- 16 hours ago
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00:00My name is April Dupree. I'm a fitness and wellness expert and television personality here in New Orleans. I am a Jane of all trades, master of some. As I like to tell people as I get older, I will be a master of all. But until then, I am just a master of some. If you ask my husband, I am a master of none.
00:26But that's a whole different topic, conversation, and location. We are here with two amazing people and I'm actually going to introduce Dr. Ayanna Abrams. She is going to have an amazing conversation with this very handsome man. Good thing that my husband is home to talk to you guys about the four warning signs that you may or are in a toxic relationship. So I'm going to hand the mic over to you and then y'all can get started. Thank you for joining us.
00:53Thank you so much. Hi, everyone. Thanks for joining us. I first want to say, can y'all come up? Come on now. Come on up to us. We're in this together. What are we doing back there?
01:06Don't be shy. Don't be shy. S is this family, ain't it? I'll wait a second. Come on up. Come on up.
01:16I'm not going to call y'all out. We're not going to do this like a comedy stage. So don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.
01:24But as April said, my name is Dr. Ayanna Abrams. I am a licensed clinical psychologist. I'm based in Atlanta, Georgia.
01:30And today we're going to have a really, really good conversation about toxic relationships. And I want to introduce my co-facilitator.
01:36Hey, hey, welcome to Essence. Have a good time. Right, right. That's all right. So my name is Dr. Aldewan Tart, also based out of Atlanta, Georgia.
01:48I'm a clinical psychologist with a faith-based background. So today we're going to talk about healing relationships for like 20-something years, right, together.
01:57I work with Dr. Ayanna a lot in the tag team. So you don't get a clinical husband and wife team talking about how to know when to stay and how to know when to go when it comes to a relationship.
02:08Like sometimes it's just bad, like a bad spot. But how do you know between a bad spot and something that's toxic that's never going to change?
02:16So we're going to talk about the four signs that you're in a toxic relationship.
02:21Dr. Ayanna, what, I mean, how do you know? Because, you know, you're in it, right? You don't know if it's just your stuff or this thing is never going to work.
02:30Yep. And I think as you said, four, there's more than four, but we're going to try to give you, right, what we can, right?
02:35So when you think about toxicity, what I really want us to pay attention to is that it's not just a one-off.
02:41It's not discomfort. It's not this thing that's annoying, but like, I hate the way he chews. Like, that's not toxic. It's a thing. That's not toxicity, right?
02:50So when we are talking about something that feels toxic to you, it's something that is draining.
02:55It's something that is eating away at you, right, your energy, right, your sense of safety in a relationship.
03:02And it's something over time that doesn't get better just on its own.
03:06It's something that you would actually have to, like, work on to really shift and change course.
03:10But you're thinking about whether I am drained in this relationship, whether I don't feel safe in this relationship.
03:16But when I say safe, I mean emotional safety, right? Can I share my emotions without, right, fear of being attacked, right, fear of being gaslighted?
03:25We'll talk about that, right? You know, kind of fear of being dismissed or ignored.
03:29It is, you know, kind of mental safety. It is physical safety.
03:33Do I feel physically safe in this person's presence, right?
03:36It is safety around finances, right? We're looking at safety.
03:40Do I feel like I can be myself in this relationship or am I penalized for being myself in this relationship?
03:46And if that's an ongoing pattern, we're looking at something that probably feels toxic to you and probably is toxic, right, for the both of you.
03:54And again, I really want to stress that piece about safety.
03:56Can I be my whole self in this relationship or do I get penalized for it, right?
04:02Do I get judged? Do I get insulted? Is there name-calling?
04:05Those are the kinds of things that I'm talking about and that we're talking about when we say toxic.
04:09It is corrosive. It will not get better unless something literally changes, right?
04:15Anything you would add to that?
04:16You know, it was interesting. How many of you are helpers or healers?
04:20How many of y'all are fixers, helpers, or healers? Raise your hand.
04:23Now I know I need to see more hands.
04:24Here it is. Here it is. I know a black girl magic, right?
04:27Guess who you attract?
04:29People who need help, need healing.
04:32How many pleasers in the room, right?
04:34If you're a pleaser, you're going to attract someone who wants to be pleased.
