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00:00.
00:23Although the freakish autumn rainfall had played havoc with my farming plans,
00:30there were days when the sun came out and Caleb could get back to tractoring.
00:39And on one of these rare occasions, I decided we needed a treat.
00:48Right, I'm on my way to a local farm shop to pick up a ploughman's.
00:55Well, what I need for a ploughman's.
01:00And here we are.
01:03You have arrived at your destination.
01:13Right.
01:15Some of those.
01:19Ham.
01:20Pork pie.
01:23Oh, wait, cheese.
01:25Have you got any Norwegian Jarlsburger?
01:28We don't.
01:29Cheddar?
01:29We have wonderful cheddar if you'd like a good strong cheddar.
01:33So this is all really made by Dale's for and sold in the shop?
01:36Yes, that's right.
01:40Nothing to see there.
01:41Yeah.
01:42That's what you need.
01:43Crusty loaf.
01:45Butter.
01:46Yeah.
01:47One ploughman's in my bag.
01:53Lovely.
01:54Thank you so much.
01:55How much is that?
01:56That is 83.44, please.
02:00Put those on top.
02:04So not, right, a bit more than that then.
02:0683.
02:0830.
02:0940.
02:11There's 90.
02:12Would you like your receipt?
02:14Yeah, because nobody will believe me otherwise.
02:17Thanks.
02:20This, however, turned out to be a wise investment because, on the way home,
02:26a five million watt light bulb went on in my head.
02:31Farm shop.
02:33Why would I not do that?
02:35If I put up a little barn somewhere, fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm,
02:45That's not a bad idea.
02:50In fact, it was a brilliant idea.
02:54And I even had a location in mind.
03:05This isn't used for farming.
03:08It's just waste ground.
03:10There's a road there, gate there, so there's good access.
03:13And best of all, behind these trees, come and have a look.
03:18Through this little gate here, caravan site.
03:24Endlessly changing customers.
03:26And they'll never be able to tell the people the following week how bad my shop is, if it is
03:31bad.
03:32No bad word of mouth.
03:37With the location sorted, I called Alan, who's been my builder for 25 years, to scoop out the site.
03:47There's the edge. We're going right above that edge and here on.
03:49When you're looking down that hill down there, you want to be in line with it, so you want to
03:52be coming off that corner square.
03:54I didn't actually have all the planning commission yet, but Alan said that despite this, we could get cracking by
04:02removing the first few inches of topsoil.
04:04We stripped the land, just so we could see what we got. Finish at that, everything's ready.
04:09I haven't jumped the gun here.
04:11No.
04:11I've not broken any law.
04:13Absolutely.
04:14I therefore leapt immediately into the driving seat of Alan's big digger.
04:22Yeah.
04:25Here we go.
04:26Oh, my van. Oh, my God.
04:29Oh, shit.
04:31Nice and smooth.
04:33Take the grass off.
04:36Too deep.
04:40Not so deep.
04:42It turned out my diggering skills were quite poor.
04:45Fucking hell. It's like a swimming pool.
04:48So, after Alan suggested I go and do something else,
04:53I went to check on the small patch of experimental potatoes I'd planted on speck a few months earlier.
05:08I've grown a thing!
05:13Another one!
05:14There's millions, look, there's like five!
05:18Look at that!
05:24As I was digging away, cheerful Charlie dropped by.
05:30are they good potatoes i know that's a baking potato and that's great and those are
05:33new and there's a little salad potato they're all the same but they're melody they're good
05:37variety they'll be they'll be really good thing is though it's taken me the best part of half an
05:44hour to do that we've got one bucket so how many buckets am i going to get from here uh
05:50we should
05:51be on between 14 16 tons an acre we've got about two acres here you just said 14 tons yeah
05:58they're
05:59going to come out of here just two acres that's two acres it's a lot of chips put them in
06:06the farm
06:06shop so the farm shop's not built and i haven't got planning permission so hang on if we get the
06:14farm
06:14shop built in realistically six weeks if planned permission comes through this week yep because
06:21then would these keep another six weeks we can keep these for six weeks how can i keep these
06:25from becoming useless for six weeks so we've got to top it rather than uh spraying what you mean
06:31lawnmower effectively lawnmower off we go so you kill the take the leaves off and then they'll just
06:36lie dormant and they'll lie dormant and the skin sort of firms up and that's good and that's good
06:41that that that that will enable it to store for longer caleb then lent me his topping machine and
06:50after giving me a lesson in how it works right that's it now pto enable now press it again
06:55i was on my way yes
07:03taking the leaves off my potatoes that will deprive potato of its ability to grow and it'll just lay
07:11dormant in the soil god it's a good tractor jeremy can you hear me it's caleb yeah i got you
07:18might want to drop the topper down it might help a little bit
07:25rookie error yeah yeah i need that i'm just going to go back to the start now and then
07:30actually do it with the topper lowered because i think that will make a huge difference
07:37it did and finally i was in business
07:46did a good job
07:49then with the potatoes sleeping soundly in the ground
07:53i was free to concentrate on other produce for the farm shop
08:00i've been doing some research and it turns out that chadlington the local village is named after
08:05saint chad who is the patron saint of wells and springs once more the entire village got its drinking
08:13water from springs on this farm but then one night in 1972 the water board switched everybody over to
