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00:11Hello and welcome to The Weekly. I'm Charlie Pickering.
00:14We have a cracking show for you tonight.
00:16Rhys Nicholson takes on sovereign citizens.
00:19Instant expert He Huang heads to China for Lunar New Year.
00:22And the latest on Epstein, Andrew and oat milk
00:24with our UK correspondent, Andy Zaltzman.
00:30And as always, we've watched all the news so that you don't have to.
00:34So let's get down to business with the week.
00:40We begin with Thursday and with the job of Captain of the Titanic unavailable,
00:45Angus Taylor did the next best thing.
00:48Announcing he'd challenge Susan Lee for the party leadership.
00:51But he wasn't the only Liberal running.
00:53Go speak for a run. I'm not going to talk because I'm still short of breath.
00:57And I need to get in and cool down.
01:00Leon, who are you going to be backing today on the spill?
01:05Well, twice we've asked. He must have squeezed in two runs today.
01:09Pete, is Angus Taylor the man to save the Liberal Party, Andrew?
01:15That last guy hadn't been running.
01:17He just gets really emotional about spills.
01:20Once everyone hit the showers, it was time for the spill
01:23and the party whip made the announcement we'd all been waiting for.
01:26This morning, there was a spill motion for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Australia.
01:32Angus Taylor was successful, 33 votes to 17,
01:35and is now the leader of the Liberal Party of Australia.
01:3733 to 17 to Angus Taylor.
01:41Some much-needed stability for the...
01:43Sorry, I'm...
01:44I'm being told the whip is coming back in.
01:47Correct the record.
01:48The result, as I'm sure many are aware, was 34 to 17.
01:53Riles, have they worked the numbers out?
01:54I felt like I was on The Price is Right.
01:56It's between 30 and 35.
01:57Higher, lower.
01:58Have they got the numbers worked out?
02:00Yeah, bit of a trouble with the count,
02:02but that's what you get when you fire your top-ranking numerologist.
02:07So, 34-17.
02:10A definite...
02:10Nope.
02:11Whip's coming back again.
02:12OK.
02:13So, to provide absolute clarity, there was two votes.
02:17The spill motion was 33 to 17 with one informal vote.
02:22The final vote was 34 to Angus Taylor, 17 to Susan Lee.
02:27Thank you very much.
02:28Stop coming out!
02:30You are making it worse!
02:33I mean, he's like the Liberal Party groundhog.
02:37You know, every time he pops out of his hole and sees his shadow,
02:40it's six more years of opposition.
02:44Having lost the spill,
02:45Susan Lee announced she was leaving Parliament
02:48and getting back to her edgier roots.
02:50And finally, as some of you know,
02:52I was part of the early punk rock movement in Canberra.
02:56I will continue to find wisdom
02:59in one of punk's defining themes.
03:03A fearless and honest belief in yourself.
03:07Yeah, I think you're mistaking punk for Oprah's book club.
03:12So, who is Angus Taylor,
03:15the 17th leader of the Liberal Party?
03:17Well, let's hear from the bitter ghost of Lib Spill's past.
03:20A lot of people say about Angus Taylor
03:23is he is the best qualified idiot they've ever met.
03:28He's got all of these qualifications.
03:30He's a Rhodes Scholar.
03:31Mind you, they're a dime a dozen.
03:32Look at me and Tony Abbott.
03:36Man of the people, Malcolm Turnbull,
03:38posing in front of some corrugated iron
03:40to complain that you can't swing a yacht these days
03:43without hitting a bloody Rhodes Scholar.
03:47Taylor's new deputy, Jane Hume,
03:49was keen to humanise the leader.
03:51Jane, what do you like about Angus Taylor?
03:54You know, he's a very human being.
03:56He's a very human human.
03:58Does that make sense?
03:58Yeah.
03:59Yeah, does it though?
04:03Nonetheless, a lovely sentiment from Jane Hume.
