- 1 day ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr GK!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:14Kyle Smith, Arbino, Roisin Conaty,
00:16Lou Wall, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:18Yay!
00:31Is that her? Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there wasn't a film.
00:34My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kyle, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:46I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kyle, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play in the queue with their music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:39Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:43a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:45Let's meet tonight's players.
01:46First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:53In 2025, John played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
01:57Tell me, John, how did you research your role
02:00as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
02:05He's got friends, you've added that.
02:07Have you even seen my work?
02:09I literally saw it the first day it came out.
02:11What did you think?
02:12I thought it was amazing.
02:13Yeah, thanks.
02:15Do your Grouchy voice?
02:17Go on.
02:19I have to get into character.
02:21OK.
02:22Don't even say it.
02:24Oh, it's good.
02:25Oh, that's good.
02:27That looks good.
02:29And John's teammate, Roisin Conaty.
02:36Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths,
02:39so I think we've finally solved the mystery
02:40as to why Woolworths went under.
02:43These are quite gentle.
02:44What are you going to do?
02:45Are you going to throw something at me?
02:46No, no, I won't be gentle.
02:48You are very bad at this game.
02:50Bad in a good way, though.
02:52Sort of the good, like bad, like Michael Jackson bad.
02:54Forget I said Michael Jackson.
03:01Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
03:03Yeah!
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake
03:10because he had big nipples.
03:13Which begs the question,
03:15how big are these nipples?
03:18So, they've calmed down now,
03:20but there's a little bit of lump to them,
03:21but when I was going through puberty
03:23and your hormones were raging,
03:24they were big old puffy boys.
03:27And they looked like Jaffa Cakes
03:29because the areola
03:30is the chocolate flat bit.
03:33Then, on top of that,
03:34the orange filled chocolate bit
03:36was the nipply bit.
03:37Urgh!
03:39Can I, erm...
03:41Can I see you?
03:41Er, afterwards!
03:45Afterwards, you can.
03:47Why...
03:48I'll come over and show you, but not then.
03:50OK.
03:54I'll go, I'll have a look,
03:55I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
03:57I want to see!
03:58I want to see if everyone's up there enough.
04:01Oh, Jesus!
04:04Oh, God!
04:06Oh, sorry.
04:07Did you?
04:07Yeah.
04:07Oh, that is...
04:08That is not a normal.
04:10No, that's a normal...
04:11Oh, you sound like my mum!
04:12Yeah, that's...
04:15I want to see all of your tits
04:16if we're getting in comparison.
04:18Jimmy!
04:19Show me your tits!
04:20Oh, he's got a little drawn-on dot.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:25OK.
04:26And joining Rob tonight,
04:27it's, er...
04:27Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:33Kyle says he's scared of pigeons.
04:35Well, apologies.
04:36If we'd known you were scared of small,
04:38annoying, flappy, rat-like creatures,
04:40we wouldn't have set you anywhere near John.
04:42That's fair!
04:44Kyle, it's your first time on the show.
04:45Yes.
04:45Are you going to be aware of the letters or the numbers?
04:47Well, I'm not sure,
04:48but I am very good at remembering my postcode,
04:51and that's both.
04:52Ooh!
04:57What is your postcode?
04:58What is my postcode?
05:00What is my postcode?
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:05OK, Roisin, do you enjoy going out in nature?
05:08I really enjoy nature,
05:10but nature's out to get me,
05:13and it feels...
05:13I have been, no exaggeration,
05:16locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
05:19I thought this was open space.
05:20It's not open space.
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
05:24I've been locked in there three times, John.
05:26Oh, right.
05:26It's starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
05:30Twice in one year.
05:32I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
05:34get a bit of attention,
05:34like, in with his nips.
05:36Tell you what, me wandering around with these nips
05:38out on Hampstead Heath,
05:38we'll all get locked in.
05:41There is a bit of...
05:42There is some part of Hampstead Heath
05:43that is open for the people who do fruity stuff.
05:45There's, like, little...
05:46I don't think you do it...
05:47You find a bush.
05:48I don't think you find a bush.
05:50They're not into that.
05:51Well, they don't just do it in the open ground.
05:54There's bush bits.
05:55Oh, I see the joke now.
05:56Sorry.
05:59John, have you got a mascot?
06:00Yes, I have.
06:02Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while
06:04and the problem is it's very competitive.
06:08It's a very competitive environment.
06:09What?
06:10So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
06:12So I've elevated now to now protecting the stuff animal community.
