- 7 hours ago
The Chief - Season 2 Episode 4 - The Van
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Are you telling me that 70% of our drones don't work in the rain?
00:06Well, they do now. We attach little umbrellas.
00:10Good work, Muldoon.
00:12Well, thank you very much, everyone.
00:15Now, Chief, I just wanted to check how you were holding up under the investigation.
00:21Oh, it's not an investigation, Lindsay, no.
00:24No, just as part of my contract renewal,
00:26the police federation are conducting a cursory cheque into my past.
00:30Why would they do that, sir?
00:31Well, to reassure the Scottish public that their police force are beyond reproach.
00:36It was on my recommendation, actually,
00:38after we renewed Malcolm Maguire's contract.
00:42Bent Malcolm.
00:44Excellent policeman, first rate,
00:45but he was selling stolen goods on Facebook Marketplace, so...
00:49We should have seen the clues. I mean, we are the police.
00:52Yeah, well, hindsight's 20-20, Muldoon.
00:56Anyway, it's a formality. A box tick.
01:00Got it, sir.
01:01No. No winking.
01:03This is a wink-free scenario.
01:05It's purely protocol.
01:07Protocol. Understood.
01:09No, don't... No nose-tapping.
01:12Listen, sir, if something comes up in your past,
01:15say you left the boot in for too long.
01:17We've all done it. Different times.
01:19I will back you, gaffer.
01:21I'll make sure and keep it zipped.
01:23Look, don't zip. No zipping.
01:26My character and conduct are beyond reproach.
01:29That's good to know, sir.
01:31If that's a supportive wink, then...
01:33I accept that wink.
01:36You'll squish it, Chief.
01:37There's no Wallace behaviour in your past.
01:40Oh, Greg Wallace.
01:41The pudding boy.
01:42No, absolutely not.
01:45I respect women of a certain age.
01:47Of all ages.
01:49All women.
01:50All people.
01:51But particularly all...
01:53women...
01:54people.
01:56Thank you, women people.
01:58That will be all.
01:59Morning, Cameron.
02:16Ah, Lachlan, Belinda.
02:18Beautiful day for paddle.
02:20You should join us one day, Cameron.
02:22Oh, I'd love to.
02:23I've just got to get my head round
02:25whether it's little tennis or big ping-pong.
02:28Oh, one thing.
02:30Have you managed to talk to your daughter yet, Abud?
02:41This country is a joke.
02:42You end up in court over nothing.
02:44Nothing.
02:44The system is rigged.
02:45It's unbelievable.
02:48Court, eh?
02:49To be honest,
02:50she's on first-name terms
02:52with most of the staff down there.
02:53So's our daughter.
02:55Oh, well, then you know what I'm talking about.
02:56Kids, eh?
02:57Of course you love them, but...
02:58She's an advocate.
02:59Oh, right.
03:00She's a...
03:01Oh, she's Samantha Bannerman, Crawford.
03:03Right.
03:04Well.
03:04Well done.
03:05Good for her.
03:06Good for you.
03:07Tacking back to the matter in hand.
03:10The van.
03:12We don't want her to get rid of her beliefs.
03:14Of course not.
03:15She's young.
03:15We were young.
03:16We get it.
03:16We get it.
03:17We were all there.
03:18Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
03:19Out, out, out.
03:21And I boycotted South African orange juice.
03:23And even today,
03:24I listen to kneecap on Spotify.
03:27The van.
03:28It was a major topic
03:30in the last Residents Association meeting.
03:32Major AOB.
03:34Well, so much AOB
03:35that the AOB had AOB.
03:37And the AOB was the van.
03:40Can you see where we're coming from?
03:42I understand, Lachlan.
03:44I grew up a mere faded nine iron from here.
03:48The only van in our cul-de-sac
03:50delivered Longestine oysters
03:52and hand-dived scallops.
03:54I'll have a word with her.