04:06Hume. Hume. Jane Hume.
04:08To Friday and continued fallout
04:11from the New South Wales police response
04:12to protests against visiting Israeli President Isaac Herzog.
04:16The actions of police at Monday's town hall protests
04:19will now be investigated
04:21by the Law Enforcement Conduct Commission.
04:24Unleashing a torrent of blows
04:26and forcefully moving in on protesters.
04:29The focus of Monday night's wild rally
04:32is now centring on police.
04:35We can't blame the police
04:36for doing what we asked them to do.
04:39And I'm certainly not going to throw
04:40New South Wales police under the bus.
04:43Yeah, you never want to throw
04:44the New South Wales police under a bus
04:46because they will beat the shit out of you.
04:51There was one incident in particular
04:53that drew the most intense scrutiny.
04:56This is the moment a group of Muslims
04:58were forcibly moved during sunset prayer
05:01at Monday's protest.
05:03Sheikh Wazam Shikawi was leading prayer in Town Hall Square
05:06when he claims cops trampled on his group without warning.
05:10I think that is something that needs a full explanation.
05:14I know that that has caused a great deal of distress.
05:18Yeah, and fair enough.
05:18Being interrupted mid-prayer is like hanging up on God.
05:22The PM and most observers find images like this distressing.
05:27But New South Wales police had an explanation.
05:30Muslim worshippers were dragged while praying,
05:33something police have now admitted
05:34the men had permission to do.
05:37Only the officers in this video
05:38didn't receive that memo in time.
05:41Wow, don't you hate it
05:42when your don't manhandle worshippers
05:44during prayer message goes straight to voicemail?
05:47What a nightmare.
05:49The fact is, the issues surrounding these protests
05:52are genuinely complex.
05:54How do we strike the right balance
05:56between the right to protest
05:57and a duty to maintain order
06:00without punching a guy in the kidneys?
06:02It's tough.
06:03But we can all agree that no-one
06:05wants to see more violence on the streets.
06:08Well, almost no-one.
06:10I think those police should be given a quiet commendation,
06:14not face disciplinary investigation.
06:16I think we need to see tear gas and rubber bullets.
06:20What?
06:21Rubber bullets?
06:22Oh, Tony's gone woke.
06:26Entertainment news.
06:28It's the big news from the glamorous world of celebrity
06:31with real stories from news.com.au.
06:34And what better way to kick it off
06:36than head over to San Francisco
06:38for one of the biggest stories of the year?
06:40No, not the Super Bowl.
06:42Paddy B was on her way to the big game
06:44when she stopped to give a sexy lap dance to a robot.
06:50I think that little robot's first erection might have killed him.
06:54A maths ride took to social media,
06:56claiming another contestant was yelled at in the supermarket.
06:59Walking through a supermarket
07:01and someone felt that it was acceptable
07:03to walk up to her
07:04and swear at her
07:06because of what they've seen
07:07on an episode of maths.
07:10It's just not on,
07:12unless she had a fully loaded trolley
07:13in the 12 items or less lane.
07:15In that case,
07:16let the cow have it.
07:17American Pie singer Don McLean
07:20celebrated the 10-year anniversary
07:21of having a super young girlfriend,
07:2450 years his junior.
07:25Congratulations to the 80-year-old,
07:27and no-one was more happy
07:29than the folks at Sky News.
07:30And the best thing about him,
07:32I think he's 75
07:33with the 27-year-old Playboy bunny girlfriend.
07:37So, you know...
07:38As you do.
07:39He's doing OK.
07:41He's doing OK, Gary.
07:43You know, hats off to him.
07:44Yes, hats off to him
07:46and his Miss American Pie.
07:48Let's just hope his levy isn't dry.
07:50And Sydney Sweeney
07:51was out to promote her new lingerie brand,
07:54and what better way to show off the merchandise
07:56than by showing off the merchandise?