04:38So there is a thing called being too nice.
04:41We focus a lot on the narcissist.
04:43We focus a lot on the selfish part of the relationship.
04:46But do you know who's the best bedfellow for someone who's narcissistic or too selfish or self-absorbed?
04:54It's someone who's too nice.
04:57Someone is like, don't worry about me.
04:59It's all about you. I'm going to take care of you.
05:01I'm going to make sure you're good because in my mind, if I'm good to you, you'll be good to me.
05:09And what that opens up is something that psychologists call social exchange theory.
05:14Social exchange theory is where you enter into a relationship thinking about cost-benefit.
05:20So if I'm dating you, I'm like, what can I get out of this relationship?
05:24Like a business deal.
05:25When you're going to negotiate, when you're out in the country at like an open market,
05:30aren't you trying to get the best price?
05:32All right, so say you go in and you pay for a watch, right?
05:35And they say, it's $100.
05:37And you say, okay, fine.
05:38Is the vendor going to say, no, you should really talk me down, right?
05:43So in relationships, if you go in and you giving it, raise your hand, you giving it your all.
05:48You know what?
05:49I'm her, right?
05:50I'm him.
05:51I'm going to give it my all.
05:52But you never thought about, is this an even exchange?
05:56And before you know it, you catch feelings with someone who is toxic and then you're stuck.
06:03What do they do?
06:04Dr. Andy, if they're in the relationship, how do they find presence as a beautiful black queen
06:09to pivot when you're in love?
06:11Yep.
06:12So I think the first part of the pivot is that you have to be attuned to yourself.
06:17And what I know and what I notice with a lot of black women, what I've experienced as a black woman
06:21is that we are very disconnected from ourselves, right?
06:25Because to be connected to yourself in a world, right, that doesn't take care of us, it feels really painful.
06:30So we've learned over time to disconnect, compartmentalize, fragment, push through, do it anyway, right?
06:38So it makes it really hard to even notice when you're in something that's toxic.
06:42If I'm not connected to myself, how do I know how deep my pain is, right?
06:46If I'm not spending time with myself to know what even wellness looks like, if I don't have models of wellness
06:51and other kinds of relationships and health, how would I even be able to know that this ain't it?
06:56So it starts with you and it starts with your body, right?
06:58So I always support body-based, right, engagement where you are just spending time with yourself
07:03so you know what a violation feels like, right?
07:07And most of the times, let me tell the truth, we know when we're feeling violated, but we've been taught to ignore it, right?
07:13We've been taught that whatever is this thing that we might get on the outside of this is worth us, right?
07:19Feeling dejected, feeling defeated, feeling hurt, it'll get better, right?
07:23So we've learned over time, we've learned from our parents, we've learned from our mothers and our grandmothers and our aunts
07:28that, oh, life is hard, right?
07:31It's going to be twice as, you've got to work twice as hard to be half as good.
07:35And when you learn that from a really young age, you can't really discern what's healthy and what's unhealthy for you, right?
07:41So I really think it's important to start with you to know, like, oh, something doesn't feel great about this, right?
07:47And this continues to happen.
07:49The other piece that I think is really important for us is community.
07:52Because oftentimes when we're in the thick of it, we don't know.
07:56We can't tell.
07:57And it's too hard for us to tell the truth because then I'm going to lose the thing that I really want.
08:02I'm going to lose this relationship.
08:04The world has told me, right, to give you a black woman, that my value is based on my relationship to a man and to a partner.
08:10So I can't lose this.
08:12I've got to hold on to this.
08:13No matter what I may lose, community is really important because your friends and the people around you are going to tell you all that stuff that you don't want to hear, but that you need to be listening to.
08:23Let's get real.
08:23Let's get real.
08:24Men have been in toxic relationships.
08:26I was in a toxic relationship, right?
08:29But something that got me was called, we're going to teach psychology.
08:32Sunk cost fallacy.
08:35Oh, yeah.
08:35Sunk cost theory.
08:37What sunk cost theory is, is I put so much into this relationship.
08:42If I move on, I have nothing.
08:44So let me put more into this.
08:46I know I've been dating for two or three years, but if I leave it, I have nothing.
08:50And what you're doing is like doubling down on a stock that's going to go to zero.