03:56She was talking about driving to China
03:58to help the Uyghurs anyway.
03:59Or driving to Cardiff
04:01to see the Ezra Collective.
04:02Either way,
04:03it's maybe time
04:04to go with the tyres press.
04:06Well, that's great news.
04:07Oh, we're having a BBQ this week.
04:10Would you and Ellen like to join us?
04:11Oh, it would be delighted, yes.
04:14Any dietary requirements?
04:15Well, Ellen is a strict vegan.
04:18But to compensate,
04:19I'll eat anything that bleeds.
04:25I can't believe
04:27you'd rather cosy up to a slave owner
04:29than stand up for your own daughter.
04:31What?
04:32He's a Bannerman Crawford,
04:35tobacco lord,
04:36plantation boss,
04:37slave owner.
04:38He's not a slave owner.
04:39His ancestors, maybe.
04:42Hundreds of years ago.
04:43His wealth is inherited.
04:46It's tainted.
04:47You can't jump someone purely
04:49on their ancestors.
04:50Otherwise, you'd be
04:51Scotland's greatest cop.
04:53I'm also striving for justice.
04:55Historic justice.
04:57Please.
04:59These are my people.
05:00I belong here.
05:02Well, I'm not going anywhere.
05:04Can't you just park your principles
05:06for five seconds?
05:08Nope.
05:08I literally can't go anywhere.
05:11You're tagged?
05:12I'm under curfew order.
05:14Can you pay the fine?
05:15For what?
05:16For providing vital historical context.
05:20All right.
05:21So you vandalised a statue.
05:23Great.
05:23So now,
05:24I'm not only your father,
05:25I'm your jailer.
05:26But my own daughter,
05:29tagged like a cheap bottle
05:31of Vaudy and Tesco's.
05:34Unless you pay the fine.
05:36No, no.
05:36That is a red line
05:37I do not cross.
05:39You got into this situation,
05:41you get out of it.
05:43Now,
05:43I need a couple of rounds
05:44of a poise.
05:45Get yourself down
05:46to Charlie's Cheesemonger...
05:47Right, I'll go.
05:55Thought they would have completed
05:56their background check by now.
05:59What's keeping them?
06:00Oh, you know what
06:00the police federation I like,
06:02Chief?
06:02Dragging their heels.
06:03I've said it before,
06:04I will back you, sir.
06:06If you've dangled
06:07a wee radge
06:07out a ten-storey window,
06:09we've all done it.
06:11Now you're doubling up.
06:12The wink and the nose tap
06:13don't double up.
06:15My behaviour is
06:16and always has been exemplary.
06:18I think you should know
06:18that a few of the boys
06:19have been saying
06:20that maybe something
06:21nefarious has came to light.
06:22No smoke without fire.
06:24No stink without keach.
06:26No smoke, no fire.
06:27No stink, no keach.
06:29OK, sir.
06:30I will work
06:31to shut the rumours down.
06:32What rumours?
06:33Well, I'm not saying
06:34there's anything behind it,
06:35Chief, but, uh,
06:37bigamy.
06:37Bigamy?
06:38I can't even get one wife.
06:40Have you heard this, Muldoon?
06:41No, sir.
06:42Good.
06:43I heard you were selling
06:44dodgy manjaro
06:45on the dark web.
06:45Oh, for a chance of that.
06:47Just shut these rumours down, Muldoon.
06:51And, Lindsay,
06:51see if you can find out
06:52why the Police Federation
06:53are taking so long.
06:54Scan the horizon
06:55for smoke signals.
06:57Chief,
06:57can't say that.
06:59Is this yours?
07:14Certainly not.
07:15Well, when there is an investigation
07:17into your historical behaviour...
07:19A routine protocol box tick.
07:22And I am sent this anonymously,
07:24then it is logical to conclude
07:25it's from some kind of whistleblower.
07:28Logical?
07:28Hmm.
