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00:00say something that my sister Tybo Shamp said and I just it resonated with me because it's like
00:05that means that creates more of a sisterhood the divine in me recognizes the divine in you
00:13let's say it together the divine in me recognizes the divine in you that is if you really take those
00:22words and that's that's just powerful to me because that means that we're all here not as
00:28sisters not just my sister's keeper but we're all here as sisters because I'm thinking about you
00:34just as much as I'm thinking about myself amen all right so we're going to get into our panels
00:41are y'all ready for that yes the panels are officially starting make sure you are hashtagging
00:48Essence Wellness House okay because I see a lot of photos home make sure you're doing the same thing
00:53our first conversation is called myth versus fact marriage edition and we have a few very very
01:03special guests here with us who are ready to have some fun and really get real about marriages all
01:12right welcoming to the stage once again y'all this is the right here this suit she got on is
01:19just everything like she is feminine in her suit oh my god essence executive editor and vp of content
01:30danielle cadet yes she is joined by entrepreneur yes didn't I tell y'all this suit right it's the suit for me
01:42it's the suit oh my gosh we really are right entrepreneur and founder of kaleidoscope hair
01:52products judy harris dupart yes coming to the stage come on y'all
01:58let's just talk about how good we look together okay don't aren't we like we're complimenting each
02:09other we've got a lot of color going on yes i am
02:12yes yes and we didn't do this on purpose danielle but here's the thing color was made for black women
02:22okay like every color of the rainbow was made and black women look good in every color yes yes yes
02:28and grammy nominated rat icon da brat thank you thank you judy harris dupart
02:35yes yes thank you thank you hello hi thank you thank you hi nice to see you congratulations
02:45everything absolutely thank you thank you thank you yes okay y'all see what i was saying about taste
02:50the rainbow right we're giving color thank you okay we are giving color welcome ladies thank you so
02:57much for being here thank you for having us okay so obviously congratulations are in order right and i
03:03just saw that you all are having a baby boy yeah any boy moms any boy moms in the audience boy moms
03:11okay yes i am a girl mom but but i've heard boys are just like so amazing with their mamas did either
03:18of you have a preference or was it just like healthy baby healthy healthy baby absolutely absolutely well
03:23i'm so congratulations and thank you so much for being here here's what we're going to do today
03:29we are going to get into all of the myths and supposed facts that are out there about marriage
03:37there's a lot of conversation about marriage there's a lot out there and i am of the mind
03:42that like you don't really know until you're in it right like there's a lot that can be said about
03:46marriage and even trying to prepare for marriage and then you're in it and you're like okay
03:51like this is this is what it is so i'm going to throw um a couple of different scenarios at you
03:57both and you guys can let me know whether you believe it's a myth or a fact and why all right
04:03okay are you all ready all right who's who needs to know the marriage myths and facts like who is
04:08looking okay yes yes because we were talking about we out here looking for our person okay here we go
04:14myth or fact the first year of marriage is the hardest we've only been in for a year it's been a
04:24year and a month has it been the hardest we would know because this is just the first year it hasn't
04:32been it hasn't been hard i just think when you're married you need to you meet in the middle and you
04:38figure out what works for each person and if you have to compromise you do you know we love each
04:44other so much like you just want to make sure that person is okay and vice versa so whatever sacrifices
04:49or whatever you have to do to make it work is what you do i love that beautiful thank you beautiful
04:56okay so y'all know how they talk about the prayer whatever sierra is praying for whatever write that
05:00down okay because that is you need somebody that cares about you like that okay love that okay here's
05:07another one myth or fact marriage must be 50 50 at all times myth myth i do feel like there are times
05:16where you might be in a position to have to or need to give more yeah you know example a pregnant wife
05:27and you know and vice versa so i think that's a myth yeah yeah you think it's a myth i think it's a myth
05:33because i my uh what is it language of love is service so i definitely think it's a myth because
05:39i hate for her to have to do anything right like i don't want her picking up no dog poop for my little
05:44babies i don't want her washing the dishes i don't want her doing anything so i think it's a myth because
05:50it depends on the thing that the other one is best at or what they love to do most for the other person
05:56yeah yeah that makes perfect sense michelle obama has been talking a lot about
05:59how that 50 50 in marriage and how sometimes you know one person is depending on where you are in
06:06life and what's happening you know again pregnancies new jobs traveling it can be you know sometimes
06:13it's 70 finances finances she's way smarter than me when it comes to that so she can have all the
06:20percentage when it comes to that she got it down pat and i think that's a really important thing for
06:25people to know that it's not always going to be equal in your marriage and that marriages have
06:29seasons right there are different times when you know somebody might be taking a little bit more on
06:35and somebody else might take and take a little bit you know it changes um so 100 yeah marriage is not
06:41always 50 50 y'all um i have been married for only almost four years and it's definitely not always 50 50.