08:22mains water and they were livid they were furious questions were asked in the houses of parliament
08:30the local television station sent a reporter to chadlington to cover the story i've got a clip of
08:36of that here an interesting lesson in democracy here at chadlington
08:42that is chris terent that is actually chris terent that's where he began in the end it seems the authorities
08:48can pipe what they like through to the villagers taps but short of forcibly pouring it down their
08:52throats they can't make them drink it mrs cooney you've been drinking this spring water a long time
08:57what's so special about it well because it's pure don't want that other filth what is it you don't
09:03like about tap water well it's horrible well we've had a tank of tropical fish but now it's been changed
09:09over and they've all died it's mixed with sewage right from temple guiding and all bottom of the
09:15water all the sewage you gotta come into it all the locals want to drink is this stuff
09:22they've been doing so for centuries and it's beautiful so he beat me to the chadlington water
09:27story and then he beat me to who wants to be a millionaire i just live in the man's shadow
09:34but now i would have the last laugh because i would bring back chadlington spring water i just want
09:42to see this spring because i've never really paid attention to the springs before job one for lisa and
09:47i was to gather some samples for testing are you grabbing it from straight where it comes out the
09:55ground yes this is exactly what perrier do no that's actually delicious
10:05look how quickly you can fill a bottle up from here see what i'm thinking is this would be like
10:10b and q with a old people hiring policy get a load of pensioners at the bottom of the waterfall
10:16with bottles filling them up that'd be fantastic gainful employment for the elderly
10:23this is the kind of thing you get the cbe for
10:28having sent the samples off to the lab i had another brain wave what i have here is a wasabi
10:38plant
10:40known as green gold because this in the shops would cost you 52 pounds and that's the same
10:48as half a ton of carrots so to get at the actual edible bit we have to peel the the
10:58bark
11:00most of the um green hot wasabi paste you get in japanese restaurants is actually mustard and horseradish
11:09sort of mixed up with artificial sweeteners and coloring this is the real deal
11:17if i can grow this here i'm going to be looking at g5 catalogues in no time at all
11:40i'm going to be looking at g5 catalogues in no time at all
11:55it's here wasabi is not easy to grow though it needs a supply of fast-flowing water that's exactly
12:05the right temperature and has exactly the right ph level and once i'd found a stream that fitted the
12:12bill i had to build a bed which meant i needed a machine
12:25a single cylinder engine 0.16 liters top speed three i'm going to call that the james may
12:53I've now planted about a hundred wasabi plants.
12:58If they all survive, that's, well, £5,000 for the roots
13:03and then another 1,000 for the leaves, probably.
13:07And that is more than you'll get from, well, hundreds of acres of wheat.
13:13This is where the money is.
13:19I then broke off from farm shop jobs
13:21because Charlie had been badgering me about my farm equipment
13:25being left out in the open.
13:27So I took some anti-theft measures
13:29with my newly appointed head of security, Gerald, the Drystone Lawler.
13:36Told you I could carry it.
13:39You ain't got a lot now, yeah?
13:41You've lost ten tons to come back, ain't it?
13:44Jesus Christ.
13:47Come on, you bastard.
13:49No, no, it's someone new last night.
13:51Yeah, we know we are, man.
13:52We could get in the game.
13:54Yeah, 5 o'clock normally on a Friday.
13:57Right.
14:00I don't know who's going to cut them off to.
14:02That'll do.
14:04The thing is, I don't really own this, Sal,
14:06but they didn't both with a loader, that was all.
14:09Well, supposedly.
14:11We going to know who that one is, brother and next then.
14:13Oh, yeah, yeah.
14:16Right.
14:18Listen.
14:20Twenty to six.
14:21All right.
14:21Before they send a search party out from the checkers,
14:24you should get down there.
14:26Let me just see you again.
14:27Thanks for your...
14:27All right, mate.
14:28So I should be, as well,
14:31hopefully, when the new subject,
14:33that in a better week's talk,
14:34I've got to do some good, probably, wouldn't you?
14:35On the programme.
14:38Yeah?
14:38Yeah, that's right.
14:39All right.
14:42So my equipment was now secure.
14:45I would soon have stuff to sell in the shop
14:48and planning permission was due any day.
14:51All was going well,
14:53until, that is...
14:55What?
14:56I got some bad news from the council.
15:00The villagers objected to my, um...
15:04farm shop plan
15:06for the following reasons.
15:09The complaints are simply about
15:11the risk of changing the village,
15:13the risk of damaging the village shops.
15:15It's a little old-fashioned village.
15:18People, generally, are not that keen.
15:22People are a bit bemused with the situation
15:27and we never know what Jeremy's going to do next.
15:30I mean, he blew up his house.
15:36Dogs barked and people thought
15:38the end of the world had come.
15:41Charlie quickly emailed to explain
15:43how I should deal with the objections.
15:45Whilst it does not read well on first inspection,
15:48I have addressed the concerns already
15:50or through the submission of a business plan.
15:55What is a business plan?
15:58Business plan examples.
16:00Right.
16:02Customers' priorities and needs,
16:04routes to market,
16:05products, services and propositions,
16:07sales values and margins,
16:08strategic action plan,
16:10recommender...