07:29Someone trying to tell me
07:30that the Chief behaved inappropriately
07:33at the Christmas party.
07:34You didn't for a moment
07:35think that maybe someone
07:37was trying to tell you
07:38that you're an arse?
07:41So, I suppose that is plausible as well?
07:44Or maybe someone saying
07:45we're making an arse of running the country?
07:48I can't believe you thought
07:49that was mine.
07:50Mine has heft and definition.
07:53I'm Michelangelo's David,
07:55not some slack-arsed saddo
07:58from accounts.
07:59Well, we need you
08:01to sort it out, Chief.
08:03Tamp down the rumours
08:04that are getting out of hand.
08:05What have you heard?
08:07Selling stolen goods
08:08on Facebook Marketplace.
08:09No, that's bent, Malcolm.
08:11You've got your scandals mixed up.
08:13Not that there's a scandal
08:14involving me.
08:15It's tittle-tattle.
08:16I'm having to defend you
08:17to the First Minister.
08:18There's nothing to defend!
08:21Well, take some jalebes if you want,
08:23my nephew just got his HGB licence.
08:28Send them my congratulations.
08:30So, Ellen, why the bracelet?
08:49I vandalised a statue
08:51on Hunter Square.
08:52What?
08:53Giving it vital historical context.
08:56It's a Bannerman Crawford.
08:58It's one of ours.
08:59One of yours.
09:00Don't worry about the statue, Ellen.
09:02That old bastard
09:03blackened the family name.
09:05I'll join you next time.
09:08That's not funny.
09:09It's not funny.
09:11All of this was paid for by slavery.
09:14Hardly.
09:15I'm a senior partner
09:16with Anderson, McGrory,
09:18McLeish and Matheson.
09:19I earn my own money.
09:21Slavery created a system
09:22of wealth accumulation
09:24for slave owners
09:25and their descendants.
09:26You know, I do find myself
09:28conflicted.
09:29We give back what we can.
09:31I soup kitchen
09:33and I litter pick
09:34on the meadows.
09:36Charity doesn't address
09:37the root cause
09:38of social problems.
09:39You know, you're just a...
09:40A ha!
09:41Caff you time!
09:43Sadly, yes.
09:45Let's get you home
09:46before you start buzzing
09:47like your table's ready
09:48at the Toby Carberry.
09:52Look, look, look.
09:53I am sorry
09:55that you don't like
09:56staring at my van,
09:57but I don't like
09:58staring at slavery terrors!
10:00Yes, slavery terrors.
10:01That was her favourite
10:02Enid Blyton
10:02when she was a little girl.
10:07It's their family history.
10:08Can't you just look
10:09the other way?
10:10What?
10:10Like they won't
10:11with my van?
10:11What are you looking for, Chief?
10:24I'm trying to find out
10:26if my neighbours
10:26have a legal right
10:27to remove Ellen's van.
10:29Title condition
10:30Scotland 2003, AXA.
10:32Ah, thank you, Muldoon.
10:36Did you ever have
10:37troublesome neighbours?
10:38Not too bad now, sir,
10:40but when I was wee,
10:41one boy stoved
10:42in her wall
10:43and nicked her telly.
10:44But it was
10:45a World Cup qualifier,
10:46so fair play to him.
10:47He suffered plenty
10:48in the end.
10:49Retribution.
10:51Scheme justice.
10:52Norway beat us 4-0.
10:55Dodgy neighbours, eh, sir?
10:57Do you want us
10:57to go and pay them
10:58a visit?
10:59Ah, don't start that.
11:01We don't need
11:01to bring a wink
11:02into this.
11:02We could speak to them.
11:04Hey, hey, hey!
11:05No, no stop either.
11:07Paul!
11:07Any emails
11:09from the Federation?
11:11All quiet
11:11on that particular front, sir.
11:13It's a box tick.
11:14Why the delay?
