- 16 hours ago
The Chief - Season 2 Episode 1 - Autobiography
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Short filmTranscript
00:00As Aristotle said, knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
00:06But this is about you, the great Scottish public, getting to know me, who I am, why I am.
00:14And no one better knows the I of who I am than me.
00:19I'm Cameron Mikkelsen.
00:21I was born for greatness, born to serve, born for justice.
00:30Ah! 9.30 and we've already got the foreword in the bag, De Grey Scotch.
00:37You are a pro, sir.
00:38Well, I hope I'm capturing some of the you in there.
00:43Brother from another mother.
00:44You were always my first choice, Mr Scott.
00:47You bring my sense of command, intelligence, gravitas.
00:52If I had one, I hesitate to use the word note.
00:55One little torch beam to guide you on your way.
01:00Sexier.
01:07Chief, remember, Mr Scott is away at six.
01:10Oh, it will be done long before then.
01:13And you wrote all this yourself, Chief?
01:14Every word.
01:15That way I can guarantee that it's 100% honest, truthful and accurate.
01:22And you're on time, De Grey.
01:24Okay.
01:25My childhood was tough.
01:27Home was a modest, detached Victoria Villa in Castorfin.
01:30As a family of five, we were all forced to share the same aga.
01:34The fires of injustice.
01:37Sorry, sir.
01:38But I need a word.
01:38Oh, sorry, De Grey.
01:40Muldoon, we're recording the audiobook of my autobiography here.
01:43I know you are, sir.
01:44And I'm very much looking forward to reading it.
01:46Or having it read to you by a bona fide A-lister.
01:51Aye.
01:52Sir, I need to talk to you about the opening of the safe drug consumption facility.
01:57Do they do deliveries?
01:58Deliveries.
02:00Deliveries.
02:01Eh, it's no laughing matter, pal.
02:03Drug taking is against the law.
02:05And the government are as good as saying,
02:07come away in, chop out of you, don't mind us.
02:10Muldoon, I've cleared my diary for this.
02:12Left you in charge and you're down here already.
02:14Sorry, sir, but I just need your advice.
02:18Sorry, I do agree.
02:19I've got to step out for a quick strategy powwow with my deputy.
02:23Should we just crack on with the recorder?
02:25I'd rather you didn't, if that's okay with you.
02:29Every word is vitally important to me.
02:31Every colon, semi-colon and umlaut.
02:35Is there an umlaut?
02:36There is, actually.
02:37Page 357.
02:39When I tell Helmut Kohl that his reaction is ubertrieben.
02:43That's over the top, Muldoon.
02:45I'll be quick as I can.
02:50You're doing very well, Mr Scott.
02:53Sounds fire.
02:54Thank you, Paul.
02:57Could you do something amazing for me?
03:00It's my sister's hen night and she has a massive San, like, major.
03:04Is there any way you could pop along to the voodoo lounge and say hi?
03:08I'm on a flight to L.A.
03:09I don't think they're playing or wait for me.
03:12Fine.
03:13No stress.
03:14So you could maybe record a video?
03:17Should we just do the book first?
03:18Oh, well, the chief did say to wait till he gets back.
03:21We're on the clock, Paul.
03:23Oh, oh, okay.
03:25Let's go rogue.
03:27So, this next passage coming up is from when the chief was a wee boy.
03:33Just imagine the chief, like, much, much smaller with hair.
03:40I know what a wee boy is, Paul.
03:45Of course.
03:48Right.
03:49And action.
03:52So, what's the issue?
03:57I thought the opening of this safe drug facility was months away.
04:00They moved it forward.
04:02Well, you know what junkies are like.
04:03Desperate to get torn.
04:04We need to make a statement outlining the police position ASAP.
04:08Get it online and out in the media.
04:10Well, it's a government initiative.
04:12We support it.
04:12But we shouldn't.
04:14It's a place where wee jakeys can shoot up and we're supposed to turn a blind eye.
