25Ha-ronk!
12:26Oh.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28LAUGHTER
12:29You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:40Let's get ready to rumble!
12:42LAUGHTER
12:45Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:48APPLAUSE
12:49APPLAUSE
12:50And with them, of course, it's, er, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:53CHEERING
12:56APPLAUSE
12:57SUSIE Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang, cos Wang Ka is what loads of people
13:17call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21APPLAUSE
13:25Nice.
13:26But Miles has been on it.
13:27He was fab.
13:28They're very kind.
13:29Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:31LAUGHTER
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on and come up with...
13:38Giles, Giles.
13:39Giles, she means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you?
13:41You call me Giles.
13:42Giles, but I...
13:43Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry.
13:45Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:48You very gratefully came on the show.
13:50You came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK.
13:55In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:57CHEERING
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing. The search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:06Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people. I've met The King.
14:11I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:13And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, Rob Beckett.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to $19.99, though.
14:23As soon as Drum and Bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:31CHEERING
14:36APPLAUSE
14:37APPLAUSE
14:40APPLAUSE
14:41APPLAUSE
14:42APPLAUSE
14:45OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:57M.
14:58Could that also be a G?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06APPLAUSE
15:06That is very good.
15:07APPLAUSE
15:08That is very good.
15:08APPLAUSE
15:09That is very good.
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:12Yeah, you'd like three of each.
15:14Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK.
15:17OK.
15:17I'll have another consonant.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18In front of my lead.
15:20OK.
15:20P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24A, yeah.
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool.
15:35Consonant, please.
15:36Yep.
15:36T.
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that one?
15:51Fabio.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Thanks.
15:57Fucking three.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Caesar, you're about it.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:21LAUGHTER
16:22LAUGHTER
16:22Um...
16:23LAUGHTER
16:26LAUGHTER
16:28LAUGHTER
16:28LAUGHTER
16:28Come on!
16:30APPLAUSE
16:33Why is he that so cute?
16:35Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:38Giles?
16:39Um...
16:39I've got, er...
16:40Seven.
16:42Seven.
16:42Impressive.
16:43John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie?
16:45No.
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:49Oh...
16:49Susie haven't got it.
16:50It's not in there, is it?
16:51I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy?
16:53Five.
16:54OK, what's your five?
16:55Plate.
16:56Rob, your five?
16:57Petal.
16:59Petal?
16:59Mmm.
17:00Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04Miles, your seven?
17:06Er, I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08Er, they are, er, climate and polemic.
17:12Wow.
17:12Very good.
17:13Lovely.
17:14Private and polemic.
17:15But what's this nine?
17:16APPLAUSE
17:18That was, er, that was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of Miles.
17:22Well, maybe, maybe write down his name.
17:23Yeah.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have
17:31compilate as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame.
17:36Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:43I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
17:59Erm...
18:00Poetical.
18:01Ooh.
18:02Let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10Well done.
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:19Erm...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right.
18:24OK.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big ones.
18:2675, 50, and 100.
18:29And the target, 359.
18:32There it is.
18:32OK.
18:33And your time starts now.
18:36No.
18:49No.
18:52No.
18:53No.
18:53No.
18:53No.
18:53No.
18:53No.
19:05So the target was 359 Judy love did you get it I got 342 why is worth no points
19:14Give me some credit for hat sorry to speak. I know but I can't expect you to not eat while
19:19we record it
19:23342 miles did you get it got three five seven, okay, uh Rob I did what I think I did
19:30okay
19:32I got three five eight right Rob. It's all on you six times seventy-five
19:38450 minus 100 350 plus the nine
19:4210 points
19:48Can we just say I've got 342 can we talk about that we've done that we talked about that
19:59So Robin miles have 17 John and Judy have seven
20:05The time now to go across to dictionary corner Roisin and Kiara what have you got for us well got
20:10a pretty good vibe
20:11Yeah, you're right care. Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a little bit sort of subdued or no, I'm fine. I'm
20:17fine
20:17All right, so is it Jimmy? I just I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking
20:21Maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind. Yeah, I know he didn't like
20:26that
20:26Yeah, I think that's on Jimmy though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes, yeah, because she's Italian see a video son italiana
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her
20:40Sensuality infatti soon. I don't know more to since one
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity people money could be looch
20:48She is incredibly repressed. That's right. It's because I'm also half English that explains that
20:56Roisin on the other hand is is Irish. Yeah Catholic and I'm gonna her August and Vic August and spirit
21:02knave our men. That's right
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and
21:10Loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:14Absolute like slander not at all. I'm not like that
21:17It makes total sense because she's just trying to connect right because because we're born alone
21:22Exactly
21:24Oh
21:25Okay, well there we go. Are you a naughty boy?