08:53You're doubling down on a man or a woman or a partner that's only going to waste, I'm going to be real, your childbearing years.
09:00You're going to be, you wasted five years when you wanted to have family, you wanted to be married.
09:05Other men are pursuing you.
09:06Other people are coming at you, but you have this sunk cost fallacy.
09:10And so because I told everyone and my pride was in it, I was like, no, you know, being a helper, what do we say?
09:16I can fix some, right?
09:18You don't crack, girl.
09:19I got you, right?
09:20That's what you're in substance abuse, right?
09:22You can get depressed, girl.
09:23You can just go to church.
09:24You can get some antidepressants, have some talk therapy.
09:27So make sure you look out for sunk cost fallacy because the one thing you want to regret is while you're worrying about losing the partner and losing self-esteem and losing telling your friends we're not together,
09:40again, what you need to focus on is losing time when you can be with someone else.
09:47So how do you know whether you are with, say you're Sierra, how do you know you're with Future and Future's never going to change?
09:57Or how do you know if you're Beyonce and you're with Jay-Z and you speak up and he goes to counseling?
10:03So, Daniella, what can women do?
10:06I know it happens to men, but what can women do to have more presence in a relationship when you love him, you love her?
10:14What language do they use to be seen and heard to evoke change to figure out if it's Future or Jay-Z?
10:22Yeah.
10:22And, you know, I really like those kinds of, you know, examples.
10:25And when we talk about change, it's really important to know that you cannot change someone else.
10:34Come on.
10:35You cannot change someone else.
10:41You can change how you move around someone else who's willing to change or not.
10:46But you cannot change someone else.
10:48And that is something that when we think about these theories, right, sunk in cost theory, right?
10:51If I just do this, I put this much in, if I keep putting this much in, they're going to change.
10:57They're going to see how good I am.
10:58They're going to see that I'm the best fit for them.
11:00They're going to see this future that we can picture, pun intended, right?
11:04But really owning and honoring that, man, if I cannot change, what can I change in this?
11:09And that is you.
11:10That is you.
11:11That is how you move.
11:12That is how you walk in this.
11:13That is how you choose to be close to this.
11:15So I really want to remind you, because we tend to think that we can change people by doing more, by giving more.
11:22The first thing you need to know is that I can't change you.
11:24What I can do is ask for you to make changes, right?
11:28I think the biggest tool that women have in relationships is your voice, right?
11:31Then we talk about your actions, right?
11:33Your voice is the first step.
11:35This is what I'm willing to do and not willing to do.
11:38This is what I want to see and what I don't want to see anymore.
11:42This is what I want to feel when I'm with you.
11:44I don't want to feel like this anymore when I'm with you, right?
11:48We have to be able to also know the difference between those things and get really good at communicating them.
11:54Get really good at taking the risks to do them because this is all vulnerability.
11:58It's all really hard work, but with practice, it builds confidence.
12:02But you don't build confidence when you're silent, right?
12:04So I think the first thing to say is that you have to know what it is that you need and then build a curse to say,
12:10I deserve these things.
12:11I get to ask for this.
12:14But look, as a man, can I chime in?
12:17Chime in, chime in.
12:18You know what's confusing?
12:20And it's your own goodness working against you confusing men.
12:25Is that you'll say, I found that most women have no problem or they find their voice in saying it in some shape, form, or fashion.
12:32I'm unhappy and I love when you say this is how I want to feel.
12:36But what will happen is you'll say what you want to feel, you'll talk about what's not working, but then two days later you'll behave as if everything is cool.
12:44That was part two.
12:44So we're thinking like, okay, you want me to change, you want me to date you, you want me to be faithful, and we're arguing for two days, but on Saturday we're making love.
12:54You're thinking, let me do my womanly duties.
12:57Let me be nice.
12:58Let me keep doing A plus, you know, work.
13:03And then what that does is it diminishes the talk we had two days ago because how mad could you be if we're making love?
13:10You're hosting Easter dinner, we're having a Christmas Eve party, we're going on a date and snapping pictures on social media.
13:18So I tell you, so listen, women, men respond to action.
13:24And I'm like, my brother, like my man and I started talking, we're not going to argue for 30 days.
13:28Y'all can do that.