04:18It's a facility where people can safely consume drugs in the presence of trained health professionals.
04:25Drug taking is illegal.
04:27Yes, but the SDCF makes it legal.
04:30It's like a bar in a Scottish airport at 6 in the a.m.
04:35Normal rules don't apply.
04:37So you chug down a star of pram and with a Jagerbomb chaser.
04:41Okay, sir.
04:41I'll draft up a cautious statement of support.
04:45As long as we can huckle the...
04:46Yes, yes.
04:47Outside the facility, if you take a drug, you're straight to the jug.
04:52Muldoon, together we will win this war on drugs.
04:58Or legalise them all.
05:00Whatever works.
05:01Look, I've got to get back.
05:03The tome waits for no man.
05:06Actually, that's quite good.
05:08I'll try and work that in.
05:11I was just a small boy.
05:14My ambition was to be a policeman.
05:17But how could I achieve this impossible dream?
05:20Nervously, I entered my father's study and asked him,
05:23Do you know of any way I could join the police force, Chief Superintendent Mikkelsen?
05:27A little bit of early morning mutiny?
05:29Well, I just thought that we should crack on, Chief.
05:32Well, I'll let it slide.
05:35Sounded excellent.
05:36No notes.
05:37Now, Dougray, for this next section, we move forward in time to Edinburgh in the 1980s and
05:44the Skag Epidemic, you get to embody the true hero of the Trainspotting Era, a fearless
05:51young police officer, myself.
05:54Take it away.
05:55Leith, 1985.
05:58I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.
06:02The sweat was pishinaf, the dos raj bam.
06:06So sorry I'm late, Chief.
06:08Gaelic helpline bot teething troubles.
06:10It's not still autocorrecting to Latvian.
06:13Aper burach.
06:14Oh, Dougray, I heard Lindsay MacLeod, my head of diversity, equity and inclusion, give
06:21the manuscript a quick sensitivity read.
06:23We don't want to startle the gen setters.
06:27I've highlighted all the problematic areas in red.
06:31So, for example, here, maybe we could try and steer clear of the B word.
06:36What?
06:36Bam.
06:38It's the language of the streets.
06:41We need to be wary of oversensitivity, Lindsay.
06:43Now, carry on, Dougray.
06:46The sweat was pishinaf, the dos raj bam.
06:50The nutjob might as well have had junkie tattooed on his forehead.
06:54He had a mouth like a donkey's gash.
06:57Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:59Chief, that is a major red pen.
07:02That's how people spoke back then.
07:04It's authentic, raw, gritty.
07:07The G word is one of the most offensive terms it is.
07:11You'll get cancelled, your book will get pulped.
07:14It'll be in the bin with my bookie-wook and the best of p-titty.
07:18Don't forget, Michelle moans my fight to the top.
07:21What's the problem?
07:23No problems, as long as we change bam to B word, rat to R word, nutjob to the N word.
07:32No, that will complicate things.
07:35So if we could change nutjob to headcase and headcase to H word.
07:42We could record two versions.
07:43We could record three versions for super duper safety.
07:46Why don't you just put a warning sticker on the dust jacket?
07:50Contains trigger words.
07:51Ah, like parental guidance recommended kind of thing, eh?
07:57I'd be like iced tea.
07:59But without all the cop killing.
08:00Yeah, that could work.
08:02Excellent idea, Dougray.
08:04Paul, order the stickers and have them print up some winner of the Bailey Gifford Prize for non-fiction.
08:10Why are you about it?
08:12Continue, Dougray.
08:13Crack on.
08:14Sorry, presser.
08:16Leith, 1985.
08:19I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.
08:22The sweat was pissing off the dos raj bam.
08:26Oh, sorry.
08:28Sorry, Dougray.
08:29Two minutes, got to take this.
08:30You answer to Hollywood.
08:32I answer to Hollywood.
08:34Justice Minister.
08:37Hello.
08:41Mr Scott.
