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00:01Well, hello to you and a hearty Happy Christmas!
00:06Oh, I've missed you, thrilled to be reunited.
00:10Thank you for dressing up or down in some cases.
00:13And to those for undressing, I've flattered,
00:15but put them back on, please, it's weird.
00:18Right, catch-up time.
00:20Firstly, Gary, we've agreed just friends.
00:23No, it's the right thing to do
00:24and easier than our attempts at romance.
00:30Oh, oh, you okay? Yeah.
00:31Yeah? Just give us a minute.
00:52Now, Mum, she's on a mission to get me trim unfit.
00:58It's not working. Mini mince pie? Mine!
01:01But she did force me to her and Tilly's Zumba class.
01:06Next move!
01:08Oh, no, that's sexual. Sorry, I'm not doing that.
01:10And my partner!
01:12Oh, well, when in Rome.
01:15Flirt!
01:15Hi, I'm gymnastics level two.
01:21And now to reveal my big bulletin, not a euphemism.
01:25My lovely shop has gone under.
01:27I know.
01:28Well, we hit hard times and Stevie said
01:31I wasn't taking the business seriously.
01:32And you really thought maracas would sell?
01:38Please, for once, just focus.
01:40Now, if we sell...
01:42Celebrate sometimes!
01:43That thing's going to quit.
01:44I know, Stevie, wait!
01:46Biscuit Blizzard, yeah?
01:53So Stevie's got some executive job,
01:56but on a positive note,
01:57it's cake and sherry night tonight.
01:59Yes, I am 80,
02:01to celebrate my new job starting tomorrow.
02:04Admin assistant at your service.
02:09Cue titles.
02:24Santa Claus is coming to town.
02:28He sees you when you're sleeping.
02:31He knows when you're ill.
02:33Want to learn some marzipan and cake?
02:35Yes, madam.
02:35OK.
02:36OK.
02:37Oh!
02:38No, no, no, no, no.
02:39Much more gently than that.
02:40That's it.
02:40Just smooth it.
02:44Ooh!
02:45We're interrupting.
02:46Queen Kong, Gary,
02:47you are on the brink of a kiss.
02:50Toots brinculating.
02:51No!
02:52We're just friends.
02:53We are hanging.
02:54We are sorting it.
02:54We this, we that.
02:56Yeah, can you stop weeing?
02:59Oh, can you stop weeing?
03:01Because of the connotation.
03:03No.
03:04No.
03:05Can you stop weeing?
03:07So, where have you been?
03:09You're late for sherry under slice night.
03:11We've been trying some evening classes.
03:13We just did kendo.
03:14It's fun, yet, yet violent.
03:17Wee!
03:19It's quite moa.
03:21And then we did aqua French.
03:22And that was quite moa as well.
03:24It was, I love being single.
03:25It's brilliant.
03:26As professional executives,
03:28it's important we find our extracurricular activity.
03:31Yeah, it's all about the hobby-dobby-doo.
03:35Hobbying with our new best friend Tilly, are we?
03:37Oh, putting are we after a fact to be passive-aggressive, are we?
03:42Strutting like a rabid smurf, are we?
03:45Got a bit of marzipan on our cheek, have we?
03:48Getting the are we wrong and saying have we instead of are we, are we?
03:51I won.
03:54Oh, come here, you have got marzipan, actually.
03:57Are you feeling on the brink?
03:59Maybe a bit brinky, yeah.
04:01You must be brinkless, Gary.
04:03Sorry, no brinking.
04:04It's just you were cutely vulnerable.
04:07And you teaching was manly and dominant.
04:11On the brink!
04:13Oh, brinkle, brinkle, little star
04:16How I wonder what you are
04:19Miranda, darling, I've had another ghastly Christmas newsletter.
04:23And hello to you, Mum. Christmas cheer.
04:25Stop it, we're British sober and no-one's going to prison.
04:29Cheers.
04:30This one's from the Lumley Kendles.
04:33Baby Nelson said his first two words,
04:35Good shot.
04:38Tarquin is rowing to the Sudan
04:40to take them pate as part of his Duke of Edinburgh award.
04:44And Latoya lost three stone doing charity fun runs
04:48and marries a Duke in the spring so smug.
