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00:00MUSIC
00:19Thank you, everybody. Hello and happy Christmas
00:22and welcome to a show which is about television.
00:25In a year when television has never been more important,
00:29we couldn't go to the pub or to the cinema or to a wedding,
00:33but we could gather round this wafer-thin panel of light and noise.
00:38It's been our comfort blanket, our laughter track
00:41and a constant reminder about how life is supposed to be.
00:46It's even had the waxy face David Williams on it just now, in fact,
00:50looking as usual like a glazed Boxing Day ham.
00:54Oh, and talking of tomorrow, Piers Morgan is on
00:57who wants to be a millionaire making a complete arse of himself.
01:01LAUGHTER
01:03Anyway, sorry, back to the autocue.
01:06I know that a lot of people claim they spent lockdown learning
01:10to play the violin and making sourdough with the children,
01:13but I didn't, I just watched a lot of telly, scouring the bowels
01:17of Amazon and Netflix and Skyatlantic sponsored by World War
01:21to find new things to keep me amused.
01:23At one point, I was obsessed with a subtitle soap opera
01:26set in a post-war Swedish restaurant.
01:29I binge-watched a show about an orphan girl
01:31who ate a lot of tranquilizers and then played chess.
01:34And on one lonely Tuesday morning, I even watched a documentary
01:38called The Great British Urine Test,
01:41which wasn't what I thought it was going to be.
01:44I'm Dr Christian Jessen and I believe our urine could be liquid gold
01:48when it comes to picking up problems with our health.
01:51LAUGHTER
01:54What they did was stop shoppers, make them pee into a cup
01:58and then tell them what was wrong with them.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:01So people went out for some washing-up liquid
02:04and came home with cancer.
02:06LAUGHTER
02:08Which, if you think about it, was actually a very useful service.
02:11And television didn't just check the health of the nation,
02:14it also kept us up to speed on the complex issues of the day.
02:19Race, for example.
02:20David, I think it is perhaps appropriate tonight
02:22that we just pause to mark Black History Month, most of all,
02:27and we discussed it today and we thought it was actually right
02:31that we acknowledge that properly
02:33and there's nobody better placed on our team
02:35to do that than Steve Bunce.
02:37So over to you for a moment, Steve.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:40Thanks so much indeed for now.
02:42APPLAUSE
02:42It's like ringing Greta Thunberg for advice on motorbikes.
02:47LAUGHTER
02:47But the breakout star of the year wasn't Steve.
02:50It was the talking turtle
02:52who delivered what looked like a double chemistry lecture
02:55every afternoon.
02:56Next slide, please.
02:58LAUGHTER
02:59Looking at individual hospitals, NHS hospitals,
03:03these are some hospitals, these are the hospitals
03:05with more than 100 Covid inpatients in them.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10Has he stopped?
03:11LAUGHTER
03:11His graphs were always very confusing,
03:14but luckily we had Home Secretary Priti Patel
03:17on hand to clear things up for us.
03:20As of 9am today, there have been 300,034,974,000 tests carried out
03:29across the UK, excluding Northern Ireland.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:32Mercifully, Italian politicians are a lot easier to understand.
03:37When the governor of a region called Campania
03:40cancelled all Halloween celebrations, there was an outcry.
03:43So he went on television to explain his actions
03:46and he certainly didn't mince his words.
03:48Halloween is this immense idiot,
03:52this immense,
03:56stupid American...
03:58LAUGHTER
04:01God, I love him.
04:02One of the annoying things that happened this year
04:05was that news programmes stopped telling us what was going on
04:08and chose instead to ask complete strangers in the street
04:11how they were coping.
04:13Sorry to bother you.
04:14Can we just ask you how happy you're feeling right now?
04:17I'm bloody miserable, actually.
04:18Pubs are killed.
04:19What do you expect?
04:20LAUGHTER
04:22That's not the news, that's just a man who's crossed
04:25cos the pubs are shut.
04:26And things got even worse when people started wearing face masks
04:30because then we couldn't even understand the words they were using.