08:41As a slogan for a hen night sash, which sleigh's better?
08:45The hen is a ten or the bride's a ride?
08:50Working hard, Chief?
08:52Always, Minister.
08:53Fighting crime 24-7.
08:56I heard you were recording your autobiography.
08:59Currently fighting crime through the medium of literature.
09:02Right, down to business.
09:04On to this safe drugs consumption facility.
09:07My deputy is drafting our statement even as we speak.
09:11Good.
09:11This is important for us.
09:13The FM wants our ducks in a row on this one.
09:15Even though some of our ducks are floating downstream, tripping off their beaks.
09:19Understood.
09:20When it comes to safe drugs consumption, we need to be playing the right mood to music.
09:24Well, blast.
09:25White lines don't do it outside the facility.
09:28But inside, it's sorted for ease and whiz.
09:31We're dancing to your tune, Minister.
09:33Glad to hear it, Chief.
09:34Good luck with the statement and good luck with your book.
09:37Was Dickens lucky?
09:40Did he sclaf one in off the post?
09:43But, rest assured, Minister, right now this drug facility statement is my absolute number one top priority.
09:55It was a charity game.
09:57I passed to King Kenny and he said,
10:00Chief, you couldn't hunt pro.
10:03Yes, I admit, mistakes were made.
10:06But they were someone else's mistakes.
10:09I learnt later that I am only one of seven people in the country who are privileged enough to call King Charles the Chuck Star.
10:18Excellent work, De Grey.
10:19We're flying.
10:20Now, moving on to one of the most famous cases in my long and distinguished career,
10:25when I single-handedly arrested notorious gang leader and psychobam, Wee Toldo McLeish.
10:32Wasn't that D.I. McPherson?
10:34No? No, why'd you say that?
10:36Well, because I played McPherson in a BBC Two adaptation about that whole...
10:41Oh, that was a terrible series.
10:43Shocking research.
10:44Honestly, one call to me and I put them straight.
10:47It was me.
10:48I've cornered Wee Toldo in his pilton lair in your own time.
10:54I could hear Toldo's distinctive voice from within.
10:58Oh, no, it's Meek.
10:59He's on his own, but Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
11:01Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
11:04Excuse me, De Grey.
11:05Sorry.
11:05Wee Toldo had a slightly higher voice than that.
11:09It was a wee bit more.
11:10Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
11:12Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
11:13Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
11:16Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
11:18One more for me.
11:20I'm really leaning to the nasal.
11:23Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
11:25Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
11:27Meek doesn't need backup, Ken.
11:29Meek's total barry and a swedge, Ken.
11:31That's the magic right there.
11:32Now, this next bit, I just wanted to check this is what Wee Toldo actually said.
11:36It's very specific dialogue.
11:38Well, I have a photographic memory.
11:39Total recall.
11:40OK, well, you've got him cornered.
11:41He's looking at ten stretch minimum.
11:43And in the middle of being arrested, he said...
11:44How it's written is exactly what he said.
11:49OK.
11:51As I cuffed him, the dodged rage considered my visage.
11:55I've only seen photos of you before, Meekleson.
11:58They're much better looking in the flesh.
12:01Now you're cooking, big boy.
12:03Sorry, Chief.
12:04Could I have a word?
12:04Oh, sorry.
12:06Two ticks do great.
12:07Keep it naio.
12:08Keep it naio.
12:10So what's the problem now, Muldoon?
12:12It's a skag shed.
12:13The trip tenement, the gear gah.
12:15The band bothy, yes.
12:16I'm finding it difficult to find the tone between supporting it
12:20and also pointing out we think it's pish.
12:22OK, Muldoon, I think what this calls for
12:25is the old tried and tested pro-con thumb slalom.
12:29Thumb slalom, sir?
12:30Yeah.
12:31Willing to support the initiative.
12:33Thumb up.
12:34Legitimate concerns.
12:36Thumb down.
12:37Need supporting data.
12:38Thumb in the middle.