21:32Kinky kinky little boots, okay? Don't call him a boot because he's a very like very well-known comedian
21:41She's got a thing for people in positions of power
21:44You're right in the middle. Uh oh, here we go
21:46Here we go
21:50Just move your pups
21:51Move, move, move
21:53Move, move
21:54Guys don't look
21:56Don't watch
21:59Okay
22:00Okay, alright
22:02Um, um, um, okay
22:04Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin's got it!
22:06Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin
22:08Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin, Roisin
22:09Come over here
22:11What are you saying?
22:12He has been ogling me
22:16All night
22:17But we're here, we're part of the show
22:18No, he can't
22:19It's part of the show
22:19Okay, alright, regardless of the details
22:20I've got something to say to you, Jon
22:21You might do this all the time
22:23Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you
22:26It's all fun and games
22:27But for me
22:28I'm at work
22:33Roisin and Kiara, everyone
22:34You are a little
22:35I have a lot of fun
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan
22:45Do you know what's funny?
22:46As much as Jon started to look very awkward
22:48You moved that cup so fucking fast
22:55We don't want to spill the liquids
23:03You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry
23:07Should look straight ahead
23:09Would you like to swap seats, Jon?
23:11Well, this one's fucking sodden now
23:16I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, Jon?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn
23:22And I took a gamble on the wrong night
23:23Yeah
23:25There is such a thing as too much ruffage
23:26There really is
23:27Yeah, isn't there?
23:28Enough with a sexy talk
23:29OK
23:37You move the crockery, I'll have one last clue
23:45And here is your teaser
23:46The words are
23:47Meat Bell
23:48The clue is
23:48Nom nom nom nom nom nom
23:49That's meat bell
23:51Nom nom nom nom nom nom
23:52See you after the break
23:53See you after the break
24:09Welcome back to the answer to the teaser
24:11The words were
24:11Meet Bell
24:12The clue was
24:13Nom nom nom nom nom
24:14It was of course
24:15Meltable
24:15OK
24:16So Rob and Miles are in the lead
24:18They've been playing in teams so far
24:19But this game is just for Rob and Judy
24:22So Judy, your turn to choose
24:24I'll take a vowel, please
24:26Great start
24:27E
24:27Consonant
24:28G
24:30Consonant
24:31M
24:33Consonant
24:34S
24:36S
24:37A vowel
24:37Smeg
24:38I
24:38Oh
24:40Vow
24:42Smeggy
24:43A
24:43E
24:44Consonant
24:46T
24:47Oh, go on, let's have smeggiest
24:50Continent
24:52Oh
24:53Y
24:55Continent
24:55Final R
24:57While you do this
24:58I've just got to pick some friends up from the station
24:59So your time starts now
25:20Now
25:21I had to just do a pick up
25:23At the station
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:29Come on
25:29This is my time to die
25:30It's my time to die
25:32A
25:54What was he cameras?
26:11Oh
26:26Oh
26:35I can't believe it the Pash is here who's Rachel's other half and also Susie Den's other half
26:40I
26:44Should say just earlier on the show that John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex with one of
26:51the Strictly dancers
26:53specifically you
26:55The first time I've ever said that on a show as well
27:01You'll be out of there in ten minutes mate
27:04Very efficient love maker. Oh, no with my skill you'll be out on two
27:10Oh, please
27:12It's like a date of the undateables
27:16Round of applause for Pasha and my friends from the bowling club
27:18Thank you
27:25Judy how many five five well you only had 30 seconds fair enough
27:29Oh
27:36Um six six wow
27:39Smashed that five didn't you okay? What's the five judy miss misty or timer?
27:44We'll go misty didn't fancy pop in the ass on the end of timer
27:47Yeah, yeah timers
27:49Sorry
27:51Timers
27:51Rob you're six
27:53I've got misery or mister
27:55You said mystery was not possible
27:56You said mystery
27:58No, but I said
28:01I think john is unlikely to describe misery is not possible
28:12I was six points for Rob
28:13Thank you
28:18Roshi and Kiara could they have done any better?
28:19They could have interestingly john and Kiara both had misery
28:22Yeah
28:23I'm just wondering what your misery is about
28:25I actually I'm feeling a little bit miserable
28:27I'm going to admit it
28:28What why is that?
28:29I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw
28:32Okay, because I grind my teeth when I sleep
28:34Right
28:35And here today I realized I can't smile
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes
28:43You can't smile now because you've had too much work done
28:47You're telling me that
28:50But yeah, we could have done a bit better and we could have eight letters here germiest germiest
28:56You never messaged up
28:58I did spot that but I've got some wipes down here at all times
29:01Got rid of it
29:02Have you finished undressing dictionary corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again
29:07You can look at me
29:08I can't make you smile though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers then?
