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00:00Oh, my God.
00:30Welcome to Last Week Tonight, I'm John Oliver.
00:33Thank you so much for joining us.
00:35It has been a busy week.
00:37We learned that the U.S. lost 92,000 jobs last month.
00:41Kristi Noam was replaced as head of DHS.
00:43And of course, last Saturday, the U.S. and Israel
00:45launched airstrikes on Iran.
00:47And since then, it's been hard to discern
00:48exact facts on the ground.
00:50Although some outlets, like this British morning show,
00:52did manage to make some pretty avoidable mistakes.
00:56We've got to show you some footage here, by the way,
00:57from Iran, of people dancing like Trump.
01:07So, this is the...
01:09I believe this is... Is this in Iran? No.
01:12It's in Iran.
01:20So, I gather that's in Iran, and they're doing the Trump dance,
01:23which is just basically a very slight move of the hips,
01:25and... Oh, where is it? Where is it?
01:27It's not Iran.
01:30Ah, it's crucially not Iran.
01:33And that's very important, because if it was in Iran,
01:35they might all be killed.
01:37Exactly, but that does feel important, doesn't it?
01:40It seems their editorial process is step one,
01:43see video, doesn't matter where.
01:44Step two, immediately play video to millions of people
01:46and have some fun with it.
01:47And finally, step three, which has to happen
01:49midway through step two, check if video real.
01:53It's perfect journalism, and yes, before you ask,
01:56that is my son.
01:58Meanwhile, the White House and its supporters
02:00have been all over the place this week
02:01explaining why we did this.
02:03At various points, they've claimed Iran was going to attack us,
02:05Israel was going to attack Iran,
02:06which would have led to them attacking us,
02:08Iran was going to assassinate Trump,
02:09so we assassinated the Ayatollah first,
02:11Iran was going to obtain nuclear weapons or ICBMs,
02:13and we just did this to free the Iranian people
02:15out of the kindness of our hearts.
02:17As for the question of who's going to lead Iran now,
02:20that seems to have no clear answer either.
02:23Trump's insisted he must be involved in that decision,
02:25and apparently, he had some potential contenders for the role.
02:29But as he explained, there was just one slight problem.
02:32Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead.
02:35But, you know, we had some in mind from that group
02:37that is, uh, is dead.
02:40And now, uh, we have another group,
02:42they may be dead also, based on reports.
02:46So I guess you have a third wave coming in.
02:48Pretty soon, we're not going to know anybody.
02:51Yeah, not ideal.
02:53Everyone keeps dying and soon we're not going to know anyone.
02:55Isn't how you should be describing your foreign policy.
02:57At best, it's how you describe the experience
03:00of being a Grateful Dead fan.
03:02The war has already spiraled out
03:04to include over a dozen other countries.
03:06And it now appears the US bombed a school,
03:09killing at least 175 people, many of them children.
03:12This all seems reckless, chaotic,
03:14and not remotely well thought through.
03:16In fact, Trump, in that weird way,
03:18which he's occasionally very honest,
03:20seemed to acknowledge what the future could look like.
03:23Mr. President, what's the worst-case scenario
03:25that you have planned for in Iran?
03:29Well, I don't know if there's a worst-case
03:31where you have them very much, uh, beaten militarily
03:35from the military standpoint.
03:37I guess the worst-case would be we do this
03:39and then somebody takes over who's as bad
03:41as the previous person, right?
03:43That could happen.
03:45Uh, we don't want that to happen.
03:46That would probably be the worst.
03:48You go through this and then, uh, in five years,
03:51you realise you put somebody in who is no better.
03:54Right.
03:56That is exactly right.
03:59And it's jarring to hear such a lucid analysis
04:01of his own actions in the Middle East there.
04:03You don't expect that from him.
04:05It's like hearing him say,
04:06have you read the latest issue of The New Yorker?
04:09Or seeing him in the Criterion closet.
04:11Wait, he picked Persona?
04:14It's his favourite Bergman?
04:15I don't think I understand anything anymore.
04:18And look, obviously, there'll be much more to say
04:20about Iran going forward, but for now,
04:22we're gonna dive in with our main story this week
04:24concerning something Donald Trump absolutely hates.
04:27And even more than finding make-up
04:28that'll match his complexion.
04:30Go to Sephora, dude.
04:33It'll take ten minutes.
04:37Specifically, we're gonna talk about
04:38the United States Agency for International Development,
04:41or USAID.
04:42It was once described as the world's
04:44single largest humanitarian donor,
04:45providing aid in the form of disaster relief,
04:47global health, food assistance,
04:48climate resilience, education, and much more.
04:52And when Trump returned to the White House last year,
04:54he made it clear that the agency was in his sights.
04:59USAID, run by radical lunatics.
05:02It sounds so nice, USAID.
05:04Isn't that beautiful?
05:05But it's a whole big scam.
05:08When you look at USAID, that's a, uh,
05:12that's a fraud.
05:13The whole thing is a fraud.
05:15Uh, very little, uh, very little being put to good use.
05:18Okay, so set aside the irony of Donald Trump,
05:21of Trump University, accusing anything of being a fraud.
05:25You can't just call something a scam
05:27because you don't like it.
05:28I want to call low-rise jeans a scam.
05:31I feel like Peppa Pig's a fraud.
05:34I believe radical lunatics run Jamba Juice.
05:37Liquid fruit isn't a treat, it's cough syrup at best.
05:39But even I, acknowledging my feelings,
05:42don't make any of those thoughts true.
05:44But Trump was fixated on USAID and its spending,
05:47which is a little surprising,
05:48given it amounted to less than 1% of the federal budget.
05:52Yet, Trump and Elon Musk quickly dismantled the agency,
05:55with Elon at one point proudly tweeting
05:57he'd spent the weekend feeding USAID into the wood chipper.
06:01And a lot of MAGA Republicans were ecstatic about that.
06:05Right-wing influencer, Benny Johnson,
06:07even made a trip to D.C. to celebrate.
06:09I just got into Washington, D.C.
06:11I had to see it for myself to believe it.
06:17USAID...
06:18is no more.
06:21Check it out.
06:22There we go.
06:23Got the duct tape.
06:25Got the doors all closed off.
06:31Got everything all blacked out up there.
06:36Had to see it to believe it.
06:38The, uh, the consequences of Doge.
06:43They're not effing around.
06:46I encourage you to come here.
06:48Probably the number one selfie spot in all of Washington.
06:50First, congratulations to Benny Johnson
06:52on winning 2026's Most Punchable Glasses.
06:55And I say that as the former holder of that title.
06:57But also, that's clearly not the number one selfie spot in D.C.