04:34But as I say, I've only popped out to get some stuff
04:36from my palmers on the night for my tea
04:38cos I've got no better than my sauce, I don't know how to make it.
04:41So I'm just going to nip out, see if I get some,
04:42but I won't be staying out long, pal, to be fair.
04:44I'm going to go out, get my knee and go home, mate.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:50With an earwig stuck to it.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:53Some of the drama we've seen this year has been just sublime.
04:58We had White House Farm, we had that Nicole Kidman
05:01and Hugh Grant thing, which was about a man who we thought
05:04had committed a murder, and it turned out after six weeks
05:07that he had.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:09Sorry, you probably haven't seen that and I've just spoilt it for you,
05:11but...
05:12No, I'm not sorry.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:14Then there was Quiz, which was about a man who we thought
05:17had cheated on, who wants to be a millionaire, and he had.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21And then we had The Crown.
05:22It must be said that many people had an issue with The Crown,
05:25claiming that it was hurtfully and willfully inaccurate.
05:29And I think I know what they were on about.
05:32Um, OK, the Mini Metro here, being driven by Diana,
05:37is on a W plate, meaning it was registered in 1980 or 1981,
05:43but it didn't come on those wheels until 1984.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:51And that was just the tip of the iceberg, OK?
05:54This scene here, that was set in 1981,
05:57but that's a facelifted Mark II Cavalier.
06:01And you don't need me to tell you that didn't arrive until 1984.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06I think, though, the most upsetting moment,
06:09centred around Charles and Diana,
06:11specifically their visit to Australia in 1983.
06:15Because that's a Jaguar XJ40 in the background.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19And that came out in 1986.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23I think probably the best drama I saw all year was Des.
06:27David Tennant was just brilliant,
06:29playing the part of serial killer Dennis Nielsen,
06:31who'd hidden various bodies around his properties in London.
06:34I particularly like this scene,
06:37where he reminded us that, under interrogation,
06:39every master criminal always makes one tiny mistake
06:43that even the stupidest policeman is going to notice.
06:48In the car, you said that there was more?
06:50I must advise my client.
06:52195 Melrose Avenue, N2.
06:54There, you'll find the remains of 12 or 13 people
06:56dating back to 1978.
07:00Oh, no, I said that out loud, didn't I?
07:02I meant no comment.
07:03LAUGHTER
07:04Another great drama was Billions on Sky Atlantis,
07:08sponsored by Walru,
07:08in which Damien Lewis goes around
07:11deploying his perfect American accent,
07:13and we learn that Paul Giamatti
07:15can't actually handle a Pinot Noir at all.
07:18Mm-hm.
07:19And, of course, this one's worth a fuck of a lot more than 40.
07:21Yeah.
07:22Which is why I only hang replicas.
07:24Smart.
07:24Oh, I'd do the same, since I'm all elbows.
07:27Oh!
07:28Fuck!
07:29A great scene from a great series,
07:31but what fascinates me most about the show
07:34is that no-one on it does small talk.
07:37No-one ever finishes a conversation by saying,
07:39see you soon, love to the kids, they just walk off.
07:43Sure, Chuck.
07:45That I do.
07:54I believe that you believe that, Chuck.
08:05Keep your eye on the sparrow, you know?
08:14Tomorrow.
08:15First thing in the office.
08:16After, I have Union Square Cafe ferry over some very special room service to her hotel.
08:29It's hilarious.
08:31And they all do it always.
08:32And I think I know where they got the idea from.
08:37Countryfile.
08:40Although, on Countryfile, the stars don't walk away from each other.
08:43They walk away from us.
08:46And it's hard to imagine an animal more suited to life in these uplands than the magnificent Welsh Black.
08:54But this nocturnal animal is under threat and needs all the help it can get.
09:00But it's not just us crits that love a good apple.
09:04But will Adam fare better at Exeter or online?
09:08It may not be nice, but it is legal.
09:16What's he talking about?
09:18Sounds like the sort of thing a man says to his wife on his birthday.
09:29It's not just walking off, though.
09:30Sometimes, they get quite creative.
09:33Bye!
09:34Bye!