06:48my husband's home with a two-year-old right now so shout out to him yes congratulations thank you
06:53okay myth or fact here's our next one there's not much difference between being a married couple
07:01or being an unmarried couple in a long-term relationship myth or fact
07:09so is that like saying that whether you're married or not you act the same like do you feel like there
07:14was a shift when you got married versus when you were in a long-term relationship i don't feel like
07:19there was a shift because we were around each other like 24 7 for a long time before we even got
07:26married so it doesn't seem like a shift to me yeah yeah that would probably be a myth that'd be a myth
07:33i think yeah yeah yeah definitely i see i feel like i felt a little bit of a shift when i got married
07:40why what happened so i think it was just something about like okay now we are married like it is like
07:46you can't just come and go as like it's not just like like i'm like i can't just like oh this is over
07:51right like this is you are definitely married but i agree in terms of the nature of our relationship
07:57and partnership like that love i do think it strengthens but like that love is there regardless
08:03for sure for sure all right here's our next one okay this is a good one marriage only works
08:11if you keep your family and friends out your business myth or fact what you looking at me for
08:19i'm waiting for your answer we got some tea y'all okay girl because when you try to keep your family
08:25out your business there's a problem yeah when you don't tell them they be like what's going on
08:30um i don't know i have a couple of friends that i can tell my business to that
08:35they don't interfere so i don't know i don't think it's a problem for us judy i don't know
08:41who says something about our relationship your sister when we don't tell her oh yeah now that's
08:47true my sister wants to know every little thing about me because she has like all my life i know
08:53like all the goods and the bands and the ups and downs who i'm dating so when she don't know it's like ah
08:58you know it's a big deal yeah yeah so yeah i forgot about they talking about your sister
09:05i think the world knows that yeah oh god you had that judy you had that in mind as soon as the
09:10question came out you were like oh yeah i couldn't think of nobody but yeah i mean i think you're right
09:17like you have to have the friends and family who you feel are um who help keep your marriage together
09:25and who aren't tearing you down right like that is but it is important that you as a unit have your
09:31business so i get it i get it but i know i have a relationship i know how families can be yeah right
09:36i think it depends on the relationship because i think her sister fought to know you know about
09:40what's going on just to be included but i think when it comes to like if we were having personal issues
09:46i think you know it's it's a big thing for us to work it out between each other unless you know
09:51we because i feel like sometimes when you call somebody in they're going to have that whoever
09:56like if it's her friend her friend might have her side or if it's my friend my friend might have my
10:00side right which isn't going to help yeah like if your mother gets into it with her husband right
10:05you're not going to like him no more right next time you see him you want to punch his ass in the face
10:10no matter even if your mama say baby we okay but i know what he did to you and i don't like him no
10:14more you know so the best thing to do is just try to work it out amongst yourselves right right
10:19right and that's a great point because sometimes you have to be careful what you say to friends
10:22and family because the way we can get over and move forward in our relationships our friends
10:26and family can't always do that thanks yeah yeah i've been there i've been there for sure and i'm like
10:31girl we're good now and my girlfriends are like we're not we're not all right here we go next one
10:39myth or fact what you tolerate while you're dating is what you bring into the marriage nothing magically
10:47changes once you've tied the knot fact fact go ahead judy you got you got strong feelings go ahead
10:54what you tolerate when you're in the relationship is kind of what you bring into the marriage and
10:59it doesn't just automatically change when you become married right right i think i think the
11:03mannerisms because i i think i've always been a person that's been vocal before you know even before
11:09marriage happened if it's something that i did not like uh you know if there's something that she did not
11:13like we kind of expressed it to each other before it even yeah neither one of us are like tongue