16:11Well, that would be a wee.
16:12Having typed in every phrase
16:14I'd ever heard on The Apprentice,
16:16I submitted a business plan
16:18and, amazingly,
16:20it worked
16:21because shortly afterwards,
16:23planning permission was granted.
16:29Just tip that out there, Brad.
16:31Get that locked.
16:32Everything down the bottom.
16:33This meant Alan could finally start building.
16:37Just tip it up there.
16:38Just tip it.
16:38I'll get the digger to move it.
16:39Get the barrels out of the way now.
16:40But he was now a week behind schedule,
16:44which was a week the potatoes didn't have.
16:47And then,
16:48to make matters worse,
16:50an old enemy returned.
17:08Holy cow!
17:19How can you build anything in these conditions?
17:23Have you ever known it wetter here?
17:25No, never.
17:26We're all going to end up with trench foot
17:27before the end of the week.
17:28No, the problem I've got
17:29is I've got tons of potatoes,
17:32but they're not going to last forever.
17:33So,
17:35how long?
17:37How long?
17:39If the weather breaks,
17:40maybe eight weeks.
17:41No, no, it can't be.
17:48The rain fell non-stop for days.
17:51And when it finally eased up,
17:53this is what the shop's foundations look like.
18:02It was three weeks ago
18:04I dug the footings out for the shop.
18:10And that,
18:11that's what's happened.
18:14I'm surprised the Environment Agency
18:16isn't here saying
18:16I've got an illegal trout lake.
18:18Planning permission's through,
18:19and we get
18:20the heaviest rainfall recorded
18:22since
18:24the last heaviest rainfall.
18:29Does anything go right in farming?
18:32With the build schedule
18:34now in tatters,
18:35the priority was to preserve
18:37the life of the potatoes.
18:39They'd have to be dug up and stored,
18:41which meant I'd need a machine.
18:43And in this part of the world
18:45where no one grows spuds,
18:46finding one
18:47proved to be tricky.
18:50But,
18:51much to Caleb's delight,
18:52I managed it.
19:00It's like a rush bucket.
19:02I mean,
19:05bloody hell.
19:08Toilet's old and flat.
19:10These need unseasoned.
19:11I'm going to have to heat these up.
19:13That needs re-greasing.
19:14Look,
19:14that's old grease, that.
19:16You know,
19:16green and manky.
19:17This thing is a piece of crap.
19:21Eventually, though,
19:22he stopped moaning
19:23and got it working.
19:29And with some local kids
19:31helping out,
19:32the slow,
19:33back-breaking work began.
19:40All right, we're done.
19:42From the top of the field,
19:43down to here.
19:44In, what,
19:45probably four hours.
19:46We've got all that to do.
19:53And we needed to get a move on.
19:56One there, look.
19:57This one's going black.
19:59Yeah, that one's going black
20:01and a bit squidgy.
20:02In the end, though,
20:03the workers saved
20:0416 tonnes of potatoes.
20:06And apart from a few,
20:08which my head of security needed,
20:11we got them all
20:12into a cool,
20:13dark storage barn.
20:23This brought me some time
20:25to start work
20:26on my next farm shop enterprise.
20:29How many chickens
20:29are you going to get?
20:3060 eggs?
20:32So we're going to call them
20:33not free-range chickens.
20:36We're going to call them
20:37good exercise chickens.
20:39That's what they call them
20:40in Vietnam.
20:41And it's better, I think,
20:42than free-range.
20:43Yeah, I like that.
20:45My plan is to build
20:47a range of little chicken huts
20:48along this side of the wood.
20:51So actually starting
20:52about here, yeah?
20:54Yeah.
20:54So you can get the eggs
20:56from this side,
20:57but the chickens can exit
20:58on that side
20:59to run around in the wood.
21:00But we've got to re-fence this.
21:02We've got to put chicken wire
21:03around the outside.
21:04How could a fox get in there?
21:05Oh, it's a fox.
21:07Guarantee a fox
21:08will get in there
21:09in the best part
21:10of 20 minutes.
21:11And how high is the fence
21:12going to have to be?
21:13Six foot, like this.
21:15And so, the next day
21:17we reconvened
21:18to build the fence.
21:20Hold it on the bottom
21:21of the post.
21:21Square it up.
21:22Using a machine
21:23Caleb called
21:26his man-killer.
21:29And away we go.
21:40You're okay.
21:46Higher.
21:49I don't know if that's actually,
21:50that's not actually moving.
21:52Give me a break.
21:58It's that last little lip.
21:59There it is.
21:59There.
22:00The burn.
22:05All right, next one.
22:06Do you want to bring that?
22:08I'll bring this.
22:09Oh, we need another post.
22:10We've got to get some more posts.
22:13I'll meet you down there.
22:15Grab two if you can.
22:20And so, the day continued
22:22under the lash
22:23of the rural ant Middleton.
22:26Higher, higher.
22:27That's it now.
22:28Three.
22:29Four.
22:31Five.
22:32Two more.
22:33Come on, two more.
22:34What's this shouting
22:35at me this morning?
22:37Right, you get the ladder
22:38and the bar.
22:38I'll get this.
22:40Meet you at the next one.