09:41I'm afraid to say that Matt continued to roll down that hill until he went under a fence
09:46and onto the A34.
09:49Anyway, it's now time to take a break.
09:54So, we'll...
09:55Oh, no, we've done that wrong.
09:56It's more complicated than it looks, this walking off at the end.
09:59Wait, wait, wait.
10:02Anyway, it's now time to take a break.
10:05We shall see you again in a minute.
10:12APPLAUSE
10:17Welcome back.
10:18Now, in 2020, we spent a lot of time trapped indoors.
10:23Some wishing they were with someone, others wishing they were with someone else.
10:27Which is probably why there's a renewed interest in dating shows.
10:31Now, when I was growing up, dating shows were three shop assistants, a helpful reminder from our Graham,
10:37and Scylla going,
10:38ooooh, at anyone who had any form of qualification.
10:43Now, though, we've got this radical new idea from Netflix.
10:47I've met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've never seen her before.
10:53Here, you will choose someone to marry.
10:55Hello.
10:56Nice to hear from you.
10:57Can't say see ya without ever seeing her.
11:00It's called Love is Blind, and here's the idea.
11:04Couples spend ten days rotating in and out of boxes like Randy Pigeons,
11:09talking to but not seeing one another.
11:12So they don't know, for example, if the guy on the other side of the wall has hair all over
11:18his face.
11:19And then, this happens.
11:26Finally.
11:34So there we are.
11:35He did have hair all over his face, and it was ginger.
11:40But, despite this, Damien and Giannina, for that is their names,
11:45went on to a ceremony in front of their friends and relations and a vicar to actually get married.
11:52Do you take Giannina, m'lady, Jebele, to be your lawful wedded wife?
12:07Do you not?
12:12Do you not?
12:15How devastating that must be for the poor girl.
12:18Rejected at the altar.
12:20But don't worry about Giannina too much, because she had her mum on hand to offer some warm words of
12:27reassurance.
12:28Though, by warm words of reassurance, what I actually mean is cold cowpat of reality.
12:38Everything is shit.
12:41Sounds like a Morrissey album.
12:44Funny thing is, though, that of the 30 couples who took part in that show, two really did get married.
12:50And next year they'll be appearing in a new show called Make Your Divorce Lawyer Rich.
12:56The Germans have a much simpler approach to dating and choosing a life partner, as they demonstrated with this exciting
13:04new show.
13:06Zwei Männer, sieben Milfs, sieben Missis und die eine große Frage, hier bei Milf oder Missi.
13:24I'm not sure you need to speak German to know what that means.
13:30But to make sure I went online and after four hours of vigorous research, I discovered that Milf in German
13:37means exactly the same as it does in English.
13:41Probably the most outlandish new dating show is Labour of Love, which is hosted by the Sex and the City
13:48actress you can't remember.
13:49The one who isn't Sarah Jessica Parker or Kim Cottrell or the ginger one.
13:53Anyway, there's this one woman, OK, and then there are 15 men.
13:57And the winner of the 15 men gets to have a baby with the woman.
14:02Not sex, an actual baby.
14:04So they all meet up in a house with plastic pillars ready for what they thought would be an informal
14:11meet-and-greet.
14:12Part of this process is figuring out if you're all fit enough to be fathers.
14:17I mean that in the most literal sense possible.
14:20Waiters, please come in.
14:22Y'all are ruthless. Oh, my goodness.
14:25Yo.
14:28Since there's no way to make this less awkward,
14:32I suggest we just get right to the task.
14:36Oh, no, no.
14:38Nothing says love more than 15 men in a car park
14:42pleasuring themselves in the back of an articulated lorry.
14:46I wonder what our Italian friend would make of this show.
14:50Stupida Americana.
14:52They've even got a show in America now
14:55for American people who want to marry foreigners that they've met online.
14:59Snappily, it's called 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days.
15:05And my favourite episode is the one with the girl from the Philippines
15:08and a man who, for some reason, is called Big Ed.
15:12I'm getting ready to get on a plane and go meet Rose, the love of my life, for the very
15:17first time.
