- 2 weeks ago
Three Black fathers unite for a candid conversation on parenting, self-care and showing up excellent as fathers, husbands and co-parents in 2021 and beyond.
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00:00We have three amazing black fathers who are going to come here and tell you about their
00:08kids transitioning from real-world education in the last year.
00:12You know, during COVID, it's been really hard transitioning in school, and they're here
00:17to talk right now.
00:18So please give it up for Nate Burleson, Dr. Javar Godfrey, and Jamil Spencer.
00:26Jamil Spencer!
00:30What's up, everybody?
00:31How we doing?
00:32We needed that SWV.
00:33That SWV.
00:34Thank you for the introduction.
00:35That week.
00:36We needed that week.
00:37What's up, y'all?
00:39How we doing tonight?
00:40Yes, yes.
00:41Hello, everybody.
00:43Great to see everybody tonight.
00:44My name is Jamil Spencer, and I have the pleasure of hosting this conversation with two extraordinary
00:50brothers, two of my favorite fathers in the world, as we talk about how we help our children
00:56re-acclimate to regular world, what the new normal will look like going forward after
01:00the pandemic.
01:01And we're going to talk about it as fathers to our children, but we're going to also talk
01:06about it as partners to our wives, to our baby mamas, to our mamas' mamas, right?
01:14Yeah.
01:15Because that's important, too.
01:16We can't be in this safe space of essence with all these beautiful black queens and not
01:19talk about how we hold our women down, too.
01:21That's a fact.
01:22So let's get right to it.
01:24I'm joined by Dr. Godfrey, by Javar Godfrey, and Nate Burleson.
01:31And I think, Godfrey, it will be really important for you to help us understand what exactly
01:34it is you do, because you are going to be the one that's dropping the jewels on the jewels
01:39of engagement going forward.
01:41Okay, okay.
01:42So you explain to us exactly what it is you do, my brother.
01:45So first of all, thank you.
01:46And I can't do nothing without you and you, so it's us.
01:49Okay.
01:50But anyway, so I do emotional health.
01:52You hear the word mental health a lot, and I'm away from that because that comes with
01:56pills.
01:57I do emotional health, so with me, it's all about your emotions.
02:00So I have three things.
02:01It's called triple threat.
02:03Your thoughts, your triggers, and your trauma.
02:06I'll start with thoughts because we all have them, and they're negative a lot.
02:11I love to always say that 95% of what you thought about today, you thought about yesterday,
02:16meaning you copied and pasted that.
02:1880% of that is negative.
02:20So we got to jump in that to erase that or to at least slow it down.
02:24So my big thing is triple threat, thoughts, triggers, trauma.
02:29Depending on your level, that's where we go.
02:31That's what I love to do.
02:32And just remember that only 10% of happiness comes from circumstance.
02:3790% is what you think.
02:39So keep that in your head.
02:4010% and 90%.
02:43And then triggers.
02:44This is big.
02:45Why do you go from zero to 10?
02:47How do you get there?
02:49More importantly, who knows?
02:51Lastly, trauma.
02:54What's your event?
02:55What happened to you?
02:57Why do you feel the way you feel?
02:59Why haven't you spoke that?
03:01That's me.
03:02That's dope.
03:03That's dope.
03:04Powerful.
03:05Nate, you being one of my favorite fathers in the world, we have real
03:09conversation and men trying to understand how to be better fathers to our children.
03:14You know, how do you focus and be intentional around building your kids' self-esteem, especially
03:20with all that we've been through?
03:21You know, we as black folks are just taught to keep it moving, right?
03:25Yeah.
03:26Bad things happen, we keep it pushing.
03:27We show up as our best selves.
03:28We are an amazing people in that way.
03:30But we still have that pain.
03:32So how do you, like, after coming through all the things that we've come through, and
03:35nobody's really talking about it, how are you intentional around building your kids' self-esteem?
03:40No doubt about it.
03:41First, give Jamil Spencer a round of applause.
03:43Real.
03:44This is one of my favorite fathers in the world.
