- 9 hours ago
The Chief - Season 2 Episode 3 - New Justice Minister
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Short filmTranscript
00:00So, Officer Numbers, how's recruitment?
00:07A recruitment drive focusing on a more diverse workforce
00:10hasn't quite had the returns we hoped for.
00:13Really? Despite our excellent poster campaign?
00:16If that doesn't say diversity, I don't know what does.
00:23Perhaps it doesn't quite reflect that diversity
00:27is more than just race and gender.
00:29OK. Well, maybe for all future diversity drives
00:33we should make our definition of diversity more diverse.
00:37Personally, I don't care where they come from.
00:39As long as they can bench press 220
00:41and chase after the wee bam that dipped your purse.
00:44It's all about budget. We can't go to the moon on a two-barbed rocket.
00:48Don't worry. Justice will understand.
00:51Targets, they're an ideal objective.
00:54If there's one thing the Scottish Government knows about,
00:56it's missing targets.
00:58There's been a cabinet reshuffle. Nadeem's out.
01:04Oh, morning, Chief.
01:14Hello, Helen. Nice to meet you.
01:18Actually, we've met before.
01:20Oh, have we?
01:21Yes, at the Visibility for Women conference.
01:24Oh, yes. So we have. I remember now.
01:29Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there.
01:32Just didn't hear her.
01:33Thank you so much. Um...
01:35Helen.
01:36Helen, thank you.
01:37Hail to the big fish.
01:43Ah. I know they just got used to you in justice.
01:47And now, here you are in your watery grave.
01:51That is your largemouth bass, Chief.
01:53Freshwater, Ray Fend, part of the Sunfish family.
01:57Well, I am impressed.
01:59I am a quick study, Chief.
02:01I take a saw on Halwa.
02:02Oh, we're not celebrating this, are we?
02:05Ah, why not?
02:06Look on the bright side.
02:07I mean, Fisheries is the only department I haven't run yet.
02:10Well, I mean, I had it as part of farming and ferries, but never solo.
02:14Anyway, enough about fish.
02:16Ah, unless you want to pop down to the Balmoral,
02:18and move down a few old, ah, both smokies.
02:20Oh, I would love to.
02:22But I've got to go and meet your replacement.
02:24What's he like?
02:25McGuck.
02:26Young.
02:27Ambitious.
02:29Ruthless.
02:30Any tips?
02:32Aye.
02:33Be straight, white, privileged, and powerful.
02:36I'll do my best.
02:41That's your only one o'clock call.
02:43Gudmund, a Gudmundsdottir, my Icelandic counterpart.
02:46Pickled herring, import quarters, that's my life now.
02:49Let's try and enjoy it.
02:51Enjoy yours.
02:52Aye, sir.
02:57Gudmund, Gudmund, Gudmundag.
03:01Christ's sake.
03:09Ah, Chief.
03:10Come in.
03:11I'm just finishing a tanky perwock.
03:14Well, delighted to meet you, Xander.
03:17Minister.
03:18Then I prefer stand-up meetings.
03:20Oh!
03:21Well, as do I, Minister.
03:24Big fitness man myself, particularly off the national game, the gauf.
03:29Maybe we could hit the links sometime.
03:30Don't golf.
03:31I'm a squash guy.
03:32Ah, love squash.
03:34I'll book us a pitch.
03:35Room.
03:36Square.
03:37Court.
03:38Let's park the BS.
03:39Yeah?
03:40Ah, Chief.
03:41Does your police force want a bigger budget?
03:46Bigger?
03:47What, bigger as in?
03:50More.
03:51What?
03:52More than before?
03:55Well, obviously we would very much welcome...
04:00So just to clarify, by more, do you mean more?
04:07More money?
04:08More funds.
04:09Look, we want to back the bobbies and the bee, okay?
04:13To protect the Scottish people.
04:14But we've got to work to a zero-sum budget.
04:18Well, yes, of course, that goes without saying.
04:21Remind me, a zero-sum budget is...
04:24Well, we strip out the fat, build up the muscle, get lean, justify every penny of spend.
04:31Just a word of warning as regards the budget.
04:35There are...
04:36There are a lot of code words in there, you know, for security reasons.
04:40I mean, pastries, for example.