29:19So at the end of all that uh rob and miles have 23 john and judy have seven
29:24Come on judy
29:49No
29:51Yeah zero you've already yes you've already got it
29:55Three big numbers three little numbers three and three coming up you've got this three little ones ten seven
30:02Two and the three big ones 75 25 and 50 and the target 192
30:09Okay, and your time starts now
30:11Go
30:12I'm
30:12Go
30:16You
30:38Go
30:41so the target was 192 miles did you get it I didn't know why do you look so
30:47pleased with yourself okay John did you get it 193 hmm how'd you get 193 75 plus
30:5525 100 plus 2 times 50 plus 2 times 50 200 minus 7 yeah so I got Judy no one
31:05believes you oh listen I did two times 75 and I added 50 no 25 50 I added 25 makes
31:16175 and then I added you haven't even done that I added the 10 185 and 7 192
31:37why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit I just did it here in front of you
31:42what Rachel do it and blagged it
31:44I can't win I can't win you can't win seven points to John
31:57and here is your teaser the words are oiled and nut the clue is you can see the shape of
32:02it that's oiled nut you can see the shape of it see you after the break
32:22welcome back the answer to the tease the words were oiled nut the clue was you can see the shape
32:26of
32:26it it was of course outlined John your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help
32:32thank you please welcome comedian Dane Buckley
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests me too which is why I've got dodgy
32:45knees
32:51I've got a gag reflex baby
32:53I remember yeah thank you
32:58don't need to ask Dane how he got the job
33:02Dane it's your first time on the show how would you describe yourself
33:04face of a Greek god body of Turkish delight
33:06okay that's what I'm saying that's what I say on the dating apps
33:09no I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian possibly
33:13for the longest time I wasn't out as half Indian like
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT you know
33:23when you're Asian and white you just generally look Mediterranean you know like Charlie XCX
33:27but I learned recently you're you're darker down below
33:30you're darker down south and I didn't know
33:34I didn't realize that was a thing but I was at the doctors recently and he saw me naked bless
33:39him
33:39and he said mr. Buckley can I ask you what your heritage is not like what is he found onion
33:43bargey in my inner five
33:46are you any good at countdown I'm massive dyslexic so no so that's why
33:51we're bringing the looks so I think we look like a lineup of United Colors of Benetton
33:58yes yes yeah United Colors of Benetton yeah what's John the guy from accounts
34:05you wouldn't know what that looks like
34:07oh
34:1510 points that's 10 points
34:17Jane who's the funniest person you know
34:19hands down you'll know this Jimmy as well my mammy Irish mammies are hilarious
34:24can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up I'm not this is how she is
34:28me and her won a beach in broadstairs walking along minding my own business and we strained onto the nudist
34:34part of the beach
34:34but there was this older gentleman there completely naked belly hanging out penis hanging out
34:39resting Brexit face that kind of vibe
34:44no teeth lots of opinions that was his plan
34:48he was targeting women on the beach but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy
34:51and he said to my mum excuse me love does my penis make you feel uncomfortable and my mum did
34:55not miss a beat
34:56glasses on a chain she said what love
34:58that little thing there
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable
35:06she said I'll be honest with your puppet I've seen bigger in mother care
35:16have you got a mascot can you bring a mascot
35:18oh my god yeah I'm not just here to have fun look at this yeah
35:20right
35:22this
35:23is
35:24a jalebi
35:25the most famous of Indian sweets
35:27it's um
35:28it's crispy
35:29it's deep fried
35:29it's syrupy
35:30and it's uh
35:31it's absolutely gorgeous
35:32and my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week
35:35and um
35:36we would fry these
35:37and she would make masala chai tea
35:38and she'd read my tea leaves
35:40but she used to use it as a time to get information out of me because she didn't want to
35:43ask
35:44so she'd be like
35:45hmm
35:45okay not many
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent okay
35:47so she'd be like
35:50so she used to read my tea leaves
35:51and she'd be like
35:51hmm
35:52okay not many girls in your future
35:55so many boys
35:56okay
35:57dancing so gay
35:58oh darling you're dancing around the pole
36:00and I'd like give me that nan
36:01there's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish
36:03like
36:04and so I thought be brave
36:08I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan
36:11I said nan I'm gay
36:12she said we must call your father immediately
36:14I said why
36:15she said he owes me 20 pounds
36:16I said nan
36:21I'm as gay as the day is long
36:23she said rubbish
36:24foolish
36:24gay as the day is long
36:26you mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter
36:35but I brought some jalebes for you guys to try
36:38I thought it would be nice
36:39ooh
36:40so they are vegan
36:41the jalebes
36:42have a little go
36:43no you keep them Judy
36:48take one of my food
36:49are they nice aren't they
36:50nice
36:50oh my god there's nothing to make all that
36:53it's nice
36:53it's like that crispy shredded beef
36:55I've had to beef in
37:00wow way to change my culture Rob
37:02great
37:03do you want me to start an angel delight Rob?
