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00:30Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Kiri Pritchard-McCrave!
00:52Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
00:56Hello! What an audience!
01:01Do you know what I love about this is, I'm really proud, I started doing comedy in the north-west of England
01:06and I came up through working men's club, yes, look at that, they're going to be fighting in the car park
01:11and I will be there watching.
01:14But I'm so proud of that, because I came up doing comedy doing working men's clubs and weekend comedy clubs
01:19and if you've never been to a weekend comedy club, I'll paint the picture for you.
01:23It's everyone you worked hard at school to get away from, now on cocaine.
01:27That's the vibe!
01:28This is a very nice gig for me, I'm not used to turning up to gigs as nice as...
01:32I mean, turning up and standing outside the Hammersmith Apollo, unbelievable, right?
01:36Because often I'll turn up to a gig and there'll be a dog outside vaping.
01:39That's the level of gig I'm used to, but there's some money in the room here, I can smell it.
01:48There's people in this room who have a garden at the front and the back
01:51and a fridge in neither.
01:55So, I'm from North Wales, I moved back there, I moved back there when I wanted to start a family
02:08because that is what Welsh girls do when they want to start a family.
02:13We moved back to Wales, we're like salmon in that respect.
02:17Swim upstream to lay our eggs.
02:19What you do is, you move back to Wales, you marry the least threatening man you know.
02:25You bang out a couple of kids and you grow into your leggings.
02:28That's the Welsh way, that is.
02:31Yeah.
02:33But I've like, I've never really been sure if that's the right thing for me.
02:35Can I tell you the thing that happened that made me start to feel like I wanted a family?
02:40And I'm not, it's a bit medical, I'm not going to be too graphic.
02:44But basically, one day I woke up and I was having chronic abdominal pains, let's say that.
02:51They were getting worse and worse throughout the day and it got to the point
02:54where I didn't feel like I could stand up anymore.
02:56And I phoned, like, NHS to write, I spoke to a nurse on the phone, she's absolutely amazing.
03:00She taught me through all my symptoms and it turns out that I was, um, hungry.
03:08No idea what that feeling was.
03:12Do I tell you what, a massive thing that sort of put me off becoming a mum, um, is seeing mums.
03:18And I know there's a lot of you in just trying to have a nice night and forget about it,
03:26so I will say the thing that you're not allowed to say, which is, that looks absolutely dogshit.
03:31Oh, being a mum looks the worst.
03:34Uh, to clarify, I would be a dad in a heartbeat, of course I would.
03:38But being a mum, it looks so unrewarding.
03:41The only job I can think of, which has a similar sort of lack of job satisfaction is,
03:45you know there's that guy whose job it is to paint the Golden Gate Bridge?
03:50And when he gets to the end, he just has to go back to the start again.
03:53It's like that, but the bridge calls you an old bitch when it's 15.
03:56There's loads of reasons why I've been really scared about starting a family, a biological family.
04:05Um, like, I know I'm too, I'm scared of giving birth.
04:08I'll be honest, I'm scared of giving birth, but also I'm scared of being pregnant.
04:11I know that's not right for me.
04:13Do you know how I know?
04:15I know how I feel after a big tea.
04:19I've not got nine months of that in me, if I'm completely honest.
04:22And also, all my friends, who are most like me, who are white, privileged, able-bodied,
04:30cis, university-educated feminists, who've had children, have turned into weapons-grade
04:36cock-hens since it's happened.
04:38Oh, there's a group of them in particular, I call them speaking as a mothers.
04:44It's going to get uncomfortable in here, because I can sense there's some in.
04:48I can smell the Lucy and Yak in the air.
04:52You know these people.
04:54Speaking as a mother, I just worry that World Book Day has lost its meaning.
05:02Speaking as your mate, I'm going to kick you in the head in a second, so...
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06This is my group of friends I argue the most with, right?
05:09I had a fight with one the other day.
05:11So she said to me,
05:13I just think you, as a childless woman, cannot possibly care as much about the climate and the planet as I do.
05:23Ever since having Cordelia.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26I just want people to be tense in here.
05:30I change names when I'm on stage.
05:32But not that one.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:35Yeah.
05:36And I know she'll watch this.
05:40And that's OK.
05:43Cos I want her to know, I think your kid's a bellend.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47I don't know.
05:48I don't know.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Topping it back.
05:55It can be a key stage one bellend, as it goes.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59Ever since Cordelia came along, I understand it is my job
06:03to protect the planet for the next generation.
06:06And I appreciate what she's saying, but she's saying it to me.
06:09I am a farmer's daughter who, for the last nine years,
06:13for environmental reasons, I've been vegan.
06:15I just think, come back to me when you've given up bacon, you twat.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:20That's where I am with it.
06:24Oh, no, I had a fight with another one the other day.
06:26I say another one, it's all the same woman.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:28And I want to say, I don't think for a second
06:32that having children doesn't absolutely change everything, right?
06:35Your perspectives, your priorities.
06:37But she acts like when the head came out,
06:39enlightenment followed it.
06:42And I've known her a very long time,
06:44and she's basically exactly the same person she was
06:46when we were 19 and getting hammered
06:48in car parks on Lamborghini, right?
06:50She's the same person, she's just got a kid now.
06:52I mean, I would argue her life with a baby at the moment,
06:55very similar to those years.
06:57It is.
06:58She's staying up till three o'clock in the morning,
06:59trying to get a disinterested guy to suck on her tits.