07:02That would, of course, be the Washington Monument,
07:04taken at an angle so it looks like a dick.
07:07Or a cherry blossom tree,
07:08so that it looks like a dick.
07:10Or one of those pandas at the National Zoo,
07:13so that it looks like a dick.
07:15But it's not just Benny Johnson.
07:17The House Foreign Affairs Committee of Republicans
07:18celebrated the collapse of USAID
07:20by posting this incredibly shitty meme.
07:29Now, that is obviously gross,
07:30but it does say something about how annoying JD Vance is.
07:33That even in that context, one of my first thoughts was,
07:35well, JD made the cut. Good for him.
07:38And if you think that meme is in bad taste now,
07:41just wait until you see the consequences of these cuts.
07:44Because they've had real impact on people around the world
07:46engaged in the act of saving lives.
07:48Like this nurse, who, among other things,
07:51vaccinates children in remote areas of Uganda.
07:53To reach the isolated eastern Uganda mountain communities
07:57that need her help,
07:59nurse Agnes Namboza scales a treacherous 1,000-foot ladder.
08:03It's too steep for small children, mothers carrying babies,
08:07and the sick to climb down.
08:09Now, Namboza's path has gotten tougher.
08:12USAID cuts have eliminated many jobs at her clinic.
08:15As she and those who remain try to take up the slack,
08:19avoiding burnout could be as much of a challenge
08:22as getting to the isolated communities that need her help.
08:25Holy shit.
08:27That image of her on the ladder is absolutely incredible.
08:31It's like Free Solo, except unlike Alex Honnold,
08:34she's not going out of her way
08:35to make such a big fucking deal about it.
08:37But the point is,
08:39they took what appears to be the hardest job on Earth,
08:42and somehow made it even harder.
08:45And that is just the beginning of the consequences here.
08:48Because these cuts are estimated to have led to
08:49hundreds of thousands of deaths last year alone.
08:53So given all that, tonight,
08:54we thought we'd take a look at USAID.
08:56Specifically, what we've lost, why it happened,
08:59and who is responsible.
09:01And let's start with the fact that USAID was created in 1961
09:04by JFK for both humanitarian reasons,
09:07and also to increase US soft power abroad.
09:09And since then, it's come to take a leading role
09:12in everything from fighting disease to disaster assistance.
09:15In fact, when there were devastating earthquakes
09:17in Turkey and Syria just three years ago,
09:19the agency sent a response team that at one point
09:21comprised more than 200 people,
09:23many of whom assisted with search and rescue efforts like this.
09:26With signs of a survivor,
09:27the USAID team calls in reinforcements,
09:30and then we witness the impossible.
09:32Turkish rescue workers managed to recover a living victim.
09:36This is extraordinary.
09:37You can see what looks like a middle-aged man
09:39being pulled out of this wreckage.
09:40OK, that is obviously incredible,
09:43but was it completely necessary to describe him as
09:45what looks like a middle-aged man?
09:48Was that pertinent?
09:50I'm just like, I hope he's right about that guy's age,
09:53because if it turns out he's actually 19,
09:55the last thing he needs is some reporter calling him old.
09:58Hey, my hair is white from the dust of the building
10:01I've been stuck under for days, you arsehole!
10:05It's frankly, no wonder that thanks to scenes like that,
10:09USAID has enjoyed broad bipartisan support.
10:12In fact, when the agency turned 60,
10:13Lindsey Graham sent this video message.
10:16Happy anniversary to all my friends at USAID.
10:19You've made a big difference in the world.
10:21You're a force for good.
10:22You've created a great impression for our country,
10:25and you've changed lives.
10:26I've been a big champion for a long time.
10:28Enjoy this anniversary, and when it comes to USAID,
10:31the best is yet to come.
10:33Well, that's nice, isn't it?
10:34And I'm sure it motivated employees back then beyond belief.
10:38Imagine suddenly getting a message
10:39from the man who succeeded, Strom Thurmond,
10:42speaking with all the enthusiasm of someone
10:44who just got paid $6.50 on Cameo.
10:47But it wasn't just Lindsey Graham.
10:50Marco Rubio was also a huge supporter,
10:52praising the agency's work on at least two dozen occasions
10:54over more than a decade.
10:55In fact, when he was named Secretary of State,
10:58many USAID employees were hopeful,
11:00thinking he'd help to protect them.
11:03But that is not what has happened.
11:05Because this administration quickly brought USAID
11:07to its knees.
11:09By February 1st of last year,
11:10its website had been taken down.
11:12By February 7th, almost all its 10,000 employees
11:14were placed on leave.
11:15And by mid-March, after a supposed six-week review,
11:1883% of USAID programs had been terminated.
11:22And in a sign of just how thoroughly
11:24the agency had been destroyed,
11:26when there was a massive earthquake in Myanmar last March,
11:28instead of getting hundreds of U.S. rescuers,
11:32this is what happened.
11:33Aid workers say help, from the United States at least,
11:36is nowhere to be found.
11:37No American rescue teams,
11:40no visible U.S. presence in Mandalay,
11:42no American flags on the food trucks.
11:45The United States only sent a paltry amount of assistance.
11:49It sent only three workers,
11:51which then subsequently were fired.
11:54It's true.
11:55We sent three workers,
11:57and then fired them while they were there.
11:59And not only is that not enough people
12:01to send to an earthquake, for what it's worth,
12:03it is exactly the wrong number of people
12:05to send on any trip, even under the best circumstances.
12:09Two people? Sure, that's intimate,
12:10but you can both spend time alone if it's feeling tense.
12:13Four? More combinations.
12:14More vibe possibilities.
12:16Don't want a window shop in the commercial district
12:18with Casey? No problem.
12:19You can hang by the hotel pool with Leigh-Anne.
12:22But three? That is a nightmare.
12:25You're either shit-talking Tamara for being annoying
12:27about the street food tour,
12:28or you're alone knowing that the other two
12:31are shit-talking you for being so annoying
12:34about the riverboat thing.
12:36And at this point, it is worth engaging
12:38with the arguments for dismantling USAID.
12:41And let's start with the claim that there was
12:42to use conservatives' favorite phrase,
12:44which is waste, fraud, and abuse.
12:46Elon claimed that the vast majority
12:48of the agency's spending was either wasteful or nefarious,
12:51and here was his response when Joe Rogan pressed him on that.
12:54So, is there a way to, uh, audit all this stuff
12:58and find out, oh, these people are actually
13:00just sending food to poor people,
13:02these people are actually just helping people with water
13:04in third-world countries?
13:06Is there a way to do that and keep funding those?
13:09Uh, yeah. I mean, we have continued to fund things
13:12that appear to be legitimate, even with the flimsiest...