11:20biters or we like okay i'm not going to say nothing if something bothers us you have to speak up and
11:25communicate otherwise the other person won't know what to work on or what to change right right yeah
11:30and then marriage isn't this thing that as soon as it happens you know like glitter drops and it
11:37actually is a wonderful day the wedding is great yeah usually they're too expensive and
11:43and they're a headache but the day after it's back to real life right exactly that so it's it's almost
11:49like a it's a um it's the event you have and then y'all have legal paperwork but it's exactly what it
11:55was two days before that right absolutely that's real and some days are just like boring right it's not
12:01every day isn't like you know super sexy and super exciting and it's just like you have to live life
12:08with each other so that is yeah yeah that is and you you don't who you were in while you were dating
12:14doesn't change in a day so yeah 100 i hear that all right myth or fact what works for one marriage
12:22may not work for the next do what works for you as a couple yeah yeah i feel like we're all like uh
12:31yeah yeah yeah anything you guys want like anything you want to expound on there in terms
12:37of just other couples you might know who just operate really differently from from the way you do
12:44or or relationships that you've seen where you're like i don't
12:48want to do that that way you know maybe you differ we don't share
12:55us each other oh yeah no that's that's the first thing you thought about no when she was like
13:00doing something different than other relationships i thought about when people like share and have
13:04like open relationships and stuff yeah that's not we don't do that we don't we don't share yeah
13:10i can't think of nothing else like can you um not off the top of my head i feel like um
13:18we're okay with actually having a relationship and doing business together some people aren't yeah
13:24you know some people keep that very separate that's a great point we also uh how we do our things like
13:29how she's great at certain things yeah you know like it's i feel like ours isn't probably the most
13:34traditional but she's like she said before she loves she's very domesticated so she absolutely
13:39loves to be the person that makes sure the kitchen is done and make sure this is done and that done
13:44and you know i feel like from the outside looking in people might assume the you know the roles are
13:48different she don't wash dishes no i don't want her to though you know yeah yeah no and that and
13:58sometimes that works for people and sometimes it doesn't right like everybody you take on the role that
14:03makes the most sense for your relationship for your relationship yeah yeah yeah that sounded so
14:08bad i don't watch i'm really great at um i don't watch dishes right the but but i'm great at the
14:13budgeting making sure the bills are paid yeah exactly looking for the best opportunities for us to take
14:19on and not to take on yeah yeah making sure she's adding another check because she don't really she
14:24don't care about none of that like girl girl and what you say about being in business together is a big
14:32deal too because not every couple can do that some couples have to keep their you know business
14:38separate but you all um are in business together can you talk a little bit about that
14:44we did our first collaboration this year so um i i expressed to her how important it was for
14:50her to know um her earning potential so we did a licensing deal kaleidoscope did a licensing deal with
14:55the brat so it's you know even though we wives i actually wanted to do the whole thing structure
15:00properly making sure she knows what it's like to be able to just kind of open her doors in different
15:05um in different avenues to bring in more revenue okay can we hear it for that for a partner that's
15:10out here making sure you know you're earning potential right okay that is amazing that's incredible
15:15that is amazing um and yes every marriage can't necessarily be in business together but pushing
15:21your partner to really know their worth oh my gosh that is it's a blessing that is a blessing
15:27whoo y'all gonna have to have some more kids uh okay uh here we go myth or fact having kids makes
15:36marriage even harder for couples myth or fact
15:43i want your answer judy's face is saying it all y'all look how would i know i'm pregnant i don't know
15:49we got one of my kids in our house yeah um it could probably make it sometimes a little hard because
16:00we have one of her children that live with us yeah yeah one of our children that live with us and
16:05you know she had maids and stuff when they were growing up so yeah they didn't really have to clean