04:42Pastries doesn't actually refer to pastries.
04:44Together, we'll ditch anything unnecessary.
04:48I mean, why hug a hoodie when that hoodie should be huggled?
04:52Yeah?
04:53This...
04:54This is Project Proper Policing.
04:58Yeah.
04:59And this project gets a proper police endorsement.
05:03Right.
05:07Well, yes, I will book the squash table.
05:10Pitch.
05:11Room.
05:12Square.
05:13Court.
05:14Ha!
05:17Minister!
05:22You recently came top in a nationwide survey of public-funded bodies.
05:27Do you feel valued at work?
05:29Every penny I spend goes towards nabbing the wee FUD that pissed through your letterbox and set fire to your bins.
05:35I do greatly value your work.
05:38Both of you.
05:39But we...
05:40We have to find trims somewhere.
05:43If we're going to justify our bigger budget, we need to pinpoint where we might find unjustified spend.
05:50Your lunch from the seafood shed.
05:52Ah!
05:53Sorry, it's late.
05:54And they apologise, but the hand-dived scallops are fine.
05:57Ah!
05:58I'll slum it.
06:06Team, carry on.
06:07Cuts.
06:08Cuts, cuts.
06:09Justify.
06:10Justify.
06:11Justify.
06:12So, with a new broom in the Cabinet, is it time then to tackle the unnecessary use of police funds?
06:20Unnecessary is a pretty strong word, Connie.
06:24We channel every public penny towards vital police initiatives.
06:29Really?
06:30Okay.
06:31I've got a direct quote here from your new Justice Minister who says,
06:34Chief Commissioner Mickelson agrees with me that there is a lot of waste in the police budget
06:39and shares my desire to slash unnecessary spending.
06:43Did...
06:44Did he say that?
06:45Did...
06:46Did he say that I said that?
06:47Did you say that he said that I said that?
06:49He said it 20 minutes ago in a TV interview.
06:52Well, I welcome your question about what I said, Connie.
06:58And when it comes to what I said, I would never actually say that I never actually said
07:05that.
07:06Saying that sort of thing is exactly the sort of thing I would say if I were saying something
07:13like that.
07:15So you did say what he said you said?
07:18What I will say is this.
07:21The Justice Minister and I are committed to saying a whole raft of things in the future.
07:27Prioritising keeping all spending non-profligated.
07:34Come on, Chief.
07:35I thought you were a squash man.
07:36Jeez.
07:37Good shot.
07:38Minister, you're set.
07:39Yeah.
07:40Whoo!
07:41Whoo!
07:42Whoo!
07:43That was some proper squashing.
07:44Ergene Connie's show.
07:45You were getting your arse handed to you there as well.
07:47She did serve me a pretty curvy curveball, you know.
07:49I didn't actually say what you said I said.
07:53What does it matter?
07:54If I say you said it, then you said it.
07:55I didn't actually say it, you know.
07:56There are such things as fact.
07:57There's no such things as fact.
07:58There's no such things as fact.
07:59Right?
08:00The truth is fluid.
08:01Right?
08:02Just get our message out there.
08:03Yeah.
08:04Well, next time just warn me what messaging you want out where and when.
08:07Yeah.
08:08Project proper policing.
08:09Backed by project proper budget.
08:12Yeah.
08:13F.
08:14F.
08:15F.
08:16Yeah.
08:17F.
08:18Yeah.
08:19F.
08:20F.
08:21F.
08:22Yeah.
08:23F.
08:24F.
08:25F.
08:26F.
08:27F.
08:28F.
08:29F.
08:30F.
08:31F.
08:32F.
08:33F.
08:34F.
08:35F.
08:36F.
08:37F.
08:38F.
08:39F.
08:40F.
08:41F.
08:42F.
08:44F.
08:45F.
08:46F.
08:47I am the Ozempic of budgetly planning.
08:49Transforming us into a lean mean crime-fighting machine.
08:53Oh yeah.
08:54F.
08:55F.
08:56F.
08:57F.
08:58F.
08:59F.
09:00F.'
09:01F.
09:02F.
09:03F.
09:04F.
09:05Come on, where are the big fat wads?
09:09Ditch whole departments.
09:10Whole departments?
09:11Well, we're a tightly integrated unit.
09:14We're a family.