13:15if there's even the flimsiest excuse.
13:17Like, I'd just say, like, send me a picture of the thing.
13:20Like, you could literally have AI generate the picture,
13:22but if you're not even willing to try to trick me...
13:25...then we're, like, not gonna send the money.
13:27What the fuck are you talking about?
13:30Send me a picture?
13:31You can't treat foreign aid
13:33like it's a Grubhub delivery.
13:35And by the way, I don't even think Grubhub drivers
13:37should have to do that either.
13:38Enough is asked of them already without making them
13:40and take an awkward photo of me accepting my bag of ramen.
13:44And to address Rogan's question,
13:46there actually was an army of staffers,
13:48including auditors and lawyers,
13:50both inside the agency and in its Inspector General's office,
13:53whose job it was to track spending.
13:55And for what it's worth, one review found
13:57in the last six IG reports of USAID,
14:0094% of the spending had been audited,
14:02and only 0.3% were found to have issues.
14:05And even then, half of that was reclaimed.
14:07But even without knowing that,
14:09it's tough to take waste allegations from Elon seriously,
14:13given his Doge team seemed to have no idea
14:15what the programs they were cutting even did.
14:18ProPublica recently revealed
14:20that people at the agency watch
14:21as their brand-new chief of staff
14:23scrolls down a spreadsheet of programs,
14:25turning rows red, yellow, or green every few seconds,
14:28never asking a single question.
14:30Then, realizing that the red programs
14:32were slated to be cut,
14:33they frantically started editing descriptions
14:35so we'd at least know what those programs did.
14:38And while the administration at one point insisted
14:41the programs would be spared
14:42if they were considered life-saving,
14:44just listen to this former USAID employee
14:47tell a Senate roundtable how those decisions got made.
14:50When we flagged a long list of awards
14:53that were needed for life-saving activities,
14:55we were told that the problem was
14:57the names of those awards didn't make clear
15:00that they were life-saving.
15:02It didn't have the word life-saving in the name.
15:04And therefore, it was very hard for the secretary's team
15:07to understand which awards should or should not be terminated.
15:10And so the implication was that if we had been more clear
15:13in the names that these were life-saving awards,
15:15maybe then they would have been saved.
15:17Now, obviously, that is stupid for a thousand reasons.
15:19First, because everybody knows
15:21that names aren't usually literal descriptions
15:24of what you are getting.
15:25It's the reason that ketchup isn't called
15:27Salty Tomato Inspired Glop.
15:29Conjunctivitis isn't called
15:30Shit On Your Finger Then Touched Your Eye Disease.
15:33And this show isn't called
15:34Facts You Read In The New Yorker 18 months ago
15:36with what seems to be a middle-aged man.
15:39It's called Poetic Licence.
15:42And it is notable that for all the talk of fraud,
15:46even Jeremy Lewin, a doge guy who eventually served
15:48as deputy administrator and COO of the agency
15:51and who often personally decided which programs
15:54should be axed, later admitted his team didn't find much.
15:58You know, we talk about, people talk about fraud, right?
16:03Doge didn't find that much fraud at USAID.
16:06It's really a definitional question, what is fraud?
16:08In the sense of, well, you know, maybe I defrauded you,
16:10the grant says I do X and I do Y, right?
16:12That's a very narrow conception of fraud.
16:15But is it a fraud to say you have this organization that,
16:17you know, the New York Times has painted
16:19as feeding all sorts of, you know, poor and destitute people
16:22around the world, but in fact, a significant portion
16:24of the money is going to pay $400,000 salaries at UC Berkeley
16:27to do climate and sort of race science research, right?
16:30Is that a fraud on the American people?
16:32I mean, I would say it kind of is.
16:34Okay, so radicalized young Sheldon there is basically answering
16:39did Doge find fraud with, it's a definitional question,
16:42which isn't a great look.
16:44If you ask a detective, did you find the killer?
16:46And he says, it depends how you define the words killer
16:48and find, it would be safe to say the Tulsa Strangler
16:52is still definitely at large.
16:54As for his claim there about salaries
16:56for race science research projects,
16:58we tried to find out what the fuck he was talking about
17:00and we couldn't.
17:01We even asked him and the State Department
17:04for more information about it and they didn't provide any.
17:07But if the very phrase race science set off alarm bells,
17:11you should know people who knew Lewin in high school
17:13said he had a history of violent outbursts
17:15and racist remarks and that he believed non-white people
17:18were inherently of lower value than white people,
17:20which seems like a whole lot of words for racist
17:23and I don't think that's a definitional issue.
17:26Now, before Lewin got that job at USAID,
17:29his position was held by a different member
17:31of the Trump administration called Pete Morocco.
17:33He actually worked there during Trump's first term too
17:36and attempted to delay or halt dozens of programs,
17:39but ultimately wasn't successful,
17:41which is why when he came back last year,
17:44one former official said,
17:45what we're seeing right now is Pete's revenge tour.
17:48And for the record, Pete's revenge tour
17:50sounds like a band composed entirely
17:53of former middle school football coaches
17:54who got fired because kids kept getting heat stroke
17:57and all of whom were at the Capitol on January 6th.
18:00And I only say that because Morocco did apparently
18:03storm the Capitol on January 6th.
18:06With, with his wife, by the way.
18:08Couple goals.
18:10But the thing is, as eager as this administration has been
18:13to eradicate any funding it claimed was going to woke causes
18:17and singling out small individual expenditures for ridicule,
18:20it still doesn't explain wholly dismantling this agency.
18:25Because traditionally, administrations have been free
18:28to make sure foreign aid reflects their values,
18:30whatever those values are.
18:32Just listen to the man who ran USAID under George W. Bush
18:36explain that to Congress.
18:38When the Democrats took over, they moved the agency to the left.
18:42I moved it to the right.
18:43The Obama people actually said I was very right-wing.
18:47I was the most right-wing administrator
18:49in the history of the agency, and yet the career people
18:52followed what I wanted to do in the agency.
18:55We put heavy emphasis on economic growth.
18:57I believe in economic growth.
18:59I believe in the private sector.
19:01I believe in free markets.
19:03That's what AID does.
19:05The notion that AID is some kind of a Marxist institution
19:08is absolutely ridiculous, OK?
19:11Exactly.
19:12Think of USAID like the cha-cha slide.
19:15You can slide it to the left.
19:16You can slide it to the right.
19:19And the next administration can then take it back now, y'all.
19:23Even during Trump's first term,
19:26he didn't take USAID apart.
19:29He just shifted its focus by de-prioritizing areas
19:33like maternal health and family planning,
19:34while increasing funding for emergency responses
19:36and digital infrastructure.