07:02That is the same life.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:05APPLAUSE
07:07I'm glad you like that,
07:13cos I worried I'd lost you by admitting I was a vegan.
07:16It does happen, it does happen.
07:18Because I get it, you know,
07:20I get the sort of perceptions of people who are vegans.
07:22And let me tell you, I did it for environmental reasons,
07:25but also health reasons, I'll be honest.
07:26And I'll tell you what, when I went vegan,
07:28it was maybe, like, two, maybe three weeks,
07:32and I instantly felt better than all of you.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36It's very quick to happen.
07:40Do you know what?
07:40There's a...
07:41There's a thing I know I would do.
07:43If I had biological children,
07:44I know I would do this,
07:45cos all my friends who are privileged like me,
07:48they all fall into this trap.
07:49You may have noticed this happening amongst people you know.
07:52that there's this weird secret competition
07:54amongst privileged women
07:55to give birth with as little pain relief as possible
07:58and then sort of brag about it on social media afterwards.
08:02It makes me feel uncomfortable.
08:03I think it's internalised misogyny.
08:05And here's how I know it's going to happen.
08:06The man in the couple,
08:08cos it's only ever cishet couples that do this,
08:10the man in the couple will put up a status saying,
08:13we're pregnant.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:18I'm like, you?
08:20Ah, fuck all.
08:21Let's be honest.
08:24In six years' time,
08:25you're every other boxing day.
08:28LAUGHTER
08:29I'm coming for the dance.
08:36Oh, it's very uncomfortable.
08:38I'm going to see someone dressed as Batman
08:40up on that balcony in a minute.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:43So they put up this status, right,
08:48to say, you know, they're expecting a baby,
08:49and then about six months later,
08:50they'll do another social media post
08:52to let you know that baby's arrived.
08:53And it's always the same thing.
08:54They put up a picture of the baby,
08:56but they only ever use one of two pictures.
08:57I've noticed this.
08:58They either go for a full action shot of the birth,
09:02you know, where the baby's being, like,
09:03hauled out and it's covered in poached egg.
09:06LAUGHTER
09:06I'm like, that's a lot, I wasn't expecting that.
09:09Or they go the other way,
09:11and they put a picture up of the baby,
09:12all sort of cleaned up, asleep,
09:14very cute, with a little hat on, very sweet.
09:16We all know why it's got a hat on.
09:18Weird head.
09:19We all know.
09:21We know it's filling to the bubble.
09:23You're not fooling anyone there.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26And underneath this picture
09:28will be a nine-paragraph
09:30magnum opus of horse shit
09:33from this utter cock end, right?
09:36And it'll start something like this.
09:38Wow.
09:40Yes, he has got a top knot, you're right.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:43Wow, I thought I respected Tabitha before.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47But, uh, what a warrior.
09:56They love that phrase, don't they?
09:58What a warrior.
09:59And I love that phrase
10:00cos it kind of paints the picture
10:01that Tabitha, whilst giving birth,
10:03has been doing it the whole time
10:04with a knee up on a rock,
10:06just...
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07..looking to the east
10:09with a broadsword in her hand.
10:11Of course that hasn't been what's happening.
10:13She's been very busy giving birth.
10:14What has been happening is
10:15he has been stood there
10:16openly weeping
10:17as a Coldplay album plays on repeats.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:20And he hasn't got a broadsword,
10:22but they have given him a little net
10:24to get the poos out of the paddling pool.
10:26That's his job.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:26LAUGHTER
10:28What a warrior.
10:34Baby Ophelia.
10:36Came into this world
10:37at six minutes past ten in the morning.
10:41She weighed six pounds,
10:42eleven ounces.
10:44I don't know why we are still using
10:46that unit of measurement for children.
10:48That is no good to me
10:50cos I do not want
10:51to defrost your baby.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54And do you know what?
11:00Also, this is so bad,
11:01but I'm so arrogant.
11:02I've never seen the weight of a baby
11:03and haven't immediately thought,
11:04I could poo that.
11:05I could poo it!
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07You call her Ophelia,
11:09I call the day after recovery.
11:10That's what's going on there.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13She weighed six pounds,
11:15eleven ounces.
11:17It was an 86-hour labour.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20And she did it all
11:21with half a paracetamol.
11:22You what, mate?
11:25I need two to put my shoes on
11:27in the morning.
11:29Oh, I cannot stand it.
11:31Do you know why?
11:31I hate that it's rewarded.
11:32I'll say, your birth journey,
11:34your birth journey.
11:35You do whatever you want,
11:36but don't let anyone pressurise you
11:38into doing a way
11:39that isn't right for you.
11:40Not at all, right?
11:41Because there's nowhere else
11:42we do this.
11:42If you went into work on Monday
11:44and a man you work with
11:45wandered up to you
11:47and said,
11:47I had my gallbladder
11:49out on the weekend,
11:50and you said,
11:51God, that's awful,
11:51it must have been so painful.
11:53And he said,
11:53don't worry,
11:54I just bit down
11:55on a leather strap
11:56as nature intended.
11:59He'd be sectioned
12:00and rightly so.
12:03And I want to remind you all
12:04that, you know,
12:06Tabitha is giving birth
12:07in the United Kingdom
12:07where we are very lucky
12:08to have the NHS,
12:09where we have free healthcare.