16:12up that much right right right so i'm ocd so you know when it's time to take the trash out right
16:18i'm like somebody take this trash somebody take the trash out but then she like if if he wasn't
16:24taught that all the time he'll take it out but he won't take it out in the morning and at night
16:29right and she's just like tell him and i'm like i don't want to tell him you the one that was his
16:32mama when he was growing up so you you know so yeah it can be difficult but you just gotta figure it out
16:38wait wait wait let me let me just jump in a little bit what i said was however it is she wants him to
16:45do it she needs to tell him because he's not gonna assume right if she says take the trash out in his
16:51mind he might just think at any point in the day to take it out if she feels as though before i lay in
16:57the bed this trash better be empty and when i wake up in the morning this trash better be empty and he
17:02doesn't know that his interpretation of take the trash out is going to be different from what she expects
17:07because that's not how we did it right so that's what i was saying so parenting styles different
17:13parenting styles yes this is about to be one bit of a role she spoiled them she spoiled all her kids
17:20so have you all talked about that with the baby coming in terms of like what your parenting styles
17:25we have and she really assumes that she's going to be the disciplinarian but i told her because she's
17:30never had a child before she doesn't understand that when the baby comes out all of that goes down a
17:35drain this one's gonna be different in here okay i will say that i thought i was going to be the
17:43disciplinarian and then my daughter was born and i'm like you couldn't do it right that's what that's
17:47exactly she gonna see that's why i'm not saying nothing she's gonna see but i got i have faith in
17:52you i have faith in you you're gonna you're gonna do it jesus okay here we go myth or fact here's a good
17:59one y'all social media is the downfall of a lot of marriages today myth or fact that's probably a fact
18:11that's probably a fact i could see that i don't think i think because um i do a lot of business on
18:18there she and she's watched it she understands it but i also know that social media has turned into
18:23this tool that is huge with comparison so if you know if if somebody isn't really solid in their
18:30marriage or if somebody isn't really confident in themselves i feel like social media can almost
18:35be the death of not just a marriage but somebody's confidence right so yeah that's just my that's so
18:41true no i agree with you yeah and reality shows oh god you need to bring that in you ain't strong
18:50there tear your ass up you will be getting a divorce job that is the truth that is the truth
18:58that's a great point okay here we go myth or fact when you marry someone you marry their family too
19:05fact oh yeah okay let's talk about two or not yes okay how has that experience been for you all in
19:16terms of just melding the families now okay let me just recap y'all have been married for a little bit
19:22over a year have been in business together can we get an applause for that because that is
19:28no small feat and have fused your families and you know adding to your family how has that experience
19:35been go ahead babe no you go beautiful you go go um so we're still working on blending the family
19:47all the way properly um i think you i think families without blending had their own things so then
19:53blending makes it a little bit more children are grown right right um i was about to say something
20:03but it probably not appropriate go ahead um especially when your sister but um like we're
20:09not gonna we're not gonna do that we're getting out that's what we're gonna do right now no i feel like
20:15families have their own thing right so you know like if if i've if i've had difficulty with my children
20:20or with my family in some area it's not just going to magically disappear once i've added somebody to
20:25the equation add somebody to the equation usually makes it a little bit more complicated so i think now it's
20:30just you know you're just figuring out just figuring out the best way to operate yeah i do feel like
20:36families that are supportive of one another like my family supports me her family supports her yeah they
20:43and they know that we're happy so ultimately everybody will pull through but i do think there's
20:47a lot of you know little nicks and crannies that you have to work through now you ask the beautiful
20:53don't you say i agree it is a lot of little nicks and crannies because
20:56like say if somebody in her family has done something damaging to her in her life period in