13:29He's going to say what you want to do.
13:30I'm going to say what you want to do because he's bigger than me.
13:32I'm going to say, all right, don't worry about it, right?
13:34But if your actions, if your words and your actions align, that's when you're going to get his attention.
13:41When he goes in and kiss you and you pull back and he's like, what's wrong with you?
13:45And you say, remember that conversation we had two days ago?
13:48I'm still hurting.
13:50I'm still needing what I need.
13:52If you keep that same energy with your behavior, if you dance differently, like Dr. Young said, we're forced to move now to your pace.
14:03Yep.
14:04Absolutely.
14:05Right.
14:05So it's not just about, that's why this is in stages and steps.
14:08It's not an easy thing to do or talk about, right?
14:10Everything's easier said than done, right?
14:12But you want to match your words to your actions, right?
14:15Particularly when it comes to, and I don't think I named this before, boundaries, right?
14:19Boundary setting.
14:20If this is what I say that I want to experience and I know that this is what I'm going to do if I don't experience this, I have to follow through on that.
14:28That's the only way in which I can tell whether you can follow through or not.
14:31But if I keep going back and forth, I don't really know what the issue is here, right?
14:36And I'm sending these kind of mixed signals.
14:37It doesn't mean there's going to be some issues that come up that we do get over.
14:40Like, okay, I was annoyed by this a few days ago.
14:43It's not festering in the same way.
14:45But when I'm talking about these things around toxicity, those things don't go away.
14:50Those are things that you are thinking about and feeling for days, for weeks, for months.
14:54I work with couples who will do stonewalling.
14:57They will come in and say, we haven't talked to each other in two weeks.
15:01We do the logistical stuff around the house.
15:03We make sure the kids are good.
15:04We make sure there's food, all that stuff.
15:06But, like, we don't talk.
15:07We'll get in the bed together.
15:08We're single.
15:09Yes.
15:10We don't talk.
15:11I'm still mad.
15:13I'm still mad.
15:14And we know each other's mad, but we're not doing nothing about it.
15:16We don't know what to do.
15:17And he knows you're not going anywhere.
15:19She knows you're not going anywhere because you're in that some-cause fallacy.
15:23So you're saying it, but he knows that you're not going anywhere because what else are you going to do?
15:28Where else are you going to go?
15:30Your identity is tied into this vision you have of fixing him because you're a fixer.
15:36You fix everything at work.
15:37You fix family.
15:38You fix other people.
15:40Am I talking to the right people?
15:41Right?
15:41You're the fixer.
15:42People call you, so who am I not to fix my partner?
15:45But here's the thing.
15:46All right, and I don't know them personally, obviously.
15:48This is what I believe Beyonce said to Jay-Z.
15:53All right, because Jay-Z said, I'm from the Marcy Projects.
15:55When you met me, you knew what was going on.
15:58You already know I'm Jigga Man, right?
16:00And Beyonce said, well, you know what?
16:02I'm Beyonce.
16:03And if you don't change, you'll have to be your father.
16:07And you'll walk out on your children.
16:10Right?
16:10And if you want to be that guy, be that guy.
16:13But you can't be who you are right now and be present for your kids.
16:20In order for this relationship to work, I have to be as happy as you are.
16:25So when you say your voice and your behavior change, you actually switch to power.
16:32You switch to power because now if you're the one giving and pleasing and healing and he leaves in this example, and you leave in the example, who's getting less?
16:43Right, because all the talent is leaving.
16:48And that's why, how many of y'all break up with someone and then they want to hit you up?
16:52And we have to almost break up with him and then they want to, that's it.
16:55It's not the fact that you're breaking up.
16:57It's the fact that your presence is rising and you're behaving and they're trying to move to keep you.
17:02If you keep that same energy, you'll have that man on his toes for the rest of your life.
17:06Another thing that I think is important to know in terms of toxicity is that when you are experiencing something that feels really difficult to move through, it can feel really isolating.
17:17You can have a lot of shame about it, right?
17:19It can be hard to be in conversations like this.
17:21If you're like going back through your relationships, like, dang, stayed in that a bit too long.
17:25Or if you are a person, right, as we're talking, you're just like, oh, well, okay, I have tried to control my partner, right?