12:40Don't just come out and say we support the initiative.
12:43Contextualise it.
12:45Do the fudge.
12:47Fudge it, aye, right, sir.
12:49Take my word for it.
12:50I have been thumbing for years.
12:54Mad Daisy.
12:55Shouldn't it be crazy, Daisy?
13:04Chief, just not quite sure how to pronounce this word here.
13:08Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:12Oh, no, that's quite straightforward.
13:13It's a bam for what school did you go to.
13:17Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:18Rising at the end.
13:19Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:20Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:21Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:23A little quicker.
13:24Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:24Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:25Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:26Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:27OK, let's jump.
13:28Break it down.
13:29Scoo-
13:29Scoo-
13:30J-
13:30J-
13:30O-
13:31A.
13:32Put it together.
13:32Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:33Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:34No, Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:35That's what I'm saying.
13:36I'm saying Scoo-ge-go-ay.
13:38Listen, I am fluent in bam.
13:40Oh, so am I.
13:41We had a bam-a-law coach on Irvin Welsh's crime.
13:44With respect.
13:45We're dealing with real policing here,
13:47not some fictional flim-flam.
13:50I learnt it at source,
13:52on the mean streets of Pilton,
13:53not doing a duolingo course
13:55in my suite at the Balmoral.
13:58Right.
13:59One more time.
14:02Scoo-ge-go-ay.
14:04Scoo-ge-go-ay.
14:08That's the one.
14:12Quit what we're ahead.
14:14The boy's seen better days.
14:16He's a couple years from Panto, this one.
14:18Eh, I can hear you.
14:21Talk back's open.
14:23Sorry, Tukri.
14:24I mean one of the Mega Pantos,
14:26the Hydro.
14:27You wouldn't be kicking about Kerkoddy.
14:29I make no apologies for the way I am.
14:34I'm sorry.
14:35That's just how it is.
14:37At the charity event,
14:39Bob McIntyre admired my drive and remarked,
14:42you could have turned pro, chief.
14:45This was 1980s policing.
14:48Did we sometimes use force?
14:50Yes.
14:51Did we sometimes bend the rules?
14:53Yes.
14:54But did we get results?
14:56Sometimes.
14:57OK, Tukri, with one eye on the clock here, we need to pick up the pace a little.
15:02But be sure to give this section the sensuality it deserves.
15:07And you're on time.
15:08As Barbara looked at me, I knew she had one thing on her mind.
15:15Cop-ulation.
15:16And I was a lucky cop.
15:19Dukri, I just wanted to check that you were comfortable with this level of erotica.
15:25I'm trained in sensitive scenarios at the workplace.
15:29I'm happy to act as an intimacy coordinator.
15:32He's fine.
15:33Dukri got the little fella out in a thousand kisses deep.
15:35This is base camp for Dukri.
15:38So you did.
15:39Erm...
15:39It's fine.
15:40I've got everything I need.
15:41I'm happy to push on.
15:44My resistance was futile.
15:49I gave myself utterly to Barbara.
15:52If my body was Edinburgh Castle, I surrendered it to this one woman invading force.
15:57She mounted my battlements, traversed my turrets, ravished my ramparts, went up my mound,
16:02and then she stoked my one o'clock gun.
16:05My cannon was cocked, primed to explode, bursting to boom, detonating hot balls of bliss.
16:13Barbara, my femme fatale.
16:16Barbara.
16:18Yes, he's here.
16:20Why is it Barbara?
16:22Because I sent her the manuscript to make sure she was comfortable with everything.
16:25Well, obviously I was going to...
16:27Why did you have to do...
16:28Er...
16:29Barbara!
16:32Hello.
16:32I've just finished reading your manuscript and I'm really not sure about some of it.
16:38Really?
16:39Why?
16:40It's very personal.
16:41Intimate.
16:42You describe our sex life.
16:44Yeah, but in glowing terms.
16:46You come out of it very well, very professional.
16:49And the physical descriptions?