11:15Were you one of the dwarves
11:16in the Christmas Panto 93?
11:19Did...
11:19How do you know that?
11:21Reddit forum.
11:22There's a discussion on you.
11:23It was a different type.
11:26Somebody also says
11:27that they saw you
11:28scanning apples
11:29as tatties in Lidl.
11:30Who'd start a Reddit forum
11:32on me?
11:32I did.
11:33Well, I thought
11:35I'd smoke out some info.
11:36Plus, I've been adding
11:37some positive stuff
11:38under a variety of aliases.
11:40Such as?
11:41He's a confident
11:41and impressive tipper.
11:43I have personally
11:44seen him stroke a puppy.
11:46He looks very distinguished
11:47in the lambent evening light.
11:49I mean, all of this
11:49is true, Paul.
11:50I don't know.
11:51A Reddit forum,
11:52I think it's counterproductive.
11:54When you're trying
11:54to smoke something out,
11:55you don't go barging
11:56in with a flamethrower.
11:58Close it down.
11:59Got it.
12:00Come chat, car, attack.
12:08Urgh.
12:10Come chat, car, attack.
12:14Urgh.
12:16Attack.
12:16Attack.
12:17Attack.
12:18Attack.
12:21Surrender?
12:22No.
12:23No, actually.
12:24Let's just take a break.
12:25We'll come back to it.
12:27My luck's got to change soon.
12:28I'm surprised you even
12:30play this game, Ellen,
12:31you know?
12:31Empire building,
12:33subjugation,
12:34warmongering.
12:35I've got to do something.
12:37I'm so bored
12:38kicking around the place.
12:40Stuck with you.
12:41Well, straight back at you, kid.
12:43I'm stuck with you too.
12:44It is worse for me.
12:46I'm young
12:47and you're half dead already.
12:50People at your age
12:50are meant to be
12:51stuck at home
12:52moaning about interest,
12:54rates and
12:54falling asleep
12:55during reruns of
12:57bargain hunt.
12:58I am
12:58years
12:59from retirement,
13:00young lady.
13:04Unless they find
13:05something.
13:08Come on,
13:09let's
13:09place a beauty.
13:10Keep my mind off things.
13:11Come on.
13:12I don't get it.
13:13It's so
13:14random.
13:15How do you make
13:16them kick?
13:17How many times
13:18have I got to tell you
13:19they don't kick?
13:21You flick them.
13:22Flick them.
13:23And you flick
13:24the goalie too.
13:25No, you
13:25kind of
13:27you stab
13:28you kind of
13:28wiggle and stab
13:29wiggle and stab.
13:31This was like
13:31Xbox for boomers.
13:33Very popular in my day,
13:34Alan.
13:35We also had
13:36rugby and cricket.
13:37Nothing for the
13:38lasses, of course.
13:39My poor wee sister.
13:41She happened to
13:41pretend that
13:42Donald Ford
13:43and Drew Busby
13:44were Torval and Dean.
13:45What if they
13:57have found
13:57something?
13:59Oh God,
13:59what would I do?
14:01What sort of
14:02job would I
14:03get at my age?
14:04Uncle Jeff
14:05went back
14:05to work at
14:06Iceland.
14:07From proudly
14:08guarding a nation
14:09to freezing my balls
14:11off, stacking
14:11fish fingers
14:12in a walk-in
14:12chiller?
14:12I don't
14:14think so.
14:15You could
14:16probably make
14:16a living on
14:17the lecture
14:17circuit.
14:20That's more
14:21my speed.
14:22Yes.
14:23The lecture
14:24circuit.
14:25I thought the
14:26chief's speech
14:27was very good,
14:28Sheena.
14:28Yes, so did I,
14:29Margaret.
14:30He's really
14:30kept his looks,
14:32hasn't he?
14:33Kept them.
14:33If anything,
14:34he's better
14:34looking.
14:37Oh.
14:38Are you all right,
14:39Dad?