17:31I have said some of these things to my partner.
17:33I don't feel as secure.
17:35So I'm trying to kind of find some way to kind of rally around this.
17:38It can bring up a lot of guilt and shame.
17:40And one thing that happens for a lot of people who are navigating toxic circumstances is they stop talking about it.
17:46They stop communicating about it outside of this relationship.
17:49So I can talk to my partner all day, every day, and I can, this issue, and I don't like this, and I don't like this, and I don't like this, and I don't like this, and I don't like this, and I don't like this.
17:55And now we're stuck in our own cycle of this, which is why, not so shameless plug, couple therapy is very, very helpful, very, very helpful, right?
18:03But when you get stuck in that cycle, it gets harder and harder for you to get out of the cycle because the only person that knows what's going on is the person who you're engaging with this about, right?
18:11So really wanting to be mindful, right, of not only the isolation but the consequences of that isolation.
18:17I work with so many women who are in toxic dynamics, who are depressed, who are super, super anxious because they've internalized all this hostile energy, right?
18:27They've internalized all these narratives that everything they're doing is wrong, they're not doing enough, right?
18:32They should be doing this and this and this better.
18:34That's why they're single.
18:35We see so many conversations out there in the world about why black women are single.
18:39There's a reason, right, why we spend more time in toxic relationships.
18:42And that toxic man is telling you this because you're the fixer.
18:46He keeps saying, well, if you did this and you did that, then it wouldn't be this way when he's using that against you.
18:51Yep.
18:51So you have this echo chamber.
18:53So community is really, really important to do the hard thing, to talk to your people about what you are actually going through, not just complaining about your partner.
19:01Because then again, your friends get sick of it.
19:03They don't want to hear it anymore.
19:05You always got something to say, but you still in it.
19:07You still go back.
19:07We hear all these dynamics that make us feel more shameful versus going to a friend and saying,
19:11I'm feeling really stuck.
19:13That's a different conversation.
19:14Not just they did this, they did this, I'm mad again, we're not talking tonight.
19:18All this kind of stuff happened.
19:19Your friends have all the examples.
19:21But going to them with that vulnerability that says, I'm in something and I'm struggling.
19:26I need help.
19:27I need somebody to see me in this to help me even believe that I can get out of this.
19:32It can offer remarkable change for you in your body that says, oh, I don't have to stay in this.
19:38So community is very, very key when you're feeling like something is getting more toxic.
19:42You're not going to be able to leave without community.
19:44Let's keep it real.
19:45Why would you leave something bad for nothing?
19:48Let's just be human.
19:49I'll leave something bad for something better.
19:52I'll leave something bad to maybe something as bad and new.
19:55All right?
19:56So I tell clients, I say, should I leave right now?
19:58I say, no, we're not set up for you to leave.
20:00How many of you ever left and then you start fiending for them?
20:03All right?
20:04You go back even worse.
20:06You start fiending.
20:08Everyone's been there, male or female, right?
20:10You only tuff for about 24 hours, right?
20:13Then you're lonely and then you start texting, right?
20:15That happens because you don't have community set up.
20:18And what we know about black women in research is that black women are happiest when they have three solid girlfriends who they spend time with.
20:26Research shows that having dinner, this is not true for men, Dr. Yana, that having dinner with three or four of your closest girlfriends over wine and laughing is better than sex.
20:38Most women rate that, right?
20:39Men think that's a lot, right?
20:42But we all get it because of the energy of black women connected.
20:45And so if you don't have that tribe and you've been isolated or you isolate or you don't trust other women, do you see how if he's your best friend, he's your business partner, you get it?
20:58If it's too many things, it's going to be hard for you to leave, not because there's something wrong or there's any weakness, you just don't have enough community.
21:06So let's do 50-50 on this.
21:08We talked about the four things.
21:09It's four things that you need to have in a relationship for it not to be toxic.
21:14Let's go 50-50.
21:16One, investment size.
21:19So let's talk about it.
21:20How do you have 50-50 investment in a relationship?
21:23What's toxic and what's healthy?
21:25Yeah.
21:25So when I think about 50-50, I think it's a good number.
21:29It's a good number, right?
21:31I think there needs to be some flexibility around it, right?