12:10And if I were to have
12:11biological children,
12:13I would want to be,
12:16for free,
12:17off my fucking tits
12:18while I was happening.
12:20Yes, thank you.
12:21Yeah, thank you very much.
12:26You do you.
12:28I respect your journey.
12:30But mentally,
12:31I want to be off this planet,
12:32honestly.
12:33I've never really done drugs,
12:34so I'll just have a go,
12:35in my eye,
12:35up my arse,
12:36whatever's quickest.
12:38I want so many needles
12:39hanging out of me,
12:40I look like Kaplunk.
12:41That's the dream.
12:45So we're stuck in this bit,
12:46my partner and I,
12:47you know,
12:47we love kids
12:48and we kind of,
12:49you know,
12:49we've always imagined kids
12:50in our future,
12:51but we don't really want
12:52to be biological parents.
12:53And what happened is,
12:54we end up making an inquiry
12:56to our local authority
12:58about being foster carers.
12:59Now, how you do that
13:00is you phone the council,
13:03same number as the bins.
13:07That's not right, is it?
13:09You phone that number
13:10and you go,
13:11can I have a child, please?
13:14And they put you through
13:15to the right person
13:16and they send you
13:16on some courses.
13:17So, like,
13:18we went on a first aid course.
13:19Give me a cheer
13:20if any first aiders.
13:23OK, quite enthusiastic.
13:25That is not how I feel
13:26about first aid.
13:27How I feel about first aid
13:29is how I feel about tit wanks.
13:34In that I can do it.
13:38I'm qualified.
13:39But I'm not thrilled
13:43if anyone asks.
13:46And if it's in the local pool,
13:47that is off the table completely.
13:48We're not doing anything.
13:51I'm sorry,
13:51because I know some people
13:52have brought, like,
13:53their mum here
13:53and they've had to sit
13:54next to their mum
13:55while I tell a joke
13:55about a tit wank
13:56and it's very uncomfortable.
13:58But you know she's done one.
14:04Don't clap.
14:05That's what it sounded like.
14:08Do you know what?
14:09It was really fascinating,
14:10this first aid course.
14:11We had to do a bit,
14:12because it's paediatric first aid.
14:13We had to do a bit online first.
14:14That was the hardest bit.
14:15You're watching all these videos
14:16of child actors
14:18openly laughing
14:19as they get put
14:20into the recovery position.
14:22And I couldn't take it in
14:23and I realised why it was.
14:24I used to be a drama teacher
14:26and I've never cared
14:27if a child actor
14:29has lived or died.
14:30That was...
14:31That was the issue.
14:34So then we do the practical bit.
14:35Very useful.
14:36We learn about
14:37how to use defibrillators.
14:39You know those
14:39doof things?
14:40They're amazing.
14:41We have them in phone boxes
14:42where I live in rural Wales
14:44instead of hospitals.
14:45That works very well.
14:49Fascinating fact
14:49about defibrillators.
14:50If you have a heart attack
14:51in public
14:51and you're near a defibrillator,
14:53you're much more likely
14:54to survive
14:54if you are a man.
14:57This is absolutely true.
14:59I'm telling you
14:59this is a public service
15:00announcement
15:00and it's because
15:01defibrillators to work,
15:03the pads,
15:03they've got to go on bare skin
15:05and people will be
15:06doing the first aid
15:07on a woman.
15:08She'll have collapsed
15:08and to access that bare skin,
15:11they would need to
15:11take off her dress
15:12or her top
15:13and the people doing it
15:14basically just panic
15:15and go,
15:16leave or die with dignity,
15:18I think.
15:22And I am telling you now
15:23as a woman,
15:25very clearly
15:26with a public heart attack
15:27in the post,
15:29if I am around you
15:31and I drop down
15:32and you are near
15:32a defibrillator machine,
15:34please, guys,
15:34whip them out.
15:37Please, honestly,
15:38my two favourite things
15:39are I live
15:40and everybody sees my tits.
15:41I'll be thrilled.
15:50So we did all these courses
15:51and then we had to be
15:52assessed by a social worker.
15:54We got asked so many questions,
15:55questions I haven't been asked
15:56in years.
15:56You know what I was asked?
15:57What is your educational attainment?
16:00I was like,
16:00oh, God,
16:01okay,
16:01I have a 2.1
16:03in contemporary theatre practice.
16:06Yes,
16:07from the University of Salford.
16:10And when I checked the form afterwards,
16:12he'd written N.A.
16:16Fair.
16:17Yeah, fair.
16:18So we did this assessment
16:21and then we went to panel
16:22and this group of experts said,
16:25yeah,
16:25okay,
16:25you can be foster carers.
16:26I'm very proud to say
16:27for the last four years,
16:28my partner and I
16:29have been local authority foster carers
16:31and we've been providing respite care
16:32so that's short breaks and stays.
16:34I always have to,
16:35thank you so much.
16:36Oh,
16:37that's lovely.
16:43I always have to say
16:44that it's respite care
16:45because otherwise people are like,
16:47where's the kid now?
16:49On the merch stand crying
16:51if you don't buy anything.
16:53Walk past,
16:54explain why they can't have dinner tonight.
16:55Go on.
16:57Now,
16:58the reason why I always want to talk about
17:00being a foster carer on stage
17:02is because we have 100,000 young people
17:04in the UK in foster care
17:06which is the highest it has ever been.