37:08I'm going back in custard
37:09have ya
37:12it's been nice in a bit of rice pudding
37:15my mum knew that the Indian side would win
37:17in the kitchen
37:18fair
37:19fair
37:19but she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland
37:21so growing up I spoke Irish
37:23it's a Celtic language
37:24and you'll know
37:25if you know any Irish
37:25nothing sounds like what you think it means
37:27like listen to this
37:31which sounds like
37:32honestly you're saying
37:33ready the war between the elves and the centaurs
37:35but
37:35it means I have no interest in the local facilities
37:40if you know anything about a gay man
37:41that's just not true Rob
37:46well I think I've done every stereotype
37:47thank you
37:48goodnight
37:57okay on with the game
37:58Dane your turn to choose the letters
38:00a consonant
38:01that's so much sugar
38:02that is extraordinary
38:03feels like if we'd just eaten sugar
38:05there would have been less sugar in it than that
38:08a vowel
38:09make my eyes hurt
38:11O
38:12another vowel
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes
38:15E
38:17I'm an Irish speaker so another vowel
38:21A
38:21do you know what
38:22give us another vowel
38:25what you gotta do
38:26colonisers
38:30you're gonna start annoying John in a minute
38:32it's gonna start get itchy
38:33if you do another vowel
38:33it'll start to get panicky
38:35we've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat
38:36but you know
38:37let's not fuck about
38:41okay
38:43my fingers are too sticky to write
38:46how many vowels am I allowed?
38:48four
38:49do you know what
38:52give me a big vowel
38:53I'm so sorry Jane
38:54but the fun police have turned up
38:57a consonant
38:58a consonant
38:59N
39:00and the vowel
39:02E
39:04that's your max
39:05right
39:06a consonant
39:07a number
39:09a W
39:10okay and your time starts
39:12great
39:18we're taking right
39:20oh
39:21you pick shit letters
39:22and we all suck
39:23you sound like they're spelling doesn't
39:43Dane how'd you do for Judy for did you get the same for that he got yeah
39:52I think John you're on your own how'd you do six six okay miles
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper five it was a sinew yeah just tell me
40:13straight away tomorrow all right Rob how many five swine we're all high we're on a sugar rush deal
40:24with it dad Daniel for what you're for news oh well done definitely definitely worth turning
40:35up for Judy what was your force not five five what was it noise noise John insane in the membrane
40:51very sugary six points to John okay Roisin Chiara Susie could they have done any better yep
41:13swanny it's it's like this one or it's also I think quite a nice sort of padded waterproof
41:17um jacket with a hood okay so the scores of the moment Robin miles have 23 John Judy and Dane
41:24have 20
41:27and here is your final teaser the words are I'd nosh me the clue is anything for a good time
41:32that's
41:33I'd nosh me anything for a good time see you after the break
41:52welcome back the answer to the tease the words were I'd nosh me the clue was anything for a good
41:56time
41:57was of course hedonism okay time for our final letters game John Judy Dane your turn to pick
42:09these two are getting on really well consonant please Rachel thanks John hey consonant please f consonant
42:23please s vowel please a consonant please l vowel please a consonant please d and another vowel please
42:41I'm bored of the clock music I might change it up if that's all right with everyone okay your time
42:45starts now
43:01you
43:01you
43:03you
43:03you
43:03you
43:06you
43:07you
43:07you
43:08I
43:23Okay, John, how many things go on sales? Gracias
43:29Sorry, thank you says Jimmy. What's up to your voice?
43:34I have no idea what you're saying
43:38La gente solo piensa
43:40John Richardson
43:41Mirenlo con su little cardigan y su estúpida big boy's toe
43:45En mucho más de lo que parece
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee diciendo que soy una especie de virgin rat boy
43:53Y una última cosa que me gustaría admitir es que realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnob's
43:59Gracias
44:00Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties
44:02I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:05I think that's it, try that
44:07Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Six
44:13Dane, how many? Five
44:14Judy, how many? Six
44:16Miles, how many? Seven, I think
44:19Oh, damn
44:21Rob? Five
44:22Fine, what's your five? Fades
44:24Fades, okay. Dane, your five? False
44:26False, okay
44:28Judy
44:28Ladies
44:29John, your six? Fasted
44:32Miles, for the points, your seven
44:34Uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:37Oh
44:38My man
44:40Yeah
44:45Seven points to Miles
44:47Wow
44:48Could they have done any better?
44:51No
44:51No
44:52Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it was fantastic
44:55Well done, Lord Grantham
45:27Pickiness
45:27Pickiness
45:28Oh, how did you get that?
45:37That's it
45:37That's it, daddy cool, got it I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw, everyone's a winner
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed
45:54Thanks to all our panelists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it
45:58from us, goodnight
46:06Thanks
46:08Thanks
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