19:38All of which raises the question, what changed this time
19:41to make them want to put the agency through a wood chipper?
19:44Well, I'm afraid the answer to that
19:46is incredibly dumb, because many observers think
19:49it has something to do with this guy, Mike Benz,
19:52a far-right conservative activist.
19:53Elon's fixation on USAID appears to date to late 2024,
19:58when Benz appeared on Joe Rogan's podcast
20:00and shit all over the agency.
20:01Elon then retweeted, replied to, or mentioned Benz
20:04over 160 times in the next year, sharing things like,
20:08USAID was a vipers' nest of radical left Marxists
20:11to hate America, and USAID is a criminal organization.
20:15Even that wood chipper tweet was in reply to Mike Benz.
20:19And it's worth taking a minute to explain who Mike Benz is.
20:23He worked a few jobs during Trump's first term,
20:26including a brief stint at the State Department,
20:28and he is, to put it mildly, a chronically online lunatic.
20:31Among the things he's posted are this portrait of Trump,
20:35made out of charcuterie, and this AI slot video,
20:38where he farts in former FBI director Chris Ray's mouth.
20:41He also once posted about the jeans he got for his birthday.
20:45And if you're thinking, well, hold on,
20:45that doesn't seem so bad to me.
20:47I'll point out, these were the jeans.
20:50That's right, he got 9-11 jeans for his birthday.
20:55You can apparently buy those jeans online for $180.
20:59And the reason I know that is, oh, fuck you,
21:01how little do you think of me?
21:05But it gets worse.
21:08Because Benz apparently used to be a content creator
21:11who went by frame game,
21:13and pushed a variety of far-right narratives,
21:14including the great replacement theory,
21:16and made montages urging white viewers to unite
21:19under the banner of race.
21:20And he is fixated on the notion that USAID is basically a front.
21:25Here is how he put it to Rogan in that interview
21:27that got Elon's attention.
21:29There's no aid in USAID, by the way.
21:31That's, your brain is being tricked
21:33when you see the phrase USAID.
21:35It's not an aid organization.
21:36The aid in USAID stands for Agent...
21:38US Agency for International Development.
21:40Yeah, it's an acronym, Mike.
21:46It's an acronym.
21:48We all know how those work.
21:50You haven't exactly blown Roswell open there.
21:53But that's just the beginning.
21:55Benz has also said, when it's too dirty for the CIA,
21:58you give it to USAID.
21:59Which, for the record, is obviously not the case.
22:01We all know, when a job is too dirty for the CIA,
22:04you arm Afghan Mujahideen and train them in cell warfare
22:06with a stated goal of beating back Soviet influence in the region.
22:09And then, coincidentally, they team up with Osama Bin Laden,
22:11who will later carry out the very attack Mike Benz is so obsessed with,
22:14he got birthday denim merch.
22:16And look, that is not to say there aren't small grains of truth
22:20underneath all of Benz's bullshit.
22:23You know, USAID was not perfect, as one of its former heads of global health wrote.
22:27It sometimes fostered dependency.
22:29It could be inefficient.
22:30Too much of its funding went to international institutions
22:32rather than local ones.
22:34And, yes, its history does include episodes
22:36in which aid was bent to American military and political aims,
22:38including an incident in 2010,
22:40when it created a social networking service in Cuba
22:42designed to kindle opposition to the government.
22:45And I do not like the fact that the agency did that.
22:48In general, I like my regime changes
22:50the way I like my produce, locally sourced.
22:53But let's not pretend instances like that
22:57were anything other than a tiny portion of what USAID did.
23:00Also, as the people of Venezuela and Iran can attest,
23:04when the US wants regime change nowadays,
23:05it tends to do so pretty fucking directly.
23:09So it's not like any of those criticisms
23:11justify getting rid of the agency entirely.
23:14But to hear Benz tell it, USAID is basically
23:18the root of all this world's problems.
23:20USAID is one of the most disturbing organizations
23:24in the entire federal government.
23:25It may rank number one, in fact.
23:28Many people think they live in the world they think they live in,
23:32but in some respects, it's a carefully constructed
23:34Truman Show made up of movie characters around them,
23:38produced by USAID.
23:40And what I mean by that is USAID has infected
23:42the institutional architecture of every aspect of American society
23:47and world society.
23:49Wow.
23:50The whole world has been Truman Showed by USAID.
23:54It's not something you expect to hear someone say on TV.
23:57At best, it's something you expect to hear them muttering on a city bus.
24:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:02Yeah, they've infected the institutional architecture.
24:04You know what? I think I'm going to get off here.
24:05I know we're halfway across a bridge, but I'm pretty sure that this is my stop.
24:10It's frankly no wonder Benz took a victory lap when USAID was gutted,
24:14posting this image of himself celebrating at its grave.
24:17And at this point, you should probably see some of the damage that's been done,
24:21because it is vast.
24:23As one expert put it, I think the best evidence that USAID works
24:28is how quickly people started dying when it went away.
24:31Now, it is hard to get exact counts on deaths,
24:34partly because these cuts have, among other things, halted data monitoring.
24:38But researchers have estimated over 262,000 adults
24:42and over half a million children died last year as a result of these cuts.
24:48Though I do have to tell you, Marco Rubio strongly denies claims like those.
24:52Anybody who tells you that somehow it's the United States,
24:56if we cut a dollar, somehow we're responsible for some horrific thing
24:59that's going on in the world, it's just not true.
25:01Are you standing by your contention that no one has died?
25:04No one has died because the United States has cut aid. No.
25:06Okay, so, is he telling the truth there?
25:09Well, I would argue that the answer to that is the same as the answer to the question,
25:12are Marco Rubio's ears proportional to the size of his head?
25:16Which is to say, absolutely, demonstrably, not.
25:20And maybe the best way to rebut that is to show you some of the specific places
25:24and programs that have been impacted by these cuts.
25:27And let's start with food and nutrition assistance, which have been devastating.
25:31For instance, in Nigeria, clinics which provided malnutrition treatment
25:34for more than 300,000 children below the age of two
25:37were shut down at the end of July.
25:38And in Afghanistan, NGO warehouses were bare, despite 900,000 children
25:42being in desperate need of treatment for severe acute malnutrition.
25:46And it is not just cuts to the food itself.
25:49The administration also disrupted the global supply chain
25:52that moves food for desperate people all over the world.
25:55And that means even when the food's actually there,
25:59the ability to get it to people who need it can be gone.
26:02For instance, last summer, disruptions led to some food spoiling in a warehouse.
26:07The Trump administration is planning to destroy a massive amount of emergency food.