03:46Real.
03:47Legit, like, 50% of our conversations revolve around our family.
03:52So the great thing about talking to you guys right now, we've talked about these things time
03:56and time again.
03:57When it comes to being intentional and raising the self-esteem of my kids, I have a 17-year-old
04:04young man, a 15-year-old young man, and my daughter who's soon to be 11.
04:08You know, I feel like you have to focus every day on trying to put a battery in their back.
04:14You have to charge them up because there's so many things that are depleting them.
04:19It could be the circumstances.
04:21It could be what they went through during the pandemic.
04:23We don't give them enough credit for how strong they were to get through the pandemic as well.
04:28It could be school.
04:29It could be the stress from school and sports.
04:31It could be the pressure as a parent that I put on them.
04:34And I have to realize that their battery could be low at times.
04:38And coming home and just expecting them to always have a smile on their face and not actually checking in with them.
04:43But understanding that their battery needs to be charged up.
04:47I can't just come home and expect my child to be in a good mood and say,
04:50Hey, was school good?
04:51Okay, cool.
04:52How everything else going?
04:53Okay, cool.
04:54And then move on to my day.
04:55I have to come in and ask those questions to be real intentional.
04:57It's kind of like what you're saying.
04:59How are you doing?
05:00How was your day?
05:01How are you feeling?
05:02Is everything all right?
05:04And then after that, you kind of get a gauge where they're at.
05:07Sometimes your kid could be at 100%.
05:09Man, school was awesome.
05:10I got sports a little later on.
05:12Man, I'm talking to this girl right now.
05:13I think I like her.
05:14You know what?
05:15Life is good, pops.
05:16Another day I could be talking to my daughter.
05:18I didn't have a good day, Dad.
05:19Like, I don't know.
05:20It's just a couple girls were a little catty at school and I'm struggling in this math class
05:25and I'm just not feeling good.
05:27Now I know my daughter's battery is about 25%.
05:30As a father, I got to figure out a way to charge her up.
05:33But here's the most important thing.
05:35We focus so much on our kids and making sure they're good, we have to make sure our battery is full, too.
05:40Amen.
05:41As parents, we have to focus on that.
05:43We talked about this a little bit earlier.
05:44Being a parent is like when the stewardess is talking to you right before the flight.
05:48They say, listen, in case of emergency, the air mask is going to come down and you need to put yours on before you put your kids on.
05:54I thought that was weird initially.
05:56I was like, why would I do that?
05:57If my baby is sitting next to me, I'm going to put it on her face to make sure she's good.
06:01But then I realized if I'm passed out, I can't help her.
06:05It's the same thing in life.
06:07If my battery is depleted from work, from stress, the things that I bring into my own life, I can't come home and charge up my family.
06:15So as a father, I have to make sure when I walk through that door, I'm as close to 100% as I can be.
06:21Because I want to give a little bit to my wife.
06:23I want to give a little bit to my oldest son, my second son, and then my daughter.
06:26So you have to be intentional in your own spirit in order to build somebody else's up.
06:30Now that's dope.
06:31Jabbar, what are some of the signs we can look for?
06:35Because I think the relationship between parents and children sometimes is inherently disciplinarian, right?
06:41So they look at you as someone that's always telling you what to do.
06:44So they might not be as forthcoming in terms of their feelings.
06:47What are some of the things we can look for in our children to see how they're suffering through this whole thing?
06:52Right.
06:53And so I'll always start with us.
06:55So the first thing you look for in your children is you.
06:58Where are you at?
06:59How do you feel?
07:00Because like you said earlier, you go into the mirror and practice what you're about to say.
07:04Yeah.
07:05And I talked about this earlier.
07:06Secondary trauma is real.
07:08The way you feel your kids will feel.
07:10Period.
07:11So when all this stuff happened, look for the same thing you look for in you.
07:15Withdrawal.
07:16No friends.
07:17Don't want to eat.
07:19Wear the same clothes every day.
07:21The phone's not ringing.
07:23Alone.
07:24Those are just small symptoms.