21:32But thinking about what is it that I'm offering into this because everything is an offering, right?
21:37What am I offering into this?
21:38But also being clear about what do I want to get out of this?
21:41And not in terms of a transactional exchange, but relationships, right, have this kind of symbiotic way in which we put in, we get out, we replenish, we rejuvenate.
21:50There's something that's calling me back into this.
21:52And now what is this cycle that we are creating?
21:54You got to be really clear, right?
21:56This is what I want to bring into this.
21:58This is what I'm working on.
21:59This is what I'm doing.
21:59This is how I'm investing in myself to be able to invest in the relationship.
22:03But I'm also requiring the same investments of you, right?
22:06It doesn't have to be the same exact thing.
22:07I'm in therapy.
22:08You ain't got to be in therapy.
22:09I prefer it.
22:10But you got to be doing something.
22:12No, no.
22:12If we're having problems, I'm not doing therapy by myself.
22:15Yeah.
22:16Oh, you're having a couple of stuff.
22:17If I have individual issues, don't we both need to be?
22:20Yeah.
22:21Mm-hmm.
22:22Mm-hmm.
22:22Right?
22:23So don't do too much.
22:25See, what you do is you keep doing three and four and five and be stuck on one.
22:29You stop at five.
22:30I'm not going to do another thing until you start making four or more investments in the
22:34relationship or the marriage so it can be even.
22:38Number two, mutual satisfaction.
22:41Mm-hmm.
22:41A toxic relationship is going to be very satisfying to a toxic partner.
22:46He or she's coming up and you're over there dying, right?
22:49He or she's eating all the steak.
22:50You're eating the crumbs, right?
22:52So let's talk about 50-50 mutual satisfaction.
22:56Mm-hmm.
22:56First, going back to what I said, you got to know what satisfy you, right?
23:00You have to know that before you're even in this relationship, these are the things that
23:04I know that satisfy me.
23:05Do you do those things?
23:06Do you like those things?
23:07Are you willing to do and learn those things?
23:10How are you naming that these are the things that I want to see in this and then letting
23:14them say yes or no to that so you know exactly what you're dealing with versus silently
23:18having this expectation that you can do all the things because you love me?
23:23Right.
23:23Right?
23:23If in healthy relationships, the minute you say you're not happy is the minute everything
23:28stops.
23:29Stop washing the dishes.
23:31Stop washing the game.
23:32Hold up.
23:33Let's talk about this at lunch.
23:34If you're not happy, healthy relationships make this shift because they know it's only
23:39going to get worse.
23:40So it's not about being perfect.
23:42It's about making perfect adjustments often.
23:45Number three, accommodated behavior.
23:48Mm-hmm.
23:48All right?
23:49So accommodate.
23:50So you're in a relationship, Dr. Yana.
23:52All right, let's talk about accommodations in a toxic relationships or lack thereof versus
23:58a healthy one.
23:59And accommodations, I want to separate that from what we see as like codependency and
24:04dependency in relationships, right?
24:06Accommodations are what is the rule that I can make for my partner to feel safe in this
24:10relationship?
24:11Not for my partner to feel right or righteous or get their way, right?
24:15The last thing you want to do in a relationship is always be right.
24:18That means something ain't going well if you always have to be right.
24:21But one of the things that I'm willing to offer that helps my partner feel closer and
24:25safer to me, that also does not mean that I'm neglecting myself, right?
24:30Accommodations do not require self-neglect.
24:33They require movement and movement towards each other, but not at the sacrifice of things
24:38related to your health and your well-being in a relationship.
24:40Yeah, in the Bible, Ecclesiastes 4 and 9, it says, two is better than one for they get
24:45better return for their labor.
24:46So we're talking about accommodations.
24:49Don't we have to accommodate one another?
24:51Yep.
24:51And I'm at the hotel and I say, I don't like my room.
24:54And they say, what would you like to do about the accommodations?
24:57I'm going to have to pay more to level up.
24:59We're both happy.
25:00I want the better room for what you charge.
25:02And they got more money.
25:03That's a healthy relationship where you're able to move together.
25:08One of the biggest things you're looking for.
25:09One of the things you're looking for is a man, a husband.
25:12We're talking about a heterosexual relationship.