04:51Plus, Mrs Lumley Kendle thought I was 64.
04:55You are 64.
04:55I've just turned 52.
04:58Oh, for a newsletter like that,
05:00all I could say was Miranda's a fat temp.
05:03Hush!
05:06Right, dashing home ASAP.
05:09I've got an appointment with your father
05:10to exfoliate his...
05:14Right, here we go.
05:15That's delicious.
05:17A new report suggests that up to 65% of us
05:21could now be considered obese.
05:23How do people get like that?
05:25Oh, God, God.
05:26This is Michael Jaffer for Southern News.
05:37Was that me?
05:39Was I just at the end of an obesity report?
05:45Shocker!
05:46Like this, which he probably wants to scoff.
05:49Obese man can obese.
05:52No, I'm not obese.
05:54The camera was just panning away, wasn't it?
05:55Yeah, yeah, no, it's moving off.
05:56The camera was panning.
05:58That was weird.
05:59You, on the telly.
06:01Weird.
06:01Of all the people to get on the telly.
06:05Really weird.
06:07Yes, thank you.
06:10Right.
06:10We are, of course, gathered here tonight
06:13to toast ahoy and welcome aboard my hearty...
06:17Oh, I've gone sort of posh pirate.
06:19Two, my new job.
06:23Your new job?
06:24Your new job.
06:24Jobulous.
06:25And, of course, we say a bon voyage to the shop,
06:28which in such...
06:29Excuse me, what are you doing?
06:31I'm doing a speech.
06:31A sweepstake for when you'll be fired.
06:34I'm going ten past nine.
06:35I start at nine.
06:38Five past nine?
06:40Rude.
06:42You forget I am a slick chick.
06:52Isn't it full?
06:53Isn't it full?
06:55Okay.
06:55Hello?
06:57I've had relationships with less physical contact than this.
07:00So, you're holding my hand.
07:06Inappropriately close to someone else's teeth.
07:09Oh, egg breath.
07:17Okay, I can do this.
07:20Deep breath.
07:24Oh, my goodness.
07:32Hi, Molly.
07:34I've just got a very hot leg.
07:39Oh, yo.
07:49Sorry, I'm from the agency.
07:51Temp, not escort.
07:53Might be nine o'clock's here, big and busty.
07:55Looking at you, but not listening.
07:57Right, this is your area.
07:59Do you hear what I'm saying?
08:00Well, I do, yes, in that I'm not deaf.
08:02I'll get you a pass and a fob.
08:04Fob?
08:05Er, that's Sue.
08:06This is Emma.
08:07I'm Emma.
08:08Just one thing.
08:08What does the company actually do?
08:10We provide strategic planning and data support
08:12and recently created new media
08:13to blue-chip financial service companies
08:14across Hampshire and the Thames Valley.
08:16So the new media boss is coming in this morning?
08:18New boss?
08:19I mean, do you hear what I'm saying?
08:21Well, I hear you say, do you hear what I'm saying,
08:22but I don't really know what you're saying.
08:23I, like, totally hear what you're saying.
08:25But she only really said, do you hear what I'm saying?
08:29It's fine, you know, I'll catch the lingo.
08:31You know, you're just a bit younger.
08:33So what year were you born?
08:351991.
08:37Something just happened.
08:40No, you've got that wrong.
08:42Nice outfit, by the way.
08:44Thanks, dudes.
08:44Yeah, sure.
08:45The Longhurst Bailey one?
08:48What's the company?
08:49Longhurst Bailey.
08:51Longhurst Bailey.
08:53Longhurst Bailey.
08:56Yes, yes, certainly.
08:58I'll put you through.
08:59Just, um...
09:08Longhurst Bailey.
09:13Sorry, yes, hello.
09:15Won't keep you long.
09:16Please hold your call as important to us.
09:18Please hold.
09:19Do you want to play biscuit, Blizzard?
09:22I'm so serious.
09:23Where are the locks?
09:25Oh, I miss Stevie in the shop.
09:28The drawing pins have been laid.
09:30It's time for Hopper Roulette.
09:32Gladiators, mount your hoppers.
09:34Go!
09:43I don't need to have to pick it up and say a rude word.
09:48Spasm.
09:50Right, listen up.