22:48Ready?
22:49We're not even halfway there,
22:50are we?
22:52No.
22:56Eventually, though,
22:56Jurassic Park was finished.
22:58And then it was time
22:59to install the hen houses
23:01that Lisa had ordered.
23:05It's good, right?
23:07Well, they'd blend
23:08if we were in Cambercent
23:09or Tobermory.
23:11Well, it was this
23:11or Peveldot.
23:12And I've got
23:13the birds.
23:14Hey.
23:1660 purebred Burford Browns.
23:18Okay, so let's work this out.
23:19So we can put 20 in there.
23:2112.
23:22That's 20.
23:2420.
23:2440, 50.
23:263, 8, 7 at the end.
23:29I literally wasn't listening.
23:30Okay, I got it.
23:33Clearly, though,
23:34the hens weren't thrilled
23:35at the prospect
23:36of living in Legoland.
23:38These are frisks.
23:39Sorry.
23:40Ooh!
23:45Jeremy, you're serious?
23:46You're not going to do this
23:46without food?
23:47Yes, we are.
23:48How?
23:48Because, what's this?
23:50I am a bird whisperer.
23:53Ooh!
23:54You're picky, bitey.
23:56No, this is how
23:57you deal with it, okay?
23:59This is an important lesson.
24:00You've got to pretend
24:01you're not interested.
24:02Casually coming along,
24:03looking the other way.
24:05And then at the last minute
24:06you dive...
24:08Fucking thing.
24:11Eventually, though,
24:12all the hens
24:13were safely installed
24:14in their new houses.
24:16And Lisa had
24:17a little surprise for me.
24:19Close your eyes
24:20and add your hand.
24:24A egg?
24:25A first egg.
24:26Yeah, they laid it
24:27in the crate.
24:28A egg!
24:29Yeah.
24:29Egg!
24:31Does a chicken
24:32lay eggs out of its arse
24:34or its vangine?
24:37Did you go to boarding
24:37school, by any chance?
24:39If I Google that,
24:41Jeff Bezos
24:42is going to worry about me.
24:43He is.
24:44So, full-scale egg production
24:46was imminent
24:48and hopefully
24:49so was the bottled
24:50spring water
24:52because back
24:53at the office
24:54an important letter
24:56had arrived.
25:00Okay, these are the
25:04results from the
25:05all the springs
25:07on the farm.
25:08Had the water tested
25:10to see what's what,
25:11how much of them
25:11are drinkable.
25:14All right,
25:17E. coli, basically.
25:19There's a type of
25:20bacteria found
25:21in the gut of animals
25:21and humans.
25:22Some strains
25:22can cause
25:23diarrhoea, food poisoning,
25:24yes, blood,
25:25but pneumonia.
25:26So I've got
25:27in spring one
25:28no E. coli
25:31and no E. coli
25:32in spring two.
25:34Right, the essence
25:35of what I've got here
25:36is the springs,
25:38the springs one
25:40and two
25:40which I want
25:41to bottle
25:42are good.
25:44However,
25:45there was also
25:46some rather disturbing
25:47news.
25:49A positive coliform
25:51sample should be
25:52considered an indication
25:54of faeces
25:55in your source.
25:57The pond
25:58that feeds
25:59the house
26:00where I live
26:02is riddled
26:03with literally
26:05everything
26:06in such
26:06vast quantities
26:07that,
26:09well,
26:10it explains
26:10why I'm
26:11so full of shit
26:13because that's
26:13what I've been
26:14living on
26:14these last few years.
26:17It's just
26:18a torrent
26:19of turds.
26:23Worried now
26:24that I wouldn't
26:25live long enough
26:25to actually
26:26open the farm shop,
26:27I went to the
26:28water filtration room
26:30at my house.
26:33Oh, hang on.
26:35It's quite muddy.
26:37Oh, my God.
26:39That's...
26:40I'll show you
26:41what it's supposed
26:41to look like.
26:42Hang on.
26:45Right.
26:47That's what it
26:48looked like
26:50three months ago
26:52and that's
26:53what it looks
26:54like now.
26:55I've been
26:56drinking this.
26:58I've been
26:59drinking
26:59rotting
27:00animals
27:01and
27:01faeces.
27:04Luckily,
27:05Lisa is in
27:06London today.
27:06I won't tell her
27:07that...
27:09I won't tell her
27:10that this has
27:10happened.
27:11That seems to be
27:12the best thing.
27:13I'll just say no,
27:13everything's fine.
27:15Nah.
27:20There was more
27:21bad news
27:22because even though
27:23they were in
27:24storage.
27:28Time was
27:28starting to run
27:29out for my
27:31potatoes.
27:32If you dig
27:33around, you know,
27:34there's quite a lot
27:35of rotten ones in
27:36here that we need
27:39to sort.
27:41Yeah, we've got
27:42these ones,
27:45which, sorry for
27:46those that are
27:46squeamish, which you
27:48sort of have gone
27:49all pussy and
27:51horrible.
27:54I needed to
27:55start selling them
27:56immediately, but the
27:58farm shop was
27:59nowhere near ready.
28:02So, in these
28:03desperate times, I
28:04came up with a
28:06desperate measure.
28:15Morning.
28:16Morning.