09:15A family?
09:18You're the police force.
09:20We agreed blood and thunder.
09:22Boots on the ground.
09:23None of this wishy-washy, touchy-feely, hand-holding pish.
09:30I've never seen diversity, equity or inclusion arrest anyone.
09:34Hmm?
09:35Okay, we'll look for trims in all departments.
09:40Yeah, get on it.
09:42We need this done by the next finance round, right?
09:44I'm a big fan of Momentum, Chief.
09:46Now serve.
09:48I'm a big fan of Momentum too, Minister.
09:50Oh, sorry.
09:58Okay.
09:59Now you're team, sir.
10:00Ah, ladies.
10:04Shift on.
10:06You okay, Dad?
10:07Yeah, I just...
10:09Ah, oh.
10:11Oof.
10:11Heard you on the radio.
10:12When are you going to find these cuts?
10:15Your salary?
10:16Well, you know, if it came to that, I'd certainly consider considering it.
10:20I know where you could save money by making cuts.
10:23Right.
10:24I'm open to suggestions.
10:26The police.
10:27Well, no bad ideas in a brainstorm, but we're thinking of first looking at the police choir.
10:33They'll come for DEI.
10:35They always do.
10:36Not on my watch.
10:37I am a fierce protector of progressive modernity.
10:42So, ladies, women, people.
10:45Who's tonight's author?
10:47Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
10:50Ah, yes, yes.
10:52Personal favourite of my lover work.
10:55Proceed.
10:55Is Chimamanda writing from a historical Marxist-feminist worldview, or do we bracket her in a more modern, intersectional, eco-feminist?
11:11Dad?
11:15Bit of both?
11:16Look at that, Paul.
11:21That's how much it costs to neuter all the dogs in the police force.
11:26It's counterproductive.
11:27Just let them breed, we'll get free dogs.
11:31What's the matter, Paul?
11:32Justice Department have been in touch.
11:34List five ways to justify your job.
11:37Ah, figurehead, law enforcer, justice dispenser, hero and icon.
11:42Not just you, it landed in everybody's inbox at 6am.
11:47Okay, okay.
11:49We've all got the email.
11:50It's just five things per staff member.
11:53We can cover that off, can't we?
11:55Forcing people to justify their existence is just plain wrong.
11:59It should be voluntary.
12:00I've already done 50.
12:0250?
12:02When?
12:03Battered them out in the exercise bike.
12:05And I'm about to batter out 50 more.
12:08Well done, Muldoon.
12:11Sorry.
12:1250?
12:13Lindsay, you've got more than five too.
12:16Just list them.
12:19Play the game.
12:20No, I'm taking a principled stand.
12:24It might be to your benefit and your departments.
12:29So they're coming for me, for us?
12:31No, no, no, no, no.
12:33No, no, I haven't heard that, no.
12:34No, there's been no indication of that whatsoever in any way at all.
12:38But if they did, you'd defend me?
12:40Lindsay, it's me.
12:43The people's chief.
12:45Your chief.
12:47Your department is vital.
12:49Life without you would be like a police car without its Nino.
12:53Five positive measures?
12:54What even is that?
12:55What even is this?
12:55What even am I?
12:56Why am I?
12:56Where is the what of the why?
12:57Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
12:59Listen.
13:00You do any number of positive things around here, okay?
13:04You answer the phone for the tea.
13:06Wait.
13:07I'll type that out before I forget.
13:08Okay.
13:09See what you've done.
13:10Look at him.
13:12Oh.
13:13Sorry, I forgot.
13:14That's why I came in.
13:15Nadim is on the line.
13:17Nadim?
13:17What does the Codfather want now?
13:22Fisheries Minister.
13:24He's coming now?
13:26I owe you some monkfish at the Balmoral for this.
13:30Everyone, listen up.
13:32McGuck's on his way.
13:33All hands on deck.
13:34I don't want any excuses.
13:49It's not required.
13:50It's not justified.
13:53Oh, Minister, although I wasn't expecting you.
13:56Yeah.
13:59Walk along, Chief.
14:00Some idiot put these posters up in your HQ.
14:06Muldoon, get those right in the bin.
14:10Now, since I'm here,
14:12any chance you could show me how you're spending Scotland's money?