26:13Some 500 metric tons or just over a million pounds of high-energy biscuits
26:18meant to feed hungry kids in Afghanistan and Pakistan will now be incinerated.
26:24That first reported by The Atlantic.
26:26We have a kind of a standard procedure that if food is expired, it will be destroyed.
26:33Federal workers had requested approval from USAID leadership
26:37to move the emergency food before it spoiled.
26:41But their memos went unanswered.
26:43That is just maddening.
26:46Especially not even answering the memos.
26:48Leaving someone on read is always unforgivable.
26:51But especially when the text is,
26:53hey, shorty, one million pounds of high-energy biscuits about to expire.
26:57You up?
26:58And scenes like that are playing out all over the world.
27:01At one refugee camp in Kenya that had relied on USAID funding,
27:05reporters found mothers who'd had to choose which of their kids to feed,
27:08and pregnant women who were so desperate for calories that they ate mud.
27:12But it's not just food assistance that's been cut.
27:15It's estimated more than 2,000 health clinics
27:17have closed in crisis zones around the world.
27:19Here is what happened at just one.
27:22Before, the NGO Action Against Hunger ran this center here,
27:25providing life-saving medical assistance.
27:28But it closed down in February, along with seven others in the area,
27:32when USAID stopped funding the organization.
27:35Within just over a month, 29 children in the district
27:38died of malnutrition and illness.
27:42We've never had such a high death rate.
27:44It was catastrophic.
27:46These are deaths that we could have avoided if funding had been maintained
27:49and we continued our activities.
27:51Yeah, it's appalling.
27:52And it makes it even worse when you remember House Republicans
27:56literally celebrated these cuts with this shit.
28:05Yeah, it's true. You are killing a lot of people in Africa.
28:08You jib-jabbed fucks.
28:09The point is, these cuts have cost lives.
28:13And perhaps one of the clearest examples of this
28:16concerns PEPFAR, or the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief.
28:20It was created during the George W. Bush administration
28:22and is often described as one of the most successful
28:25global health programs in history.
28:27It's credited with saving 26 million lives
28:30and enabling 7.8 million babies to be born without HIV
28:33since it was created.
28:35It is as close to a miracle as this government has ever accomplished.
28:39If I had to say one nice thing about George W. Bush,
28:42this program would be it.
28:44And if I had to say two, I would go quiet.
28:48And while the administration will stress that PEPFAR still exists,
28:52it's crucial a delivery mechanism has been severely disrupted.
28:56As soon as the cut started last January,
28:58critics were... clinics were forced to shut their doors,
29:01essential frontline health workers were furloughed,
29:03and community programs reaching the most vulnerable people stopped.
29:06And while PEPFAR was granted a limited waiver
29:09to implement urgent, life-saving HIV treatment services,
29:12a lot got left out of that waiver.
29:16Because while, for instance, it allowed the prevention medication prep
29:19for pregnant and breastfeeding women,
29:21it didn't include it for anyone else,
29:23including those who were already on it.
29:26It also left out funding for HIV prevention more generally,
29:28and most programming for orphans and vulnerable children.
29:31And a major casualty of cuts to PEPFAR
29:33were locally-rooted programs tailored to the needs
29:36of specific groups of people, like specialized clinics
29:39for sex workers, men who have sex with men,
29:42and people who inject drugs.
29:43And infuriatingly, to some Republicans,
29:46that seemed to be sort of the point.
29:48This stuff about PEPFAR, oh, my God,
29:51you're gonna destroy the world.
29:53Now, there's a part of PEPFAR that deals with money
29:56for life-saving care, isn't it?
29:59Absolutely.
30:00And there's a part of PEPFAR that you look at it,
30:04and you want to say, pass me the sick bucket, isn't there?
30:09Yes, sir.
30:09And you're getting rid of the sick bucket stuff.
30:13Yes, sir.
30:14You're getting rid of $5.5 million to lesbian, gay, bisexual,
30:20transgender, queer, and intersex advocacy in Uganda, aren't you?
30:25Yes, sir.
30:26I can't believe we're arguing about this.
30:30I can't believe we're arguing about this.
30:32Wow, that is some pretty homophobic stuff,
30:35coming from a man wearing the single cuntiest pair of glasses
30:38I think I've ever seen.
30:40Also, for what it's worth,
30:42if anything is gonna make me say, pass the sick bucket,
30:45it isn't the critical work of PEPFAR,
30:47it is the memory rattling eternally around my head
30:51of Senator John Kennedy saying this.
30:54I can't wait to have your cock in my mouth.
30:58Well, that certainly makes one of us.
31:03But despite what Kennedy said there,
31:06cuts to PEPFAR are absolutely affecting life-saving care,
31:09and for a huge amount of people,
31:11and not just those whose lives seem to make him want to
31:14reach for the sick bucket.
31:17Even short disruptions to HIV care can be deadly,
31:20and have already resulted in stories like this.
31:22The cutoff of the medication of the HIV and all of these
31:27has really, you know, affected us so much.
31:32The eight HIV-positive orphans he cared for
31:35used to get their medicine from the local hospital for free.
31:38After the cuts, he was told he'd have to pay,
31:41and because he couldn't afford to do so,
31:43the orphanage ran out.
31:46Without this medication,
31:4714-year-old Megandha Andrew quickly fell ill.
31:52He grew up weaker and weaker every day,
31:54and, you know, lost in his life in the process.
31:56The community he loved gathering to say their goodbyes,
32:01burying him on February 21st.
32:04That photo is absolutely gutting.
32:07And since Elon seems to genuinely want
32:09pictures of what USAID does around the world
32:12to somehow prove to him that it's worthwhile,
32:14I hope a day of that fucking ghoul's life
32:17does not go by without someone sending him that photo.
32:20And, you know, who cannot claim
32:23he didn't know the value of USAID's work,
32:26especially when it comes to HIV, Marco Rubio.
32:29Because back in 2015, while running for president,
32:32he said this.
32:33Foreign aid can make a difference when properly used.
32:36And if you ever have a chance, travel to the African conduit,
32:39and you will meet people who are alive today
32:41because the American taxpayer funded antiviral HIV medications
32:45that kept them alive,
32:46it will not be easy to radicalize people who are alive
32:49because the American taxpayer saved their lives
32:51and the lives of their children.
32:53That's a really good point, Marco.
32:55No, and that is clearly a very different Rubio back then,
32:57one who seemed to have political aspirations
32:59beyond disassociating on a couch,
33:01while J.D. Vance yells at Zelensky
33:03like a kid stuck at a sleepover
33:04while his friend's parents fight.
33:06And incredibly, I'm still only scratching the surface here.