28:20It's 15p, then, for
28:22one of those, or 15p
28:24for that.
28:27That's the only
28:28drawback to my plan.
28:32So, potatoes are
28:33there, bags are
28:34there.
28:36Good.
28:45As it turned out,
28:46the honesty box
28:47attracted people who
28:48were honest.
28:50Mostly.
28:52Somebody has left me
28:54this bottle top.
28:57Because they are
28:59c**ts.
29:00But some people
29:03have left
29:04actual money.
29:06So, I've earned
29:09two, three,
29:10four, five pounds,
29:1435p.
29:17What are they,
29:18jacket ones?
29:18Look, look, look,
29:20look, look, look.
29:22So, you've got big,
29:23big ones or
29:24smaller ones.
29:26I'll take the big
29:26ones, I'll jacket them.
29:27How many do you want?
29:29Seven.
29:30Seven?
29:32Brilliant.
29:32Look at this.
29:35Look at this.
29:36Just so rich.
29:39However, I wasn't going
29:40to shift 16 tons of
29:42potatoes from a filing
29:43cabinet.
29:44What I really needed was a
29:46finished shop.
29:48But on that front,
29:51there was good news,
29:53because finally, it was
29:55starting to take shape.
29:59Look, look, this morning.
30:01Is that this morning?
30:02Yeah, I looked around the
30:03other side yesterday in the
30:04rain.
30:05In the rain?
30:05Come and have a look at what
30:06we've done yesterday.
30:07Oh, fair weather
30:07Alan.
30:08Yeah, yeah.
30:11That's all right, isn't it?
30:12Nice jumpers, isn't it?
30:13No, it's good.
30:13I like the jumpers.
30:14Yeah, they're good.
30:15Big, nice, big jumpers.
30:16We've got a nice few of
30:16those.
30:17It just makes it look more
30:19like that barn down there.
30:20No, that's exactly right.
30:21Yeah.
30:22Now I've got to go do the
30:23sheep.
30:24I really have.
30:24Brilliant.
30:25And I do think I'm slowing
30:26you down, which I don't want
30:27to do.
30:28Bring a few potatoes back.
30:29I will.
30:30I'll bring you some potatoes.
30:31I'll put a few in for you.
30:32I'll bring you some potatoes.
30:34Please do.
30:37As I was leaving, Alan
30:39suddenly remembered something
30:40else he needed.
30:42One thing before you go.
30:43We've got to get water
30:44electric from the caravan
30:45site.
30:46So we need to talk to them.
30:48It's owned by the camping
30:49and caravan club there.
30:50Is it?
30:51And I get on really well
30:52with them because I've always
30:53been incredibly nice about
30:54caravans.
30:54Yeah, all about caravans.
30:55Yeah, brilliant.
30:55I've seen them.
30:56I've always said really kind
30:57things.
30:58I've seen them when the
30:58sticks are dynamiting them
30:59and things.
31:00Brilliant.
31:00Hey, yeah, we need to get
31:02out of them really, don't we?
31:03I'll get on with that.
31:05As it turned out, the
31:06camping and caravan club were
31:07happy to supply me with their
31:09power and water, so long as I
31:11gave them something in return.
31:13So?
31:20Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and as
31:23I've always said, you can't
31:25beat a caravan holiday.
31:28A site like this offers camping
31:30and caravan club members access
31:32to the great outdoors for as
31:34little as £41 a year.
31:38I think it's brightening up.
31:41And it's a great place to enjoy
31:44some al fresco dining or maybe a
31:46bit of sport with people from all
31:48walks of life.
31:51So come on, beat those Brexit blues
31:54and take your holiday this year in
31:55a good old British field.
31:57You won't regret it.
31:58Cheers.
32:08With the power and water now being
32:10connected, everything was looking
32:12good.
32:14But then...
32:17Well, it's not great.
32:20The site for the farm shop that we're
32:23looking at, I've just been checking the
32:25title, and there's a restrictive
32:27covenant in there, which puts a
32:29restriction on your use.
32:32Well, aren't there what?
32:33Right.
32:34I've got a map.
32:35So, the farm shop's coming up here.
32:40Yeah.
32:41Is that the boundary of my land?
32:43Yep.
32:46And there's a little corner of that
32:48field.
32:49That's not my gate.
32:54We have a right of access, and we
32:56have a right of use of that whole
32:58corner of the field, but it's
33:00restricted to agricultural use only.
33:02So we can build a farm shop...
33:04But no customers could get to it?
33:05But no customers could get to it.
33:11It's tiny.
33:12Yeah, it is.
33:12Ten feet.
33:13It's just the gate.
33:14It's literally the gate at a corner
33:16of the field.
33:17Probably, as you say, about 100
33:18square feet.
33:19Oh, for God's sake.
33:23I therefore had to go and find the
33:25people in the village who owned the
33:27gate, hoping they weren't those who'd
33:30objected to the shop being built in the
33:32first place.
33:35And guess what?
33:37They weren't.
33:39They gave me permission for customers to
33:41come to the shop so work could resume.
33:47All right.
33:47So just tip that out there, Brad.
33:49Get the barrels out of the way now.
33:51Until eventually, four weeks later than
33:54planned, the building was complete.