14:15I'd be delighted.
14:19After the water cannon,
14:21we can look at the Riot Boys kettling.
14:23They tend to practice on their lunch hour.
14:26Oh.
14:28I'm sorry, I'm not wearing my hat.
14:30I...
14:31Apologies.
14:32Back to my office, everyone.
14:34Do we need it, sir?
14:35Well, of course I need my hat, Muldoon.
14:37This is the Justice Minister,
14:39not the photocopier salesman.
14:40He deserves to be treated with respect.
14:42It's fine, Chief. Let's kick on.
14:44Right. Are you sure about that?
14:45Because it is actually quicker, I think, Muldoon, isn't it?
14:47If we go back to...
14:49What's that?
14:50This is...
14:51Oh, this, I think, is an awards ceremony for bravery.
14:57One of our heroes recently punched a devil dog.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:00Wow!
15:06Well done!
15:08APPLAUSE
15:08So what's this, then?
15:12Oh, thank you for your interest.
15:14This is a team-building workshop.
15:17Right.
15:18So you're in charge?
15:19Yes, Lindsay MacLeod, head of...
15:21Many things!
15:22Many, many things.
15:24Diversity, equity and inclusion.
15:27And including those three things.
15:29Although we do refer to it these days
15:31as the Department of Danger, Energy and Instinct,
15:34which more clearly represents the work of the department.
15:36And these are serving police officers.
15:39Yes, they are.
15:40So while one partner is blindfolded,
15:43the other provides instructions.
15:45The challenge is to get through the obstacle course
15:47and then pick up all these wee ping-pong balls
15:49and pop them in the buckets.
15:51Trust!
15:53Yes, the more that the police trust in each other,
15:55the more the public trusts the police.
15:58Yes.
15:59So, the water cannon.
16:01And what are these?
16:04Oh, no, these are for our empathy sessions.
16:06Our officers develop their emotional intelligence facts.
16:09How it spares money?
16:11Going on what?
16:12Messing about with ping-pong balls and teddy bears.
16:16Er, no, that's not correct.
16:18No?
16:19No.
16:20Some of them are bunnies.
16:23Chief!
16:24Chief!
16:25Look at me.
16:27I really want to support the police with a bigger budget.
16:30Mm-hmm.
16:31But for that to happen...
16:34Heads must roll.
16:35Yeah.
16:36I mean, heads are already rolling, Minister.
16:39We've already let Big Tam go.
16:42Watching the canteen, he was so slow,
16:43putting the tattie scones in the rolls.
16:46Get out of here!
16:47Chief!
16:49It is crystal clear what this organisation doesn't need.
16:53You are a police force.
16:56Not a therapy service.
17:00You know what you need to do, Chief.
17:04Come on.
17:04Come on.
17:06Come on.
17:06You said you would support me.
17:12And I did.
17:13Until, well, certain circumstances arose that somewhat forced my hand.
17:18I...
17:18Well, you're about to find out what life is like without your knee-knop.
17:23Look, you've done all that you can here.
17:26We're sorted now.
17:28Brand new.
17:29Look, it's temporary.
17:32Look, McGurk...
17:32Look, McGurk.
17:34McGurk won't be here forever.
17:36Remember when the Justice Minister was from...
17:39was from the Green Party,
17:40and we all had to cycle to work,
17:42and only eat kale burgers, hmm?
17:44We're going to have a memorable farewell bash for you.
17:47One for the ages, eh?
17:50What can I do?
17:53It's McGurk.
17:54He's the boss.
17:55And he's gone tonto.
17:57Chief,
17:58if I could just correct you one last time,
18:02I don't think you can say that.
18:03Our priority is protecting the Scottish people.
18:15Our zero-sum budget,
18:16identified savings in DEI,
18:18and we had no alternative but to take action.
18:21So, Chief Commissioner,
18:23shuttering the police force departments
18:24of diversity, equity and inclusion,
18:26is that a necessary step to protect the Scottish people?
18:29Why did you say that?
18:31Because you did.
18:32No, I didn't.
18:33We've just played the clip.
18:35No, you haven't.
18:36But we did.
18:37Well, I didn't hear it,
18:38and I'm sure your listeners didn't either.
18:41This is typical legacy media manipulation.