33:09There are programs concerning treatment and prevention
33:11of cholera and neglected tropical diseases,
33:13clean water and climate resiliency,
33:15and many, many others that have also been butchered.
33:17But there is one more area I think is worth mentioning,
33:20and that is education.
33:21Because without funding for that,
33:23there are children around the world
33:24who no longer have a safe place to learn.
33:26And while these stories may not be captured
33:28when you hear about the numbers of deaths,
33:30that does not mean the impacts aren't horrific.
33:33Just look at this massive refugee camp in Bangladesh,
33:36populated by Rohingya refugees from Myanmar.
33:38The U.S. slashed its funding by nearly half.
33:41And just one of the consequences
33:42is that many kids no longer have a school to attend
33:45and have been forced into dire circumstances.
33:48There's been a sharp rise in girls being forced into prostitution,
33:51and UNICEF has estimated that cases of child marriage
33:53rose by 21% compared to the same period the year prior.
33:57And without school to attend,
33:59young boys like this one were suddenly forced to go to work.
34:02Ten-year-old Mohammed Arfan spends all day selling snacks,
34:06missing the classroom where he once felt safe.
34:24ARFAN WORRIES ABOUT BEING TARGETED BY KIDNAPPERS OR THIEVES
34:28WHILE AT WORK.
34:29BUT HE HAS NO OTHER OPTION.
34:31YEAH, IT'S AWFUL.
34:32AND HONESTLY, I WOULD NOT BE AT ALL SURPRISED
34:34IF BENNY JOHNSON TRAVELED THERE TO POST A THRILLED VIDEO
34:37WHERE HE SAYS,
34:38THAT KID'S SNACK STAND IS THE BEST SELFIE SPOT
34:40IN ALL OF SOUTHEAST AND BANGLADESH.
34:42BUT IF HE DOES THAT, I'M WARNING YOU NOW,
34:44I'M TAKING DOWN THE ELECTRICAL GRID.
34:46LOOK, WHAT THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS DONE
34:48IS BEYOND CRUEL.
34:50I HAVEN'T SHOWN YOU ANYWHERE CLOSE
34:52TO THE WORST FOOTAGE WE HAD TO WATCH
34:54PUTTING THIS STORY TOGETHER.
34:55AND AFTER SEEING AND READING ABOUT ALL OF THIS,
34:57IT IS ACTUALLY STOMACH-CHURNING
34:59TO THINK ABOUT COFFIN MEMES OR GRAVESTONE INSTAGRAM POSTS
35:02OR OVERJOIED SELFIE VIDEOS,
35:04BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE AN ABSOLUTE ASHTRAY OF A PERSON
35:07TO CHEER THIS KIND OF THING ON.
35:09NOW, I SHOULD SAY,
35:10THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW APPROACH
35:12CALLED THE AMERICA FIRST GLOBAL HEALTH STRATEGY.
35:15IT'S SUPPOSED TO RESTART SOME FORMS OF HEALTH-RELATED FOREIGN AID,
35:18THOUGH NO OTHER KINDS AND ONLY IN SOME COUNTRIES,
35:21WITH A CENTRAL IDEA BEING THAT THEY WANT LOCAL GOVERNMENTS
35:23TO TAKE MORE AGENCY OVER FOREIGN AID.
35:25AND HONESTLY, I GENUINELY HOPE IT WORKS.
35:29BUT WE HAVE VERY LITTLE IN THE WAY OF SPECIFICS,
35:32AND IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT TO IMPLEMENT GIVEN THIS ADMINISTRATION
35:34JUST DETONATED THE DECADS' WORTH OF EXPERTISE, GOODWILL,
35:37AND INSTITUTIONAL SCAFFOLDING THAT HAD HELPED THEM DELIVER THE AID.
35:41THEY'VE ALSO INSISTED, BY THE WAY, THAT ANY FOREIGN AID
35:43SHOULD FURTHER THE NATIONAL INTEREST OF THE UNITED STATES.
35:46THOUGH, I WILL POINT OUT, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT USAID WAS ALREADY DOING.
35:50BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH,
35:52AND DON'T THINK SAVING MILLIONS OF LIVES IS A GOOD THING IN AND OF ITSELF,
35:56YOU SHOULD KNOW, THE AGENCY BROUGHT US GOODWILL AROUND THE WORLD,
35:59WHILE ALSO TRACKING AND PREVENTING GLOBAL DISEASE OUTBREAKS,
36:02WHICH AS THIS MAN, WHO WORKED ALONGSIDE USAID IN GANA,
36:05CORRECTLY POINTS OUT, IS SORT OF IN OUR OWN INTEREST.
36:09IF WE ARE ABLE TO PREVENT PANDEMICS, IT'S A GLOBAL GOOD.
36:12ANY INFECTION THAT YOU CAN PICK FROM GANA, AS AN AMERICAN CITIZEN,
36:17YOU TAKE IT BACK THERE.
36:19OR A LITTLE MOSQUITO ON THE PLANE.
36:20MOSQUITO ON THE PLANE.
36:21NOW MORE THAN EVER, IT'S EASIER TO TRANSMIT DISEASE ACROSS THE GLOBE.
36:25WITH DINNER DAY.
36:27YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
36:28AND ANYONE FAMILIAR WITH THE PHRASES SOURDOUGH STARTER OR ANIMAL CROSSING
36:32OR CAROL BASKIN KNOWS HOW PAINFULLY TRUE THAT IS.
36:36AND LOOK, I KNOW THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S CONSTANTLY SPITTING OUT DISASTERS.
36:41I REALLY DO.
36:42AND I'M SURE THEY'D LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN FOR PEOPLE TO MOVE ON FROM THIS.
36:45BUT IT IS CRUCIAL NOT TO LET WHAT THEY'VE DONE BE FORGOTTEN.
36:49BECAUSE WHILE THE NUMBERS OF THOSE HURT OR KILLED BY THESE CUTS
36:52CAN BE GENUINELY HARD TO WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND.
36:55THE INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE AREN'T.
36:58USIRD WAS NOT PERFECT, BUT IT WAS WORKING MIRACLES.
37:01AND THIS GOVERNMENT DECIDED TO RETRACT THOSE MIRACLES ON PURPOSE.
37:05THIS IS A MAN-MADE DISASTER.
37:07AND WHEN YOU REMEMBER THESE FACES, I WANT YOU TO THINK OF THESE TWO.
37:10PEOPLE LIKE ELON SEND ME A PICK MUSK, PETE REVENGE TOUR MOROCCO BIKE,
37:159-11 JEANS BENZ, JEREMY PLEASE DEFINE FRAUD FOR ME, LEWIN,
37:19AND MARCO FUCKING RUBIO.