07:59I can't wait to see you all wearing the collection.
08:01Oh, we will, Sydney.
08:03Just one question from this red-blooded sailor.
08:05Do you come with a bra?
08:07That was Entertainment News.
08:12Coming up on The Weekly,
08:13Rhys Nicholson takes the Sovereign Citizenship Test
08:15and Her Hwang welcomes the year of the firehorse.
08:18But first, Saturday was Valentine's Day
08:22and a touch of romance at the Winter Olympics
08:24when a Norwegian biathlete
08:26made a surprising post-race confession.
08:28A Norwegian Olympian has broken down in tears
08:32after his bronze medal performance,
08:34admitting on live TV he'd cheated,
08:37not in the race, but on his girlfriend.
08:41Six months ago, I met the love of my life,
08:43the world's most beautiful, wonderful person in the world.
08:47And three months ago,
08:48I made the biggest mistake of my life
08:49and cheated on her.
08:51Dude, there is a time and a place.
08:56And it's literally any other time and any other place.
09:01So his master plan to win back the person that he cheated on
09:04was to make her the most famous cheated-on person in the world.
09:09And it went about as well as you would expect.
09:12The former girlfriend of Norwegian Olympic biathlete,
09:15Sterla Holm-Legred, has broken her silence.
09:18I did not choose to be in this position
09:20and it hurts to have to be in it.
09:22We have had contact and he is aware of my opinions on this.
09:26Oh, like something you'd read in a Valentine's card.
09:30Roses are red, violets are blue.
09:32He is aware of my opinions on this.
09:36To Sunday and a couple of weeks ago,
09:39we brought you this heartwarming story from a Melbourne strip club.
09:43They were kicked out of a gentleman's club
09:45and that's when the real trouble started.
09:47A hard hit from behind and a hard fall.
09:51Straight down as a chair goes flying outside a Melbourne strip club.
09:54A shock twist?
09:55It was thrown by the victim's mate.
09:58Security guards can't help but laugh.
10:01And why wouldn't you laugh?
10:03If you're a strip club security guard,
10:06that kind of stuff only happens maybe 12, 13 times a night.
10:10But this week, the reporter who broke the story,
10:13Channel 7's Paul Dowsley, went full Woodward and Bernstein,
10:17stopping at nothing to uncover the truth
10:19about the chair thrower, a.k.a. Chairman Owl.
10:23Police are looking for the chair-throwing man
10:26who hit his mate in a moment of madness
10:29outside a King Street gentleman's club.
10:32Paul Dowsley has exclusive details,
10:34and, Paul, police believe he broke the law.
10:37What?
10:38Broke the law?
10:40I mean, all he did was start a fight,
10:43steal a chair, throw it at a bouncer,
10:45hit a bystander in the head, knocking him out.
10:47Actually, now that you line it up,
10:49it really does sound a little bit crimey.
10:52But Dowsley was just getting started,
10:54dropping a bombshell exclusive
10:56that put the Walkley Award voters on notice.
10:59They have been trying to find the man responsible
11:02for that dangerous chair-throw.
11:04We can tonight reveal he is Tony Rogers.
11:08Incredibly, he works for a furniture manufacturer in Melbourne,
11:12and, yes, they do make chairs.
11:14Yeah, I should have known with that level of accuracy,
11:17he must have been a professional.
11:20So he worked for a company that made chairs,
11:24and not only that,
11:26at the Ferntec Furniture Institute,
11:29he was the chairman.
11:33The chairman...
11:34The chairman...
11:35The chairman was a chairman!
11:38Which means he's not as dumb as he looks,
11:40because by throwing that chair,
11:42his visit to the strip club
11:43becomes a tax-deductible business trip.
11:46Pretty good.
11:48Coming up, we head to China for Lunar New Year
11:51with He Huang and to London
11:52for the latest Epstein revelations,
11:54taking down a prince and a PM with Andy Zaltzman.