18:45Take something that doesn't exist,
18:47play it,
18:48claim that it does exist,
18:49and then blame me when I point out that it doesn't.
18:51Well, I'm not playing along.
18:53Chief Commissioner,
18:54the Scottish people deserve not to be lied to.
18:56I'll tell you what the Scottish people deserve.
18:58They deserve safer, crime-free streets,
19:01and that is what I intend to deliver.
19:04Perhaps you should concentrate on that, Connie,
19:06rather than semantics.
19:11That's me away, Ellen.
19:12I've put the oven timer on for your mini-Kievs.
19:15Kiev.
19:16Sorry, mini-Kievs.
19:18Where are you going?
19:19Oh, I'm just popping to Lindsay's leaving due.
19:23You've sacked your head of diversity.
19:25Well, no, no.
19:26She's diversified into non-employment.
19:31Rickle hard enough,
19:32and you can justify anything.
19:35So, ladies,
19:36women,
19:37people,
19:37who's tonight's author?
19:40Is it another Chimamanda?
19:41The legend of Faust,
19:43a mortal man with noble intentions,
19:46who sells his soul to Mephistopheles
19:48for earthly pleasures
19:50and selfish short-term gain.
19:52But finds only guilt, torment and misery.
19:57You should try Ken Follett.
19:59Fellow officers and support staff,
20:11we're here to say goodbye to Lindsay McLeod,
20:16a loyal and indec...
20:18loyal servant of the Scottish police force.
20:22But, well,
20:23it's on to pastures new for Lindsay,
20:25and I just know that she will thrive
20:27wherever she goes.
20:29And now someone else will get the benefits
20:31of her awareness seminars
20:33for the Gaelic language.
20:36So I just wanted to say...
20:38But we're not just here
20:47to bid a fond farewell to Lindsay.
20:51No, we are here
20:52to celebrate her many achievements.
20:53Only last month.
20:56I know a lot of us
20:56benefited from her
20:59menopositive and perimenopositive workshops.
21:03I personally am now very perimenopositive.
21:06For a man that is an inclusive and supportive thing.
21:10To be.
21:11It's not your concern any longer, though.
21:13You don't have any skin in the game.
21:15Can I...
21:16Can I say that?
21:18Sounds a bit slave-y, doesn't it?
21:20It's not, I'm sure.
21:22I think it's probably from golf.
21:24Or is it...
21:24Oh, it's basketball, is it?
21:26But either way, it wouldn't do, would it?
21:28It wouldn't do to be a bit slave-y
21:30at the leaving-do for the head
21:34of my diversity, equity, and inclusion.
21:39You're not going to help me.
21:40And that's fine, Lindsay.
21:42That's fine.
21:43I respect that, you know?
21:46Sell me down the river.
21:47Oh, no, that one is a bit slave-y.
21:49Sorry.
21:50Yes.
21:51Look, enough of me.
21:53Let's hear from the main man herself.
21:55The woman.
21:56Person.
21:58Lindsay MacLeod.
21:59Definitely.
22:06Thank you to everyone
22:08who has supported me here
22:10and has been a friend to me.
22:12This song says
22:13everything I want to say.
22:15She'll be fine.
22:32She'll thrive.
22:33More than thrive.
22:36And we've got our bigger budget.
22:37Sign-off is imminent.
22:39And that's good for the police.
22:41We are pure muscle.
22:43No fire.
22:44You know when you see
22:46two dogs
22:47shagging
22:48down by the canal
22:49and the back dog's legs
22:51are shaking
22:52and he's straining
22:54and his thighs
22:55are pure,
22:56smooth muscle?
22:58That's us.
23:01We won't change our logo to that
23:03quite yet, but...
23:04...but...
23:05and the lovely call.
23:07Good night and joy
23:11be with you.
23:15Woo!
23:19And this next song
23:21is for everybody else.
23:23This is
23:24Suck My Fury
23:26by Hate Pusher.
23:27Paul!
23:33Suck My Fury!
23:35Suck My Fury!
23:37Suck My Fury!
23:45Kimberly?
23:46You're on the right side of history, Chief.
24:13Who knows what we can achieve
24:14now we've got rid of those clowns.
24:17Yeah, this is only the beginning.
24:19So,
24:20what's your next move,
24:22killer?