06:17And I think the community I'm speaking about most here are the bin men
06:21and women of the UK who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:26against their will and drive them around in all weathers.
06:30You see them in winter.
06:31Little Elmo strapped to the front of a bin lorry.
06:34Not able to move.
06:36So I thought, well, see how they like it.
06:39So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky bin man, Phil.
06:50How long do I have to stay up here?
06:52I need a shit.
06:54I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
06:56I did, but I need another one.
06:58I don't know what you're eating.
07:00Are you eating a lot of dairy?
07:01Yeah.
07:01Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
07:03Maybe.
07:04It does hurt when you eat a magnum.
07:08Well, John, that four cheese pizzas could be back to haunt me.
07:14All right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out.
07:17That's Phil, everybody.
07:22Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
07:25Bad, isn't it?
07:27There's a guy at limb service, he's now livid.
07:31You got a mascot?
07:32I've got a mascot, yeah.
07:33I didn't want to go route one.
07:35I thought outside of the box.
07:37Can we get Aurora?
07:40Oh, this is good.
07:46Hey, girl.
07:49This is Aurora.
07:51And although it may look like I've never seen this bird before in my life,
07:56we actually went to drama school together.
07:59I'm not a great animal body language expert,
08:01but you don't seem the closest pair.
08:06Okay, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
08:13Maybe Aurora wants the snacks.
08:15Aurora, do you like snacks?
08:16Would you like a Jaffa cake?
08:24Come on, Aurora, we've practiced this.
08:26Come on, Schnuffles.
08:27Come on, Schnuffles.
08:28She fucking hates you.
08:32Well, you've embarrassed me.
08:33So, um, back to Jimmy's dressing room.
08:37Off you go.
08:38Okay.
08:40Aurora.
08:41Aurora.
08:42Aurora.
08:43Roisin, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
08:45I do actually have a mascot, Jimmy.
08:46What is your mascot?
08:47So, the thing that most relaxes me, that makes me feel very calm,
08:51and what I like to feel on this show, is my little doggy Harpo.
08:54She's a little Maltese.
08:55So, I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
08:57Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
09:01And Harpo recently got done, you know, when they have...
09:03They get done.
09:04What's it called?
09:05They get done.
09:05Snip.
09:06But a woman, snip.
09:07Spade.
09:08Spade.
09:08A scoop out.
09:14Harpo recently got...
09:15I didn't know you were medical.
09:16She recently got spade.
09:19And ever since then, ever since she got spade,
09:21she's turned into a real sex fiend.
09:26Her first sort of victim was this.
09:29Piggy.
09:30Now, I don't know if you can see,
09:31she's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
09:33Now, it's a pig.
09:34So, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs.
09:36It's absolutely fine.
09:38This is not the worst of it.
09:39No!
09:41No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
09:44Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
09:46Yeah.
09:47I call it the pork screw.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:53My mum thinks I'm sex-shaming her by bringing this on the show.
09:56My mum's indulging it,
09:58and I walked in the other day,
09:59and my mum was letting this pig be used against her
10:01while the pig humped...
10:02the dog humped the pig.
10:03So, the dog, your mum, and that pig had a three-way.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09Next, kitchen roll.
10:11Oh!
10:12She's gone up a gear.
10:13So, it escalated pretty fast.
10:15That's all sex stuff.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral,
10:21and done my hiking boot.
10:23Oh, wow.
10:24So, these are all sex toys
10:27of a little Maltese dog,
10:30but they bring her a lot of joy,
10:31and they really calm her down,
10:32so I brought them in as my mascot.
10:34Lovely.
10:37The worst bit is,
10:38I used that one for a pillow on the train.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:42Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:43Absolutely, yes.
10:44Erm, now, I've been taking health and safety
10:46in first aid quite seriously,
10:48and I've noticed,
10:49I've been here a few times,
10:50that there's no, erm, deflibrillator.
10:52What?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55There's no what?
10:56Deflibrillator.
10:56Hello?
10:57Mm-mm!
10:58Pfft!
11:00Deflibrillator.
11:01You're adding an extra...
11:03Deflibrillator?
11:04What is it?
11:05What am I saying wrong?
11:06You're putting an L in there.
11:07No L?
11:08No L.
11:09Look it up, Suze.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:12How are we spelling it?
11:13Deflibrillator.
11:14The what?
11:17Deflibrillator.
11:17Deflibrillator.