17:07It's been going up every year for a decade
17:09and foster carer families are falling
17:12and I want everyone to consider it
17:13because it is a very,
17:15very broad church
17:16and I'm going to use a recruitment phrase
17:19that they use back at home in North Wales
17:20and I think I've spotted the error
17:23in their messaging.
17:25They say,
17:26do not rule yourself out.
17:28but we will rule you out.
17:36Perfect.
17:36Yeah, pop it on that list.
17:37Yes, please.
17:40But I also,
17:41I'm not going to patronise you at all.
17:42I'm not going to say
17:43if you become a local authority foster carer
17:45that it won't be challenging.
17:47Of course,
17:47I will promise you
17:49you'll meet the most amazing young people
17:51and it will be
17:52the most profound
17:55and life-changing way
17:57to get 40% off your council tax.
18:06I mean that.
18:08I really mean that.
18:11Guys, you've been so lovely.
18:12Are you ready for a fantastic act?
18:14Fantastic stand-up comedian
18:23coming to the stage.
18:24Go wild, go crazy
18:25for Ishan Akbar!
18:26Yes!
18:42Apollo makes some noise!
18:46Lovely to be back at the Apollo
18:47since I last did it.
18:49Been travelling quite a bit,
18:51get to travel the world
18:52to this amazing job,
18:53tell my jokes
18:54in other countries.
18:55I don't want to brag,
18:56recently guys,
18:57I went to Belfast.
19:01I went to Belfast,
19:02I got into a taxi in Belfast,
19:04little PSA for you London,
19:05in Belfast,
19:06some of the taxi drivers
19:07are white people.
19:12I've got on the back of this taxi,
19:13I was like,
19:13they're stealing our jobs,
19:14I don't fucking believe this.
19:17They're going to be doctors soon enough,
19:18this is unbelievable.
19:21Now, if you've never been to Belfast,
19:22it's the most diverse place in the world,
19:24I don't mind that, right?
19:25As long as you've got an Indian restaurant,
19:26we're golden.
19:27I was there for a few days,
19:29needed some bread,
19:30went into the supermarket,
19:31I turned the corny
19:32in the other supermarket,
19:33at the other end of the aisle,
19:34there he was,
19:35one other brown man.
19:40And the thing that happened next,
19:41Apollo,
19:41I can't believe it happened,
19:42I saw this other brown man,
19:43other end of the aisle,
19:44my eyes locked with his,
19:46his eyes locked with mine,
19:48and at exactly the same time,
19:50without saying a word,
19:50by the way,
19:51we both went...
19:52It was just instinct,
20:01it came from within!
20:02I was like,
20:03I can't believe I proved
20:03a stereotype true!
20:06Hold on,
20:06it's embarrassing
20:07I proved a stereotype true,
20:08but there's something quite nice
20:09about the fact
20:09that I saw a man
20:10from the same race
20:11in an unfamiliar place
20:12and we had a non-verbal way
20:14of acknowledging
20:15each other's existence.
20:15I think it's like
20:16a security thing.
20:17In other words,
20:17all races have got this,
20:18right?
20:19So apparently with Asian people,
20:20we've got a...
20:22Black people,
20:24for some reason,
20:25they like getting side on
20:26and putting their chin
20:27in the air,
20:27kind of like...
20:29And white people,
20:32hey, white people,
20:33you got one as well?
20:35You make your lips disappear!
20:40But the all-inclusive,
20:41like...
20:42One of the funniest things
20:44that ever happened to me
20:45happened to me in Belfast,
20:45right?
20:46I did the gig,
20:46after the gig,
20:47went for a few bevs,
20:48after a few bevs,
20:49went to a club
20:50and I love a sesh.
20:52I love a sesh so much,
20:53they call me Sesh Anakbar.
20:54I love a sesh.
20:56And I went to this club
20:57and they're playing
20:57the kind of music I like,
20:58you know,
20:58oonce, oonce, oonce, oonce, oonce, oonce.
21:01Bought my favourite cocktail,
21:02sex on the beach,
21:03oonce, oonce, oonce.
21:04Got to the dance floor,
21:05oonce, oonce, oonce.
21:06See the DJ,
21:07oonce, oonce, oonce.
21:08He gives it a...
21:10HE'S EVEN ASIAN,
21:13WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
21:13oonce, oonce, oonce, oonce.
21:15I'm standing there,
21:26all the white people are like,
21:27oh my god, it's your song!
21:30The only other brown guy in the gaff
21:31is saying,
21:32what do we do here,
21:33my friend, what's the plan?
21:34I'm like, did you follow me
21:34from the supermarket?
21:38Also, you can't play
21:39this one bloody song
21:40every time you see us.
21:42South Asia has got
21:43a rich cultural musical history,
21:44predating Western European music by the way. The sitar is the reason why the guitar exists,
21:49the tabla is the reason why the drums exist and the new lot stole our instruments and they limited
21:54my whole culture to this one bloody song! But as soon as we heard it, me and Raj were like,
21:59it's a banger, let's go. Give the people what they want. But like I said, I've been traveling
22:08a lot more. I've been traveling around. And here's the thing, when I go abroad, I recognize that when
22:12I'm traveling to another country and I'm walking through immigration, what they see walking towards
22:16them is a big brown sexy bear. Thank you, two people. Don't patronize me! Right. What they see walking
22:29towards them is a big brown sexy bear. But I was born and raised in England, right? So when I go abroad,
22:33I carry a lot of English sensibilities, a lot of English guilt. And a lot of English embarrassment,
22:40because I don't know if you've looked around the UK at the moment, it's a bit of a shithole.