33:59It's like Fortnum & Masons, in my mind.
34:03It's what?
34:04I don't see.
34:05You don't know what Fortnum & Masons is?
34:06Not a clue.
34:07It's a big shop in Piccadilly in London.
34:08You've done that, didn't you?
34:09You've done that fucking deliberate.
34:10Harrods.
34:11It's like Harrods.
34:12All right.
34:12We know what Harrods is, yeah.
34:13It's like Harrods.
34:14We'll get this shit moved.
34:16We'll get this leveled back down, and it'll
34:17all be ready to go.
34:19What about a toilet, then?
34:21Well, we've got to get something.
34:22That's all right.
34:23You know, there's old people come.
34:25All right.
34:26I'm going to go and find something to sell.
34:28It's just never going to stop raining, is it?
34:29Stop raining.
34:30It hasn't stopped for eight weeks.
34:32Let me tell you, Summer.
34:33This is global warming.
34:35You racing about all your life in vehicles.
34:38I'm sorry.
34:39What car's that over there?
34:40No, mine's electric, that van.
34:4230 years of you bouting about in them, in other people,
34:46ruined our fucking world for the next generation.
34:50Just unbelievable horse shit.
34:53Oh, God.
34:54Right, let's get on with this.
34:56Get all them pipes out.
34:57Shut that door up, Jason, don't get damaged.
35:00In truth, there was a lot to do before the bear barn
35:03was an actual shock.
35:05Luke, I want all this rubbish out of here.
35:08But as each hour passed, the potatoes were rotting.
35:12The pheasants were eating my wasabi.
35:15The fox was circling the hen houses.
35:18And the hunt I brought in to deal with it
35:20were bound by law to be on the phone.
35:23When it strolled by.
35:28As time was therefore critical,
35:30I decided that night that the Diddly Squat farm shop
35:34would open, come what may,
35:37that weekend.
35:40Well, we've got to get all the boxes up for the vegetables in the farm shop.
35:45Yeah.
35:46Got to get the advertising signs hung.
35:48Okay.
35:49We've got to get the farm shop decorated.
35:51So what do you want me to do?
35:52And when's the farm shop opening, actually?
35:53Tomorrow.
35:54Two o'clock.
35:57What time now?
35:5920 to 10.
36:00Friday.
36:01Opens tomorrow.
36:02And we've got to do all this.
36:02Well, us potatoes will have rotted.
36:04If we don't open it now,
36:05we have nothing, I mean, no potatoes.
36:07All those potatoes will certainly rot.
36:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:11Caleb rushed off to get signs made
36:14while I took Lisa to the shop
36:16so she could start decorating
36:19and I could try out the car park.
36:27That's really deep.
36:29That's really bad.
36:36Ready?
36:37Yes.
36:38Hang on.
36:40Yay!
36:42Great.
36:43Eventually.
36:44Ready?
36:45Yeah, go on.
36:48Wow.
36:49Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
36:50Where's the sink?
36:51What?
36:52So you have a sink
36:53and you're rinsing stuff.
36:54No, no, we haven't got a sink.
36:55We've got a tap.
36:56But let's not get bogged down, shall we?
36:58With the lack of any form of drainage
37:01to save money.
37:04That looks fantastic.
37:05It's a lot bigger with the roof on.
37:07Yes.
37:08Leaving Lisa to paint the walls,
37:10I went off to help Caleb
37:12erect our advertising signs.
37:22Oh.
37:24How many people are coming on Saturday?
37:25Well, now, that's a good question.
37:26Have you put it in the Chippy Norton news?
37:30Um, no.
37:31Because it suddenly occurred to me.
37:33Social media.
37:35Social media.
37:36Twitter, I've got 7.1 million.
37:39Fucking hell.
37:40Followers.
37:41What do you do on Twitter?
37:42I never, I didn't use Twitter.
37:43Nothing.
37:43It's just, Twitter now is just an opportunity
37:45for very left-wing people
37:47to express increasingly left-wing views
37:50to other left-wing people.
37:51So I'm not sure it's a farm shop.
37:54Hey, but it's all vegetarian, isn't it?
37:56Yeah.
37:56Now it is, yeah.
37:57Yes, you see, that's a Twitter handle.
37:59Everything's going vegan.
38:01That's a Twitter handle.
38:03Oh, Christ, we'll have them
38:03with their smelly armpits
38:05queuing up for a mile,
38:06if you say that.
38:07After I'd finished tweeting,
38:09Caleb came up with a
38:10Caleb-type suggestion
38:12about what we could do
38:13with any unsolved potatoes.
38:15There's a thing,
38:16you actually can go
38:17and have a potato fight with people.
38:19Get there, you get drunk
38:19and you chuck potatoes at each other.
38:24Do you go to a party?
38:26Yeah.
38:27And then how's it work?
38:28Start off all,
38:29how you doing, you all right?
38:30And then about, you know,
38:3110 o'clock comes,
38:32that's it,
38:33you're just chucking potatoes
38:34at each other.
38:34Who are these other
38:35potato-flingers round here?
38:37I can't, like, name them all
38:39because they'll be like,
38:39oh, yeah, he says, name me.
38:41And everyone will be
38:42chucking potatoes at home,
38:43like, they like it.