14:39Oh no,
14:40it's the
14:40Bannerman Crawfords.
14:43They're on the
14:43attack.
14:44We might have
14:45to join forces.
14:46Your 50
14:47battalions
14:47and my one
14:48piece.
14:49Come on.
14:50So,
14:51Residence
14:52Association last
14:53night.
14:53We done with
14:53the AOB of
14:54the AOB
14:55when a spot
14:56of AOB
14:57came up.
14:58Let me guess.
14:58The van
14:59and a possible
15:00solution.
15:01Ellen,
15:03Blinda and I
15:03are firmly of
15:04the opinion
15:04that charity
15:05begins
15:06at home
15:07and under
15:08the circumstances.
15:10The Crescents
15:10have clubbed
15:11together
15:11and we're
15:13happy to
15:13pay your
15:13fine.
15:15Oh,
15:16so you're
15:16going to
15:16buy me
15:17like you
15:17bought your
15:18slaves?
15:19Oh,
15:19not that
15:19again.
15:20Come on,
15:21please just
15:21take it.
15:22Taking your
15:23blood money?
15:24The passion
15:25of you.
15:26One man's
15:27blood money
15:27is another
15:28man's
15:28legitimately
15:29inherited
15:30lagee,
15:30Ellen.
15:31I can't
15:31be bought.
15:32Well,
15:32that'll be a
15:32first for
15:33your family.
15:35What's that
15:35supposed to
15:36mean?
15:36Oh,
15:36come on.
15:37It's all
15:37over the
15:38Crescent.
15:38It's only
15:39a rumour,
15:39lackey.
15:40You're being
15:41investigated
15:41for taking
15:42kickbacks.
15:43Who told
15:44you that?
15:44Samantha
15:45works with
15:45a clerk
15:45who knows
15:46a chef
15:46who works
15:47in chambers
15:47and he
15:48overheard
15:48an MSP
15:49talking to
15:49the procurator
15:50fiscal.
15:51It's a
15:52box-ticking
15:53obligation
15:53as part
15:54of my
15:54contract
15:55renewal.
15:56Please,
15:57just take
15:58the money.
15:58Some of
15:59the residents
15:59are getting
16:00worried about
16:00house prices.
16:01This is a
16:01pinnacle
16:02of postcodes
16:03after all.
16:04Did you
16:05make this?
16:06No.
16:07Because it's
16:07not polite,
16:08is it?
16:09If it was
16:09polite,
16:10it would
16:10say please.
16:11Please,
16:12just move
16:13it.
16:13Please!
16:14We don't
16:15want it
16:15here.
16:16People are
16:17upset.
16:18Husbands and
16:18wives are
16:19falling out.
16:19Belinda and
16:20I are
16:20falling out.
16:21Mingus
16:22Radford
16:23Brooks is
16:24in his
16:24bed,
16:25right there,
16:26dying.
16:27Dying.
16:27do you
16:28understand?
16:29He's
16:30in that
16:30house,
16:31lying in
16:31his bed,
16:32and his
16:32dearest
16:33wish was
16:34that the
16:34last thing
16:34he would
16:34see would
16:35be his
16:35beautiful
16:36cornicing.
16:37His
16:37beautiful
16:38Victorian
16:39cornicing on
16:39his spacious
16:4015-foot
16:41ceiling.
16:41But no,
16:42the last
16:42thing you'll
16:43see is
16:43not his
16:44beautiful
16:44cornicing.
16:45It'll
16:45be that
16:45bloody
16:46van!
16:47Well,
16:47maybe you
16:47should take
16:48some of
16:48your
16:48legitimately
16:49inherited
16:50largesse
16:51and buy
16:51him some
16:52blackout
16:52blinds.
16:53Ellen!
16:55You have
16:56tried your
16:56best.
17:02Lindsay,
17:03any news?
17:05Any updates?
17:06Are you
17:06okay?