07:25But again, back to back to back.
07:27The average parent only spends 3.5 minutes of meaningful conversation per week.
07:33Say that again.
07:34The average parent only spends 3.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with their kids.
07:46So we talked about this earlier.
07:49Here's the conversation.
07:50How you doing?
07:51Good.
07:52You done.
07:53Go to your room.
07:54Go to sleep.
07:55Watch out.
07:56I'm over here.
07:57Clean that up.
07:58We can keep going.
07:59What part of that is meaningful?
08:00What's wrong?
08:01Check yourself.
08:02How do you speak?
08:03What do you talk about?
08:04When's the last time your kid really told you something real?
08:07When's the last time you really had an aha moment with your kid?
08:11Like straight like that.
08:12When's the last time you read with your kid?
08:14When's the last time you did homework with them for real?
08:17Or you just pay that off?
08:18Or you just wake up and just move to the next day?
08:20So those are some simple signs.
08:22I know I kind of went left.
08:23But 3.5 minutes is a shame.
08:26We spend more time on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and all that.
08:31And your kid's right there in your face.
08:33And then you wake up and they graduated.
08:35You wake up, they married.
08:36You wake up and your relationship is dead.
08:38You living there right now.
08:39Your daughter gone.
08:40She in college.
08:41I don't want...
08:42I don't want you, my bad.
08:43I don't want you to start crying.
08:44My bad.
08:45I'm just saying we was talking about her earlier.
08:46Okay, all right.
08:47But you cried when you dropped her off.
08:49Nah, go back to what you're saying.
08:50My bad, my bad, my bad.
08:51Share.
08:52Share with the people.
08:53Share with the people.
08:54This is a family.
08:55So you on TV all the time.
08:56I got to work on myself.
08:57I got two years until my older son is gone.
08:59I'm just saying.
09:00I want you to talk about that emotion.
09:02It could be gone.
09:04Okay.
09:05So you need to hear this though.
09:06This is real.
09:07I'll be honest with y'all.
09:08So I got an 18 year old, right?
09:09She plays at Mississippi State.
09:10When I dropped off at college, I dropped off my emotions with her.
09:14Everything stopped.
09:16That was my first kid.
09:18I had her in college, right?
09:19So when I dropped her off at Mississippi State, and you know, it was a time to walk away.
09:23You know, it's like, hey, all right, this is it.
09:26And she walked away like, all right, daddy.
09:27She tried to give me the hug.
09:30So then I walked to the car, had my one too.
09:35You know what I'm saying?
09:36But the reality is, the only reason I'm sad, because I'm in that.
09:40You hear me?
09:41That's my baby.
09:42And I love her to death.
09:43And I'm in her life.
09:44A lot of fathers out here are not in their lives.
09:47A lot of fathers out here need what we do.
09:50You know what I did today?
09:51I picked up.
09:52I asked him why he was such a good father.
09:54I told him and his wife that I watched him as a couple.
09:57I want to learn.
09:58I want to grow.
09:59I want to get better.
10:00And that's what our fathers, we need to be doing.
10:04We're walking away.
10:05You know, you got the same fathers out here.
10:07We were just talking about this.
10:09You the man, right?
10:10That's you.
10:11That's cool.
10:12But you don't know one kid.
10:13You don't got one youth in your neighborhood that you mess with.
10:16You can't go to the hood and say anything.
10:18Nobody know your name.
10:19But you complain.
10:21You're scared of their hair, because they got hair everywhere.
10:23Now you're backing off like, oh, look at them.
10:25And you start talking crazy, but you don't know their name.
10:28You have no idea what they're going through.
10:30Go ahead, man.
10:32Yeah, and let me say this, though.
10:34And shout out to the fathers, specifically the black fathers,
10:38that are in their families' lives.
10:40Yes, sir.
10:41That are great to their kids.
10:42I think my microphone went out.
10:43That are great to their kids, to their wives,
10:46that are great in their communities,
10:48that are great in the workplace, because we are here.
10:52We are present.