22:44Like, I went to do some shows in Dubai. Anybody went to Dubai? Yeah. The UAE gained independence
22:50in 1971. They have an ice rink in the desert! In Dubai, none of the locals drink alcohol because
22:59everything bloody works. The only people drinking are expats because they can't believe everything
23:07bloody works! In Dubai, police officers drive Maseratis. These are £100,000 supercars. Police
23:18officers driving Maseratis spun me out. I called one of these police officers over. I said,
23:22come here, come here. Oi, come here. No, I'm not building that.
23:25I said, come here. You're a police officer. Why the hell are you driving a Maserati? It's a supercar.
23:35He looked at me like I was the biggest dickhead on the planet. I said, don't explain. You're a police
23:40officer. Why are you driving a Maserati? He looked at me and he said, we are chasing people in Ferraris.
23:46Oh my God, even the crime is better here! Because what are our police officers doing? They're in Vauxhall
23:54Astras, chasing people on e-skew to shoplifting from B&M. This is how embarrassing it got, because I don't know if
24:08you know. Like, Great Britain, around the world, is pretty famous for colonialism, right? And since then, we've
24:16fallen off. Like, our crimes are pathetic. Six weeks ago, right, at the time of when we were six weeks ago,
24:22I almost got mugged. I didn't even get through with it. Now, here's the thing. Who here has been mugged?
24:30A few of you. The rest of you haven't. It's about to happen. No, right. Let me tell you blow for blow
24:35exactly what happened. I was doing a gig. I was walking from the gig to the train station. As I
24:38walking to the train station, I saw two nefarious characters on a scooter. And my spidey senses
24:45kicked in. Because I'm from the hood, cuz! Man's from East London. Whitechapel, baby, let's go!
24:54Whitechapel, as my family call it. Brown Mosque.
25:02Now, because I'm from East London, I was like, Ishan, you know what's going to happen? I think these
25:05nefarious characters have got ulterior motives. I think they might want to get your phone. So,
25:09I said, Ishan, right, here's what you do. Put your phone in your pocket. Before they come round,
25:12make sure your phone is out of sight. Lo and behold, as I put my phone into my pocket,
25:16the scooter boys rode right next to me, and one of them went to grab my phone, and instinctively,
25:22he grabbed my arm.
25:23And I, in response, instinctively grabbed his arm. He then stumbled off the back of the scooter. So,
25:31at one point, on a Friday night in the middle of London, we were just standing there, holding each
25:35other's arms. And in my head, I was like, right, Ishan, this is your moment. Your father came to this
25:40country in the 1960s. He got stabbed by members of the National Front. He's quite an annoying man,
25:45to be fair. You stand up and you show him how you do it in East London. You let this guy know not to
25:58mess with someone from the hood. So, Apollo, you'll be happy to know that's exactly what I did.
26:05OK. Because as we were holding each other's arms, I looked at him and I said, Don't do that again.
26:15But I'm having a nice time. Life is good. I feel very happy. Over the last summer,
26:28I was getting some work done in my house. You know, I'm earning a bit. I thought,
26:30you know what, let's get some work done in the house. And the builder came round to my home.
26:34Now, straight men in the audience, I don't know how you feel about this, but when I meet a man who
26:38comes into my home, who I considered as a more alpha job than I do, like a builder,
26:44a plaster, a porn star, whatever it is. I feel like I've got to change the way I speak to them,
26:50so they like me enough to give me like a good price. This guy came to my house. He crossed the
26:56threshold into my home. I don't know what happened to me. I started talking to him like I was a pigeon
27:02doing an impression of Danny Dyer. I was like, what, mate?
27:04How you doing, son? I started knocking on random walls and kicking shit I've never kicked before.
27:11And that bloody hell, there's slabs on this, they're a bit changing. At one point,
27:16Apollo, I did the two-step. I was like, what do you reckon, then, son?
27:18Got right to the front, got up to the door. I said, what do you reckon, son? You can get me
27:23a bloody good deal, son? Do you reckon you can get old Akbar a proper deal, son? He looked at me
27:33and he said, I'm Lithuanian. I don't understand why you're doing this.
27:43I can't turn white people apart, bro. You're all the same to me.
27:47But I do this. It's this idea called code switching, right? And if you're an ethnic minority,
27:50you'll understand the idea of code switching, where you speak a certain way with your own
27:53friends and family, and then you white it up. But white people, you do it too.
27:57You've got your normal voice, the way you speak to your friends and family.
28:00You've got your telephone voice, the way you speak to your colleagues and customers, right?
28:03So my normal voice is this. Hello, Apollo. A pleasure to be here.
28:06Thank you for being here. We're going to have a great night tonight.
28:08And my telephone voice is, hello, welcome to First Direct. Please confirm the third...
28:15I found myself having to do this code switch in a place I hated doing it the most.
28:19First, I went to the white people Mecca of Indian restaurants, Dishoom.
28:28Oh. My. God. You bastards love this place.
28:34You're like, oh, my God, have you had the black dial I used to die for? Shut up.
28:40People get banging on about Dishoom to me. I said, you know what, let me go and check out this restaurant.
28:43Right, went to the restaurant, looked at the menu. The menu looked delightful.
28:46Waitress comes over. I say to her, hi there, hi. May I please get the pheel, the murgmalai and the romali roti, please?