25:14The biggest factor in a man being a good husband is how influenceable he is.
25:19A man that can't be influenced can't be a good husband.
25:22Because y'all know, right?
25:24And number four is quality of alternatives.
25:28Quality of alternatives.
25:30You stay stuck.
25:31Let's keep it real.
25:32You stay stuck in a relationship because the way you think you can go is not better than
25:36the way you are.
25:37So once you change the quality of alternatives, talk about how you can have the mindset to
25:42leave something and go to something better.
25:44Yes.
25:45I think that that, even when you talk about quality, one, in one way you're talking about
25:49quality of other relationships that I could experience that could feel better than this.
25:53But I also want you to think about quality in other relationships that you have.
25:56Because a lot of black women sacrifice their friendships for, right, their dating partners.
26:01And two, quality of the relationship with yourself.
26:04That sometimes, and particularly when you're in a toxic dynamic, it is, it doesn't feel
26:08better, but it is better to be by yourself.
26:11And if you can't be by yourself, it's going to be really, really hard to leave a toxic dynamic.
26:15So if you are not connecting with yourself, going back to my first talking point, then
26:19this is all going to be a lot harder.
26:20So we're looking at quality not only in terms of other people, but quality in terms of your
26:24connection to yourself.
26:25I'm a good damn time.
26:26I know that.
26:27But if you're not a good time for yourself, you're going to be stuck in some relationships
26:31because you're always going to think that something outside of you is better.
26:34I want you to remember, I'm the best.
26:37I'm the scene, right?
26:38I'm where this is.
26:39That means everything else that I do has to enhance what I already know.
26:44We'll end on this.
26:45And Steve Harvey talked about it.
26:47He was dating Marjorie Harvey.
26:49And Marjorie Harvey, he had told Marjorie, I don't want to be married anymore.
26:52I've done it three times.
26:53I don't want to be her anymore.
26:54I don't want to do it.
26:55You're just going to have to shack up.
26:56That's what it is.
26:57And Marjorie woke up one day and she looked in the mirror and said, this is not me.
27:01I tried it on.
27:02How many of you thought about settling?
27:03I tried it on.
27:04I thought I could do it.
27:05It was better than nothing.
27:06But every day I feel like I'm living a lie.
27:09All right?
27:10And she says, I'm sorry, Steve.
27:11You kept it real with me.
27:12You told me from the very beginning that what it was.
27:15But I'm sorry.
27:16I'm dying in this relationship because I know I'm being less than.
27:20And she started to walk towards the door.
27:22And at that point, things pivoted.
27:24Because what Steve Harvey knew, what every man knows that's with a fixer, a healer, a pleaser,
27:30a black girl magic, a wife, is that she won't make it.
27:34Down the street before another man said, you know you want to commit to her?
27:38I got it.
27:38Right?
27:39Look at how she's leveled up his fashion.
27:42Look at how she's leveled up his life.
27:44Look at how she's leveled up his ability to manage his family.
27:47That's what a good woman, a good wife, a good partner does.
27:51So once you have presence, you force us to see you.
27:55You force your partner to see you.
27:57It's not about the partner.
27:58It's often about you.
28:01So as we wrap up, I'm going to tell them how to find you.
28:04Absolutely.
28:05So again, I am Dr. Ayanna Abrams.
28:08You can find me on Instagram.
28:09That's where I run my mouth the most.
28:11At Dr. Ayanna underscore A.
28:14That's D-R underscore A-Y-A-N-N-A underscore A.
28:18If you DM me with your email address, I will put you on my mailing list where we talk a lot
28:22about all of this.
28:24All of this.
28:25And she is the truth, y'all.
28:26Her wait list is long, right?
28:28Hey, if you want this presentation, I'm going to send it to you.
28:31Just text 770-637-5710, 770-637-5710, and just type toxic or notes, whatever you want,
28:41relationship advice, and I'm going to send you notes right to your phone, right to your
28:45email so that you'll have the best.
28:47My name is Dr. Tart.
28:49On behalf of Dr. Ayanna, in essence, how many of us are going to move out of toxic into healthy
28:54relationships?
28:55All right.
28:57God bless.
28:58God bless.
28:59God bless.
28:59God bless.
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