10:54We are relevant.
10:55So the narrative that we aren't alive and in existence is ridiculous.
11:00But we need to make sure that that narrative is being told more often,
11:04because there are more men like us that are out there.
11:07No, that's a perfect segue, because we done talked about the kids,
11:10and we're going to come back to the kids.
11:12But we can't be here at Essence with all these beautiful black women
11:15and talk about how we're upholding our black queens, too.
11:17That's a fact.
11:18So say more, Nate in particular, about how you and your wife partner
11:22to create the right environment for your kids to be their best selves.
11:26Well, shout out to my wife, Latoya Burleson, who's right there.
11:28I met her in 1999.
11:30I was just some young kid on campus.
11:34You know, you would look at me,
11:36you wouldn't think I was going to be an NFL athlete.
11:38Matter of fact, I had plans to make her my sugar mama,
11:40because she had a job and she was a track star.
11:43Hey, hey, sugar mama, hey.
11:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:46Ain't nothing wrong with that.
11:47And then it just so happened I turned out to be a decent football player.
11:50But all jokes aside, you know, they say, you know,
11:55behind every good man is a great woman.
11:57I say she's not behind a great man.
12:00She's right beside a great man.
12:02Say that again.
12:03She's not behind a great man.
12:05Beside every great man is a good woman.
12:09And that's my wife.
12:10And here's the thing.
12:12The way that we parent is to make sure that we're harmonious.
12:17And listen, no relationship is perfect,
12:20but you can have perfect intentions.
12:22So if I know that we want to parent well and we want to be in a good space,
12:26I have to make sure that she's in a good space.
12:29I have to make sure that I date her just like I used to.
12:32I have to make sure that she's happy and her needs are met.
12:36And when we focus on that, the household is so much better.
12:40Now, life sometimes can be overwhelming for everybody.
12:44I got a thousand jobs.
12:45She's working like crazy.
12:47The kids are off doing all these different things.
12:49And there's times we can go a week or two where we're sitting back saying,
12:52have we had some us time?
12:54Have we had some time for us to look at each other
12:56and tell us how much we appreciate each other?
12:58Have we had some time for us to be intimate physically and emotionally?
13:01And then we have to hit the reset button saying, let's get back to that.
13:05I mean, it's just like what I talked about earlier.
13:07How can you be able to invest in your kids if you're not investing in your own relationship?
13:11So that's first and foremost.
13:13So shout out to my wife, Latoya.
13:14You're going to have a good night.
13:17Shout out.
13:18Wifey, you the band.
13:20So listen, in the beginning of the pandemic, I think the biggest thing that really just hit people over the head was that homeschool.
13:27Like that homeschool was different.
13:30I think we really realized for the first time how hard teachers worked, right?
13:35How hard teachers worked, how difficult, how maybe we're not smarter than a fifth grader.
13:41Right.
13:42Like that was difficult.
13:44Yeah.
13:45So Javar, what advice would you give for teachers?
13:48Because teachers have been out of their A-game too, right?
13:50Yeah.
13:51Their memory muscle, like they've been teaching to a computer screen and not to a group of kids.
13:56So their ability to engage personally has been affected as well.
14:00What kind of advice would you give to teachers who are now about to receive our most precious commodity in our children, right?
14:07So how do we make sure they take care of our children properly?
14:10Well, first of all, again, we start with what I learned from you maybe two weeks ago.
14:14Grace.
14:15Give yourself grace.
14:16You good?
14:17You okay?
14:18First of all, stop.
14:19You are beautiful.
14:21You have a job.
14:23And these kids need you, number one.
14:25That's a fact.
14:26Look in the mirror and know that.
14:27Number two, just stop entering every situation as the teacher.
14:32Sometimes you got to be the student.
14:34Just because you're in class, I learn more from students than I learn from myself at times.
14:38My lesson sometimes don't get taught.
14:40And so one thing I would say is self-care.
14:43The next thing I would, no, first is grace.
14:45Self-care and don't enter every situation as the teacher.
14:48Sometimes come to learn.