11:18Deflibrillator.
11:18Deflibrillator.
11:19Let's be honest,
11:20no-one's spelling it when they need it.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23So let's not worry.
11:24Anyway, we ain't got one,
11:26whatever you want to call it.
11:26Right.
11:27So I was looking one up,
11:28very expensive,
11:29so I've tried to design my own.
11:31Ooh!
11:32Great idea.
11:32As a cost-effective safety measure,
11:34so I've got one.
11:35Do you want to see it?
11:35Yeah.
11:36Yeah, there we go.
11:37Bring it out, boys.
11:41There we go.
11:43Do you want me to show how it works?
11:45Yeah.
11:45I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
11:50So this is how it would work.
11:54I hope you don't mind,
11:55I've got this from your dressing room, Jim.
11:58So, yeah, so you basically hook it up like this.
12:03There we go.
12:04And then,
12:05it's how it works.
12:07You need to be defibrillated, eh?
12:10Don't worry, I'm coming!
12:13What's the word you say?
12:14Clear.
12:15Clear!
12:15That's it.
12:16So here we go.
12:17So you put it on,
12:18and then...
12:19Clear!
12:23I think it's working.
12:24I think it's working.
12:24I think I've melted his Jaffa cake by the looks of it.
12:27Anyway, so this is mine.
12:29So if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
12:31Rob, back at everyone with these defibrillator.
12:36There we go.
12:37There must be a few defibs in here.
12:39Because regular countdown, you've got to lose one a week, haven't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Is this a show other than this, then?
12:45There's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words.
12:48Yeah.
12:50What fucking thing?
12:51She's coming out right in!
12:52She's coming out right in!
12:54OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
13:01Lou is six foot four.
13:03To put that into perspective, that's about 12 John Richardsons.
13:08Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:10Hello.
13:11I'm Lou.
13:12I'm from Australia, but I've, like, just moved to the UK.
13:14I like it here.
13:15It rules.
13:16But there's some cultural differences.
13:18Like, you guys call a toilet a Lou.
13:21That's...
13:22But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet.
13:26Like, white and full of fucking shit.
13:30Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:31Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:33What's your thing?
13:33I like letters.
13:34I like literacy.
13:35But, like, if I am bad at it, it's, like, because it's, like, hereditary.
13:39Recently, I got this text from my mum.
13:42Dad hab died.
13:45Followed by, Dad heb died.
13:48Sorry.
13:49Dad's herbs died.
13:51And then she just finished it off with this stunning text.
13:55Fucking auto-carrot.
14:01And with me, of course, is Susie Denny.
14:10Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel.
14:12And that sentence also works if you remove the word novel.
14:19Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
14:22I have been looking into teen slang.
14:25Teen slang?
14:26Yeah.
14:26This six-seven thing, which is everywhere, that people are fascinated by.
14:30You've heard six-seven?
14:31Hmm.
14:32Six-seven?
14:33Six-seven.
14:33Yes.
14:34No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
14:36The derivation is either a rap song or something to do with a basketball's height, I think.
14:44But, yeah, so six-seven, so it's like, you know, how tall are you?
14:47Six-seven?
14:48Did you say six-seven instead of six-four?
14:50What time is it?
14:51Six-seven?
14:52You're probably about six-seven, Jimmy.
14:54On the slack, yeah.
14:58So, anyway, I find this completely fascinating because not even the kids know what it means.
15:02They lose break time at my daughter's school now if they say six-seven.
15:05They lose break time.
15:06Do they?
15:07It's that endemic.
15:08Six-seven.
15:08The teacher's terrified during maths, like, if I ask a question...
15:13And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
15:15She said to me the other week, we've started playing this game where there's, like, numbers and letters.
15:19I never felt more, but I thought she'd be so excited when I went, you know that's what I do
15:23for a living.
15:24And she went, do you?
15:26I thought you were the co-kid from Waterloo Road.
15:34And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:40Do you have a favourite number?
15:42I quite like it. Have you heard of the golden ratio?
15:45Basically, it's this number that appears in nature in loads of different places.
15:48So, in seashells it appears, in flowers.
15:52And it's an irrational number, so it's written as phi, the Greek letter phi.
15:56And it also appears in beautiful faces, the golden ratio, kind of, the width to the height.
16:01So, what I think happened, was when you went to your plastic surgeon, he got confused between phi face and
16:10pie face.
16:12So, when you go back, you should ask for the golden ratio next time, rather than that.