38:46Your life and my life
38:48are incredibly different.
38:51With the signs up,
38:52we went back to the farm shop
38:57to help erect the port-a-loo.
39:01Right, it's a thing
39:02of great beauty, isn't it?
39:05So we just plonked that up.
39:07How does it not blow over
39:08in the wind?
39:09Oh, probably best to put
39:11some sandbags
39:12or something to weigh it down.
39:13Cheers, mate.
39:16With the port-a-loo in place,
39:19I went to check
39:20on Michael O'Angelo.
39:23So, Jeremy,
39:24I spoke to mum
39:25and I sent her a video
39:27of what I'm doing
39:27and she sent me
39:28a WhatsApp back.
39:30Oh, my goodness,
39:31stop right now.
39:32You need to prepare
39:34the breeze blocks
39:34before you paint them.
39:36Google it.
39:37So I googled it
39:38and you have to do
39:39a mixture of cement and water
39:40and then paint that on.
39:42Yeah, but if we just say
39:43we wanted this effect,
39:46well, we haven't got time
39:47to do that.
39:47The shop is opening
39:48in 24 hours and 10 minutes.
39:53Leaving Lisa to it,
39:55I went to collect
39:57the eggs we'd be selling.
39:59One.
40:00Two.
40:03No.
40:04Absolutely none.
40:07One.
40:09Last chance.
40:1059 chickens.
40:15One.
40:16What are you doing?
40:17That is 11 eggs.
40:19That is enough
40:20for a picnic,
40:20not a shop.
40:24Having harangued the hens,
40:25I drove back
40:26to the farm shop
40:30and arrived just in time
40:32for a visit
40:32from cheerful Charlie.
40:34I was thinking
40:35as I walked across,
40:36could you have built it
40:37in a windier spot?
40:39Yes, I know,
40:40but we're next to
40:41ready-made customers.
40:43Absolutely.
40:45Charlie then informed me
40:46that I wouldn't be selling
40:47any mutton
40:48from the sheep
40:49I'd slaughtered earlier.
40:52I can't sell the meat?
40:53Nope.
40:53Not until you've got
40:54the sign-off
40:55from food hygiene.
40:57So that frozen...
40:59That frozen stuff
40:59will have to stay
41:01unsold
41:02until we've got...
41:03She's coming around
41:03next week, I think.
41:04Is that the one
41:05that can't come on
41:06Thursdays and Fridays?
41:07The local council
41:08cannot send somebody out,
41:09yes.
41:10Why not?
41:11Well, because she only
41:12works Monday to Wednesday.
41:13Is it 1974?
41:15Have I been asleep
41:16and woken up
41:17in the 70s?
41:19Come on.
41:21Inside,
41:22Charlie's bureaucratic bombs
41:24kept on falling.
41:25In Lisa's mind,
41:26there's a lovely coffee area
41:28out here.
41:30People can sit
41:30and have a cup of coffee.
41:32Variation of planning.
41:34Building a fire pit.
41:35Do I need a council
41:36planning permission for that?
41:37No, but we might need
41:39a risk assessment.
41:39Can I put a note up outside?
41:41Don't walk in the fire.
41:42Don't lie down in the fire.
41:45That's good.
41:45That's good.
41:46Don't touch the fire.
41:48Don't...
41:48So what I'm saying is,
41:49hello, customer.
41:50I think you're a halfwit.
41:55Mercifully,
41:55I eventually escaped
41:56from the red tape
41:57and got on with the business
41:59of finishing the shop.
42:05See, that's going to work.
42:19We've got so much to do.
42:32Fucking hell.
42:40The next day,
42:41the weather
42:42was not like this.
42:45It was cold
42:46and bleak.
42:48And there were still
42:49issues to be dealt with.
42:52No, really good eggs.
42:54But we have got a
42:55salmonella test.
42:56What?
42:57Have we?
42:58Have you?
43:03That looks really good,
43:04doesn't it?
43:05Yeah, that looks fantastic.
43:05I'll open this one.
43:07Here we go.
43:08And then we have...
43:09That's...
43:10Well, it's closed.
43:10Look, look, look.
43:11No, no, no.
43:12It's a yoga shop.
43:14Squat shop?
43:14Well, a squat shop,
43:15it sounds like people
43:16come here to do yoga.
43:17Yes, by the way,
43:18it's when we're closed,
43:19it's very clear what we do.
43:21Yeah.
43:21When we're open,
43:22people will,
43:22women will come in leotards
43:24and say,
43:24can I do a downward dog?
43:31Bit of a problem
43:32with the spring water.
43:34I ordered four sample bottles
43:36and they've arrived in time
43:39for the shop opening,
43:40but I went for the yellow one
43:44and as you can see,
43:47I mean, the label's good.
43:49I'm pleased.
43:50It's clear,
43:51but it kind of looks like a sample.
44:02However, as Zero Hour approached,
44:05everything was finally in order.
44:17And we were ready to receive customers.
44:23The question was,
44:25had my social media shout-out
44:27been enough to draw any in?
44:29Right, here we go.
44:31This is it.
44:55Can I interest you
44:56in some anything?
44:59Potatoes, maybe?
45:00Yes, a wide selection of potatoes.
45:01Yes.