21:02general well now i'm so in love with her and i just want to be her protector and i want to just beat up
21:07everybody that's ever hurt her like they don't deserve to be in her life yeah but if they're family
21:11they stuck right they're there so it's like i have to try to put that to the side and look at them like
21:17this you know yeah i know you what you did to her before you know it's kind of hard to do when you
21:23love somebody so much so it can get tough yeah absolutely but going back to what you all said
21:28about resolving those things and handling those things between the two of you as a unit and then
21:34going out into the world with family and friends but you're right i mean it's because she knows some
21:39things that some of my family has done to me and she'll be like i don't like them right i don't
21:43like them no baby you got to get over there we're okay now which i i she's done we both have done it
21:50to each other right yeah you just got to work through it yep yep but that's deep love when you
21:55want to really protect the person you want to protect your partner and you don't want anybody
21:59messing with them like that is deep love all right okay i hope y'all are taking notes because i am
22:06um all right here we go love is all you really need to keep a marriage going myth or fact love is all
22:16you need men
22:21preach preach oh my god you need patience you need uh to be able to compromise
22:29um it's not just love i mean love is the higher power that that kind of right like steers everything
22:35but you need a lot of things like you know communication um you have to be able to kind of
22:42know your partner like if she look at me a certain way i'm like okay let me just shut up
22:46you know like it's you have to read your partner and know what how they feel you have you should be
22:52connected enough to know if something hurt them if something didn't hurt them you got to know how to say
22:57i'm sorry if you're wrong yeah um drop swallow your pride sometimes i'm speaking for myself
23:06and you know sometimes i gotta be like okay girl you is not the brat you you're married and this is
23:11your wife say you sorry because i'll be like hey you know then it just be like you know what baby i
23:18didn't mean to hurt you i didn't mean to say that it came out wrong i'm sorry you have to know how to do
23:23that yeah yeah yeah that's such a great point and i think the thing about love is it's it is a highly
23:32um it's just it's such a high impact emotion and so and that can get you know that's why people say
23:40there's a thin line between love and hate right you can love somebody and still really hurt them
23:44yeah and so i feel like respect is such an important thing to have in marriage because to
23:47your point absolutely you can come outside of yourself and be like you know what i respect this
23:52person enough not to do not to treat them right not to hurt their feelings and hurt them and to
23:58acknowledge when i have hurt them so i agree i mean you definitely need a lot more than love child
24:03love is great it is a lot more okay here's a good one because i feel like this is a good way to round
24:10out what we were just talking about without good communication your marriage will fail myth or fact
24:17facts let's talk about it please facts of life you take the good you take the bad you take them
24:28i think i think that that runs into so many different things that can even run into the day-to-day
24:33like it you know it's not like i want to keep a track on anybody or something but if hey you know
24:38this is my normal schedule but today i'm going to actually do this so it's great to know so
24:43just in case your phone is turned off or your phone is dead or something
24:46you know something you know i i don't want to be out here thinking oh my god where's my person
24:51my person is not answering their phone my person i don't know where you are i don't know what's going
24:54on yeah um even down to being able to be okay with telling somebody you hurt me yeah you know like
25:01when you said this or when you did this you hurt me i find that that was difficult for me to be able
25:05to express to her in the past not because i didn't know how to but i know when i tell
25:10her that she's hurt me that hurts her feelings right so then it's like i have to communicate that
25:15still for us to be able to move forward so i think the communication goes in so many different sectors
25:20yes absolutely absolutely what she said and you kind of touched on this earlier judy when you were
25:27saying like the assumptions right um you never want to deal in assumptions you never want to say oh my
25:35partner i'm gonna assume my partner knows what i need right now i you know they should know like