15:18Now, I know what you're thinking.
15:19Two things, actually.
15:20Had she seen a photograph of him before she invited him to come over?
15:25And how does Big Ed keep his hair so silky smooth?
15:30Well, here he is, divulging the secrets of his grooming regime.
15:35So I have been dyeing my hair and it irritates my scalp.
15:41So I found out that mayonnaise makes it smoother and less dry.
15:48I know what you're thinking again.
15:51How did you find that out, Ed?
15:54And what is the poor girl going to think when you get off the plane smelling like an out-of
15:59-date egg sandwich?
16:02Well, let's find out.
16:03I want to make sure that she really likes me.
16:06That you...
16:09Mmm.
16:12The most enthusiastic welcome, but Big Ed was undeterred.
16:17And with a heart full of love and a head full of Hellmans,
16:21he set about winning her over with some of his smoothest lines.
16:26I like the view.
16:28You do?
16:28Yes.
16:30You're my best view.
16:32Meh.
16:34Now, I don't speak Filipino, but I'm fairly confident,
16:39doesn't mean, mmm, I'm aroused.
16:42Actually, I'm certain it doesn't, because after a couple of days,
16:46Big Ed went to her hotel room to find out she'd checked out.
16:50Don't want to say checked out, I mean fled.
16:53She was desperate to go to America, but not that desperate.
16:58Because travel has been so difficult this year, there weren't many travel shows to amuse us.
17:03Which is why it was disappointing to find that Paul Hollywood and my mate James May both decided to go
17:10to the same place, Japan.
17:11But still you're thinking, it's a big country, 100 million people, lots of stories to go around.
17:18Paul certainly would have thought he had an exclusive with this, going for a spin through the city streets on
17:24a go-kart whilst dressed as a cartoon character.
17:37Now that was a bit embarrassing, but then Paul found a street food store hidden away in the back streets
17:44of Osaka.
17:46Outside of Japan, the most famous type of Wagyu is Kobe beef.
17:50And how much is that piece?
17:5210,000 yen.
17:54What, 70 quid? Ooh, 70 quid on street food.
17:58So what are the chances in a country where there are hundreds of thousands of food stalls of James finding
18:04the exact same one?
18:07And just down the street, you can certainly do that.
18:11God, look at the price of that!
18:13Oh, my God!
18:15It's so good!
18:1770 English pounds.
18:21Unfortunately, that wasn't where the similarities ended.
18:25But I've decided to enjoy one of Japan's iconic bullet trains.
18:29As he finally rides a bullet train.
18:32.
18:44Tequila!
18:46I'm talking of places that have been done to death.
18:49Yorkshire.
18:50In the last 12 months, on Channel 5 alone, we have had the following.
18:56Our Yorkshire Farm, The Yorkshire Vet, The Yorkshire Steam Railway.
19:00The Yorkshire Vet, The Peter Wright Story.
19:03A year on the Yorkshire Steam Railways.
19:06Yorkshire Tea versus PG Tips.
19:08Battle of the Brews.
19:09And Lancashire, The Yorkshire of the West.
19:13Actually, I made that last one up just to annoy people in Lancashire, but the other ones are real.
19:17In fact, the only one thing that Channel 5 likes more than the Yorkshire is the royal family.
19:24Again, in the last 12 months alone, while I was watching Damien Lewis walking out of rooms without saying goodbye,
19:30we have had...
19:31I've got a list here, okay?
19:34The royals on holiday.
19:36The royals, a family in crisis.
19:38Royals in wartime.
19:40The tabloids and the royals.
19:42King George VI, the accidental king.
19:44Queen Mary, how she saved the royals.
19:47All the Queen's horses.
19:49The Queen and Charles, mother and son.
19:51The Queen's speeches in triumph from tragedy.
19:54The Queen, inside the crown.
19:56The Queen, duty before family.
19:59The Queen, in her own words.
20:01The Queen versus number 10, behind closed doors.
20:04Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II, Britain's golden queens.
20:08Elizabeth and Margaret, love and loyalty.
20:12Princess Margaret, rebel without a crown.