16:51My nipples.
16:52Like two ripe in purpled cherries.
16:55Yeah, well look, listen to Dougray saying it.
16:58Dougray, would you mind?
17:00Her nipples.
17:01Like two ripe in purpled cherries.
17:05You happy now?
17:07Well, now that I hear it.
17:09Yes, it's fine.
17:10It's just that I was hearing it in your annoying, plummy, pompous voice.
17:15Paso profundo.
17:16Whereas Dougray's and the Lifflo's tones make it sound romantic.
17:20Let me speak to him.
17:23Nice to meet you, Dougray.
17:25Oh, so you're Barbara.
17:26Well, it's nice finally to put a face to the...
17:29The cherries?
17:29Aye.
17:31So how are you finding it?
17:33Inhabiting the people's chief.
17:35Well, I did play Moses, so...
17:38Yeah, he only had ten commandments, though.
17:42Look, we're running a bit behind schedule here.
17:45Dougray's got a flight to catch to get back to his wife.
17:50Carry on, Dougray, in your time.
17:53Barbara, my femme fatale, my Glaswegian goddess.
17:57Our passion was such that we didn't even attempt to tidy away the hotel binder of promotional leaflets
18:02for various borders attractions that littered the bed.
18:05I well remember, later that evening, peeling a two-for-one voucher
18:09for the St Boswell's donkey sanctuary from Barbara's sweat-drenched buttock.
18:15Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering...
18:19I'm sorry, Chief, could you get out of my eye, like?
18:23Yeah, is it maybe just a little bit too erotic with the principal in view?
18:28Aye, maybe you could step outside.
18:31Happy to do so.
18:32You wouldn't be the first man to feel diminished in my presence, Dougray.
18:40Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering the chorus from Blur's song, too.
18:47Woo-hoo!
18:52In Barbara, I knew I had found my forever girl
18:56until we got divorced in 2017.
18:59A very sensitive read, Dougray, especially the more startling metaphors.
19:06We aim to please.
19:08Aye, erm, before the Chief gets back,
19:11could we get that video for my sister just quickly?
19:13Two secs.
19:14Okay, hi, er, what's her name again?
19:17Daisy.
19:19And... action.
19:20Hi, Daisy, Dougray here.
19:23Just wanted to wish you all the best with your old nuptials,
19:26and if it doesn't work out, you know where to find me.
19:29Cut perfect.
19:30She is going to love that.
19:32And, er, Mr Scott, a selfie with your director?
19:35OK, OK, if everybody could just quietly and calmly make their way to the muster station.
19:43Sorry!
19:43Sorry, everyone, apologies.
19:46Apologies, my bad.
19:47False alarm.
19:49False alarm.
19:50My bad.
19:51I set it off by accident.
19:53I thought it was the soap dispenser.
19:55So, apologies.
19:59Probably just have to ride it out, you know.
20:03No point recording anything while this racket's...
20:13I think we're good.
20:15I think we're good.
20:16Do great.
20:17OK.
20:17Home stretch, chapter 19.
20:20The Tayside Steakout.
20:22Midnight in Monifeth.
20:28The boy for Scythe turned to me and said,
20:30I couldn't eat another pie if you paid me.
20:32Sorry, do great.
20:33Stop me there.
20:34The boy's from Dundee.
20:35I think it should be pay.
20:36I couldn't eat another pay.
20:38It's written pie.
20:39It said pay.
20:40I say pie.
20:41We pay to say pay.
20:42Well, you're no pie-mey enough to say pay.
20:44And the pie of his, you're talking shit.
20:47The boy for Scythe turned to me and said,
20:50I couldn't eat another pie.
20:51Sorry, sorry, do great.
20:53Hold it.
20:53There, probably.
20:55Yep, Justice Minister.
20:56Sorry, it'll be two minutes.
20:57Don't let him say pie.
20:59No pie-ing.
21:00I'm reading it on the website now.
