00:00At your book signing you offered an incredible exercise for people who are wondering how
00:12do I grow abundance in relationships and how we can get a clear indicator of where those
00:17relationships are.
00:18Yes.
00:19That was quite a hit at the book signing.
00:21I'm going to give you two things.
00:24And that is I've done this with my son for now 12 years.
00:28I drive him crazy.
00:29I do it every six months and it literally has been the tool to bring my son and I to
00:35a level of closeness that I'm incredibly grateful for.
00:39Not perfect.
00:40We're mom and son, but we have a friendship.
00:42We're really close based on this technique.
00:45And I learned it from Jack Canfield.
00:47I learned it from my brother from another mother, Jack Canfield.
00:49I'm smart enough to remain a student.
00:54Every six months I asked my son Jelani, how do you rate our relationship on a scale of
00:59one to 10?
01:00So you want to ask whoever it is, love relationship, sibling relationship, parental relationship,
01:05children.
01:06You want to ask, how do you, our girlfriend, how do you rate our relationship on a scale
01:11from one to 10?
01:1110 being amazing requires no adjustments.
01:15I'm right where I want it to be.
01:16And one is non-existent.
01:18I don't feel safe.
01:19I can't share with you.
01:20I feel like you shut me down.
01:22It's just incomplete breakdown.
01:24So one's incomplete breakdown, 10 is magnificent.
01:27How do you rate our relationship on a scale from one to 10?
01:30Now it's key that when you ask this question, you don't react.
01:35You don't react because when you react to someone saying it's a five or it's a seven, you no
01:40longer make it safe for them to tell you the truth.
01:43You have one time.
01:45You have one chance.
01:46As a matter of fact, if you reacted in the past, they'll be afraid to even share the truth
01:50now.
01:51So you have to make them feel comfortable.
01:52Listen, my coach, Lisa Nichols said to do this exercise and I'm open.
01:58So you don't have to worry about my reaction.
02:00Please, I need to hear this feedback and they'll give you the feedback.
02:04Now the key to this exercise is the second question.
02:08The second question is the juice.
02:10First question gives you a barometer of where you are.
02:13The second question is your homework.
02:15The second question is, let's say they rated a seven.
02:19So if they rate a seven, the second question is, how do I take it from a seven to a 10?
02:25That's the key.
02:27How do I take it from a whatever they rate it to a 10?
02:31And whatever they say, you don't discuss it.
02:36You don't try to bargain with it.
02:38You don't try to justify it.
02:40You don't question it because it's their need.
02:43For six months, that's all you focus on for six months.
02:48And then you ask the question again on a scale from one to 10 and don't expect it to go from
02:52a six to a 10, they can say, now it was a six, now it's a seven.
02:57And you ask that second question again.
02:59And how do I take it from a seven to a 10?
03:03And then you encourage them to focus more on what you need to do versus don't do.
03:09Because they'll naturally go to, don't tell me this and don't do that.
03:12Say, wait a minute, what do you want me to do?
03:15Listen, take a few deep breaths.
03:20And let the truth in.
03:21Sometimes the truth does not conserve with warm cookies and milk.
03:25Be okay with that.
03:26Sometimes the truth stings, it comes straight, no chaser.
03:29Be okay with that.
03:31Because this relationship matters enough to you for you to grow yourself up in this area.
03:37And then the second thing, and this might sting a little bit, can I do this?
03:43You can do it.
03:44Okay.
03:45There are three types of relationships.
03:47Now, this is for all the incomplete relationships from our past.
03:52We're still, we're over them physically, but they're occupying a little space in our emotion.
03:58You know what I mean?
03:59I write about in the book in detail.
04:01I learned this from Iyanla.
04:04I love her.
04:05And I expanded it a bit and cajoled it a bit.
04:09And that is that there are three types of relationships.
04:11There's a life-giving, the kind that just gives you life.
04:15It lasts from one night to two years.
04:19It normally doesn't go past two years.
04:22It's life-giving.
04:23It was designed to let you know you're still in the game.
04:26Designed to let you know you still got that thing.
04:28Designed to let you know, don't stop now, sis.
04:30Keep it going.
04:31Don't get out the game.
04:32You got it.
04:34And a lot of times it has some chaos in it, some drama in it.
04:38And then the second is the lifetime.
04:41No matter what you do, you're going to be together for a lifetime.
04:44He's going to get on your nerves.
04:46She's going to get on your nerves.
04:47You're going to be together for a lifetime.
04:49And you're just going to grow.
04:50Someone's going to bury the other person.
04:52Those take care of themselves.
04:53The last type is the type that has the more, the most chaos, the most disruption, the most sadness, the most discord.
05:02And it's also the type of relationship that most of us are in.
05:05And that's called a purposeful relationship.
05:08Now, when you hear this, this might disrupt you.
05:11But just understand it was time.
05:12You're now ready for this lesson.
05:14A purposeful relationship is a relationship that was brought together for a purpose.
05:20And the reason why it has the most discord in it, disruption in it, because once the purpose is fulfilled, the relationship takes a turn.
05:30It forever changes.
05:32And we spend the rest of our time together trying to go back to the way it used to be.
05:37Why can't we be the way we used to be?
05:39Because your purpose was to raise children together, to grow up together, to learn how to set healthy boundaries, to start that business together, to laugh and play and travel together.
05:48And now the purpose is fulfilled.
05:50And now the relationship takes a shift.
05:52Does it mean the relationship stops?
05:53No.
05:54A lot of people stay together for 30 years.
05:56But the purpose was fulfilled in year 17.
05:59And all of a sudden the relationship took a shift.
06:01As long as you can live in it as is and quit trying to go back to the way it was, you can be okay.
06:07Or to realize this relationship has served its purpose.
06:12And now it's time for it to be complete.
06:14I say don't ever break up with anyone.
06:16You're not broken.
06:17They're not broken.
06:18Just complete with them.
06:20We've had every experience we were supposed to have.
06:22Leave people with their dignity intact.
06:24Leave with your dignity intact.
06:26No make wrong.
06:27And when you can do that, place every relationship you've ever had into lifetime, life-giving, or purposeful.
06:34And they all are giving value to you.
06:36And you can walk forward more whole and complete.
06:39And if you really want to be an advanced student, make a list.
06:42Put the names on the left column.
06:44And then put the type of relationship it was on the right column.
06:46And then right next to that, put the purpose they served in your life.
06:49And then you'll find it will fuel you.
06:52And all of a sudden you're like, that's why he was there.
06:54That's why she was there.
06:55I got it.
06:56Now you walk away whole.
06:57You walk away with the value versus the, why did it end?
07:01It ended because it was complete.
07:03It wasn't supposed to.
07:04Everyone can't even fit in your senior years.
07:07You'd have a crowded senior life.
07:09If everyone you ever met, the reason why we have disruption is because we're always trying to make a purposeful relationship a lifetime relationship.
07:17We're trying to make a life-giving relationship a lifetime relationship.
07:21We're trying to make everything a lifetime relationship when we allow lifetime to be lifetime, life-giving to be life-giving, and purposeful to be purposeful.
07:30Now we have peace of mind.
07:32So powerful.
07:33Thank you, Lisa.
07:34You're welcome.
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