45:02Well, their melody potatoes
45:03are delicious for chipping,
45:05for roasting are really good.
45:07Okay.
45:08Baking are fantastic.
45:09Chips, knock yourself out.
45:11You take American Express?
45:12Uh, Visa.
45:14Ah.
45:16Then,
45:17just as I was starting to panic...
45:28Holy cow!
45:32Oh, my giddy-ard.
45:35No, seriously,
45:36look down there.
45:37Look down there.
45:38It is quite literally,
45:40as far as the eye can see.
45:50Oh, my God.
45:51What have I done?
45:53You all right?
45:53Yeah, I am.
45:54It's just more people have come
45:55than I was expecting.
45:57Yeah.
45:57My husband had an operation
45:58when he came to see you.
46:00Oh, I'm so grateful to you.
46:02It's fine operation.
46:03Well, I've got disabled parking.
46:05So, have you got your blue badge?
46:07Yes.
46:08You go and put your park in the blue badge.
46:09I've put a special place.
46:11Thanks.
46:14Also,
46:14hordes of people
46:15were now arriving on foot.
46:19Soon,
46:20the shop was heaving
46:21and Lisa
46:22was run off her feet.
46:24Hi.
46:25Hi.
46:26Hi, how are you?
46:26Hi, how are you?
46:27Hi, how are you?
46:28I, meanwhile,
46:30had decided
46:30I was more useful
46:31as a front of house
46:33type of person.
46:34Do you mind all the flipers?
46:35No, no, that's fine.
46:36What do I write?
46:38Too courty.
46:40There we go.
46:41And your potatoes?
46:43That'll be 621, please, sir.
46:44There we go.
46:45Six pounds, two feet.
46:46And that's 672.
46:47Anyone heard about that
46:48with Chelsea Spurs?
46:50Six...
46:50How much? 220.
46:51Hi, how are you?
46:52There we go.
46:53And your potatoes?
46:54And you want the cake as well?
46:55Which newspaper are you from?
46:56Um, Cotswold Gentleman.
46:59Cotswold Gentleman?
47:00Yeah.
47:01I like the idea
47:02of being in the Cotswold Gentleman.
47:04As the customers piled in,
47:07a problem developed.
47:09The car park was becoming a cronfire.
47:14That's a problem.
47:16I saw this as a public relations disaster,
47:19while Caleb saw it
47:21as a business opportunity.
47:23You're not charging people
47:25to tow them out of the car park.
47:28No, you're not.
47:29You can't.
47:31It's not fair.
47:32It's a shop.
47:33You're here to provide a service
47:35with my very powerful tractor.
47:39Yeah, now to think of it.
47:40Does that mean I can have my ten pound?
47:42You're not paying him.
47:44Caleb, give him the...
47:45I'll give him ten pounds.
47:46See, there's a business idea.
47:47Don't give...
47:47It isn't a business idea.
47:49It's theft.
47:49As the afternoon wore on,
47:52the punters kept on coming.
47:57Right, so that is just over three kilos.
48:00Let's say three kilos.
48:01It's hard to be much easier if you have it.
48:04Well, carry it to your car, madam.
48:09Thank you very much.
48:14I mean, I can...
48:15I can't sell meat.
48:17But I have got a bit of money.
48:25Thank you very much.
48:26Cheers.
48:26And it's ten pound to get out.
48:27If you want my meat,
48:29it's round the back.
48:31After a frantic day,
48:34it was time to shut the doors.
48:37Thanks for coming.
48:37Thank you ever so much for coming.
48:39Enjoy your potatoes.
48:40And count the takings.
48:4660, 80, 100, 120.
48:48Do we need one of those, like,
48:49Pablo Escobar counting machines?
48:51No, you need nothing like drug dealers.
48:53It's like...
48:56150.
48:57I'd say we have about...
49:00160, 170, 175 in there.
49:05175?
49:06Yeah, and...
49:0775 pounds.
49:08Cash.
49:09No, no, it's just...
49:10Say 75.
49:11Say 75.
49:12How much do we do on credit card?
49:13How much do you think?
49:15Um, don't know.
49:17I can't even begin to guess.
49:18100, 200 pounds.
49:20897 pounds, 76 pence.
49:23So we always, almost made it...
49:24No, 8, 7...
49:27897 pounds, 76 pence.
49:30Plus 100 and...
49:31Well, we will own up to this.
49:33170 odd.
49:34170 odd, so over a grand.
49:40I know!
49:41I'm a human tripod!
49:43I mean, that's a lot of sales.
49:46We have so, so many potatoes.
49:50And we have so many left, Jeremy.
49:55But no matter.
49:56The shop was now on the map, and there was always tomorrow.
50:02Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.
50:09I've been closed down.
50:11I have in my hand a piece of paper from the council.
50:14They're unhappy with the tin roof.
50:16They say they want it to be made of slate.
50:18And obviously, if they're not happy, I don't have planning permission.
50:21If I don't have planning permission, I can't be open.
50:23Which means this is the shortest farm shop business in history.
50:31Something will go right one day.
50:33It has to.
50:35It has to.
50:41Oh, yeah, look at that.
50:44Ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing, don't they?
50:50What the fuck are you doing up here?
51:21Ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing.
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