09:53Sheath!
09:58New boss.
10:00Right, guys, I want to get a feel for how we all tick.
10:03All right, let's go around the room.
10:05Names, hobbies, top strength.
10:07You, top strength, go!
10:11I'll start one.
10:14Height!
10:16You, go.
10:17Susan Perp.
10:18Call me Sue.
10:20Sue Perp?
10:21Yes.
10:21Sue Perp?
10:23How is that not funny?
10:25Nothing from anyone.
10:27She's called Sue Perp.
10:29What?
10:30What?
10:31Right, OK, that...
10:33Is it?
10:33I cannot work with people who don't find that properly funny.
10:38Have you ever walked past this meeting room
10:40and flashed during an important meeting?
10:43If not, why not?
10:45Youth.
10:46It's for at least the odd lark,
10:47which is why I am determined
10:49to get my beautiful shot back.
11:02Funny.
11:03Fact.
11:07You're taking the shop off the market.
11:09Brilliant.
11:09Oh, we should celebrate.
11:10As friends, obviously.
11:12Movie and takeaway?
11:13Void of brink.
11:14Tonight, yeah?
11:15Definitely.
11:15Uh, what are you doing tonight?
11:17I thought it was Miranda and Stevie's meet at six
11:19for Chicks, Flicks, Pick and Mix and Bix fix.
11:21No.
11:22No, I'm going to celebrate, trying to get the shop back.
11:24Oh, Stevie, will you come back?
11:26Stevie's an executive now.
11:27Oh, is Stevie?
11:28Yes, Stevie is.
11:29She manages the retail appointments at a recruitment...
11:31Oh, it was just white noise.
11:39Part of a televisual obese campaign.
11:43It was panning.
11:44Right, Christmas is confiscated
11:47until you've detoxed and lost weight
11:49for the Lumley Kendall's cashmere sweater-themed
11:52Christingle Pringle Mingle.
11:54Oh, your father's made some Michael Bublé baubles.
11:59Sonny, what?
12:02Well, she wouldn't confiscate Christmas, would she?
12:05I mean, all the food and the prezzies
12:07and the food and the music
12:09and the food and the food
12:11and the fires
12:13and the food
12:14and the food
12:16and the food
12:18You should detox.
12:19You're obsessed with food.
12:21I am not detoxing.
12:23You have to eat things called pearl barley
12:25and you know my rule.
12:26I will not eat something
12:27that sounds like a character
12:27in Coronation Street.
12:30Those are great, healthy things out there.
12:32Oh, I could make you a sugar-free beetroot cake.
12:40A sugar-free beetroot cake.
12:43What next?
12:43A pea and ham sponge?
12:46I'm out of here
12:47because I've got to make an appointment
12:48with a business manager.
12:49Do you hear what I'm saying?
12:56Trey, I meant to.
12:57I meant to go out like that.
13:00Like a little pony doing dressage.
13:07A five, six, seven, eight
13:09Rockin' it round
13:11Christmas tree and Christmas
13:13I am
13:16There is no other way
13:18If you can't stop
13:19Every time has to start
13:23I'm just so bored of the shop accounts
13:25Right, well listen, don't tell your mum
13:27But pizza, popcorn, horror film
13:29Anti-romance
13:32Oh, that smells good
13:34You
13:35Okay, thanks
13:52Sorry
13:52Have you not got popcorn everywhere?
13:55Sorry, the husks travel
13:57Husks, that's an excellent word, isn't it?
14:01Husks
14:09Husks
14:12I don't want to watch but I can't not watch
14:14It's like Boris Johnson
14:19Oh no
14:21Electricity bill
14:25You've got that look on your face
14:27What?
14:28I was just thinking about the girl in the film
14:30She's quite cute
14:31I don't
14:32I really
14:33Oh well
14:33You know, if you like that kind of spindly button nose
14:36Kind of
14:37You could use her as a toothpick kind of thing
14:39Then fine
14:39Chuck her down
14:40She might be in Hong Kong
14:41You could marry her
14:42I knew it
14:43I knew you hadn't forgiven me
14:44I'm married to Tamara
14:46For a green card
14:47Green card, yeah, yeah
14:49They're coming to get us
14:50Put the pizza down
14:53I smell fat people
14:58I have an appointment with Miranda at nine
15:03Yes, that's me
15:03Good morning
15:04Good morning
15:05Shall we?