17:07I want you
17:08to feel
17:08supported.
17:10How's your
17:10mental health?
17:11Well,
17:11currently not
17:11great.
17:13This delay,
17:13it just
17:14doesn't make
17:14any sense.
17:16My character
17:17and conduct
17:17are beyond
17:18reproach.
17:19Can you
17:20think of
17:20anything,
17:21anything at
17:22all from
17:22your past
17:23that might
17:23be a bit
17:23dodge?
17:26The only
17:27thing I
17:28can think
17:28of is
17:30that time
17:30I misgendered
17:31one of the
17:32police dogs.
17:33How do you
17:34misgender a
17:34police dog?
17:35What is
17:35easily done?
17:37It was the
17:37Canine Bravery
17:38Awards at
17:39Linlithgow
17:39and I just
17:40hung the medal
17:41around Shadow's
17:42neck and I
17:42referred to him
17:43as one
17:43hell of a
17:43brave bitch.
17:45His hand
17:46are not
17:46best pleased.
17:47Check before
17:48you speak,
17:49Chief.
17:49It's the
17:50golden rule.
17:51I'm the
17:51leading
17:51law enforcement
17:53officer in the
17:53land.
17:54I can't be
17:54crawling around
17:55on all fours
17:56lifting the
17:57tail of every
17:57Alsatian I
17:58come across.
18:00It's easier
18:00with horses.
18:02I've never
18:02misgendered a
18:03horse.
18:03Well, no,
18:04because they're
18:04bits and pieces.
18:05They're head
18:05height, aren't
18:06they?
18:06You can't miss...
18:06They're staring
18:07you in the face.
18:08Yeah, you can't
18:09miss...
18:09No.
18:11So, yeah,
18:12well, it can't
18:12have been that
18:13because I...
18:13I would have
18:14been told.
18:15Okay, well,
18:17keep your ear to the
18:18ground.
18:20You hear
18:20anything, get
18:21on the jungle
18:22drums.
18:22Chief.
18:23Hmm?
18:24You can't
18:25say that.
18:25Oh, no.
18:26Yeah, sorry.
18:30I am never
18:31going to that
18:32canteen again.
18:33It's like running
18:34the gauntlet.
18:35Rumors flying
18:36like I'm Indiana
18:37Jones dodging
18:39the blow darts.
18:40Oh, here comes
18:41the chief.
18:41Oh,
18:41oh, oh, oh, oh.
18:42Son.
18:52Oh, no.
18:53That's dice.
18:55Gambling.
18:56Yeah.
18:57Just go home.
18:59Relax.
18:59I can't go home.
19:02They'll be waiting
19:02for me.
19:03Oh, Cameron,
19:05have you found
19:06the time to move
19:06the van yet?
19:08I thought the
19:09crescent would be
19:09my haven,
19:11my sanctuary.
19:12Can't you just
19:13move the van?
19:15Well, if I
19:16move the van,
19:17then Elm thinks
19:17I'm a fascist.
19:18And if I don't
19:19move the van,
19:19then my neighbours
19:20think I'm a communist.
19:22Ah, I just wish
19:23that bloody van
19:25would disappear.
19:28Sir,
19:29I need you
19:30to authorise raids
19:31on organised
19:32crime gangs
19:33and suspected
19:33drug boats.
19:35Some of these
19:36are months away.
19:37Aye, well,
19:38Justice thought
19:38we should get
19:39authorisation
19:40just in case.
19:41Just in case of what?
19:42The
19:43investiga-
19:44Sorry.
19:46Cursory background
19:46check is
19:47dragging on.
19:49There's succession
19:49planning.
19:51Behind my back.
19:52Worse,
19:52in front of my front.
19:53Belt and braces,
19:54I'm sure, sir.
19:59This has all
20:00worked out
20:00rather well
20:01for you,
20:02Muldoon,
20:02hasn't it?