16:24OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the countdown camouflage kit.
16:38A little bit of TV magic for you. Boys, show them where you are.
16:47OK, let's count on everyone. Time for the first game.
16:49And John, Roisin, you get the first down to pick the letters.
16:52Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
16:54Yes, please.
16:55Oh.
16:57That's backfired.
16:59Rachel, may I have four...
17:02Oh.
17:02A consonant.
17:05S.
17:05What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
17:07Well, just, if you don't give a shit, say no.
17:09I give a shit!
17:10Why don't you just say, put nine letters up there?
17:13No.
17:13You think, because I don't cry, because I'm not good at it, I don't care.
17:16I'm hiding my sadness.
17:18OK.
17:19Does that make you feel better?
17:20No.
17:21Another, another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I'm hiding my sadness.
17:28Look, we're out for the kids.
17:28Eat the pizza express and try and have a good day.
17:31Our neighbours is an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:35N.
17:36Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:43He's a cardigan wearer.
17:45He's not.
17:46He's absolute filth.
17:46Another consonant.
17:49P.
17:51And a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:53E.
17:54And another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:56O.
17:56And another vowel.
17:59A.
18:00Last two are yours.
18:01One of each, please, Rachel.
18:02One of each.
18:03Just get them out there, I don't really care.
18:04A U.
18:06And an L.
18:07I've gone right off the countdown music.
18:09I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:22Your time starts now.
18:23Na-a-a-a-a-a...
18:30Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:46ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:50ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:50ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:50ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:50ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:50ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:50ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:53ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:54ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:55ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
18:55ha ha ha
19:07Ron, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
19:09Define having a go on.
19:12Singing or receiving?
19:15Just a quick demo of the tongue action there.
19:22No noise came out of that.
19:30Hang on I'm going to I'm going to the I'm going the other end this this guy this look at
19:35this
19:41There's no sound at all there come closer Gladys
19:48What is this show
19:51The countdown tongue choir everyone. Thank you gentlemen. Thank you
19:58Jonathan netters
20:01Seven seven mmm Roisin six Rob five Kyle seven
20:09He came to play oh yeah for real all right Rob your five leaps okay Roisin you're six planes John
20:17your seven
20:19Weapons, oh
20:20Kyle your seven weapons, okay seven points to both teams
20:29You're you guys are trouble he's not fucking about
20:35He's got 11 options in the same time I got leaps
20:41I
20:42Lou Susie could they have done any better just another seven from us
20:45What was the other seven a balloon speeds forward is the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit is
20:50furthest from the moon?
20:52And it's the opposite of the Perry loon okay on to our first numbers round Rob Kyle your turn to
20:57pick the numbers
20:58Two big ones all the rest little ones please Rachel coming up 10 and 10. That's 20 already one
21:05Give it away and the target eight four seven okay, and your time starts now
21:42Okay, so the target was eight four seven Roisin did you get it I did no good do you want
21:47it?
21:47Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec won't be there in a minute
21:51Uh John did you get it? I think I got eight four eight Rob did you get it? I got
21:56eight hundred?
21:57Kyle did you get it? No, I've got eight forty Roisin how'd you do it? So I did
22:04Ten times seventy five. Oh, no. Yes, um
22:09Uh
22:13750 I've got it wrong so I've got it down as 800. I had a ten on to the 75.
22:18Oh my god. Jimmy's got one
22:21Will you get 850 and then there's a three there? I mean yeah, it's the easiest one we've had
22:29That's not allowed is it ten points to me
22:33Were you good at maths at college or school?
22:36No, do you know you've how long you pause sometimes it's like you've turned off
22:47John how did you get what you got 75
22:52Times 10 plus 1 plus 1 85 and then somewhere else 10 10
22:59Times 3 what are you doing? This is not your style. I don't know. It's gone. Roisin got it wrong.
23:05John's have nothing written down
23:06We've got 840 Kyle off you go
23:0975 times 10 1 plus 3 is 4 times 10 times the other 10 as those together 790 plus 50.