14:50Right.
14:51Nate, one of the things I really appreciate and admire about you is the safe space that you create for your children.
14:56Where it's okay to be honest.
14:58Yeah.
14:59Right?
15:00Talk about that.
15:01Talk about your relationship with your children and how it maybe is different, right?
15:04Because we came from, you know, at least myself personally, right?
15:07Like do as I say, not as I do.
15:09I literally used to say to my kids, I'm not your friend.
15:11Yeah.
15:12Right?
15:13And now I realize the value in being their friend because I see how the people that they choose to be their friends affect their lives.
15:20And I definitely want to impact their lives more.
15:24Yeah.
15:25So talk more about the safe space that you create for your children and how you made it okay to be honest.
15:30Which is not normal for a parent-child relationship sometimes.
15:34Yeah, I got to give my wife another shout out because she's a communicator in the family.
15:38And she almost forced us to talk.
15:41You know, the dinner table is usually us scarfing down some food and then me going to watch TV, kids getting on their devices, and then Toya going to the room and hanging out and chilling and getting ready for bed.
15:53But there was a point in time where she was like, nah, we need to talk and we need to be honest about what's going on.
15:59And then we took it a step further.
16:00On birthdays, special occasions when we're celebrating somebody in the family, we will sit back at a dinner table at a restaurant and we'll go around the table and we'll say, give us a memory about this person.
16:11Say it's my wife's birthday.
16:12Give us a memory about your mom.
16:14And then we'll go around again and say, what makes her special?
16:17And everybody will go and they'll talk.
16:19And if you say, oh, I don't know, we're going to stop and we're going to wait until you come up with something.
16:24And this started years ago.
16:25I remember one time in particular, we were at a restaurant and my son Nehemiah, who was two years younger than his older brother, they're about eight and ten at this point.
16:35And, you know, we're all talking to Nate about how special he is because it was Nate's birthday.
16:41And Nehemiah went.
16:42And they're brothers, they're buttheads, but they love each other.
16:44You know, they're like a married couple.
16:46And so Nehemiah starts talking and he's like, you know, you're hard on me, but I love you.
16:53I appreciate you always looking out for me.
16:55And he starts getting choked up and he's like, for so long I was scared of the dark.
17:01He said, thank you for making me feel comfortable when the lights were off.
17:05And he starts crying.
17:07Nate starts crying.
17:08My daughter Mia is already emotional.
17:09She was crying as soon as we sat down.
17:11My wife starts crying.
17:12I start crying.
17:13We're in a public restaurant.
17:14Tears.
17:15No shame.
17:16No shame.
17:17We're not wiping our faces.
17:18No shame.
17:19We're not hiding our faces.
17:20Because this is all honest, real communication.
17:23And because of that, I'm thankful that my kids can communicate on that level.
17:26And fast forward, we talked about this a little bit earlier, having a real conversation with my son.
17:32Where I just basically was starting off like, yo, how's your day going?
17:35On his level.
17:36Like, oh, you see them one kicks?
17:37Oh, so you like the Kyrie's more than you like the LeBron's?
17:39Okay, that's what's up.
17:40Okay, yeah, yeah.
17:41Oh, have you heard that new song?
17:42So who's the new artist y'all listening to?
17:44I'm on his level already.
17:45We just communicating.
17:46And then I asked him about a date he went on.
17:48And then from there, he went on to tell me that he had a chance to do something with a young lady and really take that next step at a very young age.
17:54He said he didn't want to do that.
17:56And I said, well, why didn't you do that?
17:58He said, because you've always talked about how purity and maintaining your virginity is the sexiest thing an adult can have.
18:06So I didn't want my first time to be like that in that setting.
18:09And I wouldn't have got to that point in the conversation if at the very beginning I didn't meet him where he was at.
18:15And as one of the most powerful conversations I had during the pandemic was my son being honest about an almost sexual experience he had at a very young age.
18:24And I just thought that was deep because if he can tell me that now, I know he's going to open up to me when he's 25, 30, 40, 50, because I do want to be somebody he can confide in.