15:14My name is Dick Twist
15:19Dick Twist?
15:21Why not?
15:22I received your application for a loan
15:24So let's go over your particulars
15:26Cheeky
15:28Right
15:29Now, your application is not what we'd normally expect
15:32For starters
15:33Time at current address
15:3511.30
15:37That was the time
15:40What's your collateral?
15:41Oh, it's really high, I'm afraid
15:43I try and stay off cream
15:45Yes, I think until you get a manager
15:47With a clear business plan
15:48To assess all your
15:49No, no, wait
15:49Mr Twist
15:50I do have an idea
15:51That will be really profitable
15:53If I can just get my maracas out
15:56Not that
15:57Yes, I was going to say
15:58I don't think that will be very profitable at all
16:01Right, well
16:03If Zumba is such a craze
16:05Yes
16:05What about
16:07Maraca class?
16:10Yes
16:11Look at that
16:12Ooh
16:12It's saucy
16:13Under the loaf
16:14Under the loaf
16:15Look at that
16:16Let's try it with music
16:19Ooh
16:21Yeah
16:22I am a one-woman fiesta
16:25Imagine me with a Brazilian
16:28Forget I said that
16:31Any minute now
16:32I think you'll think
16:33Yep
16:33This is an idea
16:36Oh
16:43Was that Ross Kemp?
16:45LAUGHTER
16:48Oh
16:49They're repossessing the shop
16:50On Friday
16:51I've defaulted my mortgage payments
16:54That is the final straw
16:55You are an obese destitute
16:57It was canon
16:59Obese destitute
17:00Can't write that in my newsletter
17:02Can I?
17:03Now
17:03You look here
17:04Mummy will save the shop
17:06Manage the business
17:07If you come to eat as anonymous
17:08Even the notion
17:10Right
17:10No Christmas
17:11Fine
17:12I do not want to hang with you and Dad
17:14For two days
17:14Being subjected to Dad's yearly
17:16One-man performance
17:17Of the 12 days of Christmas
17:19No-one should have to see
17:20His maids are milking
17:22Darling
17:22What about his five gold rings?
17:24They are worse
17:27You can play with your father's present
17:29I got him an iPad
17:31Pad
17:32iPad
17:33Why is it so irritating when they get it wrong?
17:36Stevie, Stevie, Stevie
17:37I really need your help now
17:38It's serious
17:39You made it very clear
17:40Your friendship allegiance is with Gary
17:42I want nothing to do with her
17:43Friends forgive each other
17:44Oh
17:45Bear with
17:46Bear with
17:47Bear with
17:48Bear with
17:49Bear with
17:50Stinky Scissors
17:51A woman doing Bonsai
17:53That's Bonsai with aggressive bushes
17:54Hurry
17:57To get a place
17:58Oh, this is it
17:59This is me
18:00Me too
18:01This could be my thing
18:03Oh, fine
18:04You go off and aggressively trim your bush
18:06And I've got a new business associate
18:10Introducing
18:11Penny
18:12In your Bonsai faces
18:14Nice
18:17Tricks
18:17I meant to
18:18I meant to go out like this
18:30I am only doing this
18:32If you come to eat as anonymous
18:34Yes, Mummy
18:35Well, it would be such fun
18:37You're all very jolly, aren't you
18:39You
18:41People
18:47Thank you so much for coming back
18:49Now, may I introduce you to my mother and business manager, Penny
18:53Dick Twist
18:53I'm sorry
18:55Dick Twist
18:56What's he saying?
18:57That's his name
18:58Dick Twist
18:58Dick Twist
19:00Dick Twist
19:01Dick Twist
19:02Dick Twist
19:02Dick Twist
19:03Husk
19:08I am so sorry about earlier
19:11As long as you don't get your maracas out again
19:12Oh, Miranda
19:13I am so sorry
19:15No one needs to see the Marauders, as we call them
19:19They move independently
19:21She has the nipple equivalent of a lazy eye
19:27Right
19:27Do you now have a business model so I can consider this low?