21:02The Scottish Police Force fully supports
21:04the government's safe drug consumption facilities,
21:07providing a safe space where people can safely consume drugs
21:10in the presence of trained health professionals.
21:12But any burnout junkie, fuds and jekies
21:16are reminded that anywhere else in Scotland
21:18is business as usual.
21:20And then some.
21:22Sir, that's me away.
21:24I trust an amendment will be forthcoming?
21:26Yes, apologies, Minister.
21:28A little bit of a glitch at our end.
21:30Auto-correct's going a little bit haywire.
21:32But we'll sort it out.
21:33Don't you worry, Minister.
21:36Fuds and jekies.
21:37Thumb up, thumb down.
21:38I'm just thumbing it.
21:39Well, you're thumbing too hard.
21:41Pull out, pull back.
21:42More and middle thumb?
21:43Yeah, less.
21:45Now, sort it.
21:45So just take one photo with a thistle symbolising the Earth's precious resources.
21:55Have you ever heard of a pressure group called the Carbonistas?
21:58I do care passionately about the planet.
22:01It's just that all my charity work is done through my early agents.
22:06Right, Dougory, we'll pick it up from...
22:07Oh, um, Dougory, this is my daughter, Ellen.
22:12Ellen, a word, please.
22:15Why are you here?
22:16Dougory has been in some big-budget films with massive carbon footprints.
22:20If he came out as anti-ear travel, that would be...
22:23What's he going to do?
22:24Tweet about it on the Calmac ferry crossing from our dross on the Sunset Boulevard?
22:28Forget Dougray.
22:30Target some proper A-listers.
22:32Oh, do you want to show me your BAFTA chief or your Emmy?
22:35Beat Cop of the Year.
22:3891 to 93.
22:39National or regional.
22:44Midlothian.
22:46Right, I'll see you later. Come on, we've got a lot to do.
22:49Do you not want to stay for your mention?
22:51My mention?
22:52Aye, well, when you were a baby, you threw up on the chief's dress uniform,
22:55so you had to go and meet Nelson Mandela in his shirt sleeves.
22:58Styled it out. Nelson went shirt-no-jacket, too.
23:01It was a minor triumph. It was the front page of the Sunday Herald.
23:04That's it. That's my mention. One puke.
23:07Um, Mikkelsen Ellen threw up on father's jacket, page 47.
23:14No, no, there's whole sections you haven't seen yet.
23:17Oh.
23:17All about you.
23:18In fact, we're about to record them now.
23:21Aren't we, Dougray?
23:22You've got children, right?
23:27Aye, three. Twins and the wee fella.
23:29And do you improvise?
23:31Oh, it's with my skill set, if the situation's urgent.
23:34The situation is urgent.
23:37Jesus, Chief. Do you want me to write your book now as well?
23:40Well, I'd be really grateful.
23:44I can't guarantee a writer's credit, though. Sorry.
23:48And so, the baby that I loved from the moment I set eyes on her
23:55grew up to be an inspirational young woman,
23:58a firebrand, a passionate activist
24:00who cares about our precious planet.
24:05I could not be prouder of my daughter.
24:09I have known many triumphs as a man and as a chief,
24:14but the, um...
24:16the greatest achievement of my life
24:19is simply being a father.
24:22To Ellen.
24:26I'm gone.
24:27I think that's the chapter I'm most proud of having written.
24:31It's almost like someone else wrote it.
24:33Well, I like to vary styles.
24:36Thanks, Dad.
24:38Thanks, Duggery, for that reading. Beautiful.
24:42And a nice preamble to the big Mandela meeting
24:45and my shirt sleeves triumph.
24:47Right, come on, everyone. Chop, chop.
24:49I kept in touch and every year on his birthday
24:52I sent Nelson Mandela a tin of Moffat Toffee.
24:56OK, that's chapter 22 done.
24:58Chapter 23, go!
25:00Oh, that'll be my gear for the hen night.
25:03OK. Duggery, go!