20:03What do you mean, sir?
20:04Oh, I'll shut down
20:05the rumours, sir.
20:06Maybe you started them.
20:08I have never been
20:09anything
20:09but supportive
20:10of you, sir.
20:16Did the Federation
20:17question you
20:18about me?
20:20Yes.
20:21What did you say?
20:23That's confidential, sir.
20:29In my years
20:30of service,
20:31I have never
20:31witnessed
20:32even a suggestion
20:33of inappropriate behaviour
20:34from the
20:35Chief Commissioner.
20:36hard-working,
20:37loyal.
20:38He's an
20:38inspirational leader.
20:40No wink?
20:41No wink.
20:43He's dedicated
20:44his life
20:45to public service.
20:46He's a
20:47consummate
20:47professional.
20:50Consummate
20:51as
20:51two M's.
20:54Muldoon.
20:54Thank you, sir.
20:56Oh, no.
20:58Thank you,
20:59Muldoon.
20:59Thank you,
20:59Muldoon.
20:59Thank you,
20:59Muldoon.
20:59Thank you,
20:59Muldoon.
21:00Thank you,
21:00Muldoon.
21:01Thank you,
21:01Muldoon.
21:03Thank you,
21:06Muldoon.
21:07Thank you,
21:08Muldoon.
21:09Thank you,
21:10Muldoon.
21:11Thank you,
21:11Muldoon.
21:12Ellen,
21:13what have you done now?
21:14Nothing.
21:15Two cops turned up
21:16and covered up my van.
21:17I thought it was your idea.
21:18No.
21:19Oh.
21:19Oh.
21:20Paul.
21:21Do you like the tent,
21:25Chief?
21:26Problem solved.
21:27Obviously.
21:27I appreciate it,
21:29but I...
21:31Oh.
21:32Lachlan.
21:33Belinda.
21:34What do you think?
21:36Are you happy now?
21:37It looks like there's been a murder.
21:39Or worse,
21:40the SNP have moved in.
21:42Out of sight?
21:44Out of mind?
21:45Now,
21:46Mingus can see out his final days
21:48in the company of his beautiful cornicing.
21:51I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this,
21:54but the Residents Association have authorised me
21:56to take next steps.
21:57What do you mean next steps?
21:59Breaching a title condition
22:01in the Title Conditions Scotland Act 2003.
22:05Expect to hear from our lawyer.
22:10Legal action, eh?
22:11Now they're threatening legal action
22:14against me,
22:15the People's Chief.
22:17All because of you
22:18and your bloody van.
22:20Right.
22:21That's it.
22:22I'm done.
22:23I'm paying your fine.
22:25You don't need to.
22:26My period of monitoring ended two days ago.
22:29I'm a free woman.
22:31Can leave when I like.
22:33Well,
22:34why haven't you?
22:35Oh,
22:36I'm not letting the Crescent win!
22:39Oh,
22:40the sky is blue,
22:42the grass is green
22:43and the Crescent
22:44always wins!
22:46What do they want now?
22:56Cameron,
22:57is there anything I should be worried about?
23:00Anything
23:01I should prepare myself for?
23:03Was our whole marriage a sham?
23:08Are you gay?
23:09I'm not gay!
23:11Well, there was that guy
23:12that time in Magaluf, remember?
23:15We went to the wrestling together.
23:17Big Frank?
23:19I think this is projection, Barbara.
23:22You were the one getting on
23:24the slather sun lotion on your back.
23:26I couldn't reach.
23:27And you were asleep,
23:29snoring away the latest
23:30John Grisham sliding off your belly.
23:33Barbara,
23:34you've got nothing to worry about.
23:38You're stressed.
23:40Maybe it's time to step back,
23:42step down.
23:43Oh,
23:44no.
23:45This whole thing has made me realise
23:48that I need to work.
23:50I'm not ready for retirement.
23:53Being trapped by the Crescent.