23:18Yep seven away
23:23So John and Roisin are on seven points Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12
23:32And here is your teaser the words are sentence the clue is open wide that sentence open wide see you
23:38after the break
24:00So Rob and Kyle are in the lead they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just
24:05for Rob and Roisin
24:06Hmm so Rob your turn to choose Joe
24:09I think it's good that John has a little break from this because I think his head's completely gone. I
24:13agree
24:13He's not happy Kyle's turned up and not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown. He also
24:18is cool
24:21He's in a cardigan as well. Yeah, he's that was turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one
24:27And so I think it's good to have a little break because you don't seem yourself
24:31I don't want to be myself. I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this for
24:35us
24:39I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth
24:46Pick some letters. Okay, cool. Um, please kind of you'd you pick
24:52You're in charge right
24:53Oh
24:56E
24:58T
24:59There we go. I
25:02M
25:03A
25:05This is a great one
25:07E and the last one
25:08T and your time starts
25:12Now
25:33John could you give me a hand with this? Yeah
25:46Tap it around the back mate
25:49Yeah
25:51Does anyone want a beer? I'll have a go. Okay, more lovely
25:56Oh, is that
25:58Is that a normal flow for you? Oh, yeah
26:09Salty than you think
26:12The stones sink to the bottom
26:17Anyone else want a beer? You need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out mate
26:25They're not bending how they should
26:28It's like a cow trying to go upstairs
26:32Do you want to try some?
26:37Oh
26:38John
26:42I feel very paternal
26:49Thank you
26:50Let's bring out the beers. Yeah, I like that
26:52Wow
26:53Roisin's on a hen do
26:53Is there any more?
26:55Just worth letting everyone know I had asparagus for lunch
26:58Thanks, John
26:59Nice
27:05Oh, Roisin, how many?
27:07I mean, I'm sort of nervous
27:09Okay
27:10I've got nine
27:11Wow
27:14This is a big deal
27:15Okay
27:17Have I not got nine?
27:18You've got a really good eight
27:21Why?
27:22There isn't, there is
27:24Yeah, but only the one of them
27:27Oh, John
27:29He can't even let his own teammate do well
27:32You're a disgrace
27:34You couldn't even let her have a moment
27:36He did though, he sort of saved me
27:37Do you want Roisin to score eight or not score nine?
27:41What? How many have you got?
27:41I've got a seven
27:42Okay
27:43What is your seven?
27:45Matters
27:45Roisin, your eight
27:47Mistreat
27:48I thought it was mistreats
27:50Got very excited
27:51I'm going to give you the eight
27:53I think the eight's very good
27:57Lou, Susie
27:58Could they have done any better?
28:00We had a couple of eights
28:01We had Stamia
28:02Emirates
28:03Emirates?
28:03Not as in the Arsenal ground
28:05but as in the
28:06the province of an Emir
28:07Okay
28:08So at the end of that
28:09Rob and Kyle have 12 points
28:11John Roisin have 15
28:15An eight
28:16An eight
28:17Really shy
28:18Really good
28:19I mean
28:19To be fair
28:20You needed that
28:21because John's going up against Kyle now
28:23I've been with faith in my teammate
28:26He's shown consistency
28:28He's not a braggadocious player
28:29and will take us to the final
28:32Do you know what?
28:32I feel the same about mine
28:33but I'm not having to fluff him up
28:35because his head's gone
28:37You've been fluffing all night
28:39It's down there rock hard
28:40It's very rare on this show
28:42that teammates refer to each other as rock hard
28:46Can I just say
28:48No
28:48I'm absolutely fine
28:50and if Kyle does well
28:51that benefits the show
28:55Hello Rachel
28:56Hi Don
28:57Six small please
28:58Six
29:01Do you like the numbers John?
29:03Confident with six months
29:04I don't mind the numbers
29:04I don't mind the letters
29:05I just appreciate good friends
29:07having a good time
29:07Well this is
29:08often a tricky selection
29:10We've got five
29:11seven
29:12four
29:13three
29:14ten and nine
29:16and the target
29:17one hundred and eighty five
29:19And your time starts now
29:226
29:22The
29:22One
29:22two
29:29One
29:29two
29:51Two
29:51One
29:51One
29:51One
29:52A smug much John? How's your boy doing?
29:58Placid now
30:00Gail did you get it? 184. Okay, John did you get it? I think I've got it. Yeah. How did
30:06you get it?
30:0710 plus 9. No, no less mug
30:1419 times 7 plus 3
30:18Take away that little thing
30:2210 points
30:27How do you feel about Kyle did you how do you feel about that would have liked to have won
30:30that one actually yeah
30:33Yeah, it's weird because I believed him when he said it. Yeah, he's a good actor
30:42No, he's not is that a compliment
30:48Not a little blue smurf is he
30:50I've got four lines and three of them were
30:53Okay, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points John Roisin have 25
31:04Okay, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner Lou what have you got for us?