25:05Throughout my life, I have broken bread with royalty
25:08and ragamuffins alike.
25:10That's the statement sorted and approved, sir.
25:12Two thumbs up for the thumb slalom.
25:14Ah, good to know, but we're up against it here, Muldoon.
25:17Honestly, it's turning into the Mission Impossible.
25:20That's where I know you from.
25:22I thought you were Obi-Wan Kenobi,
25:24but that's that other rag.
25:26Ah, pure loved Mission Impossible, by the way.
25:28But can I ask, who was your armourer?
25:31Because, see, your stance, it should be a little so.
25:34No?
25:35Thanks for the feedback.
25:35I'll be sure to tell Tom.
25:37Tom?
25:38Cruz.
25:38Oh, weeboz.
25:39Oh, that's right.
25:41Everybody in Hollywood calls them weeboz.
25:43Ah, well, if you'd done your stance right,
25:45you might actually shot weeboz at the end of MI2.
25:47Muldoon, thank you very much,
25:49but Tempus Fugits, if you could.
25:51The Royal Story.
25:53Action.
25:55Murrayfield was rocking.
25:57Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
25:58This royal anecdote could be problematic.
26:01Oh, problematic, how?
26:03We might have to redact her identity.
26:05She is a fairly well-known royal.
26:08Um...
26:08Paul, we really need to go.
26:11Hi, everybody.
26:12Chief, I'm sorry, Daisy Spencer.
26:14I need to head off.
26:16Right, Gugury, just, er, just redact her name, okay?
26:20Royal Story, action.
26:22Murrayfield was rocking.
26:24Scotland had secured a glorious victory,
26:26and leading the sing-song high in the stands was redacted, Anne.
26:31Actually, no, hearing it, Diggory, it's not right.
26:33Let's go with the princess redacted.
26:36No.
26:37No, that is it.
26:38I am done.
26:39What do you mean done?
26:41You're not done.
26:43I have worked with difficult directors.
26:45Autocrats, tyrants, dictators.
26:46I've been naked on a muddy swap at minus two degrees.
26:49I've trained for six months to be a boxer.
26:50Wrestled crocodiles.
26:52I've kissed Bobby Carlyle.
26:53I've done my own stunts for 26 hours straight with wee boss crews,
26:55but nothing, and nobody, has ever given me this level of shit.
27:01Diggory, Diggory, we've still got 45 minutes left.
27:05Three chapters to go.
27:06We can fit it all in if you speak really fast.
27:08We can slow it down in the edit.
27:10Look, it's about all the crimes in the future that now will not be committed.
27:12That's my legacy, that's Meagelsonism.
27:14How about this?
27:15I go to the airport, have a nice chill down there on third press A in the lounge,
27:17then got on my flight to LA.
27:18I'm walking.
27:19You do that, and I am straight on the phone to Fergus at the publishers.
27:25Fergus, my old school friend, Fergus.
27:26Fergus, my best man.
27:27Fergus, the guy that I agreed to do this big favour for.
27:29That Fergus.
27:30What are you talking about?
27:31Do you really think I'd agree to have my name associated with this dog girl?
27:35Ah!
27:35Are you, er, are you going through town, Mr Scott?
27:37Could you drop us at the voodoo lounge?
27:40There's two chances of that, Paul.
27:42None.
27:43And fuck all.
27:43Right.
27:44For another 500 quid, we could have got Big Jerry Butler.
27:53My friend knows the wee tubby guy on breakfast radio.
27:58I need someone with my sense of intelligence, command, gravitas.
28:06Cometh the hour, cometh the meek.
28:13I was born in the Royal Hospital for the Incurably Handsome in 1972.
28:21As I entered the world, every bam in the land felt an involuntary shudder of fear course through their body.
28:29It's all about you, baby.
28:37It's all about you.
28:40It's all about you.
28:41It's all about you.
28:45Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew.
28:51So I told you with a smile, it's all about you.
28:59It's all about you.
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