25:41she should know me he should know me like we've been married for however long you we've been dating
25:46for how long ever long i've definitely learned that you have to communicate what you're feeling
25:52because there are a lot of times where i'm like oh you know that makes me mad right but sometimes your
25:56partner really doesn't know and you have to communicate it yeah true yeah absolutely so communication is key
26:03y'all so i want to ask you out if you could just kind of in your if you could give advice to anybody
26:10who wants to be married who's just gotten married what would your overall advice be just as we think
26:18about marriage myths and facts what would you want people to know about marriage
26:21i would say that uh love is a two-way street um you have to meet your person in the middle
26:32you're not gonna love every single thing that they do everybody has faults nobody's perfect
26:38and sometimes you may learn things later in your relationship you'd be like oh i know you was like
26:42that and if you don't like something about your person that you're in love with you have to conversate
26:47and talk about it and then if they love you just as much then they'll be willing to change
26:52you know but not completely change where they change as a total person and and they're not the
26:57person that you fell in love with but just so that both of you are still happy yeah you know it has to
27:02be like a happy medium somewhere yeah absolutely that's beautiful i think i think oftentimes people
27:11expect somebody else to make their whole life this big happy thing i think when individuals
27:18are fully sure with what makes them happy can identify with what makes them happy and um when
27:23they're unhappy i think that's when a healthy relationship can start because i think oftentimes
27:28people kind of get with somebody and they expect the person to save them yes and that's that's just never
27:34the case i don't care who the person is how great they are to you how much they love you if you're
27:38if you have something inside that hasn't been healed or you're extremely damaged it's just you
27:42know that kind of has to kind of work itself before prior to that's such a good point because i do think
27:48a lot of times we look for a person to complete us and that's just not going to happen and it's an
27:53unfair burden to put on another person to have this expectation that that this person will complete us
27:59so that is uh amazing advice thank you so much i want to ask as we as we wrap up so we've wrapped up with
28:06our myth and fact um questions so let's give a round of applause for that anybody surprised anybody
28:13surprised by any of these answers myths you thought were myths no yeah maybe you were like no that's
28:18a fact and folks were like oh really um i'd love to hear what you all what are you looking most forward
28:24to um as you get ready to welcome your beautiful baby boy for me i'm looking for the boy peeing on her
28:36she told me the baby the baby boy's gonna pee on us it's not gonna be on purpose all i said was when
28:41you change the diapers some of the weedy bird sticks up and it pees on you yeah it's just gonna happen
28:46when that air hits it's just gonna happen it's something that's not gonna be able to be avoided
28:51so what i'm looking forward to the most is um this whole entire journey has been so meaningful to
28:56her and she's such a nurturing person and a lot of people look at her and feel like she's just hard
29:02excuse you uh messing up my swag shoot him up bang bang you know but you know she's this very nurturing
29:10person so she's really really really enjoyed this journey so i think what i'm looking forward to the
29:15most is when we finally feel a baby kick you know like because this she's just been so oh my god i don't
29:20want to hurt my baby and i can't stretch it you know just all of these different things it's just
29:25amazing to watch yeah so i just can't wait till that happens and then of course uh upon delivery and
29:30her first meeting the baby i really really can't wait to our baby boys and our hands
29:35she's gonna be a she's gonna be a she's gonna be a mess yeah a pile you're gonna be a puddle
29:47well i i i cannot thank you all enough for joining us today this was such a great conversation
29:54thank you for having us thank you so so much and i hope you all were taking notes because i'm taking
29:59mental notes i'm about to get back to my phone and write it all down real quick congratulations thank
30:03you it's so beautiful just to see you all as a couple your love is really palpable like i feel
30:08it thank you um it's just it's so it's just so incredible congratulations and your baby boy is
30:15very very lucky thank you thanks for having us
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