20:14Philip, the king without a crown.
20:16And the daughter who should be queen.
20:18Fergie and Andrew, the duke and duchess of disaster.
20:21Fergie versus Diana, royal wives at war.
20:25William and Kate, too good to be true.
20:27Prince Harry, the troubled prince.
20:29Meghan and Harry, the new revelations.
20:31Harry and Meghan, two troubled years.
20:33Edward and Sophie, the reluctant royals.
20:36Beatrice and Eugenie, pampered princesses.
20:38Charles and Camilla, king and queen, in waiting.
20:42Seriously, 12 months.
20:43All that.
20:44On Channel 5.
20:48Thing is though, it's given me an idea, actually a bit of a tip for Channel 5.
20:51Next year, why not make some shows that combine Yorkshire and the royals?
20:55Imagine that.
20:56The queen in the Yorkshire Dales.
20:58The Duke of York, in York.
21:02Prince Edward, live at Leeds.
21:06Prince Andrew and Fergie, to Hollenbeck.
21:10In Princess Anne's scimitar.
21:14Princess Margaret, the Yorkshire pudding.
21:19What about this?
21:20The Yorkshire Royals with Paul Hollywood.
21:23And then, a couple of weeks later, the Yorkshire Royals with James May.
21:28And now, we are going to take a break, while I pleasure myself in the back of a lorry.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:45Welcome back.
21:47Now, happily, there have been plenty of shows this year teaching us about all the things we can do with
21:51all the spare time we've had.
21:53Gwyneth Paltrow, for example, has an extraordinary programme called The Goop Lab.
21:58And in it, she taught us how to touch ourselves...
22:03Out there.
22:05Got a good strong PC muscle, kid.
22:09OK, it's all the way in.
22:10All the way in?
22:12Mm-hm. Oh, good.
22:13You're working the pelvic floor muscle.
22:16Breathing, rocking, squeezing.
22:19That's it.
22:21Thing is, you can't play with yourself all the time, I've discovered.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:28I mean, look what it's done to Gwyneth.
22:30LAUGHTER
22:31And that's why she had some other suggestions, such as, trying magic mushrooms.
22:37Yeah.
22:37I was on the way there again, to the light source.
22:41Yeah.
22:42Oh, fuck.
22:45You know, I got that emotional when I found my local pub had closed.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49Anyway, those are Gwyneth's half-baked ideas about what you should do in your spare time.
22:54While here in Britain, Kirsty Allsop was on hand to give us her suggestions.
22:59On this sunny Tuesday, we are going to make tin can pets.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:05Pretty handmade tin can animals.
23:09What a fantastic way of filling your recycling bin.
23:13Now, a great many stupid people have been captivated all year with a glamorous new TV show
23:19that follows the fortunes of a Los Angeles-based estate agent's office and its staff.
23:25The Oppenheim Group is getting more listings, homes are bigger, the land is bigger, and the commission is bigger.
23:32I just closed on the $44 million house.
23:35Hmm, I wonder what the estate agent's hiring policy is.
23:39LAUGHTER
23:40Not the same as country files, that's for sure.
23:44It's not the Stepford Wives, but it's certainly on the Stepford borders and within walking distance of the attractive Stepford
23:50High Street.
23:51But these poor girls do have their work cut out.
23:54I mean, when an estate agent in Britain wants to sell a property, they just spray a bit of Febreze
23:59around there.
24:00But over there, they've got to be a lot more creative.
24:04I'm really excited for this broker's open. I'm doing a Twilight event, and it's going to be burgers and Botox.
24:10Is that for me now?
24:12Is it Botox any time, or is it like...
24:14I don't know. Let's find out.
24:15So feel free to get some Botox. In the meantime, I want to show you guys around the house.
24:20The guests were delighted with their Botox, or appalled, or surprised. It's impossible to tell.
24:27Stupida Americana.
24:28Exactly.
24:30Makeover shows are different in America, too. This is their latest idea, which is very...
24:37...novel.
24:38There's still the aura. There's something here.
24:41This is where the bodies were buried.