11:57But first, to Monday,
12:00and former President Barack Obama
12:02casually let slip what UFO hunters have always suspected.
12:06Aliens are real.
12:08That's according to Barack Obama.
12:09Are aliens real?
12:11Uh, they're real, but I haven't seen them,
12:14and they're not being kept in, uh...
12:17What is it?
12:17Area 51.
12:18Area 51.
12:19Yeah, there's no aliens in Area 51.
12:22And don't go looking in Area 52, either.
12:26Here to talk more conspiracies,
12:28the love child of Scully and Mulder,
12:30it's Rhys Nicholson!
12:35Hello, Charles!
12:37Well, hello, Rhys.
12:37I haven't seen you pulling focus around the office much lately.
12:40Are you missing the competition?
12:42Actually, Charles, competition implies I was trying.
12:46Oh.
12:47So, where have you been?
12:48I've been down in my basement office, online,
12:50a wonderful place where unvalidated opinions are celebrated
12:54and consequences are something that happen to other people.
12:57Yeah, that sounds really healthy.
12:59I started doing a little bit of my own research,
13:01and I discovered that there's a very active group of people
13:04who don't necessarily believe what everyone else thinks.
13:08Uh, conspiracy theorists?
13:09Someone's still drinking the corporate Kool-Aid.
13:11Right, how do you still work here?
13:13Because I'm as close to diverse
13:15as this organisation is comfortable with.
13:21It's time for another conspiracy-theory-see.
13:26Roll it!
13:28APPLAUSE
13:37A few years ago,
13:39if you'd have said sovereign citizen,
13:40you would have thought of this guy.
13:42West Australian wheat farmer Leonard Cassley.
13:44In 1970, in a bid to keep wheat prices elevated,
13:48the federal government introduced wheat quotas
13:50limiting the amount that farmers could sell.
13:52Leonard felt that his quota was so tiny
13:54it made his farm unviable.
13:57So, he did what any sensible farmer would do.
13:59He pulled himself up by the bootstraps
14:01and started his own country.
14:03He renamed the farm the Principality of Hutt River,
14:06making himself Prince Leonard,
14:07and even commissioned a giant statue of his own head.
14:10Tourism in the Micronation boomed.
14:13Around 25,000 Australians would cross the border
14:16into the Hutt River
14:17to have their passports stamped.
14:20So, we had the big banana,
14:22the big prawn,
14:23and now the big tax evasion.
14:25Just what the diggers fought for.
14:27But getting from Leonard,
14:29a polite rural tax dodger with a dream,
14:31to the modern sovereign citizens,
14:33well, that's...
14:34that's quite a journey.
14:40Today's sovereign citizen movement
14:41was imported from the US.
14:43A chaotic mix of anti-tax crusaders,
14:46libertarians,
14:47and fringe extremists.
14:49When COVID hit,
14:50the fed up,
14:50the furious,
14:51and the frightened
14:52all fused together
14:53into a kind of king rat,
14:55all screaming at the system,
14:56even though none of them could agree
14:58on what the system actually was.
15:00You see,
15:00the one thing that actually unites these people
15:02is their relationship with the law.
15:05Essentially,
15:05it's a group of people who say,
15:07I can pick and choose
15:08what laws apply to me.
15:09If I don't consent
15:10to a law passed by Parliament
15:11or a decision handed out by a judge,
15:13I don't need to follow up.
15:15If ever you've seen one in the wild,
15:17you'll know that subsits speak
15:18in the same dialect,
15:20a kind of pseudo-legal gibberish
15:22dressed up as legitimacy.
15:23I just need to drive a license
15:24through the driver.
15:25I'm not driving.
15:26Driving is a techno term for in-commerce.
15:28Please provide evidence
15:29I'm doing business.
15:30Am I under obligation
15:31to give you that license?
15:32So you provide us to give me
15:33your name and address.