19:30I most certainly am a model, Miss Godalming 1968
19:34Gave it up to have children
19:36So that was worthwhile
19:38Can you project for me profit and loss?
19:41Profit and loss
19:45She's as incompetent as you are
19:48Wait, please, Mr Twist
19:49What are my options?
19:51Well, have you considered getting a partner?
19:52Oh, we have tried and tried, Dick
19:56If you'll pardon the vernacular
19:57She couldn't attract a partner if you shoved a giant magnet down her blouse and sat her next to a
20:02man made of iron filings
20:05Well, unless you find a manager with a coherent business plan within the next 36 hours
20:10The bailiffs will repossess
20:14Oh, parents, you're going to be repossessed
20:17You'd be a disaster in prison
20:19And by that I mean very popular
20:22I know
20:23We'll advertise on the interweb for a new manager
20:26We've just got time before Eaters Anonymous
20:29What's this?
20:30Chat with lonely oil rig workers
20:34That's a spam
20:37Hi
20:38Just a couple of notices pre the weighing
20:41Firstly, I've got a very heavy jean on
20:44Secondly, my breasts are quite heavy
20:47I know that because I once weighed them to see how much they cost to post
20:50Just a step on, please
20:52Also, could we factor in that at least 10% will be wind?
20:58Make that 7.5%
21:017% caught me unawares
21:03Get on
21:04Yes
21:07I could be a jockey
21:08Only if I had a massive horse
21:12Gather, gather, please
21:14That's it
21:15Gather, please
21:16Now today, I want to focus on a scenario to help you through this difficult Christmas period
21:21So, which section, to the left or the right, looks the most delicious?
21:29To the left
21:30No, try again
21:31To the left
21:32To the left, to the left, Beyonce
21:34You must not know about me
21:36You must not know about me
21:38Sorry
21:39I think we're always going to say
21:40To the left, to the left
21:42Tell you for why it's got pies on it
21:44High five me man boobs
21:45Bang
21:46So now it's time for one of my mantras
21:49If you ever feel like a cake
21:52Stop yourself
21:53Have a carrot
21:58Are you out of your tiny mind?
22:00Sorry, still a bit Beyonce
22:01Pipe down
22:02Look, I am just trying to help you help yourself
22:05So what?
22:06Help yourself
22:07Thank you very much, Esther
22:09No, not to the buffet
22:10Sit down
22:12Jurassic Park in leggings
22:14Get back
22:18Stevie
22:18What are you doing here?
22:20Running away from mum
22:21You
22:21Running away from Tilly
22:23Aw
22:24Miss you
22:26Listen
22:27I've advertised for a new shop manager
22:29Are you really happy in your job?
22:31Yes
22:31Because it's so important to be in fun, dynamic work with colleagues who are tall, beautiful,
22:36Hilaire, a bit model-like, who could I be talking about?
22:43We need partners for Banzai
22:45That's the fatty
22:49Oh, you look ridiculous
22:51I have to hold them when running
22:53Quick!
22:59Sometimes in our lives
23:01We all have pain
23:03We all have sorrows
23:07But if we are once
23:10We know the best
23:13Always tomorrow
23:16Lean on me
23:18When you're not strong
23:20I'll be your friend
23:23I'll help you
23:25Carry on
23:28That's so my thing
23:29I thought my activity was not me
23:31It was so you
23:32Maybe it's me
23:34Somebody turn the nun
23:37So not me
23:39Stevie
23:40I can see the reporter
23:42I'm gonna...
23:43Right
23:50Mr News reporter
23:52Sorry to bother you
23:53I've got a really important question about your obesity report
23:55You see, I was in it at the end
23:57Does that mean that I was part of it?
23:59Oh, poor you
23:59No, no, no
24:00We wouldn't do that
24:00No, we were panning across
24:01No, I mean, you're...
24:03You're...
24:03Oh, gosh, really, thanks
24:06Stop it, really?
24:07Stop it
24:08Lovely, really?
24:09Stop it
24:09Really?
24:10Stop it
24:11Really?
24:12Stop it
24:12Lovely, really?
24:13Stop it
24:15Stop it
24:18Stevie!