18:35I don't want him to look at me and say, ah, I'd rather tell my homeboy.
18:39I want him to look at me and say, Dad, I can tell you anything because it's a judgment-free zone.
18:44And I know you're going to give me the best advice you can.
18:47Javar, clap for that.
18:49That's big.
18:50Clap for that.
18:51No, for real.
18:52Clap for that.
18:53Talk to y'all's kids about sex, too.
18:55For real.
18:56I know you ain't asked me that, but I'm throwing that out there.
18:59Because if you don't, somebody will.
19:02That's a fact.
19:03Get mad if you want to.
19:04Javar, you said something earlier that really resonated with me about how, I think, generationally, we always put this energy around how we grew up on our children, right?
19:15Back in my day, right?
19:17And, you know, I'm one of them people that think that everything should get better with time, right?
19:21And, you know, while we might have been the figure-it-out generation, this is the access and information generation, right?
19:28This generation of kids, yeah, they didn't struggle like we did because, you know why?
19:31Because we did that already, right?
19:33And we try to make their lives different.
19:35But what they should be capable of should be different, too.
19:38So talk about that.
19:39Talk about that.
19:40How do we, as parents, not get so caught up in what we experience in terms of being able to give our kids the things necessary to have a different outcome?
19:51Okay, so I'm going to tell y'all in a story kind of format just to change it up a little bit.
19:56So first of all, I really think parents need to stop being jealous of their kids.
20:03Sometimes they don't go through what we went through because you provided a platform for them not to.
20:10So don't be upset when it seems easy for them.
20:13But here we go.
20:14So there was a snake.
20:15Y'all follow me real quick.
20:16I'm going to do this in 25, 30 seconds.
20:18It's a snake, right?
20:19And the snake was slithering through the woods.
20:21Okay.
20:22You got me.
20:23We're with you.
20:24Okay.
20:25So it slithered through the woods and they see this big old mountain.
20:26They look up at the mountain like, oh.
20:27And then they look down at the little boy and say, hey, man, can you pick me up?
20:32So the little boy looked at the snake like, I'm not picking you up.
20:34Snakes bite.
20:35Snakes said, don't you do me like that.
20:37Pick me up.
20:38Get me over this hill.
20:39It's going to take me 15 days.
20:40It's going to take you 15 minutes.
20:41Help me.
20:42I got some Takis.
20:43The little boy said, you got some Takis.
20:45You know, that changed the game.
20:46Picked them up.
20:47They started walking and talking.
20:48They get to the top of the hill.
20:50The snake's like, see how fast we got here?
20:53He like, yeah.
20:54He get to his grandpa's door.
20:56He dropped the snake.
20:57The snake bit him.
20:59He said, why would you bite me?
21:01I just carried you.
21:02He said, you knew I was a snake when you picked me up.
21:05That's a fact.
21:06The little boy started chasing the snake.
21:09The snake slithered away.
21:10The snake was venom.
21:11You know the venom in the snake?
21:12Yeah.
21:13It killed the little boy.
21:14The little boy only died because he chased the snake.
21:17He never went back home to arrest himself.
21:20And that's what parents do.
21:22The same snake that bit you, you let him bite your kids.
21:26That same snake need to be dead.
21:28Cut the head off.
21:29We ain't got to go through that because that snake already bit us.
21:32It already bit our generation.
21:34It's a wrap for that.
21:35We don't do that anymore.
21:36We don't drink like that.
21:37We don't fight like that.
21:38We don't have sex like that.
21:39We don't do that.
21:40We graduate.
21:41We finish what we start.
21:43That is the new way for me.
21:45And that's what parents need to be on.
21:47Let that snake die.
21:48That snake dead.
21:49Let that snake die.
21:50We're going to leave it right there.
21:51I want to thank Dr. Javar Godfrey, my brother Nate Burleson,
21:55Essence Festival of Culture presented by COPE,
21:58City of New Orleans.
22:00We love you.
22:01God bless.
22:02God bless.
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