24:23Ah.
24:24My next move is for Lindsay.
24:27I'm bringing Lindsay back
24:28and
24:29her department.
24:30That was a good one, Chief.
24:37Lindsay.
24:39Wait.
24:41What?
24:41You're being serious?
24:42Yeah.
24:43DEI
24:44never arrested anybody.
24:46There's more to policing
24:48than arrest.
24:49Bullshit.
24:50The Force
24:51is arrest.
24:52Who's in the name?
24:53The Force.
24:53Yeah.
24:54The Force
24:54is also
24:56about
24:56people,
24:58community,
24:59support,
24:59and respect.
25:00And what's so wrong
25:01with people,
25:02community,
25:02support and respect?
25:03Save it for your leaving speech.
25:05You know,
25:05I'll have your arse
25:06for this.
25:08I'll send you to Thurzo.
25:09Oh, Thurzo!
25:11That's very nice.
25:12I like Thurzo.
25:13Do you know what I like most about Thurzo?
25:14It's golf course
25:15and
25:16oh,
25:16you're not there!
25:17So I won't have to listen
25:18to your
25:19Billy
25:19Big Bollocks
25:21bullshit
25:22and your
25:23zero-sum budgets
25:24and your slogans
25:25PPP.
25:26You
25:27are a
25:27proper
25:28petty
25:29prick.
25:30You know,
25:30I thought you had
25:31bollocks,
25:31Mikkelsen.
25:32Yeah?
25:32I need a man
25:33to run my police force.
25:35A proper
25:35alpha.
25:36A stag.
25:38A bull.
25:38Not a feeble
25:39beat a cuck.
25:40Ah,
25:41shut up and
25:42serve my
25:42guck.
25:43It's
25:43Minister!
25:44Oh my God.
25:56ambulance.
26:00Ambulance.
26:04Ambulance.
26:05Ambulance.
26:05Ambulance.
26:07No.
26:09Paul.
26:12Paul!
26:13What time has the budget signed off
26:14in committee?
26:15Any minute, Chief.
26:16It should be on the website soon.
26:17OK, Paul.
26:18Let me know.
26:19I'll hold.
26:20OK.
26:22We've actually booked this court.
26:24Sorry.
26:25Well,
26:26just one minute
26:27with one final rally.
26:29We're
26:29almost there.
26:34One minute.
26:37Anything, Paul?
26:38Still nothing.
26:39Nope.
26:40Won't be long.
26:41Hell of a rally.
26:44Oh, wait.
26:46Wait,
26:46that's it confirmed.
26:47OK.
26:48The budget's increased.
26:49Yes.
26:50More money.
26:51Thank you, Paul.
26:51Yes.
26:53Oh,
26:54I get an ambulance here
26:55as soon as possible.
26:56I'll explain later.
26:58Will do.
27:00Oh, no.
27:01Oh, no,
27:02it's collapsed.
27:03Help.
27:09Is it hanging?
27:11You can't say that, Chief.
27:14McGirt looks so fit.
27:16But then,
27:17not all vulnerabilities
27:18are visible.
27:18I heard about McGirt
27:20arriving here in that,
27:21but
27:21at least the turbo tasers
27:23have arrived.
27:25Power
27:25to the police.
27:30Good to see you're back.
27:31I'm hosting a seminar
27:33this afternoon.
27:35Empathy in the workplace,
27:36you interested?
27:38Aye.
27:39Sign me up.
27:41I'll be there.
27:54Ah!
27:56There he is.
28:00Back where he belongs.
28:02Terrible news about McGark.
28:06Terrible.
28:06All thoughts at this time.
28:08And the nation is grateful to you
28:10for providing continuity
28:12and accepting your old job back.
28:14A little welcome home gift.
28:17Oh.
28:18So,
28:19are we going for lunch?
28:20Monkfish was mentioned.
28:21My treat.
28:23I'll put it on expenses.
28:25There's plenty in the budget.
28:26I'm blue.
28:27I'm blue.
28:27I'm blue.
28:28I'm blue.
28:28I'm blue.
28:29I'm blue.
28:29I'm blue.
28:30I'm blue.
28:31I'm blue.
28:31I'm blue.
28:33I'm blue.
28:33I'm blue.
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