24:19He was panning
24:28No, Stevie hasn't replied
24:30Well, at least we're friends
24:31I'm meeting her for a coffee after this
24:32We have one applicant
24:33Patricia Nelson
24:35And her CV says
24:37I am the one and only
24:39No other I'd rather be
24:42Good luck
24:44Good morning
24:45I'm Patricia Nelson
24:46I have an interview at 10
24:48Good morning
24:50Patricia Nelson
24:51Patricia Nelson
24:52Good morning
24:53Good morning
24:53Patricia Nelson
24:55Would you take a seat, please?
24:57Kind regards
24:58So
24:59Patricia Nelson
25:00Patricia Nelson
25:01Thank you
25:02Thank you
25:03And kind regards
25:04Well, I just have one key question, really
25:06For you, Patricia Nelson
25:08What two main skills do you think I'm looking for?
25:11Please thank you
25:11Do you, please?
25:12Well, one, I can fall off a very high stool without injuring myself
25:17And, B, I do a surprisingly effective Heather Small impression
25:23Most excellent
25:24Well, Patricia Nelson, I am so sorry to cut this so short
25:26But I'm actually meeting a friend for a coffee
25:28Oh, I, Patricia Nelson, am also
25:30Isn't that weird?
25:32I look forward to hearing from you
25:34Kind regards
25:34Kind regards and best wishes, thanks forward to you
25:40Oh, hi, Stevie
25:42Oh, hi
25:43Hi there
25:43So, what's new?
25:45Oh, I've just come from a job interview
25:47Have you?
25:48How did that go?
25:49Well, she seemed all right
25:50It was a she interviewing
25:52Although hard to tell initially
25:54Big hands
25:55How goes it with you?
25:57I'm actually interviewing for the new shop manager
25:59Yeah, I just saw a tiny woman
26:01I thought she was coming round for her brownie badge
26:05Well, I think my interviewer might have been wearing an elasticated maternity jean
26:10I would have thought that very unlikely
26:13They're so comfortable
26:17Well, will you just excuse me, actually?
26:18Because I've just got to ring my Jimmy Cranky-esque interviewees
26:22So, er...
26:25Isn't that weird?
26:26Do excuse me
26:27Yes, of course
26:29Hello
26:29Hello
26:30Is that Patricia Nelson?
26:31Patricia Nelson speaking
26:33Hello, Patricia Nelson
26:34Just to say you got the job
26:37Miranda
26:38It was me
26:41Well, yes, I know
26:44But when did you guess?
26:46The minute you came in, you idiot
26:49Right, come on
26:50Let's get our shop back
26:51You've got to ring and make an appointment with Dick Twist immediately
26:54Go!
26:57Sounds exciting
26:58Yes
26:58And listen, you were right, OK?
27:00I hadn't forgiven you
27:01So, here is me letting go
27:03I'm sorry
27:04And I'm sorry that I never said
27:06No, it's OK
27:07Friends?
27:09We've got Dick Twist's last appointment!
27:11Emergency walk
27:12Long way up, short way down, go!
27:19I think it's time
27:20What have you done today to make you feel proud?
27:25Got our shop back
27:28Step to the left
27:30Step to the right
27:34Superb, superb
27:35And twist
27:38Twist it
27:39Dick twist
27:41Fully
27:45Now let's celebrate good times
27:47Come on!
27:50Do listen to the end of my newsletter
27:53And finally to Miranda
27:55Who has resurrected a boutique
27:57In difficult economic times
27:59She is the creator of the latest fitness craze
28:02And the dashing news reporter said she was lovely
28:06Not obese
28:08Happy Christmas
28:11So, will government provision help these geriatric, frail unfortunates
28:16At the end of their lives to keep warm this winter?
28:19This is Michael Jackford with the elderly and infern
28:32It was panning
28:35She's not old, it was panning
28:40Happy Christmas
28:43Happy Christmas!
28:46Oh, I know I know A young Christmas
28:53But what I'm watching for?
28:55We are all love
28:56To learn
28:58Happy Christmas
28:59happy Christmas
29:00Why we are all sensitive and
29:02No love for the proper
29:04We and a man
29:05We all need somebody
29:08To lean on
29:11I just might have a problem
29:14To understand
29:16We all need somebody
29:19To lean on
29:21Just call me
29:23Call me
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