28:54Siobhan?
28:57The diversity waitress.
28:59She looks at me, she says, I'm terribly sorry, sir. I didn't quite catch that.
29:10I then had to order the food of my own people, in the most English accent I could muster,
29:17to a bitch that can't even say her own name properly, Siobhan. What are we doing?
29:28You can't just change the rules.
29:30I said, I'm terribly sorry, this is my fault.
29:36May I please get the vegetarian pheel?
29:41The chicken murgmalai?
29:46Murg is actually chicken in South Asian. I'm just saying the same thing.
29:50It's like saying chai tea or not. Do you know what? Doesn't matter.
29:52And could I get the romali roti bread, please? To which Siobhan responded,
30:01Ah, yes, sir. Excellent choices. I know, it's my food!
30:10Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely brilliant.
30:12My name is Siobhan. Have a great evening. Good night!
30:14I'll be right back, everybody!
30:24Live at the Apollo, you ready for another phenomenal act?
30:29Welcome to the stage, Angela Brown!
30:31Oh!
30:45Good evening, Lora the Apollo. How are you doing? You all right?
30:49Yes.
30:50Good!
30:51Oh, I bloody love coming and doing this show.
30:53It's a well done for leaving your houses to watch live comedy.
30:57I can't tell you how much it means to us.
31:00because I'll be honest with you,
31:02if I wasn't contractually obliged to be here,
31:06I would have stayed at home
31:07to watch series three of Is It Cake?
31:12Have you seen Is It Cake?
31:13Oh my God, it is the best thing Netflix has ever done.
31:16It shits on baby reindeer.
31:18It's brilliant.
31:19Some of you are looking at me like, what is it?
31:20I've already told you, it's called Is It Cake?
31:23What they do, they bring out an object
31:26and sometimes it's cake.
31:28Yeah.
31:29But the crucial bit, sometimes it isn't cake.
31:34And they've called it Is It Cake?
31:37They've named it after what you're thinking
31:39while you're watching it.
31:40That's genius.
31:41Let's do that with all telly.
31:42Right, no more Strictly Come Dancing.
31:44From now on, it's called Do You Think They're Doing It?
31:50It's nice to be here, thank you.
31:51That's what I'm saying.
31:52It's nice to be out of the house,
31:53because I'm nearly 50.
31:55I'm going to be 50 next year.
31:57Yeah, I'll take your cheers.
31:59One gasp of surprise would have been nice,
32:01but never mind.
32:03That's all right.
32:04I don't mind it.
32:05Getting older, it's fine, isn't it?
32:06Because you don't feel any different.
32:07Do you remember when you were a teenager
32:09and people my age would say things to you like,
32:11oh, I feel exactly the same as you in my head,
32:14and you'd go, fuck off, Grandma, we're not the same.
32:16We're not.
32:17And you don't feel any different, do you?
32:18It's just the world lets you know you're getting older.
32:21Like you're minding your own business,
32:23and one day you look at Wikipedia
32:24and you see you've outlived eight Blue Peter dogs.
32:28That's too many, isn't it?
32:30I felt ancient the other day.
32:32Do you realise last year was the 30th anniversary
32:35of Kurt Cobain dying.
32:37I know, 30 years ago that happened,
32:40and the thing that made me feel most ancient
32:42is I remember that day,
32:43because I was a big Nirvana fan,
32:45and I was in a pub with some friends,
32:48and this bloke came in, he said,
32:49oh, my God, Kurt Cobain's dead,
32:51and the only way we could find out
32:53whether that was true or not
32:54was to get the barman to put the telly on
32:56and check C-fax.
33:00C-fax, yeah, if you're under 30,
33:02it's like they tried to make the internet,
33:04but on a potato.
33:07You don't feel yourself getting older, do you?
33:09Some things change, obviously, when you get older.
33:12I think it's around 40
33:14when your birthday presents turn to shit overnight.
33:18It's actually very easy.
33:19It's very easy to give a gift to someone over 40.
33:22All you've got to do is arrange to meet up with them.
33:25Like, get them out of the house,
33:26whatever it is they like doing, pubs, cinema, theatre,
33:28whatever it is, but this is the important bit,
33:30this is the gift.
33:3124 hours before you've arranged to meet them,
33:35send them a little text that says,
33:37do you mind if we reschedule?
33:40LAUGHTER
33:42Oh, that is the best text you can get over 40,
33:46and it means you don't have to leave your house,
33:48and it's not your fault, come on!
33:50Like, don't get me wrong,
33:51we're having a lovely time here tonight,
33:53but there is not one person in this room,
33:54over 40, who wouldn't have been absolutely fine
33:57if tonight had been cancelled.
33:58LAUGHTER
34:00Fine.
34:01I've started doing online German conversation classes,
34:06right, cos I've got a life, and...
34:08LAUGHTER
34:10I love the German language, by the way.
34:12It doesn't get a good press, does it?
34:13Cos, like, like, Spanish or French or Italian,
34:16it's not sexy, like those languages,
34:19but then I think that's a matter of perspective.
34:20Personally, I quite like it hard and efficient.
34:22LAUGHTER
34:23So...
34:24LAUGHTER
34:25I've got brilliant words, brilliant words in the German language.
34:28I learnt one recently, backpfeifengesicht,
34:32which means face that needs a slap.