31:08Okay, so I had a really shitty old bed frame and so I put it on an online marketplace for
31:14free
31:14And this is that story I have turned it into a musical you're welcome
31:22And for context all you need to know is that the bed frame is up there for free
31:26This is the bed frame still available
31:32Yes, it is
31:34Gay emoji
31:35Can I please negotiate the price no why it's free?
31:42You're on a hard bargain Lucia but that's just not the way marketplace working
31:48I was like all right, how about half price just for you Eileen how much now still free?
31:54Dance, dance, dance
31:56You are the best
31:57Potty potty
31:59Here's my address
32:00Wow, that's a long long way from my house now
32:04How about a small disc?
32:07I said Eileen I can't be clearer
32:09It's free to pick up
32:10Can you drive it to me please?
32:13What the fuck?
32:14Please, no, please, Hannah
32:15Please, no, please, no
32:16I don't own a car
32:18Why didn't you say so?
32:20I can drive
32:22See you tomorrow
32:22Fine
32:25So at this point like I go to bed I'm like I'll deal with this bitch in the morning
32:28And then very early the next morning I receive this text
32:33Lucia I'm out the front
32:36Sent at 5am
32:38I said see you at 5
32:42Please come out and let me in
32:45I should have known not to trust you
32:47Axe, pickaxe, fire
32:48I should have known you didn't care
32:50Fire
32:51I show up on time
32:53Are you dead?
32:55Please
32:57Where is bed?
33:00How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
33:04Knock, knock, knock
33:05I'm like
33:05Let me in
33:06No
33:07It's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame
33:10What time then?
33:11I'm like could you come back at 8?
33:13But I'm outside
33:14Yeah, my housemates are sleeping
33:16Should I just not
33:17This is getting creepy
33:19I go back to sleep
33:20I wake up at 8
33:21Is she there?
33:22No, 12 hours later though
33:23Who's she is again?
33:24Lucia, I'm here again
33:26It's 8pm
33:28Yes, where is the bed?
33:30Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend
33:32You're 12 hours late Eileen
33:34I can't get you the bed
33:36Like I'm at work right now
33:37Okay, like I'm not even home
33:39But I came all the way back for it
33:41Yeah
33:41I know
33:42No
33:43Please
33:43Heartbreak emoji
33:45Pumpkin emoji
33:46Sorry, typo
33:47Seriously, please
33:48Whatever
33:48Oh my god
33:50That lady's back
33:51What can you help her get the bed shot
33:52Okay
33:53My housemate is home
33:54Knock on the door
33:54Ask for Tim
33:55402
33:56No, 403
33:57Knock, knock, knock
33:58It's 403
33:58Knock, knock, knock
33:59Anyone in
34:00Angry dolphin
34:01Pile of shit
34:02This is not what I expected
34:03I'm taking off the bedding
34:04And the pillow
34:04And the mattress
34:05What, there is no bedding
34:06Just talk to Tim
34:06He'll show you what to take
34:07Is this free?
34:08Picture of a pillow
34:09That's not my pillow
34:10Taking pillow
34:10Where'd you get the pillow
34:11Where the fuck are you?
34:13Is Eileen there?
34:14No
34:14Shit
34:14Fuck
34:15Oh my god
34:15Oh my god
34:16It's perfect
34:17It's exactly what I want
34:19Bigger than I thought
34:20And free bedding
34:21Thank you
34:21Five stars
34:22Miss call
34:23Miss call
34:23Miss call
34:23Miss call
34:24Miss call
34:24Miss call
34:25Cannot talk driving
34:26With bed
34:27I said, Elaine
34:27Can you please pick up?
34:29Yay
34:31Never picked it up
34:32Thank you for the bed
34:33Lucia
34:33Miss call
34:34Eileen Five
34:35A message from my neighbour
34:36We've just been robbed
34:39Block your doors
34:42Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed
34:44My bed's still here
34:45You took the wrong bed
34:47From the wrong house
34:48I did no such thing
34:50Then she blocks me
34:51I said, Eileen
34:52Please
34:53Where is bed?
35:01You've had contact
35:02With the person
35:03That's going to murder you
35:04I mean, 100%
35:06Yeah, and that bed frame
35:07Still very much available
35:10How much do you want for it?