15:34By law?
15:34Name and address, yes.
15:35Can you cite that law for me, please?
15:36Yep, so it's a summary offence to that,
15:38which is 4-5-8.
15:38Act, it's on law.
15:39I don't consent to any of this.
15:43All this springs from something
15:44called the straw man theory,
15:46a pseudo-legal daydream
15:47pushed by anti-government extremists
15:49and assorted types of biggists
15:51who wanted to dodge their bills.
15:53It says that there's the real you
15:55and the paperwork you,
15:57a corporate clone
15:58that has to follow laws,
15:59pay tax,
16:00renew your rego,
16:01the belief is
16:02if you reject the paperwork version,
16:04you don't have to follow the rules.
16:10This is where the subfits
16:11really come alive
16:12because in rejecting
16:14that corporate clone,
16:15they can just craft it
16:16in their own official documents.
16:18IDs, number plates,
16:20pen licenses,
16:21and all of that
16:22clogs up the court
16:23with pseudo-law.
16:24For people that hate rules,
16:26they sure do spend
16:27a stunning amount of time
16:28and energy making new ones.
16:30All that paperwork boils down to one thing.
16:34Radical avoidance.
16:36Avoiding fines,
16:37avoiding laws,
16:38avoiding tax,
16:39avoiding reality.
16:40The irony is,
16:41if they actually participated in society,
16:43they would have more power,
16:44but no,
16:45they opt out.
16:47But maybe not far enough.
16:48If they really want to opt out
16:51like Prince Leonard,
16:52they can.
16:53Your own magical kingdom,
16:56the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
16:58No laws,
16:59no tax,
17:00and enough floating garbage
17:01to make your own
17:02pretend legal system.
17:04It's like Terra Nullius,
17:05if Terra Nullius was made of
17:07old thongs and dildos.
17:09I reckon we'd give them
17:10a barge,
17:11a laminator,
17:11and let them found
17:12the principality of Garbage Island.
17:14They can spend their days
17:16screaming,
17:16I do not consent
17:17at the ocean.
17:18The ocean will not care.
17:20Honestly,
17:21I think it's the first
17:22sovereign citizen plan
17:23that actually makes any sense.
17:28Moving through to Tuesday,
17:30and celebrations began
17:32for Lunar New Year,
17:33the year of the fire horse,
17:35sparking the world's largest
17:37annual human migration.
17:39In the days surrounding
17:40the celebration,
17:41around 9.5 billion trips
17:42are expected to take place
17:44across China,
17:45as millions travel home
17:46to see their families.
17:48One of those travellers
17:49joins us now.
17:50Please welcome
17:50our instant expert comedian,
17:52He Huang.
17:57Happy Chinese New Year.
18:00Oh, sorry Charlie.
18:02I'm starving.
18:03I've been fasting.
18:05Oh, for the New Year?
18:07No.
18:08For coming home
18:09to see my mum.
18:11Anyway,
18:12Happy Real New Year!
18:15So you have travelled
18:16back to China
18:17for the New Year?
18:18Yes, Charlie.
18:19Just 20 hours.
18:21Easy as.
18:23Just a flight,
18:24a train,
18:25another train,
18:26a bus,
18:27another bus.
18:28In Australia,
18:29everybody whines
18:30if a flight's 30 minutes late.
18:32In China,
18:33a 9-hour traffic jam
18:35is downtime.
18:36We just play
18:38badminton,
18:39mahjong,
18:40we stretch,
18:41we speed date,
18:42marry and divorce.
18:45So this year
18:46is the fire horse.
18:47What can we look forward
18:49to for this?
18:53More hay,
18:55stable stables
18:56and lots of ketamine.
18:59No, no, no.
19:00Not what do horses
19:02have to look forward to.
19:03What do we have to look forward to
19:05in the year of the horse?
19:06Hopefully the same.
19:10But really,
19:11it's all about money
19:13and the merch.