37:21BECAUSE IN THE FUTURE, I'M SURE THEY'RE GOING TO WANT TO TRY AND SPIN
37:25THEIR WORK DESTROYING USAID INTO SOMETHING A LOT MORE PALATABLE,
37:29BUT WE CANNOT LET THEM DO THAT.
37:31THE VERY LEAST WE CAN DO GOING FORWARD IS TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY FUCKING DID.
37:36AND NOW, THIS.
37:38AND NOW, WINTER WEATHER MAKES METEOROLOGISTS GET A LITTLE DEFENSIVE.
37:44I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, I DON'T WANT YOU TO HATE ME FOR THIS,
37:47BUT WE HAVEN'T SEEN THE COLDEST WEATHER YET.
37:50SINGLE DIGIT, THAT IS BRUTAL.
37:53SORRY.
37:53YEAH, I'M REMINDED OF THAT OLD SAYING, DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER.
37:57THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER SITUATIONS.
37:59I DON'T CONTROL THE RAIN, I'M JUST TELLING YOU THAT IT'S ON THE WAY.
38:02PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START TO HATE ME OVER THE COMING DAYS
38:05BECAUSE IT'S JUST GOING TO GET WORSE AND WORSE, AND THERE'S MORE SNOW.
38:08START.
38:09SOMEONE JUST TEXTS ME THERE, I'M DEAD TO THEM.
38:11YES, EXACTLY.
38:13PLEASE DON'T HATE ME FOR THIS, I DIDN'T BRING THE COLD WEATHER, IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE HERE.
38:18IT'S MOTHER NATURE'S FAULT, IT'S NOT YOUR MOTHER NATURE'S.
38:20IT'S GOING TO SNOW, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
38:22THAT IS NOT MY FAULT, WE'RE HERE TO KEEP EVERYBODY PREPARED, WE'RE NOT DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.
38:27I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE, IF I COULD CONTROL THE WEATHER, IT WOULD BE 70 DEGREES YEAR ROUND
38:30WITH JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF RAINFALL WHEN WE NEED IT, BUT THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
38:34IF I HAD THE ABILITY TO MAKE IT WARMER, I WOULD LOVE TO.
38:37I'M JUST THE MESSENGER, I DON'T MAKE THE WEATHER.
38:39I'M SORRY, I'M THE MESSENGER, I DON'T MAKE THE WEATHER.
38:41I DON'T MAKE THE TRASH, I JUST DRIVE THE TRUCK.
38:45PLEASE DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER, JUST KNOW THAT I GOTTA TELL YOU WHAT THE FORECAST IS, AND IT'S COLD.
38:49I'M GONNA LET CALEB BE THE BEAR OF THE BAD NEWS, THOUGH.
38:54IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
38:54IS IT MY FAULT?
38:55NO.
38:56NO, IS IT YOURS?
38:58NO, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, EITHER.
39:02MOVING ON.
39:03BEFORE WE GO, A QUICK WORD ABOUT SOAP OPERIES.
39:06I LOVE THEM.
39:07THEY'RE A PLACE FOR COMPELLING DECADES-LONG DRAMAS, AS WELL AS OCCASIONAL SPECTACULAR TWISTS.
39:12WHO CAN FORGET WHEN SHEILA ON THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL RELEASED BEES INTO LANCE'S APARTMENT TO STING HIM TO
39:17DEATH?
39:17OR WHEN SKY NEWMAN FELL INTO A VOLCANO ON THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, AND I HATE TO BREAK IT
39:21TO YOU, DID NOT SURVIVE THAT.
39:23OR WHEN ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES, CASSIE BRADY'S BODY WAS DISCOVERED AFTER FALLING OUT OF A TURKEY-SHAPED PIÑATA
39:28ON THANKSGIVING.
39:29OR WHEN ON PASSIONS, DR. EVE RUSSELL GOT SO DRUNK, SHE REATTACHED HER LOVER'S PENIS UP-SIDE DOWN.
39:35OR ON GUIDING LIGHT, WHEN REVA, KNOWN AS THE SLUT OF SPRINGFIELD, BECAME OBSESSED WITH A TIME TRAVELING PAINTING LAUNCHING
39:41HERSELF INTO EDWARDIAN ENGLAND, THE CIVIL WAR, AND WORLD WAR II PARIS, ALL OF WHICH WAS YEARS AFTER SHE WAS
39:46CLONED FOR UNRELATED REASONS.
39:48AND LET'S PLEASE NEVER FORGET THIS MOMENT ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES WHEN STEFANO FOUND MARLENA TIED UP, AND HELPED
39:54GET HER FREE.
39:56MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA.
40:00MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA
40:11MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA
40:12MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA
40:19MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARLENA MARL
40:28I'm not gonna give you any context for that.
40:31I'll merely point out, this is why we have TV.
40:33For breaking news and this.
40:35Honestly, if HBO said, fuck it, cancel everything,
40:38we only show Marlena transforming into the devil now,
40:41I'd roll over willingly.
40:42I might even start watching this network.
40:44The point is, soaps are fun.
40:46That may be why they are a magnet for celebrity cameos,
40:49from musicians like Rihanna, Snoop Dogg,
40:52Katy Perry and Smokey Robinson,
40:54to actors like Elizabeth Taylor,
40:56Dick Van Dyke and Betty White,
40:57to even future presidents.
40:59Yeah, Trump cameoed on Days of Our Lives in 2005.
41:02And fun fact, the infamous Access Hollywood tape
41:04was from Billy Bush visiting Trump on that set.
41:07A moment that changed the course of history, not at all.
41:12And sometimes there are cameos from celebrities
41:14you'd expect even less.
41:15Like this one from General Hospital a few years back.
41:17And I guarantee, you won't be able to predict
41:20a single thing about what you are about to see.
41:24Colonel Sanders is coming over.
41:27Here.
41:29You set this up.
41:31There's no way that's who's at the...
41:34Actually, my dear, it's wonderful to see you again.
41:38It's been a minute.
41:38That it has.
41:39I'm so happy you could join us.
41:41Come on in.
41:43Who's your friend?
41:45Lulu Falconeri.
41:46Lulu, this is the Colonel Harlan Sanders.
41:49How'd you do?
41:56It's just excellent.
41:59And you should know, the woman in blue there,
42:00Lulu Falconeri, is a journalist,
42:02which becomes important during their conversation.
42:06I'm sorry.
42:06I just cannot believe that I am sitting with Colonel Sanders.
42:10How do you know each other?
42:11Well, that's a...
42:13That's a whale of a tale.
42:15The Colonel tells the best stories.
42:18Okay, I have to get this down.