35:13And here is your teaser
35:14The words are
35:15Penis hat
35:16The clue is
35:17Don't be so dramatic
35:18That's penis hat
35:19Don't be so dramatic
35:20See you after the break
35:38Welcome back
35:38The answer to the teaser
35:39The words were
35:40Penis hat
35:41The clue was
35:41Don't be so dramatic
35:42It was, of course
35:44Thespian
35:44Rob and Kyle
35:45You're 13 points behind
35:47Yeah
35:48So
35:48We thought we would give you
35:50A little bit of extra help
35:51In the form of
35:52The award-winning comedian
35:54Winner of the
35:55Edinburgh Comedy Award
35:55Sam Nicaresti
36:04Nice to be here
36:06Sorry I'm late
36:07I was backstage
36:07Hanging out with
36:08The friendliest parrot
36:09In the world
36:11Okay
36:12So you won the
36:13Edinburgh Comedy Award
36:14Which is very impressive
36:15But we're all winners here
36:16Everyone's a leader
36:17In their field
36:17We've got
36:18Britain's smallest man
36:21TV's most chatty horse
36:22And the world's
36:23Most pointless mathematician
36:25I don't know
36:26Which one of us
36:27Is the horse
36:28There's three in the running
36:35Now
36:35Have you brought a mascot
36:36Do you know
36:37I have brought a mascot
36:38Actually
36:38Jimmy
36:39Let me get it up
36:40Here we go
36:41How about this
36:42Yeah
36:43I brought this from home
36:45What do you reckon
36:47Have you seen this
36:47Have you seen one of those before
36:49Oh
36:50Wow
36:50Yeah
36:51You like that
36:52Yeah
36:52I like trains
36:54I've got an affinity with trains
36:55Because much like my hero
36:56The Siberian Railway
36:58I am also trans
36:59So
37:00So
37:08Just to explain
37:09That's why I'm dressed like
37:10The ghosts of liberal future
37:11Come to haunt
37:11Your problematic nan at Christmas
37:13That's the look
37:14I don't know if anyone else here
37:16Is really aware of it
37:16Very hard
37:17Very hard being trans
37:18When I came out
37:19I came out to my girlfriend
37:20A couple years ago
37:21And she was really good with it
37:22But like
37:23You have to be honest
37:24It's not really clear
37:25How you come out
37:26To your girlfriend
37:26About being trans
37:27Like what do you do
37:28Sit down and say
37:29Honey
37:30Huge news
37:30You're gay
37:32That's
37:34I mean
37:35We're in trouble
37:36I was tuning in
37:37To the news
37:38The other day
37:39And they were saying
37:39Trans women
37:40They better stay away
37:42From sports
37:43My pleasure
37:44What the hell
37:46For me
37:47That's the entire point
37:49I would have transitioned
37:51In secondary school
37:52If I knew it came
37:52With a sick note
37:53That's just
37:56Big fan
37:57But yes
37:57My pronouns are she they
37:58But that's neither her
37:59Nor their
38:00And I
38:03Okay
38:07Okay
38:08John
38:08Roisin
38:09Your turn to choose
38:09The letters
38:10Hello
38:11Oh Rachel
38:11Hi John
38:12Could we have a
38:13Consonant please
38:15Yes boss
38:16Oh
38:17And another one please
38:19Oh he's cheered up
38:20Now he's won the maths
38:21Well he's done the maths
38:22But I still don't think
38:23He can do
38:23Kyle's spelling
38:24And we're gonna see
38:25That play out
38:25And I'm quite excited
38:26A vowel please
38:29O
38:31A consonant please
38:32And I think Sam's
38:34Gonna be really good as well
38:35So you really have to try hard
38:37A vowel please
38:40E
38:40Another vowel please Rachel
38:42I
38:43And another consonant then
38:46C
38:47Yeah that's nice
38:49Keep your vibes up
38:50And er
38:50Ooh
38:51Love a consonant please
38:52In this game I love with my friends
38:56N
38:57And then
38:58Another consonant please
39:00Old friend
39:01And
39:02My old mate
39:03Oh
39:04Okay
39:05Alright
39:05Your time starts now
39:06I'm
39:07I'm
39:16Yeah
39:18I'm
39:22I'm
39:23I'm
39:35I'm
39:36I'm
39:36I'm
39:38Rob, how many you got? I've got five. You got five. Kyle, how many? Seven. Seven, okay. Roisin?
39:45Five.
39:47Okay, Sam, how many? I think I might have a nine.
39:50I think. John? I also have a nine.
39:55What is your five? My five is rinse. Rinse.