19:14If you put a horse
19:16on something,
19:17people will buy it,
19:18even if it's a mistake.
19:20A worker
19:20sewed its mouth
19:21upside down
19:21by mistake.
19:23Suddenly,
19:23an amusing mistake
19:24appeared to tap
19:25into the mood
19:26of many young
19:26white-collar workers
19:27across China.
19:29This crying horse
19:30really suits the reality
19:31of modern working people.
19:32They aren't going to stop
19:34working once the New Year
19:35passes.
19:35This depressed horse
19:37is all of us.
19:38Tired,
19:39stuffed
19:40and broken.
19:43I reckon we need
19:44more sad horse toys.
19:46Still renting
19:47at 35 horse?
19:49Mum asking
19:50why you're not
19:51doctor horse?
19:52Your cousin
19:53already had a divorce.
19:54Why you're not
19:55still married horse?
19:56And get off
19:57your high horse horse.
19:59So,
20:00how are you
20:01and your family
20:01celebrating Chinese New Year?
20:03Oh,
20:03the good old tradition.
20:05a big dinner
20:06with my family,
20:07argue about
20:08why I'm still single
20:09and watch TV
20:11in silence
20:11till midnight.
20:14It might take me
20:1520 hours to get home,
20:16but it would take me
20:17a lifetime to recover.
20:20Currently touring
20:21the country
20:21with their brand new show
20:22Timu Joke Factory,
20:23would you please
20:23thank Her-Wan!
20:31When people want
20:32the latest news,
20:33they turn to
20:3310 News Plus.
20:35Firstly,
20:35we're not here
20:36to tell you
20:36what to think.
20:37We're not here
20:37to scare
20:38or depress you.
20:39Not like the project,
20:41bloody Waleed.
20:42So let's get stuck
20:43into the big stories
20:44direct from the
20:45confused mind
20:46of 10 News Plus
20:48news hulk,
20:49Denim Hitchcock.
20:53Good evening
20:53and welcome
20:54to 10 News Plus.
20:55There's not a person
20:56in Australia
20:57right now
20:58that isn't using,
20:59wearing,
20:59drinking,
20:59eating
21:00or maybe just
21:01taking delivery
21:02of an item
21:02that arrived
21:03on the back
21:04of a truck.
21:05That's right.
21:05Whatever you're doing
21:06right now
21:07is from our truck.
21:09In World First,
21:10an Aussie entrepreneur
21:11is using AI
21:13to help you
21:14create your own
21:15digital twin
21:16to communicate
21:17from beyond the grave.
21:19Come on,
21:19get off your ass
21:20and start making
21:21your own ghost.
21:23Well,
21:24given it's our Friday,
21:25I'm going to go
21:25with ramen,
21:26mango,
21:26and daiquiri.
21:27It does not
21:27surprise me.
21:28It's Friday
21:29for Christ's sake.
21:30Let the D-man
21:31have a drink.
21:33And when he's
21:34not downing daiquiris,
21:35it's time for some banter
21:37with his co-host,
21:38Meals.
21:39You are proud
21:40Queenslander Meals.
21:41What's your favourite
21:42way to eat a mango?
21:43Straight up.
21:43Cut it down the side,
21:44dice it,
21:44eat it.
21:45It doesn't need anything.
21:45Meals,
21:46you're frightening me.
21:47You are jealous,
21:48Meals,
21:49you little space nerd.
21:49I would like
21:50to go to space school.
21:51Meals,
21:51you love politics.
21:52I bet you've got
21:53some Kevin07 merch
21:54somewhere.
21:55I do.
21:55I do have a T-shirt.
21:56I also have a MAGA hat.
21:57And when she's
21:58not wearing her MAGA hat,
21:59she's helping Denham
22:00break the biggest stories.
22:02To our special coverage
22:04of an issue
22:04affecting nearly
22:05every Australian family,
22:07Denham,
22:08we're talking,
22:09of course,
22:09about screen time.