34:34LAUGHTER
34:36They've got a word for Jacob Rees-Mogg.
34:38How beautiful.
34:39Oh!
34:40LAUGHTER
34:42Oh, yeah.
34:43APPLAUSE
34:45It's a beautiful language.
34:47And I love the German people as well.
34:48I'm a bit of a Germanophile, I'm a bit obsessed.
34:51I know you can't generalise a whole nation,
34:54but what I like about German people,
34:55they've got this real sort of common sense about them.
34:58You know, they're very sensible people.
35:00They'll say that about themselves.
35:01Alice in Ordnung, you know, they'll have everything in order.
35:04And I like people who have qualities I don't have.
35:06You know, it's like why I like people who can sing
35:08or people who can paint
35:09or people who can have one slice of Viennetta
35:11and put the rest back in the freezer, you know?
35:14I admire those qualities.
35:15But what I like about Germans most
35:17is this contradiction about them.
35:19Cos, did you know, right, Germans, while they're really sensible,
35:22they also have the highest number of nudists
35:25per capita in the world.
35:27Like, anyone who's been on holiday to the Canary Islands
35:29will tell you it is just English pubs and German penises,
35:32as far as the eye can see.
35:34That's...
35:35And they have their own beaches.
35:36You might have seen them, the FKK beaches.
35:38They're called Freikorporculture, free body movement.
35:40And I'm only telling you about this,
35:42cos I read something about them recently, right?
35:44And I'm sharing this with you, cos the guy who started that movement,
35:48a nudist movement, in the 1920s, in Germany.
35:52His name, I kid you not, was Adolf Koch.
35:56Now...
35:57LAUGHTER
35:59I can't stop thinking about Adolf Koch back in 1920s Germany.
36:02Cos I think there must have been a point, wasn't there?
36:04There must have been a point when he went,
36:06Oh, how embarrassing.
36:08I've started a nudist movement,
36:09and my last name is English slang for male genitalia.
36:13Thank God I've got a nice, normal first name.
36:16LAUGHTER
36:18He didn't know, did he?
36:19He didn't know what was going to happen in the 20s.
36:21That's how you know, isn't it?
36:22That's how you know Hitler's the worst dictator.
36:25Ruined the name Adolf forever.
36:26You can't call a baby Adolf anymore.
36:28You can't... You can still call a baby Benito.
36:31You can still call a baby Joseph.
36:32I said it to my friend, he said,
36:33Yeah, you can still call a baby Paul.
36:35I said, Paul? He said, Paul Pot.
36:36I said, that's not his name.
36:37But it's a common sense thing, I think.
36:39Because I don't have common sense, right?
36:41I was born without it.
36:42I'm just not one of those common sense people.
36:44When I was 22, I lost a shoe on the way to work.
36:49I'll say that again.
36:50I lost a shoe on the way to work.
36:53I'll tell you what happened. I was working in London.
36:54I got on a train.
36:55As I stepped on the train, my shoe fell off my foot,
36:57went under the train.
36:59I turned round to get off, but before I could, the doors closed.
37:02I'm now going to central London with one shoe on
37:04and a bright pink sock.
37:06I'm in a packed rush hour train.
37:08Everyone saw what happened, but because we're in London,
37:11no one said a word.
37:12LAUGHTER
37:13The entire carriage just looked at me and went...
37:16LAUGHTER
37:18And then I've got decisions to make.
37:19What do I do now?
37:20Do I carry on my way to work?
37:22If I do that, that'll be one way.
37:24I've only got one shoe one, I'm going to have to style it out.
37:26If I go back and get my shoe, I'm going to be late for work.
37:28And then I've got another decision to make.
37:30What looks more mental, one shoe or no shoes?
37:32LAUGHTER
37:33I decide no shoes look slightly less deranged,
37:37so I take the other shoe off, put it in my handbag,
37:39off I go to work, and I styled it out all day long at work,
37:42one shoe on.
37:43And I might have got away with it,
37:44had my job not been homeless outreach support worker.
37:47LAUGHTER
37:49Just no common sense, I'm not one of those common sense people.
37:55You know what I mean by the common sense people, don't you?
37:57You know who I mean?
37:58Those people who say things like,
37:59Oh, I never use a recipe.
38:02Fuck off.
38:03LAUGHTER
38:04How do you just magically know how to make things?
38:07That can't be right.
38:08Look, I'll be honest, I'm not the cook in our house,
38:10my husband does all the cooking,
38:11if he left me, I'd be dead in a fortnight, that's the truth.
38:14LAUGHTER
38:15But for Christmas, I bought this Gordon Ramsay cookbook, right?
38:18Not for my husband, that'd be passive-aggressive, wouldn't it?
38:20No, I...
38:22I thought, I'll give it a go, I'll try and cook something,
38:24and I thought it would be like an instruction manual,
38:26you know, it'd take me through step...
38:27But they don't, do they?
38:28They assume you have a certain level of common sense, of knowledge.
38:31It said things like, use your paring knife.
38:36Well, Gordon, you've made quite the assumption there, haven't you?
38:39Cos what I've got, Gordon, is a bread knife
38:41and the one that isn't a bread knife.
38:43That's what I'm talking about.
38:45Or he'll say things like, just add a knob of butter.
38:47Well, I'm sorry, Gordon, I don't know how big your knob is.
38:58Never had common sense, and it used to be a real problem
39:01with me and my dad, right?