40:01Rob, your five? Gonna. Oh. Gonna. They're a goner.
40:05That is a word. Rinse, unfortunately, it has an S, not a C.
40:12Roisin's a goner. Who's a goner? What's your seven? Cringer. Cringer.
40:20No. Er, yes. Oh!
40:27Do you know what that looked like, Susie? That looked like the money hadn't hit your account yet.
40:35No. Oh, it has, actually, yeah.
40:39Okay, so, John, Sam, I'd like you to say your nine-letter word on the count of three.
40:44All right, you ready? One, two, three. Cornering.
40:47Cornering.
40:47Thank you. Wow.
40:49That's 18 points for both teams.
40:54Okay, here is your final teaser.
40:56The words are, scene fart.
40:57The clue is, seal that up.
40:59That's scene fart.
41:00Seal that up.
41:01See you after the break.
41:18Welcome back.
41:19The answer to the teaser.
41:19The words were, scene fart.
41:20The clue was, seal that up.
41:22It was, of course, fastener.
41:24Okay, time for our final letters game.
41:27Sam, your turn to choose.
41:28Oh, my, okay.
41:30Please, may I have a consonant?
41:32You may, indeed.
41:33And, oh, yes.
41:35And then, two vowels.
41:38A, U.
41:40Consonant, please.
41:42D.
41:43Okay.
41:44I think a vowel.
41:46Good choice.
41:47I.
41:49Well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice.
41:51Again, consonant, right?
41:52S.
41:53No, I'm not happy with that.
41:54Oh, no.
41:57Consonant?
41:58M.
41:59A vowel.
42:00I've got another A.
42:02And then a consonant.
42:03And the last one, R.
42:05Cool.
42:06I might have a crack on this because I find the game boring.
42:09Okay, your time starts now.
42:13I'm all going to be there.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:59Rob, how many?
43:01Six.
43:02Kyle? Seven.
43:04Sam? Six.
43:06Roisin? Five.
43:09OK. Jon? Seven.
43:13Oh!
43:15Kyle!
43:17Roisin, your five?
43:18Mittal.
43:19What, sorry?
43:22Mittal?
43:23How are you spelling that incorrectly?
43:26How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:31My...my...my towel?
43:32Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the one.
43:34So you wrote a U and you couldn't be asked to finish it, so it was an L?
43:38It's not. It's just a sort of half-finish.
43:40Look, the word was causing me the most, so I gave up at the end.
43:42I thought, this isn't a word, so I bailed out on the U.
43:45But now, it seems like it is a word. Am I right?
43:47Check your account.
43:48LAUGHTER
43:51It's not in yet.
43:53Rob, your six.
43:54Rudest.
43:56Rudest. Yeah.
43:57Yeah, that feels more on problem.
43:58How are you spelling rudest?
43:59Er, nudist with an R.
44:01R.
44:02Oh, OK, she don't look happy.
44:04LAUGHTER
44:04I can't believe this is in.
44:06Oh, well, I'll tell you what, shove it.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:09Cos it is in.
44:11Do you know what it means?
44:12Absolutely not, no.
44:13It's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk.
44:16Absolutely.
44:17I just thought it was someone that was the rudest.
44:20LAUGHTER
44:20I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic.
44:23Jimmy.
44:24LAUGHTER
44:26That's fair.
44:28Sam, you're six.
44:29Autism.
44:30What's your seven?
44:31Stadium.
44:31John, you're seven.
44:32I've got mustard.
44:33What's the other word?
44:35Marauds.
44:36Ooh, you should have gone with that one.
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that, so I'm chickened out.
44:40It's never stopped rushing.
44:41LAUGHTER
44:43OK, seven points to both teams.
44:46APPLAUSE
44:49OK, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:52More sevens.
44:53More sevens.
44:54We have marauds and traumas and samurai.
44:56Ooh!
44:57Samurai would have been good.
44:59OK, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points.
45:03John and Roisin have 50.
45:04Oh.
45:05APPLAUSE
45:07Well done, neighbour.
45:09OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:10Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:15APPLAUSE
45:37Oh.
45:37Sam?
45:39Er...
45:39Is it staunched?
45:42Is that even a word?
45:43Let's see if Sam is right
45:54So the final scores are our Robin Kyle and Sam have 47 points, but our winners John Roisin with 50
46:02Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of this the countdown camouflage
46:13To the audience and to all of you for watching at home. That's it for us. Good night
46:46You
Comments