42:22I'm afraid this is going to have to stay off the record.
42:25Of course.
42:27This is just a conversation between friends.
42:30Right, Lulu?
42:31Absolutely.
42:32Yes.
42:34Well, it all started when a syndicate tried to hack
42:38into the KFC mainframe with plans to steal my secret recipe.
42:47It's perfect.
42:48First, let's just agree, these two are fucking, right?
42:51The energy is very, we've hooked up, we'll do it again.
42:54We don't want this other girl to know,
42:55but also we kind of do because that is part of it for us.
42:58Honestly, until he said the words,
42:59a syndicate tried to hack into the KFC mainframe,
43:01I thought they were about to have a threesome.
43:03And this isn't the point, but any current TV drama
43:07that hasn't shoehorned Colonel Sanders in are cowards.
43:09Throw him into Lumon, see what that shakes up.
43:12Give him an opioid addiction on the pit.
43:14Hey, Mike White, I am begging you, please check Harlan in.
43:19Now, often celebrity cameos like that are one-offs,
43:22appearing in a single scene or staying for a week,
43:24never to return.
43:25But there is one individual who's been doing
43:27quite a bit more than that, and for a while now,
43:29here he is in a scene from General Hospital.
43:31You up for an adventure?
43:33San Juan, Hong Kong, Marrakesh?
43:37No, not adventure.
43:38Monica has declared Jason legally dead,
43:41so we're all gonna be going to the memorial service.
43:45May he rest in peace?
43:46Yeah, now, for those who don't know,
43:48that is sports pundit Stephen A. Smith,
43:50playing a character called Brick.
43:51No last name, just Brick.
43:53If you are not familiar with Stephen A.,
43:55he's famous for having a million hot takes
43:57and being unafraid to voice them.
43:59We talk about the GOAT here, the greatest of all time,
44:02Michael Jordan, and you running your mouth
44:03talking about you're gonna be the one-on-one.
44:05Why would you say something so blasphemous?
44:08Y'all won two playoff games in 25 years,
44:09and you're gonna sit up here, stick it out your chest,
44:11talking about how it's the dawn of a new day?
44:13Y'all ain't nothing, okay?
44:15His very first move as the executive
44:18was to sign Lamar Odom, who was on crack.
44:22Who do you think is winning in a street fight?
44:25Stuart Little or Ratatouille?
44:29That's an easy one, it's Ratatouille.
44:30Ratat- Ratatouille?
44:32No, that's them big-ass rats
44:35in the sewers of the New York subway system.
44:38You know, the kind that cats run from.
44:42Yeah, if you only knew Stephen A. Smith from sports,
44:45it's genuinely disorienting seeing him in a soap opera.
44:48It'd be like suddenly seeing Alex Jones
44:50in the cast of Downton Abbey.
44:52This was not in God's plan for you.
44:54But here's the thing, that wasn't a one-time appearance.
44:57Stephen A. has played Brick since 2016,
44:59and he always acts the shit out of the role.
45:02The map isn't easily accessible,
45:05at least not without the proper security clearance.
45:11I'm gonna say it for you, whether you want to hear it or not.
45:15One man, two women.
45:20Sonny, that's one too many.
45:22I've personally vetted every single person that works for you.
45:26I guess I gotta question the source.
45:31What?
45:32It is amazing to me, that for nearly a decade,
45:35Stephen A. Smith has been a recurring character
45:36on General Hospital, and we barely heard anything about it.
45:39And I'm guessing that is because people who know Stephen A. Smith
45:41aren't watching soap operas, and people who watch soap operas
45:44don't know who Stephen A. Smith is.
45:46That is actually how we found out about this.
45:48One of our writer's mothers was watching General Hospital one day,
45:50and when our writer asked, hey, that actor looks really familiar,
45:54who is it?
45:54Her mother responded simply, that's Brick.
45:58The point is, for almost ten years,
46:01in between Stephen A. Smith picking fights with athletes,
46:03shit-talking politicians, and by the way,
46:05repeatedly threatening to run for president,
46:07which he should not do,
46:09he's also been playing Brick, the right-hand man
46:11to Sonny Carinthos, head of the Carinthos crime family.
46:14Over the last ten years, he's car-bombed an enemy's limo,
46:16tampered with evidence in a custody case,
46:18forged records to state that a Turkish orphan was
46:20actually a member of his boss's family,
46:22and just this past season, he did this.
46:29Sorry to interrupt.
46:32I'm gonna need to see some ID.
46:35Of course.
46:43Holy shit! Everything about that clip is insane!
46:47From the music, to the slow-motion shootout, to the gun,
46:51that much like Stephen A. Smith's acting career,
46:53came out of fucking nowhere.
46:54And yes, that woman ended up being an assassin,
46:57but for the record, you can't just walk into a hospital room
46:59and ask to see a nurse's ID.
47:02That's not how anything works.
47:04And look, I will admit here, the reason I'm bringing this up
47:06is because I am jealous.
47:08I have a genuine love for soaps.
47:10Where else can an imposter nurse be shot in a hospital,
47:13or a woman be possessed by the devil,
47:15or Colonel Sanders have a kiki with his best blondes?
47:17Not to sound like an iconic tits-out mermaid,
47:20but I want to be part of that world.
47:22So, to all the soap operas out there, let me say this.
47:25I am officially offering myself to you.
47:28Write me a role, and I will be on your set so fast,
47:31it will make your head spin.
47:33I only have a few conditions.
47:35First, I don't want to play myself.
47:36I want to be a character, and I want his name to be ridiculous.
47:39Also, I want to do something juicy, like murder,
47:42or slapping, or being slapped, or being someone's long-lost something.
47:45And ideally, I'd like a dramatic close-up
47:47of my face, but in return, trust me,
47:49I will give my all to this performance.
47:51And to prove to you that I can do it, please, come with me.
48:08Licence and registration, nurse.
48:13Are you insane?
48:15I'm not showing you my license.
48:17I'm a real nurse.
48:25Goddard.
48:27The point is, call me soaps.
48:28I am available, I'm willing to travel,
48:30and I want this more than you can possibly understand.
48:33And now, if you would please excuse me, colonel.
48:45Help me pack up this body.
48:48Gladly.
48:49It's not my first time, and it won't be my last.
48:52KFC's always looking for more ingredients.
48:57I know you are, Harlan.
48:59It is okay if I call you Harlan, isn't it?
49:01Only if that's what you want as your last words.
49:06Wait, what?
49:16That's your show.
49:18Thank you so much for watching.
49:19Good night.
49:19Ooh.
49:20Hey Goddard, do I know you're right?
49:22Now, this is a whale of a tale.
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