23:57A life of barbecues
23:59and a nice pork pie and a pint
24:01before wandering down to Murrayfield
24:03and gallery openings.
24:05And, oh, you must come and stay
24:07in our divine villain, Tuscany.
24:10And, oh, there's an extraordinary production
24:13of the steamy at the Traverse.
24:16And petty little disputes about a van.
24:21My world has shrunk, Barbara.
24:23From leading a proud nation's crime-fighting force
24:27to a petty little dispute about a van.
24:37It's the Justice Minister.
24:39Oh, well, they've obviously found something.
24:41I mean, if it was good news, he'd tell me in person.
24:45No, it's bad news by email.
24:48Dumped by text.
24:50New boob job Insta.
24:52This could still be good news, Cameron.
24:54I'm an innocent man, Barbara.
24:56And I've been brought down by trumped-up charges.
25:00Cameron.
25:01Cameron.
25:02Man up.
25:03Whatever it is.
25:04Face it.
25:13Hello, Minister?
25:16What's that?
25:17Sorry, you'll...
25:18Could you speak up?
25:19There's a bit of a commotion at my end.
25:22It looks like the press.
25:24I...
25:25Sorry.
25:26What was that?
25:27Could you say that again?
25:30Say again?
25:32I am delighted that you are all here to save you coming down to headquarters
25:38for the announcement that the routine box tick protocol glimpse has concluded
25:45and I am fully exonerated.
25:48My character and conduct are beyond reproach
25:52and you will be delighted to hear that I am to continue in my position as the chief.
25:58Your chief.
25:59The people's chief.
26:01So why did it take so long?
26:03A simple misunderstanding.
26:05Malcolm Maguire, or Bent Malcolm as the Fourth Estate have christened him,
26:10named his six-bedroom Marbella Villa Mikkelsen Mansions.
26:14This was a disrespectful dig at myself and not, as the police federation wrongly assumed, a tribute.
26:22I was never on the hook.
26:26It's not that it's not not proven.
26:28I am not guilty.
26:30Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
26:33No, no, please, please, please.
26:35I have a nation to police.
26:38Thank you very much.
26:40Now that you're actually leaving, well, gonna miss you.
26:51Gonna miss you too.
26:53But it's time.
26:55Best I leave you with your people.
26:58What if these aren't my people?
27:01What if your people turned out to be someone else's people?
27:04Maybe you're my people.
27:05I am your people, Dad.
27:08But trust me, these are way more your people.
27:12Bon voyage, Ellen.
27:14Is it the Uyghurs or the Ezra Collective?
27:17Oh, both.
27:18I'm working the charity stall outside the gig.
27:20Well, have a great trip.
27:22Here.
27:23Have some of Belinda's ricacha for your journey.
27:26Oh!
27:27Erm, is this the one that's laced with the truffle oil from...
27:31Pyroman, yes.
27:33Yes.
27:34Erm, no thank you.
27:36Er, they use Legato Roman Yolo dogs to find the truffles.
27:39Erm, so, yeah, it's exploitative.
27:44So, I'll, erm...
27:46I'll find a parking space for the van down at the station.
27:49When you're back.
27:56Good luck.
27:57Thanks, Dad.
27:58Oh!
27:59Oh, come on!
28:00Oh, come on!
28:01Oh, come on!
28:02Oh, come on!
28:03I'll pop down to Charlie's Cheesemonger's and get some poise to go with that for catch-up.
28:08Oh!
28:09Oh, come on!
28:10Oh, come on!
28:11Oh, come on!
28:12Oh, come on!
28:13Oh, come on!
28:14Tell you what.
28:15I'll pop down to Charlie's Cheesemonger's and get some poise to go with that for catch-up.
28:20Oh, come on!
28:21Oh, come on!
28:22I'll pop down to Charlie's Cheesemonger's and get some poise to go with that for catch-up.
28:26Beep!
28:56Beep!
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