22:10And I think it's fair
22:11to say that as we've
22:12been looking into this,
22:13we are both pretty worried.
22:16We certainly are,
22:18Meals.
22:18We both have young kids.
22:19We have skin in the game.
22:21And hey,
22:21I've come to this playground
22:22this evening
22:23where we should see kids
22:25running around
22:26on all the equipment
22:27that you see behind me.
22:28But increasingly,
22:29we know that they're at home
22:31on phones,
22:31on tablets,
22:32devices.
22:33Or they could just be
22:34having their dinner.
22:36Tune in to 10 News Plus,
22:39hanging around playgrounds
22:40and scaring children
22:41that aren't there
22:42with Denham Hitchcock.
22:48To Wednesday,
22:50and big news for baristas
22:51and the lactose intolerant.
22:53The UK's highest court
22:54has made a controversial ruling
22:56oat milk cannot be called milk.
22:59The Supreme Court has declared
23:00products can only be called milk
23:02if it comes from an animal.
23:04The UK's dairy industry
23:06has long had an issue
23:07with milk alternatives,
23:09saying they are confusing.
23:10It's not healthy,
23:12it's not milk,
23:13it's basically juice
23:14and it's gross.
23:15Yeah,
23:15of course,
23:16oat milk is the gross option,
23:18not the one where you tug
23:19on the warm,
23:20rubbery teat
23:21of a postpartum heifer.
23:23For more,
23:24let's go to London
23:24and our UK correspondent,
23:26Andy Zaltzman.
23:32Andy,
23:33Nigel Farage
23:34waded into the milk wars.
23:37I've got a cup of coffee,
23:38I want some milk.
23:39Let's have a look.
23:40We've got semi-skim,
23:42I don't like that.
23:43Oat milk,
23:43what on earth's that one?
23:44It's at home.
23:45Almond milk,
23:46all I want's proper bloody milk,
23:47not left-wing options,
23:49proper milk.
23:50Andy,
23:50why is milk
23:51such a divisive
23:53political issue?
23:54Uh,
23:54it isn't,
23:56Jeremy.
23:57It definitely isn't.
23:59Nigel Farage
24:00talked about it
24:01and then
24:01Nigel Farage
24:02posted on social media
24:03about himself
24:04talking about it.
24:05That's different
24:06from it actually
24:07being divisive.
24:08Anyway,
24:09many people
24:09in Britain
24:10would see
24:11Farage's video
24:12and say,
24:13well,
24:13take your own cow
24:14with you to your hotel
24:15if you can't deal
24:16with only having
24:17semi-skim milk
24:17alongside a couple
24:18of non-dairy options.
24:19in a fancy hotel
24:20that would clearly
24:21bring you full-fat milk
24:22if you just rang reception
24:24and asked Britain
24:25sort of bleating on
24:26about it
24:26in a TikTok video
24:27as if it's some kind
24:28of culture or atrocity
24:29that you could probably
24:30blame on foreigners,
24:31you lazy,
24:32entitled,
24:32division-mongering bellend.
24:34Not me, Charlie.
24:36Not me.
24:36Of course not.
24:37Not me.
24:37Of course not.
24:39Farage is just
24:39patriotically
24:40trying to get Britain
24:41back to when it was great,
24:43when we didn't have
24:44any choice
24:44of what milk we had.
24:46We just suckled
24:47on whatever
24:48British animal
24:49happened to be
24:50within reach.
24:52Milk
24:52isn't the only thing
24:53to threaten
24:54the foundations
24:55of the UK government.
24:56The Epstein files
24:57have shaken Westminster.
24:59British Prime Minister
24:59Keir Starmer
25:00is vowing to fight
25:01for his job
25:02as revelations
25:03about the relationship
25:04between the former
25:05UK ambassador
25:06to Washington
25:06and Jeffrey Epstein
25:07have spiralled
25:08into a full-blown crisis.