39:02My dad was a common sense person, and it used to wind him up
39:05cos he thought I was being willfully stupid to annoy him.
39:08You know, he'd say things like, for God's sake, Angela, just think.
39:11Just think.
39:14As if that was the problem.
39:17That I wasn't bothering to think, right?
39:20And I realise now, at my age now,
39:22the opposite is the problem.
39:23It's not that I don't think enough, it's that I overthink.
39:26I think too much, right?
39:27I've got ADHD, of course I have.
39:28I'm a comedian.
39:29Take that as red.
39:30I can feel the breeze from your eyes rolling from here.
39:32Although I do want you to know that if you rolled your eyes
39:35as soon as I said ADHD, I want you to know that I know
39:37that you're the sort of people who 100 years ago
39:39would have made your left-handed kids right with their right hands,
39:41so fuck you.
39:42But...
39:47Honestly, people get so upset about it.
39:49All the comedians said they've got ADHD.
39:50They all said they can't all have it.
39:52We can, that's why we're comedians.
39:55There's a reason I'm here and you're there, right?
39:58We tried to have proper jobs, but we lost our shoes.
40:11I'm also quite an anxious person.
40:13I don't know if you're getting that energy off me.
40:15I'm quite an anxious...
40:16I came out of the womb anxious.
40:17I've always been anxious.
40:18I was an anxious child.
40:19But I was a child in the 1980s, of course,
40:21when anxiety wasn't a thing, didn't exist.
40:23You were a warrior.
40:24You were just a warrior.
40:25And, of course, the main treatment for a child in the 1980s
40:27who was a warrior was for one or both of your parents
40:30to regularly say things to you, like,
40:32pull yourself together or I'll give you something to worry about.
40:36Turns out, not an effective treatment, you know?
40:38I used to worry when I was a kid that people wouldn't like me.
40:41I used to worry all the time that people wouldn't like me.
40:43As an adult, I have the same worry.
40:44I don't like it when people don't like me.
40:46I don't even like it when strangers don't like me.
40:48It's why I could never drive an Audi.
40:50I like saying that because it makes a certain type of man
40:55fold his arms and it really turns me on.
41:01It's difficult when you're an anxious person.
41:03I've got what they call a hyper-connected brain, right?
41:05That's what I've been told.
41:06And I'm very anxious, it's hard to turn it off.
41:08And what that means, when you're constantly anxious all the time,
41:11you're always looking for things to go wrong,
41:12even good things in your life.
41:14They can't be 100% good
41:15because you're waiting for them to go wrong.
41:16Like, I remember once saying to my husband,
41:18I will love you forever, even though, statistically,
41:21you're the man most likely to murder me.
41:25Apparently not appropriate for a wedding vow.
41:29It's hard to enjoy anything in the moment
41:31because you're looking for the worst-case scenario.
41:33First time I tried to watch pornography,
41:35I couldn't enjoy it because they were doing it in the back of a taxi
41:38and I kept thinking, the meter's still running!
41:45I want to leave you with this, though, Apollo, right?
41:47Because I've talked a little bit about anxiety
41:49and confidence and stuff.
41:50So I want to tell you about a woman
41:52who changed my life two years ago.
41:54A woman I've never met,
41:55but you never know who's listening, right?
41:57Be that people here in the room tonight or people at home,
41:59she might help them as well.
42:00So I just want to tell you about her.
42:02Like I say, I never met her,
42:03but I found out about her when I was doing a show in Penzance
42:06down in Cornwall.
42:07And as you can see, at the end of a show,
42:09I'm a sweaty, hot, horrible mess, you know?
42:11And I came off stage at this tour show
42:13and I looked to stay
42:14and there was a photographer at the venue
42:16and the photographer said to me,
42:17can I take your photograph?
42:19And I said, oh, you don't want to take a photograph of this.
42:21Look at the state of me.
42:22And that's when he told me about someone who changed my life
42:25because he said, don't worry about that.
42:27Don't worry about that.
42:28I did a wedding last week.
42:29Bride forgot her teeth.
42:34The bride...
42:37forgot her teeth.
42:40What a woman.
42:43That is the woman I aspire to be.
42:47Imagine having so few shits left to give
42:52that on your wedding day,
42:56you leave your house without your teeth
43:00and you still want photographs.
43:04She got to that venue,
43:07she must have turned to her husband
43:09and said,
43:10oh, well, never mind, liquidise my dinner,
43:12you're going to get one hell of a blowjob tonight.
43:15Apollo, you've been incredible.
43:17Thank you for having me.
43:19Enjoy the rest of your evening.
43:20Cheers, goodnight.
43:27Make some noise for Angela Byrne!
43:31Oh, brilliant.
43:34Life at the Apollo,
43:35we had a good time.
43:36Yes!
43:37Give it a look for Esher Agba, Angela Byrne!
43:41And now I've been here, Richard McLean.
43:42Thank you very much.
43:43Goodnight!
44:01Been a bit of applause.
44:02fun ones,
44:05I know.
44:10東P
44:12are 500.
44:1420 years of the year,
44:15where they came from,
44:16is the water aer�ol and Derp
44:17got better.
44:18Check yourself,
44:19and you can tает.
44:20Players even find others
44:22like queks
44:23what the batteryannen doing,
44:24they can王 sauna.
44:25I'm a mother and a room
44:26that turnsfull to Roberto
44:27breathe,
44:28speak of.
44:29And there's poor people
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