24:43There. There was seven bodies total.
24:46Oh, wow. Murder and makeover don't usually go together.
24:50But this isn't just about design.
24:53We need to give this place new life and energy.
24:56Yes, that's right. They makeover houses where murders have taken place.
25:01Well, look on the bright side. If you've got bodies in the garden, it's something for the dog.
25:08In this clip, though, they find a disturbing discovery under the bath.
25:12As the crew was ripping up the old flooring in the bathroom, we found the little extra material that we
25:19don't normally use in construction.
25:21Somebody's blood is there.
25:22We cleaned that bathroom up with every single cleaning product offered on the market.
25:29Mm, mm. Well done.
25:31But it still doesn't change the fact that a murder happened there.
25:38Stupida Americana.
25:39And so let's move on to a nice old British man proudly showing us around a property that he's renovated.
25:4620 years ago, this complete building was up for sale.
25:51I bought it.
25:53I've probably spent one and a half million on it.
25:55We try and have equipment that people don't have at home.
26:01This might be a point difficult to explain to the family.
26:04The lady would be lying, mm, just with her legs.
26:08Sort of resting gently and just relaxing.
26:13Actually, that isn't about property.
26:15It's a show called Swingers and trust me, that wasn't a swing.
26:20I'll tell you one thing, though.
26:21The people that go there, well, you've seen Eyes Wide Shut, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise.
26:28Not like that.
26:30So you're from Norwich?
26:31Norfolk, where?
26:32Yes, that's where my sisters live in Norfolk.
26:34Do you go up sometimes?
26:35No, because we don't talk.
26:36Oh, OK. Fair enough.
26:38They don't understand my lifestyle or flores by day, porn star by night.
26:44How British was that?
26:46Sex later, but first, small talk.
26:49Now, I'm well aware that having said at the start of this show
26:52that we'd had a lot of good television in 2020,
26:55I've spent quite a lot of time tonight talking about stuff that's shit.
27:00So, let's end by highlighting some of the fantastic documentaries we've seen.
27:06One of the big hits was Tiger King, in which Peter Stringfellow's estranged brother
27:11plotted to kill his rival.
27:14Then we had All or Nothing, a documentary which managed to make Tottenham Hotspur
27:18look like a reasonable football club.
27:21Got away with that.
27:23And then, of course, there was Life on Our Planet.
27:26I've noticed something about Sir Attenborough.
27:29In the past, he used to tell us things.
27:32But now, he tells us off.
27:35Every other species on Earth reaches a maximum population after a time.
27:42The number that can be sustained on the natural resources available.
27:49With nothing to restrict us, our population has been growing dramatically throughout my lifetime.
27:56What he's saying is that a population of 11 billion is too big.
28:01That something must be done.
28:03So, basically, the man is Thanos.
28:06You know, the uber-buddy from the Marvel Avengers movies.
28:09Whose views, so far as I can tell, are exactly the same.
28:12Little one, it's a simple calculus.
28:15This universe is finite, its resources finite.
28:18If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist.
28:22It needs correction.
28:24You don't know that!
28:26I'm the only one who knows that.
28:30The funny thing is, is that to get rid of Thanos,
28:33they assembled all of the Avengers to kill him.
28:36David Attenborough, meanwhile, got knighted.
28:38Twice.
28:40LAUGHTER
28:40Sir Sir Dave did at least leave us with a cheery note at the end of his show.
28:46The truth is, with or without us, the natural world will rebuild.
28:53There we are.
28:54Reassuring words from the man himself.
28:57With or without us, the natural world will rebuild.
29:01Excellent!
29:02You can fire up the patio heater and I'll head home now in one of my Range Rovers.
29:05Thank you so much for watching.
29:07Have a happy Christmas.
29:08Actually, no, I'll tell you what.
29:10Let's end this in the style of Billions, shall we?
29:13Thank you so much for watching and have a very happy Christmas.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:29LAUGHTER
29:30LAUGHTER
29:32LAUGHTER
29:32LAUGHTER
29:34LAUGHTER
29:35APPLAUSE
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