25:10How did the Starmer
25:12government get
25:13wrapped up in all this?
25:14Well, they were
25:15just a bit unlucky, Charlie.
25:16Late in 2024,
25:18they appointed
25:18Peter Mandelson,
25:20the Tony Blair-era
25:21Machiavelli tribute act,
25:23the man also known
25:25by the nickname
25:25The Prince of Darkness.
25:27A few red flags there,
25:28I guess.
25:29They appointed him
25:29ambassador to the USA.
25:31In the vetting process,
25:32they asked Mandelson
25:34about his relationship
25:35with convicted sex offender
25:36and renowned baddie
25:37Jeffrey Epstein
25:38and Mandelson basically said,
25:40oh, I barely knew the guy.
25:41At which point,
25:42the Starmer government
25:43made its key mistake.
25:45Which was what?
25:46Well, they forgot
25:47to then ask,
25:48Peter,
25:49are you absolutely sure
25:51about that?
25:51And this time,
25:52no lying.
25:54Right, so,
25:55what's happening
25:56to Mandelson?
25:57Well, Mandelson, Charlie,
25:58is set to have
25:59his title revoked.
26:00It's the standard procedure.
26:01He will no longer
26:03be known as
26:03The Prince of Darkness.
26:04He will instead
26:05be called simply
26:06Mr Peter Mountbatten Darkness.
26:17Can Starmer
26:18ride out this crisis?
26:19Well,
26:20the prevailing view
26:20still seems to be
26:21that Starmer
26:22is toast.
26:23It's just a question
26:24of whether the toast
26:25gets eaten now
26:26or if the toast
26:27is left to slowly
26:28cool down,
26:29ghost ale,
26:29crisp up,
26:30gradually mould
26:30and be nibbled away
26:31to nothingness
26:32by parasitic bacteria.
26:33The fallout
26:34at Buckingham Palace
26:35has continued
26:35with the King
26:36saying he would
26:37assist the police
26:37in any investigation
26:39of his brother.
26:40If convicted,
26:40could Andrew
26:41technically be serving
26:42at his brother's pleasure?
26:47Well,
26:48that's a good question,
26:50Charlie,
26:50but looking at
26:52King Charles' face
26:53at the moment,
26:54I don't think
26:54pleasure is a club
26:56that's in his
26:57emotional golf bag
26:58right now.
26:59All in all,
27:00these are very strange
27:01times for the royals.
27:02Last week,
27:02Prince William
27:03visited Saudi Arabia
27:04where he met
27:05with Crown Prince
27:06Mohammed bin Salman
27:07for a good old
27:07prince-to-prince gossip
27:09and you must know
27:11things have gone
27:11a bit weird
27:12in your life
27:13when a conversation
27:13with a man
27:14who,
27:14according to the CIA,
27:16ordered the assassination
27:17of a dissenting journalist
27:18is less awkward
27:20than a family chat
27:21with your uncle
27:22or your brother,
27:24come to think of it.
27:26Would you please
27:27thank Andy Zaltzman?
27:34That is all for tonight.
27:36Would you please
27:36thank He Huang,
27:37Andy Zaltzman
27:38and Rhys Nicholson?
27:41And if you would
27:42like to be in our
27:43studio audience,
27:44just scan the code
27:45on your screen
27:46right now
27:46and don't forget
27:47to tune in
27:47to my radio show
27:48TGIF Friday Afternoons
27:50on ABC Radio
27:51and Radio National
27:52or download it
27:53on the ABC Listen app.
27:54We'll be back
27:55next week
27:55with Brett Blake,
27:56Courtney Act
27:57and Margaret Pomerantz
27:58but until then,
27:59on behalf of the team,
28:00thanks for watching,
28:01I'm Charlie Pickering.
28:02Good night.
28:03APPLAUSE
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